All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
3-30-02
The Prime Minister pays his respects
I can't believe she's gone...after all these centuries...how will we ever survive without her? How?! How, I ask you, HOW?!?!
You know, this tribute might feel a little more sincere if it hadn't been recorded years in advance.
Books of condolence are to be opened to the public. We'd prefer you didn't write sarcastic comments in them this time.
This means you, pal.

 

by andydougan
4-04-02
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Do you know how much nuclear waste was generated to provide you with the electricity to make this comic?
No, how much?

 

by andydougan
4-05-02
So after I've licked off all the cream, exactly how far up do you want me to insert the fruit?
Just keep pushing until the intestinal wall feels like it's about to give. While you're doing this, reach around with the steel wool...
Uh, I hate to interrupt, but your cock's pecked a hole in the melon.
Yeah, that's the trouble with gallinaceous fowl. I've been thinking of exchanging it for a beaver or something.
Anyway, how am I supposed to fit a grapefruit into your rectum?
Well, it'll require a bit of stretching, sure, but it should be possible. Getting the cucumber into the urethra will be the really tricky bit...

 

by andydougan
4-06-02
Excuse me.
Is this the queue for the toilets?
No. They've put the Queen Mother's cadaver on public display, and we're waiting to gawk at it.
Uh...okay...I'll be going over here now.
But I suppose she'd do if you're desperate.

 

by andydougan
4-06-02
Ho ho! A comic about using the Queen Mother's corpse as a toilet! That's one in the eye for the status quo, to be sure!
VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!
Anyway. Pr0n.

 

by andydougan
4-09-02
...and that's why the age of criminal responsibility should be raised from eight to twelve!
Hi, I'm eleven years and eleven months old. Also, I operate genocidal death squads in Central America.
That's naughty, young lady! Don't do it again!
Or not after the next month, anyway.

 

by andydougan
4-09-02
Yes! Yes! Paint the ground crimson with the entrails of the myriad innocents! HAHAHAHA HEHEHEHOHOHO!!!
'ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's all this, then?
Ha! I'm below the age of criminal responsibility! My dear officer, you could not even give me a parking ticket!
Mainly because you're too young to drive.
But if I did, who'd be able to stop me? Huh?

 

by andydougan
4-09-02
The Hague
Little girl, you have committed crimes against humanity. If you were a month older, you'd be broken on the wheel while you screamed for death.
However, as you're below the age of criminal responsibility, we'll just wag a disapproving finger and give you a "I was brave at the war crimes tribunal" sticker.
You're silly.
Gasp! Contempt of court!

 

by andydougan
4-10-02
The Royal Funeral
She was, by Hitler's own admission, the bravest person in the cosmos. If it wasn't for her, we'd all be speaking German!
I like the way everyone's forgotten that she was actually a Nazi sympathiser.
Here, for a change, is Tony Blair looking all concerned. And here's Laura Bush looking like a vacant retard.
I need an escape from all this. I'm off to buy a Daily Record.
And here are the books of condolence being thrown away unread...oops, didn't mean to show you that bit!

 

by andydougan
4-10-02
At the Nobel Committee
Ladies and gentlemen, I have pioneered a way of making people_talk_backwards. Prepare for a milestone in locution! I give you...Xavier!
Um. Hi, folks. I was a bit nervous about making this speech, so I kind of took a little Xanax to relax me. Now I don't seem to be talking backwards anymore.
But, er, I've got a triple-jointed pelvis, if you'd like to see that...
Great. Now my only hope of winning a Nobel is that bloody luberator. Where did I put that thing?
Tac eht ot ti def I os ,ti dedeen ew kniht t'ndid I ,yrros.

 

by andydougan
4-11-02
A palace in Baghdad
Although I'm a Muslim, Christians generally seem to have better fortune. Ergo I turn to you, Jesus!
The Americans are planning to oust me! You must strike their planes from the sky and visit venereal plagues upon their cities!
Uh, Kaufman, I think it's actually Saddam Hussein they're planning to oust...
Look, can't you suspend your disbelief? What other character are we supposed to use?

