I really can't believe I won.

Okay, here are the new rules:

1)Jesus must be the main character.
2)No inside jokes slamming other authors. I haven't been around long enough to fully appreciate them.
3)Use of either Cthulhu, Satan, or Death is recommended, but not necessary.

There's no need to get complicated. Simple humor is almost always best. I forget who it was who wrote one of my favorite strips... but it's two Jesuses (jesi?) facing each other in silence for 2 panels, and then one says "I spy with my little eye something that-" and the other says "Cross." It made me laugh so forcefully that I had to clean little rainbows off my monitor.

Judging will be uh... some time after 7pm CDT on Wednesday 5/30/01.

So there you go. Have at it!

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

If I ever lose my faith in you by tafkad 5-24-01

Oh! HAHAHAHAHA...come here, you gotta look at this! What, oh shit! HAHAHAHAHHAHA *sigh* Do you think he knows we can see his peepee?

CC32: Too bad it wasn't Deliverance by ObiJo 5-24-01

Excuse me, God? Yes, my son? What's your favorite movie? Apocalypse Now. Woopsie.

I love this comic, so going by DexX's law, I'm royally fucked.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

I left the profanity in because I could! muahahahahahahahaha by PoKeE 5-24-01

So My mom is riding into town on this ass, er, I mean donkey... yeah, mmhmm... And Joseph says... Yeah, your dad. He's not my dad! Milkman, God, they're all the same...

I think this one is pretty weak, and all, but I have to do something, right?

Well, here's my entry. I was tempted to just use some old jesus comic I'd already written, as I'm sure we all have a few laying around. But, I thought I'd go ahead and write something more specifically to this contest.

And, seeing as how there is basically only one rule, I went ahead and broke it.

CC 32 -- Find the Jesus by Nibor 5-24-01

Hey, I tried to get the real Jesus. Hi, boys and girls. I'm Jesus, and for today... Hey. You're not jesus. Do you realize how tough it is to get him free for a photo shoot, though? Well, um...sure I am. It's kinda like how there's a Santa at the North Pole, but also one at every mall you go to. Oh...I think I get it now. I mean, he's in just about every 3rd comic created around here. He must be raking in the royalties. Good. Now, I'm Jesus, and today we'll be talking about... So, you're like a wino on the subway Jesus?

Cute.

Not a winner, but cute.

:D

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

Damn. I'm in a slump...

CC32: Around the holy water cooler... by wirthling 5-24-01

...but you didn't think they'd let Jackie Jr. live after he screwed up like that, did you? Yeah, I suppose not. I can't believe Meadow was so upset about it, though. Jackie Jr. was a real loser. I thought it was -- Get thee back to work, you two! Jesus, those souls aren't going to save themselves! Lucifer, get thee back to Hell! I ain't running no cafe here! I hate that cranky old bastard! Dang! I wish the old man would lighten up already... I NOW DESCEND TO MY DARK EMPIRE TO TORMENT THE LOST SOULS OF FOOLISH MORTALS!!! MWAHAHAHA!!! THE GLORY OF THE LORD IS INFINITE AND BLESSED ARE HIS CHILDREN! (Pssst! Are we still on for racquetball at 6?)

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Oops. CC 32.

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

because I'm lazy, and my boss is roaming around...

Turnabout is fair...HEY! by Jael 1-24-01

Somewhere in Texas I'm Shrubya...I'm the new President of the United States Meanwhile...God's holding everyone accountable... Don't look at me...I caught it for the Lewinsky thing I cannot believe this...I said SMOTE... That florida thing went well don't ya think? Mmhmmph.

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Women are fisher's of men because we all know.... The small ones you throw back. The medium ones you eat. The large ones you mount.

or...

Back to the 80's by Jael 1-24-01

I am the son, and the heir... of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. Shut your mouth..how can you say... I go about things the wrong way... I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does.

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Women are fisher's of men because we all know.... The small ones you throw back. The medium ones you eat. The large ones you mount.

world's worst by TEDA 5-12-01

So... I hear you're some sort of escape artist? Go suck a cock.

Oh, like I wasted any fucking time putting this old thing up.

quote:

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2)No inside jokes slamming other authors. I haven't been around long enough to fully appreciate them.

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Actually, I slipped and got my dick caught in the canyon.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

I, also being lazy and at work, am also going to recycle an old one. And I'm going to make sure it's not funny, just for spite.

Jim Gets Shown Up by Scyess 4-06-01

Gee, Jim, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm leaving you for another guy. That's him right behind me. What, girl? What's he got that I h- ... Hi there. Can you believe that guy? I'm sorry about that outburst... calling you a "Jew," "celebate," "holier-than-thou..." Um, yeah. Forget it. Say, my sweet, why don't we go over to that water fountian and have some wine?

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"Old" is the old new.

That sounds like a line out of an X-rated Paul Bunyan tale.

'One day ol' Paul was gettin' a mite horny. Seeing as how his mighty schlong would tear a normal woman to pieces, he figured he was gonna have to flog the ol' fir tree again.

But it just so happened that he and Babe (who was actually startin' to look pretty good) had camped near what we now call the Grand Canyon. Just as Paul was settin' back against a cliff gettin' ready to pull out his giant bottle of Jergen's lotion, he spied the canyon off in the distance. And damned if it didn't look like the biggest pussy he'd ever seen!

So he ran on over and didn't waste a minute dropping his drawers and jammin' his manhood and into the giant crack in the earth.'

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

CC 32 - What the hell? by BigEvilDan 5-25-01

Holy crap! Is this Heaven? Yes it is Heaven, and yes the crap is holy. Welcome to your afterlife. But I designed weapons of mass destruction! I kicked puppies! I directed a Pauly Shore movie! How could I end up here? Hell is a fate reservered for those who commit crimes far worse than yours. So ladyjdotnet, lets see what you're in fo--wait, you did a Jesus strip CONTEST!? We toss people in to firey pits for just one strip! Aw crap.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

Jesus Smites Nuts by saram 5-24-01

Jesus? Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?

Uh, yeah.

Or...

Jesus loves dumbasses. by saram 5-24-01

You're that Jesus guy, right? Yes, my brother. So where are my three wishes? That's a GENIE. Not JESUS. Oh. Fuck. There goes my wish for everlasting life. What a big dumb bag of 'duh.'

Because all the best things in life involve Jesus. *gag*

Hmmm....

Rub Me the Wrong Way by gabe_billings 1-27-01

So if I like rub you then you have to give me three wishes, right? That's a genie, dipshit. Oh. Do you mind if I rub you anyway?

(BTW, this isn't my entry)

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Speculating or copyrighting?

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Shake it sugar by skagg 5-26-01

I hate those annoying, hard-to-reach itches!

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Who knows what fear lurks in the hearts of men? MIKE BOBSICO KNOWS! And if you give him a decent tip when he delivers your mail , he might tell you.

I don't see why. Maybe for the overall contest, but not for this round. This, I have decreed.

Spam the board with enough dumbass entries, however, and I'll ignore the rest you submit.

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

The man that keeps SWEB going by skagg 5-26-01

Aww shit! I left the bathroom light on!

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Who knows what fear lurks in the hearts of men? MIKE BOBSICO KNOWS! And if you give him a decent tip when he delivers your mail , he might tell you.

my 3rd and final contribution unless i choose to do another

Old habits die hard by skagg 5-26-01

The worst bit is i can't escape the smell! *pfft* Ooh, eggy!

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Who knows what fear lurks in the hearts of men? MIKE BOBSICO KNOWS! And if you give him a decent tip when he delivers your mail , he might tell you.

Speculating or copyrighting?

Hmmm....

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.