All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
5-19-02
Cowdjinn! It was horrible! I was sent to hell for not having any corn and was forced to be the love slave of a gigantic, gay cigarette!
Oh my gosh! However did you esecape?
How did I... uh... you know, you'd think I could remember something like that...
You can't remember because you DIDN'T escape. You're still there.
This is really starting to piss me off...
Lick my firey red butt! LICK IT!

 

by Scyess
5-19-02
At last! Samantha! It's so nice to see a friendly face!! I think I was sent here by mistake and sexually abused by a talking cigarette!
*growl* Hi, there, Jon. Welcome to *smack* Hades.
...or, rather, the face of a friend, if not a particuarly "friendly face." hehe
In case *slurp* you wonder why you're here, *grunt* it's because you haven't *snarl* paid me back that $5 you *drool* borrowed two weeks ago.
You mean YOU broght me here? And if I just give you the $5 I can leave?
Well, *snort* that WAS the case before someone forgot that I can read thoughts. *gurgle*

 

by Scyess
5-19-02
...so it turns out she'd called in a favor and had me sent to Hades and tortured because of the five bucks I owed her.
Harsh.
Then after she read my thoughts, she left me there to be abused by that giant cigarette for a few weeks for being such a smartass.
Damn, that's rough. But I doubt your boss will buy that as an excuse for missing a month of work.
Want to know what the hell they're talking about? Go back and read the rest of the series! I'm sick of explaining it.
And she almost had me thinking it was because I wasn't a corn farmer!
You should stop borrowing money from Demonic Sub-Creatures.

 

by Scyess
5-19-02
Hi there, handsome. Why don't you ride my hot booty to cumville? I promise you can smoke MY stogie for hours.
Holy cows, buddy. You are such a flaming fag!
This joke is funny in Britain. No, really.
Dagnabit, shoulda crushed those prissy tea-sippers in '45 when we had the chance.

 

by Scyess
5-19-02
Hey, Cowdjinn. Is there anything left to drink?
I think there are a few Cokes in the 'fridge.
Oh, you're right! Thanks. **pssht**
Oh, just make sure you don't accidentally take that can of Whoop Ass by mistake!
...and that's what happened. I swear.
Really? 'cause I heard that cute girl down the block beat you up again.

 

by Scyess
5-19-02
You mean you never thought about the nature of the universe? It's so important! Is there a God? What does he want? Who is he?
Yeah, you're right... there are so many possibilities.
Is there one God, or a pantheon? Is Jesus the son of God, or just a prophet? Or a glory hound? Who was Buddah? Is he truly the Way?
And how do we really know which is the best way to worship God? Is there a devine plan? Where is it taking us? Man, Earl, there's so many possibilities!
Meanwhile, in God's room...
Darn it, Jehovah, I told you to turn off that darned thing and come down to dinner!
Coming, Ma! This SimCreation game is getting pretty boring, anyway.

 

by Scyess
5-21-02
No no no! That won't stimulate growth, it will just cost taxpayers millions and take land from the public parks!
I don't think you understand the nuances of my proposal. It will create an economic zone in deprived areas.
**sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss**
But at what cost? The land -- **hack cough cough**
By just scaling back slightly the -- *cough choke wheeze hack cough**
I don't get it. What does it mean that the city has created a Gas Chamber of Commerce?
I'm not really sure, but I hope they can get George Bush as a guest speaker.

 

by Scyess
5-21-02
Hhmmm... What should I have for lunch... the leftover chicken or the leftover turkey?
Oh, by the way, Jon, I've just been diagnosed with a disease that requires me to keep large volumes of my own urine and feces in the refrigerator. Hope you don't mind.
Hhmmm... what kind of new refrigerator should I purchase... Whirlpool or Kennmore?
Oh, by the way, don't open anything off the third shelf or anything in a brown paper bag!

 

by Scyess
5-21-02
dum dum de dum...
hmm hmm hmm... high hopes.... hm hm hm... high hopes...
I got them... HIGH apple... PIE in the... SKYYYYY HOPES!!!
YYEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!
...anyway, I think they're serious about the rule against bursting out in song in the library.
Maybe if you could just refrain from tap-dancing on top of the card catalog...

