All comics by Riotmoon

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by Riotmoon
12-05-06
. . .And I think that's why I haven't gotten any for . . .Jesus, two whole months now.
Yeah, she really sounds like a hateful cockblocking shrew, but it's good to know Mom's doing all right now that I moved into the tree outside.
I mean, she DID bake me these delcious muffins, but I have to admit. . .I'm still depressed. And severely constipated.
If I were to let you pull my finger right now, would it help you any.
. . .no, man. Not really.
I figured as much.

 

by Riotmoon
12-05-06
Meanwhile, in another part of town:
I think I might be pregant, Grayscale Howard Cosell!
Sports Fans, I promise you it's not mine.
Just a few miles away:
. . .I've been having an affair. With your left hand.
The one I have in my POCKET!? That was my JERKING hand!
17 years ago, later that very same day:
Not a minute goes by where I don't wish I was dead. I can't trust anyone, my life is falling apart, my girlfriend's cheating on me. . .I think I want to kill myself.
HAW HAW!

 

by Riotmoon
12-05-06
Ever since he'd gotten really into "Star Trek" and swallowed a Mortal Kombat CD, Dr. Edgar Edgarovitch's psychiatric advice was, at best, suspect and maybe a little insane.
So yeah, Doc, I've been feeling like blowing my brains out pretty much all the time lately . . .
OOOHH CHINESE NINJA WARRIOR! WITH YOUR HEART SO COOOLD!
. . .and, well, I feel like if something doesn't change soon I'm probably gonna kill myself or someone else!
I'M SONYA BLADE, LUSCIOUS PRETTY THING! I'LL GET YOU WITH MY SONIC RINGS!
. . .so yeah, what I really want to know is how can I make him suffer even more rather than just tell him what's wrong?
SO CLEAN! HE'S ALL DRESSED IN WHITE!! THE WARRIOR WITH THE ENDLESS FIGHT!

 

by Riotmoon
12-05-06
It was Day 90. By then, well sick of each other's company, they began to talk about stupid TV shows they loved.
. . .and yeah, between the car, Michael, and Devon, I always felt like there was some weird gay love triangle going on there.
That's fucked up, man. I thought the same thing about Airwolf. I'd think of Borgnine trying to fuck a helicopter and barf like a chicken.
. . .Man, I really hate being stuck on this island with you.
I know. So do I.
Anyways . . .how DO you fuck a helicopter?
With gusto, mad daddy. WITH FUCKING GUSTO.

 

by Riotmoon
12-05-06
They really shouldn't have been friends. After all, he was an insecure robot. He was a serial killer who only spoke in Journey lyrics, and the whole thing was an already-played joke. But . . .
I think I'm lonely.
WELL MY FRIEND I'M LONELY TOO!
Helping each other through the bad times:
. . .you really think I'll meet a girl here? I mean, I feel so uncertain now that Mary and I broke up.
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT!
And the good times:
. . .I wanna . . .y'know, get back. To uh, my city by the bay.
NA NA NA NAAAAA NA NA! NA NA NA NA!

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
Yes, yes--I DID think of just having both of them say "COCKSUCKER! (For Jesus)" In every panel. But I wasn't that lazy. Though I was lazy.
Sometimes I wish we could rob them, cut their throats, and throw them in the river.
FOR JESUS!
We're getting ass-fucked! Carved into counties--Not ONE commissioned from the hills.
Jesus would HATE that. I mean . . .uh, dag, yo.
I can hold up my end, but there's dimensions and fucking angles I'm not expert on. You WOULD be, if you;d sheathe your JESUS long enough.
JESUS says you're a pie-faced cocksucker.

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
To say this is "High Concept" would imply I was high when I created it. That is, unfortunately, not the case and it's a shame because it would explain perfectly if I was.
I thought you said you got over it?
I LIED!
Oh you LIED . . .now you gotta prove it to yourself!
Just remember Stallion--You fight great, but I'm a great fighter!
. . .wanna ring the bell?
ALL RIGHT! DING! DING!

