All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
2-08-05
Oh my god!
I found him dead on the chapel floor. What should we do?
We can carry him around propped up for a while. It's not likely anyone will notice.
Coming this summer: Mirimax Films presents WEEKEND AT JP'S
Look, up in the window, there he is!
Did he bless us? I think so!

 

by kaufman
2-08-05
Meet Jim.
Jim is not afflicted with Norwegian Laughing Sickness.

 

by kaufman
2-08-05
Harry, you might like to borrow this book, "The Power of Positive Thinking," by Norman Vincent Peale.
Several hundred pages later ...
He's right. That was an interesting book. I'll have to try it.

 

by kaufman
2-09-05
So the gang at stripcreator chipped in and bought you a trip to Egypt for your birthday?
Yeah, I was really touched.
Any reason why they did that for you?
All I know is that they came up with it after I told Kajun how old I was.
You know kaufman? He really ought to be going too senile before long.
Good idea! I'll take up a collection.

 

by kaufman
2-10-05
Perigrin Took, where is King Aragorn?
I think he's still dealing with affairs of state.
Hang on, I'll go and summon him.
You do that. You know how he gets if he misses one minute.
Coming up next on SMEAGO, an all-new episode of Queer Eye for the Uruk-Hai.

 

by kaufman
2-10-05
So what is it about powerful white folks having affairs with African-Americans?
You mean like Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings?
Yeah, or Strom Thurmond and Carrie Butler.
Or Barbara Walters and ...
Oooooh, boowite, it's twue, it's twue!

 

by kaufman
2-11-05
Michael, if you really loved me, you'd kill the president and take his place.
I couldn't do that. Soon as I did it, they'd notice there was a black man in the White house.
This isn't 1948. It's not like thet have a White House and a Colored House any more. If you really loved me, you would find a way.
1948? Hey, wait a minute.
I'll prove my love for you, Juanita. Just you wait and see!

 

by kaufman
2-11-05
So I need to borrow your time machine to go back to 1851 and kill the president and take his place in order to prove my love for Juanita.
Don't you think they'll notice a black man in the White House?
Not at all. We're talking 1851. All the comics were in black and white. Nobody will be able to tell the difference.
Oh, all right, go ahead. The keys to the time machine are under the welcome mat.
154 years earlier ...
It worked. I'm back in 1851 and I look the same as the white people.
maaaaaaaa.

 

by kaufman
2-11-05
President Fillmore?
Yes?
I just pulled your brain out of your head.
Aaaaaaackkk.
There you are, Mr. President. You're needed in the East Room. And how'd this dead body get in here? I'll have someone remove it.

 

by kaufman
2-11-05
First, I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of drawing a color comic. No other project in this period will be more impressive to mankind.
Mr. President, Mr. President!
How do you expect us to develop that kind of technology within nine years?
I have faith in the ingenuity of the American populace. Look, there's this 4-year-old kid out in Ohio, name of Edison. Why don't you telegraph him and get him on the case?

 

by kaufman
2-11-05
So you didn't say which president, so I went back in time and killed Fillmore and took his place, and now you know I love you, right?
The president looks white in those pictures from 1852. You're going to have to do better than that.
How ya doin', Doc. I need the time machine again.
Back in 1865 ...
Sorry to do this, Abe, but to prove to my girl that I love her, I have to kill you and take your place.
All for true love? Can't find a better reason than that, I suppose. Very well, you'll find me at the theater tonight.

 

by kaufman
2-11-05
Somebody shot the president!
Oh my god!
Lincoln's dead? But then who's the new president?
I don't know, but he's got a true johnson!
Did she say Andrew Johnson?
Three cheers for President Johnson!

 

by kaufman
2-11-05
So I shot Lincoln and took his place as the man you know as President Johnson. So now, do you know I love you?
Are you kidding? The way you fucked up the Reconstruction?
Michael goes back in time, over and over again, each time killing yet another president and taking his place, each time getting spurned by the cruel Juanita, until one day he comes to the realization:
Oh my god!
I've replaced all the presidents who ever lived. I'm the only president this country's ever had.
And you haven't aged a day, honey.

