All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
3-24-04
First they kill Christ.
Then they kill Sheikh Ahmed Yassin.
It just gets worse and worse!
Shut up and pass the blunt.

 

by andydougan
3-24-04
Have you ever seen Arafat without his headgear?
Yes. His head is made of chromium steel with blinking LEDs all over.
So if they drop bombs on him they'll just bounce off!
That's right!
Shame they'll then blow up and kill him.
Actually his head *is* a bomb.

 

by andydougan
3-24-04
Osama and Omar, turbaned terrors
I still don't see how you can justify killing a human being for the sake of temporary convenience.
Until it's born, a foetus is human only in a genetic sense. You can't tell me it has human rights comparable to its mother's.
Ha ha! I swear, you two are like an old married couple!
Well, we are married to each other's daughters.
Who the hell was that?

 

by andydougan
3-31-04
Okay, my word is "we". That gets me four points.
squeaker69: My go, then. "Amphitheater". On that triple word square, that'll be 87 points.
andydougan: "To". Damn. Used my wild card, so zero points.
OMFG dude! Your arse is ownz0red at Literati!
Just wait. Ol' Andy will outsmart that cheese-munching little shit eventually!
Don't your trousers go on over your underpants?

 

by andydougan
4-13-04
Proof of Life was on the other night. I'd sure hate to have been the star of that piece of abcess-riddled feculence! Oops, sorry!
Look, why do you hate me so much?
Because a toon killed my brother.
It was Digimon. He died of boredom while watching it.
But aren't you a cartoon as well?

 

by andydougan
4-24-04
Damn. That salvia's really starting to kick in.

 

by andydougan
4-24-04
Hi! As you're probably aware, elections to the student representative council are taking place soon.
As it happens, yes, I am aware of that. Because I went around campus this week pulling down any campaign posters I saw.
Well, as turnout hovers around the zero mark, every vote I can get is gold dust. So I'm here to give you money to support me. (ACTUAL TACTIC!)
If you want, I can take your bribe and promise to vote for you. I won't actually do it, of course.
Ha! There's one born every minute!
Do I get a badge?

 

by andydougan
4-24-04
Student politics
Your campaign literature says it is your policy to "ban ugly birds" from the union. (YES, ACTUAL QUOTE) How do you intend to pay for this?
I can assure you, my manifesto is fully costed.
And you list your hobbies as "lager, lager, lager, lager, lager, lager, lager".
That's because I don't know how to spell "being an absolute wanker who should be killed".
Also, your cyclically adjusted estimate of fiscal trend growth is all over the place.

 

by andydougan
4-26-04
If there's a better song than The Boxer, I don't want to hear about it.
What about I Know a Song That'll Get on Your Nerves by Joe Pasquale?
Shut up. The Boxer is the greatest song ever written. I see a lot of parallels between the life of its protagonist and my own.
I guess I must be misinterpreting the lyrics.
Simon and Garfunkel in the late 60s
What say we do one about an autistic deviant who writes reviews of films he hasn't seen whilst copulating with Jammy Dodgers?
That's the last time I let Art come up with the idea for a song.

 

by andydougan
4-28-04
There's a dead wasp under an upturned glass in the kitchen. It looks like some cunt starved him to death. When I find out who, I'll nail their door shut and let the same happen to them!
Actually, the wasp is probably a she.
In that case, I suppose I should be pleased. It's the hottest bitch I've ever had in my kitchen.
Even if it is a wasp.
And dead.
And diploid.

 

by andydougan
4-28-04
You're downloading MP3s? Don't you know that dwonlaoding=molesting? YUO MOLESTAR!
Let's form a band called MoleStar.
So
Hi! We're MoleStar!
Yes! Let us repair to the MoleStead! MoleSted. Or something.
How about MoleStation?
Yeah!

 

by andydougan
4-28-04
I feel like fucking some queers in their eyes. But that worries me. Surely no normal person would want to have sex with somebody's empty socket?
No, no. You leave the eyes in. That way they act as lubricant.
YOUR SICK!
Your sick is all over my trainers.
Sorry about that.

 

by andydougan
4-28-04
Is Lolita the book as pervy as they say?
Nah. They just made the films pervy so's they'd sell. It's actually about the tragic downfall of a devil-dealing Scottish king.
Isn't that McFartynuts by Shakethishere?
Oh wait. I'm thinking of John Woo's Face/Off. Easy mistake to make.
No, you're thinking of that one with Nic Cage and John Revolta. Where they trade faeces.
Trading Faeces?