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
HAY GUYS--Captain Gruntass is totally all up in your area doing the funny shit!
ARR Missy, it's 4:00!. I have no fucking clue what I should be doing right now. But I know it's something important.
I'm afraid I really can't help you Cap'm--I'm the hot-bodied mogoloid chick you brought on board to cater to the burgeoning retard clientele.
ARR! I remember ye now, met at the Christmas Party!
Yes we did, sir! And I remember how you hated my childlike innocence and my tendency to wiggle and babble.
ARR! Yes, I do hate that something fierce. Would ye like to hear my rendition of "Brandy," now?
I'd really rather you didn't, sir, lest I vomit out my ass.

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
The concept is this, folkies--I plug in the dialogue for this strip by randomly flipping channels on the TV. Hilarity will NOT ensue, and no, actually it's NOT that different from what I do anyway.
DON'T FUCKING DO THAT! FUCK YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! PUT THAT AWAY! IT'S LOADED!
It helps if you spread the vulva to facilitate penetration.
Anyway, everyone is on the drugs and the hormones and all that shit.
We tried a little home sex video and it didn't work out because it was the back of my head. HA HA!
DID YOU SEE HIM! THAT WAS HIM!
Remember girl, all dogs run in packs.

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
And now, rather than bore you with incisive truths disguised as surreal humour, I make up some shit.
If you die on "Sabado Gigante" YOU DIE FOR REAL!
Moldy bread TOTALLY tastes like clown penis!
JESUS: He's totally faking you out, man!
This one time, I got fucked in the ass and I SWEAR--it sounded like a slide whistle.
Those voices in your head urging you to kill everyone? It's Mom and Dad, and they only want what's best for you.
NOBODY EVER WINS AT "ONE AWAY!"

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
I never have anything nice to say about cowboys.
I love drinking.
Me too, man. I totally think drinking makes me a better person.
I like how it frees my inhibitions, so I have have sex with my horse, Smegma. She's right here. Say hello, Smegma.
Dude, that's just an empty saddle you're carrying. There's no horse there, much less anything to actually fuck.
Oh, so the fact that I'm drinking with a flying talking bee is plausible, but me having a sexual relationship with my invisible horse (Smegma) is all wrong?
You want normailty, take your silly ass to "Hooters," fuck-knuckles.

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
Somehow, this might be more random than the one where I did dialogue by randomly flipping channels.
You know what I always wanted to see? I always wanted to see that big wheel come off and roll through the audience, killing everyone whilst making that DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! sound
I always wanted to see someone get killed with a Plinko chip. Barker can throw those fuckers like a Ninja, y'know.
I once saw him cut some woman's throat when she fucked up the Shell Game.
I remember that--and he used the shell to smother her screams. I wanked it to that episode.
What I can't figure out is why everyone on the show is old, fat, a soldier, or a college girl with huge tits.
I've always wondered why you see that as a problem, my son.

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
We join our story with TIME BISCUT MN landing in hotel lobby bearing a sign called "FurryMUCK 06"
Hello, feline woman-servant, I, TIME BISCUT MAN am here to fuck something with a lot of hair, just as it says on your sign.
That's peachy-keen with me, but really all we have are people pretending to be animals and pretending to fuck each other.
That's it?
Yeppers.
You make the birds flying high above us weep blood.
Y'know, I hear that kinda thing all the time.

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
Being stranded on a desert island was bad enough, but when Jethro began receiving God's obscene phone calls in his brain, his relationship with Annie became strained . . .
So, anyways, I finally moved those coconuts out from under where we were sleeping and ever since then they've tasted a LOT better.
Hee hee . . ."Weenis"
No, seriously, it's almost dinner, you should have a taste of my coconuts . . .wait, are you even listening to me?
Yeah, yeah . . ."clitorial stimulation" . . .I know just what she really means, Yahweh . . .
GOD DAMMIT WILL YOU JUST HAVE A TASTE OF MY RIPE COCONUTS FOR ONCE?!?!!!!
. . .I'm sorry dear, were you saying something?

 

by Riotmoon
12-10-06
UUUHHHHHHHNN--
. . .God Dammit, NO!

