All comics by andydougan

Profile

 

by andydougan
1-06-02
Hey, didn't you used to be that bald twit off TV?
The herring in my head tells me so.
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you!
I'll be drowning my sorrows at the post-announcement party.
Thirty years ago most of the Tory membership might have known what they were on about, but not now.
It's okay, they only live about two years anyway and have small brains, so it doesn't matter much if they die.

 

by andydougan
1-06-02
Yeah, I've got a new job too... Hey there big boy! You lookin' for a prime piece of ass?
Sure, why?
Red Bull. They say it gives you wings. Wanna try some?
Shut up and swallow it all, slut!
Want to play the biscuit game?
Kill me.

 

by andydougan
1-08-02
Here, fatso, have another waffle.
No thanks, I really couldn't. I'm bursting.
EAT!
I suppose I may as well. At least the wheat flour contains a lot of protein.
They're rich in gluten, eh?

 

by andydougan
1-08-02
Cut a pound of flesh from your body, please.
All right. I'll scoop it out of my chest.
Heh heh! Send my greedings to Satan!

 

by andydougan
1-08-02
I've been chained to the foot of this bed for some small while now. I'm getting a bit bored.
Okay. How about a game of Cluedo, then?
Righto. I suggest it was Professor Plum in the conservatory with the spanner.
Wow! Right first time! Not bad, Sherlock!
Yeah, you could say I'm a super-sloth.

 

by andydougan
1-08-02
You have a choice. You can either phone for help and be mutilated, or pry the top of your head off with a knife.
Bit of a no-win situation, this.
Oh well. I guess I'll plump for the latter option.
Nicely pryed!

 

by andydougan
1-08-02
I wonder what's in this here box.
It theems that envy ith my thin...hmm. I appear to have developed a lithp.
Argh!
Grr! Why, you little varmint! BANG!
Wait! Don't do anything rath!

 

by andydougan
1-09-02
Stripcreator student union
Answer: a baby with a javelin through its throat! Ho ho!
Ha ha ha! Good one, man! Good one! Thanks be to Allah!
Er, I mean, I'm going to go and chat up that girl over there. Look after my Kalashnikov, will you?
I wonder if it's just a coincidence that he's majoring in plastic surgery...
Phwoar! Get a load of the ears on that!

 

by andydougan
1-12-02
Olympus Mons, AD 2442: Overpopulation on Earth has forced agriculture to expand onto Mars
Ah, you must be the supply team. Welcome to Mars! The terrain around here's very mountainous. We'll have to level it out before irrigating it. Better get some of the TNT out.
TNT?
*Tell me* you didn't leave the TNT behind. How could you possibly miss it? There was fifty gigatons of the stuff!
Sorry. We had a bit of a mishap with it.
Wonderful. Now I'll have to wait here another month while you go back to Earth and get it.
Earth?

 

by andydougan
1-17-02
Eh-oh!
Look! It's Tinky-Winky, Dipsy and Laa-laa! Eh-oh! Oooooh! Wheeee! Blah! Hehehe!
Wheeee! Blah! Hehe!
Aaah! Oooch! Noo noo! Bablablab! Wee hee hee hee! Gabagabagaba! ... Look! Here comes Poe! I wonder what he's got to say!
The pit, whose horrors had been destined for so bold a recusant as myself, the pit, typical of Hell, and regarded by rumour as the Ultima Thole of all their punishments.
It's Ultima *Thule*! Sometimes I wonder what kind of garbage you're learning from that show.

 

by andydougan
1-22-02
At the private sector casualty department
Excuse me, doctor. Need some help here.
My God! What happened to you?!
I got into a bit of a fight in a hardware shop. But hell, you should see the other guy!
All right, don't try to speak. Take a seat and we'll get that seen to at once. It's just as well you had the sense to come to us instead of a National Health hospital!
Excuse me, doctor. Need some help here.
Waiting room's the burned-out car in the back. And try not to inhale when you pass the corpse in the corridor.

 

by andydougan
1-24-02
Due to global warming, even film critics have been drafted in to emergency biochemical research
That's funny. I could've sworn I left that potato around here...
*urp* Hey, Andy, what do you get when you cross a potato with my appetite and a_spaghetti_western? A Bellyful of Dalis!
Good one. And here's another corker. What do you get when you cross a potato with a sample of Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva?
I don't know, what *do* you get when...you...cross...
Aw, nuts.
Better get used to that pose, KKP...

