All comics by ComedyGeek

Profile

 

by ComedyGeek
8-26-09
M'am.. there's a sign outside that reads "Homemade 'Cookies' for sale!". Is it yours?
Why yes, officer, it is. I made it myself.
Is there some doubt as to whether or not what you are selling are, indeed, cookies?
No, of course not! They're perfectly normal chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. Would you like one?
No, m'am, I'm on duty. M'am, what are the quotes doing on that sign?
They emphasize the word "cookies" of course.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-26-09
M'am. quotes can only do two things : indicate that you're quoting someone else, or suggest that there's doubt about the word or phrase within the quotes.
I see. But I've seen other signs using quotes like mine does!
Doesn't make it right, m'am. I'm going to let you off with a warning this time, but fix that sign soon, OK?
I will, officer. And thank you.
No problem, m'am. It's all in a day's work for... THE GRAMMAR POLICE.
Oooh!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-27-09
Father, I.... don't think I can take any more of this.
Take faith, my son. We'll get through this together.
But Father... we've gone so far... and yet there's so much further to go!
You've got to hang on, son! We can make it!
But Father... TWO MORE WEEKS WITH NO DAILY SHOW/COLBERT!
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER SON! At least they warned us this time!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-28-09
So, Tommy... want to play with FIRE today?
NO. Doctor Simmons says I don't have to listen to you any more. Not if I take my pills.
Aw, come ON, Tommy. What about the people who HURT you? Don't you want to BURN THEM WITH FIRE?
Nuh-uh. Everyone gets hurts sometimes. That doesn't mean you go around burning people.
Sure thing, Tommy. Whatever you say. We can just play the "Hiding Fingers" game again...
OK, but I'm keeping my clothes on this time.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-29-09
I can't sleep, Doc. All I can think about is how everyone wants to eat me. Do you know how many animals eat rabbits? Not to mention humans!
Uh huh.
And it's all because I'm made of meat! Tasty, juicy, SUCCULENT meat!!
Mmm-hmm.
So what do you think, Doc?
I've never seen a more textbook case of someone with an Edible Complex.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-30-09
Uh... hey, sonny... you uh.... lookin to party?
I beg your pardon??
Uh... sucky dollar? round the world two?
What on earth are you talking about?
Look, it's been a long time since I did this. I'm just looking for some man action.
Oh! In that case, come back to my place and we'll get FREAKY, grandpa!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-31-09
How conservatives think
Studies show that the smarter people are, the less likely they are to be consevatives. There must be something wrong with...
...smart people.
Also, the more education they get, the less likely they are to be conservatives. Must be something wrong with...
...education.
In fact, it seems the more people know about reality, the less likely they are to be conservatives. Clearly, the problem lies in...
...reality.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-01-09
Now, the Cobb salad... do you want that with cracked black pepper, or without?
Surprise me.
I FUCK YOUR CHILDREN'S BLOOOOOOOOOOD!
Aaaaaaaaaagh!!!
And the dessert... with nuts, or without?
......without.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-02-09
"At last, my Nuclear Poutine is almost complete, and with it I shall rule... THE WORLD!"
"I'm going to have to ask you to please stop that, sir!"
We'll be right back with the exciting conclusion to Canadian spy thriller "The Spy Who Thanked Me".
Stop him, Jean Bonde!

 

by ComedyGeek
9-03-09
Say mister, is that your spaceship there?
Sure is. Ain't she a beauty? You should have seen her before I crashed.
Is that why all the grownups are acting weird?
Yup. My ship is putting out a harmless field that makes adult sentients come and repair it. Don't worry, it can't effect you. You're too young for it.
They don't look like they're fixing anything. They look more like they're.... wrestling.
Fucking cheap Betelgeusian repair fields! Uh, you're probably too young for this, too.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-04-09
And all our combos come with fries!
You know, when they first became popular, they were called "French fried potatoes".
Then they got shortened to just "French fries" and now they're just "fries". I guess in the future we'll call them just "fr". After that, just a vague grunting noise.
And after that... well I guess we'll just have to give them up, won't we?

