All comics by fpd

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by fpd
7-18-06
Adam, Steve, why are you hiding from me? Did you see each other naked?
I feel so ashamed, God. It was gross and disgusting. But it's not my fault. Steve tricked me into doing it.
It's not my fault, God. The serpent lied to me. He said it would make me happy, but it only grossed me out.
For your disobedience, you two are both barred from Eden, you will one day die, and that will be the end of the human race.
So, you can eat the fruit of any tree from this garden except one.
Sweet!

 

by fpd
7-19-06
Wow, what a looker! But I'll bet she's way out of my league.
Hey Richard, I'm you from the future. That's your future wife you just passed by.
Are you kidding me? I'm really going to marry Leslie Parrish, who starred in the Star Trek episode in which Kirk kissed Uhura?
Yup, Scotty and Apollo were both gaga over her, and she's going to be all yours. I came back in time so you could get together with her sooner than I did.
Wow, imagine me with the beautiful actress Leslie Parrish. Thanks a lot future me.

 

by fpd
7-19-06
Um, hi Miss Parrish, my future self just came back in time and told me that we would be married one day.
Well, that's the strangest pickup line I've ever heard. Why didn't my future self come back and tell me about you, Richard?
You know who I am?
Well, of course I do. I'm working on the movie adaptation of your book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
So, when would you like to get hitched? Is Saturday good for you?
You're really coming on too strong. We don't even know each other.

 

by fpd
7-19-06
Hi Richard, I'm you from the future.
Yeah, we already met.
That's right. I met the other future me when I was you. I hope I'm not too late. When future me told me that I would marry Leslie Parrish, I screwed things up royally.
Are you telling me now that I'm not going to marry Leslie Parrish?
You have to avoid hitting on her now and just let time take its course.
It may be too late for that. I already hit on her, and she wasn't interested.

 

by fpd
7-23-06
Doctor, don't you ever worry that with all the time travel you do, you might end up seriously wrecking the time stream?
What a silly question, Alison. I have been mucking with the time stream for nine incarnations now, and things are still fine.
Fweep, fweep, fweep, fweep.
So, Doctor, this is your ninth body, and the Daleks have managed to wipe your home planet of Gallifrey from the time stream?
That's right, Rose. I'm now the last of the timelords throughout the entire time stream.

 

by fpd
7-24-06
This is the worst MP3 site ever! I can't find any of my favorite artists!!!
I searched for Paris Hilton, Hilary Duff, and Hi Hi Puffy Amiyumi, but I got nothing, zilch, zero, nada. Know what I'm saying? THIS SITE SUX!
Where is all the good music on this site? Where's Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, or Molly Hatchet? I can't find any of these fine lady singers here! THIS SIGHT SUX!!!
All I could find were some MP3s by a really sucky group called Brad Sucks!
Yeah, Brad sucks! I'll bet he has no fans!!! I feel totally ripped off! Does anyone else feel the same way?
This free trial offer for 50 free MP3s was a total rip-off!!! I want my money back now! I don't know how you make any money. THIS SITE SUX!!!!

 

by fpd
7-26-06
So, after spending days and nights drinking under the Bodhi tree with my good friend Mara, I came up with these four noble truths.
1) Life is suffering. 2) The cause of suffering is consciousness.    3) Freedom from consciousness comes from the attainment of oblivion.
And 4) the way to oblivion is to follow the 8-fold path of drinking yourself into misunderstanding, thoughtlessness, slurred speech, inaction, shiftlessness, laziness, mindlessness and distraction.

 

by fpd
8-02-06
A new diet craze is sweeping America, and even skeptics agree that it is reducing obesity across the nation.
This new diet is simply called the Fat People Diet. We turn now to Earl Grey for the word on the street. Earl?
Tell me, how did you use the Fat People Diet to get as thin as you are now?
When I heard about it, the Fat People Diet motivated me to take a serious interest in bulemia. I lost weight in record time after I began puking my guts out.
But bulemia is an eating disorder, not a diet. Didn't you follow the Fat People Diet?
No, I'm not a cannibal. When I heard the Fat People Diet was becoming popular, I knew I had to slim down right away, because I didn't want to wind up on anyone's menu.

