All comics by andydougan

Profile

 

by andydougan
7-06-02
Hee hee! Now I'll do a strip highlighting the parallels between 9/11 and US plans in the Sixties to frame Cuba for terrorism! Wait, somebody's at the door.
Vice President Dick Cheney!
Your subversive comics threaten to destroy the military-industrial complex. I've come to tell you to stop making them or we'll have the CIA bump you off.
Wow! I had no idea I was having such an effect! I've really got you fascists on the run now, eh?
Just kidding. I actually just popped round to laugh at how crap your strips are.

 

by andydougan
7-12-02
Cherie, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is they've added more art to Stripcreator.
The bad news is that some of it looks unnervingly like you.
Oh well, how bad can it be? Show me a mirror!
Er, no.

 

by andydougan
7-13-02
At the last local elections, we fielded candidates in 93% of seats against Labour's 97%. Next time, we must field candidates in all seats.
I'm livin' like a nigga who's done lost his mind.
Sorry, you were saying?

 

by andydougan
7-15-02
Sweet Mary. I think this guy's been walking right behind me for five minutes. And I can't look round or I'll appear timid.
Perhaps he's just coincidentally walking the same route. I'll just keep my eyes straight ahead and walk imperceptibly more quickly.
Okay, this may be stretching happenstance a bit far.
This is great - this tit's wallet has been leaking for ten minutes now!

 

by andydougan
7-15-02
Nice cross.
Thanks, I like it too. It's the nine-inch nails I'm not so keen on.
Or at least your present locale vis-a-vis them and the cross.
Yes.
...so then I let him touch my special place in exchange for eternal salvation.
Dammit, Suzy, we nailed that pervert up there to *stop* him doing that!

 

by andydougan
7-16-02
You know the hard thing about this "What Are The Rules Of This Contest"?
I think we have a more urgent problem right now.
It's making rule-compliant strips that are also funny.
Shit.
You're not listening to me, old man!
So sue me.

 

by andydougan
7-16-02
Did they name the colour orange after the fruit, or the fruit after the colour?
Dunno.
The smart money is on the colour, I'd say.
What about "fly"? Which came first, the insect or the thing it does?
Hey, Candi Essex, is this really a relevant conversation to be having in #teensex?
Candi E...oh yeah, that's right. Candi Essex.

 

by andydougan
7-18-02
Following the IRA's apology for killing civilians who somehow got in the way of bombs planted to kill them, world leaders decide to be buds. From Washington...
Saddam, let's share a whore. Or two, or three, or maybe even more!
Could you start selling me mustard gas again, then? I have Kurds in my way.
...to Jerusalem...
Yasser, me old mucker, I only occupied Palestinian territories because of a repressed desire to have sex with you. Let's see what's under that towel!
Akbar!
...to London.
Hmm. I don't really have any enemies to make up with. Maggie?
Hey, I've always been on your side, Tony! Pass the gin, will you?

 

by andydougan
7-18-02
Iain Duncan Smith, Conservative leader, at the party conference
This government has no backbone! It's not so much "Labour" as "nae baws"!
Come on, you're meant to clap at that bit!
Clap what? You in irons?

 

by andydougan
7-23-02
Ladies and gentlemen, please be calm. We apologise for the adverse effects of our teleporters, and are prepared to give you a full refund.
We realise that our product may still have a few bugs to be ironed out.
Wow, I can't believe he actually used that line. So then what happened?
Jimmy cocooned him in a web, and the rest of us swarmed him and ate his guts.

 

by andydougan
7-24-02
Shocks at the Conservative Party reshuffle
Hey, baldie! What are these rumours I've been hearing?
I'm afraid it's true, David. You're out.
I can't believe it. After all I've done for me! I mean you! Who's taking my place?
A very useless lackwit. But she has a vagina, so she'll encourage the bleeding hearts to support us.
You haven't seen the last of me!
She also has the same name as a porn star, so we're hoping people will mix them up and vote for her. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

 

by andydougan
7-24-02
David Davis has been demoted in the Tory cabinet
Why, that no-good, low-down...friggin fracken friggin fracken...
Psst!
Michael Portillo! What are you doing here?
Not so loud! I'm organising a clandestine dissident faction within the Party. Care to join?
Great! I can use this spic poof to realise my own dark designs on the leadership!
Come the 2010 election, little man, you'll be peeling me grapes and giving me scrotal massages...

 

by andydougan
7-24-02
Gaza
Welp, it seems the IDF's blown up an apartment block full of babies who were harbouring terrorists.
Yeah. Bad babies.
This has made me see sense. I realise now that carrying out suicide bombings against innocent Israelis is not the way.
Yes. The death of our children has taught us a valuable lesson. We are now committed to peace.
Grr! What Sharon done was HEAVY-HANDED! And if that's not condemnation I don't know what is!
I just got here from the UK. Can you send me on to Israel, please?

