All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
Alaka-fucking-zam!
Huh?
You were supposed to turn into fucking Britney Spears. Can you not do ANY FUCKING THING right?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
Abraca-fucking-dabra!
Finally, it fucking works! Now Britney, you will be my mindless sex slave for ever and ever. What do you have to say about that?
BAAAA.
Fuck.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
Just my fucking luck. My Britney sex slave thinks she's a fucking farm animal.
Oink.
If only I'd paid more attention in Hogwarts, instead of mercilessly bullying that Potter cunt.
BAAA!
Still. He'll never amount to anything, the specky twat.
Mooo

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
No. This is no fucking good. I'm not shagging some bird who thinks she's a goat. I'd better turn her back.
Caw! Caw!
Hey fucking presto!
Shit.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
Well, if it isn't my old classmate Javier. How are things?
Harry Potter! You specky cunt, back for another asskicking?
Actually I was wondering if you wanted to go the premere of my new film. It opens on Thursday.
Is it gay porn? Ewww, you sick fuck!
No. It's a big budget Hollywood blockbuster.
Don't fuck with me Potter. I always knew you liked the cock. I saw the way you and Ron looked at each other in class.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
How the fuck did you get famous anyway, Potter? Is it cos you're a world famous ass-bandit? I bet it fucking is.
Have you not read any of my books? I got up to some pretty big adventures in school, while you were away smoking behind the shower block.
And then a big Hollywood exec phoned me up and asked if I'd like to have a film made of my life. It's made me rich beyond my wildest dreams.
Fucking ass bandit.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
I'll show that fucking big-shot Potter. I'll conjure up a monster, and send it to kick his specky ass.
Ka-fucking-pow!
Fuck. It'll do.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
Right, fucking hellspawn. Go and kick the ass of that cunt Potter.
Got that?
I love you!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
Well. Did you kick Potter's arse?
No, I couldn't do it.
Why the fuck not?
Because I'm just a fucking squirrel.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
That prick Potter. He thinks he's so fucking great with his fucking books and his films and his fucking computer games and action figures, but I'll show him.
I know it goes against all the wizard's codes, but this has to be done.
Hello, is that the Enquirer? I went to school with Harry Potter, and I have it on good authority he takes it up the ass and has sex with goats.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-11-01
Right, here's the fucking plan. I turn you into Christina Aguilera, we get shitfaced on this gin, and then I fuck your brains out against the wall. Okay?
Pif paf fucking poof!
Fuck! Decepticons!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-11-01
Magicking up my own sex slave is just not happening. Maybe I should try my skills out on some REAL women.
Hey baby! I've got a twelve inch cock, and if that's not big enough for you, I can magic it up another yard!
Um... no thanks, I think.
Fucking lesbian! I'd turn you into a fucking dog if it didn't look like some other fucker got there first!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-11-01
What are you in here for? I'm in for kiddy fiddling.
Some fucking bitch put a restraining order on me. But I'm not fucking staying here. I'm a fucking wizard, I'm going to blow this fucking cell open.
Holy shit! You really ARE a wizard!
Damn fucking straight I am.
What the- you blew up the entire city!
Shut the fuck up baldy. We're out, aren't we?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-12-01
Sucky sucky ten dollars?
Look, you little muggle bitch. I'm a fucking wizard. I could use my fucking mind control powers to get you to do whatever the fuck I want. So don't try that on me.
Five dollars?
You're on.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-12-01
Dr Kaufledore! My old teacher! How the fuck are you?
Ah, Javier. I hear you're working in McDonalds now. I knew you'd never amount to anything.
Fuck you! I'm a master wizard! Did you not see the spells I cast in school?
Using your skills to wedgie people from across the room does not count as master wizardry.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-13-01
Hey! Where am I? Last thing I remember is stealing stuff off of some broad's porch in Ohio, and now I'm in this weird place.
Well, Simon, the thing is you died on that porch. Lara7 caught you stealing her lawn ornaments and had you killed.
But where is this place? I've just spent the last hour being repeatedly run over by a car covered in 5 1/4 inch floppy disks.
And all the while, Bootsy Collins and George Clinton have been poking me with sticks and laughing. What's going on?
I'm sorry Simon, but you're in Art Car Funk Hell.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-15-01
Sir, you have some fanmail. It says you are the "Funniest fucking thing I've seen this year".
It's about time I got some fucking recognition. Is it from a girl? It had better be from a fucking girl, I don't want no gay stalkers. I saw what happened to that Versace.
It's signed "Kevin Keegan's Perm". Sounds like a guy.
Sounds like a gay more like. "Oooh you're so funny, can I climb into your fucking pants and let you feel my love truncheon?" Well fuck him. I'm all about the clam!
Do you want me to burn it, sir?
Fuck, no. I want it framed and up on my bedroom wall.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-15-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards and John Pienaar
So John, the Scots now have a sex-crazed fiend as First Minister.
Well, Huw. That's not entirely true. He had one affair seven years ago, which the media circus have made a ridiculous fuss over.