 

by kaufman
2-11-05
So you see, I'm the only president this contry's ever had. Now have I proven my love for you?
Nope.
Shit, woman, what am I supposed to do? There are no more presidents to kill. Except ...
Oh my goodness. He really loves me!

 

by kaufman
2-14-05
Lenny, go change your shirt, pronto. We just rolled back the prices on the skeletons to $28.45.

 

by kaufman
2-14-05
We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news. The National Hockey League lockout has been settled.
For months the owners had insisted on the imposition of a salary cap, and the players had steadfastly refused.
The impasse was broken early this morning, when representatives of the owners offered the players a salary toque instead.

 

by kaufman
2-16-05
My friend and I have a bet. You know where the Bible says "Jesus wept"? I say you faked it because you wanted to make the Guinness book for shortest Bible verse.
Your name is Jesus? Funny, you don't look Mexican.
I heard you calling my name as you were whacking off, so I came here as fast as I could. What can I do for you, my son?
Uh, a blowjob?

 

by kaufman
2-17-05
Prithee greetings, thou lookest like a friendly chap, man.
Aye, appearances deceive, for thou art a marked chap, man?
Dost thou aim lead at my frail entrails. Nay, shoot with legumes, not metal lance, all I am saying is give peas a chance. (dies)
Consumed am I with demons, for what have I done? Slay the one I most admired, yet thus must I.
Woe upon us, one and one and one make three, and all four together never more shall be.
Yon assassin be fortunate to abide in this enlightened age of eighty-aught. Behold the fine home for the criminally insane, pity its next tenant cometh anon.

 

by kaufman
2-17-05
Herein lies a tale of John and Paul, and George and Richard, they had it all. Top of the charts. top of the world, until their doom upon them hurled.
We meet them now that fateful day, two young teens who want to play.
Verily thou lookest loverly with thine top of mopness.
Aye, and I can say the same about you. Perchance seekest thou a troubador of the sinistral orientation, who can reach the lowest of the low?
With a smidgen of assistance from my friends get I low, alas, yon Stuart diveth for our deep notes.
Prithee drivest Stuart off yon sutte cliff, for from here on out thou shalt let it be, all thine bass are belong to me.

 

by kaufman
2-17-05
The Eagles and Patriots divide points fourteen, they've all left the field, now I make a scene...
o/` Hark, O' Jude, Makest it not fell. Unhappy minstrel, Makest him well.
Take memory of her entry in thine heart, Commence thine art Of making well.
Hark, O' Jude, Fearest nary. Thou art createn To yon wench marry ...
A tragic fate most undeserved. Mine eyes hath abomination observed. A wardrobe malfunction we can tolerate not.
Pull the plug quickly, Paul's career goes ZOT!

 

by kaufman
2-18-05
The nights grow long, Temperatures do wane. We cross the Channel To hone our playin'. This club in Hamburg Shall thus effect...
Now is the winter of our discotheque! So shake it up, urchin, Twist and shout, No one can silence us 'Til this long night is out.
Art thou quite sure? I fear we may be infected by a Teutonic plague, a nasty rat bite may end our loud night.
Fearest not, for if we play, God wins. Laws, even, are nary enow to bring our set to a ...
* end show*

 

by kaufman
2-18-05
Scandalous, scandalous, Lennon speaks out, "Bigger than Jesus, sans fragment of doubt!"
Certes, we are, Jesus is just a scrawny threereasons character to a big cross nail'd. I'd show you, but our rules would be fail'd.
Double, double, boil and bubble, Beatles fall into deep trouble. Blasphemy doth get them cursed. Aught can do to get reversed.
The voice of John hath seal'd their fate, the end begins in sixty-eight ...

 

by kaufman
2-18-05
?
!

