All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

This whole singing penis thing is going to get you in trouble, so I'm going to do you a favor and take it off riiiiiiiiiight NOW!
No! Not my singing penis. It can't be gone! Quick, someone ring a bell!
*ding*
♫ Play that funky music white boy. Play that funky music right. Play that funky music white boy. Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die till you die. ♫
See? I told you that my singing penis has prevailed!
To be honest, that was just me practicing my ventriloquisim.

 

Why did you take away my penis?!
I only took away the singing part of it.
So what does this mean? Am I done? Are you going to turn me back into a slug or maybe something even more disgusting like Roseanne?
I really didn't expect you to turn Charlie Sheen around. I was looking for effort. So I have no intentions of punishing you...
Great! Thanks! Bye!
...for that. Wait! You missed the part where I'm planning to run your testicles through a grape press if you go back to your old ways!

 

I can't believe I'm trying to outrun God after I decided to stop helping a crazy drug addicted man.
And to add to it, I'm desperately trying to suppress my urges to have sex with children.
Holy shit! I've become a Republican Congressman!

 

So I said, "He won't go down on you? You should call him the 'Headless Horseman'"!
What? Nothing? No smile? No rimjob?
Don't you mean "rim shot"?
Only if you won't do the other one.

 

Gotta keep moving. Gotta stay one step ahead of God. Need to find a place where there are just a bunch of animals away from large cities.
This farm looks promising. Wonder in the farmer here would be dumb enough to hide me for a while.
Well now ain't you the ugliest little farm cat I ever did see?
Meow?

 

We'll fix you up with a little bed back here behind the barn, kitty.
*purr*
We'll bring you milk and some tuna later, but first we need to make Bob Barker happy and get rid of your little kitty balls.
Rawr?
Was that my cue pa?

 

Here we go kitty. Time to take off your nads.
Listen, Jethro, I'm not a farm cat, I'm a monkey.
So we're not removing your little kitty balls?
Not on your life you backwards hillbilly freak.
So we're making a banana split instead!
Oh shit. Shoulda laid off the hillbilly reference.

 

Get gack here ya little monkey and let me finish off yer balls!
Wow! That farm cat sure can climb like a monkey.
That's cuz he is a monkey pa!
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Now that's a horse of a different color!
That fucking farmer better start getting his animal analogies straight!
As long as he keeps mistaking the pig for me, then me and my asshole will be just fine.

 

Sales are down Smith. We have a lot filled of shitty broken down cars that people are too smart to buy. Your job is to weed through the dumb ones.
Here at Clark Motors, we believe that a verbal contract is not worth the paper it's printed on.
Makes sense to me.
Then have I got the car for you!

 

Welcome to Top Chef.
Damn!
Padma just came out in a bikini.
And I just came in my pants.

 

Oh yes! Give it to me! Faster! Faster!
HAPPY NATIONAL "AWKWARD MOMENT DAY"!!!
What the hell, mom? Can't you see I'm busy? Get out of my bedroom now!
Soooooo, is she gonna join us or what?

 

You're a monkey and not a farm cat.
That's right. I'm looking for a place to hang out for a little while.
Well, you can stay here as long as you pull your weight.
I'll do anything. I just ask that I not be around children.
You want to be around children? Great! We'll put you in the petting zoo.
Stupid old people and their hearing loss.

 

How big are your holes?
Excuse me?
Your holes. How big are they?
Big enough to handle your little dick!
Well, I've never fucked a gauged ear piercing before, but if you're up for it...

 

You yellow livered varmint! You've been cheatin' at cards!
Prove it!
I went through the cards and found three extra aces.
So maybe I had a few extra aces. What of it?
I just wanted to know where you kept 'em.
In my ace hole of course!

 

Happy national "Goof Off Day!" Donald. What are you going to do today?
I was going to relax with my Hustler magazine but I can't find it.
Where's Goofy?
He's been in the bathroom for the last hour.
Hey Goofy, what 'cha doing in there?
H'yuk! Just goofin' off Mick!

 

Who lives in a nursing home, over on Spree?
Sponge-boob Diaper-pants!
Cranky, forgetful and gripy is she!
Sponge-boob Diaper-pants!
Sponge-boob Diaper-pants! Sponge-boob- - - Hey Doc, if you're planning to stick me with that happy juice, you can stick it in your ass instead!
Now, now. Let's not get so crabby, Patty.

 

Look, old timer, I appreciate the offer, but just can't be around kids right now.
I get it. They can be little hell bastards. No problem. The petty zoo won't even open for another two months. We'll just have you do other chores around here.
Finally! A life free of temptation.
I just ask one thing...
Just don't fuck my daughter.

