All comics by itsclark

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by itsclark
6-30-01
Portrait of a Man in Over his Head...
Um... Hello...
People? A lttle help here please...
I've made my point... I'm ready to come down now.
Care for some vinegar?

 

by itsclark
7-01-01
Age-old enemies tackle a mutual problem.
But what if the traditional concepts of good and evil represent an overly simplistic duality?
That would make us icons of an outdated worldview. Before you know it, we'd be reduced to the status of cartoon characters.
Helloooo!?
Hmmm... perhaps we need to update our image.
OK, how about this? I'll be the face of a struggling alternative culture.
Better update the wardrobe first!... I'll be the plastic pop diva, icon of image-driven mediocrity.

 

by itsclark
7-01-01
The year 2002: Earth is INVADED by a race of SARCASTIC ALIENS!
(Yawn.) Your planet belongs to us now. Lucky, lucky us. Anyhow it's such a nice day out, I thought I'd let you surrender.
Never! Niether your bombs nor your sardonic sense of humor can destroy my will to be free.
I'll resist you to my last ounce of breath.
How very touching (cough)! Much as it pains me, it appears I have NO CHOICE but to use the shrink ray.
!?! Well anyway I'm going to gnaw on your ankles! GRARGH!
My my... I think I hear an insect buzzing.

 

by itsclark
7-02-01
Draw, pardner!
Why, that's right purdy! My turn!
You're one disturbed cowboy, Jeb!

 

by itsclark
7-02-01
Poetry randomly generated by Chloe at http://spatch.ne.mediaone.net/chloe/
My eyes dilate; my license and sleeping in the world runs out of the switch and soul, I like thunder under the future.
Get up, let's make a crack, break your life, but it's true. I'll be someone, be your temples, your colours were like a burnin' flame.
I see it happen. Rolling like that. It must've been achin', but sweet. I heat up at night; I slumber.
Snap! Snappa! Snap! Snap! Snappity! Snap!

 

by itsclark
7-02-01
Lonely and desperate, a young man seeks the help of a crackpot scientist:
OK Doc, what do I need to do?
Ze procedure is simple! Just step into that machine und you vill be made irresistable to ze opposite sex.
You sure about this, Doc? I feel funny. All tingly like.
Don't worry! Ze procedure is nearly finished!
YOU... made me... a FREAK!!
Don't be silly! You hef never looked more adorable!

 

by itsclark
7-03-01
Tyler confronts his past in the bluntest possible sense:
Let's see if I've got this straight. You're ME, only from the FUTURE!
That's right. I came back in this time machine.
Wow! So what's it like to be Future Me?
Well, I work as a night watchman at the lab that built this thing. I've been divorced twice, and I'm up to my neck in alimony.
You're saying I should just off myself now?
Hmm... better not. It might create a paradox.

 

by itsclark
7-03-01
Jon stumbles upon a mystical cave...
Gah! What the hell are you?
I am an evil genie. I can grant any wish. However, I will twist it in the most hideous way imaginable.
Any wish at all!? I wish I were a rich and famous television star!
If you insist...
What the!? I'm Ally McBeal!
You don't listen, do you?

 

by itsclark
7-04-01
Tyler dons his best duds and approaches the pretty secretary he's SURE he's been getting a vibe from...
Maura, I think you're kind of interesting and I'd like to take you out sometime and maybe get to know you better.
You're, um... TYLER, right?... Do you ALWAYS dress like that?
!?
Hey buddy... Mind if I borrow that when you're done?

 

by itsclark
7-04-01
Tobor, stripcreator.com's resident sodomy bot, ravages the city.
Tobor, stop this senseless rampage! I invented you for science, not manrape!
I programmed you to expand the boundaries of human knowledge; to probe the solar system and to serve man!
RARGH!! PROBE... MAN! PROBE... MAN! TOBOR DO!
Come back! You don't quite understand...
EXPAND THE BOUNDARIES OF URANUS! RARGH!!

 

by itsclark
7-04-01
Tyler!? What are you doing outside my window?
Maura! Could you come down for a minute, please? I just wanna talk to you!
Tyler, are you drunk? Go away, please!
I like you Maura, and you know what I think? I think you like me! Don't be afraid to reach out, Maura! Don't keep your feelings locked up!
RARGH!! WOLF WOLF CHOMP CHEW WOLF!
AAYYIIEE!! The dogs! Call 'em off! Call 'em off!

