All comics by ahrange

Profile

 

by ahrange
2-07-03
Oi oi oi!
Dear god, it's the Jewish theory again.
Huh?
You see, everyone secretly wants to be Jewish unless they actually are Jewish and then they don't want to be Jewish.
But I'm punk, not Jewish.
Punk, Jewish, same difference.

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Hi, I'm Amelia, Meredith's sexiest friend. I recently thought of sueing the school for making me read books banned by the Catholic Church.
Until I pointed out that you wouldn't make any money.
During the logging period I spend four hours a day on the computer logging in all the art that gets submitted.
I was to regret those words.
I also think Meredith and Robert need to hook up.
Shut up! It's not going to happen! If you want someone to go out with Robert, go out with him yourself!

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Have you seen Amelia?
Um, Leigh, I have some bad news. Amelia ran off with Robert.
NOOOO!!!!
But you have a boyfriend!
But she's my wife!
Children, stop whining back there!

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
How are we ever going to find them?
*snicker*
What?
Oh yeah, it's going to be really hard to find them, Leigh.
Considering there are so many little '89 blue station wagons driving around.

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Don't worry invisible third character Leigh, Taylor has agreed to help us find Amelia and Robert.
Oh my.
What?! Taylor, what are you doing in your Ambiguously Gay Duo costume? You need your vinyl pants to help us look!
Does it matter?
Dude, that's like Batman going out to fight crime in khakis and a plaid shirt!
Mmm, yes, but they're not going to be back from the cleaners until Friday. Colin and I had a very interesting night last night. I think I'm pregnant again.

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Looking for Amelia
How come Colin didn't help us look?
Maybe he had a project or something to do.
Meanwhile. . .
It's so quiet with Leigh and Meredith gone.
I love it! I hope they never come back! Finally I can read The Glass Menagerie in peace.
Shouldn't you have read that in ninth grade grade, Colin?

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
*reading from script* Look Leigh, a randomly appearing phone that is ringing. Perhaps I should pick it up. Hello?
Meredith, it's Hammad. I found where Amelia is and wrote it on the wall for you.
That's really nice Hammad, but it would have helped more if you hadn't wrote it in Chinese.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
WHY DO YOU LAUGH AT EVERYTHING I SAY?!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Meredith, are we ever going to find them?
I dunno, we've looked a lot of places-wait. . . I know where they are!
Where?
Well, knowing Amelia and knowing Robert and given the limited amount of backgounds, there's only one place they could be. . . the moon.
Or maybe that blue blobbly thing. Or maybe underwater. Or maybe the desert. Or maybe-

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Nope.
Nope.
I should have known
There they are!
Amelia!

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
The plan:
Ok, you talk to Robert and I'll talk to Amelia and we'll try to get them to come back.
Ok.
Amelia! How could you leave me?
It was the hair. Besides, we're still married.
Leigh(thinking): I hope Meredith's carrying out her part of the plan.
*poke*
*poke*

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
That didn't work. You talk to Amelia and I'll talk to Robert.
Ok.
Told you I would steal Amelia away from you.
Oh yeah? Well, you wanna go shopping? You wanna go shopping?
Can we go to Hot Topic?
Sure!

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Leigh? Leigh? I got that rare gun-toting kangaroo you wanted!
I didn't want a kangaroo. I wanted you to talk to Amelia.
Oh yeah. . .
Sorry Hoppy.
It's ok. Can I have a sip of your water?

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Aaaahhhhhhh!!!

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Aaaahhhhhhh!!!

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Yay, we went to Hot Topic.
I have more bags than the time I went Hanukkah shopping and I had about sixteen then.
Aaaahhhhhhh!!!
Oh no, someone was shot! Who was it? Find out in Part XIV!

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
Who was shot? Was it Am-*throttling sounds*
Didn't I tell you never to do that again?!
Anyway, it was Robert.
But before they could react, a black hole appeared and swallowed them up! How utterly convenient and unpredictable!

 

by ahrange
2-09-03
And by pure coincedence, we were all transported right back to where we started. Oh yeah, and Hoppy's pretty happy at his new job at Starbucks.
At last I can be with my beloved wife!
Your elbow is so sexy.
You're sexy, Kelda.
And it ended, and all were glad.
I'm still dead.

 

by ahrange
2-12-03
She was Daner! Daner!
Please stop.
It was Dana but the Long Island teacher never got it right
K commer, L period, K commer, L period-Daner, Daner, you're not doing it right!
Urr. . .
She was Daner! Daner! And she didn't like socialism!
What does that have to do with anything?

