All comics by ObiJo

Profile

 

by ObiJo
5-24-01
Excuse me, God?
Yes, my son?
What's your favorite movie?
Apocalypse Now.
Woopsie.

 

by ObiJo
5-25-01
Doug?
Yes, Ted?
You are floating.
Ted?
Yes, Doug?

 

by ObiJo
5-25-01
Water you looking at?
Are you crazy?! There's a 30-foot wall of water coming right at us!
Yes, I know. I was making a joke.

 

by ObiJo
5-25-01
I believe I may be the most underused character on this site. To show my ability, I have put together this short promotional video.
I could be the Loch Ness monster in search of my meal.
Or a scary giant worm from Dune. Boo!
Or a hardened criminal from the tough streets. But remember kids, whatever you DO decide to make me...
...even twins, *wink*, I need 80k starting and Wednesdays through Sundays off.

 

by ObiJo
5-25-01
Giant goat, I bow to your power.
Would ya get up. You're making an ass of yourself.

 

by ObiJo
5-25-01
titular
nope
paroxysm
uh uh
lugubrious
Like an electric razor! Woo hoo!

 

by ObiJo
5-25-01
My God! I can't believe this! She fell down and hit her head, but who's gonna believe that?! WWJD?
Ok, wrap the body in some plastic bags and stick it in the trunk. Bury it out in the desert, then remove your VIN and license from your car and ditch it in a lake.
Report your car stolen, but not, repeat NOT before buying some red wine and pouring it over the blood stain on your living room carpet, and having it replaced.
Jesus, you're starting to freak me out.
Don't interrupt, kid. Now, the trick to dealing with the cops is giving them a story they want to believe. So, you say you saw a suspicious black man...

 

by ObiJo
5-25-01
Jim Morrison
I am the lizard king! I can do anything!
Massage my balls with your toes.
Meatloaf
But I won't do that.

 

by ObiJo
5-25-01
Have you ever thought about birthdays? They seem to me to just be a celebration of our own mortality, our own death. Quite morbid if you ask me.
I never thought of it like that, but it makes sense. Mankind's occasional fleeting joys distract him from recognizing his impending eternal nothingness.
So I should probably take back these transformers I bought you.
Transformers?! Cool! Lez play! Lez play!
I'm Optimus Prime!

 

by ObiJo
5-26-01
Git your greasy ass back here!
Next!
Where you going, hoss?
Next!
Come back, Shane!
A winner is you.

 

by ObiJo
5-26-01
Dear Ed, I have tripled coverage on your life insurance policy and will be using the money from your untimely passing to move to Tijuana with my lover, Pete.
I have made this note just sufficiently long enough to allow the falling TV to do its job. Have a good death, my late husband. Till death do us part, Rita
Speed reading class.

 

by ObiJo
5-26-01
My work ethic's been with me since I was a little kid. It's something that's in me always.
In you always? You mean like my dick?
There's such a microscopic difference between your tiny dick being in and your tiny dick being out, it would take a team of scientists a week to figure it out.
Ouch.
Still hurting.

 

by ObiJo
5-26-01
Are you going to tell me how you robbed the bank, son? Or am I gonna have to beat it out of you?
Ok, Ok, I'll tell! Here's the whole sordid story...

 

by ObiJo
5-27-01
Any reason you kidnapped me?
How many members in your household?
Three.
Ok, that's what I needed to know. You're free to go.
The 2000 Census: solving our data gathering needs one orbiting pink donkey at a time.
Why'd you kidnap me?
What's your gross income?

 

by ObiJo
5-28-01
Hear the one about the man crucified to save all of humanity?
No? Haven't heard that one, huh?
WELL IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY.

 

by ObiJo
5-28-01
RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Aaah! I'm getting out of here!
RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
I just wet myself!
RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
RAAAAAR! JESUS WILL SMITE THEE!