 

by kaufman
2-18-05
Gather ye round, and meet my new wife. Remains she with me, the rest of my life. She is my woman, I am her man, I tell you in sooth, She's no flash in Japan.
Hi boys, how art thou doing? My name is Yoko.
Oh no!
Oh no!
Oh no!

 

by kaufman
2-18-05
How now, cancer ravages my cells? Nirvana ahead of me now swells. Strong am I now, eschew medication, I'm fine with lysergic-strength meditation.
Come to the inner light at last. Mortal coil slippeth fast. O' sweet Lord, 'Tis time to go. Here comes your son, For you to ...
Moh.

 

by kaufman
2-19-05
Save for the Cornhuskers, all things must pass. I shant stay here, I move my ass. (exit)
Playing with you three don't come easy, If I were to stay, I would become queasy. (exit)
Imagine all these people playing on their own, You might say I'm a quitter, but I'm not the only one. (exit)
We're so sorry, Albert Hall, But those holes we made, we can't fix at all. (exit)

 

by kaufman
2-19-05
An entrance ne'er more so grand
o/` She was three less than a score, Must needs I speak no more, And her visage held incomparable delight.
For aught might I wit' other maidens flit, For she'd come thither upright.
Beatlemania sweeps the land
To sleep with Paul, perchance so dreamy.
Ay, his hair's to rub.
Boy, you look like a naughty girl, you've let your hair grow down.
Wot?

 

by kaufman
2-19-05
Outlasted them all, but query what cost, All I've found now hath now been lost.
From rolling over Beethoven to rolling over Bach, Now I roll over an octopus' garden, career in hock.
..................................................... (exit)
Never more heard, Never more seen, Nothing but me and my submarine, pockets emptied, save for the holes, God bless our pitiful rubber souls.

 

by kaufman
2-21-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?

 

by kaufman
2-21-05
how the hell do you get two panels in a comic?
Just throw in some Purina Panel Chow. Most likely, you'll have a half dozen in there before long.

 

by kaufman
2-22-05
Who's there?
Cattle.
Cattle who?
Close enough.

 

by kaufman
2-25-05
Thank goodness you're home! I was worried sick about you.
Worried? Why?
It's been four days. Where have you been all this time? I thought you'd been swatted or something.
Oh, come on, I told you, honey.
I had an optometrist's appointment.

 

by kaufman
3-01-05
Welcome to Bushwick Bill's, the largest general store in Self Lick, Indiana. Now, what kin I get you today?
A dozen ears of corn, four apples, eight paintings of Shannon Hoon nude, and a bottle of Advil, make sure it's the type that's Kosher for Passover.
Yeah, that Shannon sure is a cutie. Okey-dokey, that comes to $3429.18. Unfortunately, the price of apples has skyrocketed. But I do have some good news...
You'd better! At those ripoff prices, you'll be lucky if I don't burn your place to the ground tonight.
Hey, relax. I just saved a muleload on my auto insurance by switching to Geico.
Good move, especially since I think it was your truck I clipped in the lot on the way in here.

 

by kaufman
3-08-05
But I'm 8 years old. Why won't you let me into the first grade?
You know the rules, Johnny. All incoming students must have a complete physical. We requested a stool sample from you in 2003, and you still haven't provided it.
I'd like to, but when I was 4, they laid a new sidewalk on our street. I had to leave my mark, and since then, I haven't been able to produce. I can show you concrete evidence of my claims.
And that's why it's two years overdue.
You're so full of shit.

 

by kaufman
3-08-05
BRAAAAAIIIINNNSSS!
Hey, keep it down, man. Haven't you heard they'll be shooting a zombie picture over at the shopping mall? You want to be in that film, no?
Of course, Herb. You know that.
Then get with the program. You know what to do.
OOORRAAAANGGEE JUUUUUULLIUUUUSS!
JAAAAAAAYYY SEEEEEEEEE PENNEEEYYYY!

