All comics by UnknownEric

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by UnknownEric
4-26-03
With the first pick in the draft, the Baltimore Stripcreators would like to select TOBOR, Tight End from Farmer's University of Central Kentucky.
*APPLAUSE*
Thank you! Thank you! I promise all the fans that next season, I will CORNHOLE THE OPPOSITION! RAAAAAAR!

 

by UnknownEric
4-26-03
Would you like to take the bull by the horns?
Oh for cripes sake, I'm so tired of all those tired cliches that people trot out without thinking.
But...
I mean, show some originality for once. Don't rely on tired catchphrases, just say what you mean.
I guess nobody wants to take you up on your offer.

 

by UnknownEric
4-26-03
Dum dum duh duh-duh duh duh duh duh...
I don't believe in reincarnation, because I refuse to be born again as a snake or a bug.
You're a real up person.
...dum dum duh-duh-duh duh duh duh duh (sqwonk)

 

by UnknownEric
5-02-03
Moe Sekshul, an unsuspecting Earthling from Pittsburgh enters the woods to enjoy the illicit pleasures of a marijuana cigarette.
Smokin' doobs, doobs, doobs...
Little does he know that Mr. D.E. Machina plans to use him to resurrect one of the great failed experiments in comic book history.
Who smokes the doobs? I smoke the doobs.
No. Not Cloak and Dagger.
Are you sure? Dagger was pretty fuckin' hot and shit...

 

by UnknownEric
5-02-03
MOE SEKSHUL!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, MAN!
Hey, that kinda language is not necessary.
No, but it's fun.
You got me there.

 

by UnknownEric
5-02-03
Moe, I am giving you the power of the Star Brand.
The power of Elton Brand?
No, you dumbass, the Star Brand. Don't you remember the New Universe?
Holy shit. I hope Spitfire shows up soon cause she was pretty hot.
And I chose this boy why?

 

by UnknownEric
5-06-03
Hey baby, you ever been with a man with a huge set of encyclopedias. Reference only, of course.
Let's go browse the HQs and see if we get any ideas, if you know what I mean...
Don't worry, baby... I won't "shush" you if things get loud...

 

by UnknownEric
5-06-03
I'm an unemployed librarian. Wanna "give me a job"... uhh... "indexing" your "files?" Uhh... baby...
*Physician's Desk Reference
You got an infectious disease? Well, excuse me while I whip out my PDR*...
I'm not getting laid tonight, am I?
No.

 

by UnknownEric
5-06-03
Can I catalog your softcover?
The closed stacks are pretty empty this time of night, if you know what I mean...
Sure, I'll look up your ancestors in the census... if you'll let me look up your dress...

 

by UnknownEric
5-11-03
In the "Danger Room," Professor Xavier recieves a desperate call for help...
Oh my! President Bush has been injected with hyper drugs and is on a rampage in the streets of D.C.! But all of the X-Men are out on assignment!
Wait! Who are you?
I'm Peter Puffer, The Sparktacular Doobie Man.
Suddenly I have a craving for Funyuns.
Aah, you've discovered my mutant power.

 

by UnknownEric
5-11-03
Hmm, so Professor X just dumps me in the middle of D.C. with no map and no idea of where the Prez is, and I have to find him?
Man, this could turn out to me my hardest mission yet.
Or not.
RAAAR! IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING? RAAAR!

 

by UnknownEric
5-11-03
RAAR! IF WE DON'T SUCCEED, WE RUN THE RISK OF FAILURE! RAAR!
Stop, Mr. President! Stop the madness!
Who in blazes are you?!?
I am Peter Puffer, better known as DOOBIE MAN!
Why are my Yale years suddenly flooding back to me?

 

by UnknownEric
5-11-03
Doobie Man, even though you mellowed me out and saved Washington, I'm still going to have to arrest you for drug possession!
Are you kidding? You can't do that!
Naah, I'm just kidding. I'm grateful for what you've done.
Phew. So I'm not under arrest?
Well, yeah, you are. War on drugs, y'know.
Bummer.

 

by UnknownEric
5-17-03
Hark! What light through yonder window breaks?
Show us your tits!

 

by UnknownEric
5-19-03
Alas, young harlot, have thee my dosh?
Nay, vile pimp. I used my earnings to pay for my father's kidney stone operation.
Ah! Heatheness! 50% of those earnings were to be mine! We had a contract!
I thought you would react thusly. Therefore, before I confronted you, I killed your partner, Yorick.
You... blech... what??? You killed Yorick???
Do the words "autoerotic asphyxiation" mean anything to you?

 

by UnknownEric
5-19-03
I... I just can't believe you murdered my best friend and business partner!
Hey, all's fair in whoring and war.
What did you do with the body?
Well, I have his skeleton right here. Hang on.
*Sigh* Poor Yorick.
MOH!

 

by UnknownEric
5-19-03
Alas, poor Yorick, I knew thee well. Someday I hope to join thee again, in the afterworld, where all of our pleasures shall be ours for eternity.
Pleasures? Like what?
*psst psst psst*
You sick bastard.

