All comics by UncleTerwilliger

Profile

 

EEWWeeewwwEEwww...I'm so scared!
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-24-10

 

So...I guess I'm in for some messed up acts of depravity, huh?
Some shit that will haunt my dreams until the sweet release of death seems like a welcome blessing compared to remembering what's about to take place here?
Uhhh...Mostly I just wanna cuddle.

 

In life, I was a black person--killed unjustly for the color of my skin.
Tonight, I'm going to take you on a journey of self discovery and introduce you to three ghosts who will save your life.
Really?
Nah...I'm mostly just going to follow you around calling you a "nigger" while you're trying to sleep.

 

That's when I realized that the fruit flies had mobilized and were being fit with tiny crop dusters which emit a mind controlling poison that makes the victim develop an uncontrollable love...
...of long John's, blindness in barbers and a deep abiding love of Belgian waffles.
Mr. Gary, ...I mean--Ms.Talula Belle...I don't think that my troop master is going to acknowledge your "Helping a mis-understood hermaphorodite dictate his manifesto" badge.

 

Obvious Pussy joke.
Pussy Something something turbines something gravitons something something homo-erotic.
Blashphemy blah blah. God is dead blah blah.
TOBOR RAAAPPPE JESUS IN CORNHOLE BECAUSE IT IS EXPECTED!
What was that sound? Oh...it was man rape.
Obligatory hackey ending.

 

What a great date! I wonder how I get him to have sex with me since I can't invite him in for coffee...
Clango would find it acceptable to install in you his gigantic industrial high performance composite alloy custom forged and hand rolled double welded iron encased...
Shh....You had me at "high performance".

 

Dude, you've been playing Pacman for like eight straight hours, maybe it's time to take a break...you're starting to look like Stephen Hawking.
Fuck that shit man! Not until I beat Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde!
How's your quest to unify quantum mechanics with Einstein's general theory of relativity, forming a single theory to explain the origin of the universe?
Huh?
Nevermind...good luck beating Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.

 

What can I get you sir?
Yes, I'll have...a number 6 combo with a coke and a fried apple pie.
Okay...that's a double death to America Hickory Burger, a large order of Jihad Fries a Suicide Bomber Size Coke and one Godless Muslim Pie.

 

I have a letter for a Hubert Goldstein.
I've had my name legally changed to Demon Cock Rigor Mortis Afterbirth.
So, you don't want your Highlights Magazine?
Are you kidding me?--Goofus and Gallant are hardcore, Newman.

 

Your penis has gills!
Yeah...well your vagina has wings and a hood.
Besides, do you want it to suffocate in there?

 

Jesus!--why don't you stop showing off?! 'I can walk on water, look at me...I'm the son of God.'
I don't remember you complaining when your party ran out of wine and you had one loaf of bread and a few fish sticks to feed everybody, you ungrateful bastard!
Where are you going, Judas?
I need to talk to my friend Pontius about something.

 

Mama says that life is like a box of chocolates--you never know what you're gonna get.
Yeah, well your mother's a whore. She had you out of wedlock and she fucked your principal...
...probably did Elvis too.

 

You butterfly bastards suck!--with your colorful wings and playful joie de vivre.
No low class sluts ever want to get a likeness of my ugly brown ass tattooed on their ankles.

 

Oh dear sweet merciful Anderson Cooper! I've got to expel shit with such urgency that the walls of my colon are closing in like the intergalctic trash compactor in Star Wars.
Your feces literally smells worse than a warm Wookie's ball sack.
What the hell is a crab doing in the public restroom of Arby's making Star Wars jokes about my feces?
The cast of Jersey Shore had a hankerin' for some "chedda beef sammiches."

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-05-10
Nice Halloween costume, sexy meow meow pussy meow. Hows about you come with me to the alley,and I'll give your Kit Kat a bath.
Bobbing for Whatchamacallits' in my shorts, Joan of Arc!
Every woman dresses like a whore on Halloween, but few have your courage--I salute you with a Fun Dip in your Starburst that will have you screaming Good & Plenty.
Suck my mounds, goober...I'm just here for a Payday from your father.

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-07-10
So...you thought you could get away with shoplifting in MY mini mall?
Bwak!
You think I haven't heard that before? TELL ME WHO YOUR ACCOMPLICES ARE!
So that's how it's gonna be? Jose!--I need gloves, Extra Virgin Olive Oil..Yes, I want the first pressing!--salt, pepper and some Rosemary sprigs. Thyme? Oh...I've got 45 minutes at least...

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-07-10
I'm sure The Great Pumpkin will be around any minute.
Maybe when you're in an empty pumpkin patch at midnight, taking advice from a creepy big headed prematurely bald child with clear O.C.D...it's time to re-examine your life.
What did you say?!
Oh, I'm sorry...let me speak in a language you can understand..."Wah Wah Wah, Wah Wah Wah Wah."

