All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
5-08-03
Rosie Kane and Tommy Sheridan, useful idiots
Before vowing allegiance to the Crown, I'd like to note that I don't really mean it. Throw off your chains, proles!
Er, I think that too. Stop hogging the limelight.
Annabel Goldie and Phil Gallie, useless idiots
Tch. What a juvenile display.
Yeah. They should indulge in grown-up politics. Like this whole swearing-in ceremony, for example. Or having a Queen.
Robin Harper and, er, some other Green, Greens
Technically we're now a bigger party than the SSP. So how come we get less attention?
Who are you?

 

by andydougan
5-12-03
Well, I've fucked up my exams. So that's me all set for a career cleaning semen off the penises of brothel patrons. With my eyelids.
If I had done well in my exams I might've one day been assistant manager of a branch of Burger King. Assistant manager!
But now that dream is impossible.
Be quiet and get to work.

 

by andydougan
5-16-03
Zack de la Rocha, former frontman of left-wing rock quartet, on the outermost planet of the solar system
Feel the critical mass approach horizon! Like Gaza on the dawn of intifada!
Oh do hush. Ye're daein' ma nut in.
Well you would say that, being a PLUTO CAT! Geddit? Roflmfao!
What did I just say?

 

by andydougan
5-16-03
Metaphysics exam
"Can there exist a plurality of qualitatively indiscernible objects?"
Hmm. While bored the other day, I read part of a website about pop quantum mechanics that loosely pertains to this.
I wonder if it would be wise to write a load of stuff I've misremembered from it that probably wasn't even right in the first place.
...catch the baby by the toe, if it squeals then let it go...
Stop your head making that cog-turning noise. This isn't the first time I've had to speak to you.

 

by andydougan
5-18-03
You should have used me to represent Zack de la Rocha in comic #144899.
True.
Huh? How can a prescriptive imperative be true? It's non-propositional! What are you, some kind of a cognitivist?
No, I think it comes down to Fregean sense and reference.
You see, I interpreted your statement as the proposition "I look more like Zack de la Rocha than the character you used."
Who are you talking to?

 

by andydougan
5-24-03
'Scuse me, pal. BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!
Sorry, I'm in a hurry.
Lend us 50p for the bus, then?
Well, if you insist.
You've got to wear 'em down first.

 

by andydougan
5-24-03
So it seems that last night the UK got nul points in the Eurovision Song Contest.
This means that one of the two requisites for my dying a happy man has come to pass.
Is the other one me getting gangrene of the eye, by any chance?
Absolutely spot on! How did you know?
I snuck a look at your pr0n folder.

 

by andydougan
5-27-03
This "Toffee Crisp" tastes a bit funny.
Take a butcher's at the sell-by date.
Madre de Dios! September 1994!
*gasp* 1994?!?! Well, I'm, I'm sure you'll, er, I'm sure you'll...you'll be fine. Yep, nothing to worry about. Not one thing. No sir.
But how do you know!
Look, stop breathing on me.

 

by andydougan
5-27-03
Well, the doctor said it's probably nothing...
...but we probably ought to RUSH YOU TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM RIGHT THIS SECOND
But it's nothing to worry about.
Phew!

 

by andydougan
5-27-03
Right, let me just get my trusty life-support-o-matic and we'll be off to the hospital.
Can I bring my collection of pictures of Huggy Bear?
Well, it's not like me to deny a dying wish.
But no.
You mean you've been in the position of accepting or denying dying wishes before?

 

by andydougan
5-27-03
Aren't you dead yet?
Oops. I mean you're going to be fine.
Why is there a sloshing noise when I move my head?

 

by andydougan
5-27-03
How exactly did you manage to leave Macaulay Culkin at home while you went on holiday?
It was an accident.
You mean like that time you "accidentally" butchered Jake Lloyd with a mattock and hoisted his still-squirming form on a rusty meathook?
Yes, a bit like that.
You should really take more care in the future.
I'm all thumbs.

 

by andydougan
5-31-03
I'm going to go and read Finnegans Wake.
Two minutes later
On second thoughts, I think I'll just put my Adam's apple in a vice.
Stop making comics when drunk. Or at any other time.
But! I!

 

by andydougan
6-02-03
I tried to read Finnegans Wake on Saturday while pissed, but it didn't make any sense even then.
Aren't you out of school now? What are you reading stuff like that for?
They'd never give us anything as hard as that to read in school. The hardest thing we did was The Catcher in the Rye.
Actually, we didn't even do that.
It may not or maybe a no concern of the Guinnesses but.

 

by andydougan
6-02-03
Stop quoting Joyce.
And mild aunt Liza is as loose as her neese. Fulfest withim inbrace behent.
You will than cross your comics with theirs but the winner whens by funny and to make the contest different.
You're just gibbering now, aren't you?
Yes.

 

by andydougan
6-03-03
Normally a very relaxed (some may say apathetic and pacifistic) individual, I once heard my English teacher saying that Ulysses was nothing but complete garbage.
I calmly stood up and punched him in the throat, and I received polite applause as I was escorted from the classroom.
Later on, when I reread a section of Ulysses near the middle, I discovered that he was completely right.
But you know what? That's life. And that sense of living pours off Joyce's pages and through his eccentric mouldings of the English language like a waterfall.
I wish I'd studied philosophy or something.
One Big King meal with freedom fries. Hold the phlegm.

 

by andydougan
6-06-03
Rosie Kane emm ess pee
We must stop using the word "ned". It hurts the feelings of neds.
Also, we have to stop using terms like "drug dealer" and "shoplifter", as it hurts the feelings of those people too. (ALMOST AN ACTUAL QUOTE!)
I'm well zany, me.
Bah! I didn't vote for the Reds so they'd push all this touchy-feely crap! I wanted them to kill the rich and that!
You didn't vote for them at all.
Gasp! 'Tis the legendary All-Knowing TV!

 

by andydougan
6-06-03
Haw. Check you, ya pure ned.
Hey! You can't call me that.
Why the blazes not?
It's politically incorrect. Anyway, I'm off to feed my three-week-old stepdaughter.
But you raped her and smacked her off a wall the other day, remember?
Please! My delicate constitution!

 

by andydougan
6-14-03
What do you say when food falling out of the sky threatens to displace a computer-programming witch?
I don't know. What do you?
Manna, don't take my coder crone away!
Ha ha. That really made up for the incessant anguish of iron grinding against bone in the ragged, infected pulps I used to call hands and feet.
You're a real grump.
And I don't get it.

 

by andydougan
6-19-03
Channel 4
Big Brother is back on TV.
Hooray! A guaranteed ratings winner! Not to mention all the greenbacks we'll rake in from the phone calls!
The Daily Record
Big Brother is back on TV.
Hurrah! Now we can wax indignant about how manipulative and boring the show is, whilst using stories about it to boost circulation!
Dennisdump
Big Brother is back on TV.
Huzzah! Now I can make self-righteous comics about the media! Well, make them even more.

 

by andydougan
6-19-03
Prime Minister's Question Time, and Iain Duncan Smith is in full effect
...So he was all "How about having an elected person in this cabinet post?" Yes! Elected! I know, I couldn't believe it either!
The Prime Minister has, on occasion, done things that fall very slightly short of perfection. Probably.
Gasp! The opposition criticising the government?! Surely we dream!!!
Could you be quiet? I'm trying to have a conversation here.
Right. Sorry.
I sure had Blair on the ropes today!
Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

 

by andydougan
6-20-03
Russell Crowe and Christian Slater, sociopathic actors
Are we all set for our big night out?
Yep. You bring the crack and rohypnol, I'll bring the bayonets.
Ho! You said that after you got married you'd leave behind your bad boy ways! You're staying in tonight to make jambalaya!
Could you reason with my wife?
My parole officer says I'm not to go within ten metres of women.

