All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
3-04-06
I got ten years for stabbing a guy 163 times with a butcher knife.
How did they catch you?
Uh, he lived.
Ten years is a prettly light sentence for incompetence. I'd've given you 40 and manditory dexterity lessons.
I've cut people for less than that.
Take the lessons. Then I'll be worried.

 

by Scyess
3-08-06
I got someone to go my bail. You can rot here.
I've got bail covered, thanks.
I still can't believe you got me thrown in jail.
I can't believe I'm still listening you you bitch about it.
So back to your place, then?
Yes. RIGHT NOW.

 

by Scyess
3-11-06
I'm thinking of seeing a psychiatrist, but I'm worried people will think I'm a freak.
No. Lots of people see psychiatrists. Go ahead.
You look pretty much like I thought you would.
That'll be $350.

 

by Scyess
3-11-06
You never thanked me for bailing you out of jail.
Sorry. I've been with my boyfriend.
WHAT?! You thwart my romantic advances for five years and reward me for helping you by just blurting out that you've picked up some guy?!
He's not just some guy. We're soulmates. We really connect.
**sigh** So what's this guy's name.
I, um... forgot to ask.

 

by Scyess
3-11-06
You're name's Redbeard? But you don't have a --
...I know.
But your hair's not even --
I know!
I get the impression you've had this conversation a lot.
That I really know.

 

by Scyess
3-14-06
It's okay, Jon. The fact that the girl you like is dating someone else isn't a reason to panic. Just be calm. Come on out of there.
Kill.
What's that? "Kill?" Kill whom, Jon?
Kill. Just kill. Kill everyone.
How's it going up there?
Pretty good. At least I've got him talking.

 

by Scyess
3-14-06
I'm on this cool new diet where from now on I eat nothing but the intestinal mucus of the Canadian dung lizard. It's supposed to be really healthy. You should try it.
No, thanks. I respect food more than that.
Do you know what I'm going to say when I outlive you by thirty years?
Probably "Pass the mucus," if it hasn't sealed your lips shut by then.

 

by Scyess
3-14-06
I've never been in love before. What do we do now?
I think you cook me dinner.
Normally I'd dismember someone for saying something that.
Whatever. YOU asked.
How bizarre... your indifference to physical violence has produced in me an overwhelming desire to cook you dinner.
I'm so good, it hurts.

 

by Scyess
3-17-06
Make love, not war!
Why? They're the same.
They're not the same.
They are! They're both messy. Both can't be done with one person. They always end with someone pulling out and there's usually a loser in the end.
Make love or war, whatever!
. . . ?

 

by Scyess
3-22-06
You ever wonder why sometimes shit floats on the water and sometimes it sinks?
No.
No one wonders that. Ever. They all have more to do with their time than contemplating the eccentric behavior of feces.
You ever wonder why girls never like me?
No.

 

by Scyess
3-24-06
Hey. Did you see that new TV show about cowboys?
I don't watch TV.
A simple "no" would be fine, you pretentious fuck. I didn't fucking ask you if you watch TV, did I? Nothing I said in the least bit implied I wanted to hear about your hobbies, did it?
Hey, Jim. I saw that cowboy show last night. Is it true that cowboys like to flay pretentious bucks alive?
It was supposed to say "fucks."

 

by Scyess
3-24-06
Do you like the tattoo under my belly button? It says "love" in Chinese.
Well, yes... it could be translated that way, but it really means "love" in more of the sense of "incest" or "beastiality."
I didn't know you could read Chinese.
I can't. But no one who gets Chinese tatoos can, either.

 

by Scyess
3-24-06
I started this areobic program a few months ago to shed some fat.
How's that working out?
Now I'm muscular and fat, which of course just makes me look more fat.
Pretty soon I hope to work my way up to muscular and fat with bad joint pain.
Live your dreams, baby.

