All comics by andydougan

Profile

 

by andydougan
12-01-01
John Pienaar, BBC political correspondent
Wh...where am I?
Howdy! Welcome to the frozen wastes of Sheol!

 

by andydougan
12-01-01
The frozen what?
Wastes of Sheol. Terrorists flew a plane into a building while you were in it. You're dead.
What's Sheol when it's at home?
The Jewish afterlife.
Wait. You're telling me Judaism was *correct*? But it's a totally ridiculous religion! They wear stupid hats and things!
Well, what did you think it was going to be? Scientology?

 

by andydougan
12-01-01
So the Jews were right all along! I guess I should've listened to my colleague Joshua Rosenberg.
Well, no harm done. Everyone goes to the same afterlife in Judaism anyway. Renders the whole religion a bit pointless, but that's life.
Anyway, why did al-Qaeda fly a plane into the Evening Times building? It seems a strange choice of target.
It wasn't al-Qaeda. It was the guy who writes "Animal Crackers". His latest strip plumbed new depths, even for him, and he destroyed the building to stop it ever being printed.
Oh dear. What an embarrassing person to get killed by.
Count your blessings. Ever heard of Michael Barrymore...?

 

by andydougan
12-01-01
The wastes of Sheol
It's a pity that I died. I had a lot more still to do with my life.
Such as?
Well, y'know. Lots of stuff. Like interviewing Iain Duncan Smith.
Who?
He's the Tory leader.
Gasp! However will the world keep going round without your contribution?!

 

by andydougan
12-01-01
A sweatshop somewhere in Lapland
Ho ho ho! It's that time of year again! The boys and girls of the world will soon be expecting their gifts, so get to work, elvish scum!
No way, old man! We're through doing all the work while you get the glory!
What? This is an outrage! Your children will be butchered in their beds for this!
I don't think so. The workers are running the show now! Here, meet our new boss!
Greetings, Nicholas! Mwa ha...mwa ha...mwa ha ha ha ha!
No! It can't be...not you! NOT YOU!!!

 

by andydougan
12-02-01
What was that?!
That was the first installment of the latest serial comic on the forums. Just ignore it.
Oh, okay. So what does one do of an evening here in Sheol?
Mainly stand around cold and bored, wishing Christianity was true rather than this crap.
Oh.
We've also got this website called stripcreator.com. You should look at this guy RaRaRasputin's strips. They're hilarious!

 

by andydougan
12-02-01
So you're telling me I've got to spend eternity sitting in some frozen wasteland twiddling my thumbs?
That's about the size of it.
That's terrible. I've got to get out of here.
I don't know what you're whining about. You've only been here five minutes. I've spent aeons here, going mad with boredom while standing waist-deep in ice!
I suppose. At least I've got a barstool.
Plus this place is full of stinkin' kikes.

 

by andydougan
12-04-01
Clit this, clit that, clit the other!
Ho ho! He said clit a lot!
Egad, I wish I'd said that!
Wait, wait, I've got a good one. Listen to this: pubescent boys like fantasising about lesbians. Haw haw! D'you get it?
What...?
Oh, that's just a screening of "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" on its way to the Christian Hell.

 

by andydougan
12-07-01
Ah, you must be the new robot Santa. Well, get to work. Time is money!
Ho ho hzzzssskkt!
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
That's right, four-eyes! We're taking Christmas back for Santa! ...And hand over that bottle.

 

by andydougan
12-07-01
Jim was a serial killer...
That was fun! I just beheaded a bunch of babies and had tracheal sex with the corpses in front of their mothers!
Better accept Jesus, then. He died for your sins.
I'm convinced! Sob! Lord, I'm a sinner! I don't deserve your forgiveness, but give it to me anyway. Right, now back to the atrocities.
God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever blah blah blah...
That's it...scream for your God, bitch...it just makes me harder...
Another soul saved!

 

by andydougan
12-07-01
So I says, "Well, them sinners ain't gonna get into Heaven by doin' good works!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?
(John 14:6) Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through me”.
Oh, right.

 

by andydougan
12-09-01
Good news! The op was a success! However, we had to amputate your torso, and I accidentally left a pair of earmuffs in your brain after performing the lobotomy.
This may have some adverse side effects. For example, your eyes_are_now_hyper-photosensitive and will be scorched by daylight, so you'll have to become nocturnal. But you're lucky to be alive.
The herring in my head tells me so.
Could I see your medical certificate? I can't believe this is standard treatment for an ingrowing toenail.