 

by kaufman
3-09-05
Dude, you and your buddies ought to quit hanging out at that Monroeville dump. I'm opening a new shopping mall that'll knock your feet off.
Oh yeah? What stores will you have?
You'll love it. We've got Brain Bryant, The Brain Locker, Brains & Noble, Lobe & Taylor, Victoria's Cerebellum, ...
Uh huh?
... and of course Orange Julius.
OOORRAAAANGGEE JUUUUUULLIUUUUSS

 

by kaufman
3-09-05
That was a very good movie. I must show my appreciation.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Ah, I am enlightened.

 

by kaufman
3-09-05
A reader asks: How would history have been changed if Judy Garland were killed in a thresher accident at age 8?
Well, for one thing, a movie you all know and love would have been much different. Let's peek in at the alternate Wizard of Oz auditions.
o/` Somewhere over the BRAAAAAAIIIINbow, way up high ...
Murray! You can send that Bolger guy home. We've found our Scarecrow!

 

by kaufman
3-10-05
Bobby is going to be so happy. I cooked him a killer bee souffle for his birthday.
I won't ruin the surprise. I can't wait to see his face when you bring out the dessert.
It seems that I had too much to eat already. I have no room for dessert.
Oh well, I guess I'll just have to set the killer bees free then.
Fly away to Africa! You're free at last.
It's too far. I think I'll swim.

 

by kaufman
3-10-05
I'll see you later, Polly. I'm off to do some errands.
Oh sure! Just take off and explore the world while I'm stuck in this cage! I see where we stand, you and I. ALL HAIL THE TYRANT GRANNY! OUR WICKED DESPOT!
Well, I suppose I could stay home but then I can't buy you any ice cream. Is that what you want?
Depends. Can we get Rocky Road?
How about Peanut Butter Fudge Almond?
Sold!

 

by kaufman
3-10-05
That mummy just ran out of that building like he was utterly terrified. I wonder what could scare him like that.
The best part of being a ghost is the sensation you get when passing through walls. Now what's on the other side?
Ah, Wal-Mart.
Please, please. Don't so much as think of looking at me.

 

by kaufman
3-10-05
Hi there. You may know us from the "sucky sucky" comics, but today we have a special offer for you.
Yes, you can buy a ten-sucky-sucky coupon set for just $49.95, and we'll throw in your choice of these free gifts:
An asiangirls raincoat, a feetforears nightlight, or a play money $5 bill with Brad's picture on the front.
Or you can choose a slightly soiled biscuit or an atlas of Wales donated and autographed by Bazilla.
They're not ordering. Are they?
You told me this would work. You said they'd be selling like hotcakes. You took me off the street where I could be earning a fortune for this? I hate you!

 

by kaufman
3-10-05
Where are you going, Michael?
To Mercury. I need to buy a few tons of dilithium.
Can I come along?
Only if you promise not to speak.
Over on Mercury...
Why is your sister convulsing like that?
Probably because she didn't have a spacesuit.

 

by kaufman
3-14-05
You know how you always said, let he who is without sin cast the first stone?
Uh huh?
Well, Christ, I did, and I busted your front window.
YOU WHAT?
You look distressed. Is there anything I can get for you?
-PANE-

 

by kaufman
3-21-05
I said my prares, so now now you say yours hoar cause you cnat escape my naleing.
Oh, help! Help!
Cry all yuo want. I'm gonna put my left hand on your right buttcheek and my right hand on yuor left behind and I'll ...
So what happened? How did you ever escape that evil thing?
He must have been a true believer, because then the rappture came.

 

by kaufman
3-21-05
What Cthulhu says to us:
You should never harm people. It is a sin to kill. Take care of the defenseless and treat them well.
What we hear:
Phonkgh nnghurlh HARM PEOPLE. Phnurgh SIN rglnugh KILL. Ouuoughkx llnkhz grkaghnvx EAT THEM lxhnkt.

 

by kaufman
3-29-05

 

by kaufman
3-29-05
BIIIIAAARRRSSS!

 

by kaufman
3-29-05
Nice. Did you shoot it yourself?

 

by kaufman
3-29-05
We've secretly erased Lucy Hoffa's father. Let's see if she notices.

Showing page 43.

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