All comics by deucepm

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by deucepm
3-26-02
Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob Squarepants! Spongeboooob--
...Squarepaaaaants! That was fun! Let's sing it again! Ohhhh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob--

 

by deucepm
3-29-02
Welcome to Gosford Park, ma'am.
Shut your gob, you crotty-faced git.
Isn't it simply smashing to spend the weekend at this beautiful country house?
Speak to me again, sir, and you shall receive a mouthful of bloody chiclets.
Oh, dear! It seems someone has murdered our host!
I'm going to pee in your mouth now.

 

by deucepm
3-30-02
FREE DENTAL EXAM, TODAY ONLY
NEXT!

 

by deucepm
4-02-02
In a world that hated and feared them...
I hate and fear you.
Damn you! Why can't I find love?
...they dared to take a chance on passion!
There's something you should know...I've never been with a woman before.
Yeah, yeah. Money first, talk later, freakshow.
On August 6, prepare yourself for...MOIST, STICKY LOVE. A Jeff Kanew Film.
Will...will you marry me?
Woohoo! Finally, a green card!

 

by deucepm
4-06-02
Wealthy young man-about-town and tax manual writer Russ Rathskellar faces death...
I regret my life of obfuscation. If I only had another chance, I'd use it to expose the truth, no matter how easy to detect!
Luckily, Rathskellar is rescued in mid-plummet by a dying alien.
Must...pass on superpowers...I sense the desire in you to fight for the truth!
Yes! I will! Thank you, Asian girl from another world!
Now, as CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, he fights a never-ending battle for truth, even if it's something that any asshole can see!
I'm flying!

 

by deucepm
4-06-02
During the dark years of World War II, Capt. Obvious battles Hitler's regime!
ACH DU LIEBER!
Nazis are bad!
Obvious soon teams up with a small boy who calls himself No Shit Sherlock!
You are my sidekick!
No shit, Sherlock.
But his greatest battle came when he went up against his own brother, THE CONFUSER!
I have an evil twin!
But did you also know that I have six toes?

 

by deucepm
4-06-02
But, as it always does, continuity got in the way.
I'm the Captain Obvious of Earth-1!
I'm the Captain Obvious of Earth-2!
Hi. I'm the Captain Obvious of Earth-Q. Where's the buffet table?
Back off, pal. I know all about you Earth-Q guys. You drop something and ask me to pick it up, and next thing I know it's "My dick is in your ass!"
Clearly, something had to be done.
The multiverse is being wiped away and restructured into one coherent universe!
No shit, Sher--AHHHHH!

 

by deucepm
4-06-02
Soon, Captain Obvious had a new origin.
Hey, Joe! You wan' phenomenal cosmic power! Only fi'dollah!
You're nothing but a dirty whore. But I'll take your powers, because I have nothing left to believe in.
This new Obvious was...different.
You don't get it, do you, Kangaroo Kriminal? There's no point in stopping you. Go ahead and rob the bank. I hope you choke on it.
Hey, fuck you. I have to steal. I'm from the GHETTO!
Even relations between Obvious and his partner were strained.
You're a symbol of Generation X, apathetic and neurotic, unwilling to participate and too self-absorbed to change.
No shit, Sherlock. Oh, and fuck you.

 

by deucepm
4-06-02
Finally came...the death of Captain Obvious.
Suck on this, Captain BITCH!
I've been shot several times!
There was a quick return from the dead...
How do I know you're the real Captain Obvious?
Well, I'm saying it, aren't I? It must be obvious!
...or was there?!
This man isn't me! He's--THE CONFUSER, MY EVIL TWIN!
Wait! Look over there! Isn't that the Suez crisis?

 

by deucepm
4-06-02
And so, Captain Obvous continues his fight for truth.
I'm flying!
No Shit Sherlock and his evil twin have moved to Vermont.
So what do you want for dinner tonight?
I don't know...crepes?
...and Kangaroo Kriminal was taken to the aliens' prison planet.
Here on the planet of Sukisuki, you will be rehabilitated.
You should have taken my machine gun away before you told me that. Damn, you guys are lame.

 

by deucepm
4-08-02
*RUTCH RUTCH RUTCH RUTCH RUTCH RUTCH*
*RUTCH RUTCH RUTCH RUTCH SLUD*
AHHH HA HA HA!
Call me a sicko, but there's something about seeing Giles beat the shit out of Angel with a flaming baseball bat that makes me happy.

