All comics by Rockjock

 

by Rockjock
7-14-02
Just suddenly, the nefarious Mr. Xyxyr launches his diabolical plan!
Watch me as I set upon an evil rampage in the city! No one can stop me!
Wait! Who's that in the sky? Why, it's Captain Little Penis!
Reaching into his roomy pants, Captain Little Penis pulls out HOSTESS FRUIT PIES, the tasty and nutritious snack!
Taste flaky goodness, villain!
Oh drat! Not the delicious fruity taste I would have to be mad to resist! Very well, I shall surrender!
Looks like it's the maximum sentence for Mr. Xyxyr!
Wait! You're still locking me up? I thought we'd eat a few pies and have a big laugh over the whole thing!
You've been reading too many Archie comics, evil-doer! Time to make an example of you!

 

by Rockjock
7-14-02
And now, a sincere apology from Rockjock...
Folks, a few panels back I made an unsolicited reference to the "All Your Base" phenomenon that swept the Internet lo these many months.
This was an embarrassingly uncalculated move on my part. The slogan has lost all meaning, and it is time to move on.
Stop fucking apologizing, Captain 10 Minutes Ago...
It's a good thing...make no mistake...we will send them a message...do you Yahoo...lay the smack down...

 

by Rockjock
7-14-02
You can have a vintage car, but not everything else
So Gerald has a '57 T-Bird? Isn't that wild?
Um, yeah. Like I was telling him yesterday about my VIC 20 and my A Flock of Seagulls vinyl...
When you win bets with bookees, they better pay you the motherfuckin' money SOON, or heads are gonna roll!
Setting characters on fire in the third panel, GUARANTEED laughs.
AIIIIIIEEEEE!
Teach you to touch my implants...

 

by Rockjock
7-20-02
RJ is visited by Almighty God
Rockjock, I am the Lord thy God, your Creator!
My Lord! Why have You come to me?
I hath come to bring you a message of utmost urgency!
Tell it to me, and I'll spread the word!
Ph3ar my L337, j00 f00king b@$t@rd!
Pfft, that's original...

 

by Rockjock
7-20-02
RJ runs to spread the word...
Zbu, you won't believe what just happened! God spoke to me!
Hey, that's a good one, RJ! Maybe we can put this on the boards as a "Perfekts" story!
Man, I'm not lying!
Hmm, if you're right, and there is a God, and possibly an afterlife...
That's right: no more talk about murdering Bea Arthur!
Would a just God let her LIVE?

 

by Rockjock
7-20-02
I am sorry, God of L337, but I have failed you!
j00 dumb@$$! how in f00k c@n dis h00pen?
Maybe if You spoke more intelligently, Your message wouldn't have become so obfusated.
....
You're still a newbie as far as Supreme Beings go, aren't You?
/me am not!

 

by Rockjock
11-06-02
Funky Fresh Caleb rolls up for some peeps.
Yo, where the party at, slimmy?
Can we talk later? I'm right in the middle of this Ann Coulter book.
Dang, yo, you down wit' da bidness?
Do you mind? This PalmPilot won't program itself.
Yo yo, let me axe you, brutha. How you be puttin' up wit' dese lame-ass crackas?
I beg your pardon?

 

by Rockjock
11-06-02
Friday the 13th marathon, on the new TNN!
Jason Voorhes here. Wait, they didn't tell me I'd be working with some new guy.
Hi, I'm Jesse. I intern at TNN and goof off all day.
I suppose you want to do some clever ad campaign telling everyone how TNN is NOT The Nashville Network anymore.
Nah. Usually I'm the one who talks about chicks and stuff while another guy is trying to be all serious.
Ah yes. It feels awkward to bring this up, but I hate you and will kill you.
Dude, would you shtup one of those Klingon chicks? Totally I would.

 

by Rockjock
11-06-02
Ooh, unarmed British cops. Now there's a smart move.
Halt, in the name of the law!
Please?

 

by Rockjock
7-15-03
In theatres now--Sinbad
Sinbad, we will set out on an adventure to voyage the Seven Seas!
What is your first command, mighty pirate of world renown?
Man, you be noticin' how white people be like puttin' mayonnaise on food and stuff? Dat's all messed up, brutha!
Oh my God, it's the wrong one! SEA GODDESS! Kill me first!

