All comics by Moturd

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by Moturd
6-22-19
Warren and Sanders fly to Miami to join the other political elites,
I need a VP who is as bat shit fucking nuts as I am...
Oh dear God, where is that old person smell coming from?
Seated on the extreme far left...
...and an avowed communist, because even I know I won't make it another 4 years.
Is that Sanders in front of me? Ugh. Play the game, Lizzie. Play the game.
With Pocahontas taking a back seat to Crazy Bernie.
The prices these stewardesses charge for pretzels! When I'm elected, I vow to break up their in-flight hegemony.
I'll just stare at this folder of important looking papers while I listen to my Harry Potter audio book.

 

by Moturd
6-29-19
Angela, you are trembling all over. Would you like a glass of water?
Nein. The sheep would see the water shake and gossip about mein health.
Is this shaking a symptom of the dementia that we have all suspected for years?
Nein. Nein. It has nicht to do with mein health.
What then?
I suddenly realized how dangerous my policies are.

 

by Moturd
7-02-19
Alexandria Ocrazio-Cortex visits el Dia Spa del Illegal Foreigner...
They made me drink feces and urine and said I was stupid.
All I said to her was...
"You must drink from the toilet...
...because you're full of shit, lady."

 

by Moturd
7-08-19
In this age of participation medals, we'd like to congratulate Jay-Z for being the first billionaire rapper.
And congrats to Jeffry Epstein for being the first democrat billionaire child molester.
Ladies and Gents, I just received an urgent update from our fact checkers. some part of that last statement was untrue.

 

by Moturd
7-09-19
You know how the Liberaltopia of California got the shit shook out of it on July 4...
and they say earthquakes are an act of God?
I know what you're thinking.
You don't suppose...
Just a coincidence. Fuhgedaboutit!

 

by Moturd
7-13-19
Knock, knock
Who is it?
Justice
Justice who?
I said Just ICE
No hablo ingles!

 

by Moturd
7-23-19
Vote for me and I'll give you $20/hr minimum wage
Cool. Except I don't want to work.
No problemo. Vote for me and I'll give you universal basic income. No need to ever work again.
That's cool and all, but I really just want to lay around in my underwear smoking weed.
Vote for me and I'll make marijuana legal.
Throw in DoorDash and I'm with you, sista.

 

by Moturd
7-31-19
I had a dream. Someday the citizens of Baltimore will not be judged by the color of their fur.
Amen, brother.
We are not white rats. Nor are we black rats.
We are all just, Democ rats.

 

by Moturd
8-03-19
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to interrupt your museum tour in an attempt to salvage my career."
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
Liberals used to defend me,
but I'm white and male. #MeToo

 

by Moturd
8-04-19
Coach, why am I suspended?
Sorry, D.J. but you failed your drug test.
It wasn't mine! I swear. I was at this party, see? And they was smoking hypodermic needles in the same room, but I didn't inhale!
It's not that. It was positive for hCG. You're pregnant.
Oh shit. For reals? You know I'm gonna need some child support, right?
This isn't fair! Why should I have to pay the rest of my life for a one-night mistake?

 

by Moturd
8-06-19
War with Iran is mother of all wars!
Because our army is such big pussy
that even U.S. navy could penetrate our defense and invade our hot caves with seamen

 

by Moturd
8-08-19
Yo! I wanna score some strychnine.
I got coke, smoke, X, crack, smack, meth, shrooms, acid, bath salts, and killer fentanyl.
Nah, just looking for strychnine. I want to end it all.
Sorry, diseased rat. California made it easier for a human to die from drugs than vermin.
I'm going back to Baltimore.

 

by Moturd
8-09-19
What's that white stuff dried on the hood of your car?
That's bird shit.
I've got a field drug test that says it's cocaine.
You really think I'm moving cocaine around on the hood of my car? That is nothing but bird doo doo.
Let's go, Shai! I'm losin my buzz.

 

by Moturd
8-10-19
I felt a great disturbance in the Force.
As if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced?
As if Jeffrey Epstein was silenced and millions of Democrats breathed sighs of relief.
Just how *does* suicide happen to someone on suicide watch?
I'm going to Disneyland!

 

by Moturd
8-16-19
Katy Perry is in the news again tonight. This man, Jon Johnson, claims sexual misconduct.
Mine is a story that must be told.
Just days ago, Miss Perry was accused of exposing the penis of a man who appeared in her "Teenage Dream" music video.
I feel ashamed and humiliated.
Tell the viewers about your experience.
I was a dancer on her music video, and she never even tried to touch me. What am I, chopped liver?

 

by Moturd
8-16-19
All right you bunch of knuckleheads, line up for roll call. And sound off!
Pyle, Gomer!
Here, sergeant!
Fonda, Peter!
Shazam! How did you know that, Sergeant Carter?

 

by Moturd
8-23-19
It was revealed today that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has pancreatic cancer.
Through the magic of miniaturization, our camera sub will take you into RBG's blood stream where a doctor will examine the tumor and give his prognosis.
Okay doc, spill. How long do I have?
She's one tough old broad, but if we bombard her with both radiation and chemo, I think you might recover.