 

by deucepm
7-07-02
*snivel*
YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.
No! They'll get me!
LOOK, I TOLD YOU, I'VE ALREADY DELETED THE WOLFENSTEIN DEMO FROM YOUR HARD DRIVE.
But how do you know the zombies didn't get into the rest of my programs? HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

 

by deucepm
7-12-02
TWO WEEKS AGO
Memo to Cyberwings customers: We may be experiencing a small outage as we move our servers to Maine.
Well, that's reasonable.
LAST WEEK
Memo to Cyberwings customers: The bandwidth problems will be taken care of by Monday. Ignore the fact that our home site has been down for a week.
Okay...I guess...
TODAY
Cyberwings customers: If you ever want your site to go back up, pay us a million billion dollars in small unmarked bills. You will obey us. We have the nuclear missiles.
Shirley, you wanna call my attorney, Frank "Kick 'Em In The Jimmies" Larusso?

 

by deucepm
7-13-02
AHHHH HA HA HA HA! Cop go BOOM! Ambulance go BOOM! Pedestrian go BOOM! KILL 'EM ALL AND LET CTHULHU SORT 'EM OUT!
Okay, that's it. No more Grand Theft Auto 3. You need to chill the fuck out.
Hey! What the-- What is this shit?
It's Q-Bert. The object of the game is to jump on all the tiles.
...and blow them up, right?

 

by deucepm
7-13-02
There. Now isn't this more enjoyable than running around Liberty City whacking everything you see?
Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. Hold on, I gotta install this.
A mod? You found a mod for Q-Bert?
Yep. It's called FRAGBERT.
JESUS GOD! The snake! You ripped the snake's skin off just by jumping on it!
Ahhhh. Bloodlust returning to acceptable levels.

 

by deucepm
7-25-02
Is that...holy cow, it is!
Mr. Gacy...wow, this is such an honor, sir! I just wanted to come up and tell you how much I admire your--
Look, not now, kid, all right? I gotta make tracks. I'm due for a skin peel in twenty minutes.
...so yeah, Gacy was a total dick. I can't believe I killed all those people in tribute to him.
Really? I found him refreshingly charming. At least I did before he stabbed me.

 

by deucepm
7-25-02
So...you're a hadrosaur.
Yeah.
Basically just a big lizard.
'sright.
So why were you sent to--
I have no fucking idea.

 

by deucepm
7-25-02
How'd you end up in Hell?
I defrauded my stockholders and bankrupted thousands.
How'd you end up in Hell?
I molested dozens of children given unto my care.
How'd you end up in Hell?
Too much Grand Theft Auto 3.

 

by deucepm
7-25-02
Tuesday
...and due to the recent corporate scandals, our financial experts are expecting the stock market to go even deeper into the toilet. We're doomed.
Wednesday
...despite yesterday's rally, we are still predicting misery and despair upon today's NASDAQ opening bell. Kill yourself now and avoid the rush.
Thursday
Another rally yesterday? So fucking what? We're the financial experts, not you! Today's prediction? FROGS! That's right, bitches, FROGS!
Wow. Look at those veins on Louis Ruskeyer's forehead pulse!

 

by deucepm
8-10-02
Hey, you're not trying to make my head explode with your mind, are--
Next stop, the DMV.

 

by deucepm
8-24-02
Okaaaay,,,now look up...now look down...
All right, Mr. Ceratops, I'm going to administer a solution made from salivary glands that should clear this right up. You'll need to lie down for a few hours.
So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye?
I'm over here, Mr. Ceratops.

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
Congratulations! It's a boy!
That's great! He's healthy, right? All his fingers and toes?
Oh, yes, perfectly healthy. However, we've performed some tests, and the results are not promising.
What? What's the matter? My son's going to grow up big and strong and play catch with me, right?
I'm sorry, sir. Your son's carrying the Geek gene. Chances are he'll be a fat, awkward geekanerd. Oh, and he'll be more interested in comics than girls.
Why, God, why?

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
I got here as soon as I could. What happened to the little anklebiter?
He had a coat hanger in his eye socket.
What? How the hell did that happen?!
Well, I had the laundry hanging up in the back of the car. He walked through it and BAM! Wire hanger dangling out of his face.
Well, thank God you got him here in time.
The worst part is, he keeps screaming "Arr! I'm a pirate!"

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
Look, let's just skip over the next...oh, 15 years or so. I mean, you've seen it. Blah blah blah friendless, blah blah blah lonely...
Blah blah blah teen angst, blah blah blah Catholic school, blah blah blah nameless guilt, blah blah blah contemplating mortality, blah blah blah desperation, blah blah blah nihilism...
Blah blah blah dropped out of school, joined a squad of mercenaries, overthrew fascist regime, left life of crime and went to college. See? You've heard all this crap before.