 

by andydougan
7-27-02
A post-apocalyptic world where the death, the extreme violence, the blood and the screams are everywhere. Earth burnt by the Sun, submerged with the sand, a world which Mad Max would not deny.
The Law of the Toughest is necessary everywhere and in all. To try to survive, the widow and the orphan have only a single chance that to meet a young man dressed in leather:
KENSHIRO! This fighter heir of the Hokuto School will bring so a little of fury in this world of brutes!
The School of Hokuto has for mission to watch the six warriors of the Imperial Palace known under the name of Warriors of the Nanto!
I can never follow these arty foreign films.
Raging Flame Reverse Flow Punch! There are too many who must die!

 

by andydougan
7-29-02
The Daily Record
"Big Brother 3" was TV's lowest ebb! Should be banned! Perversion that it is! They'll show anything in their desperate bid for viewers!
I thought that's what you said about Big Brother 2 last year.
Nah, you must be mistaken. It was nowhere near as bad as this, anyway.
I thought you'd've been pleased. It distracted all the dim people from Labour's trouble with the unions.
What trouble with the unions?

 

by andydougan
7-29-02
The Daily Record
Big Brother 3! The lowest, most decadent piece of money-spinning garbage that was ever shat into creation!
What was so bad about it?
You can find out in today's forty-page pull-out special! Look, a close-up of someone spreading contestant Jade's pussy lips! Has Channel 4 no shame?
I don't remember that on the show.
It wasn't on the show. Our photographer just did that himself.

 

by andydougan
8-02-02
David Davis and Michael Portillo have formed a rebel faction within the Tory Party
Okay, here's the plan. I'll go to the Mirror with those things IDS was saying about West Indians...
Hold it!
What?
Did you read that caption? "David Davis and Michael Portillo have formed a rebel faction within the Tory Party"?! What sort of way is that to start a comic strip?
Yeah, it does kind of not make you want to read any further.
Well, I hope not, cos I can't think of a punchline.

 

by andydougan
8-02-02
Davis and Portillo, Tory rebels
Anyway, where were we?
Why does this champagne socialist keep making strips about the Tories anyway? I think he's a closet Conservative.
Look, we need to come up with a strategy for ousting the leader! If you want to babble on about comic strips, do it elsewhere!
Fine! I'm organising a rebel faction within your rebel faction!
This is going well for the first meeting.

 

by andydougan
8-07-02
KKP is hosting an SC.com fancy dress soiree
Welcome to the party! I like your dragon1-2 costume.
Thanks. Hey, are you serving any pies in here?
Wow, Spankling, you've really put in an effort. Are those real nails? Isn't that a bit painful?
Excruciatingly. And I'm loving it, DexX!
Hi, ObiJo. Like my outfit? Kajun suggested it. He's such a pal!
I dunno, Bazilla. The smell of charring bone is making me a bit giddy.

 

by andydougan
8-16-02
Condoleeza Rice, dove
Saddam Hussein has the capacity to slaughter zillions, nay, jillions! Never has the world known such a threat! Every second he remains in office, the West is in peril!
But we'll wait until after the November elections to dispose of him. Political shrewdness, y'ken.
Sigh. How pathetic this all sounds. My kingdom for another Cold War.
Death squads are fun.

 

by andydougan
8-16-02
King Fahd, evil chap
The Rand Corporation cites Riyadh as a prime sponsor of anti-US terrorism...
Bwuh-whuhhh?
Eep!
Relatives of the 9/11 murders in the States are suing the Saudi royal family, accusing them of complicity in the attacks...
In other news, into Iraq go our brave boys! And guess what they find...OIL! Now what was the only reason we chummed up with the Saudis again...?
Moh!

 

by andydougan
8-16-02
Heh heh! Once we regain control of the Iraqi oilfields, we'll have no use for Saudi Arabia except as yet another slaughterhouse!
Fuck, is this thing on...?
I reckon the sun is setting on the House of Saud. What a shame that'd be.
The House of Saud
Give me suck, slut. And cover your legs while you're about it.
He waited until my third birthday! Things are improving!

