All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
10-09-06
Have you converted yet?
I don't know. Can your religion turn me back into an adult?
Sure, why not?
Yes! Can your religion give me a schlong the size of a semi?
I guess so!
Can your religion get me out from underneath a 30-ton schlong?

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
Buddha, it seems like people are eschewing our respective religions for puppies.
Indeed. My stock is already down 30% on the Universal Religious Exchange.
I think it's time I took drastic action.
You go, girlfriend. I've got your back.
Blaaaaah! Look! I'm dying for your sins!!!
That's so 1st century. Fetch a ball and yip adorably and we'll talk.

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
C'mon! Doesn't anyone care! I'm dying for your sins over here! Isn't that more important than puppies, ferchrissakes!
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! YOU CAN RUB MY BELLY! HAPPY NOW?!
Your belly doesn't look fuzzy to me!

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
Tonight on Crossfire, two opponents vie for the love and support of the American people...
Jesus Christ v.s. a puppy!
Uh... Jesus? Could you please stop getting blood on our carpet?
"Impartial panel" my sacrificial ass.
Let the record show that I never messed on the carpet.

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
I hope you're satisfied. Your religion is causing so much sectarian tension half the world is trying to kill the other half.
So? Like you never did anything wrong. How many jaywalking tickets have you not paid?
I hardly feel that's along the same lines as...
Are you Jon? You're coming with me.

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
People everywhere are at war. The death and destruction increases every day. The logical conclusion is that all civilization will descend into oblivion.
But -- my god -- don't they know about the PUPPIES?!
Did you hear about the puppies? They're so cute!
They are! What the hell are we doing? Let's go pet them!
...and the whole world lived happily ever after.
The end.

 

by Scyess
10-11-06
♫ Hello, toilet, my old friend!  I've come to sit on you again!♫
(to the tune of Sound of Silence)
♫ And from my butthole softleeeeee creeping!  A pile of feces you'll soon beeee eating! ♫
♫ And of my spicy Thai dinner I'll purge the last remains! 
Just when I thought I had suffered every possible indignity...

 

by Scyess
10-16-06
Excuse me... is this where the porn auditions are held?
Sorry, I think you're in the wrong place.
In retrospect, I probably could've handled that better.
YA THINK?

 

by Scyess
10-17-06
A judge in Texas struck down claims that the death penalty in that state was "cruel and unusual."
"Sure, it's cruel," the judge said, "but we kill hundreds of them bastards per year, so it ain't all that unusual."
Texas is currently the only state whose death penalty is carried out by putting the condemned in a gopher suit and having him dart around a field while rich businessmen shoot at him.

 

by Scyess
10-20-06
AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
I am going to suck your blood!
Uh... what are you doing?
Got a straw?

 

by Scyess
10-20-06
Where are you going?
I have to buy a wedding present for Rupert and Noreen.
I thought they were already married!
Yeah. They own a house and have lived there for six years. I don't know what suddenly changed that they're getting married now.
I suddenly have an incredible urge to spend ridiculous amounts of money and put us and our loved ones through unnecessary presure for months.
Too late to run for President... why don't we have a wedding?

 

by Scyess
10-30-06
Mom... please don't say it... please don't say it... please don't say it... please don't say it... please don't say it...
Do you know what she said then, Jon? Hello? Are you there? Jon?
JooOOOOOONN!
How did you learn to say my name in a way that causes physical pain?
It's a mother thing, dear. It's written in a secret place on the placenta.

 

by Scyess
11-03-06
I've invented an artificial pheromone. Any woman smelling it will be overcome with a desire to lavish me with affection.
*sniff sniff* My god... Jon... I don't believe it but I... I just have this sudden urge... an urge to... GET A HEAD START ON MY INCOME TAXES!!!
Back to the drawing board.
Ferchrissakes, destroy that shit before the government puts it in the water supply.

 

by Scyess
11-06-06
Listen, Santa, the other holidays asked me to come talk to you...
And just who the hell are you?
What do you mean, who am I? You know I'm the Thanksgiving turkey!
You mean you were the Thanksgiving turkey! Now they're marketing Christmas even before Halloween! It's only a matter of time before Christmas is the ONLY holiday! So suck it, bitch! Ho ho ho!
Thanks for that.
If the world is spared even one singing animatronic, it was worth it.

 

by Scyess
11-06-06
I'm going to volunteer for the Get Out the Vote campaign. Want to come?
Oh, absolutely!
I think it's a great idea to encourage people too ignorant to form their own opinion to go out on election day and pull random levers that help determine my future.
How do you always manage to make doing nothing seem like a noble cause?
It's a gift.

 

by Scyess
11-09-06
And now, with weather, here's a slab of bacon.
Partially cloudy tomorrow. And remember: to maintain proper urniary tract health, you should drink at least eight glasses of water a day.
Damn, Glen. Where did you find this guy?
What? You said, "We need someone on weather. Go hire a meaty urologist."

 

by Scyess
11-12-06
What're you reading?
It's a letter from the Brain Injury Association. I think they want me to send them money.
You think? What does it say?
It says, "Ow hed hurtz send barn injerk some barney flat ran come sir larz."
I wonder if they should be writing their own correspondence.
If I could put a brain injury into an envlope, I'd send it to them.

