All comics by El_Phen

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by El_Phen
6-13-05
So. Jay. You want to tell me why your hand is down yourpants while you play with your nipple?
To be honest it's a comnination of things.
A combination of what?
Glue, a picture of Dave, and too much time on my hands.

 

by El_Phen
6-14-05
Via the inter-web, I speak to James in France.
Dude. Can you keep a secret? Michelle has decided she wants to do me with a strap-on!
Hmmm, tricky. Let me think about it. Don't worry. I wont tell anyone.
Back in Britain...
ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha
I bring this on myself don't I?

 

by El_Phen
6-14-05
*cough* *cough*
You sick @$£%
What did I do?
Coughing in front of a smoker!
How's that bad?
Well you wouldn't dance in front of a guy in a wheelchair would you?

 

by El_Phen
6-14-05
Damn! You win again Neil! How do you do it?
Oh you know. I've studied all the statistical outcomes. carefully planned my tactics...
...studied the battlefield and terrain and played accordingly.
Wow. I wish I could do that
The next day...
...and then he'll roll a 3.
Cheers boss.

 

by El_Phen
6-14-05
Darren sits thoughtfully, contemplating current events in a local hostelry, when...
So...A cowboy...
...a clown...
...and Jesus come into a bar...
There's a joke in there somewhere.

 

by El_Phen
6-14-05
Hey Darren, do you want to go to the pictures today?
Why what's on?
There's the new Michael Jackson film about his trial ordeal.
What's it called?
Kiddie-fiddler on the roof.

 

by El_Phen
6-15-05
James. How do you know Dave?
He's the guy I have sex with
Oh...well how long have you known him?
I've known him to be about 6 inches, somethines bigger.
Why 's your hand in your pants?
Dave's standing behind you.

 

by El_Phen
6-15-05
Dude. why's your eye like that?
I'm practising my Roger Moore impression.
And what's with the little bow-tie?
It's a fashion statement. It says "This manis controlled and unafraid to express his individuality."
So how com you look like an effeminate, paedophile, butler?
How else do you expect me to get a job at Neverland?

 

by El_Phen
6-15-05
So how'd the interview go?
Didn't get it.
What happened? Did you make fun of his hair or something?
No nothing like that. I just mentioned that when using my services discretion was assured.
You winked at him when you said it didn't you?
I also said I knew a guy called Phil with contacts in Cambodia. Apparently the timings all wrong or something. They're going to keep me on file though in case something comes up.

 

by El_Phen
6-15-05
I've just spoke to Darren. Apparently you're looking for a job?
Yeah. I've been out of work fora while. I'm pretty desperate.
I've applied for office jobs, sales jobs. Hell, I even applied to be Michael Jackson's butler!
His butler? Chris, think for a moment, is that how low you're willing to go to get money?
You want me to blow you don't you?
And don't forget to swallow.

 

by El_Phen
6-15-05
Neil, how's being the modern incarnation of Death working out?
Oh you know, the job has its moments.
For example, I can now exist outside of time and am thus no longer subject to its consequences. I have, therefore, proven conclusively that a) There is no God. and b) There is no fate.
Anything else?
I get to watch hot red-headed chicks in the shower who then die.
Sweet.

 

by El_Phen
6-16-05
Neil and Dave discuss an upcoming gig...
Hi Dave. Are you ready for tonight's gig?
You know it dude. In fact, I 've been practicing something special for the performance.
Well...what?
At the end of the show, if the crowd like us,I'll do a solo. Iif they boo, I'll hand out some vibrators
Why?
If they like us I'll play on if not they can go fuck themselves

 

by El_Phen
6-16-05
During a gig, while Dave is in the middle of a 5 minute solo, Neil takes time out to chat to the audience.
Are you having fun then?
Yeah it's great man! I can't believe how awesome you are!
I've noticed Dave has a very different guitar style to you. Do you ever think people prefer his to your own?
Dave? Oh don't worry about him. I'm not worried.
No, but he'll play with himself for a while, groan when he's about to finish and anyone watching will laugh. Though the ladies go home feeling strangely unsatisfied. While I'm still going strong.
Are we still talking about music?