 

by andydougan
8-20-02
You don't have to be overly cynical or paranoid to accept that the government may have known this was going to happen. There's enough historical precedence to suggest it's at least feasible.
Even I'm not that cynical. Washington rejected certain intelligence, but I think that even Bush himself, who I think is evil and stupid, would've jumped in front of the planes to prevent this.
I'm no historian, but I have great difficulty thinking of a single instance where a government has been so altruistic. If Dubya would have done that, then he's a total saint.
I can't find where I called W altruistic, but if I did I take it back. I think the "blood for oil" thing, the corporate crime and the death squads down south might mitigate his claim to sainthood.
Realpolitik is as contemptuous of one country's dead as it is of another's. Operation Northwood is just one example that shows that - unless you think cynicism has abated since the 60s.
Anyway, enough stalling. Now eat the damn biscuit!

 

by andydougan
8-28-02
I'm shit at geography. Are Scotland and England separated by water?
No. You ARE shit at geography.
Yes. Which explains the "I'm shit at geography" bit.
I can't even place Latvia on a map.
Surely it's already in place?
Isn't Doctor Doom from Latvia?

 

by andydougan
8-28-02
No, Doctor Doom's from Latveria, a made-up country. Am I the only one who knows anything around here?
Microsoft Encarta says Latveria is a real place.
That can't be.
'Fraid so. Its chief exports are alpaca wool and evil.
What is armpit hair for?

 

by andydougan
8-28-02
If evolution says that everything must have a purpose, why do men have nipples?
Evolution says no such thing. I have Richard Dawkins right here. He'll tell you.
I have Stephen Hawking right here.
Stephen Hawking? Of "All my Shootings be Drive-bys" fame?
I'm the type o' nigger that be playin no games.
Even Tetris?

 

by andydougan
8-30-02
FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP
fap fap fap fap fap fap ...hey...
FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP
That's cheating. Put the Russell Crowe poem away.
fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
fap fap fap fap fap fap fap

 

by andydougan
9-02-02
So we're having our usual Friday night game, and I think I'll be sneaky and use one of your poems to help me win. Sadly, my opponent realises what I'm up to.
Then, to add insult to injury, just as I'm choking down the biscuit he announces that he stepped on a syringe the other week and contracted AIDS.
I'm too embarrassed to go to the doctor, so I wrote to "Just Joan" to ask if it can be transmitted by biscuit. She hasn't replied yet, but I live in hope.
How could one of my poems help you win?

 

by andydougan
9-02-02
Mother. Bad news. I think I may have a fatal sexually transmitted disease.
Huh? You had sex?
Well, you know. Attractive young man, prime of life, sowing my wild...
Oh, wait, you got it through that silly game with the biscuits, didn't you?
It's not just a "silly game". It's a way of life.
Speaking of sexually transmitted diseases, I have an appointment with Russell Crowe in half an hour.

 

by andydougan
9-04-02
I was sick and tired of everything when I called you last night from Glasgow.
I'm not surprised. Glasgow's a dump.
Newly declassified records reveal that it was official government policy between the 1950s and 80s actively to promote poverty in Glasgow in order to suppress the city's left-wing elements.
Yes, readers - this is not fiction!
It defies satire. It really does.
But we'll keep trying anyway.

 

by andydougan
9-17-02
There's a new film out called "O". Apparently it's Othello set in a basketball court.
Othello had a quick first step but no jump shot.
Old Wullie was a b-ball bard, all right. His real name was "Boom Shakalakspeare".
Wullie shakes, he bakes, he loses Stockton, he's in the basket for two *and* the foul!
(crowd goes wild)

 

by andydougan
9-17-02
Wullie talks trash:
I wonder how ethical it is to take funny things other people say and put them in strips for which I get the credit.
Thou bolting hutch of beastliness, in what art thou good but to get taken to the hoop?
I guess I'll leave that question to the philosophers.
Thou stuffed cloakbag of guts: you cannot defense me!

 

by andydougan
9-20-02
Osama "has" bin Laden
Saddam is the most evil man since Caligula. The galaxy has never known such a threat.
Sob! No one ever talks about me anymore!
Mullah Omar! We've got to find a way to get back into the news! Any ideas?
Hey, I know! Let's hire some goons to crash planes into the World Trade Center! We can make up some bullshit about virgins so they'll do it.
Er. I already did that.
Oh. Well, I *have* been living in a cave for the past year.

 

by andydougan
9-22-02
"Dear Joan: The other day I ate a biscuit with HIV-infected semen on it. Could I have caught the virus? Don't tell me to see a doctor because I'm too embarrassed. AD."
"Dear AD: Everyone has problems, so stop whining. P.S. See a doctor."

 

by andydougan
9-22-02
Doctor, I wasn't going to see you about this, but I changed my mind on the advice of "Just Joan". I think I may have HIV. You see, there was this bitch comin' on to me hard...
Wafer, cracker or digestive?
...Digestive.
You sick animal.

 

by andydougan
9-22-02
You're going to die! You're going to die! You're going to die! You're going to die!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I need to make another friend.
"Another"?