 

by Scyess
5-21-02
hmm... doobie doobie do...
doobie doobie... feeeeelings...
FEEEEEEEELINGS OF LOOOOOOVVEE!!!!!
YYEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!
Why the hell did you do that?? We're not in a library or anything!
THAT one was for your taste in music. Now if you excuse me, I think I hear some Don Ho on the other side of this wall...

 

by Scyess
5-21-02
o/` "ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL SELL MY SOUL AND LET 'EM FIND OUT WHAT THEY BOUGHT! ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL BLOW MY BRAINS OUT ON TV!!!" o/`
*ahem* um, o/` "Like a virgin, hey! Touched for the..." o/` -- Oh, Cowdjinn... I didn't see you there.
Geez... what a poof.
( o/` "one of these days, yeah, one of these days..." o/` )

 

by Scyess
5-21-02
Tataki, sometimes I get the feeling you don't really care about me at all.
What? No, Jon. It's not that I don't care, it's just... well...
...ah, fuck it.

 

by Scyess
5-21-02
AAAHHHH!! I'm bald!
*click*
Hehe, that's pretty neat, huh?
Yeah! Now let me try one.
*click*
oo... that's pretty good.
Thank you.

 

by Scyess
5-22-02
I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! Tonight I will...
Stop right there, buddy. I'm Jewish.
Uh... then, er... I AM THE SPIRIT OF CHANNUKA PAST!
Sorry, but Channuka is one of our least significant holidays. The only reason anyone cares about it is that it comes around Christmas time.
Umm... I am the hallucination caused by drinking Everclear straight from the bottle!
Well, all right then.

 

by Scyess
5-23-02
Yep, Mr. President. For all the good we've done for society, I think my group deserves a little more attention!
We're very active in good causes such as free daycare centers and Boy Scouts. American values. I think you can slip our proposal into your next bill, don't you?
I'm sorry, I just don't think the NAMBLA vote is big enough to justify granting every adult male in the US his own 12-year-old boy-slave.
Well, maybe some of us can share one. Just think it over!

 

by Scyess
5-28-02
...so then I said, "No way!" and he said, "No, really!" So I said, "Really?" And he said "Yeah!" So I said "No way!" and he said, "You just said that"...
...so I said, "So?" and he goes, "What do you mean 'so'?" So I say, "Just what I said: 'so.'" And he says, "So what?" And I say, "Exactly..."
Okay! Shut up! I can't take it anymore! Do you think I care? I'm a ROCK! Why are standing in the middle of nowhere talking to a ROCK?
Well, I figured I could finish this story for once if I told it to an inanimate object...
Well, you were wrong. I've been a rock for 200 million years, and I've never been this bored. I'd kick your ass if it didn't take 3 million years of geothermal pressure for me to get over there.

 

by Scyess
5-28-02
So I'm mostly granite, with maybe a vein of copper or two. (heh) How about you, sweet thing? What's under that beautiful ignious surface?
Maybe if I pretend I can't hear him he'll go away.

 

by Scyess
5-28-02
Hello! I have journeyed many months and climbed to the top of this great mountain to seek the wise philosopher who sits here. Are you he?
Yes, I am he.
Then come forth! I wish to learn the wisdom you have gained from your many years of soiltary thought.
Lesson #1: Never climb to a remote, barren mountain top with no food or water.
Wait... let me get my pen.

 

by Scyess
5-29-02
Hey, Jon, ever hear of the game called "silence?" It's when the opponents see who can go longest without talking or moving. Want to play?
Uh, sure, I guess.
Great. Your opponent will be a stand-up cardboard horse. The winner gets to have dinner with me. I'll see you later...
Wha-- um, wait a second...
By this point I have to ask myself whether I really want to have dinner with her anymore, or would I rather make her have to date a cardboard horse...

 

by Scyess
5-29-02
...and make sure you dispose of the rest in a sanitary manner. And that's how you de-bone a chicken. Are there any questions?
Cowboy Jim, isn't the chicken supposed to be dead before you start?
What were those funny words you were screaming at it? ________________ Why did that chicken look like a golden retriever?
Woah, there, pardners. One at a time.

