All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
5-13-04
I can't believe we just watched "They Saved Hitler's Ass." That must have been the worst movie I've ever seen.
I know. What a sorry idea! Scientists finding, preserving, and cloning the buttocks of the Fuehrer. Where did such an abomination come from anyway?
Actually, it came from Hitler's ass. He just crapped it out and there it was.
That can't be. Such an awful film inside him would be toxic. It would destroy his gluteus muscles. Unless someone gave him a big wad of Ex-Lax, and made him crap it out, meaning...
THEY SAVED HITLER'S ASS!!!
Oh wow.

 

by kaufman
5-14-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Schneller, Ilsa! Schneller!
I am sorry, mein Fuehrer, but meine Vierzehininchenspeikenstrapon is stuck in your ass.

 

by kaufman
5-17-04
Welcome to Trak Auto, how may I help you?
I want to buy a new interior fragrance for my wife. She has a Korean car, for what that's worth.
We can help you with that. What kind of fragrance did you have in mind?
I hear they've come out with a powerful aphrodesiac scent extracted from the semen of dolphins and Walt Disney himself. Can that really be true?
Yeah. Buy her Hyundai's odor: the Flipper-Walt jizz spurt.

 

by kaufman
5-17-04
I changed the background.
YOU BASTARD!

 

by kaufman
5-17-04
Uh oh, plane's going down. Luckily, I have this parachute. Think I'll step out.
Oh no, it didn't open. I'm doomed! Wait, what's that below me? I'm saved!

 

by kaufman
5-17-04
And you may ask yourself, How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself Where, is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself, This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself, This is not my beautiful wife!

 

by kaufman
5-18-04
Me TARZAN. You JANE.
You CHEETAH.
You BASTARD.

 

by kaufman
5-25-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
Well, I'm here looking up to see if we're being threatened with massive solar flares or oncoming asteroids, and the answer is ... nun of the above!

 

by kaufman
5-25-04
#23: 1891
You served the president rabbit stew? He's allergic! If he doesn't survive, you'll live on in infamy ...
I know, I know, as the person who put the hare in Harrison.
#37: 1970
I'm ready to meet with the NBA champions. Where are they, and why do I feel this pressure in my rectum?
Psssst, John, shall we tell him that Haldeman put the Knicks in Nixon?
#4: 1813
My fellow Americans: We are engaged in a deadly war with the British. But all I have to say is, What? Me Worry?
Where's the speechwriter who put the Mad in Madison?

 

by kaufman
5-26-04
Thank goodness I found you, Sam. I need to talk to Rick. I need to tell him I'm getting a divorce from Victor.
I'm sorry, Miss Ilsa. Rick is on vacation in China right now.
Mister want ridey-ridey, real cheap?
Of all the taxi joints in all the towns in the world, I walk into this one.
Here's looking at you, kid.
I put the Rick in rickshaw!

 

by kaufman
5-26-04
#29: 1923
Dr. Barnard! What are you doing here?
I'm here to put the heart in Harding.
#31: 1931
Come quick! The president is smashing the White House drum kit!
Oh gosh. Do you know who put the Who in Hoover?
#6: 1825
I'm the fertility doctor.
Great. They're waiting for you to put the quints in Quincy Adams.

 

by kaufman
5-27-04
Go ahead. Tell her that you locked away her parents where they'll be brutally beaten and molested, ...
... broke up her family, and are taking her to an orphanage, all because mommy and daddy smoked pot.
She'll understand.

 

by kaufman
5-27-04
Go ahead. Tell her that you locked away her parents where they'll be brutally beaten and molested, ...
... broke up her family, and are taking her to an orphanage, all because mommy and daddy smoked pot.
She'll understand.

 

by kaufman
6-01-04
What now, Frodo?
We're at the edge of the Old Forest. It's pretty nasty in here, so we should go in single file. Dil, stay behind me, then Merry and Pippin, and Sam bring up the rear.
AIIIIIEEEEE!
What the hell was that?
Damn you, Tom Bombadil, damn you!

 

by kaufman
6-02-04
Have you found it?
Ahem.
The rest of this comic is in "More Comic Competitions."

 

by kaufman
6-02-04
Welcome back to Sink or Swim. Our next contestant's assignment is to serve as chief surgeon at Rampart Hospital tomorrow. Succeed, you win $1,000,000. Fail, and your family is fed to the sharks.
All right. I'm just about through "Complex Surgrey for Dummies" with 15 minutes to spare. I should be able to pull this off!
Oh no, there's an appendix?

 

by kaufman
6-02-04
Are you ready, doctor? I have your list of surgeries for today.
All set. Go ahead.
We have a kidney transplant at 10, a foot amputation at noon, a brain tumor at 3, ...
Not a problem. I'm ready.
Oh yeah, and a routine appendectomy at the end of the day.
Oh no, there's an appendix?

 

by kaufman
6-02-04
Any gravitons?
Nope.

 

by kaufman
6-02-04
What the hell was that?
Our new series, "Quarterly Report." Gripping, no?
Are you kidding? I just sat through three hours of that stupid cowboy just standing there.
I know. This is better than "24." The suspense builds up here, and then after 13 weeks, during sweeps, he gives his quarterly report.
And people are going to watch it?
Of course! They'll have invested so much time in the show ... We'd better head back. The final episode is about to air.