 

by andydougan
1-26-02
How's work coming on the plaque displaying all the reasons why wirthling sucks?
Well, it was a little too long, so we used a 1-point font and took out a lot of adjectives. It's a bit more concise now. BRING 'ER IN, CHARLIE!
Damn, missed it. What a time for an eclipse!
That wasn't an eclipse.

 

by andydougan
1-27-02
Andy Dougan, Comic Cup holder, and Russell Crowe, Best Actor holder
I won Comic Cup 7. Ergo I'm a lot better than you.
How I envy you. I suppose I'll just have to settle for being a millionaire sex symbol all the women want and all the men want to be. But God knows I'll struggle by somehow.
Note to self: only gloat to losers.
o/` Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...

 

by andydougan
1-28-02
A very boring show with the Prime Minister and the most boring Dimbleby
Let me tell you, Jonathan, I'm so confident that I'm going to sort out the NHS, that if I fail, I'll accept the judgment of the electorate!
So what you're saying is you normally *wouldn't* accept the judgment of the electorate?
I think the point is moot.
A bit like me.

 

by andydougan
1-30-02
Prime Minister, there are too many quangos full of Labour cronies around. Something should be done.
You're right! I'll set up a quango full of Labour cronies to deal with it.
Er, I was kind of hoping you'd do something to solve the problem, not compound it.
You're fired!
Meeting of the anti-cronyism quango
Does "quango" start with a C or a K? Maybe we should look it up.
Nah, that's enough work for one day. Coming to score some smack at the Mothers Against Drugs meeting?

 

by andydougan
1-30-02
Jonathan, it wasn't our fault our anti-cronyism quango ended up full of cronies. Only ten people applied for the job, and nine of them were cronies.
Only ten people applied for a job which involves no work and pays £250 a day?
Yeah, well, the sole advertisement was printed on Robin Cook's colostomy bag. And it was written in a code to which only I had the key.
We were really disappointed by the low number of applicants.
Not half as much as Robin Cook was, I'm sure.

 

by andydougan
1-30-02
There are essentially five stages of psychosexual development: the oral, anal, phallic, latent and genital stages. The oral stage is characterised by...are you listening?
Sorry, I couldn't help being distracted by the little 666 you have at the top of your forehead...
Yeah, it's no joke being descended from Sigmund Freud and Rupert Murdoch.

 

by andydougan
1-31-02
I'm Captain Redundant. I often say superfluous words unnecessarily a lot when I talk.
I'm Corporal Apathy. I've also got some special trait or something. Who cares?
I'm not Colonel Perjury. I sometimes tell the truth.
That's the biggest lie I ever heard. I'm Brigadier General Hyperbole. I do nothing but exaggerate. I'm the leader of our gang, which makes me omnipotent.
We're going to hold up the corner shop. We'll make off with trillions of dollars!
*sigh* Do we have to?

 

by andydougan
2-01-02
Here's how long it takes a McDonald's employee to earn enough to buy a Big Mac meal!!!
You want chips with that?
Hmm...the fryer appears to be releasing some kind of spores. Well, no matter!
Half an hour later...
Yes...a rat foetus...no...I can't think how it got into your Fanta...
Your burger tastes funny? Okay, we'll see what we can do...
The new Big Mac meal: only 99p!!!
*ccchh* Ptoo!
It's a lot better now? Great!

 

by andydougan
2-05-02
Andrew Marr, BBC journo. We're doing an item intended to undermine the Conservatives. Do you know who Iain Duncan Smith is?
A contestant on "Pop Idol"?
Try again.
The Grand High Sultan of the Ulama, May His Name Be Written Forever In The Stars And His Enemies Die Of Scrofula?
Nope.
A supermodel?

 

by andydougan
2-05-02
In actual fact, Iain Duncan Smith is the leader of the Conservative Party.
The what?
The Conservative Party. You know, those posh guys who hate poor people. They're the main opposition to the government.
Oh, right. I don't know anything about politics, you see. Despite this, I still feel qualified to vote at every election.
Well, the ones when I manage to work out how to hold the pen, anyway.
I think I'm in love.

 

by andydougan
2-05-02
If you don't know anything about politics, how do you decide who to vote for?
Well, I pass by the job centre on the way to the polling station...
Yes?
So I count the people queuing to sign on, then vote for the candidate with that number on the ballot.
Are there that many candidates?
No, I usually have to divide it by the hours I spend waiting for the train.