 

by Riotmoon
12-14-06
I hate fucking job interviews. They're twice as bad when the boss is out of his fucking mind.
So, uh, can you tell me what motivated you to want to work here a Imhotech, Inc?
It's easy work, I liked the idea I could drive a forklift while I was drunk. Also, I find the idea of "Casual Naked Fridays" nipple-stiffeningly tittilating.
I see, that's great. And what would say your three best skills are?
Uhm. . .I'm good with people, I can work a telephone system, and I can make a shank out of a toothbrush.
Fantastic! When can you start?
I started two fucking months ago, sir. How many times are you gonna interview me?

 

by Riotmoon
12-14-06
It's said that a dork who gets 3 wise men to answer ridiculous questions about "Rocky" movies will rule over Heaven & Earth. It's stupid and a lie, but that's the premise:
So, was his trainer, like Irish Catholic or Jewish?
Both, wise smelly knave. Mr. T's fists are so powerful they knocked him Hasidic. Then he died.
And what about Apollo? That big-ass Russian hits him and all of a sudden he's Jewish too? I mean, why did he have to die?
Because you play with your peter at night, when God can see you.
And isn't it weird how Rocky beats Drago the same way Luke Skywalker learns to be a Jedi, I mean, it's all trees and rocks and running around in the woods. What up wit' dat?
God you make me want to die, only I'm afraid you'd have sex with my stiffening corpse.

 

by Riotmoon
12-14-06
Like the last time, same rules--random characters, random dialogue pulled from flipping TV channels. Did I say "Random" enough times?
I assume then, you think the Cowboys bounce back when they go to Atlanta on Saturday night.
You wanna have sex with hood rats first so when you get to a girl you do like you're not terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it!
You wanna go down right there in front of me?
You suckin' butter, hot fudge and ice cream off my toes, baby!
This grass is the most powerful in the Western Hemisphere. I have it specially flown in from my man from mexico. He's an expert. His name is Juan.
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE!

 

by Riotmoon
12-14-06
I dunno man. Things feel . . .WRONG. Fucked up. People at each other's throats, so much death and pain in the world . . .the Germans call it "Weltschmerz." It literally means "world pain."
BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES!
It's really getting to me too--I find myself wondering if I can really make a difference in any way, shape or form, man. I mean, it's all I can do just to get out of bed most days.
BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES!
. . .you're not listening to one GOD DAMNED WORD I'M SAYING, are you?
DAAARRR . . .nope!

 

by Riotmoon
12-14-06
And now we take a break to get in touch with the concerns of the average joe. (NOTE: None of these people are named "Joe.")
I LOVE REGIS, BUT I *HATE* KELLY! GRAAAAAAHHH!
I hate it when people refer to these things on my chest as "Weebles."
I wonder sometimes if I can get a yeast infection from mastrubating with French bread.
I think committing suicide should be punishble by death. Oh, that'll show 'em.
I think I'm in love with Judge Reinhold. Yeah, THAT way.
HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT! A Ninja just installed a telephone!

 

by Riotmoon
12-14-06
Bill's plan to spend a year on FUNKOTRON to "get his head together" wasn't working out as well as he'd hoped . . .
So, uh . . .what do you want to do tonight?
BOLTOR LEARNED LONG AGO TO ENJOY NOTHINGESS. HOW ABOUT A GAME OF BOGGLE?
Man, I thought a city full of robots would be a cool thing, but it's fucking getting to me. The robots do the same stupid things people do. It's not cool at all.
VREEP! CRYTON HAS TWO MILLION DOLLARS FOR YOU IN NIGERIA! VREEP! OOP! CLUB SANDWICH!
Fuck this shit. I'm fucking tired of stupid robots.
RRRARGH! YOUR ANTI-ROBOT BIGOTRY FORCES TOBOR THE UNDEAD TO CLAIM YOU FOR HIS OWN!

