All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
3-24-05
Hey, buddy. Perhaps you noticed what happened when your roommate was bitten my my cousin, the cooking bug.
Yeah. She cooked all night. She didn't even realize half her leg'd been bitten off.
Indeed. I was thinking you and I could cut a deal.
What? Why? I can't even cook.
No... my cousin is the cooking bug. I'm the blowjob bug.
I'm listening...

 

by Scyess
3-24-05
Jon and the Blowjob Bug
Hey, buddy. I've decided to raise the price for biting your roommate.
Forget it! We had a deal.
Deal this! **CHOMP**
OW!
Hey, Jon. Why are you cowering in the basement?
... must... avoid... all... cock...

 

by Scyess
3-24-05
So that's it? You were bitten by the blowjob bug and now you think you have to hide from anything male?
I don't know what would happen.
And... uh... what exactly are you doing down there?
Stretching.
I don't want to know...
Suddenly, those penis lengthening ads are really tempting.

 

by Scyess
3-25-05
Slow day.
Yep.
AWK!
But dammit! THERE IS NO JUSTICE FOR KURDS IN TURKEY! HAAAIIIIIYA!
Running out of excuses to beat the shit out of me, are you?
Nah. I'll always think of something.

 

by Scyess
3-25-05
What happened to you?
Tataki laid me out for the Kurds in Turkey.
So... food poisoning?
No! Kurds in Turkey! Not curds in turkey!
I've never seen food poisoning leave such a large dent in someone's skull.

 

by Scyess
3-25-05
Man... women sure get more out of a marriage.
Why's that?
For one thing, they don't have to marry women!
Actually, many states are slowly beginning to allow same-sex marriages, so that statement isn't entirely true.
Heh heh. Serves 'em right.
If you're currently not using your woman, can I borrow her?

 

by Scyess
3-27-05
Isn't it strange that with four simple vertical lines you can convery the concept of "one thousand, one hundred and eleven"?
And yet, dispite the much simpler form, you're wastefully forced to write both out on a check.
That reminds me... the last check you wrote me bounced.
Well, I've got to get going...
...which reminds me that I should be shooting you right about now.

 

by Scyess
3-28-05
What's the deal with the Academy Awards, anyway? Who the hell is this Academy?
THE ACADEMY IS THE SOLE JUDGE OF WHAT IS GOOD AND BAD. YOU WILL NOT QUESTION THE ACADEMY! IF YOU DISAGREE WITH THE ACADEMY, YOUR BRAIN IS TAPIOCA AND YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!
I was only asking! You don't have to get all pissed.
I'm not pissed. I was reading from their charter.
"Enter: Academy charter reader. Shouts with condescending arrogance, occasionally flailing arms." Hey, that was pretty good...
I'm shooting for "best supporting actor."

 

by Scyess
3-28-05
Lookit me! I'm a chicken! Bwok bwok bwok! Haha!
That does it.
Hehehe... uh...
Did you know that chickens can grow 20 times their normal size when taunted?
I wonder if Don Tyson knows about this.

 

by Scyess
3-29-05
♫ Awwwlll mah exes live in Texas... ♫
What exes?
Uh... gee. I don't know. ex-Mexicans, I guess.
You have ex-Mexicans?
Our yard doesn't groom itself, you know.
Sounds like their commute is a bitch.

 

by Scyess
3-29-05
Hey, man. Can you spare me some change?
Oh, yes. Absolutely.
Uh... will you?
No.

 

by Scyess
3-30-05
My revolutionary new process will allow us to make exciting new types of hormones.
Tell me, doctor. How do you make a hormone?
They'll usually do it if you pay a little extra.
How long have you been waiting to use that line?
It's the reason I declared this as my major in college.

 

by Scyess
3-30-05
Next up on reality TV...
...people who look way better than anyone you know doing things that no one would ever do for positively absurd amounts of money.
Following that, America's favorite drama, ripped from the headlines and featuring actual courtroom footage.

 

by Scyess
4-02-05
Gee... I'd sure like to go to a party full of swanky, attractive, vibrant young people.
Sounds great, doesn't it? I'll tell you how it was.
**whimper**
How the hell do you whimper through three rooms and a closed door?
We all must learn to cultivate the skills which serve us best.

