All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
6-08-12
You're too bad at your job and/or life to be trusted to do the most important thing you'll ever do. So I'm going to replace you with an unprepared amateur at an inopportune moment.
Al, my invisible friend, I need you to help me become fully competent in something I have no experience with in about 24 hours so I can solve some problem that I don't know about yet.
Will you ever learn not to talk to me while people are around? Keep quiet for a minute while I figure out whether you're here to save someone's life or stick up for the rights of some minority.
Well, we averted the crisis without anyone wondering why you spent a few days acting weird and forgetful.
Now to leap away and leave this guy to deal with the consequences of having done something he'd never do for reasons he doesn't understand.

 

by evil_d
7-03-12
Dear Pepco,
your ability to restore power to my office building almost immediately, while taking days to restore it to my townhouse community, is truly remarkable.
I'm sure all of the children and senior citizens who live in my office building really appreciate it.

 

by evil_d
8-15-12
The triceratops is named for its three horns, used in both self-defense and courtship. Despite the cigarette in this humorous image, it actually died out during the famous K–T extinction event.
Hadrosaurids were herbivorous dinosaurs that lived during the Late Cretaceous period. They, uh, didn't usually wear hats.
Okay, somebody at the school board is just fucking with me.

 

No, Dave, I just meant that I wanted you to sit in the audience and help me with my act.
by evil_d, 9-17-12

 

by evil_d
9-18-12
Dear Microsoft Windows Task Manager,
I am the captain of this ship.
When I tell you to "End Task", I mean right now.
I don't mean "go ask the program about it and then come back 20 seconds later and ask me what I want to do because the program's not responding".
I know the program's not responding. If things hadn't already gone pear-shaped I would never have come to you in the first fucking place.
Signed, Your Lord and Master, Any Old Dumbass Who Happens to Sit Down in Front of a Computer, Esquire.

 

by evil_d
9-26-12
Dear Apple, Microsoft, and other purveyors of voice-activated technology: I am never going to talk to your machines.
Talking to a computer might have been cool when Michael Knight or Captain Picard did it,
but when I'm standing in a crowded subway car yelling "Siri, cancel my date for tonight and add toilet paper to my grocery list," I just look like a tool.
Even if I lose all ten fingers in a freak baccarat accident, I will whittle down my arm-stumps and continue typing with them.
I would ask for robotic hands, but you'd probably want to make those voice-activated, too.
"iHands, log on to cybersexnow.com and enter my credit card number, which is five six eight nine... yes ma'am, I know this is a public library. I can't help that I have a disability."

 

by evil_d
10-30-12
That was great! Thanks for indulging my vampire fetish, baby. But now I have a ghost fetish.
A ghost fetish? So what do you want me to do now?
Disappear.

 

by evil_d
11-16-12
Hi, I'm collecting Toys for Todd?
Oh, you mean "Toys for Tots".
I think I know my own name, ma'am.

 

by evil_d
11-17-12
Hey, bitch. Was that your girlfriend I saw you walking around campus with, or did your grandma come to visit?
You must be referring to my professor.
Oh, I get it. Professor of Women's Studies, am I right? Hey, your secret is safe with me.
Wait, so shouting loud enough for the whole bar to hear is your idea of keeping a secret?
Okay, you got me. I'm just jealous because I want your body all for myself.
What—to stuff, or to wear?

 

by evil_d
11-17-12
Can I be serious for a minute?
I doubt it, but please do try.
You're my favorite sparring partner. Why haven't we gone out yet?
Our relationship is abusive now. I can only imagine what it would be like if we started dating.
Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. I bet you'd enjoy a good hate-fuck.
Sorry, but I'm saving myself for hate-marriage.

 

by evil_d
11-29-12
I liked that Shel Silverstein book. I'm going to go find where the sidewalk ends for real, and then jump off of it!
Okay!
Godspeed, my sweet angel! May you never lose your childlike innocence.
But soon:

 

by evil_d
11-29-12
So the latest news on that guy who shot up the Batman premiere is that he claims his therapist brainwashed him to do it.
Wait. Some guy opened fire in a Batman movie?
Yeah. In Colorado, back in July. Didn't you hear?
So... any kids lose both their parents?

 

by evil_d
1-03-13
Michael, how did they beat you today?
Well, we needed to control the ball and they just got the ball—had better control of the ball than we did.
When you have better ball control then you can do—that leads to more scoring. They just outscored us and it was because they had the ball more than we did.
I think one thing we learned from today is we learned we can't let them take the ball away from us, you know 'cause that's the most important—to maintain control of the ball and to keep scoring.