 

My poor baby. Shot to death in his own home!
What happened here?
He got up for a late night snack and my husband mistook him for a burglar and shot him.
Well, he looks like a pretty chunky boy. It seems to me like your boy needed a Twinkie like he needed another hole in his head.
What? Too soon?

 

...and give her big tits!
Got it.
With huge pointy nipples.
Pointy nipples. Check!
I'm sorry Jamal, but I'm not going to let you anywhere near the blackboard.
Ah, Ms. Jones! Don't chalk block me!

 

So, I'm hanging out on a farm and the farmer has told me I can do whatever I want except fuck his beautiful daughter.
That's about right.
Dear--
If you say "Dear Penthouse Forum" I'm gonna squash your nut sack in a vice.
That would make my letter submission fall into a completely different category.

 

What's your fortune say?
"A good life brings wrinkles."
That's not much of a fortune. More like a clever statement.
I know. I've lived a good life and life has not sent any wrinkles my way. Let's get outta here.
Hey big boy. Wanna party?

 

I'll stay away from you the whole time I'm here to avoid the temptation.
Are you seriously scared of my dad?
Kinda. I'm also scared of what I'd do given a chance with that sweet ass of yours.
To bad. I've been known to blow the minds of many a fella with just my tongue and a bottle of chocolate syrup.
Are you God?
I see my reputation has preceded me.

 

Yo, Pollyanna! Word on the street sez you's polyamorous. Wat's dat mean? You a Mormon now?
No. I just believe that you can have more than one intimate relationship at a time as long as everyone knows.
Damn! I guess me and my brothas all be polyamorous an we didn't even know. How 'bout you meet all us guys behind the 7-11 in half an hour?
What a generous offer, but I'm going to pass.
Right now, Polly wanna cracker.

 

You're polyamorous? What does that mean? "Many Sexual"?
No dad. It means--
So it's more than bi? You have sex with men? Women? Transgendered? Chickens? *sob*
Don't cry daddy. I know you must be upset.
*sob* I'm not upset. I'm jealous. I've been married 40 years and for the last five I've only had sex with myself.

 

I don't care what you say Pollyanna, I'm not going to mom and dad's for dinner ever again.
Just tell me why.
It always the same thing. "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" "When can we expect grandchildren?" "You're not getting any younger."
Oh. Problems with men.
I have five or six extras you can pick from if it helps.

 

So what are we going to do for Spring Break?
I thought we could act like the Scooby Doo gang and travel around solving mysteries.
Well, you do look like Shaggy.
And you could be Velma!
Why, because my orange sweater accentuates my man tits, or because I once cradled your balls.
I was going to say it was because you are a nerd and you have the glasses for it, but the rest holds true as well.

 

So have you found a mystery for us to solve yet?
There is an unsolved murder at the Henson house over in the next county.
That sounds perfect.
We can head over and be there by tonight.
Eww. Is that a picture of the victim?
No. I'm just uploading a video of your mother participating in German shit porn.

 

Tell me again why we're doing this for our vacation?
Because it will be fun. As the Velma character, you'll get the satisfaction of solving the crime, and as the Shaggy character I'll get to fuck a girl like Daphne.
But Shaggy doesn't fuck Daphne.
Then who does he fuck?
Across town...
Why did I just feel a creepy shiver run through my butthole?

 

This is messed up. I'm walking through the spooky house and he's no where to be found.
AGGGHHHH!!!
Shit! I just saw a ghost!
That was no ghost. I had lured the next door neighbor girl into bed and she ran off with the bedsheets on her head.
I thought you said you were going to go eat something.
Duh.

 

Come here little girl. I'm not going to hurt you. Let's just take off that bedsheet.
Oh shit. You're really the killer.
Yep.
And I bet you now plan to anal rape me and then kill my limp defenseless body.
I wasn't at first, but you bring up an interesting scenario.

 

Dude? Where are you?
Down here.
What the hell happened?
Long story. You must avenge my death.
Avenge your death. Got it.
Oh, and send him some flowers first. Best lover I ever had.

 

Um, about that avenge your death thing...
Yeah?
I'm gonna have to pass. Nina would really like to get back on the road and do some more stuff before our vacation ends.
Nina?
Get your rock hard cock back in the van before I dump you for the guy in the hockey mask!

 

I, Steve Jobs, plan to take the Apple brand to every corner of society.
That's why Apple is proud to announce that we will be introducing a line of prison inmates we call...
"the iCon."
Get on your knees and suck my dick, bitch!
You're gonna need an app for that.

 

So for all of your Apple needs, we offer a place to put your iPhone, iPad, and iPod. We call it the "iRack".
So you American swine admit that you have stolen my land and are now selling it off piece by piece!
For Allah!
So, did you want the extended warranty with that?

 

Adolph Hitler is still alive. I slept with her last night.
Come out from behind that false moustache,
Adolph I know you're in there.
If you would just open the damn door, then we could talk about this, asshole!

