All comics by deucepm

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by deucepm
9-29-02
Where are we going? I thought we were gonna swipe Wirthling's house!
I don't wanna talk about it.
What happened to Uncle Machete?
Uncle Machete...Uncle Machete is unclean now. Uncle Machete is gone. Forget Uncle Machete.
But...but what could he possibly have--
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY?!

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
Christ, I thought I'd seen depravity, but those two--
Yeah, yeah. You can relax. I got us a new location.
You did? How? Is it a good location?
It's the best! People are dying to get in there!
I'm going to kill you. No, seriously, I'm going to fucking kill you.
See, it's a graveyard! And people are "dying" to--oh, fuck it, go ahead and do it. One clean shot to the dome.

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
So did you hear about that guy in the New Jersey airport?
psst. your line is--
"YOU'RE A BRAINLESS FUCKTARD?" Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT it was!

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
So then he gets us a gig in a graveyard. How am I supposed to be funny in a graveyard? Everyone's already dead in there!
Fucking ingrate! You try finding a decent strip location in today's market. Do you know how much the down payment on "desert" was?
Must feign death. Must. Feign. Death.
Mister, I'm right, right, mister? Mister? Mister, tell him I'm right!

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
Hmph.
Hmph.
Hey, Mildred, go ahead and take this site back. I just torched my store for the insurance money and I'm off to Cancun.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Depends. Does Cancun have extradition laws?

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
Well, here we are again. Same positions, same background, same pointlessness.
Yeah. You'd think there'd be some kind of consequences.
Wait a minute...there are no consequences to our actions...everything is always the same...the characters never learn or grow...
What are you saying?
WE'RE A REAL COMIC STRIP!
Cool! Which way to Liberty Meadows?

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
We gotta go on vacation.
Uh...okay. Why?
Well, you know...we need to relax. And we need a change of scenery.
But we've only been in 30 strips. And we just did a storyline about finding a new background.
*sigh* Look, the contest is about going on vacation, so let's go on vacation, all right?
You sold out, man. It's not about the music anymore.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
So where are we gonna go?
Well, we could visit our old college haunts...Bristol, Warwick, Newport...
Rhode Island? You wanna go to Rhode Island?
Hey, I know you hate it, but I grew up there. It still has great sentimental value for me.
You once told me you wanted to light the entire state on fire and piss on its ashes.
Plus, I've got a ton of bodies in the trunk I need to get rid of...

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
Forget it. I'm not spending any more time than possible in Rhode Island. I've done my time.
Well, aren't we pissy. Fine. Where do you want to go? The beautiful and charming Cape Cod, no doubt?
Fuck that. I already live on the Cape year round. We need someplace totally different. Someplace we've never been.
Someplace where you can buy a man's life for pennies.
Yeah, but Tijuana sucks this time of year.
Oh, excuse me, I didn't realize you were THE KING OF EVERYTHING.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
Canada?
Too cold.
Arizona?
Too hot.
Chicago?
Too many APBs.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
Wait, I know! Let's go to Vegas! I've never been to Vegas!
Hold it. Are you suggesting that just so we can do a bunch of Hunter Thomson rip-off strips filled with cheap, hackneyed drug humor?
...Yes.
Fine. But I get to be Doctor Gonzo.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
On second thought, let's take a random vacation. We'll go to the airport and find the cheapest fare and go there.
Airport?
Yeah. We'll just hop on a plane and go wherever it takes us.
Plane? Airport?
What's the matter, don't you like to fly?
FLY? Airport? Plane? FLY? Fly in AIR? Ground far far below? FLY? IN PLANE? FROM AIRPORT? DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
You mean to say you're afraid to get on an airplane? Why don't you just put on a dress and dance?
Hey, fuck you. I was scared of those things before people flew them into buildings. There's no way I'm getting on one now.
Oh, all right. Here have a ham sandwich.
HELL no! You think I don't recognize the B.A. Baracus Gambit? No planes, I tell you!
If you're not going to eat the sandwich, I gotta go to Plan B.
Mmmm. Drug-laced ham.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
Ooogh...where...
Hey. We're almost ready to land.
Oh. Okay. Well...uh...
What?
Is it me or is the top ripping off this thing?
Sssh. We're pretending it's just a regular airplane bg.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
There. See? No problems at all. We took off and landed safely.
Hmmph. Where are we anyway?
Uh...I'm not sure yet. When the lady asked where I wanted to go, I just said "surprise me."
Wait...how'd you get through airport security with an unconscious man over your shoulder?
I checked you in as carry-on.
And I fit in the overhead compartment? Wow, "The Zone" DOES work!

