All comics by AtheistDiary

Profile

 

by AtheistDiary
11-21-03
... so ya, Dyan strung me along and messed me up pretty good. I've been very depressed over it.
At times like these I like to sit at a piano and gently let go of my feelings through the soothing melodies that only the keys can make.
Due to limited characters and graphics, the following is Ivy's brother playing piano, not sitting at a desk. Just humor me and go along with it.
I think your pain would feel something like this ...
YOU FUCKIN' WHORE! YOU USED ME! YOU NEVER LOVED ME! I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN BLOOD! DIE!! DIE!! DIE!! I WANT MY RECORDS BACK! I WANT MY FUCKING RECORDS BACK!!
*sniff* That was beautiful, man. Kinison would be proud.
And, ya know, for an extra 50 I can bump her off and make it look like a beastiality experiment gone horribly wrong ...

 

by AtheistDiary
11-23-03
What happened here?
Brother Muhammad completed his suicide mission. He's up in the Promised Land now with his virgins, enjoying the good life.
Meanwhile, in the afterlife ...
Where the hell are my 72 promised virgins?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid your religion misinterpreted. It was supposed to say that if you blew people up, you would be promised a job working as if YOU were a 72 year old virgin.
crap.
... and can I Biggie-Size those fries, man?

 

by AtheistDiary
11-24-03
[ 15:42:38 ] Ivytheplant has left #stripcreator
Why doth thou mocketh me, cruel world, with your contempt for the feelings within my heart and soul? Damn you to hell! For that is where I now shall always dwell in these lonely hours that she is away
[ 15:43:26 ] Ivytheplant has joined #stripcreator
Makes me almost forget that I'm married. :)

 

by AtheistDiary
11-25-03
*singing*
This is George. He's really bad with lyrics.
"... and I ... can't help ... falling in love ..."
"... with jews ..."
As it turns out, he also sucks at being a skin head.

 

by AtheistDiary
11-27-03
Notice to Viewers: The DVD you are about to watch presents fictional accounts of intimate relationships. It was design to inform and to educate.
The fictional relationships you are about to see do not exhibit the full range of a real life interpersonal relationship.
Should the viewer want additional information on interpersonal relationships, please do not hesitate to write our company for a free brochure.
All actresses in this presentation have been treated with the utmost care and respect, with extra special attention provided for their physical and emotional well being.
Hey, what are you watching?
The intro to "FREAKY SLUTS AND STUPID GANG BANG WHORES Vol. 3"

 

by AtheistDiary
11-27-03
A long time ago the Native Americans and the Pilgrims came together to feast on Turkey and celebrate a peaceful friendship ...
Wait wait wait ... why are you using me? I'm not Native American, I'm Arabic.
ummm ... well, we really don't have a Native American character on here ...
Ya, and I'm not really a Pilgrim, I'm Amish.
Uh, well, there really isn't an icon for Pil- ... ya know what? Fuck it! Happy Fucking Thanksgiving, Assholes!
What's a turkey? Does it taste like camel?

 

by AtheistDiary
11-28-03
... must ...
... resist ... making ...
... crude ... joke ...
ah, fuck it
What's one show you won't be seeing this fall on CBS?
Touched by a Jackson

 

by AtheistDiary
11-30-03
So you've thought about doing porn, eh?
Yes, but I really don't have the body for it.
What the hell you talkin' about? I'd fuck ya!
Sweety, YOU don't even have the body for porn.
No no, I'd be holding the camera. I was actually thinking about throwing in a few midgets and a rubber chicken in your scene!
ACK!!

 

by AtheistDiary
12-02-03
Anna Paquin, Janeane Garofolo ... both naked ... with anal lube ...
I'll be right back. I just shot a wad in my skivvies.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-02-03
Folks, I'd like to introduce you to a new character. This is Marmel and he is our very first ...
Very First WHAT? BLACK character? You profilin' me? You singling me out cause I'm one of "dem darkies", you stereo-typical racist cracker?!
Actually I was going to say "our first gay character", but now you can just sit in the corner and play Hide 'n Go Fuck Yourself.
Screw this, I'm outta here. Where's your nearest KFC?

