All comics by UnknownEric

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by UnknownEric
4-22-04
True Story.
I'd like to see Consumer Reports.
Sure, would you like to see the most recent issue?
HUH?
Would you like to see the newest issue?
to be continued in part two...
WHAT?
THE. NEWEST. ISSUE. Would you like to see it?

 

by UnknownEric
4-22-04
I don't know what you're talking about.
What issue of Consumer Reports would you like to see?
I can't understand your questions.
Fine. Here's the newest issue we have.
I wanted the one with vacuum cleaners.
*clunk*

 

by UnknownEric
4-22-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
And I think this is a first, ladies and gentlemen, as someone is currently pissing into the Yankees dugout...
Ahhhhh....

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
Mr. Powell, is it true that you don't get along with the vice president?
That's nonsense. When we're alone, it's just Colin and Dick.
*snicker snicker snicker*
What?
What's so funny?
DID SOMEBODY SAY "COLON AND DICK?"

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
That's right! There'll be no need for the obscenity filter on Eric's stuff any longer.
From this moment on, Eric has sworn off swearing... cursed off cursing...
No more fucks or cocks or cunts or assholes...
...no more shits or tits or cornholes or twats...
But plenty of wangs...
...AND dongs...

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
Good morning.
Is there anything I can help you with?
In that case, would you mind greatly fucking off?

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
Can you say "Hemi?"
Hemi!
Can you spell "Hemi?"
H-E-M-I!
Good, cause daddy can't spell because he never made it out of the fourth grade.
Jeez, what a surprise... I almost couldn't tell. Did your short bus have a hemi?

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
Jeez, Liz, what are you doing? Are you trying to suggest a man should care about something other than the fact he needs an oversized engine to compensate for a small willie?
I'm just showing Little Billy our new Dur-ain-goh.
What did you just say?
Dur-ain-goh.
Say it one more time and it will no longer be a crime to kill you...
Dur-ain-goh!

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
"...with rings in their bellies and ears..."
Did they just say "rings in their bellies?"
"...cause it's one, two, three nights a week... my bros and beer!"
Did they just say "my bros?"
That made me feel slightly better, now to murder the ad exec who created that.

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
Honey, did you eat my last Lean Pocket?
Holy crap. Am I that big of a dumbass that I (a) didn't notice the different label design AND the significantly different taste and (b) that I just indiscriminately eat things that aren't mine?
Uhhh... no, I haven't seen them anywhere.
Then what's that sauce all around your mouth?
YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!!! NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!!!!

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...
Can I help you?
Yes, you're my grocer. A commercial told me I will find Eggo Waffles in your freezer.
*SLAM*

 

by UnknownEric
4-23-04
Yeah, I know... I couldn't actually FIND any characters that looked like Scott Ian...
Shit, fuck, Satan, death, sex, drugs, rape... these seven words you're trying to take!!!
Dude, you can just toggle the filter 'off.'
Never mind, then.
See ya round.

 

by UnknownEric
4-27-04
So what people are available for my development team?
Well, there's Penelope Butts, Willie Gaylord, and Richard Secks...
I'd like to have Secks.
Umm... well, I'm flattered, but I hardly think it's appropriate...
No, no, no... on the team! I'd like to have Secks on the team.
Whoa, now, I'm not into that kinky stuff.

 

by UnknownEric
4-29-04
Do you remember all of the soft rock singer-songwriter hits of the 1970s?
Unfortunately, we all do. That's why we personally murdered all the living artists who created it!
And for the next 30 minutes, you can watch exciting footage of the gruesome deaths of such stars as James Taylor, Cat Stevens, and Dan Fogelberg.
John Denver's not only thankin' God he's a country boy, he's thankin' God he's dead so he didn't have to be savagely bludgeoned to death by us!
We of course spared Joni Mitchell and Carole King, but only because they're fairly cool.
And Paul Simon, because that short little weasel kept getting away...