 

by Scyess
4-02-05
OKay. I've left you a map to the party so you can come later.
This map doesn't tell me whether to turn left or right at any intersections.
You'll be able to figure it out.
It also doesn't have any road names.
So I'll just see you there, then!
Is it really necessary for me to break into the zoo and crawl through the lion pit?

 

by Scyess
4-02-05
Hi, Jon. I was bored, so I thought I'd come kick your ass.
Go ahead. I'm feeling lonely and depressed.
Uh... what?
Right now I'm so low, any attention you give me will only make me feel better. So please. Beat me for hours. It'll be better than being left alone.
You didn't actually think that was going to work, did you?
At least I know she cares.

 

by Scyess
4-04-05
Well. The pope finally kicked it. Time for a new pope.
Yeah. I wonder what sort of elaborate, ancient, sacred rituals they perform for two weeks to select the new one.
I'm telling you! Everybody knows the ace of spades beats the ace of diamonds. I'm the new pope.
No way! We aren't using suits! I want a new cut! ...and NOW, so I can get on with my two weeks in the French Riviera.
Actually, it's probably better if we don't know.
Not to change the topic, but I wonder why they call those guys "card"inals.

 

by Scyess
4-04-05
It's so hard to choose the papal successor.
The Lord will make his will known through his divine guidance from above.
HEY DOWN THERE! HOW ABOUT WE MAKE THE NEXT POPE A LESBIAN!
Hey! Yeah! That's perf-
Shut up, Victor, and go see about having the windows soundproofed.

 

by Scyess
4-04-05
Hey! This isn't Heaven? What's going on?
You're in Hell. That should be pretty obvious.
But was the pope! I should be in Heaven right now! What did we do, miss a sacrament or something?
Exactly. You Catholics all forgot the sacrament of having frequent wanton sex with Jennifer Lopez.
Aw, shit! Why couldn't we miss the one with the bland little wafers?
Oh, that one. We made that up in the 14 centuray after we bought stock in some flour mills.

 

by Scyess
4-05-05
What do you think of my bangs? Can you believe they have this kind of angle with such a great texture?
Little lady, do you see this thing hanging out of my chaps?
***ziiiiiiiiiiiip***
Uh... you took out your dick.
Right. A dick. Do you know what that means?
uh...
For one, it means I don't give a shit about "bangs," much less their "texture."

 

by Scyess
4-05-05
Hey, Clive. How ya been?
You know me. Fightin' the fight against gay marriage.
What's with the face?
Well, aren't you gay?
Yeah, and long as my boyfriend keeps pressuring me to tie the knot, I am one Republican homo.

 

by Scyess
4-05-05
It doesn't make any sense for a gay man to be pro-Bush.
4... 3... 2... 1...
I mean, a lesbian, maybe...
I didn't think you could make it five seconds without telling that joke.

 

by Scyess
4-05-05
Damn. You talk like you're on crack.
Naw, but last night I was all up in my boyfriend's crack!
Haha! You can't freak me out with your gay humor!
Haha! I guess nothing can phase you!
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew EW!
He's totally freaking out over there.

 

by Scyess
4-06-05
Where are you going?
We should go left here.
But left is a dead end.
Don't be so negative.
Let's go left towareds what is undoubtedly a long and purposeful road leading off into the far distance!
Much better.

 

by Scyess
4-09-05
How did you enjoy your dinner this evening, sir?
By eating it.
You wouldn't believe what's happened when I've tried to enjoy it in other ways.
That would explain why they gave me a tazer when you came in.

 

by Scyess
4-10-05
"Out! All of you! Get out! Out!"
*grumble grumble*
*grumble grumble grumble*
*grumble*
Out I say! Go! Shoo! Vamoose, and never return!
*SLAM*
You may think you're proud of yourself, but there's more to cleaning the house than just chasing away the penguin colony.
*sigh* Fine... I guess I'll go track down the howler monkies.