 

by Moturd
8-25-19
Welcome to Dairy Queen. Would you like to try a Flaming Sriracha Blizzard?
you have human flesh burgers?
All of our patties are 100% beef cakes from cow...
🐄 🙁
...boys.

 

by Moturd
8-28-19
We bought Alaska from Russia and made the Louisiana Purchase from France, but when I expressed interest in Greenland the Danish prime minister was a rude bitch.
For 1 Euro I would gladly sell the left-leaning shithole of Flemish Wallonia.
We could buy Wallonia for 1 Euro, but I don't think you want to lose any land area.
What are you suggesting?
You give us 1 dollar. We give you Baltimore.
Only if we get 99 cents back in change

 

by Moturd
9-02-19
Never made it back to Baltimore. I just wanted to see my family one last time.
Lookadatsheeit. Dazarat.
I guess this Wataburger in Texas is as good a place as any. I'ma dive in that vat of hot grease.
That muhfugga is chillin', bro.
Sizzle
I was gonna catch him and take him back to Baltimore wi' me.

 

by Moturd
9-06-19
Why so sad, Sid?
I lost another family member to those traps filled with green alcohol.
He was just nibbling some cheese when all of a sudden... SPLOOSH!
Great news, everybody! They're installing free drink machines all over the city.
I love New York.

 

by Moturd
9-07-19
Sean Connery flees Hurrican Dorian
We're lucky to be alive after Dorian came around.
Hurricane Dorian downgrades from category 5 to 2 when Chuck Norris goes on vacation in the Bahamas

 

by Moturd
9-12-19
Criminal Network News contributor:
I am being persecuted because of my refusal to pledge allegiance to a single man, by whom I mean, Donald Trump.
America is built on institutions not dictators. When I began my career at the FBI, I dedicated my loyalty to an organization, not to the man elected to
run the executive branch, but to an organization who has my back and who knows I have theirs... The Clinton Foundation.

 

by Moturd
9-15-19
I heard that John Hinkley Jr. is out of the psychiatric hospital and living with his mother.
That's nothing new. That was done under Obama.
So the only real news is that he wants to move to California to work in the music industry?
He needs to find a job that matches his skills and personality.
He should come work here at NYT.
True. We are all nuts and hate Republicans.

 

by Moturd
9-15-19
I don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time.
Cause when you're standing, oh, so near...
I kind of lose my mind. Yeah!

 

This the dirtiest sushi restaurant I ever been to.
by Moturd, 9-19-19

 

by Moturd
9-21-19
La coquille d'escargot
Seriously?
My friends said taking you to a French restaurant would impress you.
Red Lobster
Is this some kind of sick joke?
Aw, crap. I should have seen this one coming.
Burger King
No more meats for me. Give me an impossible burger.
Oh, no you dih-int!

 

by Moturd
9-23-19
A UN report released today says that white supremacy is on the rise...
Incidents of naziism are increasing across the globe.
Is it alright to kick a nazi in the nuts?
This reporter says, yes.
Its not nice to correct your moral superiors, grammar boy!
"It's" has an apostrophe when used as a contraction. Only leave it off when it's possessive.

 

NYC neolibs enact Newspeak law
The term "illegal aliens" commonly used for decades is now...
...incomplete paperwork pals
by Moturd, 9-28-19

 

by Moturd
9-29-19
To curb incidents of terrorism using cars and trucks as weapons, Beto O'roarke is...
announcing a mandatory buyback program under my administration. We're coming for your cars!
Taking away people's cars is just one more controversy for this controversial candidate.
We have to protect children from being run over by freaks like myself.
You know you are never going to be elected, right?
You know I'm wearing VR goggles and imagining all this, right?

 

by Moturd
10-03-19
It's a lovely thing seeing the first humpback whale of the mating season show up in the breeding grounds.
Aye, Cap'n. It sure is. Makes me heart melt, it do.
May these great gods of the deep multiply so that all mankind can enjoy and revere them.
There's the first cruise ship full of tourists now. Japanese, by the look of 'em.
Aboard the Oishī-Maru...
Have you stowed the cargo securely, sailor?
Hai, captain-san! 250 tonne fresh whale sushi.

 

by Moturd
10-04-19
In Entertainment news tonight
Rachel Maddow will have a role in a new Batwoman series on the CW.
We save so much money
We cast Maddow as Joker so we never have to pay for makeup.
Impeach Commisioner Gordon and take over Gotham City!
Yes, boss!

 

by Moturd
10-09-19
We got stuck on the gondolas at Disney World all day. Jon pretended to be afraid of heights to get a big settlement from Disney.
I really took them to the cleaners too!
He got a coupon for a free salad bar if he bought a burger and a large drink.
That little freebie knocked $4.00 off the regular price.
You negotiate harder than John Kerry in a room full of Iranians.
Aw, shucks

 

by Moturd
10-11-19
CNN: The Most Busted Name in News
A transgender woman was shot six times in the stomach, chest, and hip as the shooter yelled homophobic slurs
A Trump supporter commited this heinous crime, say unconfirmed sources
An undocumented immigrant who was cruelly deported once before is being hunted by ICE
A tragedy for this migrant who sought refuge in the United States only to escape persecution,it is rumored.
I've just been informed that those last two stories were coincidentally connected.
Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to be having problems with our teleprompter.