 

by El_Phen
6-18-05
Feeling amorous whilst away from Sharon. James trawls the local pick-up joints for 'company'
Too young.
Too old.
It's £10 for oral £20 for anything else and don't shoot your load in my face.
Just right!

 

by El_Phen
6-18-05
After a heavy nights' rockin', Dave needs to recuperate and face the new day...
Oh God. What the HELL was I thinking? More to the point what was I DRINKING!? Double tequila slammers with a whisky chaser? Never again.
How did I get home? Last thing I remember is singing YMCA on the karaoke...
Hello Big Boy
Oh crap not again!

 

by El_Phen
6-18-05
Dave calls Neil to find out what happened...
Dude. It happened again!
What? Did you get high and kill a prostitute?
No. I...
Well, did youget caught screwing a sheep while videoing yourself?
No but...hey I never did that? Why the hell would I do that?
Well, I have known you to fuck some real pigs.

 

by El_Phen
6-18-05
Go on. Pull my finger.
Dude! For the tenth time NO!

 

by El_Phen
6-18-05
Neil and Dave discuss the important matters of the day. Whilst stoned out of their minds obviously.
Dude that's some goood shit! Where'd you get it?
Ah...Um...Some guy?
Anyone we know?
Err...that guy I think. Hey man, did we get this from you?
I don't know dude but it's some goood shit. Anyone got something to eat?

 

by El_Phen
6-19-05
Damn it I dropped it.... Wait a minute...Alright, now just move overe and I'll look for the light switch.
...
Come on, come on, it's around here somewhere.
...!
I've already told you. If you'd just stop screaming I wouldn't have had to slip you rohipnol and sew your lips together. Now, where's that vaseline?

 

by El_Phen
6-19-05
Please note, the following is translated from the original French. One day, outside James' house in France
Hello, I'm from the Child Protection service. We've had some disturbing news regardng children going missing in your area and we'd like to ask you some questions.
Well of course I'll help in any way that I can.
Well we've heard that a number of east Asian children have been imported from Vietnam and sold to an underground child-sex ring.
I'm sorry I don't know anything about that.
Hi Joe! Me love you long time. Sucky, sucky five dolla?
You couldn't have stayed quiet just ten more minutes?

 

by El_Phen
6-20-05
Chris2 and Michelle find themselves still captive in the mind of a sick individual
So.. We're still in James' dream then?
Oh don't worry, it's not too bad being a fantasy character in his mind. In fact, we're coming up to an interesting part soon.
What happens? Knowing him I'm sure it'll involve various items being inserted into my various orrifices.
No, no. Nothing like that.
They are suddenly transported to a nearby dungeon
Well, what is it?
Well, it's not a case of various items and various orrifices. It's ONE item and ONE orrifice. Incidentally I reccommend you lube up. He has, shall we say, an INFLATED opinion of himself.

 

by El_Phen
6-24-05
Whilst at Dave's house one day, Neil discovers a young Vietnamese girl locked in a wardrobe.
Hmm.
Errr.
This is awkward isn't it?
Kind of...Yeah... He told me you were 30....Will you still do me for £5?

 

by El_Phen
6-24-05
After a long and arduous search, the band FINALLY recruit a new bassist.
So, Paul, are you ok with all of our songs?
Sure dude. I'e been practising for weeks. In fact I've been thinking about putting in a few Bass solo's. You know, just give me something extra to do.
.....
Well? What do you think?
One severe pummelling later...
*groan*
You suggested doing your own solo to Neil didn't you? Dude, what have I told you about him and the spot light?