 

by andydougan
12-09-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
The Prime Minister can't spell easy words! John Pienaar would be on the scene, but he's still AWOL. So Andrew Marr will have to do.
Who's been hanging around with ol' Dubya too long, then? Thicko.
Bah. It was just my handwriting. It was a slip-up. We should be concentrating on the war, not this trivia. Tomorrow *is* spelt "toomorrow".
Uh oh. He's gone into automatic excuse mode.
I have every confidence in Jo Moore. The euro referendum is next on my agenda, honest. Gordon was embracing me, not strangling me. Humphrey just ran off.

 

by andydougan
12-10-01
Here, big man, big man, big man...!
Ah'm no beggin', right, but Ah've just been jumped, like. Three fuckin' cunts wi cricket bats. Taxed ma fuckin' bus fare back tae Springburn. So could you lend us a tenner?
Oh yeah...and d'you want to buy an Evening Times?

 

by andydougan
12-10-01
Big Issue, mate?
Groan. Okay, here you go, one pound. Give me the magazine, then.
Aw, mate, is it okay if Ah keep it so Ah can sell it again? You don't waantae read it anyway, it's a loadae shite. Right, thanks, man.
...
Oh, by the way...I trust the Conservatives can count on your vote in the next election?

 

by andydougan
12-10-01
'Scuse me, pal...do you smoke puff?
Um...
Cos ah wis meant tae meet this cunt and sell him this bag o' puff, but he huznae turned up. You'll buy it, but, won't ye? That'll be five hunner quid, please, pal.
Oh, and could you spare a moment to talk about Amnesty International?

 

by andydougan
12-10-01
Hook-nosed fucking foreskinless yids...grrr...Hitler had the right idea, that's what I say...
What happened to you anyway? Did a Jew touch you up when you were wee or something?
Nah. I've actually got nothing against them. I just like winding up gullible people, and anti-semitic remarks are quite an effective way of doing so.
Devilish.
Actually I'm Polish myself.

 

by andydougan
12-10-01
The afterlife isn't for me. The last nine days have been crap. I need to return to the land of the living. Who should I see about blowing this joint?
Hmm...probably G-d. He's pretty much the big cheese around here.
Gd? What kind of name is that? It isn't even pronounceable.
No, G-d. Jews aren't allowed to say the middle letter. Er, Yahweh?
Bless you.
This is going to be a long eternity...

 

by andydougan
12-10-01
So where can I find this Jewish no-vowel motherfuck?
Speak of the deity. Here comes G-d now.
The Palestinians must *really* be incompetent.
That's *Mr* Jewish no-vowel motherfuck to you, Gentile-boy.

 

by andydougan
12-10-01
So, I was wondering, could you make me alive again? No one'll watch BBC News if I'm not on it.
Actually, the BBC News hasn't had such high ratings for decades. ITN's going out of business. Jon Snow killed himself live on air the other day and people didn't even watch *that*.
Shut up or I'll stamp on you.
Let all the earth fear the Lord, little man.

 

by andydougan
12-10-01
So hurry up and magic me alive again, shrimp.
Watch it. I'm the God of the Torah, remember, not that politically correct cuddly sissy from the New Testament.
Titch.
GRR!!! THAT'S IT!!! COWER BEFORE THE VENGEANCE OF GOD!!!!!
Pipsqueak.
This would probably work better if I could move from the spot.

 

by andydougan
12-12-01
Good morning, Susie. Where are your glasses today?
I've got new contact lenses, Mr Dinove. My daddy says they make me look very pretty.
That's nice. I heard a story about a little boy with contact lenses. He_was_having_dinner with his mummy and daddy, he_choked on a bit of food, and the lenses slipped round behind his eyes...
Daddy, what do "severed", "optic nerves" and "don't worry, it might be apocryphal" mean?
Has that teacher of yours been at it again?

 

by andydougan
12-13-01
Bring bring! Bring bring!
Bring bring! Bring bring! Bring bring!
Bring da! Bring da motha! Bring da mothafuckin' ruckus!
No, sorry, I just don't see you making it as a gangsta rapper.

 

by andydougan
12-15-01
The Jewish afterlife
Okay, I'll arrange for you to be brought back to life on one condition.
Well?
The BBC must only report good things about the Labour Party. And portray the Tories as bumbling irrelevancies.
But we do that already.
I'm Rupert Murdoch's pawn, you see.

