All comics by UnknownEric

Profile

 

by UnknownEric
6-04-04
Hey Neal!
Roger, thanks for coming over on such short notice.
Dude, I'm always there for a friend with girl troubles.
Girl troubles? No, no, no... I said "squirrel" troubles.
Squirrel troubles?
The fuck you lookin' at, bitch?

 

by UnknownEric
6-05-04
Damn it. I can't do it!
Can't do what, Maura?
I'm trying to trace this picture of Tom and I can't do it!
Tom? Did you know he made a bet with his friends to turn you from art geek into prom queen?
Well, Tom may change me, but I can't trace Tom.
*groan*

 

by UnknownEric
6-07-04
Vote for me and I'll lower your taxes and return morality to this great nation.
Wow.
How about you?
Vote for me and I'll fight for a living wage and personal freedom for you and your children.
So when do we rape her?
Not till AFTER the inauguration, dickhead!

 

by UnknownEric
6-08-04
as the music swells and they begin to sing...
It's up my ass!
It's up his ass!
It's up my ass!
It's up his ass!
Hey buddy, can you get this thong out of my ass?
That thong out of your aaaaaassss....

 

by UnknownEric
6-08-04
I cant stand my father, he is SUCH an asshole!
Oh goodness, i know! Just last week he got me whipped for playing grab-ass with the angels!
I wonder what Satan thinks about my dad, I mean he can't still be sour at him for the whole "eternal damnation" thing
Hmmm...
Do I look gay in this?
Not at all.

 

by UnknownEric
6-08-04
Hello officer.
Hello.
My Grandma shot Lincoln.
One of these days I'll learn to keep my big mouth shut!

 

by UnknownEric
6-08-04
And kick and step and twirl and step and...
Everybody was kung-fu fighting! Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
I have feelings too!

 

by UnknownEric
6-15-04
HELLO...? MONSIGNOR...?

 

by UnknownEric
6-21-04
Mom, I need to talk to you...
Sure honey, what's wrong?
I had a drunken one night stand with Aaron and now I'm pregnant.
WHAT?!?!?!
Just kidding. Actually I'm a crack addict.
Phew... well, as long as you're not pregnant...

 

by UnknownEric
7-01-04
Welcome to hell, my son. Before I commence torturing you for all eternity, I will answer one burning question you may have.
Well, I've always wondered... you, Satan, are pretty damn scary...
Why, thank you!
But is there anything that even you're afraid of?
Courtney Love.
Gah!

 

by UnknownEric
7-03-04
And that's why questioning the government should ALWAYS be a good idea.
I agree.
Dick Cheney! You agree?!?!
Darn tootin'. Say, young friend, could I interest you in a drink? There's a great gay bar down the street.
Gay bar? What the hell happened to you?
TOBOR helped open my mind. And my anus.

 

by UnknownEric
7-05-04
Holy cow, you're Gerald Miller, 50th round pick of the Chicago Cubs, 1494th overall, out of Prairie View A&M University! How did it feel to be drafted?
Wait... I was drafted?

 

by UnknownEric
7-07-04
Hi, I'm Mike Nesmith.

 

by UnknownEric
7-12-04
Let's see what people are saying. "Unknown in the Biblical sense - andy."
That's such a lie!
Right, Rosie?

 

by UnknownEric
7-12-04
Hi there.
Hi.
I'm naked, you know.
What the fuck just happened?

 

by UnknownEric
7-12-04
Hello, ma'am. My name is Wes.
Nice to meet you, sonny.
By the way, I'm naked.
Come back so I can get a better look at that sweet ass!

 

by UnknownEric
7-12-04
At the local newspaper.
Boss! Boss! I have tomorrow's front page scoop! There's a fully clothed man going around telling people he's naked!
That's the most exciting thing since that circus midget stopped by the local malt shop!
We should just kill ourselves.
I'll get the pills.

 

by UnknownEric
7-12-04
Kerra, have you heard about the guy who thinks he's naked?
Actually, Rob, I was just going to bring him up.
Why's that?
I'm leaving you for him.
You're leaving me for the "naked guy?" I'm not just hurt... I'm publicly humiliated.
You think that's bad, just wait till I show everyone those pictures of you...

 

by UnknownEric
7-12-04
Hi, Rob. What can I do for you?
I want you to arrest a man on indecent exposure charges.
Who? The guy who thinks he's naked but isn't? There isn't a law against that...
Can you make one?

 

by UnknownEric
7-17-04
Hip-hop of late has become incredibly stagnant and boring. To infuse some of the spirit of the old school, let me present to you the Funky Four Minus Two!
Well, my name is Fred and I'm here to say I can rock all night and rock all day.
Now scream!
On second thought...

