All comics by NekoNiku

Profile

 

by NekoNiku
2-14-01
I felt sorry for myself for having AOL
You've got mail!
until I met a man
Goodbye!
who had WebTV.
Look deeply into my tiny, blotchy porthole, hapless victim!

 

by NekoNiku
2-14-01
Arf!
Arf!
Arf!
That collection of Martha Stewart gift baskets is rightfully MINE!

 

by NekoNiku
2-14-01
WebTV user
UNSCRIBE ME NOW YOU MOREONS MY MAILBOZ IS FUL
This almost makes me miss ALF.
AOL user
Take me off you're email list or I'll Sue you for ever penny your worth!
Cheeze the pr0n! It's the missus!
Internet cafe user
...and I'm 16 and I have on my frilliest dress. And LOTS of makeup...
Oh, please, PLEASE spill espresso in me and put an end to my suffering!

 

by NekoNiku
2-14-01
Hi! I'm Ian!
And I'm Philip!
We're trying to decide who hates you stupid ignoramuses the most! I think it's me!
No, it's me!
There! See? I hate you the most!
Hold it, pal! My kung-fu is the greatest!

 

by NekoNiku
2-14-01
Hi. I'm David Boreanaz. You may recognize me as TV's "Angel".
I also played the part of Adam Carr in this winter's blockbuster flop slasher movie that wasn't scary "Valentine".
I wouldn't recognize a good script if it bit me on the ass. Would someone please put me out of my agent's misery?
I'll ring when I'm damn well READY to ring, O man of great and spiky hair with gel!

 

by NekoNiku
2-14-01
Goyra, I think you're cool and I really want to jump your bones right now!
What does "cool" mean in this...
...I mean...
I think you're pretty cool yourself!

 

by NekoNiku
2-15-01
So how'd you become a hooker anyway, Janie?
Well, you know, I'm a real people person. Nothing pleases me more than making men happy. And the money's a LOT better than my job as a bank teller.
That's very noble!
I don't know why my high school guidance counselor didn't recommend prostitution as a career, except he was such a wuss.
So it's working out well for you, I guess.
Plus my daddy helped by always calling me "WHORE" when he beat me!

 

by NekoNiku
2-15-01
...and when my shiruken pierced his throat, the gushing----- What?
Hold up, sister! How come you always get to do the talking?
I thought you were interested. Why didn't you say anything? Do you need an engraved invitation?
Girl, get over yourself. You wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.
Perhaps my pyrokinetic skills will be more up your proverbial alley!
Damn!

 

by NekoNiku
2-15-01
...and that's when I
Shh! Gaijin!

 

by NekoNiku
2-15-01
Kim!
Eugene!
I didn't know you were into cosplay!
*sigh* I'm not...

 

by NekoNiku
2-15-01
Hi Kim!
Hi Kathleen!
Still wasting people's time with those stupid cartoons you don't even draw yourself?
Uh, kinda.
I knew he was stupid but jeez, he's ugly too!
I have some other hobbies, too. Want to see my Pez collection?

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
It's my favorite show!
Previously on "Ollie: Network Administrator", Ollie was fending off a virus attack!
Ollie! Why are you so mean? I opened that e-mail attachment to see the dancing naked elf women and now my PC's all infected! I hate you!
I do and I do and I do for these kids and this is the thanks I get...
This is the good part.
Damn you, Ollie! You stabbed me dead with a letter opener! Aagh!

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
Another avoidable crisis for Ollie...
Ollie! My Internet is broken! I can't get to my e-mail!
I'm sorry but I don't remember your name. Who are you, anyway?
I'm Tony! I started working here two hours ago!
Gee, when nobody tells me about new people, I don't magically know they're here! I guess I haven't suddenly developed ESP!
You're mean! I hate you! When are you going to set up my Internet?
I can do it right now! Just hold still and don't scream, okay?

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
Another in a continuing series of avoidable crises...
Ollie! The boss told me to tell you his thing's not working again and you need to fix it!
His "thing"? Could you be a little less specific? Anyway, I'm fresh outta Viagra.
That's not funny! When he came back to his desk it was all dark! He doesn't know how to get out of it?
I still don't get it. Did he have an out-of-body experience or something?
He was trying to print out a picture of Anna Kournikova and it seized up on him!
Now I understand! This is nothing I can't fix with my little hammer. Heeeere, bossy, bossy, bossy! Ollie's got a treat for you!

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
It's not what it does; it's what it cost!
Ollie! Mr. Smith told me to tell you it's an emergency! Drop everything!
That's the third "emergency" this morning! What is it this time?
You need to order 10 copies of DataMuntz 2000 so the sales department can look at his presentation!
Why can't I just download the free DataMuntz Viewer if all they need to do is look at it?
Ridiculous! That wouldn't cost nearly enough money!
It's hammer time, y'all!