 

by fpd
8-04-06
Your child is in good hands with us, Mrs. Doughnut. Our motto is "We love kids."
Thanks! I have to run to work now.
Who did you say your daycare provider was?
It's called Free Pedophile Daycare!
Francine Penelope Doughnut, are you out of your mind? You're entrusting the care of your baby to pedophiles!
Didn't you hear what I said? It's free! FREE! I can't afford to pass up a deal like this!

 

by fpd
8-21-06
tag, you're it!
i called no tagsies
give me all the money in the register!
i called no robsies
you called no destroysies? do you think that means anything to me, you fool? and now to destroy the world!
what was i thinking? i meant to say klaatu barada nikto.

 

by fpd
8-21-06
tag, you're it!
i called no tagsies
give me all the money in the register!
i called no robsies
I AM THE FOREMOST PERSON OF DISTINCTION!
i called no capsies

 

by fpd
8-30-06
Demoted to "dwarf planet." How embarrassing...
I am so pissed! We just bought caseloads of CDs of Holst's Planets Suite with the new piece for Pluto by Colin Matthews! And now we can't give them away.
Yes, indeed, how embarrassing for Colin Matthews.

 

by fpd
9-25-06
My fellow Americans, remember 9/11? The yellow journalism of the liberal press would have you believe that Arabs were behind it.
That's crazy liberals for you. The Arabs are our friends, and they praise us from sea to shining sea for liberating Iraq.
The real masterminds behind 9/11 were the Iranians, who are Persians, not Arabs. Let's make America safe from Persian dominion! And let's free those hostages too!

 

by fpd
10-02-06
Your pathetic attempts at romance will never work.
I thought that anal probe meant something. No one has ever been so intimate with me before.
Your perception, not mine.
How can you treat me like this? Are you just the probe 'em and leave 'em type?
Why on Zeta do I always get stuck probing the crazies?

 

by fpd
10-02-06
I'm in the clink because I went on a killing spree after my Asimov circuits went haywire. What're you in for?
I invented the chronoscope, a device for viewing the past.
That would be a great boon to historians! Why didn't you get the Nobel prize?
It also proved useful for seeing anyone you want naked, at any time, doing any of the embarrassing things people do behind closed doors.
Oh dear God, no!! That's the WORST application of technology I've ever heard of!!!
The folks at ARCHIVE.ORG would beg to differ.

 

by fpd
10-07-06
Would you like to go to the Asia concert with me? The original members are back together for their 25th anniversary.
Sorry, no. I'm not into guys who are into Asia, if you know what I mean.
I heard you're into Asia. I'm more into groups like Queen and Culture Club, but I would love to know you. Want to go see Brokeback Mountain with me?
No, I don't want to see Brokeback Mountain! And how can you stand Boy George? He is so creepy!
God hates Asia! God hates Asia! God hates the Silent Nation who won't speak out against Asia!
Go back to Westboro, you prick!

 

by fpd
10-20-06
This is your last night of freedom, Greed! When my sister Sue becomes Mrs. Furshlugginer, you're gonna be in for it!
Indubitably! I will be in for a marvelously fantastic time! My consummation with the Outta-Sight Chick will be superlative.
Woah! Woah! Keep it on a need to know basis, Big Words! The idea of banging my sister is sickeningly nauseating!
So what divertissements do you have planned for tonight, Johnny?
Well, the Thingamabob and I were thinking that we could engage in a fantastic foursome with this cute superhero groupie we met.
Sigh! Don't tell me. Another teenybopper thinks my ability to stretch my dingalingaling is an aphrodisiac, and she'll do the two of you if she can get with me.

 

by fpd
10-21-06
Did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
No, I thought being straight came naturally.
No, it's very tricky. If you enjoy listening to Asia, or you like Studio Ghibli movies, or you're attracted to flat chested women, you're automatically gay.
But I love Asia, Studio Ghibli, and flat chested women. Are you telling me I'm gay?
I'm afraid so. But the good news is all you have to do is apply yourself. Discipline yourself to jump through all the right hoops, and you'll be straight in no time.
Since the idea of gay sex with men disgusts me, I'll start applying myself right away. I just hope straight men can enjoy watching lesbian sex! I don't want to give that up!