 

by Rockjock
7-15-03
Rockjock's apartment, Saturday night, 11 pm...
Oh God, that's it...do it faster now...
Harder...HARDER! Oh, you're the BEST!!
Whew! Tender was right. You do it with your left hand and it does feel like another person.

 

by Rockjock
7-15-03
And now...the adventures of Moonbeam Tuttle...International Peace Activist!
Hey man, war is like bad and stuff. Don't you agree, President Chirac?
Mais oui! Zeez Americains, zey are, how you say, cochons de geurre!
Dude, they don't need freedom if it means a brief messy war. We need to reach out to the fellow Iraqi and give him a big hug.
Eef zere eez anything Ah have lurned from ze EU, eet eez that democracy makes for ze bad feelings between ze best frands.
Wow, man. You should, like, seriously go with me to my "Free Tibet" protest.
*gasp* Are you suggeting MOI in ze war? Ah am moving to America, where eet ees safe!

 

by Rockjock
7-16-03
Lotus666 in her MacArthuresque military strategy...
"TEN...NINE...EIGHT...SEVEN..."
Someone in here? We laid the bomb already and--
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

 

by Rockjock
7-16-03
T: Rockjock - 0 CT: Lotus666 - 1
Ah, this is so great! LOL! I'm totally destroying RJ. Take that, j000 shuritt tart munkeh!
T: Rockjock - 42 CT: Lotus666 - 2
Wait a second! How can this be happening!? That beggar geologist better watch out, or he'll get the boots! :p
T: Rockjock - 112 CT: Lotus666 - 3
Hey Lotus. BLAM, you're dead again. You want to go talk on mIRC yet or what?
ROFL! Are you kidding? :D This is too ****ing much fun!

 

by Rockjock
7-20-03

 

by Rockjock
7-20-03
You know, they really should let you edit these comics. Maybe we should just pay the damn Paypal--
Whoa whoa whoa! Who the fuck is talking to you, default girl?

 

by Rockjock
7-20-03
Please not me, please not me...
Please not me, please not me...
Please not me, please not me...
Please not me, please not me...
Oh shit.
Gerald, will you come into my office totally unsupervised? This won't take long.

 

by Rockjock
7-20-03
Presenting the Italian and black stereotypes!
It's a-me, Mario! Howya doin', bambino? I eat-a da pizza pie, then I join-a da Mafia!
I be eatin' fried chicken, yo. Man, why I gots ta go to schoo'? I love me some white womens.
The Chinese and female stereotypes!
Ching chong chang chong! Me likey flied lice! Me so horny, me rove you rong time!
I can't drive or spend money well. I'm always on the rag. I'll only sleep with you for your money.
And...the senior citizen and white male of 2003 stereotypes!
I didn't contribute enough to Social Security! I want to drive despite having no vision and constantly blacking out! I piss myself a lot!
Everything that happened thus far is all my fault. Please, blame all of this on me.

 

by Rockjock
7-20-03
Kobe Bryant faces the music on his rape charges.
I would just like to thank you all for coming to this meeting to address the charges against me.
Though I do admit freely to having an affair with the woman in question, she is wrong in her assertion that I took her by force. Any questions?
Mr. Bryant, your trial is over already. Take off your clothes so we can spray you with disinfectant.
This press conference is over!

 

by Rockjock
7-20-03
Man, I just love these Highland Games! Thanks for inviting me out and letting me wear my kilt. This is a riot!
Hey, my pleasure. What's with the hand?
Argh! These kilts are so itchy! Why don't they make them out of thinner material?
Well, what kind of underwear are you wearing?
Under-what?

 

by Rockjock
7-21-03
Lord Finisher, as a product of Nietzsche existentialist thinking, I have determined that you do not exist.
You are a product of my id, a mere social construct. You are subservient to my will. Your acts are a mere induction of my own desires.
Dude, shut the fuck up.
I'll just pretend you never said that.

 

by Rockjock
7-23-03
Funky Fresh Caleb is unnerved at his friend Scott's new lifestyle...
Psssssssh! Dag, yo, why you be all dressed up in that suit, sucka? You be goin' ta court latah?
No Caleb, I'm going door to door spreading the word. We are witness to Jehovah and have come to help you get into Heaven.
Tahahaha! The F to da F to da C don't play that shee-it! Why you down with dat played-out religious bull, kid?
Well, my parents make me do it, but I think salvation is important. Plus my temple will pay me a full scholarship to any college if I get two conversions.
Man, what-EVAH! College is fo' fags, yo, and church is MAD weak. I be goin' to Mack-Donald's with my mom's boyfriend latah! SEE YA, BEYOOOTCH!
Yeah, I was just thinking I see McDonald's in your future.