 

by Scyess
4-11-05
Do you realize how dependent we are on living in this modern society?
What if there were suddenly no more infrastructure! What if the electricty shut down, the water cut off, and the stores went bare? We'd all die helplessly of starvation!
Relax. We would just go down to Kohn's Deli on 4th Street.
Yeah, but we'd have to walk there!

 

by Scyess
4-11-05
♫ Way down in Lou'siana, down in New Orleans! ♫ Back up in the woods among the evergreens! ♫
♫ There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood. ♫ There lived a country boy named Johnny B. Goode! ♫
You sore do sing good with that purdy mouth o' yers.
Help!
**click!**

 

by Scyess
4-11-05
I will not let you cook me a meal. Your cooking sucks.
But not this time! I'm following a recipe. You'll see! It'll be great! Just wait!
Hey! Do we have any substitutes for primordial ooze?
I'm leaving.

 

by Scyess
4-11-05
They should totally legalize marajuana.
It'll never happen.
Dude! What's wrong with a little weed?
Nothing. The problem is most proponents of leagalization are pushing it to organize a drum circle in the park, much less a political movement.
Woah! There's a drum circle in the park?
I rest my case.

 

by Scyess
4-15-05
I just read in my favorite sex advice column that men with beards should make sure they're soft enough to prevent chafing during cunnilingus.
Did anyone really not know this? Of COURSE your beard has to be soft enough to prevent chafing during cunnilingus! What kind of insensitive bastard doesn't know that?!
I love the Information Age. You can be an expert on sex without ever actually having had any.
**sob**

 

by Scyess
4-15-05
My order form for new checks is asking what kind of design I want on them.
Personally, I want all the transactions I engage in using archaic psuedo-monitary notes to involve duckies and rainbows and kittens. I mean, who wouldn't?
As long as you're making dozens of people wait forever in line behind you in the store, I think your currency should at least make some sort of personal statement no one else cares about.
So do yours have a picture of a trampoline?

 

by Scyess
4-15-05
I'm so glad I got my income tax filed this early. Have you done your income tax?
Of course not. That's rediculous. Tax doesn't come in; it goes out! What do I look like, a national government or something?
I'd say "future inmate" is more likely.
Hey! If I can make myself look like a national government, I'll bet I could get a seat on the UN! Then I could get the free members-only buffet.

 

by Scyess
4-15-05
What're you doing?
Not now, Cowdjinn. I'm busy writing the UN to convince them I'm a national government so I can get their members-only buffet.
Don't be silly. They might not even have a buffet, and you'd have to go to New York to get it.
I mean, the best you could get out of the UN is maybe a couple billion dollars in aid.
Now now, Cowdjinn. I'm busy writing the UN.

 

by Scyess
4-15-05
42... 51... 67...
Just what the hell are you doin' there, pard?
I'm counting carbs. I'm overweight, so I'm trying to cut my carb intake.
You're overweight because of you're food intake, you fat fuck. Why don't you try counting meals?
I tried, but I lost count.
Of all the days to forget to load my gun...

 

by Scyess
4-15-05
I'm not very pleased with this restaraunt. My asparagus is brown.
It's better that way. Good for the liver. Lots of fiber.
And I don't think I should need a steak knife to cut my mashed potatoes.
Our chef uses the whole potato, including the exoskeleton.
Ferchrissakes! My chicken breast has nipples!!
Yeah. That one'll be a little hard to explain.

 

by Scyess
4-16-05
Hey, new guy. Whatcha in for?
They caught me rolling naked in vaesline with nude 12-year olds and shaved livestock in a room filled with furniture made out of human remains.
How 'bout you?
I park my late model SUV on the white line between two parking spaces so no one can ding it.
GUARD! I GET ME AWAY FROM THIS FUCKING DEGENERATE!
Relax. They're moving me to death row tomorrow.

 

by Scyess
4-17-05
This piece is stunning. The way the artist conveys the repression of women is stunning.
She just wrote the word "repression" over and over again on top of a picture of a woman that looks like it was torn from a magazine.
Exactly! She uses the layering to represent ...
Where's the art in that?! If you have to explain what the art is supposed to represent in words on top of the art, you're cheating!
You cretin! You don't know anything about modern art!
For example... why talent is no longer required.