I see. For a Kramer strip, this is worryingly close to being satirical, isn't it?
Maybe you're right. KER-TRANS-FORM!
What did you say?
Nothing. Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-19-01
You, fucking bookie. Give me a tenner on Slytherin to win the fucking Quidditch.
I'm sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about. Are you here to place a bet?
Damn fucking right I'm here to place a bet, stupid fucking muggle. I'm trying to place a bet on the fucking Quidditch final tomorrow. That cunt Potter is playing.
I see. I'm afraid we don't have that on the list here. The only bets I'm taking are on the Foxy Boxing, Mud Wrestling and the Beach Volleyball.
I've walked into the fucking titty bar by accident again, haven't I?
Fifteenth time this month sir. Would you like your usual seat by the stage?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-20-01
Hey there. What say you and I go and get a drink?
You're on! -bzzt!-
What the-?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepti- hold on a sec...
I know, I know. But I really need a fucking drink, so get to it, hairy boy!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-20-01
You, Decepticon. Why the fuck have you been hoarding all that booze?
For Kramer vs Kramer's 200th comic spectacular, of course!
Can I have some?
No.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-22-01
Guten Tag. Meine Name ist Herr Pie.
Did you say 'Herr Pie'?
Ja, Herr Pie. That is correct.
Why are you laughing?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-22-01
Anyways, I am here to investigate das Bank robbery, ja?
Aaah, you must be the European detective we hired.
Ja, that is correct. Did the bank have a video camera? I am wanting to see footage of the snatch.
Snatch? Ahem. Heh heh heh. (cough)
Again, what is with the funny?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-23-01
You may haf noticed that I have a cat.
I did, but I didn't want to bring it up because I can see a 'pussy' joke coming a mile off.
Oh, I am not the stupid. I am knowing that a 'pussy' is a rude word.
That's alright then. So what's her name?
Her name ist "Cum-slurping-fuck-slut"
That's it, I'm leaving.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-24-01
Hello?
Satan-gram!
I didn't order any Satan-gram.
You sure?
I think I'd have remembered phoning up and ordering Beezlebub.
Oh well. Sorry about that.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-24-01
You again?
Yeah. I checked on my clipboard, and it definitely has you down as having ordered one Satangram for the 14th of October.
There must have been a mix up then because I have done no such thing.
If it's on the clipboard it must be true. I'm afraid you're stuck with me for the rest of the afternoon.
So what exactly is it you do?
Mostly comedy dancing, balloon animals, striptease and damning people to eternal torment and suffering.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-26-01
Okay, will that be everything, sir?
Yeah, that's all of it.
That'll be $27.98 please.
Here you go.
Have a nice day!
Fuck off.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-29-01
I sex0r man butt!
G1v3 m3 some M@N Butt N0W F00L!!!!!1!!
I sexxxx0r M@n butt G00D!!!!
G1MM3 @n@l l0v@ge lllamers!!!!!!!!
M@N BUTT!!!! M@N BUTT! Gimme it NOW!!!!!!
I have to confess, Tarquin, I'm actually straight. I lied at the interview to get this job.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-29-01
It looks like you're writing a letter!
No, actually I'm reading a letter.
Oh. My mistake.
No problem.
Bye then.
See you.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-29-01
It looks like you're thinking about writing a letter!
Actually I was thinking about what to have for dinner.
Are you sure you're not thinking about writing a letter?
Positive.
REALLY sure?
Hang on, now I'm thinking how easy it is to snap paperclips in half and melt them down.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-29-01
D...E...A
Must type very quietly, or else he'll hear...
R... S...I...R
Dammit! I hit that key too hard. He's bound to hear!
Hey! Let me in you bastard! I hear letter typing going on in there!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-29-01
I will steal all the presents, and hide them away, and totally fuck up their nice Christmas Day.
It looks like you're stealing Christmas!
Damn it Clippy, you should know better. I'm stealing Christmas, not writing a letter.
But if I blow the whistle on you, maybe the people will finally like me!
Later...
Whistleblower!
Dammit.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-30-01
Hello Mr Jesus. My teacher says it's your birthday.
Why, yes. Yes it is.
So to celebrate we're all praying fourteen times a day, and giving all our food to orphans.
We know it's what you'd want.
Actually, I wanted a microscooter.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-02-01
So what do you do?
Well, I'm studying sociology at university and...
No no no. That's not what I meant...
I mean what do you do? Spit or swallow?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-02-01
You may have noticed that throughout this date I have been writing on a clipboard. Would you like to see what's on it?
Ewwww! Is that a picture of me having sex with a horse?
No no no. Of course it isn't.
It's meant to be a donkey.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-04-01
So. Tell me something interesting about yourself.
I have an evil hand. It acts independantly from the rest of my body and I have no control over it.
Stop that.
It's not me- it's the evil hand.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-06-01
I say old chap. 1984 is certainly a jolly good year to be British!
Really, in what way?
Margaret Thatcher has just won a second term in office. That can't be ungood.
Correction - Margaret Thatcher won a second term in 1983, not 1984.