 

by AtheistDiary
12-02-03
I was working late one night at the local daycare center when a mouse came up to me & said "Hey, I like lime jello." So I punched him in the nasal cavity with a jelly donut.
He said "Hey! Why did you do that? I'm not gay!" So I tried to teach him to be more sensitive to other people's feelings.
But he twarted my evil plans by pulling off his testicles to reveal that he was Danny Glover. I was so angry that I farted on his mustache and made a run for the border.
Unfortunately they didn't have Del Taco so I had to come back for my mild sauce packets. As it turns out, Danny Glover ate them all and took a big stinky shit all over my penny loafers.
I screamed "YOU BIG JERK!" and I stabbed him in the spleen with my lucky golden spork of doom. He imploded and was sent to Krypton to live out his days molesting a spider monkey named Clyde.
(I wrote all this just so I could say that retard's girlfriend has nice boobies.)

 

by AtheistDiary
12-04-03
I had a girl and Donna was her name. Since she left me, I've never been the same.
Cause I love my girl. Donna, oh where can ya be?
Where can you be?
Oooooooh, Donna. Oooooooh, Donna.
Oooooooh, Donna. Oooooooh, Donna.
Ok, now that that song is stuck in your head, too, come frolic in the fields of misery with me.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-05-03
Young lady, you've been a very bad little girl. I want you to come here this INSTANT!
This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.
What the hell??
Thanks for the Tai Kwan Do classes, dumb ass. Now fetch me some cookies while repeating "Who's Yo Daddy?"

 

by AtheistDiary
12-05-03
Beat the Lawyer with a Squeegee and Win a FREE DVD Player!
Force the Member of PETA to Eat a Burger and Win FREE Steaks for a Year!
Give the Hooker AIDS and Win a FREE Holiday Shopping Spree!

 

by AtheistDiary
12-07-03
On the twelfth day of christmas my dealer gave to me ...
12 Hits of Acid, 11 Kegs of Beer, 10 Packs of Camels, 9 Bags of Shrooms, 8 Pounds of Weed, 7 Rails of Coke, 6 Metal Straws ...
FIVE PROSTITUTES!!
4 Syringes, 3 Viles of Crack, 2 Crack Pipes ... and a Refer in a Roach Cliiiiiiip ......

 

by AtheistDiary
12-11-03
I fucking HATE L.A. drivers. Especially those assholes who love to cut you off in their BMWs and then slow waaaaay down right in front of you.
I've seen how you drive. They're lucky you don't cram yourself right up their tail pipe!
Speaking of which ...
Forget I said anything.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-12-03
Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio. Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe.
Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom, Brando, "The King and I", and "The Catcher in the Rye". Eisenhower, vaccine, England's got a new queen, Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye
Josef Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev, Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc. Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, dacron, Dien Bien Phu and "Rock Around the Clock"
Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team, Davy Crockett, "Peter Pan", Elvis Presley, Disneyland, Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Khrushchev, Princess Grace, "Peyton Place", trouble in the Suez
*** fast forward *** --------------------------- Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson. Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British politician sex, JFK blown away, what else do I have to say?
I'm waiting to see if the Google ads post Billy Joel on this SC page.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-14-03
"... and millions of people celebrated as videos and pictures of Saddam in army custody were shown over and over on various news channels ..."
That's nice, but where's Osama bin Ladin?
"... the world's greatest terrorist is now going to face justice for his crimes against humanity ..."
Excuse me, folks, but has everyone completely forgotten Sept. 11th??
" ... and in other news, Bush has a new plan for the war on drugs: 'We're having trouble locating these drug lords, so we're instead turning our attention to the elderly who abuse Medicare.'"
Sounds about par for the course.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-14-03
... and the polls today show Americans have suddenly embraced President Bush after the news of Saddam's capture.
heh heh ... the poor bastards completely forgot that I initially was going in to find Weapons and not take down a leader.
Bush has been quoted as saying that Saddam would be facing final justice for the millions that suffered under his rule.
HA HA! They're buying it! They completely forgot that I couldn't find bin Ladin and instead of trying harder I decided to bomb someone else! Now they're patting me on the back & calling me brilliant!
And in a related story: conspiracy theorists are saying that Bush found one of Saddam's body doubles and promoted him all over the air waves just to boost his ratings for re-election.
Shit, they're on to me!

 

by AtheistDiary
12-15-03
Oh god, yes! YES! Oh harder, baby!
Oh, man. This feels so good. Oh ya. Ooooh.
You know you're just dreaming, right?
Ya, I know, but just let me enjoy this for a few more moments.
And that's really a teddy bear on your ...
ACK!!