 

by andydougan
9-22-02
Edmund Stoiber and Gerhard Schroeder, candidates for Kraut Chancellor
Wir haben die Wahl gewonnen! I'm heppy! I'm heppy!
Not so fast. The SPD are still in the running. Now it's all about who can forge the most votes cast by dead people.
I voted National Socialist.

 

by andydougan
9-22-02
Iain Duncan Smith, Conservative leader
Despite being tied with the Christian Democrats on 42.216%, the SPD's coalition partners did better, so they're back in.
Bah! After Dubya, Chirac and those blackshirts in the Netherlands, I was hoping for a conservative renaissance. But it looks like it wasn't to be.
Now, just to rub his nose in it, here's some footage of Stoiber earlier in the night going on about how he'd won.
We kicked their arses in the war to save them from flower-sniffing communist puffs, and what do they do? They go and elect a whole bunch of them!
A victorious Schroeder promised to abide by his election promise to steal the savings of single parents and give them to multinationals.
I'll believe it when I see it.

 

by andydougan
9-24-02
"Promised to abide by his election promise"? Good word choice, you
COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, mum.

 

by andydougan
9-24-02
I bring sorrow to those who love me. Live still. I am life. Heaven is in your eyes. I am divine. I am oblivion.
I am the god that comes down from the heavens and makes of the earth a heaven.
Shut up.

 

by andydougan
9-24-02
So, this strip's making jokes about HIV now, eh?
Not very good jokes about HIV.
I expect the author thinks that makes him very daring and controversial.
Are you positive about that?
Yes.
Are you HIV positive?

 

by andydougan
9-24-02
Andy Dougan, film critic, at the Odeon
A ticket for "Signs", please.
That'll be £4.50.
I may have a terminal illness. You wouldn't charge a dying man, would you?
No. But I would beat him senseless with a tire iron and drive over him with a dump truck.
Can you give me change of a fiver?
No.

 

by andydougan
9-24-02
What's that noise? Wait, let me turn on the light.
What ho.
Is this meant to be scary?
I can't see it myself.

 

by andydougan
9-28-02
John Major.
Edwina Currie.

 

by andydougan
9-29-02
The Countryside Axis demonstration attracted 400,000 protesters! None of whom were hired, of course. Cough.
Hmm, it looks like our anti-war march didn't do quite that well. But at least our celebrities weren't nits like Vinnie Jones and Anne Robinson.
Moby isn't a nit? Some of your lot were saluting the Iraqi flag! They're really supporters of Saddam!
You'll forgive me if I don't take lessons in morality from people who torture to death for pleasure.
It's funny how we both hate the government and yet don't like each other either.
Hilarious.

 

by andydougan
9-30-02
Prince Charles, prince, and Tony Blair, PM
Uhhh....if the government bans... uhhh...foxhunting one will go and become a concubine in...uhhh... Turkmenistan...
Hey, you know how you right-wingers always say you'll leave the country if you don't get your way? Well, new rule: from now on, you're actually going to do it!
Uhhh...ears... uhhh...
Come on! Come on! Go go go! I'm sure we'll find some other way to spend your multi-million pound subsidies!
Now, who else promised to fuck the fuck off but sadly failed to? ...Ah, but of course...
She calls out to the man on the street/"Sir, can you help me?/"It's cold, and I've nowhere to sleep/"Is there somewhere you can tell me?" P.S. Vote Tory.

 

by andydougan
10-01-02
The blood test results
Give it to me straight, doc. I can take it. Has the biscuit game finally been the death of me?
No, you're clear. However, I haven't seen such high blood semen levels since Rod Stewart's heyday. I'd cut back if I were you.
Phew! Thanks. And don't worry, I've learned my lesson. My biscuit days are behind me.
Also, you might want to get to bed earlier, drink less Red Bull, and refrain from putting on your mother's underclothes when she's out.
You can tell all that from a blood test?
The last one was more of a lucky guess.

 

by andydougan
10-01-02
Andy Dougan and Russell Crowe, film critic and muscular celebrity respectively
According to the doctor I suffer only from non-fatal ailments. Sorry to disappoint. It looks like life is back to normal.
Bah.
So I was watching "Shirtless: Hollywood's Sexiest Men" the other day. It's good to see you're choosing work that suits your acting ability.
When asked, Mr Crowe said he glassed the journalist because "the prick was gettin' out of line". In other news, 8000 died in an earthquake in Guatemala...

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
Ah! Ah! Ah! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Hhh.
Getting cramp in utero is no picnic.

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
Also.
You can't tell if it's day or night.
Like Alaska.

Showing page 10.

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