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-12-10
Oh look! A fortune cookie! ..."The greatest gift is love."
...between the sheets!
Great meal, gay cowboy. Let me just crack this cookie open and read this bad boy. "Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you."
...between the sheets!
Mine says..."Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need."
Blow me, slut bag!

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-12-10
I've been questioning the nature of existence lately. I guess I'm doubting if God even exists, ya know? Maybe God IS dead.
God's not dead--he's just gay.
What the hell makes you think that God is gay?
Nature...it's just kind of "faggy".

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-13-10
Why is that farmer wearing that cow suit!?
Wait, it looks like one of his "utters" is actually his...Oh my God!
That calf sure looks hungry.

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-18-10
Ikea always makes me feel like our furniture just isn't minimal enough.
We use milk crates as a coffee table...how much more "minimal" can we get?
The Swedish are taking the whole "stark" thing a little far, don't you think?
Let's look in the bedroom section.
Now THIS is how I want to do the bedroom!
Hmmm...I've gotta say, I don't hate that bed of nails and old ratty piece of cardboard motif.

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-18-10
Hi little squirrel.
Hi Kevin Costner.
Let me ask you, did you think 'Water World' was THAT bad?
Well...film is such a subjective medium and people are always ready to jump on a bandwagon. For example, Dane Cook isn't funny...but nor is he the worst comedian ever.
So, you liked it then?
.......'Field of Dreams' was was pretty good.

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-18-10
I can't believe they're gonna have sex right in front of us like we're not even here!
Are they facing eachother?!
Oh God! These humans must be retarded. I'd better go help.
That's better! Hey Steve...don't let him swat you away, after you're done he can show her how to do it right!

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-18-10
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession.
Tell me your sins, my son.
I have stolen a parmesan cheese shaker from Pizza Hut. I have had impure thoughts about Tony Danza, thirty two times. I have also lied on thirteen occassions. Make that--fourteen occassions.
And are you truly sorry for these crimes against God and your fellow man?
Hey, that's a pretty tame list...it's not like I used to be a Nazi like your boss.
You mean the German guy and not Jesus, right?

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-20-10
Sir, can you tell me what happened?
Yes my good man, I am able, as my cart and horse were parked on the street, while I sold some twine dolls my daughter threaded. I was at yonder corner at the time of the great happening.
A large wheeled monster came roaring out of yonder side street past where those two sinners are now spreading Satan's mischief.
The magical light box shone with the red demon light, but the cart master paid no heed--and many pagans perished on this day, when their hands could have been used for the Lord's toil.
Reporting live, this is Action 7 news.
What time is this going to be on?--I want to Tevo it.

 

by UncleTerwilliger
10-20-10
Bless me Father for I have yadda yadda yadda-ed.
My son, forgive me, but it does not seem as though your heart is in this confession.
Very astute, Father Boyfondler. I've just killed so many people that I don't really feel it's that big of a deal anymore.
You have committed more than one murder? This is most certainly the highest of all God's laws that you have broken. Human life is, after all, precious.
Yeah, well why don't you go hang out at a Souper Salad on a Tuesday around lunch time and tell me if you still feel that way.

 

by UncleTerwilliger
11-19-10
Dear, I don't have any medical coverage since that would be Socialism...I wondered if you could help me with my Scoliosis?
My pleasure.
That'll be $265 since you're a new patient.

 

by UncleTerwilliger
12-07-10
Office lay-offs, huh?
Yeah. Did you have your meeting with the Bobs?
Yeah...I got a raise and a promotion. They've offered to put four guys right underneath me.
That sounds gay...I mean great. Do you know who's getting my job?
Some colored guy.

 

by UncleTerwilliger
12-07-10
This can't be right...I'm going to have to take it the hard way.
Then what happened? Well, in Whoville they say...that the Grinch's flacid penis grew three sizes that day!

 

by UncleTerwilliger
12-28-10
So...you...ARE...female?
Mmmmhhhmmm.
Dammit! I'm the Don Juan of the galaxy...I MUST bed all females we encounter.
Spock, bring me a couple of Tribbles--I'm going to need a fluffer.

 

Is he gonna die soon?
If we've done our job right, Kevin...he'll suffer for several more minutes before the life ebbs out of him and leaves his body a hollow useless husk.
This is the best take your son to work day ever!

 

Who bee that?
That's Jamal...he's cool.
Nah...I heard he bee stupid.
Maybe bees haven't all dissapeared...they've just been watching reruns of The Fresh Prince.

 

I don't think that you can legally give me a ticket for calling you by the name of a well known televison police character.
A) of all, it's not like I called you something disrepectful like "The Commish"...even though the likeness IS uncanny...
...and B) of all, he was the cool cop on Miami Vice! Don Johnson wore all that poo kebob pastel... just to try to copy Tubbs, Tubbs!

