All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

So you're planning on creating people who you already know are going to disobey you and curse you every chance they get?
Yep.
And after having to bail them out over and over again, you plan to sacrifice me so that you can see them in the afterlife.
Yep.
Have you thought about getting a dog first?

 

I don't know Sally. This is all very weird to me.
You're just nervous Ruth. Just relax and take it easy.
But I don't know what to do or even how to start.
It will come naturally.
I don't even have the right equipment to do it with you. What am I supposed to use?
Just pretend you're a little Dutch boy and stick your finger in the dyke.

 

Richard, sweetie, when will you be coming home?
Soon, Nana. I've been doin' time.
I know. Your Papa found the cum stains inside the grandfather clock.

 

Daddy, could you tell me the story of tripod?
Ah, you mean the story of "The Quest for the Cup!"
It all started in a far away magical land called Idaho where the green valleys are lush with wildlife and the purple mountains majesty can be seen for miles...
Oh for Christ's sake you dipshit! Quit blathering on like a flowery faggot and get to the point dumbass!
Fine! But YOU have to promise to stop going to mommy's "Slumber Parties" and repeating what you hear her friends say about daddy!

 

Like I said, tripod was born in Idaho where it was so cold that his first words were...
Good God! It's so cold I'm pissing icicles over here!
But even with the beauty of Idaho, tripod was missing something. He wasn't sure what, but he felt incomplete.
Fate would move his family to the barren land of Kansas, but it was here that he began his quest for the cup.
Hey! Can't anyone plant a fucking tree around here?

 

With no real background in sports, tripod found he excelled in drama classes throughout school.
Hey baby, while we're waiting for Godot, what do you say to some foolin' around?
Wait! Foolin' around? I thought drama class was for gay guys.
Most, but not all.
And as the only straight guy in drama class, tripod was happy. Very happy.
I promise, this is all part of the script. And just so you know, Cindy, Erin, and Sandy are all understudies and need the practice as well.

 

Not being able to find the magical cup in high school, tripod became a therapist where he tried to help others with their pain.
I sense that you have a hard time letting people in.
And even though he was good at what he did, even some clients were too much to handle.
Are you married? Cuz if you're not I don't know if I can trust you to handle my marriage counseling.
Really? So are you going to fire your male gynecologist because he doesn't bleed every 28 days?
On a side note, did you know that if you broke down psychotherapist you get "Psycho the Rapist"?
Yeah, but mommy has always told me that you can't rape the willing.

 

Then one day, tripod's quest came to an end when he obtained the magical cup.
The cup you ordered came in sir. This should protect your testicles from all sorts of things.
The end.
Wait just a fucking minute. You mean to tell me this whole story was about finding a jock strap?
Not just any jock strap. The biggest in the land. They don't call him tripod for nothing. By the way, why exactly did you want to hear that story?
I heard mommy talking about him. I guess she knows why they call him tripod too. Oh, and she told me to tell you dinner's in the fridge and not to wait up.

 

Mop. Ice. Fire. Backhoe. Bait. Trash.
Wha' 'cha doin'?
Writing my bucket list.
Oh. Very clever. Rosemary. Julie. Roger. Roger's dead grandmother.
And what are you dong?
Reading my fuck it list.

 

Aw, Pumpkin. What's the matter?
I just got back from the doctor's and it was horrible daddy!
Hows come?
He told me, I got the genital warts.
Well, now you can't ever say I never gave you anything.

 

Hey, what's the difference between a tard and a turd?
I assume that you are so crudely referring to the retarded.
Or, to put it more politely, the mentally challenged or mentally delayed.
No, I was referring to the piece of shit that comes out your ass.
Oh, in that case it's obvious that the difference is that a turd is supposed to look and smell that way.

 

I'm so broke right now. I wish there was a way I could get some easy money.
Hi. I'm the magical Cash Cow. Just milk me for a chance to win millions and millions of dollars.
Oh, that's it! Keep pulling on it, bitch!
Hey! Since when do cows have only one ginormous teat on their udder?
Get back down there and finish the withdrawal or I'll deposit my hoof in your ass!

 

I love Pepsi. It's the best drink in the whole wide world! hee hee
Michael! A spark just caught your hair on fire!
AUUUUUGH!
Not me!
Not me!

 

Blinky! Where the hell have you been? It's 2 am!
I've been out with Pac Man dad.
Wha-?
He ate me all night long and I gave him my cherry. I'm in love with him dad!
Haven't you heard of all the new diseases they have now?
It's okay dad. He loves me too. He told me he would even get my name put on a special quilt that's traveling the nation.

 

1988
So I was with three girls last night.
Uh huh..
And they couldn't stop begging for more. I was like an animal. You know, most guys can't even satisfy one woman.
You are the man! I wish I could handle women like you can.
Um, Josh? Why are you smelling the seat of my office chair?
Uh... duh... well... um...