 

by UnknownEric
4-29-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
I should have listened to my agent. I said, "Noooo... I'm not doing the Apprentice. TOBOR is above reality TV..."
There there. You can still get on "The Swan."

 

by UnknownEric
4-29-04
Where am I? Ehh, I appear to be in some underground bunker. And from the newspaper conveniently laying on the floor, I'd say it's in Berlin.
Why is my shlong on the ground. Why... it's killed itself!
Oh, the lack of irony!

 

by UnknownEric
5-01-04
Let's see what's in the inbox. "I need a death orbit for Betty Humpter 12-2-1893."
Let me see... *typing* "Dear Sir, if I knew what the fuck a 'death orbit' was, maybe I could help you."
*typing* "Learn to spell, asshole, and then get back to us."

 

by UnknownEric
5-01-04
Today we'll each talk about something we saw recently that symbolized our feelings on life. Let's start with you, Kathy.
Well, I saw a baby bird struggling to take flight before it finally soared into the sky.
That's great! How about you, Steve?
I saw a dog who looked all mangy, but he came over to me and rubbed against me and I petted him. He was a sweet dog.
Wonderful! And Eric?
I saw a squirrel eating a dead bird.

 

by UnknownEric
5-01-04
*typing* "New library policy: Beginning now, the following types of people are no longer allowed to ask questions."
*typing* "Adult learners and education students."
*typing* "Our advice to you is to give it up and drop out of school, as you're too stupid to be there in the first place. Thank you for your cooperation."

 

by UnknownEric
5-01-04
I'm looking for Baltimore Magazine. I don't see it on the shelf.
That is held in our Maryland Department.
*tck* Do you even KNOW what I asked you for?
Yes. Baltimore Magazine. Which is not here. So if you want to read it and not stand here like a retarded giraffe, I'd suggest you get your ass to the Maryland Department.
Well I never.
Maybe you should start.

 

by UnknownEric
5-01-04
And he was going to go swimming, so I just said, "That's so gay."
That's an amazing ability you have.
Huh?
The ability to determine the sexuality of a concept. Who knew that "swimming" enjoyed sex with its own gender before you came along.
Dude, you suck.
Ah, that is not true. I lick.

 

by UnknownEric
5-03-04
Yeah, I killed the bitch, because, like you, she asked me too many fucking questions.
Prosecution rests.

 

by UnknownEric
5-03-04
Backstage at the Jenny Jones show...
Well Jenny, your ratings are in the crapper and the studio is thinking of shutting the show down.
Oh no, what will I do? This is what I was born to do.
Well, there is ONE way you might be able to boost your ratings.
Anything!
Today on the Jenny Jones show, our topic is "wardrobe malfunctions..."
w00t!

 

by UnknownEric
5-04-04
We've replaced the fresh-brewed coffee in the teachers' lounge with Folgers Crystals. Let's see how they react.
God, another day dealing with these spoiled stupid children. If I don't have my coffee, I think I'll go postal.
That's right! This coffee better be good or I'm going to hurt somebody!
"They'll never know the difference!" Great plan, Einstein!

 

by UnknownEric
5-05-04
Hey. What's up.
Nothin'.
So, what do you think about the possible marriage amendment.
Man, I don't think it's the government's business to define morals.
Aha! It is me, John Ashcroft!
pWned!

 

by UnknownEric
5-05-04
I got it! I got it! I figured out a foolproof way to get Bush out of office!
Oh God. What is it?
Well, when Nader ran as an unabashed leftist last election, some people felt he siphoned off votes from Gore. So I'll run as a cartoonish conservative and siphon Bush's support!
Let's hear your campaign platform.
Okay, for starters, everybody who isn't white, Christian and pro-life will get deported to Mexico.
Good thing I speak Spanish.