 

by Rockjock
7-23-03
STOP! You could be looking at porn right now!
But I'm not! Frigging pop-ups! *click* *click* *click*
Want to find a natural alternative to Viagra?
I usually find that under "lesbian porn," stupid. *click* *click* *click* *click* *click*
That does it...come to poppa, Xbox.
Contact your Congressman about antitrust statutes! Apple sucks!

 

by Rockjock
7-23-03
From the producers of "The Restaurant" comes the NEW reality series, "Convenience Store!"
Gosh, Mr. Hajirburunderkamir, thanks for hiring me on the late shift. With any luck I won't get shot in my first month.
You stupid kid! I hate you! Now work for minimum wage while I trust you with full access to the register.
Dwayne, what's happenin' bra? How you livin' workin' for da man?
Eh, it's not bad, but they got me doin' this reality show while I'm at it. So far I've been married twice, won two million dollars, boxed David Caruso, and ate a dog's ball.
When ratings start to sag, a new twist is thrown into the formula...
Roight. Ungle blallah jumma donut come skalla me *BLEEP* you son of a *BLEEP* right up me...w-w-where am I?
Ozzy!! I never signed on for this! I used to be Anna Nicole's son!

 

by Rockjock
3-12-04
Yay double-stuff Oreos! Yummy!

 

by Rockjock
3-12-04
John Kerry holds yet another press conference deriding the Bush administration...
...and that is why mentioning the war for political gain is wrong. Take it from a Vietnam veteran. Next question?
Senator Kerry, how will you solve the deficit problem?
Well, any time I was short of cash in my own personal life, I found it simplest to marry a wealthy widow and incorporate the unearned wealth into my own.
That's why Japan is changing its name to "Mrs. Japan-America."
Oh, good. And when it's caught having an affair with Canada will it be sent to Africa too?

 

by Rockjock
3-12-04
Meanwhile, the new Bush re-election ads begin broadcasting...
My fellow Americans, we have faced much terriblism through this time of war.
But through your investment, determination, and decreasing ignorance of world events, we have made strides to make America safer.
9/11! ANTHRAX! NUCULAR WEAPONS! BOOGA-BOOGA! Vote for me or Botox Boy will let you die. Thanks, and I paid for this shit.

 

by Rockjock
3-12-04
Hey folks, Bill Clinton for priceline.com! Just hoping you hadn't forgotten about me.
Have you ever been in a bind to find a hotel with the cheapest rates where your wife can't track you down, the Secret Service will look the other way, and you can find the lowest hourly rates?
Try this here priceline.com! And believe me, you won't have to "put some ice on that" with their rates!

 

by Rockjock
3-12-04
G.I. Joe, 2004!
He fights for freedom, when there's an election...G.I. Joe is there!
Or when Clinton gets busted for using his erection...G.I. Joe was there!
G.I. Jooooe...a real American Hero! We sometimes use hobbies to show how we fight now...G.I Joe is there!
We got rid of restrictions, like gender or height now...G.I. Joe is there!
Always fighting in crazy-ass places! Yes we even go to Maaaars! Man, we go too far!
We can't get the ROTC on anyone's campus...G.I. Joe isn't there! G.I. Jooooooe!

 

by Rockjock
3-14-04
RJ goads Zbu into trimming his mane...
Oh come on, RJ, I'm not cutting my hair. I think it makes me look like a rebel.
I'm telling you, you gotta cut the hair. We're all in agreement on the baords.
No, look, I'm telling you I can't! All right! FINE! If I cut my hair, will you leave me alone already?
Yes, you'll turn out for the better. Trust me. Everything will work out. You worry too much. You'll look fine.
One hour later...
Well, what do you think?
Holy mother loving...GROW IT BACK! GROW IT BACK!