 

I'm glad you asked me to dinner. I've heard around the office about how you can satisfy a woman.
Oh yeah. You know it.
So I was thinking we should just skip dinner and head back to your place.
Check please!
So are we going in or what?
Well I do have a new D and D character I would like to try out. He's got extra stamina.

 

Spider-man bed sheets, huh?
Yep.
So... I guess we should start doing it.
Uh... sure.
Uhh, uhh, uhh.
What the hell Josh?! Get your penis out of my ear!

 

So, I guess you heard that Josh and I did it last night.
Isn't he the sweetest most gentle lover you've ever had? He was the best lay of my life.
Josh isn't a virgin? Oh god! I thought he was, so I decided to treat him and did the most dirty depraved sexual acts I knew to him.
Oh no, he's not a virgin. He's just sweet. He's almost like a 13-year-old trapped in a man's body.
For the love of god Zoltar, you've got to make me 13 again. Grown up women are sick as fuck!

 

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?
Yeah, so? Get on with the fucking joke!

 

Nate and Matt are friends.
Hello friend.
Matt is happy to have Nate as a friend.
I'm so happy to have you as a friend.
Nate slyly asks Matt to join him in anal sex.
Hey, buddy? Want to go back to my place and... What the hell!? Why would I want to do that?
Dude! Shut up and go with it! You're breaking the 4th wall!

 

Nate is upset.
This is bullshit man!
Maybe, but if you look, the Narrator is right again.
Nate becomes irate.
Fuck the Narrator! He's not right! He said I was wanted to have anal sex! Fuck him man!
You do sound irate.
Nate doth protest too much.
I'm not gay! I don't want to have anal sex with you!
The Narrator doth have a point.

 

Nate begins to question things.
Who is this narrator guy anyway?
Just a guy who's always right.
Nate has his doubts.
I doubt he's always right.
He was right about you doubting.
Matt confesses to sleeping with Nate's sister, mother, dog, and retarded cousin.
My cousin Tyrone?
The Narrator said I would so... Besides, you know Tyrone makes super funny noises when he ejaculates.

 
So on my visit to Thailand, I saw these two 12-year-old Asian girls just standing around and came up with a great new idea for a website!
Awwww, man. Does it have to be about two 12-year-old Asian girls?

 

These truley are not happy days. Our beloved TV icons are passing away. First Mrs. Cleaver and now Mr. C. I am praying that next to go will be Roseanne.
We would have loved to have his family and friends here today but no one returned our calls. So filling in for Fonzie, let us welcome Fozzie!
Wocka wocka wocka everybody. I'm happy to report that Mr. Bosley's sponsors have not left him. Let's give a big hand to Glad garbage bags for providing Mr. Bosley's burial bag.

 

What is it, ma?
Audry II, it's time you grew up and move out. And you won't grow up strong unless you start eating your vegetables!
What up dog? You got any vegetables on you?
No, but I hear they keep some in the building down the block.
Coma unit?
3rd floor.

 

You hangin' in there buddy?
Yeah. Some woman tried me on yesterday and farted on me.
What did ya do?
I told her that if she did it again I would strangle her with my stitching.
But she did it again anyway?
I guess she just didn't take the thread seriously.

 

Can you help me, doctor? I think my sexual compulsions are going to warp the mind of my boys.
I remember when your first son was into the Muppets, you would rub your pussy with his "Animal" doll.
Yeah, and when my second son got into Veggie Tales, well.. Larry the cucumber is dildo shaped...
So what's your third son into that's causing your sexual compulsions to come out again?
...please say his pet rock, please say his pet rock, please say his...

 

So, tell me again how you contracted both Heebie Jeebies and Hotsy Totsy.
Well, I told my buddy I had never seen breasts before and he said he knew of a great Hooterville on the lower west side.
This girl there said she would show me the fuzz on her juicer but she was raggy, so instead she offered to let me boondoggle her stinkeroo.
And why did you let her spifflicate in your mouth again?
I told her earlier I really enjoyed scat.

 

I can't do this psychic thing anymore. It ruins any chance at a normal life with anyone. If I touch their hand I see all the dead people in their lives.
Have you thought about just wearing gloves all the time, jackass?
by four_legged_tripod, 11-12-10

 

Hey, let's give some of the people around here dinosaur themed nicknames.
Nice! I'll go first. How bout we call Liz in accounting a Tyranno-"whore"-as?
Cool! Oh! And the lesbian in shipping can be a Ptero-"dyke"-tal.
Good one! Oh, and remember when Mr. Scwartz lost all his money at the poker game and got so pissed off? He could be a Tyranno-"sore ass"!
Tyranno-"sore ass"? I heard that, Jones! Next time you make fun of my fetish for fisting, you're fired!

 

Well, she's all done. I parked 'er in the back.
This is NOT what I meant when I said I needed a new tranny.