 

by ahrange
2-12-03
*jingly* Down on your luck or just hate your crab? Killingtons is for you.
*knocks*
The best murder service in all of Nebraska wants to help you out!
Yes?
Hi, I'm Matt from Killingtons and I was wondering if you'd be interested in using our service anytime soon.
We've been offing people and making bad jokes since 1934!
What's Killingtons?
It's like an escort service but we kill you with sharp weapons, not STDs.

 

by ahrange
2-12-03
Call 1-800-IMURDER
So let me get this straight: people call your company requesting someone to come out and either kill them or someone else?
Not only that, we also leave a mint on your pillow.
Your first call comes free of charge*
*That is, unless you're alive to make a second call. Then the rate is $49.95 per second.
What the hell is wrong with you Jehovah's Witnesses?!

 

by ahrange
2-13-03
At Starbucks
I decided today that I hate my job and I'm going to make everyone suffer for it.
Uh, yeah, can I have a small mocha latte?
I'm sorry but we now only carry large and extra-large cups.
But the sign says small, medium, and large-
Sir, if you don't be quiet, I will be forced to empty your sixteen ounces of pure boiling hot caffeine goodness into your lap.
Eep.

 

by ahrange
2-13-03
Welcome to Starbucks, home of the mass coffee orgies.
Can I have a biscotti?
A biscotti? Ma'am, do you understand the work and the time and the effort put into making even just one biscotti? And you want to eat it?
Um. . .
Exactly! And until I find someone worthy of the biscotti, none shall touch! My gun Marxy and I declare it so!

 

by ahrange
2-13-03
And. . .here's your creamer.
Whoa! You keep the creamers in your pouch!
Man, if he keeps the creamers in his pouch, I'd hate to know where he keeps the sugar! HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
Oh god! I just got shot in the trachea with a sugar packet! Oh the pain! The absolute pain!

 

by ahrange
2-13-03
Hi kids, I'm Taylor G. and I used to be a stapleholic.
Sure, you think it's all fun and games at first, a little tape here, a few paperclips at a party, no big deal right? Wrong! Stationary accesories are an addiction and a serious one at that!
*sob* I was a stapler addict by the time I was twelve!

 

by ahrange
2-13-03
"It all started back in sixth grade. . ."
Hey man, want some tape? It's like rubber bands but better.
Well golly Jim, I've never tried stationary accesories before but what the heck.
Whoa. . .the colors . . .ha ha ha
Hee hee hee. . . your shirt has a face. . . and so do you! Hee hee hee
But that was only the beginning! Soon I grew tired of gateway drugs like tape and binder clips. Harder drugs began to follow: first duct tape, and then, staplers.

 

by ahrange
2-13-03
Staplers took over my life. At first I was doing staplers, or "S" as we used to call it, once a week, then twice a week, then every other day, then every day.
Soon I was robbing Office Max just to get my fix and throwing wild parties every night. S was a madness, a madness I tell you!
*choked up* I lost the woman I loved due to S. And then all the other men and women I loved.

 

by ahrange
2-14-03
Sure you think it's great, the partying, the drugs, the wild uninhibited sex.
But one day you'll wake up with a major hangover and see all the empty staple boxes on the floor and think "Hey, maybe I do have a problem."
Nahhh.

 

by ahrange
2-14-03
So what I'm trying to say here kids is don't make the same mistakes I did.
Every day I regret becoming a stapler addict.
That is, when I'm not stoned. Like right now.

 

by ahrange
2-17-03
Dude, what's so great about Socialism?
Capitalism rulz!
I'll show you, you illiterate son-of-a-free-market-bitch! I'll pump your classist ass full of 100% Socialist lead!
Ahhhhhhhh!!!

 

by ahrange
2-17-03
Dude, what's so great about Socialism?
Everybody knows Communism rules, you jerk-off!
I'll teach you to use 80s slang, you perverted ripoff of Socialism! You'll know what it feels like to have no class and no ass once I have Marxy plug it full of lead!
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!

 

by ahrange
2-18-03
I remember when Killingtons started back in 1934. It did really well back then, what with it being the Depression and all. Roosevelt had his New Deal but times were hard.
You were lucky if you got one ear of corn a day, corn being five cents at the time. And where the devil were you going to find five cents in all of Nebrasky?
Yup, them Killingtons folks got rich. Why, I used to call them on my neighbors all the time. "His name's Fergus," I'd say, "13 Cardboard Box." Cost every cent of my bootleg liquor, but it was worth it

 

by ahrange
2-18-03
I am so fat! Oh magically-appearing-wish-granting-random-snowman, please help me!
What is your wish?
I wish I could lose weight! I wish the pounds would fall right off me!
No problem.
AOL Greetings, Medieval Style: Hello, you've got leprosy.