 

by andydougan
6-27-03
STROOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
DEEEEEEEEEEENIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!
TEEEEEETSUUUUUOOOOO!
;)

 

by andydougan
6-30-03
stripcreator.com/ ~andydougan
Gracious me! My dear grandson has made some nice comics! Let's have a look.
Murder...torture... mutilation...sexual attacks on babies...
Ah, gleeful descriptions of depraved actions he lacks both the stomach and the courage to perform in real life. How quaint.
I was just having a shot at your computer machine, son. I think I'm getting the hang of it now.
Oh fuck. I hope she didn't look at my favourites.

 

by andydougan
7-04-03
They've actually made Freddy vs Jason.
That's it! That's the last straw! I can no longer live in this world.
...and then Andy played with himself while thinking about zebras! The end!

 

by andydougan
7-05-03
Mohammed Omar, former (and future) Emir of Afghanistan, and Osama bin Laden, terrorist
Hey, Oz! I saw that Moscow bombing on the news. Like it, my son, like it!
Shucks. It was nothing, really.
Wait a minute. Weren't you represented by a different avatar in the last comic you were in?
Yes, but then this Arab character got added, presumably solely so that people could do strips about Osama.
Oh, right. Well, anyway, I have a question to ask about female suicide bombers. But I don't have space in this comic. I'll just wait for the next.
The fourth wall gets broken down more often than Afghanistan. Yes, that's the punchline.

 

by andydougan
7-05-03
Mohammed Omar, Taliban honcho, and Osama "UBL" bin Liner, terrorist
So anyway, you know how if we explode ourselves, we get all these fine-ass bizatches in Allah-praiser heaven?
Fo' sho'!
Well, what do women suicide bombers get? A harem of "hunks"?
No, they just get to not live any longer in Islamic countries.
Hee hee! Oh, Ozzy, you are the living end!
Literally, if you're an infidel!

 

by andydougan
7-05-03
Mohammed Omar and Osama bin Liner, bearded mass murderers
But seriously, Oz, you don't really believe all this Islam stuff? I mean, were you dropped on your head as a kid?
No, no, it all makes logical sense. You see, the creator of the universe cares deeply about our dietary habits...
Hey, maybe that's why you wear that bandage on your head! Cos you were dropped on it! So you needed a bandage! Lol!
Look, I'm trying to explain here. Anyway, I thought you were a Muslim!
Nah, I just said that so the Taliban would make me their leader. I'm actually a Scientologist.
You know, I'm sure we've had this joke...

 

by andydougan
7-10-03
Hey, they're showing Se7en. I've only seen that film about a hun100d times.
Make a comic with that joke in it.
Nah. You do it.
NO. YOU.
Well, I guess it won't get made, then. It'll be lost forever. Like tears in rain. Time to die.
I'VE SEEN SHIT YOU FUCKERS WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

 

by andydougan
7-13-03
Aaliyah (pronunciation uncertain), actress and ex-wife of child molester R Kelly
This is your pilot. I think we're going to crash.
No! You have to save us! I can't perish with my last film being Romeo Must Die!
Not to worry. You did Queen of the Damned since then, remember?
On second thoughts, put me out of my misery.
You got it.

 

by andydougan
7-13-03
Hello. I'm Jet Li, famous kung fu expert. I turned down a role in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to appear in Romeo Must Die with DMX here. A mite silly of me.
X gon' give it to ya!
Ah, yes. In keeping with the tiresome norm for rappers starring in films, DMX appears on the soundtrack of Romeo. Give what to me?
A gun. To kill me with. You see, I starred in Exit Wounds alongside Steven Seagal, by some margin the worst film ever made.
You were in Exit Wounds?! People were hung at Nuremberg for less!
My tapeworm is ashamed to feed on my excrement.

 

by andydougan
7-13-03
Steven Seagal, geriatric martial artist, and DMX, rapper-cum-starlet
Here we are on the set of my piece de resistance, the all-action epic Exit Wounds, wherein no hold is left barred.
After this, even Cradle 2 The Grave will seem good. Well, almost tolerable.
An evil bad guy! Hi-YA! Take that, interloper!
You didn't even touch me.
I guess now you know not to mess with Steven Seagal!
Medic! I think he's having a stroke!