 

by UnknownEric
7-17-04
Hi, sweetheart...
No.
You don't even know what I was going to say?
You were going to ask me for sex. The answer is no.
Pretty please?
No.

 

by UnknownEric
7-19-04
Ahh, Matisse, my kitten. I've been so down lately. Maybe it's because my wife has been away the last three weeks...
I think I'm going to bite your leg.
...or maybe I'm just tired of my job and...OWW! What'd you do that for, you little bastard?
Ahh, Chairman Meow. Maybe you'll listen to Daddy's woes.
I think I'm going to bite your leg.

 

by UnknownEric
7-19-04
Fine Arts Department, can I help you?
Yes, I have a painting I want you to tell me the value of. I don't know the name of it or when it was painted, and I can only tell from the signature that the artist's name starts with a B.
What is the painting of?
Oh, I don't know. Some landscape or something. So how much is it worth?
Fuck this shit.
Hello? Hello? I need a price! Hello?

 

by UnknownEric
7-19-04
Fine Arts Department, can I help you?
Yes, I want you to find me the sheet music for a song I heard once about 60 years ago. All I remember is that it had something to do with hats.
Hello?
Yeah, uhh... have you tried calling Miss Cleo yet? Because this is a library, not a goddamn mind reading service.
*CLICK*

 

by UnknownEric
7-20-04
So when the vampires come, I stake them with this piece of wood, right?
Well, you've learned all that I can teach you. I'm off to the bar, see you next episode.
Okay, here comes my first... priest? What the fuck?
Sorry, we couldn't afford vampires, so we went for the next scariest thing.
A priest?
Well, the fact that you're not a twelve-year old boy might lessen the fear...

 

by UnknownEric
7-21-04
Hi, can you answer this ridiculous and unanswerable question for me?
Just give me one minute.
The back office.
SHITFUCKPISSGODDAMN!
Okay, shoot.

 

by UnknownEric
7-24-04
Hey, I thought you had polio? Lets discuss this underwater for one more panel and then go to your bedroom for some reason. So, do you have polio?
No, I played water polo for the U.S. Olympic Team?
Holy crap! Where?
Where the fuck do you think?
The hospital?

 

by UnknownEric
7-26-04
The following is entirely true, except for the parts I made up. I was born in Zurich, Switzerland in 1947 to a blonde ski instructor named Abigail.
Ya, I think I just gave birth.
Nobody knew who my father was, but speculation pointed to the decaying corpse of Oscar Wilde.
I say, Oscar, tell me another one.
I said, "Either the wallpaper goes or my left foot does."
I was quickly secreted away by the CIA, who trained me from a young age in the art of industrial espionage.
So I infiltrate the ranks of Skinny Puppy, and...
For the last time, wrong definition of "industrial," putz.

 

by UnknownEric
7-30-04
Cruisin' to the Senior Center, late one Friday night... saw a guy lookin' jus' so fly, his suspenders was tight!
Fell over on my ass, tryin' to show off ma bling.
And from that slip, I done broke my hip... now I can't do the Wild Thing!

 

by UnknownEric
7-30-04
One heart attack in B6, they all run down the hall... the nursing home is about to have some bodies turn cold...
...now the doctor's are screamin', it's a tad bit late...
...he stole my pills, I had to regulate!

 

by UnknownEric
8-02-04
Hey, I got my assignment from the News today... I'm going to be interviewing Richard Marx before his concert!
No way... that's priceless.
First thing I'm going to ask him is if he realizes that his name is Dick Marx.
Pssh. I'm sure he gets that all the time.
So Richard... did you realize your name is Dick Marx.
Oh my God, no! Why, I'm just going to have to retire now! Dick Marx, you say? Gah!

 

by UnknownEric
8-03-04
You come here often?
Can I buy you a drink?
Whoa, slow down baby, I don't even know your name yet.

 

by UnknownEric
8-04-04
physics equations... physics equations... physics equations... physics equations...
GRATUITOUS DEGENERATE SEX!
...physics equations... physics equations... physics equations... physics equations...

 

by UnknownEric
8-05-04
Here we have little Crystal the Crack Baby. Crystal, what does your mommy do for a living?
Peddles her fanny for drug money!
Hoo hoo, "peddles her fanny." Where do kids get these kooky phrases?
Mommy also killed a man for a hit.
Isn't she the sweetest thing?
I'll suck your cock for crack!

 

by UnknownEric
8-10-04
Hey, I hear it's your birthday! How old are you?
*mumble mumble*
What was that?
I'm 29, okay? 29! One more year before they have to shoot me and send me to the glue factory!
Sorry I asked...
I mean, 30 for a rock and roller is like death, only worse! It's death where you have to keep living!

