All comics by travisweird

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by travisweird
3-16-05
Standing on the corner dressed as a shark for the Halloween store...
Ah-ah-ah-are yuh-yuh-you a ruh-ruh-ruh-real shu-shu-shu-are you a real shu-shu-shuuuuu-are you a real shu-shark?
Nuh-nuh-nuh-no, are you really that retarded or are you doing that for attention, kid?
The car crash and being told to say goodbye to Grandma when she's clearly already dead...
You crashed into a paralegal! Man would I hate to be you right now.
So.... Grandma....hows it going? That's cool. Yeah, I've just been drivin' around a lot. Yep. Nice weather though. Right? Hey look at the time...
As a child when my Dad was so drunk he threw a hatchet into the wall, or my mom wanted to leave me in a Lake Tahoe motel, or when they were both so wasted they put on each other's clothes.
Look Travis, I'm your father! I'm lousy in bed and I never loved me!

 

by travisweird
3-16-05
In light of the Michael Jackon scandal, Tim Burton's Willy Wonka, a story about a pale eccentric millionaire that gives candy to kids, has been severely changed from Roald Dahl's orginal story.
In National and World News, another 20 dead in Iraq today, 30 in Detroit.
Tim Burton presents... Dangerous Dave And The Adult Novelty Factory
Hey ladies, this entire room is made out of lubricants! So feel free to rub against anything you want!
Condom trees and a river of KY! It's a skanky whore's dream come true!
When we get out of here, we could strike gold marketing your Jesus Juice!
And we can hire one of those Welch's Grape Juice kids for the commercials!

 

by travisweird
3-17-05
OH CRUEL WORLD. I CAN'T HANG MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE NO NECK, AND I CAN'T SHOOT MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE NO TRIGGER FINGER.
OH THANK THE LORD, IT'S THE HOMICIDAL KANGAROO! CAN YA' SPARE A BULLET MATE?
Sorry, I've only got one bullet and I'm saving it for my husband, The Polygamous Sonuvabitch.
You know, penguins aren't bipolar.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING DAVE! NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC IS GOING TO HAVE A FIELD DAY WHEN THEY SEE THAT! EDITOR'S NOTE- TO WONG FOO, THANKS FOR THE HERRING! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FISH STICK, CHILLY WILLY?

 

by travisweird
3-18-05
Hello everyone, and a happy Patty's Day to you. I'm Max... VICE President of The Horror Club... because you sons of bitches elected Kyle as the new president.
Hi I'm Kyle, and for those of you wondering yes, it's true, nine inches. Tonight we're watching the most recent Leprechaun movie, Leprechaun: Horrifyingly Bad Premise For A Movie #7
In the year 2013... long after nuclear warfare has wiped out the human race in World War III... nothing remains... nothing except for cockroaches... AND LEPRECHAUNS!!!
Ah, ya' pesky critters are after me pot of gold eh!! Stop crawling around so I can squash the lot of ya'!
OH GOD! SOMEBODY MURDERED KYLE!!!
This is tragic. However, to the killer I would like to say nice work with the hatchet, it is not unlike the classic foriegn film Des Zombis De Blonde 6: Révolution De Necrophilia

 

by travisweird
3-19-05
One shredded beef crispy taco, one shredded beef and cheese burrito, that comes to six dollars and sixty-six cents.
I love you. We'll get married, buy a modern house on the coast of Oregon, have kids, Johnny if it's a boy, Crystal if it's a girl.
Your change comes to three dollars and thirty-four cents. Thank you, have a nice day.
You can paint, I'll take photographs, we'll tour Europe and make love in a fountain. You'll call me... Nibbles.
Sorry there's no hot sauce, we're out.
YOU FUCKING WHORE! Give me a cup of guacamole then. ...To mend my broken heart! And a fruitito.

 

by travisweird
3-20-05
I'm sorry kid, I... I LOST ALL THE EGGS!
Yay! Now we get to find them!
No... I bet the tooth fairy that she couldn't... well you don't want to hear that part. They're all gone. I'm sorry, kid. Easter is cancelled.
This is the worst holiday ever!!
AAAAHHHH!!!!
Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy....BRAAAAIIINS!!!!