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
'scuse me, official looking airport person, can you tell us where we are?
But of course, my friend. You are in the tiny Republic of Ackthpftistan.
Ackthpftistan.
Indeed. No doubt you were lured here by our splendid scenery, our local color, our rich traditions!
Actually, I'm here because the guy in the hockey mask drugged me.
It matters not! All roads lead to Ackthpftistan!

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
So what is there to do in Ackthpftistan?
Many things, my friend, many things! After a day in Ackthpftistan, you will never want to return to your United States!
We'll see about that. Hey, have you seen my friend?
I believe he was looking for the taxi stand, sir.
HELLO...TAXI...DRIVER. WE...NEED...RIDE.
First of all, I speak perfect English. Second of all, you're reading "Crisis on Infinte Earths."

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
So do you know where you want to go, mac? I don't have all day.
Yes. We'd like to go to Gross Dozen Square. Is that far from here?
What?
You make me physically sick.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
So here we are in Ackthpftistan!
Yep.
You can just taste the mystery of the place, can't you?
Is that what it is? I thought it was bile.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
Well, we've been to the souvenir store and we looked at the really big rock. I think we've exhausted all of Ackthpftistan's possibilities.
It says here that Ackthpftistan has a rich, exciting nightlife!
Does it now. And what does that entail?
Whores. Lots of whores.
Whores.
And vampires.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
I wanna go back to the hotel. They have peanuts.
Sssh. Now, let us watch as the brutal drama of nature enacts itself anew, and the Ackthpftian vampire attacks its natural enemy, the street whore.
I vant to suck your blooooood!
Okay, but it gonna cost you extra. TEN dolla.
Do we have any more of those drugged ham sandwiches?
HEY BIG GUY! GO FOR THE CARTOID, DON'T JUST BOGART THE JUGULAR! THAT'S A MISTAKE A LOT OF NEWBIES MAKE!

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
I admit it. Going on vacation was a really stupid idea.
I guess so. At least our girlfriends will be there when we get back.
...oh, shit.
You...DID tell her you were going on vacation, right?
Where's the phone? WHERE'S THE FUCKING PHONE?
Jeez, man, at least I left a note scrawled in blood on my apartment wall. She knows to check there for messages.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
Okay. Here I am not panicking as we fly home from Ackthpftistan. So calm am I.
This is interesing. Did you know what happens to somebody when they fall out of an airplane? Says here their bones liquify on impact.
I am so very relaxed. Not even Matt's wacky antics can shake me. I shall survive this flight and emerge a stronger person.
They've got pictures. Look, this guy's teeth are coming out of the top of his head!
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Our in-flight movie today is "The Master of Disguise."
Take me, Death.

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
Well, back to the old grind.
Yep. I'm relaxed, except for all the agony.
I remind you that it was your idea.
True. I blame myself. We'll do it right next time. Let's plan right now. Where do you want to go?
Someplace with easy access to baby seals and large mallets.
I thought I said no Canada!

 

by deucepm
9-30-02
We need to figure out our characters. Every strip has a dichotomy between the two main characters.
Example.
Take Penny Arcade. Tycho's the sarcastic, acerbic one and Gabe's the violent, insane one. Or Superosity. Chris makes with the non sequiturs and Bobby commits acts of mayhem.
Hmmmm. So who's who?
You're the one wearing the hockey mask, pal.
I'LL KILL YOU! HOW DARE YOU--uh, I mean...something witty and biting. Shit.

 

by deucepm
10-01-02
I put it to you that of the two of us, you are more violent and insane by a country mile.
I see the syphillis has finally reached your brain stem.
Oh, really? I can prove my point with three simple words.
And those are?
Willow is gay.
LIES! SHE'S BI, I TELL YOU! SON OF A BITCH! I'LL DRINK MARTI NOXON'S BLOOD! I'LL DANCE IN WHEDON'S ENTRAILS! I-- *sigh* ...it's a fair cop.

 

by deucepm
10-01-02
The year 2035.
*ring ring*
Hello?
this is your LAST CHANCE!!! v-girl, i will UTTERLY destroy yor yaHoo acount unless u stopp me!
*sigh* subby, I got rid of that account in 2004 and bought my own. And anyway, I've got it encoded onto my brain's hard drive, so I don't think you could get at it anymore.
i can DO IT !! i STUDIED IT! yuo better back up yor yahoo account because IT IS GOING BY-BY!
Uh huh. Look, I've got to go. I've got this thing called a "life."

 

by deucepm
10-02-02
Hey, garcon, c'mere for a second.
Yes, sir? Something wrong with your sandwich?
Oh, no. Except that you dumped, like, an entire jar of pickles in with it! I'd have ordered cucumbers soaked in brine if that's what I wanted! Now my fries are soaked with this shit!
You don't like pickles? What kind of godless scumfuck are you? I love pickles. Everybody love pickles! If you don't love pickles, you're with the terrorists!
Did I make a mistake? Should I be checking the sandwich to make sure it's not Pickle Parmesan? Is this place called Pickle Junction, or is that where you go to get dates?
My entire house is green and lumpy. My license plate is PICK-L. Goddamn it, if dressing in clothing made of pickles and calling myself "Percy Pickle" is wrong, I don't wanna be right!