 

by fpd
10-30-06
This comic aspires to the level of humor found in the comics of Rubberchix.
Oh goodness, does this mean what I think it does?
Yes, it means we get to take a break from making people laugh. Why, we're not even going to lift our fingers to add a stupid background.
Thank goodness! I can't take all the pressure all the time to make people laugh!
Go get your kicks someplace else tonight, folks. We can't be your laugh whores 24/7.
Thank you, Rubberchix, for showing us the way. It is such a relief to just be ourselves and not have to clown it up for some laughs we'll never hear anyway.

 

by fpd
10-31-06
♪ Oh Halloween, Oh Halloween, of all the eves most scary. Each year you bring to me a fright, screaming in the pumpkin light. ♪
This is Halloween. All you have to say is "Trick or Treat."
Are you sure? Isn't this the time of year when people go around caroling?
No, caroling is for the 4th of July. ♪ Oh come all ye free men, joyful and triumphant, oh come ye, oh come ye, to Washington. ♪
No, no, people carol all over the world, not just in America.
That shows how beloved America is. ♪ C.E.O.s of Orient are, bearing gifts, they traverse afar, made in Taiwan, made in Japan, following fifty stars. Oh stars of freedom, stars and stripes, ... &

 

by fpd
10-31-06
I'm a man.
I'm an elf.
I'm a man.
I'm a Chinese girl.
And we ...
... make toys together.

 

by fpd
11-17-06
Are you a fat schlub who has given up all hope of losing weight?
Sad but true.
Over time, fat deposits are caused by poor nutrition, lack of exercise, stress at work, and pregnancy.
You're right. I'm going to change my life around by exercising, eating right, and meditating.
But now there's a solution. Take one Wimpozene pill each day, and you will quickly shed pounds of fat and muscle.
Why, that's simply math! If I lose both muscle and fat, I'll really lose the weight! Screw you, exercise! I'm going with Wimpozene!

 

Dude, chill.
by fpd, 11-22-06

 

by fpd
12-11-06
I love you. You're the love of my life.
Sorry, but you're poor, and I live by the motto, "It's as easy to love a rich woman as a poor woman."
Wealth and poverty are like yin and yang. Each has a bit of the other in it.
"Anything you can't deposit in a bank is as worthless as snot."
But I love you. Doesn't that count for anything?
"To love without money is like playing soccer without a ball."

 

Sung to the tune of Happy Birthday
♫ Getting closer to you, getting closer to you, O happy birthday, I'm getting closer to you. ♫
by fpd, 5-19-08

 

by fpd
5-19-08
You know what I hate?
Jews?
Oh my gosh?! What do you take me for? An anti-Semite? Of course I don't hate Jews!
Sorry, it must be the drink. Okay, tell me, what do you hate?
I hate the Zionist Occupation Goverment. It's destroying America.

 

by fpd
5-19-08
Happy Birthday, Jesus!
It's not really my birthday. December 25th is just a pagan celebration of the winter solstice.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. So what would you like for your birthday?
As long as you're asking, Dark Side of the Moon.
There you go! Merry Christmas!
I meant the Pink Floyd album.

 

Look, Hansel, a house made of candy and gingerbread.
I'm not feeling well, Gretel. I think I'm going to throw up.
by fpd, 5-20-08

 

Worst Time for Alien Babe to Give into Captain Kirk's Advances
Yes, Captain, I do want you to rock my world!
by fpd, 5-20-08

 

by fpd
5-20-08
Someone has committed a crime, and that's YOU. You've stolen my heart tonight.
Those chalk lines are for my fiance, detective. Are you going to find out who killed him or not?
I'm feeling stiff for you, baby.
Could you be more crass? My boyfriend's corpse is laying right behind us.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
You are really CREEPING me out! The LOVE of my LIFE is barely in the ground!!!

 

by fpd
6-12-08
Hi, Suzy. I'm Paul. Um, gee, that's quite a tan you have.
You're my blind date?
What? Was it something I said?

 

by fpd
6-13-08
Howdy, boys and girls! Its Huffy-Puffy time, and here is your pal and mine, HUFFY-PUFFY!
Did you miss me, boys and girls? Did you feel like you couldn't huff and puff with me soon enough? Well fret no more. It's HUFFY-PUFFY TIME!
We have a fun time planned for you today. We're going to huff and puff and ... ack ... gag ... cough ... I 'm dying!
Don't fret none, boys and girls. Marlboro Man is jes takin' a snooze 'cause he finds huffin' n' puffin' so relaxin'.

