IDENTICAL TWIN HOLIDAY TAG-TEAM BAD POETRY SMACKDOWN by biped 4-03-04

NARRATOR: Today's poem..."Dairy Maid, Monster Suckler." Down the street, and up the block...near the solid waste processing plant...lives a little girl named Dairy Maid...who smells like Cary Grant. Her dreams are filled with bovine love...of cows in torrid, tongue-swept smooches...swapping cud with swarthy farmers...'midst droppings left by bitter pooches. NARRATOR: I get to do a verse in the next panel... And when the sun bursts through the clouds...and shines its rays upon her hump...then Dairy Maid jumps up and down...upon the corpse of Forrest Gump. The bloody corpse of Forrest Gump...the rotting, oozing, rancid corpse...that Dairy Maid shines heat lamps on...until it shrivels, pops, and warps. NARRATOR: (ahem) But as the cows in lip-lock swoon...their teats unmilked, as passion mounts...she dreams of Carrot Top's "equipment"...on which she'd like to jump and pounce. Milk, and cheese, and chicken eggs...Milton Berle, and Seth Green's legs...the smell of Raymond Burr's behind...go swirling through her fevered mind. And now the farmers and the cows...have mutant children in their lust...which Dairy Maid will volunteer...to suckle with her ample bust.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

My incredibly poor attempt at being offensive:

CC 238: Somethings in the air... by NooniePuuBunny 4-03-04

Damn...you smell like fish. Damn...you smell like woman's crotch...

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I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

CC 238 : Elevator Music by niteowl 4-03-04

In an elevator... I really shouldn't have had broccoli, cabbage and egg salad sandwiches for lunch. *poot* Shit. Did I forget to put on deodorant today? Psst...Hey, did that broad up there die or something? Smells like she's decomposing. Judging by the pool of blood by her feet, her tampon malfunctioned too.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

CC238: Yoko Ono Dictates A Letter by UnknownEric 4-04-04

Take this down, Jimmy. "Dear Sir, Although I appreciate your wishes to keep my husband's memory alive..." "I must ask that you cease and desist from performing your 'tribute' song, 'Give Rape A Chance.' Sincerely, Yoko." fukk.

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I has a flavor!

Back-Up Plan by choadwarrior 4-04-04

Grandma, do you miss sex? I may be old, but I still get a little use down there. I've leased my vagina to the U.S. Government. It's so dry and desolate, they use it to store important documents.

Squish by choadwarrior 4-04-04

Whew! It's such a warm day, I'm glad I wore a sleeveless shirt underneath this jacket. You should keep it on. Why? Do you know what it looks like when you put a lot of cream cheese on a bagel, then it squishes out the sides when you bite into it? Yes. Now imagine the bagel is your flabby arm, and the cream cheese is your deodorant.

I too have a high threshold for offensive comments/behaviour. I actually was offended this week to the point where I wanted to get medievel on someone...it was an odd sensation, but here's how it went down...

True Story of an Ex-Librarian by choadwarrior 4-04-04

Did you really say to a male student, "Do you want to shake my hand or my dick?" I may have said something like that. He's very upset by your comment. What does he want me to do, lick his asshole? No, he wants you fired. Oh, so he wants to fuck me in every hole.

"NAME THAT BODILY FLUID" with Rhonda and Floyd by biped 4-04-04

Rhonda doesn't remember much about last night's party... Hey, Floyd...does this look like snot or jizz to you? Hmm...looks like snot...hard to tell, though... *smack* *smack* Yep...tastes like snot, too! That's what I thought at first...but wait until the tangy aftertaste kicks in...

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Observances by AccentuateNegative 4-04-04

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP Are you jerking off in there? Um...yes. Don't you think I would want some of that? I'm just celebrating Palm Sunday. Then it's time for me to go to town on your ass.

god damn it, boinky, hand out awards already!

All he has to do is pick a winner. This is a CC, not an FTC.

The Best Offense is a Good Offense by MikeyG 4-05-04

Fuck you in the ass? Puncture your ass with my tongue? Gag on your shitsticks? Rape a five-year-old? Fill your ass with cement mix? Box your grandma's tits? Stab an invalid? Chop off your girl's pussylips? Shotgun to the twat? Man, I just wanted to know where the V.D. Clinic is.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Don't turn on the lights! by mmyers 2-13-04

It's so cute to me how you talk in that baby voice when we have sex. What do you mean? How you make your voice sound like a little girl. Ummm... I guess I'll be turning myself in now. A good rule of thumb is it's better to tell your cellmate you wrote bad checks. Pedophiles always get shanked first.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

I created this account just to lose this competition.

Amen.

CC 238: A Question of First Contact by satanfingers 4-05-04

So, uh . . . you ever dream that you were eating cottage cheese . . . . . . and . . . well . . . . . . wake up next to your grandmother?

mmyers wins!

No honorable mentions!
Take it, mmyers!

I feel so used. Well done mmyers.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

I was hoping this was going to be one of those Afternoon Special contests for me. You know, how I'd overcome adversity to sweep the contest. FUCKING HAIKUS!

I'll get you, boinky33, and your little dog, too!

MWAH HA HA HA HA!!!!

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Damn, I was too late! Oh well, the message of my comic is still relevant...

CC238 (1): The American Dream by Shadow_Artist 4-06-04

Boinky. [Urinates]

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Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever apologize for anything. - Harry S Truman, 33rd president of US (1884 - 1972)

Hahaha! Now I control two of three contests, unless you count The Cup, in which case I control two of the four contests. Regardless, thanks for the win Boinkers. I'll do my best.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

I gonna have to go ahead and count the cup on this one Mr. Myers.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Boinky, you massive, massive tool! GARG!!!!!

A winner is not possums!

boinky is a pile of rotting donkey excrement.

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Poop.

So what if I am?

YOU CANT KEEP ME DOWN INTRODUCING NEW CHARECTER MIKE DAGGER by JESUSSANDWICH 5-12-04

YOU TRIED TO KEEP ME DOWN BUT NOW I HOLD ALL THE CARDS WHAT CARDS ARE THOSE? THE ONES WITH YOUR MOM NAKED ON THEM

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possible savior probable SEX MACHINE

A little late.

Really Offensive - You've Been Warned by Enderandrew 10-03-04

Warning - This Joke is Really Offensive! Do you know any jokes, mister? What is the best thing about screwing a six-year old girl? I don't know The satisfying CRACK of the pelvic bone! Inspired by Max Cannon's brilliant Red Meat Elder Gods are meanies! And little girls taste like chicken nuggets!

Offensive Jokes - Beware by Enderandrew 10-03-04

Do you know what the second best thing is about fucking a six-year old? I don't think I really want to know Come on. Again, inspiration by Max Cannon's Red Meat Okay, what? Watching her cry on the witness stand.

More Offensive Jokes by Enderandrew 10-03-04

More Offensive Jokes Okay, no more jokes. If I could have sex with anyone in the world, do you know who it would be? If you say me, I'm going to cry No one loves you bitch. That's why your parents divorced. No, I was going to say the Virgin Mary. How could you talk about the Virgin Mary that way, especially around Christmas? Well, if she's good enough for God...

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"Nihilism makes me smile."