 

by ComedyGeek
9-05-09
I sold my precious watch in order to buy you a comb for you long, long hair!
And I sold most of my long, long hair to buy you a fob for your precious watch!
Oh well. Let's hock them both and go get wasted.
Fuckin-A.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-06-09
In other news, today is Labour Day, which is celebrated by not doing any labour.
For this reason, a group calling themselves the Air Quotes is circulating a petition to have it renamed "Irony Day".
And a conservative group has released a statement asking that the other 364 days of the year be renamed "Giving A Shit About Others" Day.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-07-09
Excuse me, sir. If you could kill only one of the following people, who would it be : Hitler, or a pedophile?
Hitler at what point in history?

 

by ComedyGeek
9-08-09
So I sez to him, "Cholly, being a mutant is no excuze for zhis bull shit...
Hey you! Asshole! Move, I gotta plant a flag there!
"You makin uz look bad, ya know Cholly? Put that thing back in your pantz, and..."
Yo, fucknuts! Shut your disgusting pie hole and move your unspeakable carcass out of my way before I kick your asshole inside out!
Escuze me mizz, I must melt thiz little plaztic man wizz my lazer fish.
Or I could put the flag here. Here is good.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-09-09
"Stereotypes. They hurt everybody. But there's one you don't hear about at all : the idea that all gay men are neat and fashionable. "
Uh oh.
"Some of us are slobs. Some of us have no sense of fashion. And some of us don't give a shit about Barbara Streisand. "
YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
"So before you go assuming you know what to buy your gay friend, or who to ask about what to wear, remember : we're not all like that."
Suddenly I feel better about my sloppy credenza.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-10-09
Hi there folks. Name's Josh. I'll take this pause between customers to thank the fellow members of my generation for all they've done.
You see, my parents had to work hard in order to get ahead in their jobs.
But thanks to the bad attitudes of my peers, all I have to do is show up when I'm scheduled and do my job, and I'm employee of the month.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-10-09
Seriously. I mean, I've only worked here at the Coffee Klatch for three months, and I'm already Asisstant Manager. I figure in a year, I'll own this place.
So thanks, folks, for lowering the bar so low that my vague sense of responsibility and duty maks me a goddamned superhero.
Everything OK, Josh? Because honestly... the way you always come in on time... and do what I tell you to do... without even COMPLAINING... *sob*...
We've been over this, Mister Jenkins. You have to stop doing this. You're embarrassing me.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-11-09
Honey, is it OK if I go have a few drinks with Bob and Danny?
Sure honey.... do whatever you want.
Really? Well, in that case I think we'll stop off to pick up some hookers on the way, and maybe score some crack.
Uh huh,.
Plus, I'm gonna bang your sister, get three huge dogs you'll have to take care of, and tattoo the words 'FUCK WORK' on my forehead.
Mmm-hmm.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-11-09
And I'm joining a band called the Death Vomiters. We'll be practicing in the living room. They just got out of prison. Not a problem, right?
Nope.
Oh, and I'm buying a big-screen TV for the living room.
The hell you are.
Damn! I was so close!
Yeah. Nice try.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-12-09
A famous starlet, found horribly murdered. Could the culprit be her husband/manager? Yes. Tonight, on Solved Mysteries!
I like that show. It has closure.
Then, the mystery of the disappearing cave paintings is solved by... Cro-Magnon, P.I.!
Primitive entertainment.
And then, on "How To Do It", we learn how to make orange juice concentrate.
Easy, just tell it "Focus! Pay attention, damn you!".

