All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
2-03-03
2025: Back at The Ranch...
Remember when I said "So I said, Well them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves?"
Ha ha!
I still have no idea what the fuck you were talking about.

 

by jes_lawson
2-03-03
Int: Space Year 2025 - The Brad/Spankling Institute for WebHumour and Cornholing
It was nice of Brad to retire me in 2004, when my 1 millionth "sucky-sucky" strip was written...
*groan!* You got lucky! I can't even pee straight anymore, let alone cornhole!
Who'd have thought the Max-Wirthling Theory of Anti-Gravity would have been proved correct?
Dude, My Second Coming rocked! Ha ha! I sure smote those blasphemous n00bs good!
I only wish Bongo were still with us...
All of you SHUT UP! My life is HELL! Life-President Kaufman is about to get us invaded by France again!

 

by jes_lawson
2-03-03
Holy Space Ghost! Can it be...?
You've changed so much...
...fuck!
TAHT IS RITE I WENT 2 LAW SKOOL SO I CAN MAEK IT LEGAL 2 RAPP IN SPACE! GET READY 2 FEEL MY PINK ROCKET AGAIN!

 

by jes_lawson
2-04-03
Of course when I created Stripcreator, I had no idea that cliches and in-jokes would be so abundant.
Despite that, SC's strength was its community of diverse regulars, who took new ideas and blended them with old ones, creating some truly original humour!
Of course, when the Internet Suffrage for Minors Bill was passed in 2018, originality was bought by Sony! R0x0R!!! PRESIDNET SPEARS!
OMFG! UR S0 G4Y! RAOTFLMAO!

 

by jes_lawson
2-04-03
Wow! It's lara_7! You still look really well after all these years!
I'm not lara_7, I'm her clone, lara_8! You should go and meet Kajun!
Wow! It's Kajun Firefly! You still look really well after all these years!
I'm not Kajun! I'm his bastard son, Wee Kajun! You should go and meet Asiangirl's love-child!
Hello. Got any digestive biscuits?

 

by jes_lawson
2-04-03
Recently I spoke in favour of changing the default charcters to prevent the glut of comics like this:
SUCKY SUCKY!
5 DOLLA! RUV U RONG TIME!
I wanted more neutral default characters to promote a bit of creativity. Naturally regulars were upset. Then I thought "What if...."
So what are we going to do now we are the new default characters?
Beats the shit out of me! Wait...I've got it...
One bad joke would be replaced by another regardless. Maybe they had a point.
OMG! U R SUCHA *FAG*DEFAULT_1!!!
RAOTFLMAO!!!

 

by jes_lawson
2-04-03
Int. A hungover Captain Picard's ready room.
Mr Worf! Do you know how much Class 600 Spacecraft insurance costs?
Captain?
You were joyriding the shuttlecraft round that planetoid, Worf! You buckled a warp nacelle and there was blood wine vomit in the back seat!
Captain I... am ashamed! What can I do to restore my Klingon honour?
Clean my private bathroom by 06:00! Rubber gloves and a mop are in Engineering. Dismissed.
Gragh! At least turn the gravity back on in there first, please, sir!

 

by jes_lawson
2-05-03
What would happen if there was a "random" button on Strip Creator?
OMFG! I AM A GIANT TURKEY! AND IT IS XMAS SO I AM GOING TO GET EATEN!!
*RAOTFLMOA*!!!
PAC MAN IS GAY AND I AM DEPRESSED
I AM A BUG! OMFG! *RAOTFLMAO*!!
DUDE WE ARE IN A CAVE! *RAOTFLMAO*!
Gragh! Stupid Newbies!

 

by jes_lawson
2-06-03
Mind you, a Random button would be a real test of improvisational skills...
Oh wow! The only bench on the Moon where there is not some tramp drinking Special Brew! I'm gonna laser "Glaxxnor 3003" on it!
Some situtations require old characters and some topical news...
Secluded location...check. Preoccupied victim...check. Now, what message to spell out with his intestines...?
My God! That documentary about Sam Fox! I can't believe she's now a lesbian pop-star in Norway! Why God? WHY?
Others need topical humour and some good old fashioned surrealism.
Why do the Iraqi Navy have glass-bottomed boats?
Me being a horse I lack the cognitive ability to either care or indeed, swim. Shit.

 

by jes_lawson
2-06-03
Meanwhile...back at the Professor's lab...
Man, I can't wait! I'm gonna bring hella radioactivity to the Prof's Sucka-Fool enemies at Cambridge! Word!
Come on bomb, I'm stealing you for my own nefarious aims!
Hey fucko, NO-ONE steals Da Bomb! I'm an instrument of revenge, not terror!
Actually I thought I might use you to get back at those dicks who kicked me out of Oxford.
Oxford, Cambridge, whatever. Hey, is it true Steven Hawking gets all the pussy he can handle?