 

by andydougan
5-03-04
Er...
...uh...
...ummm!
I have quite a lot of South Park episodes downloaded?
Okay, maybe "just think of all the good things in your life" wasn't such hot advice.
Oh, and every now and then I manage to stop crying before my eyes start bleeding.

 

by andydougan
5-05-04
BUILD ME AN ARMY WILLING TO MURDER!!!!!
Haven't you already got one?
Oh. Yeah.
Ok.

 

by andydougan
5-09-04
Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Preemptive Defence
I was deeply, deeply saddened when I realised the pictures of our soldiers molesting Iraqis were going to be leaked.
What about the new, worse photos and videos you say have yet to come to light? What goes on in them?
Well, let's just say Saddam's old plastic shredders aren't exactly in danger of breaking down through disuse.
And is it true that "Lynndie" England is really a hermaphrodite?
Meanwhile
Mr Presiden, howcum you haven't sacked that guy yet?
So he can deflect criticism from me when more pics of Americans eating babies are released! It's a trick I learned from Tony Bliar! Don't say he has no influence!

 

by andydougan
5-10-04
At the press conference
Let me get this straight. Rumsfeld took "full responsibility" for the torture? Shouldn't he then go to jail? Or at least resign?
Crivvens! Dae ye no hae the sense ye were born wi?
This man is a hero! An oasis of light in the darkness of the world! He makes Florence Nightingale look like Radovan Karadzic!
I don't get all the fuss, anyway. In Somalia our boys were roasting children alive on spits!
Yeah, relatively speaking, Abu Ghraib's the fucking Ritz!

 

by andydougan
5-10-04
Great job you're doing in Basra, nit.
At least our soldiers are smart enough not to PHOTOGRAPH THEMSELVES TORTURING PEOPLE!
What about the made-up pictures in the Mirror?
No, it has to be real.
That's not what you said about our evidence for the war.
Look, we saved those cunts from a torturous regime, all right?

 

by andydougan
5-10-04
A bad cleric did!
Er, friend, go home. I just kan't lift my nob!
Oh? Priest queer raped Sammy's tush, urgently!
Violated?
With xcitement, yeah.
Zounds!

 

by andydougan
5-12-04
Gosh, it's chilly today. I think I have a cold coming on.
*kaf*
I wasn't aware that colds made black, bone-sprinkled diarrhea shoot out of your crotch.
Your mum's going to pay for this.

 

by andydougan
5-13-04
Geoff Hoon, Secretary of State for Haplessness
I can't believe I'm still in this job. I just can't believe it.
I need a pinch to make sure I'm not dreaming. But I lack the coordination to do it myself.
No, Geoff, I can't spare anyone right now! Just get back to staring at the wall!

 

by andydougan
5-13-04
Potentate Tony Blair on the blower to fifth-rate Defence Minister Geoff Hoon
There's no wall to stare at. I haven't had an office since you converted it into a surgery for Derry Irvine's colonic irrigation, remember?
Okay, never mind. Have you learned your one line for the next time you have to make a speech?
"I knew nothing about it"? That one?
Yes! Go over that a few thousand times. Now leave me alone.
What was it again?

 

by andydougan
5-13-04
Abu Hamza at the dole office
Zionist crusader dog! May your issue fall in blood-spurting agony before the gates of the Kaaba!
Are you here to sign on?
That's right. I need incapacity benefit on account of I'm missing most of my body parts.
Do you have some proof that you're not working?
Yeah. No one'd employ me because I'm insane.

 

by andydougan
5-16-04
Hold on a second. My kids have just come into the room.
Hmm. Your splayed cunt is slightly less attractive to me now that I know babies emanated from it.
You don't know how sorry I am to hear that.
Well, could you at least put them on the computer so I can "groom" them?
I don't know why women never have sex with me. It must be because they only care about looks.
You know, I warned your mum that smoking PCP while pregnant was a bad idea...

 

by andydougan
5-22-04
So I was at this party on Saturday night...
Party, eh? I might have been at the same one.
Oh, no, wait. I spent Saturday night posting the goatse picture on S Club Juniors messageboards, a joint in one hand, my penis in the other.
I bet having kids really eats into your leisure time.

 

by andydougan
5-22-04
Yeah, so I was advised to stop saying "cunt" so much in front of women. Apparently some cunts find it offensive.
I mean women.
I find your existence infinitely more offensive.
Now, reeeel 'er in...