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
One fine day in the college library...
Yeah, you've got a copy of "Cult Science-Fiction Movies" on reserve for me.
Hmmm. This is the first geek I've met at this school. I'll make him my friend.
Well, off to my dank dorm room--GAH!
Hi. Wanna be my friend?
Uh...that depends. Friends like, we hang out and do stuff, or friends like, you murder me and wear my head as a hat?
...what was the middle thing?

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
Yeah?
Campus security. We've received information that you have a chainsaw in your room with an intent to commit mayhem.
Well...I don't.
Actually, it doesn't matter. You're being expelled.
Yeah?
Hi, Matt. Can I sleep on your floor until I figure out a way to pick up the fragments of my life?

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
At a new school, I made new friends. By which I mean, more people made me be their friend.
You know, Pete, I really like you.
Hey, I like you too.
Uh...no, I mean, I really like you.
Uh...I really like you too.
Are you SURE you're not gay?
Of course. Can't you see all the porn under the bed?

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
Well, Pete, I've got the perfect internship for you. You'll be working for a casting company. You'll really get a leg in the film industry.
Sweet! Quentin Tarantino-like success, here I come!
So get ready to spend the next six months in sunny Wilmington, North Carolina!
Hey, how bad could it be?
Six months later...
So how was your internship?
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over the voices in my head screaming "KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
How are things going?
Swell. I'm a college graduate who lives with his parents and works in a mall video store.
Dude, you need to move out of Massachusetts and come to D.C. with Em and me.
Well, all right...if you're sure I'll get along with your other housemates.
Three days after moving in...
Uh...why is the Christmas tree on fire?
Because our housemate lit the Christmas tree on fire. See why we wanted someone sane in here?

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
Well, I've been down in Virginia for a couple of years. I make good money, I've got an office, all is well...except for the soul-crushing loneliness.
Hey, it's me, the girl you've been trading email with. I'm going to Vermont for college soon. Too bad you're all the way down there.
Actually, I've got a better idea. I'm going to move back to Mass soon. Why don't we meet in Boston?
Great! See you soon!
Wow, that was an easy decision. It's almost as though...it is! I'm growing a pair!

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
Steady, old boy. Yes, today you are meeting this girl with whom you've been trading long, literate emails, but that doesn't mean anything's going to happen.
In all likelihood, she'll be repulsed by your hideous visage and get right back on the bus back to Vermont. Just try not to get your hopes up...you're here as a friend.
Oh, God, she's really cute. I'm doomed.
Hi! I'm Mallory!

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
We're pleased to offer you the tech writer position. It comes with full medical, dental, and a phenomenal paycheck. Welcome to our family!
Groovy!
Two weeks later.
Hi. I'm the new CEO. I'm here to shake things up and make some changes! Don't worry, no layoffs are coming!
Uh-oh.
A couple months after that.
Get your shit and get out, dead weight.
But...I thought I was one of the family!

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
It's 4 am and I'm driving from Cape Cod to Boston, where, in exchange for eight hours of my time, I will recieve a miserly pittance that will keep Mallory and I alive for another week.
I've been doing this for six. Fucking. Months. Still, it could be worse.
At least I'm not that guy I ran over back there.

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
...and that's our office. Do you have any questions?
Yes. Do you offer any benefits?
Yes. We're fifteen minutes away from your apartment.
I love you.
It's a little less money than we're used to, honey.
Yeah, but on the other hand, when I leave for work in the morning, the sun will be up.

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
So that's it. You're pretty much up to speed. We're still operating on the ragged edge of disaster...
Where's my money, bitch?
...but other than that, everything's cool. Mallory and I are together and disgustingly happy.
Seriously. It's pretty sickening.
My only real problem remains my inability to come up with strong finishes to my comics.
G'night, everybody!

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
Hey.
zzzzz
Hey, you forgot to do the future thing.
Lemme 'lone. 'msleepin'.
Is it so much to ask that you read the contest rules before you make comics?
All right, all right, I'm up...

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
London, 2008.
Guess what? They bought the novel!
That's great! And just as I'm about to get my master's degree in English literature!
San Diego, 2013.
...and Matt and I really want to thank you for this Eisner award!
San Dimas football rules!
Many, many years later.
Wow, died and gone to heaven. What happens now?
Now we have a long talk about those "Jesus: The Legendary Journeys" strips.

