All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
8-15-01
o/` The Sorceror's Apprentice
How am I going to clean this place up?
o/` Night on Bald Mountain
RAAAAARRRRR!
o/` Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah
Care to dance?
I'd love to.

 

by kaufman
8-15-01
ODed on Viagra? Swelling won't go down? Try new Supersoft! Its patented formula opens a temporal rift and exchanges your penis with an earlier, flaccid version.
I've had a priapism for years, and no treatment has helped. But I just took Supersoft! and I can feel the difference. Bye-bye boner!
Meanwhile, across the great temporal chasm ...
This is Walter Cronkite. President Nixon took office today, promising to ...
Far out! Mr. Groovy just grew half a foot!

 

by kaufman
8-16-01
One is an undercover policeman in Montego Bay.
Up against the car! You're going to the pokey, mon!
Two are Jamaica's answer to Siskel & Ebert.
I give The Gumby Movie a big thumbs down. I thought it was boring and juvenile.
So did I, but I found it to be an extraordinary performance by Pokey, mon.
And one works as a librarian in Kingston.
Where can I find "For Whom the Bell Tolls" and "The Telltale Heart"?
I can let you into the Hemingway room, but I lost the Poe key, mon.

 

by kaufman
8-16-01
We have defeated all the other Pokemon on earth. We are victorious.
Are you sure you took care of Pokemoon?
Special power: METEOR!
Bonzai!

 

by kaufman
8-17-01
You know, Zweebil, next time we do this, we should use weapons with ranges of more than a few millifurlongs.

 

by kaufman
8-17-01
Hey, I'll trade mine for yours.

 

by kaufman
8-17-01
Hey wirthling.
Hey Gabe!
How's it going?
Not bad. I've been decapitated and left as a floating ethereal head though.
That sucks. Well, see ya.
Bye.

 

by kaufman
8-17-01
It is certain.
My sources say no.
Yes- definitely.
Reply hazy, ask again.
Ask again later.
Outlook not so good.

 

by kaufman
8-17-01
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

 

by kaufman
8-18-01
____________ THE END _____________
Thank you for watching Tentacle Porn Anime Theater. Stay tuned for Frat Row Cinema after these messages from our sponsors.
This program was brought to you by Spatula City. Buy two Spatula Juniors, get any adult spatula free at our Back-to-School Sale.
The following program is sponsored by Eggbeater City. At Eggbeater City's Back-to-School Sale, buy six eggbeaters and we'll give you a free chicken!
Welcome to Frat Row Cinema. Tonight, Ron Palillo stars as a wild sophomore in The Horshack of Notre Dame.

 

by kaufman
8-20-01
That reminds me, I have to stop by Victoria's Secret for their back-to-school sale. My girlfriend wants me to pick up some of their "Catholic schoolgirl" flavored lingerie.
Catholic schoolgirl underthings, you say? Listen, forget those overpriced imitations. I know where you can get the genuine article for free, if you don't mind secondhand merchandise. Follow me.
Ain't she a beauty? She belongs to the Order of Santa Godiva, who along with practicing martial arts, say their prayers in the nude. Those undies are for the taking at 5:15 PM!
HI-YAAAAA!
These are great! I've rediscovered my spirituality. But do me a favor, sweetie -- next time we make love, let's do it without a condom.
She's happy, he's happy, and I'm happy. Another soul saved by Nunderwear. Eight if you count her unborn children...

 

by kaufman
8-21-01
We are here today with Dr. Chopin Liszt, Professor of Music at Cornell University, who has made a startling discovery about one of our cultural fads.
That's right, Pokemon, which were thought to have been invented in the 1990s in Japan, are actually much older.
We've unearthed this 1975 Paul McCartney recording...
o/` You should have seen me with the Pokemon, I had a honey and I bet a grand ...
So Paul McCartney owns all the rights to this billion dollar enterprise?
You may recall that Michael Jackson has since bought the ex-Beatle folios. So if what they say is true, kids who buy these toys are supporting their own namblings.

 

by kaufman
8-21-01
Is this the line for the learner's permit?
Yup, this line moves pretty slow.
I've been here since my sixteenth birthday.
Me too, and that was back in the 60s!
I can't wait till tomorrow; my grandkid will be joining me in line.
Woohoo! Old Man Thompson just kicked the bucket! Now I'm SECOND in line.

 

by kaufman
8-21-01
So I says, "One, two, step and kick, take your hat off and twirl!"
Ha, Ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
8-21-01
SORRY FOLKS, BUT I DON'T SUCK DICK.

 

by kaufman
8-22-01
In an alternate 1492 ...
Dios mio! I can see the edge! Signal the Nina and the Pinta to come about hard!
Aye-aye, Cap'n!

 

by kaufman
8-22-01
Oh no! Was the rest of me really that evil?

 

by kaufman
8-22-01
Cripes, another hideous townhouse community sprang up this week!