 

by ComedyGeek
9-13-09
Are you sure you're OK over there, Jesus?
Oh, I'm fine. I like it here, just hanging out, nails through my hands, dying for your sins.
No, seriously, is there anything I can get you?
Like a crowbar, maybe? No, no, I'll just die a slow, horrible death, my body gaunt and racked. I'll try to be quiet about it.
Jesis, you're such a martyr.
Well duh. By the way, I can see your monitor from here. Nice job racking up the sins for me to die for.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-14-09
JENKINS! Are you slacking off in here again?
No, sir. Just maximizing my profits.
I beg your pardon?
See, my pay is my revenue. My labour is my expense. So I'm doing my duty to my shareholder(me) to maximize profit by doing the least work for the most money.
That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!
What are you, some kinda communist?

 

by ComedyGeek
9-15-09
Today at Ginormous Labs, we are testing our translation robot, Translo's, ability to translate what people really mean. Ready, Translo?
Affirmative.
That woman is cheap.
TRANSLATION : I wouldn't have to spend much money on her in order to secure sexual intercourse.
That man is cheap.
TRANSLATION : He seems unwilling to spend much money in the hopes of securing sexual intercourse with me, thus implying that I am cheap.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-16-09
Heya, Hank!
Hi there Petunia.
I'm gonna invent the world's first high-fibre coffee.
Oh?
It'll be called Regular Joe.
Of course it will.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-17-09
Tonight on "I Talk To Famous People", we interview Congressdog Blooie, leader of the Blue Dog Democrats
Blooie, besides the obvious, what makes you a "Blue Dog" Democrat?
The fact that I'm really a Republican who just wanted to stand a chance of winning in the last election.
Almost everyone who voted for you in the last election also voted for Obama. Why, then, do you oppose him now?
Hey, how was I supposed to know the guy wanted to CHANGE anything?
How do you respond to the polls that say 71 percent of Americans are FOR the public option?
Too bad for them 71 percent of the money is AGAINST it!

 

by ComedyGeek
9-18-09
Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?
Wha?
*ahem* EXCUSE me sir. Can I HELP you?
'sno good man, speak up.
I SAID, EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?
I WANT TO BUY YOUR LOUDEST STEREO!

 

by ComedyGeek
9-19-09
Hi, and welcome back to the Newsbeat this October 17, 2125.
And now, the weather.
The weather today is expected to be dark brown with a chance of mottled purple later in the evening. Winds will be gusting between "bone breaking" and "eviscerating".
Acid storms will be mild, but large oxygen holes are expected to move into the area this afternoon, so be sure to pack extra rebreather cartidges.
In a completely unrelated story, industrial leaders continue to insist that global warming is a myth.
"We're still waiting for all the science to come in. " claimed one leader from his orbital hydroponic garden.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-20-09
Hank tries video dating
Hi, I'm Aaron, and I'm a mature...
Translation: old.
..man with Euopean manners...
Does not bathe.
..who seeks a discreet relationship....
Cheap, meaningless sex while the wife's at her mother's .

 

by ComedyGeek
9-21-09
Honey, what was that stuff you put in my lunch Thermos yesterday?
Well, what did it look like?
I plead the Fifth. Now what was it?
Did you eat it?
Honey, I don't eat anything that looks like that unless I know what went into it, or what it came out of.
Coward. It was Spam Gumbo.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-22-09
Welcome back to Ginormous Labs. Ready for another translation test, Translo?
Indeed.
I'm looking for a guy with a great sense of humour.
TRANSLATION : I'm looking for a partner who makes me laugh.
I'm looking for a gal with a great sense of humour.
TRANSLATION : I'm looking for a partner whom I make laugh.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-23-09
Science officer's log, stardate : noonish. Have acquired suitable specimen for the Doctor's research.
HEY MISTER WHATCHOO DOIN IS THAT A CELL PHONE CAUSE I GOT A GUY I FUCK FOR MINUTES
It seems our fears were unfounded. This single specimen will undoubtedly hold the strain needed to cure Lt. Minder's unfortunate condition.
WHO YOU TALKING TO THERE IS NOBODY HERE ARE YOU CRAZY CAUSE MY FRIEND LEWIS IS CRAZY AND NOT EVEN REAL
Amazingly, this one human contains multiple strains of all known human venereal disease, and some found only in aquatic mammals.
I LIKE TUNA DO YOU I LIKE IT LIKE I LIKE MY DOG AND MY CAT AND MY DEVILFISH AND...