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
Peeeete...reinstall it...
No.
Reinstaaaaaal iiiiiiit....
No! Never!
REINSTALL GRAND THEFT AUTO 3! SATAN COMMANDS YOU!
BACK! BACK, FOUL DEMON!

 

by deucepm
9-09-02
My folks are wondering when me and the beloved are gonna have some kids.
Twenty minutes ago.
AHHHH! KILL MOTH KILL MOTH MOTH MUST DIE MOTH MUST DIE MOTH MUST DIE! MUST FLAIL ARMS ABOUT IN ORDER TO SWAT MOTH! DIE! DIE! DIIIIIE!!
Not any time soon.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
So you're raising the terror alert to "high." Any particular reason? Is there some kind of plot unfolding? Are we safe?
Mmmm...maybe. We just got some, you know, information.
Information? What kind of information? Specifics? Places? Times? Should I get away from cities? Should I stay away from public transportation?
You know, just...just some information.
TELL ME, you mangy cocksucker! Is it bigger than a breadbox? How many syllables? WHAT THE FUCK?! JUST TELL ME IF I'M GOING TO LIVE TO SEE THURSDAY!
Hee hee...lookit his face get red!

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Great. That's just great. An all new season of that popular favorite, The "You're All Going To Die" Show. My nerves can't take this much longer.
You're so paranoid. Why do you worry about things you have no control over?
BECAUSE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEM! Are you insane?! If I had any control over the situation, I would fix it! But instead, all I can do is grow a series of ulcers!
Dial it down a notch, will you? We live on Cape Cod. I doubt it's on the Al-Qaeda's short list.
Really. Well, what about...uh...the beaches? My God, what if they try an ocean assault? We're WIDE OPEN! We're not even connected to the mainland, did you know that?
*sigh* Hold still. I'll go get the dart gun.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
I mean, I'm not asking where my fucking Christmas presents are hidden, I just want the over/under on us being destroyed. Is that so much?
I want to tell you a story. Today, at work, I waited on a crazed vegetarian. She told me about her pet project--a vegetarian lion.
This proud carnivore was captured as a cub, brought to America, and was raised to adulthood on a diet of carrots and other rabbit food.
So you're saying that things could be worse, and I could be a vegetarian lion?
Yes. And shut your pie hole.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
So whatcha wanna do today?
Kill the next motherfucker that crosses our path.
Shouldn't have said that so loud.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
See, I think if we're going to have our own comic strip, it ought to feature, you know, wacky hijinks.
Wacky hijinks.
Yeah.
Do 'wacky hijinks' usually involve the lamentation of the masses?
Very often, yes.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Okay, so what else do we need if we're going to have our own comic strip?
Hmmm...well, we're shit outta luck in the writing department, so we'll have to rely on the old tricks.
Such as?
Special guest stars.
This week on Li'l Sociopaths, Cthulhu meets his number one fan--Matt!
I told you before, I'M NOT GONNA SIGN YOUR ASS!
Please! Your approval means so much!

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Something's not right here. In the first strip, I was on the other side of the panel.
Yeah, so?
So we switched positions and all of a sudden I'm Bud Fucking Abbott? I want the punchline position back.
Oh, go ahead, you big baby.
Happy now?
No. I feel surprisingly hollow.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
You know what else we need? Wacky supporting characters.
Got it covered.
I'm Joey Hammerhead, local mob figure with a heart of gold.
Me Melvin. Me like noises stuff makes when Ethel the Axe make choppy-chop.
Je suis Serge, le snowman qui parle français.
I'm Don Dokken.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Ill Master Money B in full effect, y'all.
I'm Sheng Pei Mu. In my native language, that means "Too lazy to come up with decent character name."
I'm Zelda, the girl with the disturbing area at the back of her head. All those who gaze into it go mad.
TOBOR SUPPORTING CHARACTER IN THIS CRAP TOO. TOBOR SO TIRED. TOBOR CRAVE TOUCH OF MORPHEUS.
They call me Gladys.
And I'm Captain Sinking Into Quicksaaaa *bloop bloop*

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Well, those supporting characters sucked ass. Where'd you find them?
I hired them off of the set of "Amish Girls Go Wild 3: Churn Baby Churn."
Seriously. Where'd you find them?
They were huddled together for warmth in my basement. Saving them taught me the true meaning of Christmas.
Where. Did. You. Find. Them?
I made them out of clay and spit.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Now we need a backstory for our characters.
We're traveling vagabonds, journeying across the land in search of love and adventure, always ready with a song and a smile.
Matt, you're wearing a hockey mask and my avatar is a Tiki god.
Fuck you. I have hidden layers.

Showing page 3.

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