All comics by choadwarrior

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by choadwarrior
5-22-03
What is your superhuman ability?
I can raise the dead, turn water into wine, and multiply bread and fish.
I can take your paycheck and get you high.
I can turn women into ex-girlfriends.
I can give you a happy ending.
I'm a pussy magnet.
I can turn boys into men.

 

by choadwarrior
5-22-03
Father, the only man I ever had sex with is my dearly departed husband...
Quite admirable.
Before I die, I would like to have sex with another man, but I don't want to commit the sin of fornication.
Well, like we tell the girls in Catholic school...
God never said anything about the poop chute.

 

by choadwarrior
5-22-03
Can you please me sexually?
I am programmed to gratify men and women of all ages.
Ok, but I don't want to wake anyone. If I get too loud, flip me over and bury my face in the pillow.

 

by choadwarrior
5-23-03
You have lead a debaucherous life...full of sin and depravity. Hence you were cast in Hell.
Sure was fun. Now what?
There is only one thing I can do to you to truly torture and punish you for all eternity.
What's that?
...and the next thing I knew, I was up here in Heaven talking to you.

 

by choadwarrior
5-23-03
Satan, I think I lead a good life. I'll do anything to get out of here..
Anything?
[Slurp. Slurp. Slurrrrrp.]
Oh, this is great...
So do I get to go to Heaven now?
Well, to be honest, that's God's call, not mine--and what you just did isn't going to help your case at all.

 

by choadwarrior
5-24-03
I've decided that if I ever want to find a man, I have to pattern my love life after a chick-flick.
I'll be happy to help.
Perfect--'ll start by pointing out all your bad habits. You act annoyed, but then...
...through a series of wacky montage scenes, you'll realize you need to change for me.
No. No. No. What I meant was that I'd be your overly flamboyant gay friend that you only see in two scenes.

 

by choadwarrior
5-24-03
Where do you wanna go eat?
I don't care, anywhere you wanna go is fine with me.
Yeah, but you have that crazy diet--98% of the restaurants in town are off limits to you.
Hey, I'm starving, I'll find something to eat no matter where you choose.
Hmmm, then how about Nicolosi's?
Nah. What else do you have in mind?

 

by choadwarrior
5-24-03
Have you seen that episode of Aqua Teens Hunger Force where the moon people have the Foriegner belt?
No, why?
I learned the secret to how it works, check it out...
You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice our loooooove...
At least he didn't find the secret to the Madonna belt and make me feel like a virgin.

 

by choadwarrior
5-24-03
Wanna play "TV Hospital Drama?"
No, let's play "Hip New Sit-Com."
Okay, I'm going to spin-off, but you can stay here and play "Tired, Old Sit-Com."
How do you play that?
Hi...I'm your new little sister.

 

by choadwarrior
5-24-03
What's your favourite role playing game?
Dungeons and Dragons
Magic: The Gathering
Cowboys and savages...I mean, Indians
Got yer soul
Girl passed out at fraternity party
First I crap my diaper, then I deserve a spanking

 

by choadwarrior
5-24-03
Oh yes it's ladies night and the feeling's right. Oh yes it's ladies night Oh what a night (oh what a night).
You light up my life. You give me hope to carry on. You light up my days and fill my nights with song.
She's so sweet when she yanks on my meat. Down on the street you know she can't be beat. What the hell. Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.

 

by choadwarrior
5-25-03
I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and across the skies flashed scenes from my life.
I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One was mine, and the set belonged to the Lord.
I looked back at the footprints in the sand, and to my surprise, I noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints.
I aked why during the most troublesome times in my life he would not walk beside me when I needed him the most.
And the Lord said...
That's when I thought you were getting too clingy, so I went out and got me some strange.

 

by choadwarrior
5-25-03
I was told if I martyred myself, I would get 72 virgins.
Yes, they're all yours and they can't wait to see you...
Oh, praise Allah!
...that is your punishment.
Punishment?
Yeah, don't be surprised if they still won't put out.

 

by choadwarrior
5-25-03
The other day I was channel surfing and I came across BET--Black Entertainment Television.
That's like reverse racism. White people could never have their own TV network.
Apparently, you've never watched Fox News Channel.

 

by choadwarrior
5-26-03
My parents' names are Dick & Judy.
My friend Malcolm's parents are named Mac & Janet.
So would you rather be dick'n Judy, or mac'n Janet?

 

by choadwarrior
5-26-03
Why were you off work yesterday?
I had an eye problem.
Did you see the doctor.
No, it wasn't that kind of problem...
My sister gets credit for this line.
I just couldn't see coming in on such a nice day.

 

by choadwarrior
5-26-03
Hey check this out...its the new Porsche Cayenne.
The only thing more stupid than Porsche making an SUV is naming it after chili powder.
Yeah, Cayenne doesn't exactly sound German, does it?
Yeah, what's next, the Jaguar Habenero?
Maybe the Cadillac Chipotle.
Volvo Poblano has a nice ring to it.

