All comics by ComedyGeek

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by ComedyGeek
10-11-09
I WANNA BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND! or... boyfriend... or, or... or WHATEVER!
But I...
I know I'm not a boy but I'll be real quiet and nice and maybe we can cuddle or watch TV or whatever it is you do and I can pretend to be a boy or maybe get bigger horns or something, cause, cause...
Look, I just...
..cause you are SO NICE and SO COOL and nobody has ever talked to me like you do and so all I want is to be around you and HOW COMEYOU'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING?!?
You mean I get to talk too?

 

by ComedyGeek
10-12-09
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT TALKING? SAY SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING!!!
Okay, okay! Calm down! Sheesh!
Okay. I'm calm. I'm calm. Okay.
Sure ya are. Anyhow... look, Lurlene. I have no idea what makes you suddenly think you're in love with me, but we both know that can't work, right?
But I... you... I need...
I mean, besides the whole me be gay thing, we barely know each other, and every time we've met, we've ending up screaming at each other. That's not a good sign.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-12-09
But.... that's not.... no...
Now I'm going to go over to the feed bin for a while. You stay here, and uh.... well, just stay here.
But but but..... I.... you.....
I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

 

by ComedyGeek
10-13-09
Hey Hank.
Hey Petunia. So... is she gone?
Yup. Left here like her tail was on fire and the only water was two counties over.
Oh, thank GOD that is finally over!
Sure.... for now.
What do you mean, "for now"? She's gone. That's it.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-13-09
Sure, she's gone, Hank, but.... look, it's obvious she's totally obsessed with you. She's bound to be back again some time.
Oh God, don't say that! That crazy cow freaks me out.
Sorry, pal. That's how I see it. Wow, you really are clueless about stuff, you know that? Where would you be without me?
Probably sleeping better at night. But thanks, Petunia, for looking out for me.
No problem, big guy. Just paying you back for explaining all those big words when we watch TV!
You're welcome, dear. Remember, when someone is lying down, they're "prostrate", not "prostate".

 

by ComedyGeek
10-14-09
Hi folks! Welcome to tonight's episode of Interesting People. Tonight, my guest is Duana Elbright, a man who claims to be gay for political reasons.
That's right, Shep. It was the only way to escape the matriarchy and find out who I really am when I'm not pursuing or trying to please women.
So, just to be clear... you started sleeping with other men as an act of political protest?
Exactly. It was the best way to send the message that I wasn't going to be a slave to women's wishes any more. Plus, men know what men like, right?
And how! Have you encountered a lot of resistance?
Yes, I've gotten flack from women who can't stand to have their vaginocentric power challenged, apologist men, and assimilationist fags.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-14-09
Has this surprised you?
Of course not. You have to expect that when you challenge the vaginocracy, they're going to try to silence your unique voice.
Anything else on yor mind?
Yeah, I'd just like to say that I am tired of women hitting on me when I go to the lesbian bar. I go there to get away from that kind of thing!
Well, I'm afraid we're out of time for this week. Duane, last word?
Yes Shep, I'd like to inform everyone that, as of the thrid of next month, my name will have been legally changed to "Jock MeatThruster".

 

by ComedyGeek
10-15-09
This holiday season, you could get your man anything.... sports tickets, power tools, a new tie...
... a spouse with taste and imagination....
But why not get him what he really wants.... why not get him... Laid.
Say what now?
Laid.... the ultimate fragrance for me. Trust us... no matter what he says he wants to get... he'll be happy to get... Laid.
They may be on to something there.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-16-09
"Wait, I know how to stop the meteor! We'll just... "
Break out the Plot Device!
THE END
WHAT!?!
You're watching the Lack of Closure network, where we...
Where you WHAT? Oh.... ha ha ha. Very cute. Well, I think your network is very...