 

by evil_d
1-08-13
Now this medicine should clear your bronchitis right up. But I must warn you, one of the potential side effects is getting murdered.
Come on, doc. I know they have to list everything that happens to a patient during the clinical trials, but "getting murdered"?
Oh, I assure you, this side effect is very real and very potent. So potent, in fact, that it sometimes happens before you even start taking the drug.
That's completely ridiculous.
What happened here?
Another tragedy of modern pharmaceuticals.

 

by evil_d
1-09-13
Hey, I drank that bottle of Robot-Tussin you gave me, but now my chassis feels funny.
Well, I did warn you there might be some side effects.
That was oddly specific.
There may also be some balls effects.

 

by evil_d
1-31-13
Glergnax!! What's this I hear from your teacher about you writing your name in crop circles during a field trip?
It's no big deal, Dad. Those stupid humans don't even know—
It's a big deal to me! I'm not raising any vandals! You're going back to Earth with a crop-reviving gun first thing in the morning!
At least he didn't find out about that cow you—
Shut up!

 

by evil_d
2-25-13
I've finished cleaning the guardhouse, sir, but I still feel sick. Can I go to the infirmary now?
Braaaaiiiiiiins....
I can't believe they expect us to lay bricks in negative-forty-degree weather. But that's life in the gulag, eh, Alyosha?
Braaaaiiiiiiins....
I took care of those errands for you, Tsezar. So what did your family send you today?
Braaaaiiiiiiins....

 

by evil_d
3-28-13
Aha—found you! We're eating venison tonight!
Please, good sir! I am a magical deer! If you spare my life, I will repay you!
Hmm... okay. What can you do for me?
Well, you look kind of scrawny. How about I turn you into a total hunk?
Thousands of years later:
In retrospect, I should have asked, "a hunk of what?"

 

by evil_d
4-19-13
Looking back on my life I think I have a lot to be grateful for: loving husband, two beautiful kids... a fulfilling career at a great company—shout out to my lunch buddies, Sandra and Amy!...
...time I got lost in Yellowstone National Park—I mean, you have no idea how big it really is until you have to find your way out on foot! Ended up meeting a nice Park Ranger...
...have to move the smallest disk on top of the stack where you don't want it to go, then the second-smallest on top of where you do want it, then take the smallest again...
This is the last time I ask someone, "Any last words?"

 

by evil_d
5-14-13
... pant ... pant ... here it is... at last... Iraq.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Okay... Afghanistan... just twelve hundred miles....

 

by evil_d
5-15-13
211 more days. Just 211 more days until the radiation levels die down and it's safe to go outside. Can't wait to link up with some fellow survivors.
Sure hope one of 'em knows something about agriculture. These canned beans won't last forever.

 

by evil_d
5-15-13
Well, if I'm the last man on earth, I won't make the same mistake as that guy in The Twilight Zone. First thing I'm reading is a book on how to make new glasses.
But soon:
Where is—oh no—I've lost my library card! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!

 

by evil_d
5-20-13
Whatcha drawin'?
Picture of Mohammed.

 

by evil_d
5-22-13
Can you believe it? Those heathen Gleebvarists went to court and said we can't even post the Nine Requirements in classrooms anymore!
Well, hold on now. Just last week you were saying that kids shouldn't even be taught about Gleebvarism in school. Fair's fair, right?
That's completely different!
How so?
Well... because Gleebvarism is wrong.

 

by evil_d
5-23-13
The Prophet Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Him) would never approve of terrorism. Islam is a peaceful religion!
Oh yeah, well I talked to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Praise His Noodly Appendage) and he told me you're full of crap, LOL.
BEHOLD, MORTAL! IT IS I, THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER
Jesus Christ! Uh, I mean... what do you ask of me, my Lord?
SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID PRETEND RELIGION ALREADY

 

by evil_d
6-18-13
I think you'll really enjoy the European trip we have planned for you, Mr. Jones. Your flight will depart from Newark and land at Heathrow Airport in London. Then—
I'm sorry, you said the flight will depart from...?
Newark, New Jersey.
It was the only way to be sure.

 

by evil_d
8-16-13
Mrs. Smith, your son was in a terrible accident, but fortunately I was here when it happened. I'm a fully trained mortician and I did everything I could for him.
Oh, thank god! I guess all that training in mortuary science can be relevant when it comes to saving someone's life too!
Not really... what would make you think that?