 

by El_Phen
6-25-05
After some fluke of the universe, Dave wins a game and gloats.
HA HA HA HA HA HA! I WIN! Bow before my greatness peasant!
O.k. You've won. Get over it. It's statistically possible that, at some point, you WILL win something.
Shut up LOSER! I urinate on your efforts to detract from my Uber-greatness you filthy LOSER!
Dude, we know. You've won. Fancy a game of Super Bomberman?
I am the best! You suck monkey balls etc. etc.
Jesus Christ! I'm off to play illuminati with Phil to calm down.

 

by El_Phen
6-25-05
So what are you doing?
I'm just playing Super Bomber Man. Want a game?
Shortly...
You blew me up you bastard DIE! DIE! DIE!
Damn it Dave! Will you stop going after me! It's just a game!
Meanwhile...Somewhere in Cornwall...
Excellent. your training has gone well young one. Now, FINISH HIM and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!

 

by El_Phen
6-25-05
In the middle of a show, Neil opens up the floor for a Q & A session with their fans.
Wow. Thanks for those applause. Now comes the fun bit. The Q & A session. So..first question..you, over there, in the black.
Neil, I've noticed that when you're rocking like a mofo Dave just stands there and strums occasionally...
Well what's your question?
...well, my question is. why IS Dave in the band
Someone's got to carry the amps.
Ah...It all makes sense now.

 

by El_Phen
7-21-05
So did you like the holiday chris2?
Yeah it was great lots of lovely scenery, the walks were fantastic and the air was so fresh it was unbelievable!
It was just a shame about those damn Midges. The little bastards were at me so much I started to bleed!
Yeah they did suck big time didn't they?
In Scotland...
Bend over bithch. Your ass is MINE!
Well, o.k. but use lube this time.

 

by El_Phen
7-21-05
Dave! I just got off the phone to the president of Sony in the UK. He's heard a few of our songs and wants to sign us on a five album deal!
Bitchin'! Finally I'll get to live out my Rock Star dreams of money and fame!
Yeah, and that's not the best bit, he's also sending over some Veitnamese prostitutes to celebrate....Dave?
WAY ahead of you amigo.
Sucky, sucky fi dolla?

 

by El_Phen
7-21-05
Hi Paul, sorry I haven't been around much, I've been really busy with work. We'll get back on track with the band as soon as this busy period is over o.k.?
Oh, that's fine. I've been rehearsing with Dave anyway.
What you've had practice sessions without me?
Well..if you substitute the word 'practice' for 'secret anal-abuse using robots and chains'...then yes, I have.
.......
I really have been rehearsing though

 

by El_Phen
7-28-05
Hi Dave, glad to see that instead of imbibing a copious amount of hallucinogens you’re taking an interest in writing songs and posting them on internet forums for intellectual debate on the lyrics.
Dude
Wait...What was that that just popped up?
Dude?
You're stoned and looking at porn aren't you?
*Nodding* DUDE!

 

by El_Phen
7-28-05
Dave, have you ever noticed how many of our conversations involve the word "dude", indeed, many of them involve ONLY that word.
*Nodding* Dude.
Do you ever think that it may be a little unfair that I provide the underlying theme for each conversation while you just say the word "dude"?
Dude?
How is it that while I need several LONG sentances to express myself you need only ever say "dude"!
*Nods knowingly and offers beer* Dude.

 

by El_Phen
7-30-05
This is gay, this is gay, this is gay, this is Uber Gay
This is shit, this is shit, this is Uber shit
Thanks for helping me sperate my Scat and Lesbian porn movies Dave!
No problem dude!

 

by El_Phen
7-30-05
Darren is listening to Chris2 whine on (again)
Man I REALLY need a job.
Dude with YOUR luck you couldn't get a hand-job from a crack-whore!
I'm going to go away and cry in a cupboard now.
Ah, my work here is done. Now, where'd I put that pint...?