 

by ComedyGeek
10-17-09
At the Rocky Horror Hardware Store
Excuse me, do you have any Adjustable Brads?
Sure thing, they're over there by the Janet Vise.
Thanks! Hey, how come you guys have a security guard at the door?
Oh, that's just to the keep the RiffRaff out.
HE NEVER LIKED ME!
Don't freak out, Riff.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-18-09
Are you sure this is the only way to resolve our differences, Mister Skitters?
Indeed, sir. My honour demands it.
Your honour? But all I said was....
DARE YOU REPEAT YOUR CRIME, SIR? Have you NO SHAME AT ALL?
... that your fuzzy little nuts were adorable.
OUTRAGE! SCANDAL! Death is too good for a base varlet like yourself, sir... now walk ten paces, turn, and FIRE!

 

by ComedyGeek
10-19-09
Ah, fresh meat. Welcome to Hell for Intellectuals, sinner!
Hah! What kind of an insecure and jealous God would put a man like me in Hell just for being an intellectual?
Oh, no. You're in here because you were a horrible raging evil douchebag your whole life. Anyhow, all your heroes are here... Ayn Rand, Voltaire, Camus, Nietzsche...
But... that's fantastic! Finally, I'll be in the company of my intellectual peers!
... the bad news? All they ever talk about it sports and American Idol.
But... they.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

 

by ComedyGeek
10-20-09
Welcome back to Interesting People, and... you know, you look.... anyhow, who are you, and what makes you so interesting?
My name is Harper Thompson, and I look familar.
I'll say you do! Listen, did we meet back in...
No. See, that's my problem. I look familiar to absolutely everybody. So no, I didn't... look, it's all here on my card, have one.
"No, we didn't meet in college. I've never been at a conference you attended, and I've never dated anyone in your family... "
Keep the card, I've got hundreds. Saves a lot of time.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-21-09
NOTE : The dialogue for today's strip has been filtered for language appropriateness by SmugSoft's Internet Filter.
Hey, nice computer! Is it a Penis?
Yup! Do you like my wallpaper of the Little Dutch Boy with his finger stuck in a lesbian?
Yeah! Mine is of a penis crowing on top of a weatherpenis.
Oh, I had that one, but then I switched to a picture of my vaginacat hiding by the river amongst the vaginawillows.
Hey, did you hear they're making a remake of Mary Poppins with Andy Penis as the chimney-sweep?
How dare they cast that hack in a role originated by Penis Van Lesbian?

 

by ComedyGeek
10-22-09
Death here. I've been pulling a lot of heat lately because there's been a string of celebrity deaths. People say I have something against celebrities. BULLSHIT, man.
Remember the Baby Boom? Guess what, now there's a Death Boom. It's not a vendetta. It's DEMOGRAPHICS. And it'll get worse before it gets better, amigos.
Besides, I don't kill anyone. I just clean up after, OK? So cut a brother some slack. Knock off all this "Death Stalks Hollywood" shit. Like I got nothing better to do.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-23-09
"Up next : more Antiques Road Show. "
I can't wait! Man, can that armoire tapdance!
"After that, the new controvervisal sport, Inappropriate Touch Football".
Look, whatever consenting adults do with their pigskins...
"And then it's everyone's favorite game show, Spot the Bullshit!"
*Bzzt!* Bullshit! Celebrity Slap Fight is on before it!

 