 

by AtheistDiary
12-15-03
Good evening, Mr. President, my name is Atheist Diary. I know you must be a very busy man, what with all your ranch vacations and such, so I'll keep my questions brief.
How in the hell did you get into my office?
Well, sir, I used quantum mechanics to invent a mini-worm hole, then stretched the opening to the size of 7 feet. I then directed it into your office and aimed it at your new rug.
WOW! REALLY?!?
No, I walked in from the back door. Your secret service men really suck at their jobs, by the way.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-15-03
Atheist Diary Asks a Few Questions
Mr. President, people are calling you a brilliant leader for the capture of Saddam Hussain.
Yes, I have to agree it was an ingenius move on my part.
But you didn't do anything except send others to bomb their country while you went and played golf. If anyone should be commended, it should be the soldiers who found him.
But I'm the one who sent them in there in the first place. I should be given a medal of honor just for that reason alone.
That brings me to my next question: why DID you send troops in there to take over their leader when you probably should have sent those troops into Afghanistan to look for bin Ladin?
**confused look** He must be using them subliminable message on me!

 

by AtheistDiary
12-15-03
Atheist Diary asks some questions
Ok, Mr. President, then at least tell me your present stance on the whole Weapons of Mass Destruction situation with Iraq.
What do you mean?
You still haven't found any.
Who cares?! I just took over their leader and avenged my father's death!
Uh, but your dad's still alive and Saddam neither attacked, nor tried to murder your father.
***whining into the intercom*** LAURA! THIS ATHEIST GUY IS TRYING TO RUIN MY STAR WARS FANTASIES!

 

by AtheistDiary
12-15-03
Atheist Diary asks some questions
Will you now be stepping up your task forces and focusing harder on trying to find Osama?
Are you kidding? I'm gunna ride this Saddam show boat for at least 8 months! Hell, I may even run on it as my main platform for why I should stay in office!
But don't you think that the American public will eventually get tired of what you're doing and start asking the tough question?
Which one is that?
Where is bin Laden? Have you even been listening to half of what I'm saying?
It wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-15-03
Atheist Diary wraps it up.
Ok, I want to thank you for your time, Mr. President. But I do have one final question for you that's been bugging me for a long time now.
What's that?
Can I fuck your daughters in the ass?
LISTEN HERE, BOY! BACK IN MY HOME STATE OF TEXAS, A PERSON SAYS 'SIR' WHEN ASKING A QUESTION LIKE THAT!
Can I fuck your daughters in the ass, sir?
Sure. I let Dave Chappelle do it, so why not.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-15-03
Sir, as your lawyer, I advise that you swallow your Texas sized pride, come out publicly, and announce that there are no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. And there never were.
WHAT?? NO WAY! I can't do that! It would ruin me! My career as president would be OVER! I MIGHT EVEN BE IMPEECHED for NOT GOING AFTER bin LADEN as my PRIMARY TARGET!
I'm sorry, sir. It's what the American public wants and needs to know. Please just except it and do what you have to do.
Wait a minute, I'm not being Punk'd, am I?
No, sir, Ashton retired the show. Don't you remember crying over it last night into your pillow like a lil pussy?

 

by AtheistDiary
12-16-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
Hey, how'sit hangin'?
Oh bite me.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-17-03
The Caveman Diet
Eat meat all you want, all day long, and grow skinny like a cave man!
The Slim Fast Diet
Morning: ****drink**** **starve, starve** Afternoon: ****drink**** **starve, starve** Evening: Eat a sandwhich, go to bed. (repeat)
The Hollywood 48 Hour Diet
Drink nothing but this "juice" all day for 2 days straight, shit your intestines out your asshole, wait for 2 weeks, repeat.
God Bless America

 

by AtheistDiary
12-18-03
I used to have a girlfriend / And I'd often ask that runt / Ever think about douching out / That stench that's rotting your
Countries aren't at peace right now / And I must say to wit / On the subject of weapons of war / George Bush is full of
Shih tzu's are adorable / They can fit right on your lap / And one will win at the dog show if / The judges give a
Craps is fun in Vegas / I played it quite a bit / Then I turned to the bar maid and/ Said SHOW ME YOUR
Titillating this has been/ Though this strip does suck/ But frankly I'm too bored and tired/ To truly give a
Fuck.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-18-03
My bologna has a first name ..... it's O-S-C-A-R ...
You should see what I've named my vagina.