 

by ahrange
2-18-03
Wow, wouldn't it be great if I found a genie or something that would grant me wishes?
Well, you're in luck today, kid!
Huh?
I'm one of the rare wishing benches, and I'll grant you one wish. C'mon, you can wish for anything you want.
I wish I was sitting on a more comfortable bench.

 

by ahrange
2-19-03
The Grinch was in prison. The Grinch was in jail. And from his cell came a mighty wail:
All I ever wished for was some roast beast. You would think I could have a meal without any fuss in the least.
But PETA came with a bam and a zing, and before I knew it, I was in Sing Sing. Hey kids, learn from the teacher; when you're hungry, don't eat endangered creatures.

 

by ahrange
2-19-03
I need you like an electric fence.

 

by ahrange
2-20-03
*spooky mystical chicken voice* Jesus, I am the magically levitating stool chicken! I will grant you three wishes. . . because I can.
Cool.
I wish then that I wasn't nailed up to this stupid cross anymore.
Loompa oompa!
I should have known. Ow.

 

by ahrange
2-20-03
That was one wish. You have two more left.
Ok then, I want a ho. A Jewish ho. No, you know what? I wish for the best Jewish ho that ever lived!
Loompa oompa!
That wasn't exactly what I meant.
Oy bubeleh, I'm going to spice you up like you've never seen. And you better pay, you shmuck!

 

by ahrange
2-20-03
One more wish.
You stupid chicken! You've ruined my last two wishes! Damn your taking things literally!
Loompa oompa!
I wish. . . for a BLT. Let's see you screw that up!
Jesus, bacon's not kosher! I don't care if you're Mr.-Start-My-Own-Religion, in this house, we don't eat pork! And another thing, when are you going to bring home a nice girl to give me grandchildren?
Myself, my mom's always on my case.

 

by ahrange
2-22-03
I just don't understand.
What?
The Iraq situation-I mean, only a small minority of the people are protesting. Why? How can the American people just go along with this and never even question it?
If you haven't noticed, Americans are um, how should I put it . . . stupid.
I mean, c'mon, they spell cheese K-R-A-F-T. It kinda indicates that they can be brainwashed easily.

 

by ahrange
3-01-03
Yeah?
Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?
Sure I'll buy a box or two.
If you join the Jehovah's Witnesses right now, you get a box of Thin Mints free.
Hmm, I don't really want to join the Jehovah's Witnesses but how can I turn down free cookies?

 

by ahrange
3-01-03
Fortune cookie. . . I wonder what this one will say.
Fortune: In god we trust; all others must pay cash.
I swear I don't make these up.
Ok, the last one was depressing. This one's just disturbing.

 

by ahrange
3-13-03
Your humble narrator apologizes for the stereotype but this was the only character who looked remotely French.
What the hell is wrong with Americans? They're mad at us so they're renaming everything French with "freedom"? Jesus.
Yeah it sucks.
I'll show them! Come on, name me something that starts with American.
Um. . . let's see, there's American cheese.
You ready to order?
Yeah, I'll have a cheeseburger with "idiot cheese."

 

by ahrange
3-17-03
The Hood wants alcohol.
The Hood has alcohol.

 

by ahrange
3-17-03
Every night young donkeys nationwide are terrorizing the streets of the cities.
It doesn't have to be this way. These donkeys need you to recycle your beer bottles and send the money to the National Donkey Association so that they too can have a place to go.
So please, the next time you're thinking of staying sober, remember the donkeys who need that playground your beer bottle money will help pay for. You'd get trashed for the donkeys, wouldn't you?

 

by ahrange
3-17-03

 

by ahrange
3-18-03
Killing cops and reading Kerouac

 

by ahrange
3-18-03
One day Gregor Samsa woke up to discover he'd become a giant insect.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh wait, that's me. Aah! Aah! Aah!
The next week however Gregor Samsa woke to discover he had become a clown.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Dear god will it never end? Aah! Aah! Aah!
Moral of the story: Don't write while you're drunk.
Ha ha ha! With my drunken ramblings I'll torture high school students for years!

 

by ahrange
3-18-03
Oh look, my mother died yesterday and everyone got really mad cause I smoked by her coffin but I don't care.
Oh look, I just killed an Arab for no apparent reason but the sun but I don't care.
I am a victim.
Oh look, now I'm in jail waiting to be executed but I don't care.
Existentialism is such a drag.

 

by ahrange
3-18-03
Leaking gas tank
Smoking dinosaur
Extinction

 

by ahrange
3-18-03
Hello, and welcome to a very special comic. Today we are celebrating my 100th comic strip.
What a time it's been.
We've met new characters and lost them. We've laughed, oh how we've laughed.
And here's The Hood to put in a final word.
The Hood says. . . The Hood says. . . The Hood is great. Thank you.
END!

Showing page 2.

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