 

by Scyess
11-16-06
Do you think you'll ever have kids?
I hope so.
Wow, so you think someday you'll be ready to be a father?
Oh, no. I'm really more interested in the whole conception process.
But you just said you think you'll have the kids...
Not a problem. Gotta love e-Bay.

 

by Scyess
11-17-06
It's lunchtime.
YES!
You know, if you weren't such a lazy, boring loser, you could probably find something a bit more significant to be excited about.
I could?! YES!

 

by Scyess
11-17-06
The light in the hall wasn't working, so I called an electrician to fix it.
He changed the light bulb and charged me $200.
Are you going to complain?
That sounds like effort.

 

by Scyess
11-17-06
The toilet's clogged.
So? You can't fix it?
Dammit, I'm the one paying rent, here! You're the landlord and it's your damed toilet, so YOU do something about it!!
An outhouse? Wouldn't it've been easier to just fix the toilet?
It's the principle of the thing.

 

by Scyess
11-17-06
The sign said "help wanted." What kind of jobs are you filling?
The city's short a few raving street corner lunatics. We're looking for some temps until we can transfer people from Detroit.
Um... I didn't think "raving lunatic" was a paid position.
What, you think people do it out of the goodness of their heart? Nothing's free, pal. You want the job or not?
PIDGEONS! BULLOCKS! BURGERS IN SPACE AND A SIDE OF LIME!
Hey, man. I could use a few bucks. Your people still hiring?

 

by Scyess
11-21-06
...and then the conversation ground to a halt like a wagon in a muddy field!
Do you always use similes that are 150 years out of date?
...the conversation ground to a halt like ours did just now.
Now that's current!

 

by Scyess
11-21-06
Our top story today... an actor screamed racial epithets at people in a night club.
We'll spend the remainder of the week reporting nothing but this. Expect it in all your newspapers and magazines, too.
Congress was replaced by narcoleptic harp seals today, too, but first... a three-hour exposé on a pop-star's divorce.

 

by Scyess
11-27-06
Ya! Huh! Whaaaaow! Huh, huh! Wha!
G'gah! Saaaaaow! Lookout! Yow! Huh, huh! Ugh! Yaow wao! Kick it! Ugh! Yow! G'gah yow! Whaaaaaaow! Ugh!
Is that a kung-fu flick he's watching? Or a James Brown video?
I can't tell.

 

by Scyess
12-05-06
Robert Gates today said that the US is not winning the war in Iraq.
He also remarked that the ground is below the sky and that dogs walk on four legs.
In other news, President Bush suffered a broken ankle today trying to stand on his head while mutilating a dog.

 

by Scyess
12-05-06
It's Christmas! You must buy! Buy Buy Buy! Shop shop shop shop shop shop shop!
NO!
YES! You have no choice! Shop shop shop shop shop shop shop shop shop shop chop chop chop CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO! AAAAAAIIYYEEEE!!!
Later, at the emergency room...
Do you think modern society puts too much emphasis on acquiring stuff at Christmas?
Do you think my wife would like this kidney?

 

by Scyess
12-08-06
So what do you do, Jon?
Do? What do I do?
Is a man to be defined by his actions, tainted by society's influence? Or can a man be judged by the essence of his mind: the true nature of his self?
So he was unemployed, huh?
...and unemployable.

 

by Scyess
12-08-06
Someone asked me what I do last night, Cowdjinn. It got me thinking: what do I do?
I eat, I sleep, I poop. That's kind of it. I only do what everyone else on Earth does. What can I do to set myself apart?
You could stop pooping.
It was a rhetorical question.

 

by Scyess
12-08-06
What a day! You won't believe what I went through at work today!
You had to eat an entire cheesecake without using your hands?
That's stupid. Who would do that?
That's what I did today.
There are no words to describe how much I'm hating you right now.
Maybe with a bigger vocabulary you'd do better at work.

 

by Scyess
12-09-06
Samantha, should I feel guilty for not working for a living?
No.
Should I feel guilty for tortuing souls unrelentingly for thousands of years on end?
Um... yes?
Asshole. I'm going to change my answer.
Too late!

 

by Scyess
12-09-06
Humans have some odd customs, but unusually, the customs aren't always shared by the entire speices.
For example, your tendency to masturbate in rhythm to the sound track from Muppet Treasure Island is very rare.
Uh... how do you know about that?
Your hand moves to your pocket whenever I hum Cabin Fever.

 

by Scyess
12-09-06
There really should be more rap songs about fuzzy bunnies.
I mean, how long can we ignore the open secret of the mysogeny and drug abuse rampant in the fuzzy bunny community? Hm?
I think we need to reconsider your speaking privlidges.
If I were a fuzzy bunny, and you were my bitch, I would totally smack you up for that.