 

by travisweird
3-22-05
HUMMMMMMMM...
Jesus Christ I can't believe they acquitted Robert Blake!
Oh shit American Idol is on tonight and I told my mother I'd come over for dinner.
HUMMMMMMMM...
Inner silence...inner silence...........We're an american band...we're an american band...something something...we'll help you party down...oh my God he's got tp stuck on his foot! Should I tell him?
I wonder what I'd look like as a girl. With long braids of blonde hair. Or would I make a better redhead? I wish I was Angelina Jolie, then my lips would be so big I could just make out with myself!

 

by travisweird
3-23-05
Come on guys, give me a break with the probing. I've been walkin' funny ever since our last encounter and the guys at the pool hall are starting to talk!
Are you the human redneck that has been trying to mate with cows? Because we think cowmen are an excellent idea, we could cut down on half of our abductions.
I loved a cow once. I can't eat steak anymore without thinking about... Penelope.
You're going to like this week's experiment, you are to mate with Earth star Naomi Watts.
YEEHA!!! GET 'ER DONE!!!
Haha! No, we're gonna' stick another long metal rod up your ass.

 

by travisweird
3-24-05
At last there's a cat food good enough for your fat, wealthy, Republican cat, Fancy Feast Gold.
Quick! Bring me my din din on a silver plate this moment, I'm going napping with Didi and Francesco this afternoon and I musn't be late!
Right away Monsieur Mittens.
Oh dear someone let one of those common cats in the house! Police! Police! Take whatever you want alley cat just don't scratch me!
Meow.
I'm so sorry the servants let that cat in the house Mittens, I've had them all sprayed with water.
Good! We're not running a house of welfare!

 

by travisweird
3-25-05
Are you Marty Fortier, the sonuvabitch that wrote an article spoofing the Terri Schiavo case saying the Easter Bunny is fighting for his life?
Teedly hee! You should see the brilliant satire I'm working on right now, a silly leprechaun brings an uzi to school! And if you have a problem with it, you should take that up with my boss!
Hagadone, there's boring headlines, horrible comics, a whole Christian section, long editorials complaining about JC Superstar, too many car ads, and a picture of Ian!! Your newspaper sucks!!!
Watch your tongue boy! Or I'll buy and sell the property you live on to Japanese businessmen!
Meanwhile in Florida, the Easter Bunny's condition remains in critical condition...
What's....... KAHHHHHH.... up...... KAHHHHHHHHH... doc?
You gonna' die!

 

by travisweird
3-26-05
Sigh. I can't believe Bob is gay. It's one thing being a triceratops in such a prejudiced society, but a gay triceratops! I guess it goes to show you never can tell.
Yes, that boy is gayer than a Village People groupie! Hohoho!
Christians believe homosexuality is a sin. Afterall if this gay dinosaur trend keeps continuing we're all gonna' go extinct!
Don't knock it 'till you try it! Just imagine I'm a cute little hadrosaur and ignore the giant tail.
We now believe this is why the dinosaurs went extinct sixty-five million years ago.
Now tell them why evolution is bogus.

 

by travisweird
3-27-05
While stopping at Hastings, Travis fakes a narcalepsy attack to get out of awkward chit chat with a nice acquaintance from high school...
Yeah I've seen them a couple of times, they're in Seattle, along with Tory and Joey, going to college, are you..... zzzzzzzzz...
I think he's faking it. He's still holding on to his copies of Hellraiser 8 and Miss Cunulingus 2.
Sir, you can't rent Miss Cunulingus 2 until you return The Philadelphia Story.
I can't get off to Katharine Hepburn!!
You haven't switched from liquor to dope by any chance, have you Dexter?
That's right... smack Cary Grant around!

 

by travisweird
3-28-05
Wrap your mind around this one man, which came first, peeps or Easter eggs? Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
Don't eat me, I'm lost!
Mom always loved you more.

 

by travisweird
3-28-05
Where's Fifi, did she die in the earthquake?
No, she died in the tsunami, remember?
Maybe we should move...
And leave my job at the Nike factory? Yeah right!
Oh shit, here comes another one! Grab on to my malnutritioned arm!
Fuck it! Let's just ride the wave until we get to China!

 

by travisweird
3-31-05
After the United States causes a nuclear holocaust in WWIII, Travis becomes one of the last survivors in a post-apocalyptic world...
Hans?! This is officially an existential nightmare.
I was thinking, now I can dress like Spiderman like I always wanted to, and no one can make fun of me!
Mom!?!
Travis, there you are! You need to take out the trash!
Yeah, well, you have to mate with Hans to save the human race!
Damn mutant cockroaches, always staring at you until you feed them.