 

by Scyess
4-18-05
Amazing. No matter how damaged the Enterprise gets... no matter what gets blown up, shut down, rerouted, or vaporized...
Whatever makes the gravity always seems to be working just fine.
It's Newton's second law of conservation of special effects.
I'm not familiar with that one...
It states "the quality special effects in the film or show is directly proportional to the size of the budget of that show."

 

by Scyess
4-18-05
So if Newton's 2nd Law of the Conservation of Special Effects is "the quality special effects in the film or show is directly proportional to the size of the budget of that show..."
What's the first law?
plot = budget / (special effects)
Newton sure was ahead of his time.

 

by Scyess
4-19-05
It started with the OJ Simpson Trial...
Then Terri Schiavo, now the new pope... why can't the damned media cover news that actually matters?
Well, Mexico's democracy recently took a hit when Andrés Manuel López Obrador, a leading presidential contender for the PRD, was maliciously indicted by the PRI and the president's party for...
Woah, there, buddy! Hold up! Can't you keep it to small, simplified sound bites?
I think we've found the problem.

 

by Scyess
4-19-05
You can stop hiding now. I told you. I don't want to beat you up.
Well, what do you want?
I like you. I kind of thought we could have some sort of romantic relationship.
So you don't want to hurt me?
Look... you're not listening...
I think I'm just fine where I am, thanks!

 

by Scyess
4-19-05
I don't understand why coffee shops are legal but cocaine bars aren't.
I mean, coffee will hype you up and get you addicted, just like cocaine. Just not as much or as quickly...
Maybe it's part of the US government's War on Efficiency.
That reminds me... I have to go try to help Sanna register her license plates.

 

by Scyess
4-21-05
Did you hear? Nigeria and Albania are at war!
No kidding!
I hope Albania wins!
I don't think the choices are so black and white.
That's it? That's the joke?
Dammit! It's funny if you had to take Latin in high school!

 

by Scyess
4-21-05
**gurgle** I'm sooooo wasted.... *spit*
Hey there. You don't look like you can drive home. I could easily take you back to your room and...
Uh, no! No! That's fine! Look! All sober now!
That'll be $83.50.
So how's your job sobering up drunk women enough to drive?
Lucrative but depressing.

 

by Scyess
4-22-05
Sanna, sometimes I don't understand why you like me.
Oh! Well...
You're kind of amusing, in a sad sort of way. And you don't smell like feet. Er, not all the time... and, um... er...
You're not very good at this.
In my defense, let the record show that I never actually said I like you.

 

by Scyess
4-25-05
I'm sorry. Each passenger is restricted to one carry on and one "personal item." You'll have to check one of those.
My two small boxes and purse combined take up less space than most people's "carry on" luggage, which is usually the size of a small African nation.
Your indolence requires me to seat you next to the crying baby. Now do as I say or I'll be forced to spit in your complimentary beverage.
I'm warning you... I have a call button and I'm not afraid to use it.

 

by Scyess
4-25-05
Excuse me. Is there a snack on this filght?
Yes. You can purchase a snack for $3.
$3? I thought y'all gave that stuff away.
The airline industry is in trouble. We're cutting costs to help lower prices for our customers.
So you've slashed my ticket price by three whole dollars.
...not to mention your health care costs if you don't eat this stuff.

 

by Scyess
4-25-05
Sometimes the old sayings are true. Doctors really do have the worst handwriting. And plumbers do show their buttcracks. I wonder why that is...
Well...
Doctors have to write long, complicated Latin words and drug names quickly. And plumbers wear heavy tools on their belts.
Wow. Is there anything you don't understand?
Well... I don't understand how a certain gender can own three warehouses full of shoes and still never have a pair to match whichever of the trillion outfits they're wearing that evening.

 

by Scyess
4-26-05
Yes, I will grant your wish! But first you must promise me... your first born child!! Only then will I --
You got it!
Uh, okay... your wish is gran-
WAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAHH!!!!
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!"
Look, lady... if your kid doesn't stop throwing things at my customers, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
That's it. From now on I deal only in cash transactions.

Showing page 23.

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