 

by Riotmoon
10-14-08
Dave Mustaine. Leader of Megadeth, highly regarded guitarist, and "that crybaby who was in metallica before they got famous." These days, he's considered a legend, BUT . . .
OHHHH III CAN'T PUNCH HARD ENUFFF, AND IIIIIIIII CAN'T KICK HYEEEEE ENUFFF. . .
Did you ever wonder just HOW a young man from . . .someplace . . .became the leader of the most ass-kickinest metal band ever? Well, it all started back in grade school:
Hey, man! That was my"Clash of the Titans" lunchbox you just smashed!
YEAH! AND I'D DO IT AGAIN, FAGGIT! HAW HAW!
As is often the case, when we are at our lowest, inspiration shows us the way . . .
My . . .my lunchbox . . .*SOB!* Oh, Perseus . . .you were the only one who ever *understood* me . . .what *sniff* . . .what . . .what am I gonna do now?
AVENGE ME, DAVE! AVENGE ME WITH THE FERCIOUS POWER OF SNARLING METAL AND FEROCIOUS GUITAR SOLOS!

 

by Riotmoon
10-14-08
And so, Dave Mustaine, motivated by the loss of his "Clash of the Titans" lunchbox, made it his mission to melt faces with the power of METAL. There were, of course, some false starts:
JUST LOOK FOR THE BUSTED NEEEON SIGN THAT SEZ: "EEE AH OES!"
FEELINGS! NOTHIIIIING MORE THAN FEELING . . .
FROGGY WENT A-COURTIN' HE DID RIDE--CRAMBONE!
BALLS TO THE WALLL!
One crash between puberty and a speech impediment later. . .success!
IiiiiiIINN mY hOuR oF nEeD . . .nO, yOu WeRen'T tHeRe . . .
i'M oN mY wAy To ImPaCt . . .hIgH sPeEd DeRt! Yeah . . .that's the way to go! Perseus, here I come!

 

by Riotmoon
10-14-08
With the twin skills of being able to play guitar and yell his head off, Dave was ready to search of people with like minds to yell and play guitar with. Enter: METALLICA!
hI! i SaW yOuR aD iN tHe PaPeR! i SiNg AnD pLaY gUiTaR!
That's great, but really, we all sing and play guitar. You got any other skills?
DoEs TaKiNg 1/4 oF tHe GoLdEn CrEsCeNt'S aNnUaL hErOiN oUtPuT aNd DrInKiNg LiKe A fIsH cOuNt?
Wel, it *shouldn't,* especially since no one else in the band does drugs or drinks. Still, what's one iveterate alcoholic more or less. You're IN!
aWeSoMe! LeT's DrInK uNtIL oUr HeArTs StOp!
Yes. Let's!

 

by Riotmoon
10-14-08
Dave was happy with Metallica. They wrote songs, did drugs, and fought. Like, a LOT. Finally, it all came to a head:
. . .wHaT dO yOu MeAn I'm OuT oF tHe BaNd?!?
I'm sorry Dave, but yes. You've gotten in fights with people on behalf of your dog, your drinking, and those 12 songs about unicorns fucking you wanted to record.
. . .wElL, oK, i MeAnT bEsIdEs ThAt.
Besides that, we find your weird baby face and shiny bozo-like red hair to be distracting and offensive to our sensibilities.
mAn, FuCk YoU gUyS. I'm GoNnA FoRm A bAnD tHaT'lL DESTROY yOu AsShOlEs!
Take your best shot there, Persus. You sorely underrate Metallica's ability to self-destruct repeatedly and awesomely.

 

by Riotmoon
10-14-08
Finally, Dave found his raison d'etre on a particularly dark night of the soul:
aW mAn, GhOsT oF pErSeUs, I tOtAlLy FuCkEd Up. MeTaLlIcA fIrEd Me, I'm On DrUgS, aNd My WeIrD SyNtAx Is hArD fOr RiOtMoOn To TyPe.
That's fucked, yo. So what *do* you want to do with your life.
I dUnNo. I wAnT tO fOrM a KiCkAsS mEtAl BaNd, BuT i CaN't ThInK oF a GoOd NaMe.
A good, rockin, kick-ass metal band, name, huh? Well, lemme think . . .How about . . .
MEGADETH!
STOP DRILLING! YOU JUST HIT OIL! (and cured my speech impediment!) YAY GHOST-OF-PERSEUS!