 

I can haz cheezeberger?
Aww...that's so cute!--he thinks he's people and he wants a cheese burger!
"Cute" isn't really the word I would use...a "Cheezeberger" is what the Taiwanese shemales down on third street call a dirty rim job.

 

What's the matter?--we've been on five dates now...don't you want me?
Of course I want you, baby. It's just...I need this kind of weird thing to get excited is all.
I've done kinky stuff before, Kevin--you can tell me.
Okay...um...could you chase me through the house screaming that I'm "gross" while you try to hit me with a phone book?
Maybe you should just fuck me in the ass.
That could work too.

 

Sir, is this your cat?
Hmmm? Ummmm....yes?
You paused for a while, sir. Are you sure this is your cat?
Yep, that's him alright--little ...Mengele.
Mengele.---------- You named your little grey tabby kitten...after the Nazi serial killer doctor Josef Mengele?
Serial killer?--I killed thirty people yesterday just waiting in line at Chipotle. --------Does he look more like a Himmler?

 

Oh yeah!...I'd love to dip Jeff in that whore by the salad bar. I've got something creamier than that Thousand Island for YOU, baby.
You named your penis Jeff?
Yeah. Don't you have a nickname for your penis?
Not really.--Well...Worm, I guess.
Why worm?
Around feeding time, I bury my lower half in dirt and...well, chicks dig worms.

 

Stellar show Rexie, old boy. I find your use of the color red to be a jarring Amuse Bouche for the senses. You are as M. Night and Pollock's bastard love child...and I'm hard as a rock.
Thanks.
Not to be indelicate...but how do you paint with your wee little useless arms?
Well, you'll notice that we're standing on a blank canvas...and...well...come closer and I'll tell you...

 

Storing Big J.C. in here is going to keep employee copy room time productive. This should cut down on lollygagging and ball faxing.
This is new...Just look at those rippling abs...
Everybody come quick!--it's a miracle! The Crucifix in the copy room has started crying milky white salty tears!

 

What you got to do fresh meat...is not let this shit get yo' fine trick ass down.
Yo ass may be decayin' and shit...but you know they got to be some sort of sick fuckin' bastards that are just waiting to get all kinds of nasty up in a mother fucker's exposed arm socket.

 

Thank you so much for saving all those school children from that oncoming train, young man.
No problem, dear lady.
I'll bet his cum could cure my Psoriasis.

 

$150 fine, as large carrot Proboscis ...reminds me of my own glaring masculine shortcomings.
by UncleTerwilliger, 2-27-11

 

Oh my God! A ghost!
I mean you no harm.
Wow...h..how did you die...AIDS?
What? No. Why is that always everyone's first guess?
Oh..it's such a horrible disease...and It might be the glitter...

 
Jesus Christ...will someone just get Charlie Sheen some help?!

 

Hidey Ho, neighbor. Did you know, Tim...that the ancient Greeks believed it was perfectly normal for two men to experiment sexually?
Ummm...no I didn't, Wilson.
Did you know that this isn't a knothole in the fence?

 

Are you by any chance, a golden voiced drifter whom I can put on Youtube casting a ridiculous amount of media attention on...
...temporarily allowing the masses to forget about all of our massive problems in this country for a few weeks...
...but then ultimately knocking you off a pedestal that you didn't ask to be on when we find out that you are a human with problems and not a Disney movie---and then completely forgetting about you?
Sure. Do you have a three dollars so I can get a McGriddle?

 

You wanna go out sometime?
I don't think you're my type.
I'm organic.
Ok. But I should warn you...I don't shave and I smell vaguely of cumin and feet.
Excuse me...I think I see my Chiropractor.

 

Damn it! Where the hell is our check? It took 20 minutes just to get a menu--and then your fries were cold when we finally did get our food...
It's okay, honey. Servers have a hard job and..
No. No! Fuck that. I have a hard job too. But even I'M not as good at sneaking around without being seen as THIS bastard.
Just... calm down.
And I'll tell you another thing too...I bet this sort of thing doesn't happen to the WHITE ninjas.

 

Carl...could you take a break for a minute? It's really hot in this angel costume, And another thing...I think we can come up with a better band name than "My Sunday Morning Jacket".
Repressed Christian chicks want to see hot guy abs as much as any other girl. And the band name is perfect.
Well, how about something a little sexier like...oh! Like, "My Cup Overfloweth"?
It sounds like we ejaculate prematurely.
Carl,you Do ejaculate prematurely. You just ejaculated while we were playing "Your rod and staff comfort me" and twice during "Love thy Neighbor as yourself".

 

Here you are, son. I got your cat down. Try to keep him out of the tree--okay, little man?
You DO realize that that's the most pussy you'll be getting all year, don't you?
You DO realize that at the department we have your mother on speed dial under "Emergency services" and that this cat has a better chance of finding out who his dad is than you do?

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »