All comics by boorite

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by boorite
3-28-01
Want a cup of coffee?
Hmmmm. Let me think about it.
How about a bagel?
Hmmmm. Let me think about it.
Why do you have to think about everything?
BECAUSE IT'S ALL I CAN DO WITH THIS GODDAMN POSE!

 

by boorite
3-28-01
Not shown: Pointless Buzz Lightyear action sequence.
Mom, I broke my Woody!
Shit! Andy's going to Cowboy Camp without me. I'll probably sit on this shelf and rot like this useless penguin. Oops, sorry, penguin.
Woody is stolen by that fat bastard from Seinfeld. While Woody's friends undertake a comical quest to save him...
Newman!
I'm a cowgirl. Howdy, howdy, howdy. Now I shall burst into song.
Sadly, I could not keep watching.
Tra-la-la...
Excuse me. BLEEEAAAAARGH!

 

by boorite
3-28-01
I had a dream. I had an awesome dream.
Not me. I dreamed I went to work in my underwear and had to meet the Governor of Maryland. What was yours about?
People in the park playing games in the dark. And what they played was a masquerade!
Awesome? Sounds like a crock of shit. Are you on drugs?
This is just like my dream! From behind the walls of doubt, a voice was crying out--
Fuck you. Suck me.

 

by boorite
3-28-01
We won a grant to promote interest in East Asian history and culture.
Easy job! Who wouldn't be interested in such a vast and varied land, cradle of the world's most venerable civilizations?
They're not responding. Do something.
1000S OF FREE BUKAKKE PIX!!! CLICK HERE FOR CUM-GUZZLING SCHOOLGIRL SLUTS!!! HENTAI ANIME RAPE TORTURE PORN!!!

 

by boorite
3-28-01
What's this powdery crap I'm stepping in?
Hi there, Fab!
Fab? Why are you calling me that?
Oh, Fab! I'm glad! There's lemon-freshened borax in you!
AAACK!!

 

by boorite
3-29-01
Howzabout we round up the spouses and take in a movie?
HOWZABOUT I PUNK YOU IN THE ASS WHILE YOUR WIFE WATCHES?
Hmmmm...
I'd prefer the movie.
It never hurts to ask.

 

by boorite
3-29-01
Now to Z-98 Action Traffic. What's causing that tie-up on Route 4, Tim?
Well, Bob, some asshole ran over a goat.
Ha ha ha. Really?
Just kidding. Turns out a rented truck was hauling a load of undocumented Chinese nuns when it overturned, crushing a Volkwagen full of clowns.
BWAH-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA! *koff koff* Ha ha ha. Whew. Funny.
Actually, Bob, that one was true.

 

by boorite
3-29-01
YOUR GAY!!!!
I found your dissertation on vacuum aspiration of fleshy protruberances most illuminating.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
I'll bet you do, Dr. Hoover.

 

by boorite
3-29-01
Members of Lowpass, I intend to show that my client is not a donkey, as stated in the menu, but a cow. True, its anatomy is indeterminate, but one thing is certain: Donkeys don't have droopy ears.
Second, "purple cow" resonates with meaning: It is a grape juice & ice cream float. "Purple donkey" is just nonsense, unfit for an artistic vocabulary. We demand that the wording be changed.
The defense calls the plaintiff. Ms. Ungulate, what sound does a jackass make?
EEE-AW! EE-AW!
Objection! Counsel is putting noises in my client's mouth!

 

by boorite
3-29-01
Dear Emeril: We at Boorite, Inc. thought you might spice up your show with these variations on your slogan, "We're gonna kick it up a notch. BAM!"
Now we're gonna blow it out my ass! SPOOT!
We're gonna tie it up and make it watch! BIZZATCH!
We're gonna nuke this fucker! SHAZAM!
We're gonna throw this at the wall and see if it sticks! OH GOD!
Take THIS, you inedible pile of excrement! WACKA WACKA!
Let's ruin this! FUCK!

 

by boorite
3-29-01
Criticized for elitism, Gordon Elliot takes his "Doorknock Dinners" to a Colombian barrio.
Would your mommy let us film a trained chef making a great meal from whatever's in your fridge?
We have no food. We have no refrigerator. We have no mommy. The army man said she was a Communist.
Drag, that.
We have not eaten for three days. Please help us.
That's not how the show works, kiddo.
Wait. We could make "mound of coca leaves lightly tossed in herbicide vinaigrette."