 

by andydougan
7-13-03
Jet Li and DMX reunite for Cradle 2 The Grave, which I'm lucky enough not to have seen. But I can guess what happens in it.
DMX! Want to join forces to take down the bad guys?
Righto.
Uh oh. We've summarised the whole film in one panel. What will we do for the rest of the strip?
Hmmm...biscuit game?
This will be a challenge. Steven Seagal is still fresh in my mind.
X gon' give it to ya!

 

by andydougan
7-20-03
Okay, so I've grafted my arms to my sides, inserted a heated tent stake up my urethra, drilled my teeth to the nerves and filled my mouth with ice cream.
It's my preparation for Freddy vs Jason coming out. My hope is that if I undergo this ordeal beforehand, watching it will seem tolerable by comparison.
Excuse me while I call security.
Before you go, could you wipe the pus off the front of my trousers?

 

by andydougan
7-21-03
I wonder if Freddy vs Jason will kick off a phenonemon of "versus" films. Word is Alien vs Predator is already in the works.
How about Cheech vs Chong?
No, no. It has to be villains from films. Like Hannibal vs Darth Vader. Or Cruella de Vil vs Sauron.
Bally's would give interesting odds on that one.
It'd have to be the original cartoon Cruella, of course. Not Glenn Close. And would Sauron take his eye form or his armour-y form?
THE EYE'S NOT A FORM, YOU DOLT! FOR THE LOVE OF ILUVATAR!

 

by andydougan
7-27-03
Tony Blair, Prime Minister, and Geoff Hoon, soon-to-be ex-Defence Secretary
Hey, whatever your name is. We need a minister to resign to distract from my lying, and we've decided on you. Sorry and everything.
But what about all those times I warmed your toilet seat for you? Didn't they mean anything?
Look, you knew the deal when you signed up to be my bootlicker. Don't let the door hit you on the ass etc.
Oh Tony, wherever shall I go? Whatever shall I do? I don't have any skills except reading out doctored casualty lists!
Meanwhile, in the Tora Bora hills, Osama bin Laden and Mohammed Omar discuss current affairs
The Wee Free guy won Big Brother and my vote didn't even get through! We must drown Orkney in infidel blood!
Oh get a life.

 

by andydougan
7-27-03
Greg Dyke, BBC Director-General, and Huw Edwards, news anchor
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!
Or close the wall up with English dead!
David Kelly, ex-Ministry of Defence mole
Tony Blair, unpopular politician, and Alastair Campbell, his aide-de-camp
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility.
In that case, we're lucky this is war!

 

by andydougan
7-30-03
How did this trend start of fugitives releasing videos all the time? Did Lucan ever do this? Anyway, here's Saddam.
Heads up, faggots! My sainted kids and grandkids may have bought their respective farms, but I: LIVE ON!
Brethren! With the grace of God, we'll soon show the infidel invader what's up! Long live jihad! Hip hip hooray for the Prophet!
Sheesh. If this guy's a secular Muslim, I'd hate to meet a fundamentalist one.
Meanwhile, tensions are high in the Tora Bora hills, as our Allah-bothering heroes, Osama and Mohammed, play the new War on Terror card game.
Okay. Hamid Karzai...er, dress sense 76?
Bah. Kim Jong-il, dress sense 12.

 

by andydougan
8-01-03
What do you think of the comic I just made?
It's so bad it's god.
Sic.
Isn't that overstating it a bit?
BLASPHEMY!

 

by andydougan
8-01-03
Library enquiries
My friend and I are going on a cruise to Egypt,we dock at Alexandra and Port Said. My friend would love to visit her brothers grave at Fayed Cemetery.
could you please tell me if we can get to Fayed Cemetery from any of these places and hoe far in miles it is.
So I replied "How the exploding vagina should I know?"
I'd've said "How the glans".

 

by andydougan
8-04-03
Hello?
Hi, is that Andy? I'm calling about your singles ad in the newspaper. I thought maybe we could get together sometime. Could you describe yourself so that I can recognise you?
They printed my photo in the paper, actually. It's just to the left of my ad.
Hello?