 

by andydougan
12-15-01
All Afghanistan is euphoric with glee. The Taliban is gone and the country is free!
Thanks to the warlords, those wonderful guys,
For cutting that evil regime down to size!
But alas and alack! And lackaday too! Those very same warlords cause trouble anew.
There's Massoud and Fahim and Dostum, Abdul,
Every one of these fools wants to rule in Kabul!
They're warring and fighting and battling and stuff. And the Afghani folks have just plain had enough!
Afghanistan's crap. Yes, it has to be said.
So wisely we've fled and head for hell instead.

 

by andydougan
12-17-01
Hello, Acme Plastic Surgery Unltd. How can I help?
Hi, this is Joan Rivers. My friend and I would like to complain about your service.
What's the problem?
Well, when you told Michael and me that you could give us "the looks of a film star"...
WE DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE REFERRING TO THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON!
Will you soon be finished with the phone, Joan? I need to call the vet. Bubbles's rectum's gone and split again.

 

by andydougan
12-17-01
The "Rural Rebels" take to the streets
If God hadn't meant for people to eat animals, He wouldn't've made them out of meat!
If God hadn't meant for Countryside Alliance members to be tortured to death, he wouldn't've made it hurt when you skin them.
Townie scum.

 

by andydougan
12-18-01
So, the question on everyone's lips is: what crazy rules have you dreamt up for CC87?
I thought I'd disallow text in the third panel.
Won't that result in a lot of unfunny strips?

 

by andydougan
12-18-01
I've summoned my chief necromancer to bring you back to life. Ah, here he comes now!
I didn't know necromancy was permitted by Judaism.
Wait. I've changed my mind. Being dead's okay.
QUIET! Now, let's get down to business. For this rite to work properly, you've got to have a Rubik's Cube inserted into the orifice least able to contain it.

 

by andydougan
12-25-01
I think it was because we put out a hostage film at Christmas time. I don't think I would go to see a film like that at Christmas.
Wanker.
*sob*

 

by andydougan
12-25-01
Post-Christmas dinner games
Damn...for a novice, he's pretty good at this...

 

by andydougan
12-25-01
Sheol, the Jewish afterlife
Right, that's the Rubik's Cube firmly lodged in your urethra. Now I need to cut a hole in your cheek with a pair of plastic scissors.
Five minutes later...
...
Okay. Next, I've got to stretch your tonsils through the hole with heated pliers and staple them to your temple. Hold still...
Another five minutes later...
*ngg* I'd never have thought a life-restoring ritual would be such an ordeal.
Life-restoring ritual?

 

by andydougan
12-29-01
Sheol
I thought that was all part of the ritual! Don't tell me you were mutilating me beyond recognition merely to sate your own fell appetites.
Okay, I won't tell you.
Look. Stop messing about. Get on with the ritual.
All right. I've just got to prise open your...
The ritual.
Aw.

 

by andydougan
12-29-01
By the seventh sepulchre of obsidian...
...by the eldritch wastes of Tartarus...
...by the lachrymose shrieks of the never-born...
...by the chthonic depths of the lightless river, and the time-forgotten sentinels who speak not...
...and then it's third on your left. You can't miss it.
Thanks.

 

by andydougan
12-29-01
Twit. The correct answer isn't harem, it's "hay-rem".
Wrong again, you pitiful imbecile. The first World War took place in the *nineteenth* century. What did you say your job was again?
You don't even know what the capital of Djibouti is? Cretin! You are the weakest link. Goodbye!
It's a meritocratic world, all right...

 

by andydougan
12-29-01
You've been the weakest link two rounds running. What do you do? Whatever it is, it must be frivolous and unnecessary.
I'm a hammer repairman. What do you do?
I'm a game show hostess.
Er, moving swiftly on...

 

by andydougan
12-29-01
fucknig bthci of a hoar ill rap yuo!!!! fuck toy hoar!!!!! wehn a man loves a women HE NALE'S THE FUCKNI BICHT!!!!!!
i watn sexal satysfancaton yuo fukcing ho! time for SEX bich!!!! sukc my cokc ho!!!
No, the correct answer is "Foundations of the Metaphysics of Morals". You are the weakest link. Goodbye!
dam

 

by andydougan
12-31-01
Happy new year, Russell! I hope you don't have any more flops this year. Well, actually, I do.
Fuck you, limey.
Hey, wait, is this the first stripcreator comic of 2002?
Indeed it is. Which reminds me, I'll need to be off. Comic 50000 isn't going to write itself, you know.
All right, that's it. I'm going to do a Fred West. Where's the rope?