 

by Scyess
3-24-06
I'm upset that the girl I've been crushing on for five years is dating someone else.
Jon, sometimes the secret to love is knowing when to walk away.
For example, you don't want witnesses seeing you paying too much attention to her or they might remember your face later during police questioning.
You're not helping.

 

by Scyess
4-02-06
You know when you have to fart, but you hold it in because you're sitting next to the queen of England or something, and it just kind of goes away?
Ya.
Well where does it go?! It has to go somewhere! Is there a Land of Unreleased Farts where it goes to sulk for a while, or what?
Shouldn't we be high before we have this conversation?
Meanwhile, in the Land of Unreleased Farts
I almost had a chance to mee the queen of England, but he wouldn't let me.
What an asshole.

 

by Scyess
4-03-06
Oh, man! Don't you hate it when you're wiping your ass and you accidentally wipe with your shirt tail by mistake?
That has never, ever happened to me.
Ever.
Oh. Yeah. Me either.
I'm going to go stand somewhere else now.

 

by Scyess
4-04-06
You really think so, God?
I do, but I've been wrong before.
No, You haven't.
Until just now.
Dammit!

 

by Scyess
4-05-06
Hello, tech support? Windows crashes whenever I open Internet Explorer.
I see. Please hold.
**beep boop boop bop beep**
Hello, tech support? Windows crashes whenever I open Internet Explorer.
I see. Please hold.

 

by Scyess
4-05-06
What the hell do you want?
Sanna said you were in a bad mood because of "woman problems."
No one's had more "woman problems" than me, so I thought I'd come commiserate.
Around 40 seconds later...
You idiot, you weren't supposed to share that information with her!
You should've been more specific!

 

by Scyess
4-06-06
See ya. I'm going to the "Take Back the Night" walk to protest sexual assault.
A protest? Good idea.
Because really, so many violent rapists are just unaware that what they're doing is socially unacceptable.
It's hard to believe what people will to do feel like they're making a difference.
Whatever. As long as they leave their teenage daugthers at home alone.

 

by Scyess
4-08-06
Do you think we should call Jon and ask him to join us?
Yeah. That will make him happy.
Hi, Jon. This is Tataki and Sanna. You want to come join us?
Who? Me? Yes! Oh, yes! Thank you! I'd love to! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
You didn't tell him where we are.
Now everyone's happy.

 

by Scyess
4-19-06
It's a beautiful night. It's a perfect night to spend with a beautiful woman.
Aw, that's sweet.
Yep. Know anyone I can call?
You jerk. That's a pretty rude thing to say.
Oh, sorry. I should've been more specific: it's a perfect night to spend with a beautiful woman who will give me some play.
I'll give you Sally's number.

 

by Scyess
4-19-06
I called the friend you tried to set me up with, but she didn't answer the phone.
So I went to her house and they told me she's in a coma.
RIght. I figured you'd have a better chance with a girl who can't experience your personality.
Me too, but it got to be inconvenient to carry her into the movie theater.
At least IV drips are an inexpensive dinner.

 

by Scyess
4-19-06
Hey. That girl you went on a date with last week gave me a great idea for a new dating service.
Which girl? The girl who was in a coma?
Exactly. I'll match the incapacitated to people whom other people can't stand, like you.
I'll throw in a hand truck and some rope to make going out more convenient.
I'm so offended right now that I'm tempted not to even sign up for your stupid service.

 

by Scyess
4-19-06
Do you have a loved one who's in a coma or brain dead who just lies around all day?
Why yes, yes I do.
Well we here at invalids2undesireables.com know that just because they can't move or talk doesn't mean they don't deserve a rich social life.
It's true, Becca doesn't date much since the car accident.
...and if I'm the best lay you ever had, continue to say nothing. ALL RIIIIIIIIIGHT!

 

by Scyess
4-19-06
What would you do if you could be president for a day?
Oh, that's easy.
I'd increase the national debt to unmanageable proportions, invade some countries, and pander to the Christian right.
I mean, what if you had his powers but didn't have to act like him.
OH! I'd have about four million pizzas delivered to 10 Downing street and blame Vladimir Putin.