 

by deucepm
10-02-02
Even the name is fun to say. Pickles, pickles, pickles! They're like little vinegary rays of sunshine. What's your problem?
My problem is, they're foul, nasty little slices of pure evil. I hate the way they taste, I hate the way they smell, and I hate the way they feel when I bite into them. Pickles ain't shit.
The pickles are telling me to hurt you.
Bring it on, dillhole.

 

by deucepm
10-02-02
Look, it's not like I'm singling you out. I put pickles in with everybody's lunch.
Yeah, I know. And I ask you not to every single time. "No pickles." "Hold the pickles." "I am allergic to pickles and will die if I even smell one." And you constantly ignore me!
Yeah, but--
"I was molested with a pickle as a young age." "My family was slain by a traveling pickle salesman." "The sight of a pickle releases my other personality, Murderin' Bobby."
You know, I think you don't deserve pickles.
Really? Oh, please don't throw me in dat briar patch, Br'er Fox!

 

by deucepm
10-02-02
Fine, you big bitch. No more pickles for you. Ever.
Good. Thank you.
I don't think you grasp the magnitude of what I'm telling you. No more pickles ever. EVER.
Right. Got it. I appreciate it.
UNTIL THE END OF TIME!
Groovy.

 

by deucepm
10-02-02
In the year 2058...
I heard you were dying.
Yeah, all that radiation I sucked up from my monitor finally reached my brain.
You know, I hate to see a man die without tasting life's great pleasures. Here. Have a pickle.
No. Seriously, no.
EAT IT! EAT IT, YOU SICK TWISTED FUCK!
Nurse! NURSE! HELP!

 

by deucepm
10-02-02
What happened?
There was some kind of mishap with an oxygen tank. Your hospital room exploded.
Suck. Uh...there isn't going to be some kind of ironic ending in which I am denied paradise because I didn't like pickles, is there?
Nah, pickles suck. Come on in!
I'm in Hell? Are...are there pickles here?
OHHHH, YEAH. TOBOR HAVE PICKLE RIGHT HERE.

 

by deucepm
10-02-02
You did that whole series because the guy at the restaurant put too many pickles in with your sandwich?
Yeah.
You are a sad, pathetic little man.
IT WAS A LOT OF PICKLES, OKAY?! And cole slaw was involved!

 

by deucepm
10-02-02
Say there, pilgrim, could you lend a fella a hand?
I am a tree, and not capable of cognizant thought.
But you're talking.
Shit. You're right. Hey, I must be evolving! I'm the world's first sentient tree!
Uh huh. Look, I need to drop some kids off by the pool, if ya know what I mean, so...
Cogito, ergo sum! I just made that up! Right off the top of my head! I don't know what it means, but it sounds all deep and shit!

 

by deucepm
10-03-02
How dare you sue me for the profits to characters you created, you limey prick! You're just jealous of me!
Jealous of you? Todd, I'm a New York Times bestselling author who's writing a sceenplay for Robert Zemeckis and preparing to direct two films...
whereas you haven't drawn a comic in years, your McGwire baseballs are worthless, and not even Peter David can bother to hate you anymore.
GUARDS! SEIZE HIM!
Also, ripping off old Penny Arcade lines will not win you any friends around here.

 

by deucepm
10-03-02
Good evening and welcome to Sucky Sucky Fi' Dolla, the show that takes it on the chin and then asks for a tissue.
In tonight's news, Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan today suggested that George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein fight a duel.
Ramadan suggested that such a move would save both the Iraqi and American people.
At this time, the White House has not commented. It is not known what repercussions will come from this statement.
Mister Vice President, Don King is on the phone for you.

 

by deucepm
10-03-02
Come on, Dick, let's make a deal. Let me promote Bush vs. Hussein and we'll make enough ducats to buy Australia!
Forget it, Don. The entire idea is reckless and insane. George is no fighter! He could be seriously hurt! Why, he could be...
...
So what kind of odds are we talkin'?

 

by deucepm
10-03-02
Okay, George, you remember the bad man in the desert who wants to take all our oil?
I surely do, Dick! That's the feller that made my daddy look like a fool! Hell, I'd like to get my hands on him!
Well, good news, George! Next week, we're going to Vegas, and you're going to settle your differences like men!
By sending other people's children to die for us, right?