 

by choadwarrior
5-27-03
And when I get excited, my little China Girl, she says...
Oh, baby, just you shut your mouth.
She says...
sh-sh-shhhhhh

 

by choadwarrior
5-27-03
People always ask me why I have to be so offensive all the time.
I dunno why. I guess it's kinda like a compulsion.
You know...like picking your scabs and eating them.

 

by choadwarrior
5-27-03
Look, I'm really sorry I tricked you into believing I could get you into Heaven.
I'll go easy on you for the next 1,000 years, but first you have to do one thing for me.
You aren't lying to me again are you?
Shut up and take your dentures out.

 

by choadwarrior
5-28-03
Why are there so many songs about rainbows...
...and what's on the other side?
Prolly cuz the music industry is run by queers like David Geffen.
God, I hate rednecks.

 

by choadwarrior
5-28-03
Do you enjoy being my altar boy?
I guess so.
I'll ask you again. Do you enjoy being my altar boy?
Yes. I love it.
If you tell anyone, I'll kill your parents.
I know.

 

by choadwarrior
5-28-03
You really had it made growing up.
What do you mean? My family was poor and we lived in public housing with two aunts and my grandma.
Yeah, but when I wanted to see some titties, I had to search through dumpsters for old copies of Hustler.
And your point is?
You had all them topless African broads in National Geographic.
I hope he's still here when I come back to kill him.

 

by choadwarrior
5-28-03
That looks like a pretty nasty accident...was anyone killed?
Yes, my father...and if you're some kind of ambulance-chasing lawyer you can leave me alone and let me grieve in peace.
Heavens no, I'm not one of those blood-sucking lawyers...and I'm very sorry for your loss.
Thank you. i'm in a state of shock right now...I don't know what to do.
Well, the first thing you should do is let me list his house--the San Diego real estate market is still very hot.

 

by choadwarrior
5-29-03
Last month, a motorcycle cop was killed in Pacific Beach...
He had a speed trap set up on Garnet, and he stepped in front of a speeding car to flag it down...
The driver of the speeding car didn't see him, and she squished him like a bug...
He deserved it.
It's not like I hate cops, but anyone who steps in front of a speeding car should expect to get killed.
The real tragedy is that it was a different cop than the one who ticketed me there in January.

 

by choadwarrior
5-29-03
Oh sick...There's a shortage of tigers in Thailand, so they're suckling them on pigs.
Mixing species like that goes against God.
Well, technically, I was suckled by a cow.
Dude!
You shouldn't talk about your mother like that.

 

by choadwarrior
5-30-03
I was bottle-fed as a baby.
I can't believe your mama didn't breast feed you.
Dude...my mom is a mid-western Methodist woman...
So?
Methodists are so repressed, they serve Welch's Grape Juice instead of wine for communion...what makes you think they'd let their babies suck on tits?

 

by choadwarrior
5-30-03
Hmmm...what did I do with my robe?
Nope, not in the closet.
Goddammit, not on the coat rack either.

 

by choadwarrior
5-30-03
AHHH!!! Jesus!!! How did you get in here?
What do you mean? I'm Jesus Christ...I just materialized.
Isn't anything true in the movies? I thought I saw in "The Lost Boys" that you had to be invited in.
That only applies to vampires.
Okay, explain that whole "Drinketh ye my blood and ye shall hath eternal life" thing at the last supper.
Okay, I lied...your grandma let me in.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-03
Last night, I got this random instant message from a girl I hadn't spoken to in 16 years.
She said she owed me an appology because she had been a bitch to me in high school...
and it had haunted her all this time.
I think I'm gonna tell her that the best thing to do is to pretend like it's 1987 again and that it never happened.
Then we can drink some strawberry wine coolers, put on some Oingo Boingo...
and have really bad sex in a Firebird.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-03
Oh my God! Santa! Welcome to my living room--it's so great to finally meet you!
You know I'm into older men...oh, I just love your sexy grey beard...
How did this guy stay off the naughty list?
So does the carpet match the drapes?

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-03
Hi--I want to donate all this stuff.
Okay, first you have to remove all the hangers--we won't take any clothes with hangers.
Okay, where should I throw the beanbag?
We don't take beanbags. You can't leave the beanbag. And you are unloading your truck too fast--SLOW DOWN!
I guess beggers can be choosers.
Life wasn't so stressful when I was homeless.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-03
We've bombed every inch of your country and we still can't find any weapons of mass destruction.
You should check in my pants, cowboy.
Oh, very funny...is that some kind of joke about your big penis?
No.
I just exploded a dirty bomb.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-03
Grandma, I hate to be the one who has to tell you this, but you really need to take a bath.
You don't know what you're talking about.
I warshed yesterday.
(Scratch Scratch Scratch)
Hello, little kitty.
Sorry to bother you, but did you just open a can of cat food, or do you just douche with Clamato?