 

by Scyess
12-11-06
Okay, Earl. I'm outta here. _______________ You too, bye. _______________ Yep. Later, man. _______________ Bye.
Okay. Take care. _______________ Yeah, catch ya later. _______________ Bye now. _______________ Good bye.
Oh, Jon! I forgot to ask you how you think taoist philosophy can be applied to 21st century values, and the contrasts between that and applications to the 20th century!
You asshole. I almost exited this conversation gracefully.
I'm afraid I can't let that happen.

 

by Scyess
12-11-06
You forgot to close the door again.
You know what they say: "A closed door is like a closed heart, and a closed heart is like an empty soul.
But I don't see --
"...and an empty soul is like a cold bed, and a cold bed is like an emtpy can of peaches, and an empty can of peaches is like a frizzy pompador...
I'm thinking installing a spring-loaded hinge would be easier than this.
..."and a frizzy pompador is like a homeless ninja, and a homeless ninja cannot immolate your door when it is open." Duh.

 

by Scyess
12-13-06
You've been sitting there forever. What gives?
I'm waiting for opportunity to strike so I can pounce on it!
GAH!
HAAAAIIIYA!
Go on, bitch! Pounce on me!
I need to stop mixing my metaphors.

 

by Scyess
12-13-06
The worst thing about making stew is waiting for it to be ready.
Oh, no...
Actually, the worst thing is to have it poured down your pants when it's halfway finished.
"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"
I mean, that certainly seems worse, doesn't it?
That's just one of the reasons I don't wear pants.

 

by Scyess
12-13-06
I've been waiting my whole life for the perfect girl to come along...
...and here I am!
You mean...?
I mean since the perfect couldn't care less about you, your only option is to curl into the fetal position and dehydrate yourself crying.
Sometimes I like to break up the physical abuse with a little emotional abuse.
That's very considerate of you.

 

by Scyess
12-13-06
A watched pot never boils!
I know. Especially since the stove isn't on.
You need a hobby.
You're breaking my concentration.

 

by Scyess
12-13-06
People are laughing at the things I do for you! I will not let you drag my name through the mud!
Will you let me drag your bruised and mutilated body through the mud?
Uh, is there really a choice?
Not really.
Do you think we can put this one back together, doc?
It's pretty gross. Fix me a drink and let's find out.

 

by Scyess
12-13-06
I only date young girls. I keep getting older, and they stay the same age!
True, but the age limit for statutory rape also stays the same.
An insignificant technicality.
And I don't think "dating" invovles sneaking up on someone and throwing her in a van.

 

by Scyess
12-14-06
Have you seen the movie Waiting for Godot?
No. I think my credit card will recieve my payment today so I can use it again.
Once that happens I'll sign up for NetFlix, and when they get the movie in stock I can put it in my queue.
So you're waiting to wait to wait for Waiting for Godot?
Yes. No, wait, I mean no. No, wait a minute...

 

by Scyess
12-14-06
What are you waiting for?
I'm waiting for what we're all ultimately waiting for: for death to come take us.
God, you're morbid. I don't know why I even talk to you.
Hi! Sorry I'm late. Is it my turn to drive?
Yeah, but I don't think Sanna is going this time.

 

by Scyess
12-15-06
Excuse me, sir, but have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour?
No, I haven't. What would that entail?
It would entail receiving eternal bliss in the afterlife by renouncing sin and living a life of holiness, purity, and chastity.
Sounds iffy. Would I have to give up goat porn?
Hell no! Don't even kid about that!

 

by Scyess
12-15-06
I'm tired of sitting at home every Friday night! I'm finally going to go out and have my fill of wine, women, and song!
Go on, then! Actions speak louder than words!
I think I might be the strong, silent type.
Yeah. If by "strong, silent type" you mean "total pussy."

 

by Scyess
12-17-06
This year I was really hoping to spend Christmas with someone special.
At the hospital, you can volunteer to spend Christmas with a disabled orphan.
That's great, but I was hoping for someone, you know... pleasantly special.
That might be a taller order.

 

by Scyess
12-17-06
Hey, baby. I love you and I'd do anything for you.
Aw! Would you walk 1600 miles for me?
Well, anything that didn't inconvenience me too much.
Uh, thanks.
Or if I was going to do it anyway.

 

by Scyess
12-17-06
All these years when you've hit on me, I've rejected you very cruelly. But now I'm in a bad relationship myself, and I understand how you must feel. So I just wanted to say...
I FUCKING HATE EMPATHY, YOU FETID WALRUS TURD!
Are we having a moment, here?
We would be if I had moments with walrus turds.

 

by Scyess
12-17-06
So what do you want for Christmas?
I want to be white.
Man, that's fucked up.
Actually, that's not true. What I really want is to grease you up and fuck you like an epileptic rhinocerous.
Sorry; I only date white guys.

 

by Scyess
12-18-06
Hi. I just had to say that you are incredibly sexy, and I'd love to go out with you sometime.
Oh yeah? Are you sure I'm not too much woman for you to handle?
Oh, you're most definitely too much woman for me to handle. In fact, I almost blew my load just now when you spoke to me.
Whatever they might tell you, women do not necessisarily respect honesty.
I thought I told you that whatever you say is honest as long as they never find out otherwise.

Showing page 32.

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