 

by jes_lawson
2-06-03
Right Bomb, I'm leaving you in the Ethical Research department of Oxford University! No-one will ever look for you here! Later...
Now wait just a mother fucking minute Sandy...
Muthafucka! When I am I going to get to 'splode mah deadly payload over some posh girl??
Shortly...
My heavens! What in the fuck is this?
Thank fuck! Quit jabbin Doc, and get me to where Steven Hawking and his bitches be at!

 

by jes_lawson
2-07-03
Captain's Log Stardate: later. Picard is summoned on-line by Starfleet C&C Nowt to do with the game sadly
*Ugh* You wanted to talk to me Admiral?
Yes, Picard, it's about this telemetry from the Moon we've been receiving
It...looks like someone's phasered a giant wang onto the surface of the Moon, sir.
And it's visible from every point on Earth. You wouldn't happen to know anything about how it got there, would you?
Umm...no sir. We've been uh...performing botanical and pharmaceutical research!
Well, report back here at once. Meanwhile, someone teleported a brassière into the Romulan ambassador's mouth last night...

 

by jes_lawson
2-07-03

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
OI! THAT'SH MY SPOT!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
So Doc, what's this new...*glug*... experimental formula contain?
It's a combination of Baileys, Special Brew, gin, Buckfast, absinthe and meths!
*whhhrrrrr.....*
I anticipate the results of drinking it will be...
...completely as I predicted...
*...rrrrrrrrr...*

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
Summer 2000. I graduate from university and subsequently vow to rock out like never before
Hey Kat! It's the Reading Festival! I'm going to rock out like I never have before!
Totally! Hey, I think Jon has some absinthe for you!
Absinthe? No sorry I don't drink spirits. Besides didn't Byron go mad on that stuff
Absolutely he did! It's the daddy! Now get that down you young festival virgin!
Soon...
*Wheee!* Barman! Another pint of Carling before the Foo Fighters jump into that mysterioush space portal I can shee!
£4 sir!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
At Graham Coxon (ex of Blur)
SHIIIITE!
At The Wannadies
SHIIIITE!
At Co Dot
ROOOOCK!
Yeah! ROOOOCK!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
Later...
*hic* Wow! Those bands were awesome! I could use some more booze though...
Hey, do you want some of my Buckfast?
Yeah Why not! After all, "Buckfast makes you buck-faster," right?
That's what I'm hoping, sweetie! Tee-hee
ZZZ...
Damn...

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
Int: The next year. The same rock festival
I'm psyched about Reading this year Kat, just don't let me get as pissed as I did last year
Totally! No problem!
Later...
Barman! As much absinthe as you can fit in a glass!
Certainly sir! Let me just mix it with some tasteless piss masquerading as lager for you!
Wheeeee! Take *that* Daphne and Celeste! Take *that* godless Travis fans!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
*hic* Hey Lucy, I know I'm really pished but I want you to know..*hic* ...
Hey John! I know it's been a year but...
...I have *hic* the same respect for you as *hic* I did last year...*hic*
...Don't say any more John...
Ow! Ah! Uh! Yeah!
Oh God! My ears have been soiled!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
Int: Reading Festival 2002.
This year I am NOT drinking! Pulling Lucy two years in a row at the same festival has taught me a lesson!
Damn right!
Soon...
Man! I never knew how dull this festival was until I did it sober! I have to try something else!
Barman! All the absinthe you can fit in a glass!
Straight away sir! £6!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
My recollection of Reading festival 2002, after massive amounts of absinthe...
Wheeeeee!
Ha ha ha !
Indupitably!
Fecking A! I'm over here now! Ha ha ha!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
Int: Next Morning
Urr... I can't remember anything about the last 3 days! What happened?
Well, you started a mass brawl when you threw bottles of your own piss at the Slipknot fans.
That explains the black eye and tiny bite marks. But why am I really paraniod right now?
I'd say only one other person can answer that ...
Oh hell NOOO! Where's the Buckfast?
Listen, I think we should talk about last night...

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-03
So people the moral is: Misuse of alcohol, like any drug, leads to "Things You Will Regret!"
How so? Each year you rocked out to kicking music and got laid! And Slipknot fans got covered in urine! Bonus! What's to regret?
But when I was drunk I behaved like an ass!
Hey! Nothing wrong with being an ass mate! Especially one who's been on the Buckfast since 6pm!
I can see there's no educating some people.
*hic!*

 

by jes_lawson
2-14-03
Quick! I need a stapler!
What for?
Zoe is coming over so I'm going to staple my penis to my leg to prevent any embarrasing erections.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
Later...
So how did it go with Zoe?
Bad. When I opened the door I kicked her in the head.