 

by UnknownEric
8-11-04
You just spend 30 seconds waiting for a joke that didn't happen, sucker.

 

by UnknownEric
8-15-04
Hi, I'm Dick Clark. Welcome to my new series, where I play you lost demos of classic hits. Here's a very early working version of Jim Croce's classic "Time in a Bottle."
If my penis fit in a bottle...
...the first thing that I'd try to do...
...is come in a Coke, give a Pepsi a poke...
...give it hard to this Mountain Dew...

 

by UnknownEric
8-15-04
Welcome back, I'm Dick Clark. This next one is sure a doozy. The lost original demo recording of "Santa Monica" by Everclear...
I am still wanking on my... pud... been wanking so hard, gonna draw blood...
...but I don't wanna use no... hand creeeeam... I don't wanna use no KY shit anymo'...

 

by UnknownEric
8-17-04
Wasn't that something? Now here we have an old school classic, as we've dug up the original take of Kurtis Blow's seminal "The Breaks."
Clap your hands, everybody / if you got what it takes / cause I'm Kurtis Blow / and I want you to know / that I have the shakes!
Someone call an ambulance, please!

 

by UnknownEric
8-20-04
The computer says it costs 60 cents to make 3 prints. Do I pay you?
No, if you put money into that machine over there, it will credit your account and the computer will take the money right out of your account.
But I don't have any money.
So then how were you going to pay ME for the copies?
I just exploded your head with logic, didn't I?

 

by UnknownEric
8-21-04
And next, boys and girls, the Happy Scrappy Show brings you the comic stylings of Dick Hertz!
Yayyyyyyyyyy!
Hey! You kids ever fuck a broad on downers? Oh!
Huh?
Later...
Mommy, what's a blumpkin?

 

by UnknownEric
8-23-04
So, you're going home to Buffalo for the weekend, huh?
Yep. Haven't been back in a little while. I hope it still looks the same.
What I see on the way.
Welcome to Burger King. Can I help you?
Yeah, gimme 35 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches and 10 gallons of Pepsi, please.
Wow! It DOES still look the same! *sniffle*

 

by UnknownEric
8-24-04
The Commercial Audition Theory
Your vacuum cleaner ate my pants. There was nuthin' I could do...
I'm sorry, we decided to go with Dave Chappelle.
The Fashion Forward Theory
It's all the rage in Paris.
Wow, I'm going to lose my pants too!
The Painful Rash Theory
You see what I got for my fie dollah?
No refunds, no exchange.

 

by UnknownEric
8-24-04
Three minutes ago.
Hello, Fine Arts Department. Can I help you?
Yes, I have a painting by an artist named Peter Karsch.
Would you like information about the artist?
No, I'd like information about the artist.
Hello?

 

by UnknownEric
8-26-04
What would you like for your birthday, mum?
A guinea pig would be nice.
Say, instead of a guinea pig, why don't I give my mum Equatorial Guinea?
Brilliant!
Oy, yev been nicked.
Bugger.

 

by UnknownEric
8-26-04
Hmm, dad's birthday is coming up. What to get the man who was President?
Aha! I got it!
Happy birthday, Dad, I invaded Iraq!
I told Barb she should have had an abortion...

 

by UnknownEric
9-03-04
In 1901, the then-booming city of Buffalo hosted an exposition featuring all of the exciting advances of the day.
Let us hold an exposition!
Hoorah!
They invited President McKinley, who was then shot in the Temple of Music by an anarchist named Leon Czolgosz.
Now you will die.
Oh dear.
But really, it was all a show to allow McKinley to go into hiding, where he remains to this day with Elvis, Andy Kaufman and Jim Morrison.
You're king of WHAT again?
The lizard king, bitch.

 

by UnknownEric
9-04-04
Your school books tell you that the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand was one of the flashpoints that led to World War I.
Ow. I've been shot.
WAR!!!!
What they don't tell you is that he was murdered by Lee Harvey Oswald in association with the Masons, the Temperance Guild, and radical Unitarians.
Our secret plan is a success!
Huzzah!
Much like the current unwillingness to admit that John Ashcroft is an cornholing robot designed by the CIA.
RAAAAR! ASHCROFT WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
Not tonight, I've got a headache.

 

by UnknownEric
9-04-04
I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!
What's a bunghole?
Later...
So I saids, 'Wrecked 'em? I damn nearly killed 'em!'

 

by UnknownEric
9-10-04
Go fuck yourself!
Okay.
*grunt* *groan* Ow! *grunt* Dammit!
I don't know how YOU do it, but I was thoroughly unsuccessful.

Showing page 10.

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