 

by itsclark
7-05-01
Then it's settled. I'll see you after school, punk!
Yeah, I'll be there! I just hope you don't puss out on me!
Oh geez. I can't follow up on that. The guy's a gorilla!
Later, in the cafeteria...
You know, I'm kinda surprised you have time to follow me around like this...

 

by itsclark
7-06-01
Stick Figure Death Theatre presents: Hamlet..... (Spoiler Alert!)
I am justly killed with my own treachery. The instrument is in thy hand, unbated and envenomed. The The King, the King's to blame!
The point envenomed, too?
Then venom, to thy work! Here, thou incestuous, murd'rous damned Dane!
O, yet defend me friends! I am but hurt!
And, with the exception of Horatio, pretty much everyone stops breathing (some more quickly than others)...
I am dead Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu! Had I but time (as this fell sergeant, Death, is strict in his arrest) , I could tell you. But let it be! On second thought, let me tell you all about... Ack!
Just die already, willya? We need the stage for our production of "Bring It On, the Musical".

 

by itsclark
7-06-01
Please, won't you sponsor this child? She and her 18 brothers and sisters live in a shack made of feces on the side of a mountain of discarded consumer electronics.
No! Stay back! I just wanna live!
Look at her! How can you just sit there? If you have an iota of conscience, you must realize that not helping this child is like reaching out and throttling her with YOUR BARE HANDS!
AAYYIIEE!! My thorax!
Muncha Cruncha Gulp... Mmmm!
Gosh, the plight of the hungry has never touched my heart so, um, FORCEFULLY.
Are those Wing-Dings you've got there? You dick!

 

by itsclark
7-08-01
Presenting three seemingly unrelated single-pane comics. First, the obligatory visual pun:
Note to self: low-pass cartoon babes should NEVER agree to blind dates.
Hey baby! Wanna neck?
Next up, a tribute to film animation legend Ray Harryhausen:
I say we capture that ravenous T-Rex for our cowboy circus. What could go wrong?
S'funny... I thought WE were the ones with walnut-sized brains.
Finally, the common thread:
WTF is this Clark guy smoking? This sucks harder than 'Family Circus'!
And then Jesus says to the Dog on Ball (this'll killya...)

 

by itsclark
7-09-01
Hackers:
Sir, someone hacked the pentagon's computers & replaced the operating systems with Atari Missile Command!
Um, that's a bad thing, right?
Hacker Wanna-Be's:
I broke into yer 'My Yahoo' account and changed yer passwerd. Now U can't get in!
Yeah, 'til I have them send a new password. An hour of hacking to cost me 20 seconds of inconvenience? I bow before your incredible retardation.
Hacker Wanna-Be's in Training:
We R the 3ast Side P0stal Punks. We have taken control of this mailbox. Smell the Ph33R.
I have GOTS to get down with THAT ill crew!

 

by itsclark
7-10-01
Punk Rawk Grrrl at work:
Anyway, we should have one of those in stock somewhere. I'll be back in a minute.
What is this guy listening to? Some kinda radio-play, faux 'alternative' crap? What a tool!
Punk Rawk Grrrl next door:
The neighbor kid actually listens to 'Classic Rock'? What is he? Some kinda dirty smelly hippy throwback?
Blah Blah Blah Crosby Stills & Nash Blah Blah
Punk Rawk Grrrl at home:
Sis, what are you listening to? It sounds like an elephant being slowly crushed by a trash compactor.
SO WHAT ARE YOU!? Some kinda hyper-judgemental MUSIC NAZI?

 

by itsclark
7-10-01
Punk Rawk Grrrl, independent publisher:
What are you up to Sis?
I'm getting the first issue of my new Punk zine ready for the mail!
yikes...
It's gonna shake up the whole Punk scene 'cause it's TOTALLY DIFFERENT from anything else out there. Tomorrow I'm sending a copy out to be reviewed by Zine World!
At the HQ of Zine World:
So buy the new Killer Barbies album cuz it rawks. And get the new Psycho Dolls release, which likewise rawks.
This Month's Political Q&A: What's up with neo-fascist tools telling us how to live our lives? Fuck that! Anarchy!!