 

by Moturd
10-13-19
Suddenly, the Vatican elevator stops.
Lord, I beseech thee. Send your messengers to aid me in this, my time of tribulation.
25 minutes later...
I heard it's the pope trapped in there.
Let's get it open before there's a fire. Pope flambé would be hard to explain to the masses.
What was that all about?
I like to make Francis sweat once in a while, to remind him not to be so damn liberal.

 

Ockadoodat: interj., U.S. informal, implying the affirmative response
Hey man, you wanna meet down at Busters after work and drink a couple pitchers?
Ockadoodat!
by Moturd, 10-20-19

 

by Moturd
10-20-19
We're gonna miss you, Elijah. Baltimore did so well under your "leadership". You provided free guvment cheese for decades.
In Trump's America, poor people have jobs. They fix up their houses and call exterminators. What's a diseased rat to do?
🧀
😢

 

by Moturd
10-21-19
Something made Baltimore snap back to life!
I have an unsettling urge to find a job and apartment.
The murder tally... it's dropping!
Look! It's 276 now.
Get up, you lazy punk. You're 275.
Brains

 

by Moturd
10-21-19
Hillary say Tulsi Gabbard and Jill Stein are Russian assets too, just like Donald Trump
Bish is cray cray
It like she want us to know the Donald unfairly framed for Russian collusion
Why would she do that?
I swear, if one of those socialist clowns beats Trump when I couldn't...

 

by Moturd
10-28-19
Democrat Operatives at WaPo HQ exchange challenge and pass phrase
Democracy dies in darkness, comrade
Well then girlfriend, shut the lights off.
Trump killed al-Baghdadi, but we can't let him win a victory, especially not one this big.
Ok, let's make Trump look bad for killing him. We'll call al-Baghdadi an "austere religious scholar."
Are you sure? Don't we risk exposing ourselves with a lie that outrageous?
Follow up by calling Adolf Hitler a "misunderstood art student." Our counter-culture subscribers will lick it up!

 

by Moturd
10-29-19
My next two guests have been married for 60 years! Tell us your secret to marital bliss.
You have to keep things interesting in the romance department.
We still have sex two or three times a week.
Really?
Not with each other, of course.
Ew!

 

by Moturd
10-30-19
Hiromi Beelzos of the Washington Post: some say your brand of news is nothing more than anti-American rhetoric.
Oh puh-leeze. It's just like Charlie Manson, a struggling singer-songwriter, used to say...
We interrupt this newscast for an urgent breaking story!
Twick or tweat?
What is this thing? A minion? Here's a candy bar, kid. See if you can reach up and grab it with those stubby little arms.
We'll be keeping you up to date with 24 hour coverage until this crisis ends.
Clearly an impeachable offense!

 

by Moturd
11-02-19
Don't eat anything until Mommy and Daddy check for THC candy.
If'n we finds some, change costumes and keep hitting that house until we clean them out!

 

by Moturd
11-05-19
You know, I used to own an In-n-Out burger in Albaquerque.
They say that's a great franchise. Why'd you sell it?
I didn't. I ate it.
I used to eat In-n-Out all the time.
Not anymore?
She dumped me.

 

by Moturd
11-05-19
Hermione, Are you single?
Why no, Prof. Dumb_Old_Bore, I'm self-partnered.
We used to call that auto-erotic stimulation.
Harry calls it waxing his wand.

 

Greta Thornberg rejects Nordic Environmental Award
I refuse to accept a consolation prize. My performance at the U.N. deserves an Academy Award for best actress.
by Moturd, 11-06-19

 

by Moturd
11-08-19
Ever notice how plane seats keep getting smaller and smaller?
I got a whole row to myself by bringing an emotional support tarantula.
Just don't let it get out of the box.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaki... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT SPIDER! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF!

 

by Moturd
11-11-19
My most famous role was a moyel on a couple of Seinfeld episodes, and now I'm 70. I'd give anything to make a comeback.
I can get you on TV again. Sign here.
Google Maps sends our protagonist 4 miles down a remote logging road
Arf arf
You stay here with the car, Boo Bear. Satan says I just need to hike 3 miles back the way we came, and in a few days I'll be a legend!
On World News Tonight, the body of missing actor Charles Levin has been found naked, decomposed, and partially eaten by vultures.

 

by Moturd
11-20-19
Have you noticed that since Elijah Cummings passed some really dirty shit is being exposed?
He's not here to cover up anymore.
Something is rotten in the city of Baltimore.
It's the stink of corruption. Smell that foul stench!
Pugh!
Pugh!

 

by Moturd
11-21-19
Many, many, many people want me to consider running again in the 2020 presidential race. 
Hoo?
Well, I can't name them all.
How many?
Whatever the current population of China is.
plus al quaeda

Showing page 7.

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