 

by boorite
3-30-01
Have you noticed none of the characters here have really big tits?
Big tits. Big tits. The more you say "big tits," the more meaningless "big tits" sounds.
Top of my wish list: Big tits. One of the ten best big tits of the year. Do I smell big tits?
Duties: Facilitate big tits and develop big tits applications in a multi-big-tits environment.
Somebody set up us the big tits. Federal funding for big-tits-based organizations. Carlos Franco shot a 6-under-par 64 on Thursday to take the first-round lead in the Big Tits Open.
The big tits that can be biggie-sized are not the true big tits.

 

by boorite
3-30-01
Hi, Naomi! Can we still be friends, now that my development is outpacing yours, to the extent that I possess embarrassingly huge tits, while yours are flatter than Formica?
Bitch! I have TITS that have bigger tits than you!
I'm going to need to ponder that one for a minute.
Sorry. I'm new at this.

 

by boorite
3-30-01
Nurse Mary! Are you hurt? You look like you're hoovering up a bucketful of live eels!
Sob! Oh, Doctor. My injuries are all in my heart-- the kind you suffer in a heated domestic argument.
Tell ya what. Patient in Room 4 has a hundred pounds of brick-like shit jammed up his ass. Giving him an enema will ease your mind.
Not to mention his bowels. Chuckle. Sniff. Thanks, Doc!
Hello, are we ready for our-- GASP! It's YOU!
How are you, Mary?

 

by boorite
3-30-01
Greetings, Delta passengers. We're having a spot of trouble, so we'll be landing a little early...
You up there! I'll bet you're scab replacement pilots! Aren't you?
Um... actually, we're hot dog vendors from the airport food court.
God damn it! I knew it!
Buddy, that's the last time I'm voting Republi-- AAAAGH!
Yep.

 

by boorite
3-31-01
Bachelor #2: If you could be any part of an automobile, what part would you be and why?
I'd have to say shock tower bushings, because my function is to pump you brimfull of steaming jism.
Ho-kay.... I've just had 13 jell-o shots followed up with 4 Olde English 800 40-oz.ers, and am totally shit-faced. What are you thinking right now?
Damn, bitch, leave some for me.
If we were making "whoopie", what kind of sounds would you make?
Vootie vootie! SHAZAM! Holy moley!

 

by boorite
3-31-01
'Samatta, Gabe?
Last night's dinner has my intestines a-writhin'.
Well, I'll be cornholed! What'd you have?
I made chicken gumbo. Ye gods, I'm like a Vesuvius of diarrhea.
Excuse me if I lack sympathy.
Oogh. I think I forgot to wash my hands after touching the raw carcass. Goddamn chickens are plague vermin, yo.

 

by boorite
3-31-01
I'm the closest thing around here to a terrapin.
And I'm not blue, but I am a devil.
Shall we wait for Dick Vitale, then?
No, that prick gets on my nerves quite badly. Let's just get started.
I'MA DUNK ON YO ASS BIATCH!
BOOSHEE! CAIN'T GUARD ME, FOO!

 

by boorite
3-31-01
What a day! The water was calm as glass.
Yes, but I think we're in for rough sex tonight.
What you say!
I said I think we're in for rough seas tonight.
Oh. Yes, that's what it calls for in the felchcast.
What you say!

 

by boorite
3-31-01
So this here's cowboy heaven.
Yup.
It sucks shit.
Yup.

 

by boorite
3-31-01
A few days in the future...
Geez, bottlerocket's strips have sure gone downhill lately.
It's as if he's lost all feel for the visual medium, to say nothing of "all your base" references.
Back at bottlerocket's dad's...
UUUURRRP!

 

by boorite
3-31-01
A few days in the future...
Geez, bottlerocket's strips have sure gone downhill lately.
It's as if he's lost all feel for the visual medium, to say nothing of "all your base" references.
Back at bottlerocket's dad's...
UUUURRRP!

 

by boorite
4-02-01
Boorite bumps into the ex-wife
Has it really been five years?
Yep. I still dream about you all the time.
So I guess you never got over me.
I also dream about my 1974 Plymouth Valiant.
Wow, that must have been some car.
It was a piece of shit.