 

by AtheistDiary
12-21-03
I got ahold of this porno where this German chick takes almost an entire foot up her ass.
uh oh ...
So, being the refined bloke that I am, I added Barnum and Bailey's circus music to it and linked it on my SC strip page up above.
Must not boot up computer ... must not go to site ... must fight curiousity ... must ... must ...
It's hypnotic, isn't it?
that is so wrong

 

by AtheistDiary
12-21-03
OH MY GOD! WE'RE AT CODE ORANGE! RUN FOR THE HILLS, CHENEY!! WE'RE ALL GUNNA DIE!!
Actually, Mr. President, it just means we're being more watchful and careful around the holiday season.
You mean we're just running the system based on paranoia and not on solid facts?
*Neurolizer Flash* You are the President of the United States. You hate Iraq, love puppies, and have no interest in analyzing anything the government does in any logical fashion.
Puppy dogs make me smile :)

 

by AtheistDiary
12-21-03
Retard's comics usually inspire me to fart, but that's only because I'm lactose intolerant and I feel the need to drink milk and eat Nilla wafers while reading his strips.
Sometimes I admire them from afar with a telescope hooked on to my boobies. It usually doesn't work, though, because Danger Mouse always wants to do a strip tease for me instead. It's very distracting
Once I was looking through his comics when the google ads jumped out from the screen and proceeded to force me to hop scotch all the way to a Tiajuana hooker house.
I kept trying to tell them that I already had the clap, but they wouldn't listen. They just braided my butt hairs with Twizzlers and called me Nooba Nonga the Carrot Eater.
There was nothing I could do. So I sat down on the lava lamp and wrote a letter to Santa Claus asking for an application form. I was rejected, though, cause I'm a Mall Santa sex offender.
(Retard's girlfriend still has nice boobies.)

 

by AtheistDiary
12-27-03
YAY! I CAUGHT HIM! WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, SADDAM?
Meanwhile, in the rest of the world ...
WHERE THE FUCK
IS OSAMA BIN LADIN, YOU REDNECK HILLBILLY SHITBURGER!!

 

by AtheistDiary
12-27-03
The Ass Fucking Test Panel
Butt sex, anal, sodomy, asshole, asssex, assfuck, assfucker, assfucking
ass, asses, butts, assholes, rimjob, rimjobs, buttfuck, buttfucking, butthole, buttholes
The General Test Panel
Fuck, fucker, fucking, fucks, pussy, vagina, penis, penises, vaginas, cum, cumshot, moneyshot
cocksucker, dicksucker, blowjob, handjob, dicklicker, cocklicker, pussyfart, titty, titties
Anything Goes Test Panel
whips, whip, handcuffs, handcuff, spanking, spankings, spanker, spank, spanked
fisting, fistfuck, beastiality, necrophelia, snuff, cocks, dicks, dick, cock, asslicker, asslicking nuns

 

by AtheistDiary
12-29-03
Atheist Diary talks about anal sex constantly.
He must be gay!
Ivy, am I gay?
No, but sometimes my ass wishes you were, fucker.

 

by AtheistDiary
1-02-04
... and I must mention that we here at P.E.T.A. are strongly against the killing of animals for any reason. It's just completely wr...
Excuse me, but I think there's a huge cockroach right behind you.
AAAAHHHH!!!! *thwap* *thwap* *thwap*
Anyways, as I was saying ...

 

by AtheistDiary
1-03-04
This is Bob. Bob's livin' LARGE! That's because he decided to go BIG TIME with new clubs, new clothes, and a quick call to ENZYTE!
Huh? I'm not sure I follow.
And because of this NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT, within a few days Bob was the envy of all the neighborhood. And of course a little well earned respect ...
Respect because of natural male enhancement? Did he dressed up like Tom Selleck and do the dishes or something?
and a very HAPPY partner back at home.
Look, fucker, why don't you just come out and tell me I need a bigger cock?

 

by AtheistDiary
1-09-04
First Bush ruins the US, then he ruins Iraq. What's next? Outer space??
And in a related story, President Bush has announced plans to send men to Mars.
Ah crap.

 

by AtheistDiary
1-09-04
Esso-Asso: Someone who cuts through a corner gas station so they can by pass a red light.
HAHAHA! SUCKERS!
Jerk off.
Premature Ejacu-lightup: When a character in the movie sits on a bed with their lover and lights up a cigarette before they've even had a chance to boink.
YAY! A.D. finally found a reason to use me!
Criticus Paidoffearlium: Any film critic who gives any movie a "Best Movie of the Year" praise in the very beginning of January.
"PURE GENIUS! BRILLIANT! BEST PICTURE OF THE YEAR!"
The movie just came out on the 2nd, numb nuts!