 

by andydougan
4-11-02
All your bastard are belong to me!

 

by andydougan
4-12-02
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. My wee boy's a Catholic and he recommended I come here.
The thing is, I can't stop going to confessional booths and beating the priest to death with a hammer.
Especially bald, bespectacled ones.
Mmm...wee boys...sorry, what? Uh, say three Hail Marys.

 

by andydougan
4-13-02
Hey, Dougan, why do you keep making fun of Catholics? Why don't you take a swipe a Protesantism for a change?
I thought that last strip *was* making fun of Protestants. But okay...I'll try a joke about the Orange Order.
Hi. We're thugs.
Doesn't really have the same comedic potential, does it?

 

by andydougan
4-16-02
Well, this is a fine predicament. Things couldn't get any worse.
All right, *now* things couldn't get any worse.
o/` Woooooaah/my loooove/my darling/I've hungered for your touch...
Now my feet itch.

 

by andydougan
4-18-02
So how did the x-ray turn out, doc?
I'm sorry. You're going to die.
NOOOOOOO!!!
Ahuh...ahuh...sob...it's not fair...howl...so much to live for...bawl...
As, of course, are we all.

 

by andydougan
4-18-02
So how did the x-ray turn out, doc?
Great news! You're going to live!
YAHOO!!!
Wa hey hey! What a relief! Ha ha ha ha!
For a few minutes, that is.

 

by andydougan
4-18-02
Hey, Blunkett, you've misspelled "fascism" in this White Paper.
Well, I find that attitude frankly repulsive. Have you forgotten the thousands who died on September 11th?
Remember when these comics used to be funny?
No.

 

by andydougan
4-18-02
David Blunkett, Home Secretary
How dare you question me? Have you forgotten the thousands who died on September 11th?
The thousands who died on September 11th...hmmm...rings a faint bell...no, wait, don't tell me, it's on the tip of my tongue...I know this...I know it...
Hey! Anyone recall the thousands who died on September 11th?
Note to self: resign.

 

by andydougan
4-22-02
A spectre is haunting Europe...
THE SPECTRE OF FASCISM!
Hi! I'm Jean-Marie! I'm so bitter about having a girl's name I've decided to be a Nazi! VIVA LA FRANCE!
Edmund here! I like to dress up in lederhosen and fatigues and parade about like a maniac. And what a coincidence: that's exactly what I am! JOOS VILL NOT BE TOLERATED!
Hey, maybe there's hope for me yet!

 

by andydougan
4-22-02
Iain Duncan Smith, Conservative leader, and David Davis, his sidekick
David! Right-wing is the new apathetic! If this carries on, we might actually win next time!
Shit. I was hoping to take over the party after this nit loses in 2005. I'll have to ruin our chances_somehow.
Er, great! Just to make sure, why don't you go on TV and publicly congratulate Monsieur Le Pen?
That oughta do it.
Oi! What's the big idea? I don't want to be associated with his sort!

 

by andydougan
4-24-02
It hurts so badly...it's almost too painful to talk about. You have no idea what it's like...
Okay, sir, if you'll just answer a few more questions, it'll help us find whoever was responsible for your partner's death.
Okay, I...I suppose so.
Your partner's BRUTAL death, I should say. Your partner's horrific, slow_disembowelment with a rusty trowel, which probably took several torturous hours to kill him.
...I...I...I...
Sergeant, could you fetch the autopsy pictures, please?

 

by andydougan
4-24-02
Mr President, the arms conglomerates have decided it's time for another war. To decide what to call it, we've randomly colligated a coffer-full of nouns.
What's that? Speak English, college boy.
Sigh. You-picky-papery-bits-out-of-big-box.
But I want to go to bed!
Mr Blair said he stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the US in the War Against Isogonals.
Grr! You're either with us or you're with the lines connecting points of simultaneous storm development!

 

by andydougan
4-24-02
I say, I say, I say, how does Yasser Arafat define variables in C?
volatile int ifada!
These Tel Aviv crowds are tough.