 

by travisweird
4-04-05
April 2nd, Bush declares National Cowboy Day.
Sorry Dusty, I didn't get you anything.
That's okay. I'll just go in the barn and be by myself for a while. ...It's not like you got me anything for Easter either ya' cheap bastard!
April 3rd, a nuclear holocaust wipes out most of the human race.
Damn mutant cockroaches always stare at you until you feed them.
April 4th, the comic strip artist kills himself.
I wasn't expecting much of a punchline anyways.

 

by travisweird
4-05-05
If he can't find any weapons of mass destruction, he sure as hell can't find the G-spot.
Most guys find the gap in the teeth to be a turn-on, it helps fellatio.
Last night when Mr. Big pulled out his Washington Monument, I noticed for the first time that it leans to the left, like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Last night I got Collin Powell really drunk, and we did some things that would make Abu Grabe ashamed!
In a way, I'm almost disappointed Kerry didn't get elected. The Democrats say he's hung like a horse!
God, I can't believe I fucked Kucinich.

 

by travisweird
4-06-05
This is a sexual recreation item so it can't be returned and I'll need to test it first.
Everyone in line please be patient, there seems to be a missing part or something, it's not sucking... see, feel that, nothing. Let me check with the manager.
Yeah, this doesn't come with the sucky.. thing.. you need to pick a different one.
See this one has all the right parts... if you're gay. Did you mean to pick out the gay one? I mean it's fine if you did, but you may have accidentally picked it because of all the pretty colors.
Will that be all?
No, can I have my dignity back?

 

by travisweird
4-06-05
Driving home a drunken mother...
So me and Jewels played this game, it's like, who would you rather do, and she says you have to do a guy that speaks a foreign language, and she says... "French or Australian?" Isn't that classic?!
That's great Mom, I don't want to hear it.
What's this? "Step 1, insert your penis into the tube and seat the tube against your body. Lubrication of the penis may also promote increased excitement due to friction, in case of blistering...
Oh God...
Looks like your father left a receipt for a penis pump in your car. Next time you see him tell him instead of worrying about size, he should stop screaming Oh Brad during sex.

 

by travisweird
4-07-05
Bob, I don't think this is going to work. We have nothing in common.
Hey, fuck it, you're not my type anyways. I usually go for more athletic... muscular... well normally I date men.
Later that day on an ill-fated flight to Switzerland...
Oh God! I should have nailed that nun you sent me while I had the chance!
I bet those lucky bastards in first class get air bags.
Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean...
So I says- Listen Sister! Either show me what's under that cloth or go running back to your carpenter!
Yeah I ate a nun once, they're tough broads.

 

by travisweird
4-07-05
And now over to the Q6 weather girl... ANGELIQUE FRAME...
Hi, I'm... ANGELIQUE FRAME... tonight is going to be hot, and steamy, with good odds that the South parts are especially going to be wet. I reccomend protection.
Mmmm, good job Angelique. Tonight's headlines: fingerin' Wendy...'s Chili investigation... widens...oral sex...in the Michael Jackson case, and details about Angie's vagina. I mean the Pope's funeral
I've just recieved a note from Channel 4's weather girl, Mary Plain... Angelique, I want my fiancee back you skanky ho. Oh my. I can't say ho on the air in that context, sorry Mary.
One woman's story...
Look everyone, I'm wearing a blue bra! It's like you can see through me!
I could have been a weather girl. But once you take it all off for Local Access there's never any going back.

 

by travisweird
4-08-05
Travis submits his comics in the stripcreator forum to get feedback. He is told numerous times to cut back on the narration. After reading this he vows to never use narration again, no matter what.
they jump around too much. Grab some ritalin and you'll be a great stripper
Joy!
Always assume that the reader as the IQ of a blowfish. Dont do things that are too subjective. The first strip simply doesnt work because is too damn disconnected and confusing
So in other words, I could be the next Gary Larson!
Gary Larson finally sells enough Far Side calenders to buy and sell Opus to the Taliban...
Excuse me, where is the little penguin's room?
ãËíÑ ááÔåæÉ, ÌäÓí, ãËíÑ ááÛÑíÒÉ ÇáÌäÓíÉ, æÏí ÇáÈÝä ØÇÆÑ ÈÍÑí (That is one sexy puffin!)