 

by Riotmoon
10-22-08
We begin the middle of the story, with TIME BISCUT MAN foling another evil scheme
So, seriously BOLTRON, you've got to knock this "destroying the world stuff off, man, it's played out. You've got so much going for you besides your evil, xenophobic hatred of all humans.
Really? Like what?
Well, I usually don't say this to robots, but your groinal flap is coving an obviously impressive robot package. Frankly, chicks dig well-hung robots.
BOLTRON was unaware of this. BOLTRON was traumatized in gym class in grade 8 when TOBOR mocked his circumcision.
Later, TIME BISCUT MAN celebrates this surprisingly non-catastrophic victory by relaxing with one of his many "secret ladies":
And he was all like "BOLTRON will wash his face and go to a club and try to score some poon--would you like to come with?" and I was like, "naw man, I got plans" Er . . .we DO have plans, right?
Only if you twist them both, TIME BISCUT MAN.

 

by Riotmoon
10-22-08
For those of you who missed the earlier ones--basically I make these ARTGY comics by transcribing random gibberish on whatever TV channel I happen to flip to. The results are pretty random
It's not your tailpipe . . .
If she doesn't do exactly what I tell her to, I want to you cut her friend.
Only parts of the corpses have been removed!
They're dead! They're all messed up!
JUNIOR SURE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM PRIVATE PARTS!
Dive into the plasma pool!

 

by Riotmoon
10-22-08
Now, because I have nothing else to do at 9:35 P.M. EST, we check in with the mood of the man on the street . . .mere moments before we run him over.
I'm waiting for the candidates to talk about the most important issue in this election . . .is it "cooch" or "cooze?"
I'M INCAPABLE OF ACHIEVING AN ELECTION!
I think I will be voting for The O and The Joe this year!
I myself favor the policies of The Geezer and The Skeezer!
Seriously, man, that Palin chick is fucking hot. I'd like to bend her over a desk and pound the "sexy librarian" right out of her. With COCK.
Dude, that's all kinds of wrong. Politics shouldn;t really make anyone horny. That's how little boys end up getting fondled.

 

by Riotmoon
10-22-08
In a bleak, industrial landscape which is totally impossible to encapsulate in a Stripcreator comic, we join our hero, Henry, as he dines with his girlfriend's freakish parents . . .
So, Henry, what do you know?
I don't know much of anything really, except JESUS.
However, complications ensue . . .
wahhh! whhaaahhhh! whaaahhhh! Jeeeeeeesus!
God almighty, I knocked up my girlfriend, she had this . . .thing . . .and now she's left and it WON'T STOP CRYING! I'm beginning to seriously question the existence of JESUS.
Left with nowhere to turn for comfort, Henry confers with the Lady in the Radiator . . .
In Heaven, everything is fine. In Heaven, everything is fine.
Well, that kind of stands to reason, doesn't it? I mean JESUS is there and all, tho in this production he'd probably be some scabby man in a planet. In black and white.

 

by Riotmoon
10-22-08
In a world they felt was steadily going to shit, Delmar and Greg once day decided to the simplest and most effective way to cope with a world slipping out of their control was to go rat-fuck insane:
I tell you, life was so much easier when I was Jesus Christ, eating paste under the sink in Kindergarten. People respected me then, even when I pissed all over my nap-mat.
SAY HEY MOMMA SEE THE WAY YOU MOVE! GON' MAKE YOU SWAET GON' MAKE YOU GROOVE!
It was beleived that somewhere in their insane ramblings THE TRUTH could be found.
I think I might be on fire right now.
Y'know what I want to see right now? A horny movie of a nekkid woman making a sandwich, then crushing it with her ample derriere. My "nips" harden in anticipation . . .
Other, less biased observes thought this was probably a load of bullshit and they were just babbling lunatics.
I have six children! SIX! And a bagel I call Burl Ives. Also, I am a millionaire and a wiener salesman! And I can't put my arm down!
Melissa, you gotta listen to me. One time, okay see, one time, I sang a song about a honky-tonk whilst fucking a butterchurn. Man, that was the BEST Sunday School EVER.

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