 

by andydougan
2-08-02
arrandildocompany's feeling a bit down in the dumps, so here's a hilarious strip to make him forget his woes
Well, I sure am glad I'm not back in that socialist pit of violence and slaughter on the other side of the planet!
Belgrade? Stalingrad? Phnom-Penh?
Kids' stuff! I'm talking about Glasgow. A vile den of_bureaucracy_where underqualified, overpaid fat cats keep a horde of mindless, shrieking barbarians in some semblance of order...
G'day, Nix! I've taken a month off lecturing psychology to come and visit!
There goes the neighbourhood...

 

by andydougan
2-15-02
Stephen Byers, transport secretary, and Jo Moore, Labour spin-doctor paid by the taxpayer
Well, Jo, that's the second time we've been caught covering up the government's fuck-ups. One of us has to go, and it sure ain't gonna be me.
Sigh. All right, I know when I'm not wanted. I'll go and ply my evil trade elsewhere...
Wait! Not yet!
What?
Wait until Princess Margaret's funeral. We don't want this getting out.

 

by andydougan
2-20-02
EMI, London
Ring!
What?
It's a disgrace! If you play "Here's to My Sweet Satan" by Led Zeppelin backwards, it says "she's buying a stairway to heaven"! What if my four-minute-old heard that?
Go away.
He'd pester me to buy him one too, that's what! Is there no respite from corporate marketing these days?

 

by andydougan
2-22-02
The Hague
Bongo, you stand accused of murdering civilians, causing devastation far beyond that justified by military necessity, cruel treatment of non-combatants and crimes against humanity. How do you plead?
Thusly: I BEG YOU!!! PLEASE!!! HAVE MERCY!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! ANYTHING!!! JUST DON'T PUT ME IN PRISUH-UH-UH-UH-UHNN!!!!!
Er, I meant do you claim to be guilty or not guilty?
Oh. Then not guilty.
Speaking of crimes against humanity, you should see some of the rules for this round...

 

by andydougan
2-25-02
Who first seduced them to that foul revolt? The infernal serpent; he it was, whose guile, stirred up with envy and revenge, deceived the mother of mankind...
Farewell happy fields, where joy forever dwells.
Hail, horrors!
...what time his pride had cast him out from Heaven, with all his host of rebel angels, by whose aid, aspiring to set himself in glory above his peers.
Here we may reign secure; and in my choice to reign is worth ambition, though in Hell; Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven.
"We'll clobba Slobba".
So spake the grisly Terror.

 

by andydougan
2-27-02
Booyakasha! Is yous wicked? Aiight! For real! Check dis! I angs out wiv Madonna! She is well fit! Selecta! Ride the punanni!
Isn't it pathetic when a joke is perpetuated to the point that it's no longer even mildly funny?
Is it cos I is black?
You act with your pecs.

 

by andydougan
3-03-02
Hey, Russell. I just saw your latest flick, "A Beautiful Mind". Perhaps "A Bad Movie" would have been more apt? I mean, you a mathematician? That's a laugh!
Just what the world needed. Yet another "true story" about a misunderstood_genius, culminating in a sentimental scene where said genius addresses a crowd of people.
Look, it's not my fault if you're too stupid to appreciate great filmmaking.
What are you talking about? I loved it!

 

by andydougan
3-03-02
Hey, Dougan, you gave my latest picture, "A Beautiful Mind", a poor review. Apologise or I'll sic my heavies on you.
No can do, Russter. The film is blatantly designed to win as many Academy Awards as possible. Your performance is equally cynical.
Balderdash. It's yet another example of my unparagoned artistic probity.
We'll see about that when it cleans up on Oscar night.
20p says it won't.
You're on!

 

by andydougan
3-03-02
Russell Crowe, actor, and Prince Philip, prince
You're from Australia, eh? Do you still wear hats with corks on them, chuck spears at one another and hump sheep?
Actually, I'm from New Zealand.
And yes.

 

by andydougan
3-07-02
Sob. I wish someone liked me. I'm so miserable, I'll retreat to this cave and get half-cut on this bottle of London Dry stolen from my mum. Hey, what's going on?
Live you? Or are you aught that man may question?
I'm a genie. For releasing me from the magic bottle, you may have three wishes!
Presently...
Uh, I actually meant *a lot* better looking.
One down, two to go!

 

by andydougan
3-09-02
Psst!
Want to buy the Prime Minister?
How much?
Hundred and twenty-five Gs.
Hmmm...I was kind of saving up for Shrubya.

 

by andydougan
3-12-02
Now that I have your attention, on with the strip.
White is the new black.
Gay is the new straight.
Staying in is the new going out.
Laissez-faire capitalism is the new Marxism.
Saying that something is the new version of its polar opposite is the new intelligent content.
Andy's comics are the new hilarious.

