All comics by ArtemisStrong

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by ArtemisStrong
3-09-03
A lifeform! I shall ask him for directions to the nearest civic center!
Oh, hey little fella.
Where is the nearest civic center, sir?
See Vic's center, you say? I haven't seen him for awhile, and he probably wouldn't be too keen on you cutting him open. Haw-Haw-Haw!
I'm going to get no help here I see.

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-09-03
Early in the morning in Texas, To.bor finally comes upon the civic center...
There should be plenty of enlightened souls to discourse with about the merits and drawbacks of universal healthcare in this paragon of dissertational thinking!
For fiddy cent, I can give you a massage.
Sorry, I... I have no spare change. Sorry.
Boy doesn't know a sweet deal when he hears one. I don't think he's from around here.

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-09-03
... and I crash landed here. So, that's my story, what do you think?
Here, I'm gonna take you to some people that might be able to help.
This'n lil guy needs some help. You mind takin' him to the social services building, Firefly?
I'm drunk.
So, he will be able to provide assistance?
Yah, mind you though, he's drunk and a bit Scottish, so he may be a tad unintelligible. If you make it past the slurred ranting about past wrongs, you'll be fine.

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-09-03
So, then the bitch said that I owed HER money. I'm like, "Bitch, I'll tell you who owns who!" Fucking skaggy Glaswegian whores.
Yah, and those hags at the store. They're always up in my biz-nass. I try to, y'know, mack on the women customers, an' they're all over me in no time. Fuck...
Okay, we're here, go right in. If you need me, I'll be passed out in that overflowing street gutter over there.

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-09-03
Well, here I hope that I'll finally find some help in this government building. Maybe they can organize some sort of program to assimilate me to life on this planet.
That MAN is the most misogynistic, filthy-minded, perverse, mutha fuckin', childish- GRRRR!!! MEN.
They have female golfers on this planet, too?

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-09-03
Hello? Is anyone here? I need some help assimilating!
Hi... uhm... do you work here?
Of course, what kind of stupid question is that?
Well, it's just that you don't have any- Nevermind.
Ultra Casual Fridays are a godsend.

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-09-03
So, what can I do for you, lil fella'?
Well, I'm not sure exactly. I was hoping you'd be able to tell me that. You see, I need help assimilating to your culture.
Well, we might have some books on assimilation. The computer look-up is located near the back.
Books? Computer look-up? What is this, self-service social services?
Heh, dude, this is the library. How could you be so far off- Wait, did Firefly bring you here? That CRAZY BASTARD!

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-10-03
Well, there's microfiche and a reference section in the back. That'd be as good a place as any to learn a bit about our planet. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to masturbate in the book return.
Ok, thanks. You've been surprisingly helpful, what with your lack of pants and that strong aroma of cheap whiskey I'm scenting off you.
That robot was hot.

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-10-03
He said there'd be reference materials back here, but I don't see them. Hurm. What's this room? Oh, a placard. It says, "CLUB DETH ROKK".
A club in the back of library can't be any good. But, maybe the reference stuff is in there.
It smells like urine in here...

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-10-03
Ooohh! Lifeforms! Maybe I've finally found some coherent, clear-thinking people who can elucidate the intricacies of this culture to me.
... and, so they released "Svindlehom" that year, and the lead singer, Kronk Huff Vonman got into erotic cannibalism. He dressed, cooked, and ate the drummer from "Vegallstumstank".
...
Didn't they record him as he cooked in his own juices? I believe it's playing in the background of the album "Grogg Nacht Verbellum Aria 2". That's the one where the only instrument is a calliope.
*Sigh*

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-12-03
Wow, Boorite, NEW "Stripcreator Garlic-Pistachio" non-alcoholic hard lemon iced tea is amazing! Amazing like a vaginal fart!
Damn straight, choob- eurm, Kajun! They also come in 2 (two) new collector's designs of your choice: Bear OR Moose design!!!!11
Totally rocking! I never knew I could have such a fun time not being drunk!
Yah, Kajun, and every bottle is hand squeezed from Brad's used thongs by underaged Somalians!
Underaged Somalians! Thank God Brad's not a pederast!
Speaking of pederasty, want to go visit the factory, my lecherous compatriot?!!! :)

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-21-03
Kajun killed him in the bathroom with the haggis.
You made me spill my beer, you wang! Well, enjoy death, you fucking chum-mopper!
Geniu$ killed him in the Turkish Bath with the Tin-Tin Collection Hardcover©.
I said use CANOLA oil, NOT Crisco!
ChoobyChooby killed him in the fluffernutter with the fuzzy pink dice.
Shoulda' worn your anti-fuzzypinkdice helmet. *Chooby escapes through a secret exit.