 

by ComedyGeek
9-24-09
Comedy Hell
And now, the Singing Prop Comic!
The "All You Should Eat" restuant
I'm sorry, sir, but you really shouldn't have another helping.
Well this was a bad idea.
An Awkward Moment
Thank you, I'd like to thank the person without whom my Olympic victory would never have been possible... Satan, my Lord and Master.
Hiya.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-25-09
And now, our daily movie, sponsored by the Exploding Candy Co., who remind you "Revenge is Sweet!".
Especially when served cold. Mmm, revenge flavoured ice cream.
Today's movie is "The Horse Whisperer".
Oh, I've been meaning to see this. I know the cow who did the catering.
"What? What are you saying? Speak up, dammit, I'm a horse not an elephant. "
Why is the horse Jewish?

 

by ComedyGeek
9-26-09
Another day at Ginormous Labs
... and this is where we make one of our fastest-growing drugs, Rechitrex.
Gee Doc, what does that do?
Nothing good, I assure you. It causes headaches, nausea, blurred vision. hot flashes, and biblical incontinence.
Wow, Doc, what's THAT for?
The main intended effect is to make the patient glad he doesn't have to take in any more.
Makes sense.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-27-09
This one is a little trickier, Translo. Are you ready to proceed?
Adjusting performance assumptions. Affirmative.
Wow, what a sexy "bad boy"!
TRANSLATION : This person obviously does not care what others think of him. How sexy!
Gross, what a nerd!
TRANSLATION : This person obviously does not care what others think of him. How repulsive!

 

by ComedyGeek
9-28-09
No, really, they look fine.
Really? You don't think my wings are getting too shiny? I don't want to look tacky.
They're fine. Seriously, you're the vainest person I've ever met.
Well appearances count! Half the reason people don't like us is that we don't put forth a polished, professional appearance.
Yeah, and the other half is that we're horrible mutant freaks of irresponsible genetic experimentation.
Well we can at least meet people halfway!

 

by ComedyGeek
9-29-09
To the tune of "Fascination" by Human League
Deep feeling, constipation, nothing’s moving, feels so ba-ad
Deep feeling, constipation, my ass is burning, I’m so sa-ad!
To the tune of "Super Trooper" by ABBA
Pooper scooper, or they're gonna fine you, clean up all my poo, something I can't do, but somewhere close behind is you!
Pooper scooper, or they're gonna fine you, dog doo is no fun, clean up when I'm done/ unless it's just a Number One !
To the tune of "PEaceful, Easy Feeling" by the Eagles
'cause I got a grease-full, queasy feeling, and I know I won't keep it down, cause some's already laying... on the ground.

 

by ComedyGeek
9-30-09
MUA HA HA HA! Finally, my unpeaskable minions can break into this dimentions and spread degradation and horror willy-nilly!
Not so fast, Puke of the Damned!
What do you mean, you juicy and pliant boy?
You are already defeated, devil-snot, because I've already alerted O.D.I.N,!
HORRIFYING SCREAM! Curse their gametes, we are undone before we are begun!
And so ends all of evil's myriad incursions against decency and wholesomeness.... thanks to O.D.I.N.!

 

by ComedyGeek
10-01-09
Don't touch that dial... we'll be back to "Bukkake Night In Canada" right after these messages!
Great. I hope they don't clean the ice during the ads.
This holiday, get your man the ultimate gragrance for men... get him what he really wants... get him... LAID.
You know, declaring to to be the holidays earlier and earlier in the year doesn't actually make people spend more, people. It just pisses people off.
And what could be more fun this holidays then going to see Tim Allen in "The Grandfather Clause".
I don't know, maybe rectal surgery via chainsaw?