 

by fpd
6-13-08
There's a monster at the end of this strip.
There is? I am so scared of monsters. Do you think he will jump out and eat us?
No, no, I don't think he'll do that.
I bet he'll tear us limb from limb! I can't take it anymore! I am so out of here!
Gee whiz! Grover lasted for a whole book.

 

by fpd
6-18-08
Hey, you dumb wizard, why did you give me a stupid name like Kapitän Übel? It's not even English.
Well, the costume already had an umlauted U on it.
What the !@$# are you talking about? Couldn't you just put on the letter E for Captain Evil?
Like I could be bothered to learn how to sew. I just stole a spare costume from Ãœbermench's closet.
You lazy old fart! You couldn't even be bothered to give me my own costume?
I supposed I never explained to you what Sloth means, and you were too lazy to look it up.

 

by fpd
6-19-08
You look different today, Harry.
Tom, Dick, and myself just found a fairy who granted us each a wish. I wished to be fabulously wealthy, and now I am.
Don't tell me, Tom. You wished to be as strong as the Hulk, didn't you?
I sure did! Now I'm stronger than anybody!
What did you wish for, Dick?
I wished to have a fish for a hand.

 

by fpd
6-19-08
At a military funeral.
God hates fags! Thank God for IEDs!
Improvised explosive devices kill many good people, you jackass! I can't believe in such a hateful God!
Praise the Lord! I've died and gone to Heaven! It's so good to see you, Jesus! I did many great things in your name!
Get thee hence! I know thee not.
Ah, such a rare and tasty soul you are, Fred. Your lifetime of self-righteous hatred makes you like a fine wine. I shall truly enjoy tormenting your soul!
I don't belong here, I tell you! I'm not some goddamn fag! I preached and witnessed to them!

 

by fpd
6-20-08
Thanks to your preaching against homosexuality, Father, I now have this beautiful son, whom I've named Gaylord, which means jailor, because staying with his mother is like living in jail.
Take heart, my son. Your unnatural urges are of the flesh. When you pass on, your sacrifice in this life will be rewarded in Heaven, where you shall be free of the flesh's evil power.
I feel so confused, Father. I'm getting crushes on boys instead of girls, which is sinful, yet I don't want a loveless marriage like my parents had. What can I do?
Celibacy has worked for many of us, little Gaylord. If you can't bear a loveless marriage, I recommend joining the priesthood and taking a vow of celibacy.
In breaking news, Father Gaylord McCrabby of St. Paul's Catholic Church was arrested today on charges of sexually abusing choirboys.
I don't understand this kind of hypocricy. The Catholic Church condemns homosexuality, yet it seems to have homosexual clergy wherever you turn.

 

by fpd
6-25-08
Hey, man, do you believe we have souls?
No, of course not, that's just silly superstition.
Then would you sell me your soul? I'll give you a whole dollar for it.
No, I wouldn't.
What's the problem? Aren't I offering you a free dollar for nothing? Wouldn't you come out ahead?
I would just feel bad about cheating you. One dollar is such a paltry amount. I couldn't feel good about being dishonest unless it were for a whole lot more.

 

by fpd
6-30-08
Welcome to the Sisters of Singing Saint Margaret Abortionarium. First we will take a sonargram to determine the sex of your fetus.
Um, okay.
You have a baby girl growing in you. What would you name her if you were going to keep her?
Do I really have to name her? This would be so much easier if she remained nameless.
It's really important. How about Mary Jane?
No, I think I'll call her Gwen Stacy.

 

by fpd
6-30-08
Please have a drink of water, Miss Doughnut.
Okay.
Now, little one, with this water your mother has swallowed, I baptize thee Gwen Stacy Doughnut.
You're baptizing my fetus?
Of course. Otherwise, she would go to Hell. Now we can get on with the abortion.
Hallelujah.