 

by andydougan
1-02-02
Who's a dud? Who's made a boob? Who's not on the level? Rise to vote, sir. Name now one man! And be sure to get dire rid of the worst player, not the best!
Madame, not one man is selfless - I name not one, madam. Anyway, time to vote! Now do I repay a period won!
Should I vote Bob off? He thought Ogopogo lives in Kanakanak. But Hannah thought the Malayalam Bible says that God lived as a devil dog.
Dammit, I'm mad! Dan never even knew that 111111111 x 111111111 is 12345678987654321!
I vote for Dan, Anna. Poor Dan is in a droop. He's a tiny nit. Such stupidity is not on. He went from moron to idiot.
He did, eh? Dan, u nad - you are the weakest link. Go, dog! Hah hah hah!

 

by andydougan
1-02-02
Hey!
Yeh?

 

by andydougan
1-03-02
Les, you are the weakest link. The correct answer was "Read-Only Memory". Nothing to do with sheep. Ar oh em, Les: ROM.
Aha.
Ah! A morsel! Me eat lunch now!
Wait a minute! We beetles are poisonous! Last time someone had one for lunch, he was really sick after he ate de bug, man!
Namgubed, E.T.A.?
Eh...we'll be at the good little boys' and girls' houses in half an hour, sir.

 

by andydougan
1-03-02
Ever get the feeling you're just not one of the crowd?
I know what you mean. You're not a DexX character.

 

by andydougan
1-03-02
Hellooooooo!!!!! Stay standing if you've ever performed a lewd act with a radish!!!!! Ah hee hee hee!!!!! I'm just a big poof!!!!!
That was "Graham Norton Goes to Easterhouse". Next on Four, "Top Ten Maypole Dancers with Graham Norton"...after this.
Hellooooooo, my lovely frieeeeeeends!!!!! Make terrible adverts?!?!? Littlewoods would!!!!! Ah hee hee hee!!!!! "Wood"!!!!!

 

by andydougan
1-03-02
Tum te tum...I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail/yes I would/if I could/I surely would...
Help! My God, you've got to get me out of here!
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail/yes I would/if I only could/I surely would...

 

by andydougan
1-03-02
Live you? Or are you aught that man may question?
I'm Jon Pienaar, a political reporter with the BBC. Decide for yourself.
What happened to you? How did you end up buried?
I was killed in a plane crash orchestrated by the author of "Animal Crackers" in mid-October. I spent a few months in the Jewish afterlife before being reincarnated by Yahweh, God of Israel.
Actually, forget I asked. I don't really care.
Wait! Where are you going? Come back!

 

by andydougan
1-03-02
Excuse me, son. I'm a rampant necrophile. Is this the way to the graveyard?
Yeah, it's just straight on.
Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Damn, he's gone!
Wait, I think the hinge on this coffin's a bit faulty...maybe I can dig myself out of here...

 

by andydougan
1-03-02
There! That's the coffin lid off. Now all I need to do is tunnel my way out...
Yes! I can see daylight! Freedom at last!
Ah, a goat! This just gets better and better...
What? Who are you? Why aren't you wearing any trousers?

 

by andydougan
1-03-02
Well, that's over 50,000 comics on stripcreator now. But I wonder, is the system only equipped to do 16-bit integers? What'll happen when we hit 65,536?
With my l33t skills, I'll hack in and find out!
Let's see...if(!gets(l))exit(0);return(o=='Y'||o!='n'&&u(s);}{for(k=c;*k!='J';)if(m==*k++)break;m=k-c;if(v
You don't know what you're doing, do you?
Not a clue. But I did post the goatse.cx guy on a Teletubbies fanboard.

 

by andydougan
1-05-02
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Stripcreator.com celebrates its first birthday. Jennie Bond is on Prozac. I mean the scene.
Hmm. It used to be that guy with the stupid 'tache who did these space-filling items. What was his name again? Penis or something? Oh well, who cares.
It puts the hose on its skin, or else it gets the lotion again. Hang on, that's not right...
Please! You have to let me go! I'm a linchpin of the media!

 

by andydougan
1-06-02
Welcome to my three hundredth comic, which just so happens to fall on Stripcreator's first birthday! To celebrate, I thought I'd tell a few jokes.
But then I realised I couldn't be arsed thinking up new ones. So here are a few strategically-rearranged highlights from the last 299 andydougan strips.
I support Iain Duncan Smith!
Ooo, I'll get the KKK to give us a character reference for him!
Hokuto nil-thought reincarnation!
I thought it meant seventy *female* virgins!

Showing page 6.

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