 

by deucepm
10-03-02
Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute, Dick! What if Hussein knows that there kung fu an' like that? He'd take me out to the woodshed!
Nonsense, George. He's a pampered leader who's waited on hand and foot by a sycophantic group of followers.
Meanwhile, in Iraq...
Rahul, send in another wolverine for me to eviscerate with my bare hands. I have not tasted enough blood today.
I hear and obey, dread lord!

 

by deucepm
10-03-02
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Tonight, the Bellagio is proud to present Bush vs Hussein... BLOOD FOR OIL!
Woooo!
In this corner, all the way from Texas, he's quick and light but he ain't too bright, the man they call POTUS. GEORGE W. BUSH!
Woooo!
And in this corner, the man who puts the dick in dictator, so mean he shot a man just for snorin', SADDAM HUSSEIN!
After I murder you, I will violate your grandmother's corpse. And I will giggle while I do so.

 

by deucepm
10-03-02
Ohhhh, horseshit...this guy's gonna hogtie me with my own squiggly bits.
Come, American scum! Put on a good show before you die!
I-I ain't scared a' you, you yella-bellied--
AHHH! You have defeated me. I am fallen!
...you took a dive, didn't you?
Don King promoted this thing. You have to ask?

 

by deucepm
10-04-02
I thought you were taking the piss, but it's true! Nugent wants to go "camping" with Lance Bass.
As though I could make up something that disturbing.
Of course you realize that if Bass actually goes on this trip, he's going to end up the "Donnie" of NSync. He'll be all hard and stubbly and shit.
So we can expect to see him playing cops and angelic Down's syndrome kids in the future, then?
Oh, indubitably. One day we'll look back at "On the Line" and realize it was the beginning of a hard, hard man's career.
So do you think Ted will strip Lance down and read to him from "Ulysses?"

 

by deucepm
10-04-02
Have you performed your monthly breast cancer exam yet?
You know, I was gonna do it right after my pap smear. News flash--we're guys. Guys don't get breast cancer.
Yes, we do.
No, we don't! Guys get ass cancer. Girls get breast cancer. It's a scientific fact.
Great googaly moogaly. How do you even get dressed in the morning, you pile of hair?
I'm just saying, show me one woman who ever died of prostate cancer. Can't do it, can you?

 

by deucepm
10-04-02
Look, you brainless douchebag, men get breast cancer. There are thousands of documented cases!
Name one.
Richard Roundtree.
Rich-- Shaft? Shaft has breast cancer?
Had. He underwent a mastectomy and six months of chemotherapy. That's why you need to check.
But...but he's Shaft! I thought he'd get, like, gonorrhea from some sexy yet careless mama, not breast cancer!

 

by deucepm
10-04-02
So, if breast cancer is bad enough to take on Shaft, it'll have no problem throwing down on you. Now are you gonna do the exam or not?
All right, all right. Just a second.
It's like dealing with a huge, smelly two-year-old...
Oh God...lumps! There's lumps! I've got two lumps!
Okay, those are your nipples.
Oh, yeah. Hey, what are these things for again?

 

by deucepm
10-04-02
Everything copacetic?
I guess so. I didn't find any lumps, anyway. What are the other symptoms?
Let's see...Skin dimpling or puckering... Nipple retraction... Redness and scaliness of the breast area...
Nope, got none of that.
...and nipple discharge.
EW! EW! EW! NO!

 

by deucepm
10-04-02
Well, I guess we've all learned something here today.
Yep. Even guys have to perform the ol' monthly check for breast lumps.
Yep. Well, g'night, every--
It's a good idea to check your nuts, too. Do it right after you get out of the shower when they're warm and soft, like two lumps of cookie dough.
Wow. I almost knew what dignity felt like.
You're still gonna have to go to the doctor for the ass thing, though.

 

by deucepm
10-05-02
What She Says
...I've heard a lot about it, and you know what might maybe possibly be a good place to live? Canada. But not now! No, I mean years, years in the future!
What He Hears
We're moving to Canada tomorrow, so start drinking this maple syrup and prepare to die.
What He Sees In His Mind's Eye
Hi. Welcome to Canada. I'm going to pistol whip you and pee in your mouth now.

 

by deucepm
10-06-02
The Great Debate Continues...
The "switch enemies" plan will work, I tell you! It worked perfectly when the Rainbow Raider and Dr. Double X did it!
Please tell me you didn't just cite the fucking Rainbow Raider.
In Brave & The Bold #191, the Rainbow Raider--a Flash villain--took on Batman and defeated him. The same principle holds true for Tom Cat and Wile E. Coyote.
Oh, now I know you're making shit up. The Rainbow Raider was an interior designer with a bad outfit. There's no way he could take Batman!
This was pre-Crisis DC, before anything had to make sense. Stop distracting me. I'm crafting a scheme to defeat Tweety.
I don't get it. Did Batman have the flu that day? Or is he just easily distracted by bright colors?

Showing page 5.

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