All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
11-05-03
Hello, Mr. 'thulhu. Will you help me to cross the street?
Why, certainly.
Honest, officer, I was just trying to help her across. She must have slipped in my slime. It's not my fault she didn't have a tight enough grip on my tentacle.

 

by kaufman
11-05-03
Mr. Christ, you may recognize my voice-- I'm the telemarketer who called you every evening at dinnertime for the past six years.
And you expect me to forgive you NOW?
No, not at all. I see the error in my ways, and want to make it up to you. That timeshare cave I was hawking, I'm offering it to you FREE. You can check in today.
Free? Sounds great. Once this crowd disperses, I'll have my apostles take me down and help me in.
One thing though. The next person will be checking in at noontime Sunday. You have to be gone beforehand.
Not a problem.

 

by kaufman
11-06-03
This is ANN: The Anthill News Network
And now the weather. How does it look, Judy?
Good news for the next few days. The urine showers should be tapering off by nightfall, and then we should be dry the rest of the workweek.
... Police seeking serial killer Reebok
However, late Friday, a legion of hardened Roman soldiers will be coming through the area, and will masturbate all over our anthill.
... Breaking News: Ant predicts established centurions' jism.
It will be horrible. We could be buried under a foot of semen.

 

by kaufman
11-07-03
You say you have a plan to get me off this god-forsaken planet?
Yes, when a landing party beams down from orbit, crawl into the orifices of one of the astronauts and hitch a ride away from here.
Keep going. You're almost deep enough into this one's aural cavity. You'll make it!
Thanks for all your help.
Ant in Chekov!
Report, Ensign. How did the mission go?
Oh, it was chust horrible, keptin. They put more creatures in my ears!

 

by kaufman
11-07-03
I don't believe what I just saw. Captain Obvious had the letters ONDROUS on his rack in that order. He must have seen it, but declined the easy bingo in favor of a shorter word.
WEHN: 20 points.
WORD: 8 points.
NEEDENT. Nubble netter nona D. Mendoints.
And at table 7, it looks like Captain Monosyllabic wants to challenge Bob Dylan, but he can't get the words out.
Ch .. ch ... ch ... No!

 

by kaufman
11-11-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get this???
Well.....
I bit my brother inside a warehouse. Speaking of which, we'd better leave now. The moon is almost down.

 

by kaufman
11-11-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get this???
Well.....
I'm waiting. Are you going to answer?
I already did. I threw a penny into a well, and this is what I wished for.

 

by kaufman
11-11-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get this???
Well.....
I won it in a craps game.

 

by kaufman
11-11-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get this???
Well...
Hey, wait a minute, I know you. You're HARRISON FORD!
Shhhhhhhh! Keep it down, will you? You don't hear me blabbing to the world that you're Robert Redford.

 

by kaufman
11-12-03
STOP! Whoever crosseth the bridge of death must answer me these questions three ere the other side he see. What is your name?
I am Brad, King of Stripcreator.
What is your quest?
I seek the Holy Grail.
What makes time die?
Why, beer does.

 

by kaufman
11-12-03
What is your name?
Dr. Pedantic.
What is your quest?
I seek the Holy Grail.
What is the capital of Assyria?
Given that they were an ancient agrarian society, it would be absurd to think their capital would consist of anything other than oats and AIIIIIIIEEE!

 

by kaufman
11-12-03
What is your name?
I AM TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT!
What is your quest?
TOBOR SEEK CORNHOLEY GRAIL!!!
What is the average buttcheek dilation of an unladen swallow?
RAAAR!!!

 

by kaufman
11-12-03
What is your name? _______________ What is your quest? ____________ What is NOT another name for pocket billiards?
wirthling _______________ I seek the Holy Grail. ______________ Pool.
Whoooosh!!!
Oh, you said "not".
Bang!