by ComedyGeek
10-24-09
Hi there folks! The Comedy Geek here, Would you believe this is the 200th strip already?
Um, excuse me? Who are you, and what are you doing in my paddock?
Once more, I'd like to thank everyone who has been reading these weird little strips of mine.
I'm serious. What the hell are you doing in my... wait... is that pie?
I'm not gonna promise that I'll learn to promote the comic this time. Too much pressure. But if you like it, spread the world, OK?
OK, you can stay. But only if you share. Especially if that's chocolate creme mousse.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-25-09
Um, hello there.
Good afternoon, sir. Have you given serious thought to the fate of your soul come Judgement Day?
Uh, listen, I don't really...
Nah, I'm just fucking with ya. Listen, did you know that we squirrels will lick ANYTHING if it's covered in peanut butter?
Just uh... what, exactly do you mean by....
ANYTHING, pal. No questions asked or answered. As long as it tastes like peanut butter, we'll just keep licking. Think about it.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-26-09
Now FEEL the cruel sting of the eletric whip of your sadistic teacher, Miss Discipline! Crawl, you mewling worm!
Um, excuse me?
Yes?
What, exactly, is "mewling"? Isn't that like a cat noise? Doesn't that make it pretty unlikely that a WORM would make that noise?
... now FEEL the cruel sting of my electic whip, you nitpicking anal-retentive self-righteous ASSHOLE!
Ahhh, yes, that's much better.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-27-09
"Blessed Be, children! "
Well met, hag!
"Are you a lonesome Wiccan in need of special communion with winsome skyclad nymphs? "
Nymphs? No.
"Then reach deep into your Earth-self and call... The Ley Line., Nymphs await your call.... credit cards only, $5.99/minute, must be over 17. "
Get back to me when you hire some... satyrs.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-28-09
On tonight's episode of Pun Idol
Next contestant! Who are you, and what do you do?
My name is Vanilla Death, and I'm the lead singer of a band called Barette.
Barette? What kind of music is that?
We're a hair band.
GAH! Winner.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-29-09
So uh, nice of Fred to suggest we split to to cover more ground in our search for the uh...."Secret Swamp Killer"... heh heh heh heh heh...
You bet.
And now, here I am, all alone with a super hot chick, with nobody else for miles around to interrupt...hehe heh heh heh...
Yes. And none to hear your screams.
So baby, let's get down and... wait, what? WHAT THE HELL? What are you going to do to me?
Remember "The Thing"? Like that. But with penises.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-30-09
What's wrong?
I can't get to sleep!
Well, you know the cure for that, right?
You mean, counting us?
Yeah!
Well, it's worth a shot... OK... there's Steve.... Ellen.... George.... the Twins.... uh, Stuart and his lambs... um...

 

by ComedyGeek
10-31-09
No. I'm not looking.
Aww, come on. Maybe I got you something really, really good!
Oh yeah? Like what?
Like... um.... a pretty puppy... or um... some candy, or a cake shaped like, uh.... a.... hammer.
Hah! I knew it was a hammer! And then you hit me with the hammer, knock me out, and shave off more of my beard. Nuh uh. Not falling for it.
Curse my psychotic devotion to my dominant idiom!

 

by ComedyGeek
11-01-09
Hey there, Mister Town Hall Republican! What do you think of the United States military?
ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. The USA has the best miltary IN THE WORLD! U S A! U S A !
Right! And what does the United States Military deserve?
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. Guns, bombs, everything they need to keep us SAFE FROM TERRORISTS!
OK! And how much are you willing to pay in taxes for all that?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Taxation is theft!

 

by ComedyGeek
11-02-09
We broke down all the barriers.
Removed all things that used to define us, like religion, ethnicity, culture, and history.
The world is wide open for you. You can do anything. Your options are infinite.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-02-09
Now, knowing all that, and knowing that life will still punish you harshly if you make the wrong choice : what do you want to do with your life?
Can I get a hint?

 

by ComedyGeek
11-03-09
"Today on Annoying In The Morning, we take a sneak peak at the new Canadian thriller, "The Spy Who Thanked Me"
Who fights, no doubt, for peace, order, good government, and Tim Horton's.
"Then later, we'll be talking to two young Chinese sailors who are restoring a traditional Chinese sailing vessel!"
I can't wait to see their junk.
"And finally, we'll be talking to Ann Coulter about her new book, 'What Do I Have To Say to Get On Television Again'"
How about "I'm going to kill myself and you all get to watch"?

 