 

Daddy, did Jesus have to be a man?
Damn skippy sweet 'ums.
Why couldn't he have been a girl?
It's cuz men get 'er done right the first time.
What's that mean?
If Jesus were a girl she would have bled for our sins every 28 days.

 

I'm just concerned that if your father finds us down here, he'll think something is going on and then kill me.
Don't worry so much about that ol' coot. He's more of a sexual deviant than I am.
Tell me more.
I don't think there's an animal on this farm he hasn't raped.
No, I meant tell me more about you being a sexual deviant.

 

Really? You would do all those things to me in bed?
Yeah. An ' that's just with a ridin' crop. Of course it will never happen seein' as you won't stand up to daddy.
Are you kidding? I'll make sure he never rapes another farm animal again!
You sir may not pass! You will not impose your sexual will on these unsuspecting sheep ever again!
Hey! Quit flock blocking me, Monkey!

 

Hey buddy, I'm going to go get some popcorn and a soda. Save my seat.
I don't know you. Save your own damn seat.
I think I will.
I said save it, not mark it!
Oh, this isn't for the seat...

 

That was a great meal. I'd like to get a to go box to take the rest home.
But we're heading to the grocery store first. Are you sure you want your food sitting in the car for over an hour?
We'll be buying milk and ice cream. We could just put the to go box up next to something cold.
Soooooo, you're going to keep the to go box between your legs?

 

I think it's great that the church is having a garage sale to send the youth to camp.
It sure is. See anything you're interested in?
How much are the candles?
$320 each.
Why?
Minimum wage is $8 an hour so it's $320 a wick.

 

I'm here interviewing trees on how they feel about Arbor Day.
Arbor Day is the most wonderful day of the year. Especially when you are surrounded by loved ones as I am.
Being Jamaican on Arbor Day is very nice as all the young saplings know who got the biggest coconuts, mon!
Arbor Day sucks when you're all alone like I am. I sometimes wish I could just die!
I got one over here, Charlie! We can chop it down and use it to make more Valentine's Day cards!

 

Ok. Here it is. "Thelma and Louise 2"!
I don't know. There needs to be a catch. A hook.
How 'bout "Thelma and Louise 2: The Post-Menopausal Years"!
Say, you might have something there. I kinda like it.
I'll do it! I've been quite tired of financing period films anyway.

 

Hey, mister? Are those chaps assless?
They sure are son. But I don't call 'em that.
What do you call them?
The world's first mullet.
Why?
Business in the front and party in the back.

 

I'll take a pound of the ground pork and a package of the kielbasa.
Would you like a sack for your sausage?
Sure.
Great. The banana hammocks are on aisle 3.

 

Just got this great book about Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T.
Why the hell would Chuck Norris fight a talking horse?
You're thinking of Mr. Ed.
You're right! I love that guy. Especially when he would sit on the couch with his hand in his pants and yell at his wife Peg.
Now you're thinking of Ed O'Neill on Married With Children.
No. I doubt seriously that Doogie Howser would ever have his hand down his pants.

 

Doogie Howser was not played by Ed O'Neill. He was played by Neil Patrick Harris.
How would an astronaut of his caliber have time to shoot a sitcom?
I wasn't talking about Neil Armstrong you idiot.
You mean that poor bicycle bastard with one testicle?
No, that's Lance Armstrong.
Really? Do you think Guinevere had a problem with him being a one balled bastard?

 

Guinevere was not married to Lance Armstrong. She was with Sir Lancelot.
She must have had a big butt, cuz you know how much he liked big butts.
That's Sir Mix-A-Lot, moron.
Do you think he wrote "Baby Got Back" when that apple fell on his head?
That apple fell on Sir Isaac Newton's head!
It did? I wonder if a white guy threw the apple and that's why he started the Black Panthers.

 

Isaac Newton did not start the Black Panthers. Huey Newton started the Black Panthers.
That's right! With help from his Uncle Donald and Uncle Scrooge.
Now you're thinking of Huey, Dewy, and Louie.
Didn't Huey start a band called "the News?"
No, that was Huey Lewis.
Could have sworn he made a song called "I Want a New Duck."

 

Weird Al made the parody "I Want a New Duck" from the song "I Want a New Drug" by Huey Lewis.
Weird Al made fun of a song by that crazy chick in "Natural Born Killers?"
No. He did not make fun of a song by Juliette Lewis.
Thank god! That chick is psycho. I mean when she took that potion to make it seem she was dead, just to be with her forbidden lover. That's some messed up shit.
That wasn't Juliette Lewis. That was Juliet from Romeo and Juliet.
That makes sense. I think I'd fake my death too if I had to be in love with a little black kid who sang poorly written raps about basketball.

Showing page 9.

« Previous Next »