 

by kaufman
8-26-01
Evil_d's system clock is 20 minutes slow.
It is 9:57 PM
Will be your icon for food.
Technically, if DexX is working on your character image, and you just got in from a long weekend away, you are exempt from deadlines.
Rules are made to be broken.
Your mom's vow of celibacy? Ha ha ha ha ha!
And a thressome, no less!

 

by kaufman
8-26-01
Any sufficiently advanced hangout is indistinguishable from shit.
I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own 13, 608 eyes.
Men are from Mars, carnivorous plants are from Venus.
Genius is 5% inspiration and 95% exoskeleton.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow your great-grandchildren will already be dead.
Waiter, there's a me in your soup!

 

by kaufman
8-27-01
Congratulations. You had the high bid on 300 meters of speaker wire. Meet me Tuesday at 1:00 and we'll complete the deal. -- Mike1053
Cool.
You're Mike1053?
Indeed, I am. I've got the wire. Have you got the check?
Right here ...
Oh, and one more favor if you don't mind -- could you come a little closer? I'd really appreciate the positive feedback.

 

by kaufman
8-27-01
In 2009, the 29th Amendment brings an end to arbitrary sentencing. Convicted criminals' fates are determined by intelligent computers.
I firebombed six Federal buildings.
186 years, 218 days, 5 hours and 29 minutes. No chance of parole.
I was convicted of burglary and second-degree cruelty to animals.
13 months, 26 days, and 35.78 seconds, with a possibility of parole April 17th.
I tossed a banana cream pie at Bill Gates.
Death by stoning!

 

by kaufman
8-27-01
Investigators arrived quickly at the scene of the Flight 22 crash.
What a hideous crash! At least that new black box with its smart circuitry will explain what happened.
Aha, there it is, intact on the desert floor. Tell me, black box, why did your flight go down?
Are you kidding? Look at me. I weigh 12 tons, and am aerodynamically terrible. The plane couldn't get enough lift!

 

by kaufman
8-28-01
Hey Doc, how's it going?
Just wonderful. My latest invention is a success. I'll be rich! Famous! I've created a drug that will solve the image consciousness of pregnant women.
How does it work?
It renders their midsections completely invisible, increasing in effect as their pregnancy advances. Let me show you a test case.
Thank god you're here, Doc, I think my water just broke!

 

by kaufman
8-28-01
Hello, I am your new A-316 Voice-Activated Bionic Hand. To use me, just say "Right hand", followed by your instructions.
Great! Let's go for a walk and try you out.
Right hand, yank on that cute chick's hair.
Hey, I thought my new artificial hand was a lemon. Maybe my voice can work yours!
Speaking of which, want to trade garage door openers?

 

by kaufman
8-28-01
- _ | / ` \ '
Lines can be horizontal, vertical, diagonal, short or long.
They may be intersecting, or not intersecting.
"'""
They may be made of money or cocaine.
A railroad line runs from Chicago right to your mother's place. I have a commuter pass.
= # /
LINE!
LINE!

 

by kaufman
8-29-01
Oh, another quiz show. Those contestants are always so stupid, I know I could do so much better than them ...
Which empire at its peak covered the largest amount of earth's surface?
Ooh, that's easy: THE TOILET SEAT EMPIRE! THE TOILET SEAT EMPIRE!!!!!
The toilet seat empire? What an utterly asinine answer.
You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

 

by kaufman
8-29-01
Oh no, am I dead? How did I get here?
Let me see. Last thing I remember I was on a plane.
Why all that fuss about me opening the window? I just wanted a little air.
And where was I flying from so panicked?
Hold on a minute... if it's called the White House, shouldn't I be painting it WHITE?

 

by kaufman
8-29-01
Okay, the costume's a bit strange, but I'm so excited.
My first meeting. I really am becomin' a man!
Hey Billy-Bob, you've got your hood on backwards!

 

by kaufman
8-30-01
So I said, "Well, those outboard motor turbines aren't going to generate gravitons by themselves!"
Nice one, Flip. So what happened then?
The guy just threw me -- *BURP* -- about a dozen fish.

 

by kaufman
9-03-01
New legislation a month into the Seuss administration aims at cutting down on unemployment claims.
I can't help you, I am sorry, unless you give me a rhyming story.
Those liars say my productivity slips, if I'm online all day drawing comic strips.
The nudes I sent my boss were getting hotter and hotter, but the last batch, I fear, featured his high school daughter.
As Justice of the Peace I felt duty-bound, to pronounce one couple "man and hound."
Flight attendant wasn't a good choice, I'm now understanding, not if you shriek every takeoff and landing.
My bartending career seems out of reach, though I now know White Russians aren't made with bleach.

 

by kaufman
9-04-01
I think I've finally figured out why it's called Wash & Wash Millenium Wash.
BECAUSE THEY PAY YOU ONCE EVERY THOUSAND YEARS!!!!