What are you, the thought police?
Pedantic doctor is correcting you!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-09-01
Bastards! The circus has made me redundant, and that leech at the tax office is chasing me up for three grand.
On the plus side, now you're unemployed you'll be able to sit around all day in your pajamas watching daytime television.
That's true, but I really need a job, or the taxman will repossess my house.
You can join my secret society. We use telekinesis to influence the roulette wheel at the casino. The signal is this handshake.
Uuuurgh! Your hand's all sweaty!
Yes, it's a secrete handshake.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-09-01
Come, Glasgow Kid, the evil Felchor is threatening to flood the market with inferior Korean pornography.
Fucking dobber man. Boot fuck. I'm off to shag some 12 year old boot. Pure stinker by the way.
But Glasgow Kid, we must ensure the market is free for softcore erotica featuring no actual sex!
Aaah yah fanny. Fucking big English poof. Mah cousin will stab you jakey cunt.
This is not the deal. I told you if you acted as my sidekick, I'd pay your child support. Now get in the damn Britainmobile!
Cannae. I knocked the wheels and sold them for a bottle of Aftershock, then panned in the windscreen.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
You wanted to see me, Uncle Bilbo?
Yes, Frodo. I have a very important task for you. You must take this ring to the top of Mt Doom. The wizard will guide you.
The Wizard?
Yes. The fate of Middle Earth rests in your hands. Now I must leave before the wizard gets here.
Later...
Are you the wizard?
Damn right I'm the fucking wizard! Now give me that fucking ring, I'm off to the pawn shop!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
I don't understand. If you hate everything so much, why are you helping me save the world?
I want this film to do better than that cunt Potter's. So I figured I'd hijack it. I kidnapped that beardy twat Gandalf and took his place.
You mean you're not Gandalf?
Hell no. Gandalf was supposed to take you up some boring fucking mountain. I figured this film'd be better if I took you to titty bars and blew shit up.
But the fate of Middle Earth is at stake!
Listen, shortarse, I'm getting sick of your fucking moaning? You'd rather save the world than see tits? Are you some kind of fucking homo faggot boy?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
I'm so glad that shortarse fucked off. He was beginning to really annoy me
Grr! I want your ring!
What the fuck? I'm not giving no brown love to any motherfucker, especially some green little shit like you. Fuck off, you nancy boy homo faggot.
No, I meant the magic ring.
Oh.
Although I was going to ask if you wanted some anal, but I'm guessing the answer is 'no'.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
What the fuck are you, anyway?
I'm an Orc! Grr!
An Orc? Like Mork from Orc? I fucking hated that guy. He had all these alien powers, and he never once made that chick's clothes disappear.
Plus I saw that other film where he dressed up as a fucking woman. What kind of fucking weird shit is that?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
(Puff puff), Master Javier! Finally I have caught up with you!
Fuck. Midget boy's found me.
I've been told the Dark Lord has hired another wizard to take the ring off you! He's supposed to be just ahead!
I'm not scared of a fucking wizard. Is he an old fucker with a beard wearing a dress? I bet it fucking is.
I meant to ask that. All wizards are supposed to have beards. Why don't you have one?
Um... McDonalds don't allow facial hair on employees. Now shut the fuck up.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
So anyway. We are the fellowship of the ring.
Fellowship? That sounds so fucking gay. We're going to be a fucking gang.
The Gang of the Ring?
Yeah. And we'll all have fucking gats and a secret hand symbol.
I don't think you're quite grasping the importance of our mission.
Fuck you! Don't fuck with me and my gang.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
The evil wizard is up here, apparently.
I see a little fat fuck up ahead. It must be him.
I have heard this wizard has powers beyond your comprehension.
Yeah yeah yeah. I went to fucking Hogwarts. There's nothing I can't fucking handle.
You! Potter!
Try and upstage my film, will you Javier? Well, you will pay!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
I see you no longer have a goatee, and have lost some weight.
Yes. New art has been added to the Stripcreator since our last meeting, so I no longer have to use the Dexx character.
Ha ha ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
You've got a baby. That means you must have shagged someone.
That is correct.
I bet she was a fucking minger. Was she a fucking minger? Or I bet it was your mum. She's so fat and ugly. She'll fuck anyone.
Actually it was Cameron Diaz. I met her at the premiere of my film. We're getting married in June.
So you've had sex? What's it like?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-12-01
You've got a baby. Are you going to molest it? I bet you are. Fucking child molester.
Errrr, no.
Yes you fucking are. You're going to fondle its little fucking arse and lick and do all kinds of obscene stuff to it, you sick fucker.
Actually this child is destined to be the most powerful wizard ever, and unite the entire world in peace and love.
Fucking kiddy fiddler.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-13-01
Hey you! It says on your card "Satisfaction or your money back." Well, that was the worst blowjob I ever had in my life.
But if you look closely at the card, it also says "Fellatio quad erum nuramdum est frottage felche pardonum".
Hmm... frottage felche pardonum...
Hey! Get back here!

Showing page 4.

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