 

by El_Phen
7-30-05
After rocking-out at another Uber successful gig the band sign autographs for their several fans too stoned to know who they really are.
Dude, who are you? I thought the bassist in this band was called Laura?
DAMMIT! You just looked at the inter-web site didn't you? My name is PAUL monkey-breath! PAUL!
Oh...so...PV is a total sausage-fest right?
Damn right it is and that's just the way I like it!
Dude is he gay?
You mean you're NOT!?

 

by El_Phen
7-30-05
For some bizarre reason Jesus attends a Perfect Virus gig.
Wow! That was great. Oh, hi Jesus! How's it hangin'?
You know that gets funnier EVERY time I hear it?
Oh come on, like the song says, "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands."
You're pushing it.
Hey Jesus, it's too late for me to go home. Can you put me up for the night? It's o.k. I've got my own nails.
How about a little less blasphemy and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!

 

by El_Phen
8-12-05
The Perfect Virus boys are waiting in a recording studio to practice with their new drummer. Dave, being Dave, is outside getting stoned.
So where's our new drummer?
He said he'd be here in about an hour. Do yo uwant to go over the set list again?
Two hours later...
Screw this I'm going to get me some pizza, booze and women. You want to come?
Sure
However no one tells Dave so, around midnight...
Hi Dave! I'm Spliffy the Splif! If you smoke me you'll go to a magical land where you don't smell and women like you!
Sweet.

 

by El_Phen
8-12-05
While on holiday in Scotland, we tried getting Darren interested in the scenery.
Dude. Have you seen that mountain over there? It's Ben Nevis.
Ben Nevis? That reminds me there's a pub called the Ben Nevis just over there.
We tried arousing an interest in history...
Hey D. This monument is dedicated to the Glencoe massacre
Glencoe? Name of a whiskey isn't it? Speaking of which there's this lovely little pub just down the road...
We at leas thought geography was safe.
Darren. I've got an Atals. Can you show me where we are?
Atlas? Yes, the Atlas brewery IS around here somewhere. Let's go on the tour.

 

by El_Phen
8-12-05
Seeking new sexual thrills, James turns to the latest in technology to fulfil his perverted sexual fantasies.
Now, I want you to insert some fishing hooks into your skin and start defecating while I tug on the hooks with this line attached to my nipples
When I'm about to shoot my load I want you to start fisting me with your 'Donkey' attatchment and scream "Don't eat yellow snow!"
10 minutes later
Look this isn't working, just go and get the 'Dave' mask and some lube and don't forget to squeal "This is Gay!"

 

by El_Phen
8-12-05
I'm going to a BBQ today do you fancy coming?
Sure sounds like a laugh
Later, at the Barbeque
Wait a minute, no one's eating the Burgers I brought?
So, you're saying it's a total sausage-fest? I wonder if anyone wants my 'Special Sauce' on their buns?
I don't think even Frankie Goes To Hollywood were THIS gay
I'll just go to the food table and see if I can 'Toss the Salad'.

 

by El_Phen
8-13-05
1...
...2...
...3...
...4...
...5.
Yep, They're all here. Time for my trip to Neverland.

 

by El_Phen
8-13-05
Dave is let for a rehearsal and the rest of Perfect Virus are not happy.
Damn it! Dave was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago!
Yeah! Where the hell IS he?
30 minutes later...
This is just getting stupid.
I swear if he's not here in the next 10 minutes he's out of the band!
Yeah! We don't need him. I know plenty of other guys that would LOVE to join this Man-fest. And I bet THEY wouldn't object to wearing a studded leather thong on stage!
Yeah he...wha?

 

by El_Phen
8-15-05
The Godfather
so, all your enemies are dead. Your dad and brother are dead and there's a huge line of people outside your door calling you 'Don Corleone'. Are you involved in crime?
No.
Godfather 2
Oh well I've killed my brother and alienated my family to gain power and money. Fuckin' SWEET!
Godfather 3
Everyone I've ever met is dead. I'm all alone and in a wheel chair. Jesus I wish they'd left it a two movies and not made this crock of shit. Might as well die then...