 

by travisweird
4-09-05
Remember, only YOU can prevent forest fires!
Smokey help, the forest is on fire!!
Probably some damn kids playing with matches again!
The firemen said it started with a meth lab explosion in your cabin!
Hey kids, this is Smokey The Bear reminding you that if you mess with Smokey, you get burned!

 

by travisweird
4-09-05
Oh my God, is that what I think it is?!
Dave, you aren't the shark that bit that little surfing girl's arm off are you?
I... I couldn't help it Larry. She had a Spongebob Squarepants surfboard, and that guy pisses me off!
The little girl attacked by a shark has lost her other arm but says she's going to keep surfing. This reporter's advice: Take up tennis.
Jesus this is turning into that Monty Python Black Knight sketch.

 

by travisweird
4-09-05
Soy Presidente Bush! Tengo un penis pequeno!
Pequeno! Teedly hee! Tengo gusto de penis tan grandes como chimichanga!
Aye curamba! I just want to bash those knockers with a bat until cheap mexican candy comes out!
Bats? We don't need no stinkin' bats!
Help! If anyone is watching this crap, I'm being held here against my will!
UH OH! SENIORITA AMERICANA NECESSITA UN DIRTY SANCHEZ!!

 

by travisweird
4-10-05
28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and elleven seconds. That is when the world will end.
...Why?
There you are Harvey! Oh Harvey, what have you done to yourself?
Weirdo!
Come back Harvey! Clarence won't drink with me!

 

by travisweird
4-11-05
I'm takin' bets so let's make some dough, I got 1:250 odds on Miss Wisconsin!
I'll bet twenty bucks on the longshot!
Thank you Miss Wisconsin, we wish you best of luck on winning Miss Congeniality. Now let's see Miss Nevada's special talent!
OH MY GOD!
Give me back my twenty bucks, I'm gonna' put it on the edge of the stage.

 

by travisweird
4-12-05
Jason Biggs sticks his dick in an apple pie and Steven Speilburg directs 1941...
What the fuck am I doing??
What the fuck am I doing??
Charles Manson carves a swastika into his forehead, a 101 year-old Austrailian man skydives...
What the fuck am I doing??
What the fuck am I doing??
Elton John and Renate Blauel's honeymoon...
Elton, what the fuck are we doing??
We're fucking!! Or am I doing it wrong?

 

by travisweird
4-13-05
One day at the park Travis spots AccentuateNegative, the guy that always makes the gay jokes. But how to approach him without coming off gay??
Hi there! I'm Travis, just a typical guy. Your comic strips are great!
Um, thanks.
You wanna' come back to my place?
...Yeah, alright.

 

by travisweird
4-13-05
White people scare me.
Shhh, there's some now!
EEK EEK!
SCREEEECH!
I'm writing my thesis on white people's strange obsession with The OC.
I've considered setting up a camera in a Walmart parking lot and making a documentary out of it.

 

by travisweird
4-13-05
White people scare me.
Shhh, there's some now!
Eek Eek!
Screeech!
I'm writing my thesis on white people's strange obsession with The OC.
At least affirmative action is keeping them out of our schools.

 

by travisweird
4-13-05
White people scare me.
Shhh, there's some now!
Eek Eek!
Screeech!
I'm writing my thesis on white people's strange obsession with The OC.
Here's my impression of a white person... Beg your pardon, may I have my car radio back?

 

by travisweird
4-13-05
White people scare me.
Shhh, there's some now!
Eek Eek!
Screeech!
I'm writing my thesis on white people's strange obsession with The OC.
Did you hear that thing about our wangs being bigger? That made my day.

 

by travisweird
4-14-05
This week on The L Word...
Shane, sometimes I think you put forth the minimum effort in our relationship just so you can fuck me!
Oh honey, you're just hungry. Here, have another hot dog.
I don't want another hot dog! I want another lesbian lover!
Minimum... that's a funny word.

 

by travisweird
4-15-05
I don't think our daughters should play with each other anymore.
Ohhh, but they're so cute together!
Jaimee said your daughter was doing inappropriate things with a cross. I don't know how to put this... I think your daughter is possessed by the devil.
You're just jealous because I have a prodigy child!
Honey, show Linda that darling trick you do where your head spins around!
LET JESUS FUCK YOU!!!

 

by travisweird
4-15-05
I'm worried about you, you shouldn't date people you meet on the internet.
This guy seems really nice! Except...
What?
Well we were talking about turn-ons, and he did mention he has a...
...BRAIN FETISH!!
You must be Kyle!
Oh great, another freak!