 

by kaufman
9-04-01
Folks, it's easy. The cross spreads the weight over a larger surface area. Anyone can walk on water using the right equipment.
Interesting talk you're giving.
Whoa, now that's impressive.

 

by kaufman
9-05-01
Honey, I'm home. Any calls?
Just some telemarketers. At least they're easy to hang up on ... "Hello, can I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Christ?"
Notice anything different about me, Jim?
You washed off your makeup, Tammy Faye.
See you later; good luck at the audition!
I'm all set. Look, my Travolta impression's flawless.

 

by kaufman
9-05-01

 

by kaufman
9-06-01
Oh my god!
Help! Call the fire department!
Just imagine that's a hose he's holding ...
There you go. All out finally.
Thanks a lot. See you later.
But seconds after the fireman departs ...
Aaaaaarrrrggghhhhh!

 

by kaufman
9-06-01
And now for something completely different: A rocket with a tape recorder in its nose cone.
o/` Don't break my heart, My achy breaky heart ...

 

by kaufman
9-06-01
T minus 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... BLASTOFF!
Damn...This happens to all guys at one time or another...Doesn't it?

 

by kaufman
9-06-01
It all began when Johann Sebastian Bach was called upon to compose a fugue.
Egad! Unlike Gautama Unless Finally the question is unasked, am I.
MUsic to my ears unless you can break my unbreakable record player.
This sentence is false.
False to say we are that far from achieving true artificial intelligence. How did we ever get this far?
It all began when Johann Sebastian Bach was called upon to compose a fugue.

 

by kaufman
9-06-01
YOU'VE GOT CLOTHES ON! GET OUT OF THE GARDEN! NOW!!!!
Snakes. Why'd it always have to be snakes?
YOU HAVE IN YOUR VANITY BUILT HIGH TOWERS. I SHALL MAKE YOU SPEAK IN DIFFERENT TONGUES!
Caiga sus bragas, Don Guillermo
Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist von den Aalen voll.
WAIT! HERE'S A RAM FOR YOU TO SACRIFICE INSTEAD OF YOUR SON.
Bleat.

 

by kaufman
9-07-01
Hey, how about some of this green eggs and ham?
No way, I don't like it, Sam-I-Am.
I will not eat it on a wall, I would not with dog-on-a-ball.
Hey, what do you think of that meal you had?
This green eggs and ham stuff ain't half bad!

 

by kaufman
9-07-01
airplane, ball, chair, dog, elephant, flight, green, helpless, ivory,
Jesus, kangaroo, lieutenant, machine gun, nails, ordnance, posthumous, quagmire,
road, sidewalk, trees, undershirt, vice president (peeking through the window), Washington, Xero, yellow, Zoe

 

by kaufman
9-07-01
Shall we go out and destroy Pepperland?
NO, your blueness!
Can you help? The Blue Meanies are coming!
Of course we can. We're Beatles.
We'll just sail off in that sub of yours back to Pepperland, and save the day.
Meanwhile, we've got a whole bunch of groovy animation and songs to play, so you viewers just sit back, get wasted, and enjoy the show.

 

by kaufman
9-07-01
Honey, could I wear your sweater?
You've been wearing it already, haven't you? I thought it felt stretched!
Bevare of the big green dragon who sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys. Puppy dog tails. Beeg fat snails.
Bevare!
Take care, bevare!
I don't really understand why it turns you on so. But if it will save our marriage, of course you can wear it.
Thanks, honey.

 

by kaufman
9-07-01
Ah, nothing like a good morning walk ...
?!?
Needless to say, the warranty expired last Tuesday.

 

by kaufman
9-08-01

 

by kaufman
9-08-01
Well, here we come to the stripcreator planet. It should be fun even if this just brings about a stack of juvenile 'pussy' jokes.
I'm looking forward to it -- the intellectual discussions with Dr. P, playing soccer with the wirth-head, and best of all ...
Teasing Tobor about the fact that I'm redder than he is!
AAAARRRGGGHH!

 

by kaufman
9-09-01
Having higher intelligence than our human friends, we dolphins knew Obi was gone. So I immediately got my cetacean buddy, MobyJo to fill in.
After that, I spent a few days in his role. but no one seemed to like OBiEssOEll EeteeYeeJo.
I came from Mongolia to help out. Remember GobiJo?
Then y'all came to your senses ('cept for the damnyankees), and enjoyed a fortnight or so of Ol' Lee Jo.
TOBIJO CORNHOLED IN OBI'S PLACE THROUGH ALL OF AUGUST. NOBODY NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE!
And then that triumphant day when I found the real Obi. He was ... with your mother!

 

by kaufman
9-10-01
Don't even think of it, Dr. Schroedinger!

 

by kaufman
9-10-01
You are all invited to an S&M party. Feel free to bring toys, whips, cats, paddles ...

Showing page 5.

« Previous Next »