 

by El_Phen
8-15-05
I sure hope no one colonised that planet I went were we found that weird spaceship and that alien that killed everyone.
Funny thing...fancy a trip into space?
AAARRRRGGGHHH! Everyone's dying! They're trying to get me implanted with an alien! Fuck it, I'm going to blow the shit out of this place and pimp off into space for a bit.
Don't forget to rescue that kid that reminds you of your daughter and kill that Alien Queen.
Good thing I could use that lifting machine thing (as made obvious in the first act). Certainly came in handy for alien killing! Shame about that robot and the rest of them that died though.
Yeah well it's time we went into cryogenic sleep for a few years. LEt's set course for a random planet that was used as a prison. We should be safe there.

 

by El_Phen
8-16-05
James, I don't care HOW FAR away from Earth we are this doesn't count as 'International Waters'. Dressing me up as an elf and nailing my feet to the floor is still illegal.
Well if I didn't you'd float away! Now bend over and think of Christmas.

 

by El_Phen
8-16-05
YEAH! SPANK ME! I'VE BEEN A VERY BAD BOY!
Harder! Faster! YES! YES!
Alas, poor Yorrik. I've shot my load

 

by El_Phen
8-17-05
Mama Cass.................Jeff Buckley
Bet ya I can eat all of this in one go!
I'm going for a swim.
John Lennon.............Buddy Holly
Have you got a question to ask? Alright, shoot.
No, flying'll be quicker trust me.
Kurt Cobain...............Freddie Mercury
What are you talking about? It's not even loaded. Look.
You're right, I hate condoms too

 

by El_Phen
8-18-05
Jay, do you remember when I told you about that 'Michelle wanting to violate me with a strap-on' and you supposedly not telling anyone?
What did you think would happen? And besides, I didn't say I wouldn't tell anyone you dolt!
Well, it was a personal thing and I was more than a little upset. Especially asit always gets brought up whenever I'm around.
Look. It was only a few months ago, it'll die down and we'll start mocking something else don't worry.
20 years later...
....but at least MY other half doesn't want to ass-rape me.Heh, heh, heh.
I HATE you James.

 

by El_Phen
8-18-05
Dave and Neil discuss the new addition to the band. For some reason in a pub. Can't think why...
So we've finally got a drummer then?
Yeah, he's starting today. We've got to get him up to speed quickly so we can start gigging again as soon as possible!
Well, let's just hope that he's not a cock-obsessed weirdo like our bassist.
Yeah, he keeps going on about this band benig a 'sausage-fest'. Hell, he's even gigging with another guy. Like he's not surrounded by them enough or something.
Dave is in the toilet when the drummer arrives...
Cooeee. Well hellooo sailor. I LOVE the hair. It gives me something to hold onto!
Some days, I SWEAR I shouldn't get out of bed.

 

by El_Phen
8-18-05
After another fantastic gig, Dave is approached by a member of the audience.
Dude, you suck. From what I've just heard you suck....
WHAT!? I've put my heart and soul into that performance, I've been rehearsing for WEEKS. Getting my timing right, adjusting my performance to my surroundings...
several minutes of rant later...
...And YOU! You know nothing, talentless shit-weasel DARE to come to me after what I believe to be a fantastic gig and tell me I suck! That's fucked up you ass-munching clown!
What? I thought you played really well. I was just in the toilet with your drummer and he said you're famous for giving oral to your girlfriend. I wondered if you'd do me?
Well why didn't you SAY so? Step into my office young lady and we'll 'talk'.

 

by El_Phen
8-25-05
Her point of view
You NEVER listen to a word I say! I try and tell you my innermost feelings and thoughts and you stare blankly as though you're in a world of your own!
It's not enough that I put myself on the line with you. Open up more than I ever have done. NO! You just have that same stupid grin on your face and that same blank expression!
Dave's point of view
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Her boobs jiggle about when she's mad.

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