 

by Rockjock
3-14-04
What if the geek who made realultimatepower.net actually met a REAL ninja?
Oh my GOD!! I'm here, with a real-life for real NINJA!!!
That must make you super-sweet!!!! Man, if you said something NINJA-RELATED right now, I would just be like TOTALLY lost in the AWESOMENESS!!!!!
Uh...nunchuks?
HOLY AWESOME!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!! I JUST CRAPPED MYSELF!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST EVER!!!!!!!!!!

 

by Rockjock
3-15-04
And now, Rocky takes time to sit and interview Magpye's baby...
Hey little guy! We're all happy to see you made it inot the world safe and sound.
Yeah, well it took bloody long enough! What was me mum waitin' for?
Holy cow! You mastered the English language pretty fast.
Me mum read to me when I was in the womb.
Let me guess...biker mags and the usual goofiness we put on thelotusposition.com, right?
Who the bloody hell is this Julia Roberts and why do you hate her so much?

 

by Rockjock
3-15-04
Darque confronts the notion of having a baby...
So...what do I need to do for you anyway?
You have to be my template for being a man. Teach me to love and protect.
My hopes, dreams, and ambitions will all be on your balance of encouragement and instilling a sense of level-headedness. You must teach me to be a contribution to civilization.
Let's just watch Robot Wars and fall asleep on the couch.
Can I taste some of your beer too?

 

by Rockjock
3-18-04
Lotus666 meets with the Godson...
Oh my GOD! Look at the widdle beanie! Auntie WUBS you soooo much! *giggle*
Uncle Rocky said you can speak. Say "hello" to me. Hello! Come on! I know you can!
Say it! C'mon! Say it! Say it to me! I know you can! Say it! Please say it to me...HELLO! Pleeeease? C'mon...
Uncle Rocky was right about something else...screwing with this one's mind will be funny.

 

by Rockjock
3-18-04
Dick Cheney confronts John Kerry on his legion of international leaders who support him...
I have met with foreign leaders who have given me their support.
Name one.
Er...what I meant to say was I have TALKED to MORE leaders who have given me their support.
Leaders of what? Are they governors? Members of Congress or some NGO?
What I meant to say was that I BOUGHT four LITRES of expensive PORT.
It sure sounds like it...

 

by Rockjock
10-19-04
The annual Cosplaycon comes to town...
I'm Shimori Hatoshi, and I am a cat creature from the cartoon Itami Warrior XDR 2097!
Chirst, here we go...geek squad at three o'clock!
I am in tune with the Japanese culture. They are respective of the mystical nature of the female.
You mean like giving them massive breasts that would snap their backs in the real world? Do I even have to go into the tentacles?
Using the power of Gasuko Barai, I summon the fire elemental and open the nexus to Dark Earth!
An island of 130 million people, and we're reduced to a fucking roundeye stereotype. Thanks, Internet.

 

by Rockjock
10-19-04
Which was worse during the third Presidential debate? John Kerry...
The fact is, allegedly, there's supposed terror out there for sure I think. As the Ten Commandments say, "Love thy neighbour as you love yourself."
...Geroge Bush...
I was...I...er...I guess I'm not so good with the English language. Ah heh heh. The threat of terra with nucular weapons is still prelevant.
...or Bob Scheiffer?
Aren't women just the coolest? How are you guys feeling? Do you like ice cream? Aren't I a swell moderator?

 

by Rockjock
10-19-04
New to XBOX--Fable, where YOU control how others perceive you...
Time to start my quest to conquer evil.
I am Pixina, the fairy guide who will give you clues along the way and assist you.
Damn, girl! Those are some major-ass pleasure pillows you're hauling around!
Oh, these? Yeah, I guess I am pretty well-endowed as far as fairies go.
Well shit, let's drop this questing crap and get down with bumpin' nasties. I'm hung like a horse, too.
Pffft! Look at the size of me. If you can even fit it in I'm going to laugh my fucking ass off.

 

by Rockjock
10-19-04
And now, the healing can begin between Jon Stewart and Tucker Carlson...
And welcome back to Crossfire! My guest joining us again is Jon Stewart, host of the Daily Show.
Hi Tucker. Look, I think the last time I was on we got off on the wrong foot.
Agreed. This time let's sit here and discuss topics like rational, civilized people.
Perfect! That sounds like it would make this show interesting for a change.
You suck dick.
You suck Ann Coulter's dick.