 

by kaufman
6-07-04
Cherry walking against the wind
Chocolate Chip trapped in a box
Two scoops of Vanilla mirroring each other

 

by kaufman
6-08-04
I saw that there are going to be a lot of interesting shows at Wolf Trap this summer.
Oh, really? Like what?
Well, there's the Irish Tenors, and Cyndi Lauper, and B.B. King, and a production of "The King and I," starring Sandy Duncan.
hmmmmm ...
That WOULD be interesting, seeing her with her head shaved.

 

by kaufman
6-17-04
Delivering the next eulogy is one of Mr. Reagan's former co-stars, Bonzo the Chimp.
Before I get into my eulogy, let me explin why I'm wearing this spacesuit ... my lederhosen are in the wash.
Monkey in lederhosen ... must get to work on drawing that.

 

by kaufman
6-19-04
I cant stand my father, he is SUCH an asshole!
Oh goodness, i know! Just last week he got me whipped for playing grab-ass with the angels!
I wonder what Satan thinks about my dad, I mean he can't still be sour at him for the whole "eternal damnation" thing
Hmmm...
Ok, enough of the small talk. Where the heck are Elvis and Nixon? Our foursome's supposed to tee off in five minutes.
Oh, I forgot to tell you. I ate them.

 

by kaufman
6-19-04
I cant stand my father, he is SUCH an asshole!
Oh goodness, i know! Just last week he got me whipped for playing grab-ass with the angels!
I wonder what Satan thinks about my dad, I mean he can't still be sour at him for the whole "eternal damnation" thing
Hmmm...
So God sends me down here because he doesn't like the folks I hang out with. Unlike Jesus with all his goody-goody friends.
Jesus? Pardon me, boy, is that the cat who knew Cthulhu?

 

by kaufman
6-22-04
Johann, is it true that you've composed a new winter dance?
Yes, Abraham. It shall be called "Waltz on Ice."
Grrrrrrrr...
Mr. Strauss, you're under arrest for making fun of the condition of Mr. Disney. You have the right to remain silent...

 

by kaufman
6-25-04
Did you hear the big news?
What news?
Dick Cheney told a senator to fuck himself.
You're not surprised?
Of course not, it's part of his job to be assigning vices.

 

by kaufman
6-26-04
Your tickets to Amsterdam are booked. And remember, in Holland, if you feel yourself getting wet, no one will mind you putting your finger in a nearby dike.
I found a speaker for next month's Women's Club meeting who really made her way up in a man's world. Her name's Phyllis Schlafley.
Ja, bayerhund das oder die Flipperwald gerschput!
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

 

by kaufman
6-26-04
Welcome to your new home, men, please step into your cell.
This building's a piece of heaven in your Mideast hell.
We've got gigabucks to spend, you can do the math.
But I'm feeling kind of dirty now, I think I'll take a Baath.
What do you think of your new digs?
Allah be praised, god damn! This is so much better than my treatment from Saddam!

 

by kaufman
6-26-04
I'm the spook from the Agency, it's hot, let's strip them bare.
I am afraid the men might chafe, I'll donate my underwear.
Look, I make a pyramid, my friends and I reach higher.
I'm an electrician in training, look! They let me hold the wire.
When we get out of this place, we'll have some real street cred.
Because our hosts have given us cool black hoods for our head.

 

by kaufman
6-26-04
Woodland creatures are so cute, I'm sure you'd find it heinous.
If I didn't do a song-and-dance inside some Arab anus.
Ask any guest inside this place, this is where he belongs.
He loves American culture, and he sings American songs.
Who let the dogs out?
Woof! Woof! Woof-woof!

 

by kaufman
6-26-04
A guest at last, I'm really thrilled, my own interrogator. You probably think that I will talk to you sooner or later.
Yes, you may think that you're well-trained, and you won't say a thing, But I've kept you up quite long enough, now you're about to sing!
o/` Oh, super Allah fatwa missles extreme high explosives!
Even though this whole campaign is something quite atrocious.
If Bush says it loud enough, he'll always sound precocious.
Super Allah fatwa missles extreme high explosives!

 

by kaufman
6-26-04
Captain, I'm picking up faint signals from a dentist's office in Australia.
I think Mr. Spock may be trapped there, sir.
No, Lieutenant, that would be most illogical of him.
Coming this fall: Finding Nimoy.
Let's check over on Rigel 3. Ahead, Warp 7, Mr. Sulu.

 

by kaufman
6-30-04
Is this a great game or what?
Yeah, too bad I gotta leave soon.
You can't leave, we've almost finished it! Where do you gotta go?
I've got some important business to take care of...
"Let there be light."

 

by kaufman
7-07-04
Gregor, honey, I was thinking you'd look so much better with your hair cut.
You really think so? Tell you what, you can shave my head tomorrow.
All done. Take a look in the mirror, tell me what you think.
Whooooa!
The next morning ...
DELILAH! Get in here, and take a look what you've done!