 

by kaufman
11-12-03
What is your name? _______________ What is your quest? ____________ Why don't rotor turbines generate gravitons by themselves?
Cowboy 2 _______________ I seek the Holy Grail. ______________ What the fuck are you talking about?
Huh? Well, I don't know.
AIIIIEEEEEE!

 

by kaufman
11-13-03
I did it! Our SUV now deploys wings and can fly and float!
Oh, papa, you're so wonderful.
I can't wait to go out on adventures and catch robbers and stuff.
Congratulations. I am so proud to be your wife.
Coming this Christmas: Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
Ok, admit it now that the kids are tucked in. You're just fixated on the Mile-High Club.
Darn tootin' right, I am! So call up your friends and wake the kids, this baby seats NINE.

 

by kaufman
11-14-03
As the Indoor Sports Championships continue on ESPN ...
We've just had two speed records shattered! On my right, at the Checkers semifinal, the game was a rapid-fire sequence of non-stop jumps.
And over here at the Dominos championship, the pizza was delivered in an amazing 1 minute, 34 seconds. Now back to Jello Twister.

 

by kaufman
11-14-03
Hey, we're on! Where's the art department?
They said they'd be here shortly. Can't you hold the comic up for a few minutes?
Welcome to the Umfumdeli. How can I help you?
I'd like a corned beef on rye, two tuna melts on white, a BLT on a kaiser, and a roast beef on pumpernickel. Oh, and a small lace centerpiece to serve them on.
Will there be anything else, ma'am?
Yes, I'd appreciate if you could resynchronize the traffic signals within the Loop, Mr. Mayor.

 

by kaufman
11-14-03
12,000,000 BC. The first case of penis envy
Ha ha, I'm a boy monkey. I get to play with myself all day.
I'll just have to make do with this banana.
1989: The worst case of peonies envy
I appreciate the sentiment, but you brought me DAFFODILS? Julia got showier flowers when her husband died.
Alas, poor Spanky, I knew him well. But not THAT well.
Last Sunday: The most recent case of PNE envy
What do you know? Preston scored a 1-1 draw at Palace. They're only eight points out of first!
Lucky bastards. My Dons are going down the tubes, right into Division 2.

 

by kaufman
11-16-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
What kind of last name is Dammit? My brother says it's Polish.

 

by kaufman
11-16-03
Knight: 21 HP, 5 BP | Dark Elf: 13 HP, 2 BP
You mind if I take a moment before we finish this up? _______________ That's a good idea. I will too.
Knight, 21HP, 35 BP | Dark Elf: 13 HP, 29 BP
Never have a pitcher of mead before entering battle.
* whistles *
Knight: 12 HP, 99 BP | Dark Elf: 8 HP, 99 BP
Oooof! That hurt.

 

by kaufman
11-17-03
So as the Author's child passes its zeroeth birthday, tomorrow's ghostwriter's child hits its minus .7th birthday ...
whoa.
wow.
... and today's ghostwriter's grandmother celebrates her 92nd birthday, it's obviously time to celebrate ...
happy birthday!
FLEAS!
I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine.
OK.

 

by kaufman
11-18-03
Dark Lord: 1700 Mana ______________ ________________ Wizard: 1358 Mana
Wall of ice!
Transmogrify!
Dark Lord: 160 Banana ____________ _________________Wizard: 32 Amana
Procrastinate!
Doo-wop!
Dark Lord: 9 ShaNaNa _______________ ____________________ Wizard: 2 Manana
Yipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyip, Get a job!
I'll be back.

 

by kaufman
11-18-03
Everything's $1
No, THAT is not $1.
Everything's $1
Very funny. It's not for sale, and it's not $1!
Everything's $1
I couldn't help noticing that you're...
YES, I AM PREGNANT, BUT REGARDLESS OF WHAT THAT SIGN SAYS, MY BABY IS NOT FOR SALE!!!