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
A very needy user calls Ollie from home, trying to get help installing his kids' Princess Pony game on his home computer...
Brrrring!
Brrrring!
Brrrring!
Caller ID is my bestest friend!

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
...and that's why it's not a good idea to put Napster on your PC at work!
I hate you! You're mean!
Look, if you want it on your home PC, that's your choice but here at work---- Where'd he go?
This is not going as well as I hoped...
Okay, how about now? Can I put Napster on my PC now, mister smarty-pants computer guy who I hate?

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
Ollie is accused of holding out on his users!
Now that I have a cable modem, I can watch Ollie in streaming video form!
Why can't I have a new PC? My old one is OLD!
I'd love to order a new computer for you but management won't spend the money! I'm really sorry!
If that's true, how come Jerry got to order a whole new box of paper clips just yesterday? 'Splain me that, Ollie!
Must... drive... out... faulty... logic...
I hate you! You're mean! I'm telling Hazel you're just plain cheap.

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
Why do you think they call it "Work"?
Ollie! My Internet's broken! I can't get through to my chat buddies on AOL!
They made me block Instant Messaging 'cause people were wasting too much time on that stuff. I'm really sorry.
But my girlfriend'll be mad at me! We've been chatting all day every day for the past few weeks and now I can't!
Why don't you do what I do: work while you're at work and chat on the Internet when you get home at night!
I don't want to pay my own money to chat on the Internet! That's why I come to work every day!
You want to know who moved your cheese? *I* moved your damn cheese!

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
It's a well-known fact that the Internet breaks a LOT these days...
Ollie! My Internet's broken! Fix it now!
Broken, huh? What symptoms are you seeing?
I sent my 30-page presentation to the printer down the hall TEN TIMES and it hasn't printed yet!
Did you check to see if the printer was out of paper?
I hate you! You're mean!
Don't forget to put your nine wasted print jobs in the recycling bin, okay?

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
The Internet suffers another breakdown...
Hey, Jeff, what's going on?
Ollie! My Internet's broken! My computer's all crazy, typing on its own! Fix it now!
Is there anything laying on the keyboard, like a pizza box or anything?
--oh--
I almost never have to leave my office anymore.
I hate you! You're mean! This'll show you!

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
Two of similar profession have meeting in bar of western-ness.
Greetings, associate!
Greetings!
They discussion for departure infestigation.
As for me, confinement is felt immediately.
The indoors, it is not the freshest atmosphere I must have.
Returned to familiar environs, they do.
I experience immense improvement forthwith.
Thusly, also, for me!

 

by NekoNiku
2-16-01
Welcome to Zupa Burger! May I have your order, please?
Yes, I'd like a Super Zupa, no ketchup, and a chocolate shake.
Do you want fries with that?
I dunno... What would Jesus do?
Uh-oh...
Just get the damn fries already and leave me alone, okay?

 

by NekoNiku
2-19-01
Whenever I get in a tight spot, I think to myself "What would Cthulu do?"
You were saying?
Let me rephrase that.

 

by NekoNiku
2-19-01
Every time I find myself in a difficult situation, I ask myself "What would Jesus do?"
No! No! No! I just don't believe it! Can't you put more feeling into it? Okay, let's try it one more time.
Every time I find myself in a difficult situation, I ask myself "What would Jesus do?"
Perfect! Okay, let's roll tape and do it again just like that. Lights! Camera! Action!
Every time I find myself in a difficult situation, I ask myself "What would Jesus do?"
Cut! That's a keeper!

 

by NekoNiku
2-19-01
So then I said to her, I says "All your base are belong to us!"
Alright!
Heh heh heh...
And then what happened?
First you gotta tell me: that's a sex thing with you youngsters, right?
I gotta remember to fill out that Living Will...

 

by NekoNiku
2-19-01
Are you sure you're not watching The Playboy Weather Channel? 'Cause the only blonde I remember seeing on the *actual* Weather Channel is Kristina Abernathy!
What about Kim Perez?
Brunette with highlights. Maybe you downloaded some PhotoShop crap where they put Savannah's head on Kim Perez's body?
No! I'm sure they're all blondes!
You've been like this ever since they played Coltrane that one time instead of their normal fake jazz.
They pulled the camera back and I could see Sharon's knees!

 

by NekoNiku
2-19-01
Okay, so I sold you my soul for a bigtime motion picture career but I've yet to see cent one!
Patience, my dear. I've got something in the works that'll knock your socks off!
Like what? It's time to put up or shut up, buddy!
I've got you on the inside track to star with Adam Sandler in "Three's Company: The Motion Picture"
I want my soul back.
And then when you're 80, "Golden Girls: The Motion Picture"! How's that sound? Can I pick 'em or what?