 

by andydougan
5-22-04
I'm going on a pub crawl with my mate Russell this weekend. I'll have to stock up on date rape drugs.
Plus find a good place to hide the bodies. I mean, it's not as if we can just let them go afterwards, is it?
Well, I guess we could. But it would be less satisfying an orgasm.
This "speed dating" thing really doesn't live up to the hype.

 

by andydougan
5-22-04
Whore! Your arms and face are visible! I can practically smell Mohammed's ire at your immodesty!
Oh, for Christ's sake. You're always on about Mohammed. It's really getting old.
Do you mind, Mullah Omar? I'm trying to get into this slut's pants here.
So, fancy coming back to my cave?
You're the best offer I've had all night. Count me in.

 

by andydougan
5-22-04
Looks like Osama got lucky with that chick.
Bah. What's he got that we don't?
I suppose he's a bit less violent and misogynist than I am.
And he smells a lot better than me.
I think girls just go for guys like him when they're young. We're more the type you settle down with.
Hey, man, you've got some rabies foam at the side of your mouth there.

 

by andydougan
5-27-04
Joan Collins announces her support of the UK Independence Party in the European Elections
I am perfectly entitled to endorse UKIP. I am from this country, after all.
Right.
I think this party will make things better in England, or Britain, or the UK, or whatever you call it these days. (ACTUAL QUOTE!)
So what are UKIP's policies?
Er, you'd have to ask Kilroy about that... (several more actual quotes...)

 

by andydougan
6-01-04
Mark Thompson, new non-partisan BBC Director-General, and Huw Edwards, BBC newsreader
I see we're scheduled to show Gutted, a documentary exposing the state of the Scottish fishing industry. That could damage government support. Let's postpone it til after the elections.
Why? It's not party political.
No, but if we indulge in...brrr... "public service", Millbank will come down on me like a ton of bricks. Our remit is to be the propaganda arm of the Labour Party, remember?
Er, I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Why are you wearing that stupid outfit, anyway?
To shield me from the smell of David Hill's semen on your breath.

 

by andydougan
6-01-04
Tommy Sheridan, orange Red, and some STV press officer
I hear you're refusing to air our party political broadcast! That's a jolly rum to-do, old chap!
Well, it's defamatory. At one bit you say that Tony Blair "lied" about Iraq.
Isn't that acknowledged now? He said they had weapons and they didn't.
Yes, but you don't know he was lying. He could just be really stupid, or insane.
But it'd be cumbersome to say "Tony Blair is either a liar, really stupid, or insane". The voters might not understand.
That's your fault for having such dim supporters.

 

by andydougan
6-01-04
Jacques Chirac, Gallic white-collar criminal, relaxes in front of the tube
Most voters want us to leave Europe! How can they all be extremists? Eh? Eh? Eh? Well? Answer me!
This is great! All the pieces are falling into place! We've wrangled it so that supporting withdrawal from the EU is popularly equated with xenophobia!
And by the way! I was talking about towelhead states, not towelheads!!! Wibble de woop! DON'T MENTION THE WAR HA HA REMEMBER 1815
Now only two British parties support withdrawal, with one of them fronted by an absolutely insane racist!
Er, right. Thanks to Mr Kilroy-Silk for that contribution.
And the BNP aren't too appealing either!

 

by andydougan
6-14-04
Robin Cook, the conscience of a nation
In order to regain public trust, Tony Blair must promise never again to go to war without UN support!
Isn't that exactly what you did in Kosovo?
Look, I thought I said I didn't want any filthy students living near me!

 

by andydougan
6-14-04
Peter Hain, conscience of a government
Even with our pathetic postal voting scam, Labour got its baws booted in the Euro elections! It must be Brussels's fault! They should do less, better!
"Doing less, better" is exactly what Jack McConnell promised to do in Scotland. And he's done nothing, worse.
I'm going to be Prime Minister.

 

by andydougan
6-16-04
I'm really worried. I think I've caught hepatitis B off my intersexed lover.
Bear in mind that anything you say to me is liable to end up in a comic strip.
Oh shit. Don't put that in.
Only on one condition.
What's that?
That you tell me one thing you like about me.

 

by andydougan
6-16-04
Dammit, I was still thinking!
My condolences, by the way.

 

by andydougan
6-20-04
I've got a great idea to damage the Labour Party vote! Watch this!
Can I help you?
I'm canvassing for Labour. You can gulp me off before I feed you your dead daughter's brute-evil twat, you God-rotten, brute-wrong cunt!!! NOW FUCK OFF!!!!!
Kiss me, you fool.
Oh shit, wait. The election's already been.