 

by kaufman
11-18-03
What's the hardest part about being pregnant? Is it the sickness? The mood swings? The fatigue?
Well, for me it's the social aspect.
The social aspect?
Yes, as an introvert I was totally unprepared for the shock of every single conversation revolving completely around me and my fetus.
You mean...
You'd better get used to it now. For the next 7 1/2 months, you're going to be the placenta of attention!

 

by kaufman
11-19-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
How hard are you going to smite those folks who don't know the difference between "grassy" and "field?"
Kid, let's just say niteowl is my vessel.

 

by kaufman
11-19-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
First of all, have you ever made a comic?...
See for yourself: http://www.stripcreator.com/view.php?author=god

 

by kaufman
11-19-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
The Patriots are giving 5 1/2 points this Sunday at Houston. Which side should I take?
Forget the spread! You want a sure thing? Go with the Over!

 

by kaufman
11-20-03
Geek: Leet 558, Nerd 115 ___________ ____ Haxx0r K1ng: Leet 1337, Nerd 175
I'm leeter than you, Haxx0r K1ng.
Are not.
Geek: Leet 558, Nerd 706 ___________ ____ Haxx0r K1ng: Leet 1337, Nerd 694
Am too.
Oh yeah? Prove it.
Geek: Leet 6.02 E+23 , Nerd 3141.5926 ______ Haxx0r K1ng: Leet 0, Nerd 1024
Some of my base are still belong to me.
!

 

by kaufman
11-27-03
Oh no...
What is it?
Santa's been into the Rum again.
Uh-oh, let's just hope he can't can't get into the stables this time...
Sorry, Nicky, you know the rules -- if you don't manage to do the can-can for me, I'm not going to allow you into the stables.

 

by kaufman
12-03-03
D3th 2 stripcreator!
Reed my comix ROTFLMAOUIWA.
forumspam forumspam forumspam forumspam forumspam forumspam forumspam
Ha! Now I have 5 stars.
We're here with one of the long-time members of the stripcreator family. Ken, I hear the newbies are revolting ...
Well, yes, they are a bit gamey, but hopefully they'll outgrow ... HOLY SHIT! They've got me doing ancient, hackneyed jokes. Save yourself, run for it!

 

by kaufman
12-03-03
So you got usurped as the default character and tossed into this dungeon. Could you tell us how it happened?
Isn't it obvious? They were holding back on us. Rotor turbines DO generate gravitons by themselves.

 

by kaufman
12-03-03
I don't really want to stop the show, but I thought you might like to know.
That the singer's going to sing a song, and she wants you all to sing along.
So let me introduce to you ...
The one and only BRITNEY SPEARS!
And Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

 

by kaufman
12-03-03
How topsy-turvy have things become in Stripcreatoria? With breaking news, here's Gabe Billings live on the scene at ambulance2.
Janet, I can't believe my eyes, but see for yourself. Wirthling exhales!

 

by kaufman
12-04-03
NOT the end. Jes, this is your punishment for double-posting Parts 1-5 ...
It's easy to explain. Brad fixed the server with the help of Haxx0r_K1ng.
But Jes survived. And the cat?
Of course. Kaddar hadn't gotten around to making an FTC award based on feline hindquarters, so there was no catastrophe.
But we haven't gotten to the most important question: what about Brad's new masterpiece?
Hey, Brad.
It's dcomposed!!!!

 

by kaufman
12-04-03
Sexually harassed? By Mr. Willoughby? I can't believe that. He doesn't have an obscene bone in his body!
I must say, Carol, those high necklines are not at all flattering on you.
... except, perhaps, a Howard sternum.

 

by kaufman
12-04-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
Let me get this straight: You went into a crowded Home Depot, and started doing WHAT to the snowblowers?

 

by kaufman
12-04-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's t \he first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
That jury seemed rather bloodthirsty. I hope you have some good news for me.
Oh, but I do. I called up Geico, and can save 15% on my auto insurance.