 

by UnknownEric
5-07-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
It's not gonna suck itself, y'know.
*SWOON*

 

by UnknownEric
5-07-04
Hey.
Hey.
I hear you're an unstoppable sex machine. Is that true?
Would you like to find out?
No.
Dammit.

 

by UnknownEric
5-07-04
I can't find the International Journal of Really Obscure Fiberoptics on your shelf!
We don't carry that journal.
Why the hell not?
Because we have an incredibly shrinking budget and we'd rather spend it on journals people might actually use more than once a century.
But I really really want it...
Excuse me while I make the universal "whacking off" gesture with my hand.

 

by UnknownEric
5-10-04
Man I can't wait to go on vacation.
Where you going?
Reno.
I once shot a man who asked for articles about Reno just to watch him die.
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?

 

by UnknownEric
5-10-04
Somebody told me that you're an unstoppable sex machine.
I sure am.
In what way?
I never stop begging for sex.

 

by UnknownEric
5-10-04
I need this article from the "Journal of the Society of Southwest Nigerian Microbiology."
I'm sorry, we don't carry that.
Oh, but you'll be getting it in soon, right?
No. We don't carry that journal at all.
Oh my God, what kind of library is this?
The kind that exists in the real world and not the magical sha-la-la land of fairies and obscure texts you have in your mind.

 

by UnknownEric
5-10-04
Can you clean the guinea pigs' cage?
In a minute, hon. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto.
Why do you like that stupid game so much?
Because, unlike in real life, I can open fire into a crowd of library patrons anytime I want, or hurl a molotov cocktail at politicians cutting our budget.
Wait a minute... library patrons? Budget cutting politicians?
I like to assign meaning to my quarry.

 

by UnknownEric
5-11-04
Oh, Wink Martindale, game show host supreme / I'd pay a hundred dollars to watch you pose and preen
you asked me to bend over, but I said "no thanks" / I'm saving my anal virginity for Mister Bob Eubanks
Alex Trebek, I see you're back to get inside my pants / but every time I tell you no, you do the Hammer dance
And your other annoying tendency that I forgot to mention / is that when I moan your name in bed, you say, "Put it in the form of a question"
And now I fade into the night / but before I get off track
I just got fifty dollars to go blow Pat Sajak

 

by UnknownEric
5-14-04
And now we have a very special guest tonight on the Late Show... here to perform her comeback single, "Bitch Betta Git Down," here's Debbie Gibson!
Me and my hizzomies / down at the liquor store / gonna rob a 7-11 / then use me like a whore...
The news is goin' all over town / Debbie's back, so bitch you betta get down!

 

by UnknownEric
5-17-04
In Larry Flynt's office.
Boss, Playboy kicked our ass with the "Girls of Enron" issue and now they're doing "Girls of Home Depot." Do we have a plan to fight back?
Do we! Are you sittin' down? "The Girls of Stripcreator." Attitudechicka, little_kitty, ivytheplant, NooniePuuBunny, nicejohnson, etc. etc. etc. It's a goldmine!
Umm, have any of them said yes yet?
Just one. A miss... umm... kajun_firefly. That's an odd name for a girl...
At the photo shoot.
CUNT! *flop*
That's a hell of a clitoris you got there, Miss Firefly.

 

by UnknownEric
5-17-04
Hey. What are you doing for Father's Day this year.
I'm taking my dad to the ballgame and then a nudie bar. How about you?
I was born out of wedlock and don't know my father.
You BASTARD.

 

by UnknownEric
5-18-04
Thank you, thank you. Before I begin tonight, I have an announcement to make.
I've recently decided on a huge change in musical style.
From this moment on, I will no longer suck monkey ass.

 

by UnknownEric
5-19-04
CHINESE
Yeah, uhh, I'd like the "sucky sucky fie dollah special" please.
SPANISH
Dude, where are the burritos?
MIDDLE EASTERN
Does the Justice Department know about this little operation?