 

by andydougan
8-07-03
If we...don't try to piece together clever diplomacy but just wage total war, our children will sing great songs about us years from now.
It used to be that satire required the deconstruction of official statements. These days, all you have to do is repeat them.
Ever notice that when you do a Google search for a Richard Perle quote, nothing but anti-war websites comes up?
That's why I only search for porn.

 

by andydougan
8-27-03
You haven't done any comics for a while.
Yeah, well, the point of satire is to make people more cynical about authority, right? But I reckon public cynicism now far surpasses my own.
I really think that Joe UK believes there is no moral depth this government would not plumb, no barbarity from which they would shrink.
I think Tony Blair tortured David Kelly to death with his own hands.
Ah, how quaint is your wide-eyed trustingness.

 

by andydougan
8-27-03
On his journey up the journalistic ladder, future BBC reporter John Pienaar once temped for FOX News's fashion department
Hey, John, we've got international supermodel Kate Moss coming in for an interview. This could be your ticket to the big time!
But I'm just a temp! I'm only qualified to clean Rupert Murdoch's teeth. With my nipples. While he's chewing.
Well, his teeth will just have to cope. Only you can do this interview.
Why is that, exactly?
Among Kate Moss's demands is that her interviewer have horns, hooves and a tail. Only you fit the bill.
Our proprietor off sick, then?

 

by andydougan
8-27-03
So, Miss Moss. Your job is to wear clothes and walk about. Tell us about that.
Hold it! I specifically requested that the interview be conducted in a white room. This is eggshell!
So anyway.
Hold it! I never gave you leave to look at me. Avert your eyes, presumptious cur!
Now, about that wearing clothes you do.
Time's up! Buh bye!

 

by andydougan
8-27-03
Wait, hang on a minute.
Avert 'em!!!
Look, I need this interview. It's my big break.
You dare use a contraction in my presence? I'm going to have a word with your boss!
Later, at the unemployment centre
I want a job where I get the chance to kill Kate Moss.
No vacancies. Will male prostitute for the local chapter of NAPWA do?

 

by andydougan
8-28-03
I noticed today that my keyboard doesn't have a shift lock key. Have they been phased out? Probably no one really used them anyway.
Today my lover and I watched the rising sun pour its kaleidoscopic aurora across the mottled hills, making the most of our fleeting existence on this planet.
I mean, they make all the numbers come up as punctuation marks.

 

by andydougan
8-29-03
Tony Blair at the Hutton inquiry
So, Prime Minister. About this "forty-five minute claim", the ridiculously narrow aspect of your unflagging deceit on which this inquiry is concentrating.
Yeah. We believed that was true when we put it in. May Alistair Campbell resign if I tell a lie.
But now it's turned out to be wrong.
Right. So we're not dishonest, just incompetent. Yes, folks, that is actually the line we're taking.
A poll on Channel 4 News found that 90% of the public have noticed that you're a liar.
Yeah, well, a third of the electorate voted for us in 1997. So I wouldn't listen to anything they say.

 

by andydougan
8-29-03
According to a Channel 4 News poll, 90% of voters think that Tony Blair lied about the case for invading Iraq.
Ninety?! That's got to be rigged.
No kidding. I mean, how did they manage to find this 10%? Are there that many people on the party payroll, or who've been promised knighthoods à la John Scarlett?
Channel 4 must be in the government's pocket.
Some mosque in Iraq
Hey, did you hear? Alastair Campbell's just resigned!

 

by andydougan
9-06-03
New Zealand. Director Peter Jackson is in talks with rugged Cinderella Man star, Russell Crowe
Liv Tyler's off sick with rabies and you want me to take her place in Return of the King? I thought it'd already been filmed.
Yeah, but we're going to stick in a "love" scene so broads will go to see it too. You have to have sex with Viggo Mortensen.
Well, could be worse. He's all right, I suppose. Quite comely, in fact.
Ah, that's just make-up. In real life he's by some distance the ugliest man in the world. Check out his pic on imdb if you don't believe me.
Sure enough...
Hence! HENCE!

Showing page 15.

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