 

by UnknownEric
5-19-03
Now, you who are unfit for any place but hell, it is your turn to get your just desserts.
Wait! I've learned my lesson, m'lady. I shall never pimp again. You are free from my grasp.
Ah, you have come to your senses. Fair thee well, young Spamlet.
Then, since this is Shakespeare, everybody died.
*plop*
*plop*

 

by UnknownEric
5-20-03
If you stay-ay-ay, I'd subtract twenty ye-eeeeeee-ars from my life...
You're only nineteen!
Huh? Wha?
You're only nineteen. If you subtracted twenty years from your life, you'd be negative one.
Oh. Good point. Forget that one. Instead, here's my version of "Summer of 69!"
*sigh*

 

by UnknownEric
5-22-03
Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?
Yeah, you animal killers, you can stop serving dead flesh in your restaurant.
Actually, all of our products are made of synthetic rubber and nylon.
So can I put you down for a Filet O'Fysh?

 

by UnknownEric
5-30-03
Where has my career gone? Three years ago I was king of the Matadors, stealer of hearts, collector of panties...
Now they got me down in AA, bullfighting in small towns for chump change.
Guess I'll take what I can get.
Shut up and wave the cape, bitch.

 

by UnknownEric
5-31-03
What's wrong, Mr. Jesus?
I got a real bad feeling, kid, like ultimate doom is upon us.
Oh, Mr. Jesus, it's a beautiful day. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming. Be happy!
You're probably right, kid. Thanks.
And a poll of American people today shows that 98% of the public believe that Creed is the greatest band in history.
Hah! I knew it!

 

by UnknownEric
5-31-03
I have a wicked plan to bring ultimate doom to the Earth, Scotty.
Tell me more! Tell me more!
Two words, Scotty...
Carrot Top.
Wow, I never knew you were THAT evil.

 

by UnknownEric
6-02-03
I'm a breast man, myself.
Nah, nah... it's gotta be the thigh!
Oh, you guys are disgusting. Pigs!
The perils of discussing chicken meat preference.
She must be a vegetarian.
Yeah.

 

by UnknownEric
6-12-03
Stephen! I just found out that Myhand Enterprises is about to attempt a hostile takeover of Myjohnson Corp!
No kidding, Mr. Stankovich?
What I need you to do is find out as much about Myjohnson as possible. I want you to get close, study it in depth, and do what needs to be done!
Do you think you can handle that?
I'm on that like Myhand on Myjohnson!

 

by UnknownEric
6-18-03
*DING DONG*
Merry Christmas!
Christmas? You green-hued eunuch fool, it's the middle of June! You're only 6 months too late... or early...
So you don't want your vibrating ass carrot?
And a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

by UnknownEric
6-18-03
Let's see... that rare Razorcuts b-side? Nope. How about The Boy Hairdressers? Nope.
What are you doing?
Searching for ultraobscure 80s indiepop on Kazaa.
Words can't even describe how bizarre you are, Eric.
Let's try Jesse Garon and the Desperados. Nope.

 

by UnknownEric
6-20-03
TOBOR WILL WATCH TV TO PASS TIME.
In other news today, President Bush has vowed to seek out and destroy all Weapons of Mass Destruction.
WHAT? BUSH THREATENS TOBOR'S WEAPONS OF ASS DESTRUCTION?
"My fellow Amurkans, I vow to defeat all tourists..."
TOBOR WILL TEACH BUSH NOT TO MESS WITH HIM.
"...and rid the world of weapons of ass destruction..."

 

by UnknownEric
6-20-03
...and we, the non evil-doers, will rid this world of the evil of the Axis of Evil, who do EVIL...
RAAAAR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
Wha...? Why... Why that's the best re-election slogan I've heard yet!!!
RAA... HUH? RE-ERECTION?
Hold on a minute... John... John!! Quit masturbating on the Bill of Rights!

 

by UnknownEric
6-20-03
AHH, TOBOR WILL RELAX AFTER HIS BEWILDERING D.C. TRIP WITH SOME TELEVISION.
...and remember kids, vote Republican this fall or TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
WHAT!?! TOBOR CORNHOLES EVERYONE, REGARDLESS OF POLITICAL AFFILIATION!
paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect The President...
THAT'S IT. TOBOR IS ON A CORNHOLING RAMPAGE AND IT'S STARTIN' AT REPUBLICAN NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS...
...stay tuned for a special all-new Fear Factor, as B-list celebrities eat their own livers for the chance to be on prime time...

 

by UnknownEric
6-24-03
It's my 77th birthday, and I want to celebrate by doing something I've never done before! Give me some ideas, okay?
Have you ever stuck a gerbil in your ass?
Have you ever gone skydiving?
Have you ever tasted demon cock?
And of course, I picked the wrong one...
Yeah, skydiving's a bitch...