 

by jes_lawson
2-17-03
Welcome to Office supplies, venerated co-worker! How may I help?
Quick! I need the biggest staple gun you have!
May I ask why?
Uh, I think the new "intelligent office" system we installed has some undocumented problems!
Collate! Bind! Bend! Destroy!
Collate! Bind! Bend! Destroy!

 

by jes_lawson
2-17-03
RECAP: Da Bomb has been left to rot in a basement in Oxford University. Why? Your ma is why.
Well we really can't have this lying around in here! I shall telephone for the porter!
Dammit! Ignored again! That's it, y'all! I be TAKIN OFF OUTTA HERE!
Here I come, physics ho's! Da Bomb is gonna set us up some symapthetic vibrations! Damn!

 

by jes_lawson
2-17-03
Hello, can I speak to Mr. Wong of Shadow Dragon Magic Stationery please?
This is Wong! How I help?
It's Roger from the Ploob Corporation, I think you and I have a different definition of "Office Supplies!"
Told you I did! "Mystic Staple Gun bargain at $1500 dorrar!" But you no buy! Fluck you buddy!
Shit!
SUPPLIES!

 

by jes_lawson
2-18-03
I wish I was the world's greatest sex machine!
WELL I DIDNT SEE TAHT ONE CUMMING!

 

by jes_lawson
2-18-03
Cripes! What happened to you?
I found a magic frog who gave me three wishes!
So what did you wish for?
First I wished for unlimited wealth, then to be world famous and popular
So what happened with your third wish...?
Can't you guess? I wished I was a floating disembodied head! Dumbass!

 

by jes_lawson
2-18-03
Greetings Jes_Lawson! I, the Sentience Internet, choose to grant you OneWish status! Input your heart's desire and it shall be fulfilled!
Bonus! I knew this day would come!
" I wish..."
Shortly...
"Dear Sentience Internet. When I said I wanted to fcuk Drew Barrymore what I actually meant to type was ..."
Hi John! Some superintelligent computer says you have some t-shirts for me?

 

by jes_lawson
2-18-03
Hey you! Why my Asian money no worth so many £pounds any more?
Global market fluctuations.
Ha! Global market fluck you Blitish too!
Indeed.

 

by jes_lawson
2-20-03
Ah! Thankyou for freeing Jean Genie from that enchanted Bowie album! I will grant you one wish!
Peace in the Middle East!
Look lady, Jean Genie has transgendered magic pop powers but cannot work miracles, OK? How about something realisitc, eh?
OK, I want a caring sensitive man who really understands me and is amazing in bed!
Lemme just tune this magic guitar up...OK! Ground Control to A. Sharon. | Ground Control to A. Sharon...
|0 "Check Ignition, and pull tanks out of Heb-ron! "0|

 

by jes_lawson
3-07-03
You've not done a strip for a while Jes_... Writer's block?
Yes. That and in the evenings, instead of writing strips, my bird and I have taken to shagging while watching Doctor Who.
Hey! Yo bitch is so fat she couldn't even fit in the TARDIS! Ha ha!
Leave it donkey! I'm trying to come up with a non-obvious punchline...
Presently...
Thank goodness we escaped from those Cybermen! Fancy a jelly baby?
Hey! She's of legal age and she lost 20 pounds last month, OK Doctor?

 

by jes_lawson
3-07-03
Hey! What's the difference between the author's woman and the TARDIS?
I don't know, Donkey, what is the difference?
You can fit the TARDIS into the author's woman!
I thought you were going to say something about bigger on the outside than the inside for a minute...Hey hold on...!
Meanwhile, somewhere with very cheap production values...
I think you're having problems with your relationship Jes_!
I think you're right Doctor, but can you explain why you look nothing like Tom Baker?

 

by jes_lawson
3-07-03
Morning.
Aargh! What a horrible dream! I dreamt my girlfriend had got fat and ugly and developed a disturbing science fiction fetish!
Hey Jes_, I was thinking tonight I might pretend to be Seven of Nine and "assimilate" you with this cucumber!
Khaaaaaaan!
There's another human female isn't there?

 

by jes_lawson
3-07-03
Sexy, sexually frustrated girls in uniform!
Oh Yeah!
Playing with each other all day, aching to worship a God of a man!
Oh man, yeah! I don't care what it costs, I'm going there!
The St. Hildegards Catholic Mission for Girls. Join today.
Bah! I suppose if two of them played percussion that would be a co-nun-drum?

 

by jes_lawson
3-07-03
Listen, things aren't working out for us, I think we should split up.
Wait! What happened to the cute version of me in these strips?
That was before you started doing nothing but watch sci-fi and gain weight?
So you're leaving me because of that?
No, I'm leaving you because YOU GAVE ME CHLAMYDIA!
Ah, well I had been meaning to talk to you about that...