 

by evil_d
10-03-13
Jeez, I can't stand you video gamers. Lying on the couch all day, eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew, relying on handouts from Mom and Dad.
Oh, please. I'm an adult, and e-sports are a big deal these days.
So the handouts come from strangers on the internet now.

 

by evil_d
10-17-13
Hey, can you be the Greeks' champion in a battle against Hector?
Sure, but I have to charge you fifteen drachmas.
Want to come along with us and help convince Achilles to fight again?
You bet! Eight drachmas.
You know, you're a lot more annoying since you changed your name, Atax.
Complaining about my name change, eh? That's twenty-three drachmas.

 

by evil_d
10-22-13
How come there's a condom on my banana?
That's not a condom, that's my wife!
My god, you're right! How could I not have seen it? I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes.
That's not a veil, that's my wife!
Long story short: the "That's My Wife" nun was elected president and led the nation into a new era of peace and prosperity.
"...to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."
That's not a Constitution, that's my wife!

 

by evil_d
1-08-14
Phillip, to cure you of being a pudding miser, tonight you will be visited by one ghost.
What? Don't I get three ghosts?
No way do you rate three ghosts, kid. Start stockpiling something you can deposit in a bank and we'll talk.
Okay, that's fine. I'm sure I can still have a meaningful and transformative experience with just one ghost.
Quit hoarding things that have an expiration date, ya moron!

 

by evil_d
1-22-14
1927: Teddy Wakelam gives the first live radio commentary of a football match.
It was alright, but I think I'll keep going to the games. The wife doesn't like it when I act like a hooligan at home.
1973: The US Supreme Court delivers its decision in Roe v. Wade, legalizing elective abortion.
Well, I suppose that settles that!
Indeed!
1990: Robert Tappan Morris, Jr. is convicted of releasing the 1988 Internet Computer worm.
You're lucky. You'd have gotten a much harsher sentence if there were more than 45 computers on the internet.

 

by evil_d
1-23-14
393: Roman Emperor Theodosius I proclaims his eight-year old son Honorius co-emperor.
Your mother wants me to spend more time with you; maybe this will shut her up.
Can you show me the sign to make when I want them to kill a gladiator?
1570: James Stewart, Regent of Scotland, becomes the first person to be assassinated by firearm.
Sire! Have you any final commands?
Enact... stricter... gun control... legisllllll...erk *
1912: The International Opium Convention is signed at The Hague.
Aw man, I missed it? Oh well, I guess there's always next year's International Opium Convention.
You have been seriously misinformed, my friend.

 

by evil_d
1-24-14
1848: James W. Marshall finds gold at Sutter's Mill, setting off the California Gold Rush.
Don't go; you know hardly anybody is going to strike it rich.
I'm not going there to prospect, I'm going there to sell prospecting supplies.
1908: Robert Baden-Powell organizes the first Boy Scout troop.
Should we be concerned about the homosexual overtones?
Eh, nobody talks about that kind of thing.
1986: L. Ron Hubbard dies.
It's just as well; that Scientology nonsense was getting out of hand.
Yes, thank goodness that's over with.

 

by evil_d
1-27-14
1533: King Henry VIII of England marries his second wife, Anne Boleyn.
...until death do you part?
Shhh! Don't give it away!
1890: Nellie Bly completes a journey around the world in 72 days.
How you like me now, Jules Verne?
1919: The League of Nations is founded.
We were going to call it "The League of Extraordinary Nations", but then Belgium joined.

 

by evil_d
1-27-14
1564: The Council of Trent issues its conclusions, establishing a distinction between Roman Catholicism and Protestantism.
Okay, so we have less guilt, and our ministers can marry?
Right, but we get to keep the boss hats and the real wine.
1808: William Bligh, the captain against whom the HMS Bounty's crew had mutinied and now the governor of New South Wales, is overthrown once again, as the Rum Rebellion begins.
When are you going to take the hint and retire?
Shut up! I'm awesome!
1880: Douglas MacArthur, who would command the US Army in the Pacific theater during World War II, is born.
I could swear I heard him say "I shall return."
That's... deeply disturbing.

 

by evil_d
1-27-14
1832: Lewis Carroll, author of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Jabberwocky, is born.
I'm pretty sure this birth certificate refers to me as a "slithy tove".
1967: The US, UK, & USSR sign a treaty banning deployment of nuclear weapons in space, and limiting use of the Moon and other celestial bodies to peaceful purposes.
I'm always happy to sign treaties I couldn't break if I wanted to.
I'm adding a clause saying that Martians can't be drafted.
2010: J. D. Salinger, author of The Catcher in the Rye, dies.
Or maybe it was five months ago. Dude was pretty secretive.