 

by AtheistDiary
1-09-04
*commercial* *music*
Oh dear god no ...
*commercial* *music*
OH SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST!!!!!! *SLAM!*
um ... why is Atheist locked in the closet and screaming something about the final sign of the apocolypse?
Advertisers are trying to bring back Break Dancing.

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
Dear twig boy, I no longer have a crush on you so stop passing me notes in Ms. Marla's class!
Lost in an oblivion ... my angish ... feels like an unfathomable living hell. The fatal blow she has delt shatters my soul into a million unrepairable, jaded little fragments ...
My fate is clear now ... the only peace I shall ever know is in the gentle arms of somber death. Goodbye, cruel world. May you someday feel the magnitude of suffering that my existance has brought me.
*SLITS WRISTS*
It's ok. Just tell his parants you were too busy getting high.
Actually I was busy butt fucking his sister, but I think I'll use that line instead.

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
Atheist's First 'Law'
Any new scientific "break through" that can replace any "magical power" of God will not only be feared, but also usually made illegal in most of the world.
Atheist's Second 'Law'
Truth is relative, subjective, and emotional. And it has nothing to do with fact.
Atheist's Third 'Law'
99% of all people who quote statistics are usually 100% full of shit.

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
Atheist's Fourth 'Law'
More people have died in the name of God, Jesus, and/or Christianity than any other motivation on earth.
Atheist's Fifth 'Law'
Anyone who believes marriage is an institution probably deserves to be in one.
Atheist's Sixth 'Law'
Anal sex, if not done properly, is a big pain in the ass.
I've got one for ya: 9 times out of 10 Atheist Diary will use some form of sodomy joke for a punchline.

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
I'm really really sad and emotionally drained today.
Yeah, I heard about your dad having colon cancer. I can imagine it would be really hard to make SC strips right now. There's really no light side to cancer.
Colon cancer ... what a pain in the -
Save it, Butt Boy.

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
In my last SC strip I poked fun at, and made light of, my dad's colon cancer.
Although cancer is not usually a funny topic, I try to find some form of humor in all subjects. It keeps me sane when dealing with difficult situations.
If you were offended by my last SC, I apologize. Not because it offended you, but because you've probably gone through something smiliar and it's hardened your sense of humor far more than it has mine
I love my dad very much and I speak to him everyday when he's in the hospital. I try to do everything that I can to make sure that he is happy and is as healthy as humanly possible.
Yes, folks, Atheist really is a sweety pie.
Did I tell you to stop sucking? Back on your knees!

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
Don't you find it sad that you and Ivy flirt in your comics?
Not really. It's just our way of showing that we lust eachother.
Are you sure it isn't because you feel some other L word for eachother?
My gawd ... she's a LESBIAN??
IVY! You're an intelligent geologist ... what the hell are you doing with this schmuck??

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
I am the Phantom Critic. I stalk quietly in the night and hunt down my StripCreator prey ...
Suddenly the Phantom Critic finds an SC that doesn't make him laugh.
AHA! Atheist Diary's strip sucks today! I MUST rain havock down on his perfect star status and completely annihilate it with my sheer will!!
*click* Now it's time to go masturbate to Andy Griffith reruns.
MY WORK HERE IS DONE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
The Phantom Critic stands ever ready, poised if you will, to ruin someone's perfect star status.
They all laughed at me when I was a n00b. They shunned me and told me I sucked at life. NOW who is having the last laugh?!
... suddenly ...
*grumble grumble* *bump* OW! Where the hell's the light switch?
uh oh
ah crap
What the hell...?
The Phantom Critic has been foiled again ...

 

by AtheistDiary
1-12-04
YOU are the one who ruined my perfect star status? What on earth possessed you to do that?
Apparently I either don't have a life or I'm making up for the fact that I have a very small penis.
I'm not sure which is more disturbing, you being the Phantom Critic or you being the Phantom Critic in the bedroom where Ivy and I were just -
Yeah, speaking of which ...
YAY! 100th STRIP!
I saw what kinds of kinky shit you guys are into. It'll take decades of therapy to get those images out of my head.

Showing page 2.

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