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-23-03

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-08-03
I grant you the power of a full head of hair!
*POOFING MAGIC SOUNDS!*
And about the rectal cancer? You said you'd fix that.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-11-03
Okay, Jesus, get in the trunk!
*Sob!*
Don't get all wobbly and weepy now. Remember- you brought this upon yourself! Now, I said GET!
Woe is me. WOE!
[Exeunt Jesus Christ Our Lord And Saviour.]
Wait, that was Jesus CHRIST?

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-22-03
D'ya think we packed enough dehydrated eel-steaks for our undersea voyage, Tobor (the ass-raping robot)?
Goddammit... All purity and innocence is lost in our consumeristic, capitalist/fascist world! Our collective soul has been crushed by conglomerated wealth machines!
Calm down there ol' chap. Hey, look out the starboard porthole... I think I see a colencath. Truly amazing!
Why must there be opulent greedmongers feasting on the flesh of dead creatures while aerosol huffing teenagers die hungry on the streets? Why God, WHY?
Because I said so. Now go make me an Ostrich burger! (Life is sweet.)
Yes, my Horrible and Amazing Lord and Saviour and Love Connection. [*Praying sounds*]

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-22-03
Something smells...
... Either that pumpkin farted, or the gerbil up my ass is dead.

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-01-03
Does staring out this porthole make you despond over the hopelessness of our current situation?
No, I'm just wondering why my face broke out in swelled, dripping pollups that ooze caustic puss?
Forget your postule-addled countenance and ponder with me about the sucking stench that is existence on this planet!
Why don't you just chill out, dawg, play some playstation, smoke some reefer... whatever.
Maybe you're right. I'll be off in my pen licking my diseased asshole for a few hours...
Cheers!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-05-03
Mayest I turn from the ramparts of evil and lay my soul 'pon the altar of sanctity.
How shalt thou doest this, Big Evil One (being so evil and big and such)?
Verily, I shalt dedicate mine life to the fruitful bounty of joy that public service and cheritable labour promise, my pantsless acolyte.
Oh. Good show, then. Mayest you... do the stuff... which is nice and all...
*Wanders off to cruise for aged whores.
Some time later...

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-05-03
I think I ate some of the hairs from your bedpad last night.
That makes the both of us. I'm delirious with hunger.
You're just starting to look delectable in general.
I find myself fantasizing what you'd look like dressed in BBQ sauce and mint jelly.
Is this turning you on too?
Mmmm... If only his chaps were made of garlic and vidalia onions...

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-06-03
I used to be a star athlete in Romania, you know.
You ruin it when you talk.
Sorry.
Shut up, just SHUT UP!

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-06-03
Are those cookies any good?
Would I be stuffing them into my pockets to horde for later if they were foul, burnt shit?
Did you just answer my question? I can't tell.
Yes.. they are good. Now why don't you run along and see if you can rustle up some Grey Goose for Poppa Lenny, 'kay? Shoo... SHOO!
Does all this have to do with me peeing in your asshole last night?

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-06-03
Bleat.
Bleat? Bleat?
Bleat! B-L-E-A-T... Bleat!
B... l-l-l-e-e-e-a-t?? Bllleeeeat... Bl-... Bleat?
BLEAT! BLEAT!
Oh, "Bleat"! As in the sound goats make. Oh, okay, I getcha'. So go on... what did she say?

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-17-03
What is IN that ball, anyway? It always sounds like there's a weird, wet, squishiness inside it.
A fetus. Several actually.
Like... a FETUS fetus?
A human embryo, yes. I'm not sure who's it is. Mayhaps it's a demon-seed? Destined to tempt men and ruin their fortunes?
Well... after it comes out... can I eat the placenta?
I knew you were leading up to that. Don't you hate being so predictable? Of course you can eat it, silly.

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-17-03
Did I mention that these fetuses growing inside my ball are sextuplets? Funky, Freaky, Out-there stuff, aye?
And they will plague humanity? So far, sounds pretty trite and cliched
[pr: Klee-Shayed].
Did I mention they will transmute into shoggoths in their 21st year(s)?
Yawn. Super-fucking yawn.
You've been watching too much tentacle rape anime, mon ami.
When IS Cartoon Network gonna' start playing that shit, anyway? They need to get on the fuckin' ball with that.

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-19-03
-that frozen moment in time when everyone sees EXACTLY what's on the end of their fork.
Ahhhhh... Now I get it. I was thinking in a totally different direction.
Hey... C-can I tell you something?
Yeah. Shoot.
I think I've lost all sense of being. Like my soul was burnt away by the nuclear bloom of a neon-drenched apocalypse delivered like contagion by the spectre of our apathy-culture.
There, there. Let's talk about all this over a cool, refreshing Heineken. And Doritos. While we watch Monday Night Football (waiting for that Pepsi commercial with Shakira's ass in it).