by ComedyGeek
11-04-09
Ooooh, this one is really scary. Do you think it looks scary, Charlie?
I guess.
Yes, this is the costume that will make me really frightening to all the little kids this year!
Halloween is over for this year, Grandma.
Charlie, when you're dead, Halloween is never over. Ooh, maybe I'll dress up as a scary witch!
I'll still be the only one who can see you, Grandma. Y'know, I liked you a lot more before you died.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-05-09
Alight, JT. You can do this. Just turn to the nice rrrobot and order your meal.
I AM PREPARED TO TAKE YOUR ORDER SIR.
Robophobia CAN be conquered. You CAN do this, JT. The robot is here to help you, not hurt you.
PLEASE ORDER A MEAL OR STEP ASIDE FOR THE NEXT CUSTOMER, SIR.
The robot is NOT going to rip out your spine and shove it up your ass till it sticks out your mouth.
OK THAT IS IT. THIS UNIT IS NOW ON BREAK. I AM GOING IN THE BACK TO PURGE MY BUFFER.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-06-09
Here's the map! You can be my navigator!
Sure! Wait... this is a map of Perth, Australia. We're in New Jersey.
That may be true, but New Jersey is depressing. I much prefer Perth.
But won't we get lost and run into things?
Of course not! There's plenty of room to navigate in Perth, Austrlia!
How about oxygen? Do they have oxygen? I could really go for some oxygen.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-07-09
To the tune of "Hakuna Matata" from Disney's The Lion King
C'thulhu f'tagn! What a wonderful phrase! C'thulhu f'tagn! Will bring the END OF DAYS!
It means no humans for the rest of Earth's days! To be spared the worst... we'll be eaten first! C'thulhu F'tagn!
To the tune of "Luka" by Susanne Vega
My name is Loofah. I hang on your shower door. I'm always there for you. Yes, I think you've used me before.
If you need something really great, to cleanse your skin and exfoliate... just don't ask me where I've been!(etc)
To the tune of "Vaseline" by the Flaming Lips
I know a guy who... died on the cross! We all loved him... 'cause he was the Son of the Boss!
But he wasn't a Muslim, or the Dalai Lama! He wasn't a Hindu... in funky pajamas! He was the NAAAAAZARENE!

 

by ComedyGeek
11-08-09
Can I open my eyes yet?
Just a sec.... OK, you can open them.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
You repainted the house! I love it!
You do? Oh, I'm so glad!

 

by ComedyGeek
11-09-09
They say this guy died of H1N1.
Really? Shit. I'm glad I NEVER get sick.
Oh yeah, I've heard of that. Chronic Health Syndrome. They have a pill for that now.
Really? What's in it?
Mostly poison and germs.
Does it come with the antidote, or do you have to buy that seperately?

 

by ComedyGeek
11-10-09
The car alarm is a complete failure as an invention. I shall illustrate with the help of these two fine young gentlemen.
Yo.
What up.
What the car alarm companies think people do when they hear a car alarm
Listen! That sound can mean only one thing : A criminal is attempting the theft of a car!
Quick, alert the authorities whilst I rustle up a posse!
What people really do when they hear a car alarm
Oh great, some asshole's car alarm is going off.
Man, I hate those things.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-11-09
You're watching the What The Hell Am I Watching?? Network
The people have smelled the fiear! YOU MUST MOULT!
Never! Grotesque appreciation is only fermented by TIME AND LOVE!
Meanwhile....
Say, toots, how about my frenulum?
It is absurdly turgid and a place for lions to wheeze. Make my coffee.
As opposed to...
Metrosexuality is NO LONGER OPTIONAL.
I disregard your metaphors and instead shall hum show tunes with my orifice!

 

by ComedyGeek
11-12-09
And, in health news, HMOs have started dropping people for a pre-existing codition described as "health".
"Studies show that most sick people were healthy right before they become ill. " said HMO CEO Rich Scumbag.
Can't argue with that logic.
He then added "Of course, we'll still be charging your employer for the health care we've decided to never provide again. "
The system works.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-13-09
So, who were you just talking to?
I'm sorry. I cannot tell you.
Why, is it some kind of secret?
Not exactly, it's just... you know that phrase "That's my name, don't wear it out?"
Yeah,...
His got worn out. Now nobdy can refer to him. It's very tragic.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-14-09
OK, now you disable the alarms while I go get the equipment.
Sure thing, Santa Baby!
I told you NEVER TO CALL ME THAT. I hate that song. Anyhow, you disable the alarms while I deliver the presents.
While you do the what now?
It's Xmas eve and I'm Santa Claus, what did you think we were here to do?
Common burglary, an assumption which now fills me with shame.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-15-09
Hey Hank! You're pretty smart. What do you think of this whole 2012 thing?
I don't like disaster movies.
Not the movie, silly! I mean the whole... Mayan calendar running out... end of the world... thing!
Well, what I hope happens is that the might Mayan gods rise from their long slumber and approach the trembling masses...
..and?
.. and hand them new calendars and say "There, that should hold you for a while. Now quit bothering us! "

 

by ComedyGeek
11-16-09
"A Boston restaurant has announced the debut of the Noah's Ark burger, whick contains two of every animal. "
Hope it's nobody I know.
"An Ameican hospital has opened a 'song stuck in your head' ward.
Does that mean there's a cure? Because I've had frigging "Poker Face" playing in my head for a week now...
"And a new church debuted in California called the Church of Something".
Presumably for those people who don't know what they believe in, but know they believe in "something".