 

by andydougan
6-20-04
I've been meaning to download Simon and Garfunkel's comeback single, but I can't find it on WinMX.
Simon and Garfunkel? Aren't they those sissy-ass baby-boomer "folk" rockers?
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Oh for goodness sake stop crying.

 

by andydougan
6-22-04
So your job involves programming? Is that real programming or scripting?
Fuck you.
I guess that answers my question.
Orient my dick class between your buttcheeks instance.
Meanwhile, the latest beheading video release from al-Qaeda hits the streets
This is awfully boring.

 

by andydougan
7-05-04
Al-Qaeda's new video
Gooooood morning, America! Yes, it's the Ladenator, the U to the B to the L, goin' out to the wicky wicky infidel west!
Harken unto my nefarious ultimatum! Unless Mohammed Atta is released from your prisons, this American soldier here will be a good foot shorter! Titter!
Em, isn't Mohammed Atta dead?
Ya. I want to be sure they can't meet my demands so's I get the pleasure of sawing your head off. With a toothbrush.
It's times like these I wish you people were better equipped.

 

by andydougan
7-05-04
Mario Cunti, Archbishop of Glasgow
...atchell delicately put it: "Homophobes = fagits". Jon Sopel is on the scene.
Hm. Some issue distantly related to sex is in the news at the moment. That's my cue to get on the blawer to the media.
Hi, is that the Herald? This is Archbishop Cunti. If you've got some space to fill, I can write you a 16000-word piece on why fucking is wrong.
Mario, mate, "space to fill" is our middle name. Get on it.
Meanwhile, ex-Cardinal Tom Winning waxes tedious
The homosexual lobby are basically Nazis...blah blah...perversion... not Adam and Steve...sex this...sex that...waffle... gibber...
Groan. They weren't kidding around when they named this place "Hell".

 

by andydougan
7-06-04
Oh, Erica, how I long to run my hands through your auburn hair once more.
Once more?
Oh yeah, wait. That wasn't you that time. It was my crotch.
And it wasn't so much auburn as kind of grey with off-white matted bits.
You know, I'm sure I saw you on a website once...

 

by andydougan
7-06-04
So then I said: "I'll give you 50p if you can cram it all the way up without drawing blood."
Ah, God bless you!
YOU WOULD COMMAND YOUR GOD, OH MAN? YOU WOULD STAIN HIS HOLY BEING WITH SUCH ULTIMATE BLASPHEMY?
Hey, God, I've been looking for you. You up for an all-night Worms marathon on Friday?
Okay, but this time no Red Bull.

 

by andydougan
7-09-04
What are you up to?
SILENCE! I'm trying to think of redeeming features possessed by Michael Douglas.
Any luck so far?
Don't be silly.

 

by andydougan
7-09-04
Michael Douglas commands Catherine Zeta Jones.
It is his hands under her buttocks, as he points her hips upwards that he may thrust his erect penis into her. Not yours.
Hahahahaha.
I hate you.

 

by andydougan
7-17-04
The fur flies at PMQ
After you made up stories about Iraq (which I pretended to believe, but we'll ignore that!), how will we ever trust you if we have to go to war over a real threat?
Not to worry. The only times Britain ever goes to war is when America tells it to. So whether the Prime Minister is trusted or not is irrelevant.
Oh yeah.
By the way, has he noticed how he always addresses me in the second person and I always refer to him in the third? What's the deal wit' dat?
Perhaps you're so afraid of me you can't directly confront me.
Heh. He should be a comedian.

 

by andydougan
7-21-04
What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts?
Ihunno.
You can't gargle gravel!
Tsk. I hope you don't tell that joke to women who've had miscarriages.
I won't.
Hey, let's not be too hasty.

 

by andydougan
7-22-04
Guess what? A lesbian couple have moved into my flat.
That's of no interest to anyone.
I expected you to go "Woo! Dykes! Fuckin' A!" That's what all my friends said.
You don't have any friends.
I know. I was just saying.
Go away.

 

by andydougan
7-22-04
Eavesdropping on the lesbian flatmates
Yeah...that's it, bitches...work it...uh...yeah... just like that...
I'm just going to pop round to the shops for some milk.
Get some kitchen roll too. We're out of it.
Do you hear someone caterwauling in orgasmic ecstasy outside our door?
Is that what it is? I thought it was a hyena with Down's syndrome.

Showing page 17.

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