 

by itsclark
7-10-01
IRC Revelations:
I notice there are about 30 folks in this chat room, and no fewer than 12 of you have ops status.
Yup.
Is there some practical benefit to this arrangement, or have ops merely become some mindless banner of popularity for you to wave in each other's faces?
The latter. *Kick!*
Guess you've got to admire the honesty there.
That reminds me, can someone gimme ops? /ME grovels!

 

by itsclark
7-10-01
The first week of High School: Gabe meets the regulars.
Gah! Who or what are YOU?
I have no name. I represent the faceless, cliquish conformity of this place.
You'll find that things'll go a lot smoother for you if you forget your personal integrity, and just smooch my butt on a daily basis.
And if I refuse?
Ah, I see. Hence the hammer and nails. The loincloth is an interesting touch...
Yes. We find that humiliation helps ensure compliance.

 

by itsclark
7-11-01
Gabe's first week of High School, and a rare encounter with an elusive beast:
Greetings Gabe. I am your high school guidance counselor!
I can usually be found in my office, balanced precariously on this colorful ball. Knock loudly; the door is triple-thick plated steel.
So... I guess you'll be helping me make important decisions about my future?
No. The ball thing is pretty much it. Well, see ya. Good luck!

 

by itsclark
7-12-01
Meanwhile, on the Island of Dr. Moreau:
Oyster Man, you are my greatest creation! Let's see what you've learned about being a man! What is the law?
Not to be steamed until tender and succulent. THAT is the law!
?
Not to be drenched in butter and served on a bed of crisp lettuce. THAT is the law!
Wrong, Wrong, WRONG! No more watching "Iron Chef" for you! It only gives you nightmares! Back to the House of Pain!
ANYTHING BUT THE WOK!

 

by itsclark
7-14-01
From an actual conversation:
Yeah, all this overtime is great! I was finally able to afford that Kawasaki VN1500 "Drifter" I've had my eye on.
Yeah, but when do you ever get a chance to ride it?
Well, it's a 40 minute ride to work...
!?
From a fictional (yet analogous) conversation:
Because it feels so good when I stop!
system error... illogic overload... circuits exploding!

 

by itsclark
7-20-01
Hiya mister. I'm from the Girl Scouts. We're selling Girl Scout cookies!
M'GLUI N'GWAH PH'THAWK MAH... AHEM!
Er, I mean... Girl Scout cookies! Why how delightful! I just adore that wonderful sugar frosted pastry goodness. Please, do come in!
I TOLD you to stay away from old man Cthulhu's house!!
Larvae crawling under skin! Must tear it off!

 

by itsclark
7-21-01
And then after the bombs stopped falling, I realized I was the last man on Earth. So that's how I ended up here on the streets, ravaged by disease and starvation.
Gee, that's a tough break for you. But at least you've got that trash can to show for it!
What?
Are you kidding? I'd kill for such a great bachelor pad. Chicks would be swarming all over me.
Did I really just pour my heart out to a big mutant cockroach?
Well, I'll catch you later. I don't want to miss "happy hour" down at the Feces Fandango.

 

by itsclark
7-22-01
Argh, I fucked up that last comic! One wrong word changed the whole sense of the comic and turned it into a pile of utter poop!
So?
So, I can't find a way to edit or delete the abomination and now everyone who reads it will think I'm a total moron!
You're only just worried about that NOW?
You know, I'm told that squirrel pie is a delicious rural American delicacy.
Erm, what I MEANT to say was: don't worry; nobody reads your comics anyhow!

 

by itsclark
7-22-01
So O.K. but then meanwhile over at the Burning Man festival:
Hey Dan! 'Sup? I got some stuff you just gotta try!
Come on, man. You know I don't do that shit no more. I came out here in the spirit of artistic expression.
But these are shrooms, man! The best! Azures from the pacific NW. Guaranteed to enhance the creative process!
Well, I suppose if it's in the interest of art...
Later, in Dan's camper:
Who's that knocking? I'm undergoing fission in here!
Maybe I shouldn't have taken the whole quarter ounce by myself.

 

by itsclark
7-23-01
Jon is very, very bored:
What is this? Some kind of Zen chat? There are close to 30 people in here, but noone is talking.
We are all busy sending private messages to each other. Go away.
But, uh, I am an 18 year old female in the tri-state area, and I am looking for someone to talk to.
!!!
ROFLMAO!!
You have 18 private messages.