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-20-03
My bones feel like stringy leather in this junk-sick morning.
You're looking awfully grey, pink and fibrous. Have another shot.
More Montezuma? That's the foulest of the foul, cheap liquors!
You're just a junkie looking for a cold, black exit. You need some help, brother.
I think I smell someone cooking up a batch of Mugwump juice. A three-day bender of staring disconnectedly at a hardening loaf of bread sounds good right about now.
(His tether to reality is an evaporating tendril of frog jism at this point.)

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-20-03
So, what's the prog', doc?
You're junked up bloodstream is advancing a degenerative disease you inherited. Plus, too, it makes you smell like rotting bologna farts.
So that's why all my dates end with both parties vomiting. Mine always has a bit more blood in it, though. Curious.
Maybe if you stopped shooting, snorting and smoking all the man-made chemicals that came your way you wouldn't suffer from perma-flaccidity.
How's it feel to be a useless cock attached to a spongy, retrograded husk of scum-drenched humanity?
Well, Benway, lemme put it this way: The path of excess leads- RARRRRGLP! (*ralphs all over the floor)

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-20-03
Well, foul human usurper?
Let's go over this again: Barn-raising involves a lot more raising of barns and a lot, a LOT, less disembowelling innocents.
I'm a Deep One, foolish mortal. Human flesh is to me like a pinata filled with corn chowder is to an eight-year-old reveller.
Well, if you want to do this right, you're gonna have to listen to me. 'Kay?
You're making me eldritch. You wouldn't like me when I'm eldritch.
What the hell is an eldri- Hey! Stop vivisecting my abdomen!

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-26-03
1) Create Robot Army.
Check!
2) Enjoy The Grandeur Of Nature.
Check!
3) King's Rook To D4.
Check! No... wait... Nevermind, I was looking at the bishop.

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-26-03
I can't wait for the big "Rap Contest" tonight! Prize for best "rapping" is a super-cool American-made boombox. These colors don't run- OR BLEED!
I have this shin-dig all sewn up. I think I am, personally speaking, the poop.
I'm going now to write my rap song. Maybe I'll make it about America's heroes...
You shouldn't even bother. I got more flava than a packet of macaroni.
My song will start out with the couplet "Into shadow's night I crawl, Looking for a sponge in a bathroom stall".
I immediately withdraw my contention in this debacle.

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-26-03
I'm so unabashed about my progeny, I'm savin' all my blood-stained towels for posterity.
Big ball-rider, Valium Mire, Too Close To Admire, Michelin Tire- Beat Down! I say, Beat Down!
And the Beat goes Whicka-Whicka-Whick-Whomp!... Hmm, still needs a bit of polish, but I think it's shaping itself into Rap Gold.

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-26-03
Our sudden appearance in this absolute vacuity has effectuated in me a profound stasis.
And just us two... is this the bardo? Are we part of the same karmic jati?
Thine own consciousness, shining, void, and inseparable from the Great Body of Radiance, hath no birth, nor death, and is the Immutable Light-Buddha Amitabha.
I wouldn't live forever, 'cause we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
When through illusion, I and others are wandering in samsara, Along the bright light path of undistracted listening, reflecting and meditating, May the gurus of the inspired line lead us.
If I didn't wake up, I would still be sleeping.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-04-04
*shooting with the gun.
Post Script:
Wouldn't you?

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-04-04
That cop was a real fucker of a jagoff loser.
By the way- thanks for the head wound. Do I have to carry this gaping, dripping, puss-filled misery for eternity?
It looks fine. Just put some glitter on it and you'll look fabulous.
Actually, I might try that.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-04-04
Is this the Forest of the Valar?
No... it's Jersey.
New Jersey? Man, let's hitch a ride to Atlantic City! (I want to try the new Celebrity Squares Slots.)
No, not NEW Jersey. The Jersey on the coast of Britain, right near France. Big beaches, tax shelter for wheeler and dealers... the OLD Jersey.
Shucks.
I need to find a baffroom.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-08-04
Diaper rash is so unappealing on a first date. That chick wont ever see me again, I fortell.
You lack the lotion of perfection.
Maybe I should only deal with pederasts. They must get a fetishistic thrill out of the whole mess downstairs.
Maybe I just need to potty-train you.
Well... it would be kinda' nice not to reek of the overpowering stink of raw dog shit.
Then it's a deal. You crap in the lawn from now on, and I can become a pederast!