 

by boorite
4-02-01
ph33r!!!
Shaddap, kid, before I go upside your skull with this fifth of Old Crow.
ph33r!!!
Dangit, when I was your age, I was throwing bricks through store windows and raiding my brother's stash of red bud and tittie mags.
eye cr4sh u!!! u r 0VVned!!!
F'chrissakes, it's a P-90.

 

by boorite
4-02-01
ph33r my 1337 g33r & h4x0r w4rezzz!!!
Kid, when I was your age, we h4x0r'd with 1 Mhz CPUs, 64k of RAM, and 300 baud modems that plugged into the joystick port.
WTF?
We used our TVs for monitors and saved our w4rez to tape. But we h4x0r'd like m0f0zzz!!!!
Save it for Ken Burns, Grampa.
What you say!!!

 

by boorite
4-02-01
This contest, unlike previous ones, shall edify the mind and lift the spirit. Required elements include:
1. At least one background depicting a beautiful natural setting, which you must name. For example: Here we are in Fresh Kills Landfill.
2. At least one appearance of one of God's majestic creatures. Like me, the majestic whatever the fuck I am.
3. At least one reference (not necessarily visual) to a figure from non-Judaeo-Christian mythology. Like me, Quetzlcoatl.
Dang, that IS edifying. Oh, one last requirement:
4. The phrase, "your mother likes it that way," or similar.

 

by boorite
4-02-01
The Late etc. Show
Mary, now that we know you're not blowing a squid, what happened after Bob Jr morphed into a huge S&M penguin?
That sick bastard had me put on a killer robot disguise and play out his rape fantasies. It was the only thing that would keep him sober!
RAAARRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
EEEEEK! My lash hardly scratches the brute!
AIIIEEEE! He intends to core sample me with his mighty hydraulics!
RAAARRR... uh, Bob? This isn't really working for me. You see, I've been keeping something from you...

 

by boorite
4-02-01
From the top: Tell us about your management experience.
As I said, I integrated third-generation scenarios demonstrating functional monitored contingencies.
One more buzzword, and I'll give you cabfare home. But first, I'll flense you and douse you with lemon juice.
Optimized hu--
Taxi!

 

by boorite
4-02-01
Mr. President, what about your campaign pledge to reduce CO2 emissions?
I was led to believe it meant fartin'. I am still for reduced fartin'.
What about the 1992 UN treaty on climate change?
Congress was led to believe it was signing an extended warranty on a Sears lawn tractor.
What about restoring honor to the White House?
I was all fucked up on cough syrup, so just never mind.

 

by boorite
4-02-01
So, Gabe, how do you feel about the ethics of engineering animals to grow human organs?
Aroused. Very aroused.
Uh... excuse me?
Dude, do I have to say it?
I'm still not getting it.
Oh, you will, you hunka hunka burnin' ungulate.

 

by boorite
4-03-01
How do you feel about the ethics of cloning the same joke over and over until it is meaningless?
Aroused. Very aroused.
What is aroused?
I do not know, being prepubescent myself.

 

by boorite
4-03-01
How are you gentlemen? I am sure you will find me asset to your company!
You seem familiar. Have we met?
All my references are belong in federal prison. This only begins to list their crimes! Everything I say is easily proveable in the United States supreme court.
Really? How?
With True Justice.
DAMN, you sound familiar.

 

by boorite
4-03-01
Mom, can I have ten bucks for Gabe Billings?
Gay billings? Who's billing you?
It's on the web. It's to help kids with diabetes.
With Diomedes? The legendary GREEK warrior? I don't THINK so!
You're confusing me...
No more internet for you, young man!

 

by boorite
4-04-01
Goddamn Shriners! I'm gonna blow their tassled fezzes straight to Hell! Where are those matches...?
Maybe in this pocket? No, nothing but Prozac. But I swore I stole a matchbook from the Vishnu Rodeo Ba-- HOLY SHIT!
FOMM!

 

by boorite
4-04-01
Would you like Windows to remember this password for you?
Sure! That's eight less characters I'll have to type.
Would you like Windows to register you as a convicted sex offender?
Well, I'm not, but... what the hey! Go ahead!
Would you like Windows to ass-ram your life totally?
Where do I click?