 

by itsclark
7-23-01
A generic, fictional high tech company that looks NOTHING like the place where I work: (cough)
This company is taking a dive. Orders are down for the forseeable future. Our stock is tanking!
So what do we do about it?
Abolish frills like the company picnic, cut pay by 10% across the board, and lay off about 20 people!
But won't that crush employee moral, reduce our experience base, and leave us unprepared when things DO turn around?
You're right! We'll keep the company picnic... And put an incentive program in place!
And the big incentive would be, let me guess... a mention in the company newsletter!

 

by itsclark
7-23-01
What sort of bizarre lifeform is THIS?
I am the new Low Pass character, Sickobunny.
You're aware that all new characters must submit to an anal probe?
Yeah, yeah. I read the application form. Just get it over with!
Thank you. Everything seems to be in order. TOBOR will now give you a more complete physical.
Jesus Christ. I knew I should have taken that temp job over at Jerk City!

 

by itsclark
7-23-01
Stand down, villian! I've come to thwart your nefarious doings.
TOBOR NOT RECOGNIZE COSTUMED STRANGER!
I am Captain Lowpass, come to end your reign of sodomy!
RAARR!! TOBOR WILL FIST FUNNY CAPE MAN!
Ha! Behold foul villian; my sphincter is as solid steel!
TOBOR MISSING AN ARM!

 

by itsclark
7-24-01
Captain, please help me! My friend and I are forced to appear in many degrading comics.
What's this, you say?
Again and again, we are forced to portray Asian child prostitutes, repeating the most humiliating lines!
By the blazing trident of Zartog, this situation reeks of injustice! Leave everything to me!
Authorities, this girl has escaped from her brothel. Please see to it that she is returned immediately!
Gee... thanks a bunch Captain Jackoff!

 

by itsclark
7-25-01
The first rule of fight club is... you DO NOT TALK about fight club!
Yeah? Or else what? You'll fight me?
No, or else NOBODY will fight you... I mean, yeah, you'll get beaten up but... No, I mean...
???
That's OK, man. Don't hurt yourself! It was only a hypothetical.

 

by itsclark
7-28-01
Deep within Hugh Hefner's underground Playboy lab:
It's perfect! By combining the genome of Britney Spears...
...
with the essence of this fuzzy rabbit... I shall create the ULTIMATE PLAYBOY BUNNY!
?
Little does Hugh realize that arch-nemesis Larry Flynt has added EXTRA SLEAZE to the formula! As the smoke clears:
NO! I've created a horror beyond all imagining!
So when do you make me a STAR?

 

by itsclark
7-28-01
Super-villian Sickobunny discovers his strange and terrible powers!
Look at this innocent creature, all cute and fuzzy. I just wanna PUKE! Wait a minute... what is this power I feel surging through me?
chitter chitter
SICKO POWERS ACTIVATE!
The innocent creature becomes a mockery of it's former self!
Gee. OTHER super-types get to FLY.
My days of begging for BREADCRUMBS in the park are over! Henceforth I shall seize the priceless morsels by FORCE!

 

by itsclark
7-28-01
Sickobunny applies to join the Legion of Heroes, and meets CAPTAIN LOWPASS:
So, erm, "Sickobunny", what kind of super hero powers do you possess?
I have the power to take anything DECENT and GOOD and turn it into a sick and twisted MOCKERY!
Hmm...
Wouldn't that be considered more of a Super VILLIAN power?
FINE! I'll just call you CAPTAIN JUDGEMENTAL!

 

by itsclark
7-28-01
Sickobunny applies to join the Legion of Super Villians:
So, villian, what is the nature of your fiendish super powers?
Mine is the power to take anything DECENT and GOOD and turn it into a sick and twisted MOCKERY!
Intriguing. Please wait here while I confer with the Dark Gods of Villiany!
I'm sorry, but we've decided we have ENOUGH lawyers on retainer for the time being! BEGONE!

 

by itsclark
7-28-01
Rejected by heroes and villians alike, Sickobunny goes on the rampage:
They'll pay. Oh, yes. They'll ALL PAY. I'll spread my insanity like a disease!
Halt, villian! Your campaign to make the world a more demented place is at an end!
Take this! And this! Your villiany cannot withstand my mighty fists of justice!
For by the Spear of Odin, I have sworn that your punishment shall fit the crime!
The Captain is true to his word!
No! This is too much sick, evil stupidity for one villian to bear! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!
MTV's 16 hour "Real World/Road Rules" marathon continues right after this!