 

by evil_d
1-28-14
1521: The Diet of Worms, during which Martin Luther would be asked to recant his heresies, begins.
Aloysius is actually eating worms. I was going to tell him, but I couldn't stop laughing.
1820: Russian explorers discover Antarctica.
Are you crying?
It reminds me so much of home!
1896: Walter Arnold of East Peckham, Kent becomes the first person to be convicted of speeding, for driving at a rate of 8 miles per hour.
If I was speeding, then you must have had to speed faster to catch me!
Yes; I had to walk rather more briskly than I should have liked!

 

by evil_d
2-04-14
Sorry about missing work yesterday, sir. I was sick as a dog.
What was it, Jägermonia?
Beg pardon?
Jenkins said he saw you at the bar doing shots and hitting on 21-year-olds.
It was actually schnappstococcus.

 

by evil_d
2-21-14
Lord Jesus... the collection plate has been empty of late. But perhaps if you blessed our parishioners, they would bless us in turn.
Merciful Allah... the drought has been hard on our crops. If you sent us some rain, our whole village would rejoice.
Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethopia... I'm broke. Can you spot me a dime bag?
Man you know I only got an ounce 'til Thursday... but what the hell. Anything for a believer.

 

by evil_d
3-12-14
Former president William Howard Taft! You're... actually looking a lot better since you died. How'd you lose the weight?
It's simple! I'm on the Zom-Fast diet. I have a brain for breakfast, a brain for lunch, and then a sensible dinner.
Oh? What kinds of things do you usually have for dinner?
Braaaaaiiiiinnnnss....

 

by evil_d
3-12-14
Former president William Howard Taft! You're... actually looking a lot better since you died. How'd you lose the weight?
It's simple! I'm on the Zom-Fast diet. I have a brain for breakfast, a brain for lunch, and then a sentient dinner.
I mean sensible dinner.
So, what are you doing later?

 

by evil_d
3-19-14
Well, this is a fine mess we're in.
A flesh-eating virus spreads through the country... 99% of the population become the living dead...
This'll be a real black mark on your legacy as president, Barack.
Don't you try to pin this on me, John. I tried to give them free health care, but nooooo....

 

by evil_d
3-25-14
Dear Aunt Linda: Thank you for the twenty dollars. I'll be sure to think of you as I play the first third of the new Battlefield game.
Dear Grandpa: Five dollars?? I'm sure when you were a kid this would have bought a year's supply of candy, but today it doesn't buy the 'T' in Toblerone.
Billy, I read some of your thank-you notes and we need to talk.
Dear Mom: Fifty bucks? If you want me to move out, you'll have to do better than that.

 

by evil_d
3-27-14
Thank you, NBC, for believing that a mediocre sketch comic could be a great late-night host. I don't know how you knew, but you were right.
Thank you, David Letterman, for always coming off like a bored school­teacher counting the days until summer. May you hold onto your timeslot forever.
And finally: thank you, Jay Leno, for not eating a vegetable in the past 50 years. With any luck, you'll have a heart attack before you can—
Get out the chair, motherfucker!! Leno's back!!

 

by evil_d
4-02-14
CUT!! Good job, everybody. This will be the best Law & Order episode ever. Abe, you were great as the dead guy. You can get up now.
Uh, sir... Mr. Vigoda isn't moving.
What commitment! What thoroughness! Can you believe what a great actor this guy is?
Best we can tell, he played such a convincing dead body that even his own heart believed it.
SUCH a great actor!!

 

Fine, fine!! We'll bring your cat some Jameson!
Well it's a little late for that now.
by evil_d, 4-22-14

 

by evil_d
5-02-14
Jesus, man, call me an ambulance!
I'm gonna need to see you blink first.

 

by evil_d
5-19-14
Now this is going to be a tribute to the B-grade monster movies of old, so just ad-lib something angry about destroying the city. You literally can't mess this up.
Got it.
Rarr rarr! My gullet burns with hunger for window glass and I-beams! Oh no, it is my arch-nemesis, Mothra!
I'm clearly a bee, you idiot!
Fine, Bee-thra, whatever!
Okay, I was wrong.

 

by evil_d
7-25-14
Tough loss today, Jerry. Where do you think you went wrong?
Well, do you remember the part where I threw the ball to the guy on the other team, and then we couldn't tackle him, and he got a touchdown?
Yeah, I remember that part.
We shouldn't have done that part.

Showing page 14.

« Previous Next »