 

by boorite
4-05-01
Call me Ishmael. So do you have a nickname for this huge, white, spouting SPERM whale of yours?
Arr, I been rackin' me nut over that one fer some time. I need somethin' that brings to mind a Bob Dole-autographed econo-sized bottle o' Viagra.
Somethin' like Hulkin' Shaft, Capacious Member, Hefty Pecker, Colossal Schlong, Massive Package, Prodigious Willie, Whoppin' Johnson, Monstrous Wang, Mammoth Tool, or Big Mr. Winkie.
I like Moby Dick.
Then grab yer ankles, me hardy. I'm fixin' ta mount the poop deck.

 

by boorite
4-06-01
In Joyce, a predominant concept is textual narrativity. The primary theme of Geoffrey's essay on the precultural paradigm of narrative is the common ground between art and sexual identity.
However, Bataille's critique of subdeconstructive theory holds that sexuality is responsible for colonialist perceptions of class, given that narrativity is distinct from culture. Questions?
Yes. Can I take a crap on your bald spot?

 

by boorite
4-06-01
I know what you did last summer.
I still know what you did last summer.
I know what you did for several summers running, and it involved Sumo wrestlers, live chinchillas, and a tub of Crisco.
I forgot what you did last summer because I'm crocked on potato vodka, but I have it written down somewhere.
Your sister blew me and it wasn't bad last summer.
Shove it up your ass next summer.

 

by boorite
4-09-01
Leçon 1. Un voyage au zoo. Répétez. S'il vous plaît felchez le babouin, celui avec l'âne rouge.
See voo play-- wait a damn minute. Fel-chay? Are you telling me to "felch the red-assed baboon?"
Oui. Commençons. I mean-- mais non! C'est un peek-oop line pour les HOT BABES.
Awesome! Paris, here I come!
Felchay-voo la baboon avec lane rouge?
Sa prononciation est horrible!

 

by boorite
4-09-01
Tonight on 'It's the Mind', we examine the phenomenon of deja vu. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened.
That's strange.
Anyway, tonight on 'It's the Mind', we examine the phenomenon of deja vu. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already...

 

by boorite
4-09-01
My favorite treat is an Uncle Tim's Massive Chocolate Chunk Bar.
If it's anything like MY Uncle Tim's massive chocolate chunk bars, then it's chock-full of peanuts.
And it floats.
I'm never telling you anything again.

 

by boorite
4-09-01
What's that you're holding, you shit-kicking ape?
Now, Bolero, did we bioengineer you to talk like that?
GRAAAWK. BRACKLE.
That's more like it. We got a long ride ahead of us.
"We?" You got a turd in your pocket?
Y'know, Bolero, I hear giant emu's got good eatin' on 'em.

 

by boorite
4-09-01

 

by boorite
4-10-01
Hey, don't think we haven't noticed you ogling girls in the quad all day, you desperate, gin-soaked, middle-aged derelict.
Derelict? No, I'm faculty.
Well, since I got 4 out of 5 right, can I have partial credit?
What? Sorry, I was busy ogling your tits.

 

by boorite
4-10-01
Professor Boorite, I was thinking of taking some more Honors classes.
If there's one thing I've learned about my Honors girls, it's this....
Summa cum loudly! HAW!
What's in that bottle, shoe polish?
Nah, this shit dissolves leather on contact.

 

by boorite
4-10-01
I have a database of every Marvel comic ever printed.
I'm a Linux guru.
They say the good ones are all married or gay. I'm BOTH!

 

by boorite
4-10-01
I have a database of every Marvel comic ever printed.
I'm a Linux guru.
They say the good ones are all married or gay. I'm BOTH!

 

by boorite
4-10-01
YEEEEHAAA!
YEEEEHAAA!
DEATH RIDES A LARGE, FLIGHTLESS BIRD!

 

by boorite
4-11-01
Even the goats will jump on a slanted tree.
Kill the chicken to frighten the monkey.
Do not try to cook the goat's young in the goat's milk.
The weasel comes to say "Happy New Year!" to the chickens.
Say, what do all these nutty proverbs mean?
Beats me, but you can search thousands of 'em at http://libpc22.lib.umbc.edu/proverbs.php3

 

by boorite
4-11-01
Hey up there! Get this line a-movin'!
Yeah, no crowd ever waited at the gates of patience.
The secret of patience is doing something else in the meantime.
Oh boy, I'm next!
And he who gives when he is asked has waited too long.
And all lay loads on a willing horse.

Showing page 2.

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