 

by andydougan
3-12-02
Annoying place you have here.
Thanks. We're especially proud of our "shoes that let in water" selection.
How much for the cinema seat with the broken hinge which means you have to struggle not to fall off throughout the whole film?
A tenner. But we've got a special on: buy two and get a free old woman who stands in front of you in the queue spending half an hour looking for her bus pass when you're already late.
Done.
Okay. Here's your twenty quid.

 

by andydougan
3-13-02
Booyakasha. I'm Andy Dougan, film critic extraordinaire and outgoing Comic Cup holder. I hope you've enjoyed the competition. And if you didn't, too bad, sucks to be you.
To finish the proceedings on a high, I'm going to do something absolutely astonishing and unforgettable, something which will live on down the generations...
...in the next strip.
Which Cup did you compere, then? They were all great apart from that stupid one with the serials...

 

by andydougan
3-14-02
Your gay!
What about my gay?
He's coming this way.
Sup.

 

by andydougan
3-14-02
"Let eva=42 and f4g0t=216. What is the value of yuo if yuo=f4g0t4eva?"

 

by andydougan
3-14-02
"Yes" is the most Satanic band name ever.
Why?
What, you don't know why they're called that?
Are you the infernal spawn of the Unfather?
Yes.

 

by andydougan
3-18-02

 

by andydougan
3-21-02
Russell Crowe, quietly confident Oscar nominee, and Nicole Kidman, his mistress
Nary three days to go! I must remember to wax my biceps for the acceptance speech.
I've not been on TV enough lately. Should we just pet a little at the ceremony, or would_full_penetration be more newsworthy?
Denzel Washington, hard person from Harlem, and Ethan Hawke, non-entity
Ey yo! Bitch! Ass! G! BOOM! ...Oh, it's no good, this just isn't me. I want to play solicitors again.
Er. Hello. I'm Ethan Hawke. I'm not going to win.
The Academy
Hey, how about "Gosford Park" for Best Picture?
Ha ha ha! Shh, c'mon, we have to get this done!

 

by andydougan
3-24-02
There was tragedy tonight at the Academy Awards ceremony after a volcano erupted beneath the Kodak Theater.
Bizarrely, this coincided with terrorists releasing chlorine gas into the air vents, the roof caving in and a meteorite striking the building. Jennie Bond is on the scene.
Corpses were found with their faces still contorted into sobs of anguish. Despite the devastation, it's believed it took most of the victims many hours to die...
Andy!
* POP! *
Andy! Wake up! Russell Crowe's just won several Oscars and is reciting a poem!
Sigh...the good dreams are always the cruellest.

 

by andydougan
3-24-02
Welcome to the 74th Annual Academy Awards, live from a bombed-out ruin in Kandahar.
After the terrible events here of last November, we luvvies asked ourselves: "How much should we be paid?" The answer was obvious.
MORE THAN EVER.
Now here's a montage of films set in Kandahar over the years.

 

by andydougan
3-24-02
The Oscar goes to...
...Denzel!
Wow! What a shock! Totally unexpected! I'd like to thank my mum, dad, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin, wife, husband, son, daughter, dog, cat, budgie...
...wait, who?

 

by andydougan
3-25-02
George Bush, former president
Up you get, boy. My folks've written you a speech to keep them idiot voters supportin' our war.
Aw, dad! Do I gotta? I was hopin' to meet the guys for a line today! An' I never even wanted to be no president, anyhow!
Up! No boy of mine lazes about when he could be committin' mass murder and settin' back the progress of the world!
No fair.
After his tongue was surgically removed from the president's anus, Mr Blair said he stood shoulder to shoulder with the US government.
All goes well on earth...

 

by andydougan
3-27-02
Loch Ness

 

by andydougan
3-30-02
Neds
Fockin get ma big cuzhin up he's pure the best fighter in the shcheme by the way fockin boot yer cunt in ya fockin black basturt
Egad! I wish I'd said that!
You will, Kit-Kat. You will.

 

by andydougan
3-30-02
How many chucks would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If I were punish-ed for every pun I shed, there would not be left a puny shed of my punnish head!
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy!
Horror of horrors! Hunners of hauners, hauners!
No, that's crap.

 

by andydougan
3-30-02
Chink.
Hey! You can't go around calling people that!
I was chinking my glass. It's the only way we have of doing sound effects in Stripcreator.
Oh. Okay, then.
Gook bitch.
Wait...he was chinking his glass with *itself*?

Showing page 7.

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