 

by NekoNiku
2-19-01
Hey, kid! Wanna go on a slimy bug ride? Only fifty cents!
Ewwww, no!
Hey, kid! Wanna go on a slimy bug ride? Only a quarter!
Gross!
Okay, so that didn't work. You got any other great fundraising ideas?
We could make donuts! Do you know how to work a deep-fat fryer?

 

by NekoNiku
2-19-01
Hey lady! I made some donuts! Wanna buy one?
No! Like I'm going to buy food from a big, slimy bug!
Nobody wants our donuts and we spent our last four bucks on confectioner's sugar! What are we going to do?
Maybe we need to change the target market. Make 'em think it's "edgy".
Hey dude! I made some edgy donuts that are illegal due to the Man's oppressive health standards! Wanna buy some and fight the power?
I am so there, li'l bug man! Are the droppings fresh?

 

by NekoNiku
2-20-01
Ollie! My computer is too slow and it's your fault! It took me all of 30 seconds to print this letter to my girlfriend!
Okay, let me look at your PC and find out what's going on...
Here's your problem! You've got every program known to man on this thing, all running at the same time! Half this stuff is pirated!
And I got a virus from a e-mail attachment! Didja mention that?
Maybe if you closed a program every once in a while, you'd have reasonable performance again!
I hate you! You're mean! You won't give me a new, faster computer!

 

by NekoNiku
2-20-01
...and that's when he realized he'd had a kidney removed by transplant bandits! It's true! I got it in an e-mail the other day!
Jeez, that old urban legend is going around again? Haven't you ever looked at snopes.com?
So the thing about Bill Gates donating a dollar for every e-mail you send to the kid with no spleen?
Urban legend.
You really know how to suck the fun right out of ignorance, don't you?
I can't wait to tell my list buddies about this conversation!

 

by NekoNiku
2-20-01
AN ASS having heard some Grasshoppers chirping, was highly enchanted.
Yo, grasshopper! I heard you chirping and was highly enchanted!
Thank you!
Desiring to possess the same charms of melody, the Ass demanded what sort of food they lived on to give them such beautiful voices. They replied, "The dew."
What kind of food do you live on to give you such beautiful voices?
The dew.
The Ass resolved that he would live only upon dew, and in a short time died of hunger.
I tried to live on dew but it turned me into a cheap hooker!
That's not how the story goes! You go back and fix that right now!

 

by NekoNiku
2-20-01
?
Excuse me! Ma'am, is that your giant, luxury SUV parked right in front of our store?
Why yes it is!
Well, ma'am, what part of "Fire Lane, No Parking or Standing EVER" don't you understand?
Kid, my CEO husband makes more money while taking a dump in the morning than you'll make during your entire miserable life!
My mistake! Sorry!

 

by NekoNiku
2-21-01
Pink Donkey, Pink Donkey, Pink Donkey!
I just can't get enough of that old Pink Donkey!
You know, that sounds kind of gross to me -- and I AM a Pink Donkey!

 

by NekoNiku
2-21-01
A boy was hunting for locusts.
Here, locust, locust, locust!
You rang?
He had caught a goodly number, when he saw a Scorpion, and mistaking him for a locust, reached out his hand to take him.
C'mere little locusts! Hey, there's another one!
(I know, I know! I'm not a scorpion! Just play along, okay?)
The Scorpion, showing his sting, said: "If you had but touched me, my friend, you would have lost me, and all your locusts too!"
If you had but touched me, my friend, you would have lost me, and all your locusts too!
I'm sorry; I still don't get it. Could we start again at the top?

 

by NekoNiku
2-21-01
All your graze are belong to us!
Do you want the cud, too?
All your lace are belong to us!
Is that supposed to sound sexy? Because it just comes across as weird.
All your cliches are belong to us!
Tell me something I DON'T know already...

 

by NekoNiku
2-21-01
Okay, let's try it once more from the top.
If I had a ham-ber, I'd ham-ber in the morning! I'd ham-ber in the evening! All over this land!
"Ham-ber"? Where'd that come from?
Hammer's got a silent "B", right?
No! That's stupid! Do it again right!
Okay but after this can we go out and rent "The Mumby"? Brendan Fraser is so dreamy!

 

by NekoNiku
2-21-01
A COCK, scratching for food for himself and his hens...
It's a full-time job, let me tell you!
...found a precious stone and exclaimed:
If your owner had found thee, and not I, he would have taken thee up and have set thee in thy first estate; but I have found thee for no purpose.
I would rather have one barleycorn than all the jewels in the world.
Ma dropped a rhinestone off her blouse! Y'all ain't seen it, have you?

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
THE POMEGRANATE and Apple-Tree disputed as to which was the most beautiful.
When their strife was at its height, a Bramble from the neighboring hedge lifted up its voice, and said in a boastful tone: "Pray, my dear friends, in my presence at least cease from such vain disput
I guess that Bramble was an ugly one!
Vain, too!