 

by jes_lawson
3-07-03
Well Safety Donkey, I'm back to being single again. I finally dumped Ruth. But the sex was so good!
I don't care, it's about time! She had no back teeth, man!
Yeah, but the sex was *so* good!
She told you she was an ex-prostitute on your second date! Have you no standards, man?
I know, but I don't think you realise how good the sex was!
If it was good enough to get chlamydia for then I'm having sloppy seconds! Finally! A woman who'll take all of Tha Donkey!

 

by jes_lawson
3-07-03
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, an important announcement.
Whether on your first, second, hundredth or only date...
...whether in the back seat of a car, or in a Batman costume, or with a plastic rod up your fun hole, or on an open stage with a hooker
ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE SEX!
*fring*
sloorp!

 

by jes_lawson
3-10-03
Recap: Da Bomb, flyest WMD in exsitenz, has escaped from Oxford University and is looking for fly student skirt.
Say baby! You remind me of a hot little ordnance I knew on the HMS Ark Royal!
She got kicked out after we did the nasty on the flight deck and caught thrush. Leaked all over the Admiral.
It was a Dishonourable Discharge and...Hey baby! Where you goin'? Biatch.

 

by jes_lawson
3-10-03
Woah! You one *fly* mama! Ever make it with a bomb baby?
Once you had this much hot metal, you never go back, nuh-uh!
Help! Police!
Later...
...and then he said he wanted to "show me how dirty a dirty bomb could be"!
Liberal freaknik anti-war protesters don't know when to quit! No problem miss, I've been itching to smack up some hippies since my first day in the Met!

 

by jes_lawson
3-10-03
Ya know what, PC Copper?, I remember my first training excercise with the Metropolitan Police...
Ello 'ello 'ello, I smell a flashback coming!
Int: A forest, 1993, Metropolitan Police Detective Training.
Congratulations! All of you seem to have completed your rabbit catching excercise successfully, except for you, D.C. Lines!
*groan*...For the love of God! I'm a rabbit! Listen to me *please*, I AM A RABBIT!
You heard 'im guv! Signed the confession under no duress whatsoever! Why's he got no teeth? Threw himself down the stairs, didn't he!

 

by jes_lawson
3-27-03
Quack?
I'm Kaiser Soze!
No! I'm Kaiser Soze!

 

by jes_lawson
3-27-03
The slave known as "Spartacus" is to be executed. Which of you is Spartacus?
I am Spartacus!
Umm...I'm Kaiser Soze...I mean...Spartacus!
Yeah, whatever, I'm Spankacus! Punish me! Pleeease?
Later...
"It's OK! The Romans won't crucify all of us!" Nice fucking thinking, Spartacus!
Hey Spankacus! Eyes off the loin-cloth, bud! Keep those hands where we can see 'em - nailed down!

 

by jes_lawson
3-27-03
What the hell are you doing here? We'll have to get you aboard the nearest B52. We'll soon have you dropped on some Saddam lookalikes!
Damn! I gots to do something! Think, Bomb! What Would Shaft Do?
You the man Shaft! Make sweet 12" love to me!
"I'm a complicated man, but no-one understands me but my bitches!" Damn right!
Anything you say will be taken down and used in great steaming piles of evidence against you.
Shit! Why couldn't I have paid more attention during the action scenes?

 

by jes_lawson
3-27-03
On second thoughts, I'd better call the Bomb Disposal Squad! There's been enough accidental bombings of Brits recently!
Damn Bomb, think! What Would Clinton Do
I have personally disposed of all the chemicals found at the Viagra factory, Monica...
Manifest your Weapon of Mass Dysfunction, Mr. President...*sloorp*
Dammit, I meant George Clinton!

 

by jes_lawson
3-27-03
And the award for "Best Use of a Stereotypical Character in a Non-Stereotypical Role" goes to...
...jes_lawson for "CC178: Obviously" Congratulations!
Accepting the award on behalf of Jes, is Captain Obvious.
I am accepting an award on behalf of jes_lawson.

 

by jes_lawson
3-27-03
And the Stripcreator Award for "Most Difficult Prop to Work with" goes to...
...my microphone!
F_cking A! YES!
Congr_______ons! ...Hey! St_p th_t!
Ha ha! I'd like to thank faulty wiring, deafening feedback during rehearsals and the Stripcreator Death Metal Karaoke Challenge at 3am tonight outside your trailer, loser!

 

by jes_lawson
3-29-03
So this secret weapon...This'll help us stop SuperJesus?
Bryan my friend, It'll be more damaging to Christianity than the Mormons and Catholic priests combined!
It wouldn't have anything to do with the imported uranium and trips to France you've been making
It might...
It's uranium enriched Camembaert cheese isn't it?
Bingo!

Showing page 3.

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