 

by Rockjock
10-19-04
We interrupt "Rita MacNeil, Concert at the Sizzler" for this breaking news story...
Good evening, Halifax. Breaking news tonight as a fire ravages a home in the metro area.
Details are sketchy at this time, but the address of the home where the fire is taking place is 1642 Jospeh Howe Dri--
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!

 

by Rockjock
10-19-04
Throw yo' hands way up in the ay-ah...
And wave 'em like you just don't cay-ah...
Are you sure this will attract the kids into the churches?
I sincerely hope so...

 

by Rockjock
10-19-04
Hey, are you gellin'?
Like Magellan eatin' a slice of melon!
I'm tellin' like I'm watchin' Ellen!
My sister's name is Helen MacLellen!
I once committed rape...I'm a convicted felon.
Wait...what?

 

by Rockjock
10-21-04
In the race to the White House, the people are disappointed...
Despair grips a nation as they struggle to find their true leader!
Jesus God Damn Christ, what the fuck do we DO?!
Then a man emerges to show us the light...
I'm Dave Chappelle, bitch! I'm gonna preside over you muthafuckas with checks and balances.

 

by Rockjock
10-21-04
President Chappelle introduces his new program to eliminate terrorists--personally follow them around and playa hate on them.
Where you goin', bitch? I see you checkin' out Madrid an' shit! You's a bad boy, ain't ya?
Oh, you's a big man runnin' up on Chechnya and trying to fight there! Shit, no one would think to find yo' ass up in here! Get yo'self some WMDs yet, ya muthafuckin' fool?
Jesus God Damn Christ, what the fuck do we DO?!
Yeah, that's right, bitch! You best go get converted. We got infidel skills you better recognize! Say hi to Rick James for me too, foo'!

 

by Rockjock
10-21-04
President Chappelle assembles a new cabinet...
Mr. President, since I was former Secretary of State, I should at least be your new vice president.
Hey man, you had your chance in '96 to beat Clinton and keep him from gettin' into trouble with the BJs. Next!
As a former National Security Adviser, I feel I'm qualified to serve another term under you, Mr. President.
Aren't you Condi Rice? RICE?? Damn, girl, even your name is WHITE. You and your Lucy Van Pelt hairdo can get the fuck outta here.
John Kerry, reporting for duty!
Yo man, you and yo' Mekong Delta-crusin' ass can get the fuck outta my town! I got a $50 million contract and you the muthafucka wanna raise my taxes! Fuck, bitch!

 

by Rockjock
10-21-04
Introducing the newest export from Afghanistan...Screwy Canard and Termites Rabbit!
So, what is to be happening, doctor?
You are the intolerable.
All your favourites in a low-budget "good enough" kind of setting!
I am saying, I am saying, I am saying...hello!
Please be quite twice! I will vanquish rodents!
Coyote: caninus obstreperous. Osama: fanaticus secludius
Death to America! *meep meep*

 

by Rockjock
10-22-04
President Chappelle visits American troops in Iraq...
Hey, suckas! It's the Commander in Chief in tha hizzy, yo.
Jesus God Damn Christ, what the fuck do we DO?!
Aw, shit! It's that Moonbeam Tuttle muthafucka! What's up yo' ass this time?
Dude, you're not only fighting in Iraq, but pulling our troops out of Germany and South Korea! We only want our soldiers stationed where they're needed least!
Yo man, no sweat. I'll send those guys in Germany back for another tour of duty. I made sure to tell them who to thank for that, too.
Ummm...this might severely handicap my human shield ability if the soldiers will be willing to shoot me anyway.

 

by Rockjock
10-22-04
*RING RING RING RING RING RING RING*
BANANAPHOOOOOONE...
This level of disgust requires a never-uttered curse word.

 

by Rockjock
10-22-04
Dave Chappelle unearths a terrific find in Iraq...
Hah HAH! Yeah, nigga! Check the shit up in here! Got yo' WMD action all up in yo' grill!
Yeah, check this shit, y'all! Fuckin' mobile lab full of anthrax! Oh, and what's this? Ahhh, stolen fomulas from U.S. laboratories. Fuckin' in yo' FACE!
Yeah, so snap on ya, ya punk-ass media bitches! Next time y'all question my ass, you get called un-American for LIFE!
Jesus God Damn Christ, what the fuck do we DO?!

 

by Rockjock
10-23-04
To all the girls I've loved befoooore...
*sigh* Who am I kidding?

Showing page 2.

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