 

by ObiJo
5-28-01
I got arrested today, but can't really talk about it since the charges are still pending.
But, I'll tell you this...
It involved cornholing.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-01
When I was a kid I used to believe that angels lived on clouds.
But as I matured, I grew out of that belief.
Till one day...
Hey, Ben! Look at that guy down there masturbating in the field!
Eeewww.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-01
Captain, we are receiving a subspace communication.
On screen, Uhura.
Hiya, Jim! Just wanted to let you know my Cardinals have tied your Cubs for first place! Looks like you might be owing me some money, chump! Later!
Orders, captain?
Arm photon torpedos! Target Mark McGwire! Fire!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-01
Chain Letters
If you don't make a copy of this letter and send it to 80 people in 8 minutes, you are DOOMED!
The Beginning of the Watts Riots
Um, what are you doing there, Ted?
Must poke my finger in his eye, must poke my finger in his eye, don't know why, must poke my finger in his eye.
This Scene from the Godfather
Yawn! Oh, what a beaut...Holy Shit!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-01
So I can get that beauty for only $6000?
That's right, little lady. It has cruise control, tinted windows, and tons of trunk space.
I'll take it!
Ok, just...Oh, who am I kidding! They put sand in the gas tank and if you read the contract closely, the warranty expires upon purchase.
I don't know what I was thinking when I hired that guy.

 

by ObiJo
5-30-01
Why do people keep making fun of me?
Everyone is just jealous of your amazing comedic talent.
Really?
No, Obi. It's because you're a man who always depicts himself as a little girl in all his strips.
Better?
Freak.

 

by ObiJo
5-31-01
Yo, Jesus! Cool, I found you! You have to give me three wishes, right?
Damnit, I'm a savior not a genie!
So, where's your pot of gold, you slippery little bastard?
Damnit, I'm a savior not a leprechaun!
Jesus, I've been a sinner all my life, but I want to repent and become clean again. Please help me!
Damnit, I'm a savior, not a savior! Oh, wait, I'll get right on that.

 

by ObiJo
5-31-01
I...just ran a...four minute...mile!
I'm tearing down my old belief system and erecting a new one with you at the center.
Bitch.

 

by ObiJo
5-31-01
Hello. How are you doing?
Holy shit! C'mere Neal, and look at this talking donkey!

 

by ObiJo
5-31-01

 

by ObiJo
6-02-01
Where to, miss?
Follow that car!
Which one?
Oh, anyone will do.
Let me guess, you're going to the Suspense Writers Convention.
Working for the Russians, I see.

 

by ObiJo
6-03-01
I have done your bidding, master.
You mean the grocery shopping? Thanks, sweety.
All those who face you meet their doom.
I love you too. Did you have a good day?
Yes, oh mighty one.
Why must she see me as something I'm not?

 

by ObiJo
6-03-01
Ok, we started east and then went north for a mile or two. Or was it south and west?
We're going to die!
Percentages?
92% Bear Attack, 7% Starvation, 1% Devolution.
Devolution? That doesn't sound very likely.
Yeah, that one's a long shot.

 

by ObiJo
6-03-01
The revolution will not be televised.
Pull up a chair and grab the popcorn! The Revolution, tonight at 7pm on ABC!
Well then it will have crappy lighting and bad camera angles.

 

by ObiJo
6-03-01
Cock! Come and get it!

 

by ObiJo
6-04-01
How high's the water, mama?
Three feet high and rising.
How high's the water, papa?
Papa?

 

by ObiJo
6-04-01
Filled with rage then Billy Joe reached for his gun to draw,
?
?
But the stranger drew his gun and fired before he even saw,
?
?
As Billy Joe fell to the floor the crowd all gathered 'round, and wondered at his final word,
Manboob.
?

 

by ObiJo
6-05-01
...8...9...10! Ready or not, here I come!
Me too!
I just sodomized you in the most painful and brutal manner ever, and you didn't so much as flinch. This either indicates homosexual tendencies, or an extreme threshold for pain. Have anything to say?
Found you! You're it!
Well, of all the dirty tricks...