 

by kaufman
7-08-04
All the luggage is off the carousel, and mine hasn't shown up. They must have lost my ... EEEEK!
------------- BAGGAGE SERVICE -------------
I was on flight 116, and my suitcase didn't arrive. All that showed up was a large insect with my baggage tags on it.
Ok, I'll write up a report and start a search. Can you describe your suitcase?
------------- BAGGAGE SERVICE -------------
It was blue, medium-sized, with wheels ... I think the brand was Samsanite.
Aha!

 

by kaufman
7-08-04
Hello, I'm looking for some pants in my size.
Certainly, come this way.
And I'd like some of the newest styles.
Then you'll love these. They're brand new Samsabelt slacks. You don't even need to wear a belt with them.
Really? Then how are they held up?
Roach clips.

 

by kaufman
7-08-04
I am Samsa!
Samsa I am!
Now I can lay green eggs and ham!

 

by kaufman
7-08-04
Two outs, bottom of the 10th. Here's the pitch ... Wilson hits a slow grounder down the right side, AND TURNS INTO A GIANT INSECT!
Buckner is distracted. The ball goes through his legs. Here comes the winning run in to score!
And the New York Metamorphers have won Game 6 of the World Series. We'll be back tomorrow night with Game 7.

 

by kaufman
7-18-04
Scientist Erich von Stroheim announced today the invention of a time machine. He says he will use it for humanitarian purposes, rather than personal gain.
I will fight famine in the past by sending food to times of need. We already have time-lifted one sponsor's product to medieval Europe.
Coming up next, the surprising discovery of a 600 year-old time capsule in France containing a note from Joan of Arc's captors thanking the Stay Puft Marshmallow company.

 

by kaufman
7-19-04
We have a famine in first century Israel, and I was wondering if Pillsbury would like to help out by donating some bread.
Yes, we've already got Mrs. Paul's seafood on board. We'll pass your loaves and their fish to the movers and shakers of that era.
His holiness, Pope John Paul II was not available for comment.

 

by kaufman
7-19-04
Good evening. This is the Friday night news. Today, Dr. von Stroheim, with the help of the Hormel Meat company struck again.
He sent back in time 1000 tins of Spam to the 19th century cave in which the ill-fated Donner Party was about to seek shelter for the winter.
Good evening. This is the Saturday night news. Today, without any explanation, Dr. Erich von Stroheim destroyed his time machine.

 

by kaufman
7-20-04
Sigh, another boring day with nothing to investigate.
Though I guess I'd better pop over to the third panel and check there. People always seem to be getting killed there.
Why, you big, fat asshole! Why did you have to wait till now to die? Once again, this strip will be over before I can solve the case.

 

by kaufman
7-20-04
You have to break into the CIA's antiterrorism computer ... while the Badger song is playing at earsplitting volumes in the room.
Why, you big, fat asshole! I thought this show was extreme. That doesn't sound too bad.
BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER MUSHROOM ...
Come on baby, almost there ...
IT'S A SNAKE!!!!
Bingo!

 

by kaufman
7-20-04
The Word is "yucca."
Could I have a JIZZPISS definition, please.
A sometimes arborescent plant of the agave family that occurs in warm regions chiefly of western North America.
Yucca. Y-U- ... Y-U- ....
Y-U-BIGFATASSHOLE-C-C-A. Yucca.
Yaaaaaayy!

 

by kaufman
7-20-04
How'd your date go last night?
TERRIBLE! We were heading to the movies, and the car stalled out, right on the railroad crossing.
We got out just as a train was coming, but then he ran back, saying that I'd left my ring in the car, and SPLAT!
That's awful!
No kidding, and I've got YOU to thank. Please don't set me up with anyone else, not if they're half as creepy as that Gollum guy.

 

by kaufman
7-22-04
I'm so pleased to meet you, Mr. Hubbard. Battlefield Earth was the FUNNIEST movie I've ever seen.
Yo, Ellie, love your work. Could you sign your Diuretics for me?
Elron? Elron Hubbard? I hardly recognized you. You've really grown since you were the boy on The Jetsons.

 

by kaufman
7-23-04
It's a horrible blizzard. We'll starve.
Ho, I see a cave. We can ride out the winter.
We're gonna starve, unless ... Look, somebody left a ton of spam in here.
We're saved!
Woohoo! I can get a mortgage at 1.5%.
No more erectile disfunction for me; I'm getting generic Cialis.

 

by kaufman
7-24-04
Class, your assignment this weekend was to read "Catcher in the Rye." Can someone tell me the name of Holden Caulfield's sister?
Was it "Ruffenthekicker?"

 

by kaufman
7-25-04
I read in Vogue that you were a real tight ass. You could turn coal into a diamond, brotha man!
Well, I read in Cosmo that you were on a three hour tour at sea and were lost for 5 years.
Well, I ... HEY! My forehead and hip! I'm turning into a bunch of fish!
Uh oh, me too.
What's this?? I'm back in the second grade!
You've been schooled! Deal with it.

 

by kaufman
7-30-04
You women have it rough, bleeding out of your privates once a month.
I get to do it at least three times a week.

Showing page 38.

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