 

by fpd
6-30-08
Welcome to Heaven, Gwen Stacy Doughnut. Let's look you up in the book of life. Ah, only original sin, and that was washed away by your baptism.
* glibble *
Hi, Gwen. Heaven is a wonderful place. You'll love it here.
* goop gaw *
You know, Gwen, Heaven just doesn't seem to agree with you. Although you were baptized, you clearly haven't been born again.
* gip goo *

 

by fpd
7-07-08
Yoo hoo, Mr. Nimoy, you are my hero! That new book of yours helped me realize what a beautiful woman I really am.
I am so glad to here it, Miss. It is such a shame that this culture has let rotund women think they're ugly.
Um, Mr. Nimoy, Leonard, would you like to go where no man has gone before?
Do you mean ...?
Yes, YES, I want you to be the first to pon'far me.
Sorry, I don't do fat chicks.

 

by fpd
8-21-08
How many people are in your party?
Just me and you, baby.
So you're here to party?
Oh yeah!
Oh no! How did we become party to murder?
If it wasn't for that nosy party from the Conservative party, we would have been party to nothing more than partying.

 

by fpd
8-21-08
Hey Linux lovers, we know you like your cereal like you like your operating system.
Open source!
Which is why we're sure you'll love our GNU product, Tux Flakes!
It's the free cereal made through the collaboration of unpaid volunteers who refused to let Post and Kellogs dictate what they would eat!
Let me at those Tux Flakes! I will dominate them with my whip!
Silly penguin! You can't dominate what's been copylefted under the GPL.

 

by fpd
8-21-08
Over here at the Milky Soaked cereal company, we know how happy you've been with Wind-Oats XP.
So, naturally, we're going to pull it off the market and replace it with the latest Wind-Oats cereal, Wind-Oats Vista.
Do we care how happy you've been with Wind-Oats XP?
Not really. The bottom line is that we'll make more money selling you Wind-Oats Vista, especially with Wind-Oats XP off the market.
You'll buy Wind-Oats Vista, and you'll like it.
And even if you don't like it, what are you going to do? Make your own cereal? Just trust the experts at Milky Soaked to make your cereal for you.

 

by fpd
8-24-08
♫ Apple Max, Apple Max, sinfully tasty Apple Max ♫
Are you nuts? I've had Apple Max for years, and this doesn't taste like it. It tastes like 'Nix, the Sunfoods cereal that's beta-tested and coder-approved.
'Nix? I've heard my old man mention it. I thought it was dead like Amiga-Bits and Commodorios.
'Nix may not be the hippest cereal among kids, but it has long been the cereal of choice among people who serve cereal.
So you're saying the new Apple Max is based on 'Nix?
It wouldn't surprise me. The folks behind Tux Flakes have been trying to imitate 'Nix for years. I guess when you want to be the best, you copy the best.

 

by fpd
9-03-08
Hi, I'm looking for something, uh, you know, sinfully sexy.
You're looking for Sinfully Sexy by Linda Francis Lee?
You do Supergirl fantiasies? This is so great! Doing it with Supergirl has always been one of my biggest fantasies!
Sir, this is a book store, not a brothel.
Huh? You're a book whore, aintcha?

 

by fpd
9-07-08
Hello, I'm a Commodore.
And I'm an Apple.
Hey, Apple, look at all my color! Do you have anything like that?
Um, no, I'm just monochrome.
Ha, ha, ha! Commodore rules!
Gloat all you want, Commodore. While you're sitting smug and complacent, we will leapfrog you.

 

by fpd
9-09-08
You know, I now understand how Monica Lewinski felt.
What do you mean?
I mean that I really want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
What about Hillary? Would you like a bipartisan three-way?
No, that's just sick. Hillary might have gotten my vote before I knew what it was like to want a candidate who is a real woman, but now I'm all for Sarah Palin.
Well, you may not get to screw Palin, but if you vote on that basis, you'll screw Lady Liberty.

 

by fpd
9-11-08
Stupid robot, man is better than machine, and I can prove it!
Is there a man around?
I mean me! I'm the man!
That's not what Pale Suzy says! Nor Maura, nor Lil' Sis, nor Allie, nor Eve, nor Frieda, nor Otakate, nor ...
Cease your enumerations, Clango! Can I help it if this small town is full of moronic women?
I have a girlfriend. Man 0, Machine 1.

Showing page 11.

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