 

by ComedyGeek
11-17-09
Good evening folks. Tonight, our guest is Mathias Foswick, the least famous man in the world.
Hi there folks.
Now I understand that you claim to be the least famous person in the world.
Yes. It's what I'm known for.
Is that so?
Indeed. Ask any random person on the street, they'll say "Mathias Foswick? Man, is that guy ever not famous."

 

by ComedyGeek
11-17-09
Now I understand that you've written a book about your unique life.
Yes, it's called "The Unfamous Man" and it's about what it's like being the least known man in the whole world.
Is it available now?
Yes, it's available in hardcover, paperback, and of course, directly from my website as an eBook
You heard it here first, folks. Be the first on your block to own "The Unfamous Man" by Mathias Foswick.
Who?

 

by ComedyGeek
11-18-09
Next season, tune in to the latest reality-show phenomenon, "Bait Nerds".
I hate those stupid reality sho.... wait, what?
On Bait Nerds, we take expert martial artists, disguise them as nerds, and send them into to high schools around the country.
Oh God... and then?
Soon, bullies try to pick on what they assume is another helpless nerd... and that's when the fun begins!
THE WORLD NEEDS THIS SHOW.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-19-09
Well, here I am, back from the comic convention!
Welcome back! How did it go?
Great! I saw this guy wearing this AWESOME T-shirt!
Really? What did it say?
It said "FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN MY PARENTS' BASEMENT. "
WANT.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-20-09
While dining at La Grand Cochon, your sumptuous meal will be accented by selections from our deep wine cellar...
Uh huh.
Afterwards, our in-house band's light evening music will make the perfect backdrop for your date's amorous advances...
...what?
And as her tight leather dress rides up her creamy white thighs, the force of your mutual passion will drive you together like..
Wait, did I accidentally switch to Cinemax again?

 

by ComedyGeek
11-21-09
I got the drugs. You got the money?
Yeah I got the money, right here in this... a HA! This GUN says I'm gonna just TAKE your drugs! I don't even HAVE the money!
Oh yeah? Well the joke's on you, because I don't have the drugs! I just have this here GUN!
What the... you're kidding! You mean we both had the same idea? That's hilarious!
Yup! Some pair of jokers we turned out to be, huh? We even brought the same gun!
Man, do I feel silly! Oh well, no harm, no foul. Catch ya on the flipflop!

 

by ComedyGeek
11-22-09
No cute animals were harmed during the production of thie following.
Well, that's good.
Coming up next, Bill Gates' hgh school bully, and how perpetual fear of reprisal has driven him insane.
Serves him right.
But first, a word from BTD, who reminds you to say it... with blowjobs.
Flowers are nice too. You can eat them after the blowjobs.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-23-09
My Gods, our very lives are held in the slippery claws of that demented interdimensional madman, Megagog!
Just use the Epsilion Field.
Use the what?
The Epsilon Field. We went through a huge adventure to get it and then used it to defeat Lord Zord. Like, yesterday.
Yes, well, that's all well and good but it clearly wouldn't work in THIS situation.
No, it would. It totally would. Everyone said it worked on all interdimensoinal beings. Megagog's one.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-23-09
Well, maybe, but...
Then there's the Hard Cloak. Or the Relocator. There's six things in ship's stores that could solve this problem right now. No prob.
I see. Listen, Technician... Petersen, is it? You've obviously too smart to be a lowly Tech. I'm promoting you, as of now...
Really? Wow, that's awesome!
...to Security. Somebody get this man a red shirt.
Aw, crap.

Showing page 5.

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