 

by travisweird
4-16-05
I'm fed up Kyle! It's me or the brains, you decide! I'll be in the car if you want me!
MMMM... BRAINS... CARLA.... BRAINS!!... CARLA.....
Kyle! I'm so glad you... AAAAHHHHHH!!!!
GIVE ME HEAD!!!

 

by travisweird
4-16-05
JULIANE FREDERICK... YOUR TIME HAS COME.
Oh, alright. Just give me a second to pack my things...
Looks like we've got a bolter.

 

by travisweird
4-16-05
Your career aptitude test results came back, it seems the career that would best suit you is... seal clubber.
That's horrible!
Now at first it may seem barbaric and cruel but your small but strong hands and love for the outdoors would be perfect for the job.
I think your test is fucked up.
Well there are other options... the test also suggests crackwhore.
Dammit man I came here looking for a change!

 

by travisweird
4-16-05
( o )( o )
Sartre once said "Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does."
8====D ( o )( o )
Repeat the last part of what I just said.
You said... Sarte once said... Man, people everywhere just got to be free.
I see Sartre gives you a boner. I prefer Schroedinger but hey, whatever floats your boat as Archimedes said.

 

by travisweird
4-16-05
Hello this is the suicide helpline, good morning.
Good morning. If it is a good morning. Which I doubt. Not that it matters.
Is that Eeyore again?
Timothy Robins forgot his birthday again. I'm sending someone over just in case.
Alright big boy let's turn that frown upside down and get this over with.
I should warn you that my tail usually falls off.

 

by travisweird
4-17-05
Hey bull, your mother sucks buffalo balls. What you think of that? Come and get me queer steer. I fuck you in the ass you sonuvabitch.
Is this bull passive agressive or something?
Look at his eyes... he has mad cow disease!
I ate your friend's liver, with some fatha beans and a nice quiante.
PEDRO!!!!!!!

 

by travisweird
4-17-05
Man, I would sell my soul for a great comic.
That can be arranged!
Wait, if I'm really going to sell my soul I want something better, like Scarlet Johansen and a ferrari.
Your soul isn't worth that much! I'll give you Kathy Bates and a beanbag chair.
Kathy Bates?! I could get more for my soul on ebay!
Alright, let me check with my boss. Hey Hitler, go fetch Dakota Fanning and tell her it's important.

 

by travisweird
4-17-05
This next movie is about an obnoxious overweight film critic who has usually been wrong in the past and shows just how untalented he is when he writes a horrible screenplay for Russ Meyer.
I didn't like this movie. I think it portrays film critics harshly and I feel they should have brought in someone like Brad Pitt or Clive Own for the main character. Thumbs way down.
I'm going to disagree with you Roger, I think I understood exactly what the director was trying to say. Thumbs up.
You know Roeper, strangling is the perfect way to kill a man. It doesn't leave any marks. That's what I always told Siskel.
Calm down Roger... have some raisinettes for God's sake!

 

by travisweird
4-19-05
Hey Dave, look at that comet!
Wow, it's beautiful!
It looks so close!
Oh God, what if it hits Earth?!
Well, at least we wont die virgins.
A little more to the left... that's it...

 

by travisweird
4-19-05
I now present to you, the newest hip-because-they're-teenage-asian-girls rock band, Little Sarah And The 1234Jive!
Be my love gong! Be my love gong! You rub me wong! You rub me wong!
John Wayne Never Rocked My World! John Wayne Never Rocked My World!
Sarah slept with John Mayer! I found one of his body hairs!
Those aren't the lyrics snitch! Go back to China bitch!

 

by travisweird
4-19-05
Hello comic readers, this is my friend Spankling. You'll have to excuse his behavior, he believes he was Audrey Hepburn in his past life.
How do I look?
Come on Spankling, you were born ten years before she died.
I'm sorry dear but I really must run, I need to check up on my old friend Greta Garbo.
How are you my dear?
Go away, I want to be alone!

 

by travisweird
4-19-05
Who would win in a fight... Superman or Spiderman?
Spiderman, definetely!
I think Superman would, but whatever.
If you had to-
Superman.

 

by travisweird
4-19-05
Here you go, over fifty thousand dollars in camel cash.
Congratulations sir. Your new ferrari is waiting for you outside.
Yeeha!
Hey... there's no ashtray!!
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

by travisweird
4-19-05
Come on Betsy, time to face the music.
Whew!
Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Showing page 2.

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