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
AN ASS climbed up to the roof of a building, and frisking about there, broke in the tiling.
Whoa! Get a load of me! I'm frisking about up here!
Whose stupid Ass is that up on the roof?!
The owner went up after him and quickly drove him down, beating him severely with a thick wooden cudgel.
Ow! Quit it!
This'll learn you, you stupid Ass!
The Ass said, "Why, I saw the Monkey do this very thing yesterday, and you all laughed heartily, as if it afforded you very great amusement."
Why, I saw the Monkey do this very thing yesterday, and you all laughed heartily, as if it afforded you very great amusement.
Okay, but you're not a monkey.

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
A FLEA settled upon the bare foot of a Wrestler and bit him, causing the man to call loudly upon Hercules for help.
Why, you look good enough to eat! CHOMP!
Ow! Dammit! Dear sweet Hercules, that smarts!
When the Flea a second time hopped upon his foot, he groaned and said, "O Hercules! if you will not help me against a Flea, how can I hope for your assistance against greater antagonists?"
My, this is one tasty rube! CHOMP!
O Hercules! if you will not help me against a Flea, how can I hope for your assistance against greater antagonists?
And that's it. We're done. Go home, now.
And that's it? I feel cheated, somehow.
Pretty much done in two panels, dude. Wanna go grab a beer?

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
A SHEPHERD, watching his Ass feeding in a meadow, was alarmed all of a sudden by the cries of the enemy. He appealed to the Ass to fly with him, lest they should both be captured, but the animal lazi
Consarnit, it's the Enemy! Let's skedaddle or we're like to be captured!
Why should I, pray? Do you think it likely the conqueror will place on me two sets of panniers?
No.
Then as long as I carry the panniers, what matters it to me whom I serve?
In a change of government the poor change nothing beyond the name of their master.
You got me there! Forget I said anything.
Someday I'll get you to explain why hot babes in tight dresses are your enemy.

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
A SHEPHERD, watching his Ass feeding in a meadow, was alarmed all of a sudden by the cries of the enemy. He appealed to the Ass to fly with him, lest they should both be captured.
Consarnit, it's the Enemy! Let's skedaddle or we're like to be captured!
Why should I, pray? Do you think it likely the conqueror will place on me two sets of panniers?
No.
Then as long as I carry the panniers, what matters it to me whom I serve?
In a change of government the poor change nothing beyond the name of their master.
You got me there! Forget I said anything.
Someday I'll get you to explain why hot babes in tight dresses are your enemy.

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
A FLEA thus questioned an Ox:
What ails you, that being so huge and strong, you submit to the wrongs you receive from men and slave for them day by day...
Yes?
...while I, being so small a creature, mercilessly feed on their flesh and drink their blood without stint?
I do not wish to be ungrateful, for I am loved and well cared for by men, and they often pat my head and shoulders.
Woe's me! This very patting which you like, whenever it happens to me, brings with it my inevitable destruction.
That's a rough story but my mom still won't let you get on our trampoline any more.

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
I got an Explorer cuz I wanted to feel safe on the road!
And did that make you feel safe on the road?
Yes, until everyone ELSE got Explorers. So I had to buy a Suburban!
Did you feel safe then?
My next car's gonna be a Greyhound bus!
Be sure and get the leather interior!

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
?
...and when they got done with lunch, they all went out together and bought Hello Kitty toasters!
You've never actually met any of these people have you?
Nope.
Pardner, you are weird with a beard!
Point well taken, pardner!

 

by NekoNiku
2-22-01
Howdy, pardner.
Howdy.
I been thinkin', pardner.
Have you?
Next time, I want to be the Tow Truck Driver.
Okay, but only if I get to be the Burly Pirate.

 

by NekoNiku
2-23-01
A FLY bit the bare head of a Bald Man who, endeavoring to destroy it, gave himself a heavy slap. Escaping, the Fly said mockingly:
Ow! Dammit!
You who have wished to revenge, even with death, the Prick of a tiny insect, see what you have done to yourself to add insult to injury?
I can easily make peace with myself, because I know there was no intention to hurt.
Oh yeah?
But you, an ill-favored and contemptible insect who delights in sucking human blood, I wish that I could have killed you even if I had incurred a heavier penalty.
You hurt my friend's feelings and I think you should apologize.

 

by NekoNiku
2-23-01
We're tired of your base. Could somebody else's base are belong to us?
Oh, no, not again!
What you say!
I sense a great disturbance in the Force! As if a million newbies saw that "All your base" thing and then suddenly were compelled to create comics!
Oh, for great justice!
Yeah, get used to it. It happens every zig or so.
Could somebody set up them the bomb? You know what you doing!

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