 

The problem with kids' cereal is that kids are too mature. We need a more mature spokes person like a dirty stripper or something instead of a stupid toucan.
Bullshit! The problem with kids is that they know we're lying. If there's a tiger on the front of the box, there'd better be dehydrated tiger meat in the box!
Good point Johnson. I'm putting you in charge of this operation!
Hey, Pop! Have you seen Crackle anywhere?

 

I haven't heard you talk about your relaxation and masturbation pool in a while.
I installed a door to get in the pool easier, but I think I put it in wrong.
This door here? Why not just open it?
It'll get ya all wet if ya do. I'm begin' ya woman, don't open that door!
Do you not listen to anything I say?
Sorry. It's been so long since you told me something was gonna make me wet.

 

Fred, that masturbation pool of yours has gotta go. I'm afraid God's gonna get pissed and do something.
Like what? I'm already going blind. You think he's gonna send a tornado like he did in "The Wizard of Oz"?
Happy now Fred?
Dammit God! I said "send a horny ho like he did in the Blizzard of Bras" you bastard! Blizzard of Bras!!!

 

My sphincter shrinks each time I feel the gaze of the gays.
by four_legged_tripod, 12-16-10

 

So, to find out exactly how old she was, we decided to implement a carbon dating system.
We heard that she was fast, but to determine how fast, we measured the distance between two successive placements of the same foot...
Who the hell hired a paleontologist to do Betty White's roast!?
Sir, Miss White said that if that guy doesn't "bury his long dinosaur bone" in her after his set, she'll make your testicles extinct.

 

...so then I decided that there was no way I couldn't buy the shoes. Don't you agree?
Uuuuh huhhhh.
You are such a good listener. Most of my dates just can't stop talking about themselves. Tell me, what do you like most about me?
Brains...
Oh. My. God. You are too perfect! Most guys just see my boobs and not my smarts!

 

I love the way you nibble my earlobe. It's so sexy.
Uhhhhh.
Yes! Moan for me! Eat me you magnificent bastard!

 

Um, hello? A little help here? I just need a Slim Jim, please.
Uh, hello? It's been like 20 minutes. I could use a bus boy to clean off my table.
Where the hell are all the taxis? Holy frijoles, this is turning out to be quite the day!
Sir, it's against the law to speak other than English in America. Say "frijoles" again and you get a ticket, capisce? Ah, shit! Now I have to cavity search myself.

 

This Slushie is absolutly amazing.
It's a brand new flavor we are trying out.
I've never tasted anything like it. It's incredible. It's wonderful. It's... it's... it's orgasmic!
Thank you. Cum again.

 

I have no idea why I chose to use such a deep bowl to make french toast. I can't get enough egg on the bread.
Last time, I'm sure I used something much flatter.
You used your chest?

 

My brother, let's pray now and praise the Lord! Pass it on.
Your brother Ray just now grazed the floor. Pass it on.
YOUR MOTHER'S GAY AND SHE RAISED A WHORE!
...the fuck?!?

 

So, I've led you here to tempt you and you've resisted all temptation. The only thing left to do is crucify you.
Crucify me? Are you nuts? You didn't even bring a cross.
Turn around.
Why?
______________________________________________________
Oh...

 

We've been walking forever man. I haven't even seen another person in three days.
Just keep going. I'm so hungry.
Dude, we're not even in the right country anymore.
Wait! Look! A White Castle!
___________________________________________________________________________________
We really need to lay off the weed.

 

Are you okay mister?
My son threw his ball over this wall and I've spent three hours trying to climb over it. Ah, you wouldn't understand. You're just a dumb Asian chick.
Oh...
________________________________________________
Well, have you tried using the stairs you Caucasian dipshit?

 

470_AD________________________________________________________________
My darling, this forest is like your beauty. It goes on forever and will last always.
As will my love for you. 1500 years from now, this magical spot on which we now stand will serve as a reminder to all of the kind of love we shared.
1970__________________________________________________________________________
Oh yeah! This place looks big enough to hold all of my foot fetish porn!

 

_____________________________________________________________________________
Look ma! I'm the Sistine Chapel!
by four_legged_tripod, 1-24-11

 

Greetings Mr. Schweitzer. It is I, your alca-fairy! I have decidied that you have spent one too many nights drunk in a public restroom wondering where your pants are.
Look, I don't give a rat's ass who you are. I don't have a problem drinking or a drinking problem, so buzz off!
If you don't change your ways, I'm afraid I will have no other choice than to haunt you endlessly until you give up the bottle.
Fine. If it gets you off my back, I'll find a better use for the damn bottle.
______________________________________________________________
Hey! Making a ship in a bottle and stuffing me in here with it was not what I meant!

 

_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
Next time, try hiding behind the cactus.

 

Hey, I was thinking, now that we have a couple of kids, we should talk about the "Big V."
I'm so glad you brought that up. I didn't want to say anything but I have noticed that your vagina is now completely stretched out and huge.
I was talking about you getting a vasectomy.
How's that gonna make your coochie tighter?

Showing page 7.

« Previous Next »