 

by Scyess
4-25-06
You know, Sanna, I would be really unhappy if I found out you just like me for my body.
*snort* YOUR body? AAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oddly enough, I'm unhappy anyway.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *snort* HAHAHA *choke* HAHAHA

 

by Scyess
5-05-06
Life was much simpler when all the cool celebrities took drugs.
Now some are pro-drugs and some are anti-drug. It's hard to know whether I should take drugs or not.
You could try thinking for yourself....
That's crazy talk.

 

by Scyess
5-05-06
I was helping my niece dissect a frog today, and it was insanely frustrating.
We were supposed to find blood in the arteries, but I swear we looked in every single artery and didn't find a single drop.
I guess it was all in vein.
And now I have to kill myself for setting up that pun for you.

 

by Scyess
5-10-06
You know, people are like a frugal nun.
Yeah! Especially the ones who happen to be frugal nuns!
Um, can I finish my witty analogy now?
Not if I can help it.

 

by Scyess
5-16-06
What do you want to watch tonight?
You know what I want to watch, Jon? I'll tell you what I want to watch.
I want to watch the people of the world stop killing each other uselessly, put aside their weapons and their differences, and come together as brothers just once!
TV Guide says we have a rerun marathon of The Cosby Show.
**sigh** I guess that'll be fine.

 

by Scyess
5-18-06
We're really looking for a top-performer to fill this position.
Oh, that's me! I'm extremely well organized. I have a verifiable track record of success. I have three dozen certifications. I don't require food or sleep.
Our company's Core Values include modesty and humility.
I am scum. I'm completely incompetent. My breath is terrible. I haven't had a date in three years.
Today I stomped flat the last remnants of any pride I once had.
So? Did you get the Assistant Sychophant position or not?

 

by Scyess
5-31-06
Welcome to your first day on the job. As you know, dress code is collar and tie.
Given that in my lowly position I will never, ever, see a customer, or any employee higher ranking than you, why is there a dress code at all?
I see your point. That makes a lot of sense. I'm going to rewrite the policy so that our people can wear comfortable clothes.
Wow! Really?
No. Actually, you're fired for questioning me.
How's your severance package?

 

by Scyess
5-31-06
As an employee here, your first task is to write up some specs in the approved format.
Fine. What's the approved format?
Uh, actually, there isn't one. But there might be later, so I'm going to make you wait for a few weeks doing nothing while I question every single person about what format they're using.
Uh, why don't we just use an easy-to read format that makes sense?
Did I mention yet that you're fired?
Only I could get fired for not spending enough time doing nothing.

 

by Scyess
5-31-06
Fired again?
Yep. I've decided that work just isn't for me.
What do you plan to do for money?
Oh, I think I'll try going to the mailbox every day and finding a fat envelope full of cash.
And what if there isn't one?
Dammit. Back to the drawing board.

 

by Scyess
5-31-06
ooga booga
Is that creepy peeping tom still ogling us, Dad?
Yes, our nice new neighbor from National Geographic is still scientifically observing us. Now go act native-y or no PS3 for a week!
Um, ooga booga?
Pulitzer prize, here I come.

 

by Scyess
5-31-06
Listen, Ralph. You're at my fence all the time. Enough is enough.
Sorry, Tom.
I mean, how long have we been neighbors now?
Around four years.
I think that's a little too long to have your dick stuck in a knothole, don't you?
I almost regret signing up for the trail of extra-strength Viagra.

 

by Scyess
6-01-06
Ever since I hit puberty, I haven't gotten so much as a second glance from a female. But I've been masturbating pretty much every day since I was 12.
By now I'm sure I'm so good, no female touch could give me half the satisfaction.
Wow! Playing the pity card AND the challenge card at the same time. Brilliant! I'll have to write this one down in the books!
Did I mention my hand isn't a smart-ass?
Er, I think I came into this conversation late.