 

by ComedyGeek
10-02-09
Hey there folks! Your ever-loving Comedy Geek, author of this strip, is here with some bad news.
Hank Watches Television is going to be suspended for a few days while I'm on vacation at a local sci-fi con.
Don't worry, Hank will be back on Monday. Until then, remember what our friend from Strip 33 says...
Cunt the shit of a fuck!

 

by ComedyGeek
10-05-09
Greetings, sir. It is good to see you again.
Who are... good gravy, is that you, Lurlene?
Yes, it is I. I am pleased that you remember me.
Uh, sure, I remember you. You just look so different now without the... um.... that is, without your uh...
...tattoos and nipple piercings?
Uh, yeah. Thanks. I was never going to figure out a polite way to say that.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-05-09
You will be pleased to know that I have forsaken my previous heathen ways.
I will?
Yes. I now walk the righteous path of faith in our Lord and subservience to my lawful husband.
How.... nice for you?
DAMN IT, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
WHO SAID I WANTED ANYTHING? AND WHY ARE WE YELLING NOW?

 

by ComedyGeek
10-06-09
NO! I don't BELIEVE you! EVERYBODY wants something from me! Even when they say they don't, they do!
...
The farmer wants me to be a champion milker! OK! The girl wants me to be a number one show cow! Sure! Why not? My fiance wants me to be the perfect little church cow! Fine! Whatever!
But...
So don't go telling me you don't want anything from me, because I know better! So just tell me what it is, and I'll do it, OK?
My word, I had no idea what she was going through.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-07-09
So just tell me what you want from me already! FUCK!
OK.. number one... I need you to calm down, OK? Just take a few long deep breaths...
*heeee* *hoooo* *heeeeeee* *hooooooo* OK... now what?
Now listen closely to what I am saying... I don't want anything from you. I don't care about milk or shows, and you know I'm gay, so you know I don't want you for sex, right?
Yeah but.... I mean... you're a bull... and if you don't...
It's a lot to take in, I know, But trust me... you don't have to do anything for me, OK? You don't have to prove anything to me either.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-07-09
Now I'm gonna wander over to the pond and chat with Petunia. You stay here, and calm down, then come tell me what you think...
I think.....
I think I'm.... IN LOVE!

 

by ComedyGeek
10-08-09
Later tonight, we talk with Lon Chare, inventor of the latest fitness craze, "Fuckercise"...
Sheesh, Lurlene is a head case. Glad I got out of that situation.
Then, it's family fun as two break and enter artists get caught in the act on live TV on "Bait House"...
I mean, what do I care if some silly cow had a head full of issues and a bad personality?
Then it's modern literature and furniture care with Millie the Maid on "Waxing Poetic"...
She'll move on and forget all about me and I can go back to.... this.

 

by ComedyGeek
10-09-09
Oh hey, um.... it's Petunia, right? Uhm... how long have you known Hank?
Oh, I dunno. A long time. Why do you want to know?
Uh, no reason, just.... listen, has he always been, uh....
Gay? Oh yeah. He's a real frooty toot. Never been anything else.
I... see. I guess that makes sense.
How come you're interested in Hank all of a sudden?

 

by ComedyGeek
10-09-09
Oh, no reason, just... we live on the same farm... figured I should... anyhow. I'm gonna go talk to him again.
Okay then. Seeya later Lurlene.
You ain't foolin' nobody, chickie. Hank better watch out!

 

by ComedyGeek
10-11-09
Uh, hey, Hank.
Hi Lurlene. Now, don't you feel better now that you've had some time to calm down and think things over?
Uh huh. And I think I've figured something out.
Oh? Do tell?
I WANNA BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
You WHAT?!?

Showing page 4.

« Previous Next »