 

by ObiJo
6-06-01
Yesterday's Radio
Ty Cobb's rounding third, and OH NO! His leg bone just burst through the skin! He's still going, collides with the catcher and JARS THE BALL LOOSE! TIGERS WIN!
Cobb, you magnificient bastard, you!
Today's TV
Kevin Johnson, with a bruised shin, will be out two to three weeks.
Three weeks for a bruise?
Tomorrow's Holovision
Unnecessary Roughness. Mussing the hair. 15 yard penalty. First down!
Open your eyes, ref! That was Intentional Grooming if I've ever seen it!

 

by ObiJo
6-06-01
Who would have thought Heather's a hermaphrodite? And I can't believe shehe sodomized me after I had confided in herhim. I feel so used!
squeak
I need to find some way to get rid of this rage! To make someone else feel the pain that I did!
squeak
Lucky for me I have one gigantic chicken dick.
sque...MOTHERFUCKER!!!

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
This was a bad idea. Maybe I should just go.
The man will see you now.
Don Bongo, thank you for your time.
You are Helmut's boy are you not? Your father's a good man. Now what is it you have come to me for?

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
As you may know, I have started a ranching business. We make and sell imitation leather.
Why do you need a ranch to make *imitation* leather?
The cows are cheap labor when they know the alternative.
Smart boy. Continue.
I have been visited by associates of Crazy Al, known to some as "The Scientist." He's pressuring me for 40% off top for his protection.
And you do not wish to pay. You have done the right thing coming to me. I will deal will this problem for you, but in return you will owe me a favor.

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
You have sent *SQUELCH* for me, boss?
There is a ... What was that?
Just a bad batch of ziti working its *SQUELCH* way through.
An old friend of ours is in town. I want you to give him a welcome back party.
You want I should whack him? *SQUELCH*
No, I want you to throw him a welcome back party. Were you listening?

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
Yes, Don Bongo?
I believe our associate, the squirrel, is working for the feds. He's bugged.
You know I hate that term.
Sorry.
I mean it denigrates my entire species.
I said I was sorry.

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
The squirrel? That is hard to believe, Don Bongo, though he was acting strange at lunch today.
You went to lunch with him? What was it that he ate? Ziti?
Ziti? No, we both had cheeseburgers.
You ok?
Just stretching.

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
I want you to dispose of our cheeseburger-eating friend.
Me!?
No, the squirrel. I have him in the sound-proof basement setting up a party for The Scientist. Get down there and, when The Scientist arrives, show them both the party of their lives.
OK! I'll get a DJ, and some streamers, and oh those little crab cakes squirrely like so much!
Let us start over.

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
I can't believe I have to whack squirrely. We came up together.
Our kids are on the same little league team, our wifes play bridge on Thursdays, he's like a brother to me.
A penny! Pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck!

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
Where is bug? It has been three hours.
I have to stop doing that.

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
This time it is warranted.
Young man! There's no need to feel down!
I said, young man! Pick yourself off the ground!
I said, young man! Cause you're in a new town! There's no need to be unhappy! CHA, CHA, CHA CHA CHA! It's fun to stay at the...

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
Y!!!!!
M!!!!!
C!!!!!
A!!!!!

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
In the Navy! Yes, you can sail the seven seas!
In the Navy! Yes, you can put your mind at ease!
They always get the good lines. Get them, bug!
But we haven't done Macho Man yet.

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
I'm gonna miss those guys.
One was a rat and the other an enemy.
But beautiful singing voices.
Let no man say different.

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
Y
M
C
A
It's just not the same.
I know.

 

by ObiJo
6-07-01
I have done the thing of which you asked.
Thank you, Don Bongo.
And now I require that favor.
Anything, Don Bongo.
It involves one of your cows.

Showing page 5.

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