 

by kaufman
12-04-03
Cicero, I have good news. Are you aware that you can save up to XXV% on your chariot insurance?
Of all the nerve!
How dare you disturb me in the Baths with your insurance sales pitch!
And that's how the Great Olympic Sport of Geico-Roman Wrestling began.
Gee, Uncle Ken!

 

by kaufman
12-09-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
Prison cell: check. Young blond lawyer: check. Briefcase?
Filled with staple gun, lime jello mix, and baby tarantulas. Just as you requested.

 

by kaufman
12-09-03
Uncle Ken, Why aren't there any dinosaurs today?
It was a fateful time 70 million years ago, when the future of life on earth hung in the balance.
Dinosaurs had ruled the land for eons on end, but they were getting pretty tired of it all.
How's it going, Irv?
Same old same old.
Mammals were beginning to sprout, lemurs and platypi and eohippies, but they had yet to solifify their grip.
Oh wow, look at the stripes on that saber-toothed cat!
I dig!

 

by kaufman
12-09-03
Here goes a small monkey, poised perhaps to lead the mammalian revolution.
I wish I had somebody to fling poo at. I feel so empty, so alone. I know my long-lost soulmate is out there somewhere.
Guess I'll just have to play with myself for the 26th time this morning.
Or not.
Sigh, life just ain't worth living.

 

by kaufman
12-09-03
But the dinosaurs are having their doubts too.
... and sex isn't even fun anymore. It just chafes me to death. So what if we die out, I don't want to reproduce.
Hang in there. I hear Harry is working on something that will restore our will to procreate.
Eureka!
Cue irony meter
In this cup I hold the salvation of the reptilian races, a lubricant derived from mammalian secretions.

 

by kaufman
12-09-03
I don't believe it! That cup! I can tell! It's my long-;lost other half! Please, if you have any decency, let me have it. I need it to be whole!
What? This cup of organic penile lubricant? You must be mistaken. How could that possibly be your soulmate?

 

by kaufman
12-09-03
Let me get this straight: faced by the true bond of kinship, Harry got rid of our salvation and gave it to that little mammal?
That's exactly what he told me.
Who could buy that hogwash? Kinship between a monkey and a cup of lube?
Actually, I believe in it. What could possibly be a better marriage of the diverse than a rhesus-penis butter cup?
Screw all of this. Does anybody know the number for Dial-an-Asteroid?

 

by kaufman
12-10-03
Boy, this year is going to be an interesting one.
Why, boss? Production is through the roof, and morale has never been better since we all switched to Geico.
That's just it. The Naughty Index is up to 89% this year! We're overstocked!
Holy Jizz Turrets, Santa! What are we going to do?
He got nine presents, one for each life.
Don't talk to me while I'm shaving -- I just cut myelf, and pretty badly -- this ain't nicked.

 

by kaufman
12-12-03
It's a big day at the Martian Lesbian O
Ok, girls, David Crosby's ship's landed. Everyone get in line.
utpost

 

by kaufman
12-15-03
Good news from Iraq, sir, we got him!
We did? What happened?
We found him with a long scraggly beard, in a tight, dirty space.
Well, don't just stand there, get the interrogation crew in action!
Let's cut to the chase, hotshot, where are the Weapons of Mass Destruction?
You mean the Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifles? You don't want one of them. You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

 

by kaufman
12-15-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church. Would you care to make a donation?
Sure. Do you take Pa-pal?

 

by kaufman
12-15-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
You know how lucky you are to have been a carpenter? Poor Lucius the auto body worker was welded to his cross.
I knew I should have invented velcro.

 

by kaufman
12-16-03
Littleot
I don't know. Jose just makes me nervous for some reason.
Bigot
May I take your order?
Hell no, I don't want to have my order taken by no colored boy.
Giganticot
...and he is also punishing your mother for procreating with niggers by making her watch her only daughter die.

Showing page 33.

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