 

by andydougan
4-25-02
Greg Dyke, BBC Director-General
Huw, we're short of news for tomorrow's 6pm edition. Get John Pienaar to interview some nobody.
John Pienaar has been missing for over six months.
Damn! What'll we do?
You could always put on yet another Eastenders special, ha ha.
GREAT IDEA!!!

 

by andydougan
4-25-02
Make it these people are in a taxi
It must be pure brilliant bein' Prime Minister, eh, Mister Blair? Whit's it like, eh?
I can't make out a word you're saying.
The missus voted fur ye, like. Ah couldnae be borrd gettin' ma fat erse oot o mah cherr, though...
Er...I LIKE SCOTTISH MOUNTAINS.
Is that boy o' yers still an alky?

 

by andydougan
4-25-02
YES. I...er...I ONCE DROVE PAST BEN LOMOND.
Ah've goat a boay o mah ain. Ah ken a aboot juvenile drinkin' problems, eh?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN BEN LOMOND?
He's called Oscar efter his da. Goes doon the dancin' maist nights, comes back FU-CKIN STEAMIN, know?
IT'S VERY BIG.
Pardon mah French.

 

by andydougan
4-25-02
HOW SILLY OF ME...OF COURSE YOU'LL HAVE SEEN IT.
Main problem's those eccies 'n' that, though, eh? Ah don't want ma boay gettin' intae that shite.
YOU LIVE HERE. YOU MUST HAVE SEEN BEN LOMOND! HA! HA!
Here, that's somethin' you cunts should be sortin' oot. These dealers, like. Scum o' the Earth, by the wey.
We seem to have bridged the language gap easily enough...
You should be makin' laws against um or somethin', know? Those eccies shouldnae be allowed.

 

by andydougan
4-25-02
Uh...just...JUST ANYWHERE AROUND HERE WILL BE FINE.
This'll be you right here, Mister Blair.
Let's see...ah, £42.50...
That comes tae forty-two pound and fifty p, please.
HERE YOU ARE. KEEP THE CHANGE.
Forty-five? Haud on, I'll jist get yer change...

 

by andydougan
4-25-02
THANKS VERY MUCH. BYE NOW!
Take care o' yersel, Mister Blair.
Ah hudnae the hert tae tell him ah voted Sinn Fein...

 

by andydougan
4-25-02
Ha ha! Blair thought I was nothing but a simple-minded prole! Little does he know that I am actually...
...Oscar O'Three, Irish Republican suicide bomber! Banzaaaaiiii!!!
Oops. Maybe I was meant to blow up the taxi while he was actually *in* it...

 

by andydougan
4-28-02
I'm glad "Brass Eye" didn't win a BAFTA! There is absolutely nothing funny about paedophilia!
In that case, why does no one protest about jokes on TV relating to people getting killed? Murder, after all, is surely a graver crime than child molesting.
In fact, I'd say the idea of an old guy paying wee boys to touch him in his "special place" has more inherent comic potential than someone getting murdered.
Gasp! Chatterati!

 

by andydougan
4-28-02
The sperm bank
Hi. I'm here to donate.
No offence, but I don't think we want your sort in the gene pool.
Curses! Now where am I going to get free pornography?
I'll get you some. Then please leave.

 

by andydougan
4-28-02
Andy Dougan, critic, and Russell Crowe, actor
Ha ha, loser. I just scored some free porn and you didn't.
I spent the last two hours having sex with four drugged-up groupies at once.
Maybe so, but that didn't get you free porn, did it?
And one of them was your mother.

 

by andydougan
4-28-02
This is andydougan's four-hundredth comic!
No it's not.
Yes, it is. Due to vague historical records, the popular misconception is that the first comic is that of March 6th, 2001. However, new research suggests that it was actually the fifteenth comic.
So what happened to the fourteen predating it?
Likely they contained some evidence which the powers that be didn't want getting out. You know, regarding the Kennedy assassination and such.
It wasn't just that they were really crap, then?