 

by Scyess
5-30-02
I'm really stiff today, Cowdjinn. Would you mind walking on my back?
Um... sure...
**CRUNCH** AAAAIIIEEEE!!!!
Did someone forget that cattle weigh several hundred pounds?
You could've at least warned me about the stiletto heels.

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
**slurp slurp slurp slurp**
Sorry, none left!
No problem, pard. Thanks for the milk, as always. Later.
I wonder how long before he realizes I'm not a female.
I wonder how long before he realizes I know he's not a female.

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
*sigh* The ol' prarie just ain't the same since they put that nuclear power plant upstream of the creek.
Hey, dude. Yo. Got a dollar for, uh, bus fare? Yeah, bus fare. Well?
Gotta admit, though, the huntin's a lot more satisfyin'.
AIYEEE!!!

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
Yes?
Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm taking a survey. Do you consider it odd that door-to-door salesmen and surveyors are still used in comics, even though no one actually does that anymore?
Hm. Now that I think about it, that is a bit odd.
I see...
And now I'm going to beat you senseless for bothering me at home with your inane survey.
I guess I'll skip the "Why do you think that is?" question.

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
Um, oh! Bug... hi...
Ha! Don't give me that "hi" crap. Thought you got rid of me before by flushing into the Pacific Ocean, didn't ya?
No, really! That was just the jacuzzi acting up. We had it fixed and held a funeral service and everything. Honest! Great to have you back!
Really? A funeral? That's so nice! And the jacuzzi's fixed now, right? **FLUSH** AAIEEE!!
...?
I friggin' hate higher life forms.

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
Okay, I give up. WHY have you been standing here with your mouth open for 7 hours looking at that peanut?
No elbows. *sob*

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
It's odd when you think about it. Why do WOMEN wear dresses and MEN wear pants?
What?
I mean, you'd think the MEN would wear dresses, since they need the extra room down there, you see...
Oh, I get it. Yeah, I wonder if people would be better off if men wore the dresses.
A' caurse they would! Tha's what we've been tryin' to tell you fer years, ya bloody foreign sheepholes!
...or maybe we'd just all end up like the Scottish. **shiver**

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
Aye, you little foreign twerps aren't nothin' compared to the might of the Scots!
Oh, brother.
We come from a PROUD tradition dating back CENTURIES -- yadda yadda -- TARTANS -- yadda yadda -- GOLF -- yadda -- where the MEN aren't afraid to wear DRESSES!!
(I guess there's no time to take off pants before the sheep get away.)
I'm NOT making it up. He threw a tree at him! Didn't even let go of his stout.
Sounds like the work of a Scotsman all right!

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
...and the increase in the number of Scotsman wandering about has caused general unease in the population.
Although they're not doing anything unseemly, the public is wary. "What have they got under those skirts, I wonder!" lamented one bystander today.
Hhmmmm... an unfamilar group has come into town and isn't doing anything wrong. Who can we turn to to drive them out for no justifyable reason? Unless...
KKK HQ -- England, Arkansas
**RING!**
ZzzzZZzzz... *SNORT* What? What? (I didn't know that phone still worked!)

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
---------- KKK Sign-Up Station ----------
Where do I sign to join the mob to lynch the Scottish?
Yep... with the Scots in town, the Klan will be returned to its former glory!
---------- KKK Sign-Up Station ----------
Hi, I'd like to join the mob to lynch the Scottish, please. Oh, and I'd like to request a kosher meal.
Uuhhh...
---------- KKK Sign-Up Station ----------
Now that I've signed up, can you tell me which way is east? I want to face Mecca and pray for many Scots to hang!
**sigh** I guess you can never go back.

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
--- KKK Lynch-the-Scottish Sign Up ---
Hi! I'd like to join your group to lynch the Scotsmen! O-hairi ni narasete kudasai!
--- KKK Lynch-the-Scottish Sign Up ---
Hey, gramps. Me an' a whole bunch a other wiccans want to beat up those fuckin' Scots, too!
--- KKK Lynch-the-Scottish Sign Up ---
Ach! Sign me up too! Those Scots piss meh off! Wit' their stout, an' their kilts...
All right you win, I fucking quit already.