 

by itsclark
8-19-01
Based on a real conversation.
Haw Haw! Check out Mr. Cool in his new sunglasses!
Jealous? Well, I guess not everybody can handle this much concentrated cool.
Actually, I think I have a pair of prescription sunglasses just like that. I wear them while scoping out hotties down at the shore.
No shit?
Where are you going?
To burn the sunglasses and scrub my face with steel wool.

 

by itsclark
8-19-01
!!!
scrape. claw. dig. dig. scrape.
(POP!) Muhahahaha! I live again!
AAUUGGHH!!
Sight gags, folks. Gotta love 'em!

 

by itsclark
8-19-01
One night on IRC:
Well, alot of people tell me I look like Fabio, only with more of a tan.
Wow, that sounds pretty hot.
So how about yourself?
Try to picture a cross between Sharon Stone and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Bullshit Overload. Must Purge Circuits with Purifying Flame.
Wait! OK, just Sharon Stone then!

 

by itsclark
8-21-01
Can you believe the luck? Mound after mound of glorious feces have been flung in every direction, my friend!
I guess the shit must have hit the fan!

 

by itsclark
8-24-01
Goats are justly famous for our appetites (MUNCH). Like all ruminants, we possess highly evolved digestive systems with multiple stomachs.
(MUNCH) (MUNCH) Each is protected by a tough integument and harbours powerful digestive enzymes. We can eat most anything (MUNCH).
So you can see we play a vital role in the health of the ecosystem (BELCH). Our sexual appetites are equally great! Ask your mom.

 

by itsclark
8-25-01
Old pal, I'm feeling restless and disatisfied. I think our relationship has grown stale.
I have just the thing, Russ! A terrific product that will cheer you right up.
Yeah, until I get bored with it and realize that my life is essentially empty IN SPITE of all the crap you've conditioned me to buy!
Don't talk like that, Russ. I'm your pal! Trust me, you'll feel all better after a nice spending spree.
I'm going for a walk. OUTSIDE! And I'm not buying a thing.
Come in Central Command! Consumerbot 90147 is in revolt! Request back-up!

 

by itsclark
8-26-01
Making comics is great and all, but I don't feel it makes use of my full talents.
I know I'm cut out for something greater; something of vast meaning and purpose. If only... If only...
Hear me, Diesel! It is I, thy God! I wish you to be my new emissary and reign as head of my toilet seat empire!
Yes! I knew my day would come!

 

by itsclark
8-29-01
What could have led to this colossal human tragedy?
My god... the carnage... unspeakable!
Had the "console wars" at last gone too far?
Sony -- into thy hands I commend my... uuggnn!

 

by itsclark
8-30-01
It was the year 2014. The industrialized nations of the earth lay in ruins.
In the blink of an eye, it had all gone kablooey. No more art or music; no commerce or public services...
The main server had crashed again. If only we hadn't installed Windows XXIV:
Civilization has performed an illegal operation and will now shut down.

 

by itsclark
8-31-01
Dear Applicant; we are pleased to inform you that your admission to Anytown U. has been accepted.
This is great! College -- I'll be surrounded by only the best and brightest! I can't wait to rise to the challenge.
A typical day at Anytown University...
Hey Zoe, you goin' to the big kegger tonight? It's gonna be a blowout! Huh huh. A dollar cover for all the beer you can drink.
Plus a couple bucks to have Jodie copy her notes for tomorrow morning... OK!
Dear Applicant; we are pleased to inform you that your admission to Anytown Technical School has been accepted.

 

by itsclark
9-03-01
You know, I wasn't always a drunken, embittered shell of a human being. In fact, what I really wanted to be was a children's entertainer.
Really? How did that work out?
Say, any of you kids ever been through a messy divorce? Trust me... the difference between a tick and a lawyer is that the tick falls off when you die!
Mommy! Make him stop!
Come to think of it, I guess I always was a drunken, embittered shell of a human being.
Here's to finding your niche!

 

by itsclark
9-04-01
Crabby's therapy session:
Crabby, last session you told me you're greatest ambition was to be #1 at stripcreator.com! How's that working out for you?
Great! Just great.
Yeah actually... um... pretty good, I'd say.
Well, anyway nobody's threatened to send me a Tobor-gram lately.
Little things mean alot!

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