 

by Scyess
6-02-06
Hm... no muscle tone. Slight belly paunch. Unstyleable hair with outdated hairstyle. Bad breath.
No money. History of failure. Hopeless crush on a girl who can kick my ass. And, of course, inferiority complex.
In the grand informercial of life, I am destined to be the "before" picture.
I'd buy anything that can cure that!

 

by Scyess
6-05-06
Someday I'll find a woman who doesn't just want me for my money or my looks, but is interested in my soul.
You have no money or looks. And I wouldn't bet money on the soul thing.
Someday, I'll find a woman who can convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Shoot for a woman who can convert your carbon dioxide into corporal volume and you might be onto something.

 

by Scyess
6-08-06
Hey, man. Wanna come to a kegger to support stopping the genocide in Darfur?
Oh, of course! What could be more effective at stopping genocide than getting drunk in a safe country thousands of miles away?
It's not like sarcasm will help, either.
What if I smoke a bunch of cigarettes at the same time?

 

by Scyess
6-08-06
I have trained for twenty years and travelled 12,000 miles to challenge the one they call "Tataki." Are you she?
Yes.
At last! At last my family will have my revenge for th- GAH!
TOO MUCH EXPOSITION!
Hi, Jon. There's another dead ninja on your porch.
Dammit. You know trash day isn't until Wednesday.

 

by Scyess
6-08-06
Hi, Jon. I know I just got here, but can you hold on a second? There's another ninja stalking me.
Isn't that happening a lot lately?
Now you will face the dishonor of being slain by the very same blade you once used to --
HHHAAAAIIIIII---
Do you think there's a market for low-cost housing made of dead ninjas?
Oh, man! If I had a nickle for every night I lost sleep pondering that!

 

by Scyess
6-09-06
Hey, there, lady. Sell your soul for $1000?
Sure!
Here's your cash. Catch ya in hell later.
Ha! The joke's on you! I'm a Buddhist, and we don't believe in hell!
Some decades later...
Hey! What the... this place is supposed to be a Christian concept.
We're diversifying.

 

by Scyess
6-11-06
Cowdjinn is visiting a beef farm... Sanna is at a new-age seminar... Jim's out of the picture until the bail hearing...
Finally, I have a weekend all to myself to clean the house, balance my checkbook, catch up on mail, and get organized.
He seems to be in a video game coma induced by about 50 straight hours of Bubble Bobble.
Is it fatal? If not, could it be for $50?

 

by Scyess
6-11-06
Hi. Can I help you?
Help? Well, I'm not in any sort of danger. Hold on a minute while I bash myself in the head with a baseball bat.
**WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WAHM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM**
Now you can help me! Do you know CPR?
No.

 

by Scyess
6-11-06
Hi. Can I help you?
Nope.
You may be trying to play some kind of prank by giving the opposite of the expected answer, but you'll find my minimum-wage apathy trumps your attempt at discombobulation.
In that case, give me 1500 burgers and a Coke.

 

by Scyess
6-11-06
Hi. Can I help you?
Yes. I ordered the low-carb Filet o' Souls Happy Meal, but you gave me the low fat one instead.
I came back to offer some friendly encouragement to pay closer attention.
I should be getting more than six bucks an hour for this shit.
And the toy sucks, too.

 

by Scyess
6-11-06
Hi. Can I help you?
Yes. I'd like a twelve year old virgin. Preferably female.
Uh, we don't have that. We mostly serve burgers.
Can you put one in a schoolgirl's outfit, use the bun as a puppet and talk to me in a falsetto voice?
One combo #8. Anything else?
Wait... does #12 come with pink hair bows?

 

by Scyess
6-11-06
Hi. Can I help you?
Yes. I'd like the satisfaction of beating up someone weaker than myself.
Uh, we don't really h- GAH!!!
HHHAAAAIIIII-YA!
Johnson! You didn't even try to sell her a drink with that! You're fired.
Must... reach... hidden... shotgun...

Showing page 30.

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