 

by UnknownEric
5-20-04
True story.
Oh my, there are balls all over the floor!
Don't step on those big balls!
I have no idea what's going on, but, nonetheless, I can't stop laughing.
There are balls all over my shoes now!

 

by UnknownEric
5-27-04
Adam17: Dear Jesus, you're the only one I can turn to with this question, because I'm ashamed.
Adam17: I'm 17 y.o. and I've never even kissed a girl. Is there something wrong with me? Am I so ugly I'll be alone forever? Help me! Signed, Adam.
JCAuto: OMGWTFLOL!11! Ur 17 & n3v3r evn g0t a hAnd j0b?!? Haha u sux0rs! U must b a fagit! Luv, JC.

 

by UnknownEric
5-29-04
...and... ACTION!
I'm G-Dubya and I approve this muthafuckin' message.
Zup, dawg. Y'hear John Kerry want ta outlaw da bling?
Forill, yo? I just gots myself a new gol' chain, yo.
Bush/Cheney 04. Democrats ain't shit.
Ya better vote fo' G-Dubya then, G. He da choice of da get-toe!
Word. And I hear he gots mad flow on da mic too!

 

by UnknownEric
6-02-04
Author's Note: Yes, I know it's a bee. Bear with me.
Oh no, that man just stole my purse!
Sounds like a job for Cicada Man.
BZZZZ... *THUNK*
Did you get my purse?
No, but I think that stop sign likes me...

 

by UnknownEric
6-02-04
Michael Ian Black on five minutes ago.
Remember when UnknownEric made that "Cicada Man" comic?
BZZZZ... *THUNK*
That was cool.

 

by UnknownEric
6-02-04
Hermione, how nice to see you out for a walk on such a lovely day.
Cram it, Potter. I have needs. And I'm through with being shy about it. You need to give it to me.
Give what to you, Hermione.
Do I have to show you, Potter?
Oh my! There's magic happening in my trousers!
Shazam!

 

by UnknownEric
6-02-04
Hello and welcome to PenetrationMania 2004! I'm Dick Gently here with my co-host, The American Splooge.
This is going to be a great night of sucking and fucking, Dick. I'm glad to be here to witness it.
In our first match, we have Sally McMinge versus Ron Jeremy in an "anal blowout" match.
That's right, Dick. I think we'll see some hard fucking in that one.
And in the Oral Class, we have a tag-team match of eight men vs. Natasha Suxx.
I'm glad we're behind plastic for that match, Dick.

 

by UnknownEric
6-03-04
Ahh, Fine Arts and Recreation. No more dealing with half-witted Education majors who can barely use a computer... no more insane homeless people leaving huge piles of Vibe Magazine on the floor...
Hi, can I help you?
Yeah, can you find me the lyrics for "Bitches Ain't Shit?"
Are you crying?

 

by UnknownEric
6-03-04
If you're havin' squirrel problems, I feel bad for ya son...
Hey!
I got 99 pastries but a knish ain't one...
Wait, I think something's off there.

 

by UnknownEric
6-03-04
Coming to you live from Fort Dix, I'm Chris Berman here with Mel Kiper Jr. as ESPN brings you the 2005 Military Draft. What do you think the Army will do with the top pick, Mel?
Well, their scouts say they're high on a kid from West Virginia named Cletus Yokelius, who supposedly has great marksmanship abilities and can run a 4.1 40.
Let's go to the podium as the Army makes their selection.
First, I'd like to thank Fort Dix for the great hospitality they've shown. With the first pick in the draft, the Army selects Walter McMillan from Casper, Wyoming.
Wow, that's a shocker, Chris. McMillan has a great vertical leap, but can't hit the side of a barn.
*GULP*

 

by UnknownEric
6-04-04
A Sale of Two Titties
How much?
Fifty dollars.
Oliver Twisted
That's it! You need a spanking!
Please, sir, may I have some more?
David Coppafeel
Can I touch 'em, Dora?
No!

Showing page 9.

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