 

by choadwarrior
6-01-03
What are you doing?
Downloading some great music I heard on TV.
Cool. What?
A Dirty Vegas song from a Mitsubishi ad, a Looper song from an IBM ad, a Daft Punk song from a Gap ad, and an FC/Kahuna song from a Hummer ad.
So your taste in electronic music comes solely from 30-second commercials targeted at twenty-somethings?
Well, I don't go to clubs and they don't play that kind of music on the radio, so where else is there?

 

by choadwarrior
6-01-03
I'll be in bed as soon as I finish this cheeseburger.
Honey, I think it's time for you to cut back on your eating and lose some weight.
I thought you loved me for who I am.
It's not that I don't love you...
It's just that your boobs are bigger than mine and I'm starting to feel like a lesbian.

 

by choadwarrior
6-01-03
I'll be in bed as soon as I finish this cheeseburger.
Honey, I think it's time for you to cut back on your eating and lose some weight.
I thought you loved me for who I am.
It's not that I don't love you...
It's just that your boobs are getting so big, I'm starting to feel like a lesbian

 

by choadwarrior
6-01-03
Americans are such prudes.
Whenever I go to the beach wearing my little Speedo, everybody stares.
Maybe they're staring because they can't tell you're wearing one.

 

by choadwarrior
6-02-03
Were you waiting?
Yes, for a day when the streets overflow with the unemployed and your boss can hire people who show their appreciation by pretending to give a shit.

 

by choadwarrior
6-02-03
Wanna play "Hour-Long TV Romantic Comedy?"
Sure! That sounds fun.
Well, it is at first.
Then what happens?
We get married.

 

by choadwarrior
6-03-03
I have this job where I get to sue people on behalf of the government.
I have this knack of convincing people to do what they don't want to do.
And if they don't, I make them suffer.
One man, who was particularly deserving, asked me if I enjoyed stabbing him in the heart.
I said, "No."
Twisting the knife is much more fun.

 

by choadwarrior
6-03-03
You must cast your nets and be a fisher of men.
I'm halfway there, Jesus.
What do you mean?
Using video games, ice cream, and puppies...
I've been luring boys into my basement for years.

 

by choadwarrior
6-03-03
Toro, why you don't charge my cape?
I'm just not aggressive like the other bulls.
Porque, no?
It's just that my whole life...
I've always felt like a cow trapped in a bull's body.

 

by choadwarrior
6-03-03
So want to have a sex change so you can have sex with bulls?
On the contrary...
I want to to become a cow so I can have hot lesbian sex with other cows.
So you're some kind of...
If you say "bull dyke" I'll gore you.

 

by choadwarrior
6-03-03
How are you coping with the loss of your father?
Why did there have to be a Sadaam Hussein? Why did my dad have to go to Iraq?
Why did my dad have to get killed? Why does God let bad things happen to good people?
Probably because you touch yourself.

 

by choadwarrior
6-04-03
That's a rather flamboyant outfit.
I know what you're thinking, but other than poodles, there are no gay dogs.
Oh, really? How come?
Because when you can lick every inch of your own body, there really isn't any point to it.

 

by choadwarrior
6-05-03
Grandma, I have this stain on my couch I can't get out--I've tried every cleaning product available.
Maybe I can suggest a home remedy. What kind of stain is it?
Um...If I told you, you wouldn't want to sit on the couch again.
It's okay, the whole family knows you're some kind of deviated pervert.

 

by choadwarrior
6-05-03
You know hoax e-mails about getting lavish prizes for forwarding a message to everybody you know have been around since the mid-nineties.
Do you really imagine Bill Gates would think the best way to test an e-mail tracking program would be to pay $1,000 to millions of internet users?
How long would Gap, Banana Republic, Old Navy, and Abercrombie & Fitch be in business if they gave away $100 gift certificates to everyone in America?
I worked for Disney. They're a bunch of cheap asses. What makes you think Roy Disney would give away millions of lifetime Disneyland passes and lose out on all that admission revenue?
And finally, why do you waste my time by sending me these stupid spams?
Hey, it's worth a shot!

 

by choadwarrior
6-05-03
So I broke up with my boyfriend.
Sorry to hear that, why?
He was small and just didn't satisfy me.
Oh, I didn't know you were such a size queen.
Let's just say that unlike Hershey's, I don't equate "miniature" with "Fun-Sized."

 

by choadwarrior
6-05-03
Hi! I'm your neighbour from next door!
Yeah, I know, I've seen you around.
I think it's crazy that we've lived next door to each other for seven years but we've never met. People in California are so unfriendly.
Not when you're skinny.

Showing page 3.

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