 

by andydougan
4-30-02
You are charged with killing Damilola Taylor! How do you plead?
Not guilty. We couldn't've done it because we were busy committing other crimes at the time.
Sounds good to me! Not guilty! You're free to go and grace society with your presence once again!
I'm pleased at the verdict, but my sons should never have even been brought to trial! I'll sue! They're no angels but...blah blah...football-daft...etcetera...
In other news...some folks in Greece are sent to gaol for eternity for being anoraks! VINCIT VERITAS!

 

by andydougan
4-30-02
I see those two guys have been acquitted of killing Damilola Taylor, despite the fact that glass found on the soles of their shoes came from the bottle used to kill him.
The really funny thing is that their alibi was that they were stealing mobile phones at the time of the murder.
And since that would probably have gotten them the same sentence, why weren't they just locked up anyway?

 

by andydougan
4-30-02
Ladies and gentlemen...the new President of the United States!
My fellow Americans - corporation tax is too high and we don't spend enough on defence...
I'd feel like my intelligence was being insulted, but the other guy was even worse.

 

by andydougan
5-07-02
Lionel Jospin, former French Prime Minister
I can't believe I'm voting for Chirac. After all my big talk, too.
I can't think of anything more humiliating.
Ya Froggy bashtard. You Eurapo...Europi...people from Europe jusht want to shcrew all our jobs...shteal all our women...I had it all onshe...beautiful wife...wonderful party...world at my feet...
Well, I guess things could be worse.
How...could thingsh...*poshibly* be worshe?

 

by andydougan
5-07-02
I never thought I'd be so pleased to see a criminal re-elected President.
Yeah. Now I know how Israel felt when they had to choose between Sharon and Barak.
I mean, what a choice! An aged, fascist relic who wants out of Europe and hates immigrants...
I know. And Le Pen isn't much cop either.
Groan!

 

by andydougan
5-07-02
The Tories do it again
...and the Englishman replies "Because foreigners are all scum!" HA HA HA HA!!!
Okay...maybe not the most successful gag I've ever told...
Unload the guns.

 

by andydougan
5-08-02
Then
I've been bottling this up for so, so long and I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell you...I've been planning how to do it for weeks and...I...I love you!
Ha! Yeah, whatever, dweeb.
Now
This film is rubbish. And Russell Crowe's acting is execrable. I'd like to shoot him.

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Oh! It's so big! Watch the taps...push it! Harder! Harder!
I want it! I want it now! Give it! Give it to your slut!
YES! FUCK ME, YOU FUCK! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FU
I seriously think it's about time to start considering old folks' homes...

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Okay, see you next time.
Mum? I don't suppose you could let me i...

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
So Russell Crowe was in my house alone with my mother. Well, there must be a reasonable explanation for this.
Neigh.
Yeah, I have my doubts, too...

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Neigh.
Whinny!

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Mum, was that a bear, a horse and Russell Crowe I just saw leaving the house?
Who? Oh, yes. Them. They just, er, stopped by to fix the leak in the bathtub.
I don't know what's worst: that my mother is taking part in orgies with wildlife, that her excuses are so pitiful, or that she's represented by a schoolgirl.
Whoops! Almost slipped in the...er...sealant.

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Since when do A-list Hollywood celebrities and animals perform household chores for members of the public?
Er.
Also, I notice the bath's still leaking.
That's ungulate for you! All thumbs.
In fact, it looks worse for wear than it did before.

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
If those three were just fixing the bath, why is it covered in semen?
Oh, that's a condition the bear has. He ejaculates whenever he fixes baths.
I've never heard of any such condition.
That's why you're a pisspoor tabloid journalist and not a veterinary.
And how does this condition fit in with Russell Crowe pulling up his pants as he was leaving?

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Good horsie. Now, not a word of this to anyone, okay?
Neigh.
And you neither, bear. Heh. Now I know what they mean about "putting the bear claw in the honey pot"!
And how do you account for the cocaine residue on the bathroom mirror?
The horse has a condition. He sneezes cocaine.

Showing page 8.

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