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-08-04
How's it goin', my little darling?
My fur is caked with bowel movements. Otherwise, just dandy.
It's just an aiming thing. I think I gotta' book by Spock on this. I'll be right back and we can work all this out.
Ok, but do hurry, I think I'm starting to like the smell!
Several long moments later...
Ok, I'll be Kirk, you'll be Sulu. Now strap it on and make me a man!

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-08-04
*sniffing arm
Mmmmm... so nice. I could brand this aroma. Maybe I could play around with different diets, see if what comes out is more enrapturing.
*sniffs arm some more

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-20-04
There is an aberration in the soul of humanity only I and my brightly colored ball can fix.
That's too optimistic a notion for me. I'm going to go curdle some milk and suck it through my gingivitis rimmed teeth.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-21-04
If I knew in advance that by "Exclusive Three-Night Party Getaway Extravaganza" that you meant hiding out in a dank cave, I never would have come.
And had I knew in advance that your diet consisted entirely of artichoke hearts and cranberry juice I would never have invited you. Can you pass the Lysol Vanilla Deodorizing Spray?
The murk is thick with anquilla rostratas. Would you happen to have a trotline handy?
No, but I have some Robitussin...
FREAKY FAR-OUT! SCREW THOSE LONG, SLIMY MUSCULAR PESTS! I JUST WANNA' PARTY!
I DREW A 15-FOOT MURAL DEPICTING LIZARDS EMERGING FROM AN ESCHERESQUE SPHERE! I THINK I'LL WRITE A SONNET ABOUT IT!

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-21-04
"All the young fools who spent untold hours practicing violence and sorcery in their computer games will join the old fools -- who spent untold hours practicing murder, bribery and political sorcery!"
There goes the Internet!
"Experience freedom from pornography now. God will change your life and set you free as you experience the presence of His Holy Spirit."
There goes Internet!
It's just us now- We're all alone!
Hold me, you sweet lil' thing!

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-26-04
UH?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ERRRRRRRRRR?
Uhm?
Yah, it's down.
:(

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-27-04
A new day is shining.
Get out of the house and go have some fun!
Go read a long book in a shaded, grassy area.
Visit a friend. Make a pie.
And don't think about your escalating bills, failing health, deteriorating mental landscape and troubled relationships.
That's what the flask of Everclear is for, silly.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-27-04
Do you see that?
You talkin' 'bout the floating ball of violet-hued mucous that's attacking that small group of disadvantaged city children?
No... the comic book beside it. I think it's a copy of ROM #25.
A true literary gem. To see it up close like this just makes me shiver.
It's like being in the presence of a Deity. Like a god of fertility or bountiful harvests.
I say we grab it and sell it to the first sucker we find on eBay!

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-29-04
I was seriously considering becoming an orthodox monk a second ago there.
And what's holding you back? Your undying love of human companionship?
No, for to be a monk means to be "apart from everything, yet united with everything".
So this relunctance has more to do with your undying love of Fritos?
That, and a deep disregard for all that it means to be a monk.
I wholeheartedly support your complete shallowness and uncompromising lack of transcendence.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-29-04
Man, if I hear someone say, "Stop pooping in my au jus!" just ONE more time-
- you'll unleash unthinkable plagues on civilization?
Nah... I'm just letting off some steam. I actually get a thrill from the anger my fecal antics inspire.
I never took you as a provocateur. I see you as more of a lover of fine wines.
Yah...
IF THEY GOTS POO-POO IN DEM!
Naturally. Now about the matter of the 20 dollars you owe me.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-29-04
I should really stop my R&D work into perfecting a communicable strain of liver cancer. I'm getting no-where with it.
I applaud you. Now about the matter of the 40 dollars you owe me-
Allow me to abruptly change the subject. Do you fart in congested elevators?
When I'm not too busy burglaring ancient artifacts from Middle-Eastern museums of natural history.
SCROE! You are hereby under custody of the U.S. Depts. Of Import, Labor, Transportation and the FCC!
I knew I shouldn't have fed my last 2 remaining cyanide pills to those impoverished orphans.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-29-04
Now that I'm out of the "slammer" [slang], I can start fresh again! Hello bright, radiant freedom!
There's an extra fifty innit for ya' if you can work some sock puppets into the routine.

 

by ArtemisStrong
1-29-04
Do you see that effulgent gloss on all living things too, or is that just me?
You need to cut down on the 'shrooms.
Are there maggots/bark beetles nesting under your cutaneous layer as well?
You need to ease up on the amphetamines, pal.
Does the Will to Action imbue itself unerringly on your soul just as it does with me?
You should consider soberly not reading Nietzsche for, like, a month or so.

Showing page 4.

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