 

by UnknownEric
6-26-03
These are actual reference questions. Names have been eliminated to protect the stupid and insane.
Hi, can I help you?
Yes, I'd like to know who invented the automobile... Henry Ford or me?
Hi, can I help you?
Yes, I need information to prove my theory that dentists are trying to take over Baltimore and rename all of the monuments after teeth.
Hi, can I help you?
Yes, I need to trace my genealogy. My family's originally from a secret city under the Atlantic Ocean.

 

by UnknownEric
6-27-03
RAAAAAR!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
Hey, it's a good thing for you that the Supreme Court just struck down anti-sodomy laws.
WHAT!?!? SO... IT'S LEGAL FOR TOBOR TO CORNHOLE NOW?
Yep. Aren't you thrilled?
But... this takes away all of Tobor's outlaw mystique!
If it makes you feel better, you can smoke a doobie while you do it.

 

by UnknownEric
6-27-03
6/27/03 at approx. 9:30 am
So I should come to your department and ask for that particular issue.
Yes, ma'am.
So if I want THAT particular issue, I ask for it in your department.
Yes.
So if I come to your department and ask for that particular issue...
Kill me now.

 

by UnknownEric
7-08-03
Hello, Gwendolyn. I suppose you're back seeking forgiveness for your numerous infidelities and indiscretions with other men... those with Scottish accents, kilts and a thing for bagpipes.
Actually, I have a favor to ask you. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness for what I have done and frankly, I don't care. Francis is a much better lover than you ever were, but I need something.
Ha! I will not give you anything, you devious harlot. Lure me in with your beauty and charm, only to run around on me at every possible chance. I am a shell of a man because of you, Gwennie.
No, you're a shell of a man because you spend your days and nights obsessing over used Atari cartridges and the discography of Game Theory. Come out into the real world sometime, Glen.
Bah! I must flout my individuality and my love of retro chic to show the world that I am a nonconformist. Leave now before I pelt you with Go-Bots, you mainstream wench.
Jeez. Fine then, I'll go borrow Ginny's sex swing.

 

by UnknownEric
7-09-03
7/9/03 at 10 am.
Hello, Public Library. Can I help you?
Yes, could you mail me a copy of an article from the Sun newspaper about my retirement home? It was printed on May 3, 1996 in the Maryland section.
Certainly, ma'am. What is your address?
Oh. Umm... Oh. I'm not sure.
That might make it hard for me to mail the article.
I'm somewhere in Baltimore, does that help?

 

by UnknownEric
7-10-03

 

by UnknownEric
7-10-03

 

by UnknownEric
7-10-03

 

by UnknownEric
7-10-03
fap fap fap fap fap...
SPLOOOGE...
You missed.
Did he?

 

by UnknownEric
7-14-03

 

by UnknownEric
7-14-03
Stripcreator's been shut down! Oh my God, what will I do with my spare time?
Let's search the web. What's this? Dripcreator.com. Make this virtual faucet drip at various speeds.
Holy crap, I am SO all about that...

 

by UnknownEric
7-14-03
Will work for food.
Seriously.

 

by UnknownEric
7-14-03
You're cute.
*sigh* So I'm supposed to bow to your misogynist, white male desires and tag along with you to some bar or movie just because of some baseless physical attraction?
It would be quite efficacious for you to rethink your traditional beliefs on how relationships work in this modern society.
You're cute.

 

by UnknownEric
7-18-03
Hey, Rog. What's been up with you?
Not much, Chris, not much. Say, thanks for agreeing to this reunion tour. Even without Gene and Mike, I think it'll be just like old times.
Urrr... just like old times? Rog, the old times sucked. How many times did we break up? How many arguments and fights did we have?
Alright, alright. It'll be just like good, new times.
By the way, where's Crosby?
Passed out in a pool of his own urine. Why do you ask?

 

by UnknownEric
7-22-03
I love this website.
They have the best money shots.
Look at that twenty.

 

by UnknownEric
7-28-03
...and so, in honor of Unknown Eric's birthday, I am hereby naming August 10th, National Cynicism Day!
Here with more information on this historic day is Andy Antagonist.
Cynicism is so fucking lame.

 

by UnknownEric
8-04-03
Dick Laurent is dead.
Hey, isn't that Marilyn Manson?
Dick Laurent is dead.

 

by UnknownEric
8-07-03
What are you so upset about?
Dude, I went on Stripcreator today and saw that the new contest was called "Here Comes The Summer" and that series were welcome...
Yeah, so?
Well, before reading the rest of the rules, I went and made 67 comics involving The Undertones.
What?

 

by UnknownEric
8-07-03
Good evening and welcome to UnknownEric's 200th Strip Celebration! Let's look at highlights of his stripping career, shall we?
Ah, here's one of his early "Squirrel and Cowboy" strips...
What is your feeling on this particular issue of interest to pseudo-intellectuals?
Well, Nutboy, allow me to give a long winded explanation of my stand, followed by a cheap dick joke.
And look who dropped by to make a guest appearance... TOBOR! And Snoop Dogg!
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CONGRATULATE YOU ON 200 CORNY JOKES!
Unknownizzle to the Erizzle.

Showing page 4.

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