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
Yap, it's troo! We tricked all ya silly bastards into knocking tiny little balls into holes hundreds of yards away! And thinking it's fun, no less!
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA
Hey, Jon? What are you doing? I thought we hate the Scottish now?
Yeah, that was before this guy paid for a few rounds of Glengoyne 17. We love the Scottish now. Get with it!
It's troo too, I tell ya! Yoo were the ones eatin' the real sheep innards -- we always put ground prime rib in our haggas!
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
Gee, Mr. Scottish Person, we sure are sorry for making fun of you.
An' ya shoold be, too, laddie! But no hard feelin's. To revile and stereotype only belittles ones own self.
My name's Jon, by the way. And you are...?
Name's Scott, but me friends call me Scotty. Name's Scott "Scotty" MacPissdrunk!
That's all, ladies and gentlemen! Drive safely! Good night!!

 

by Scyess
5-31-02
So, Cowdjinn, I think this whole experience has taught us all a valueable lesson.
That's right, Jon. No group, no matter what their origin, is inherently inferior to any other. Each individual should be considered exactly that way -- as an individual.
Except maybe the French.
Oh godDAMN do I hate the fucking French!!

 

by Scyess
6-01-02
*editor's note: The author of this comic does not actually know French.
Pardon, madammeroiselle, but your beauty is magnifique!*
Wait a sec. Hold that thought.
Maybe the author should learn some before continuing this series.
HEY, JON! DO WE STILL HATE THE FRENCH?
Oh, yeah.
**Nah.
AAHH! SACRE NEIRD!**
GOOD! HIYA!!!!

 

by Scyess
6-03-02
Hey there, little girl! I've got some candy for you in my car.
No, thanks.
I've also got some coloring books! And a brand new Barbie Dream House!
I'm fine, but thanks for the offer.
I also have a box of princess jewels! And a pony! And a hundred puppies! And...
Look, dickhead, even an ameoba with Downs syndrome would know you're a pedophile by now. Bug off and try someone else!

 

by Scyess
6-04-02
'allo, le petit madamroiselle! I am Fraanch, and you muzt fall in love wit me because of my sexzy accent? No?
Right. My panties just won't stay dry when I meet someone who sounds like he's got a mouth full of novocaine.
This izn't working like Pierre said it would...
As long as you're numbed up, though, I might as well take out a few teeth! Let me get my cutting torch...

 

by Scyess
6-04-02
Holy shit, did I drink too much last night. I don't remember anything. Wait, it feels like someone's next to me...
*click*
AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!
No I won't, "Say you got a little head last night and leave it at that." I want details!
Well, her body wasn't much to speak of...

 

by Scyess
6-04-02
Hey howdy, little girl! Want a ride on my "pony?"
Buzz off, creep.
**sigh** The hardest part of pedophilia is learning to cope with rejection.

 

by Scyess
6-04-02
Be careful! Lot's wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt!
So what? We're leaving Ontario, not Gomorrah.
NO! DON'T!!
Damn.
...and have you met my wife? She's the pile of ground nutmeg to my right.

 

by Scyess
6-04-02
'allo, American! Let me liizt a vew dozen reasons why we Fraanch are superior to you...
yadda yadda yadda iignoran Americans yadda yadda superior attitude yadda yadda just HAVE to shower every day yadda yadda...
Must... suppress... growing... rage...
I'm sorry I did it officer, but he was just so... FRENCH.
Beating someone to death with his own severed arm isn't excusable just because he's French! There's a $100 fine for that in these parts, mister.

 

by Scyess
6-04-02
... wow, that's neat. So, anyway, what do you do for a living?
I'm a stripper.
Really, wow! I can't believe I met a real stripper. A cute one, too! Want to come back to my house?
Sure, I'd love to! But by the way, by "stripper" I meant I make comic strips...
...so I broke all land speed records getting out of there.
Good call. You've got to be pretty fucked in the head to like making comic strips.

 

by Scyess
6-04-02
When I take time off from earning a high six-figure salary, I like to windsurf and teach myself new languages...
*yawn* Get lost.
Struck out, Jon? Here, let me give it a shot.
Yeah, Jim, sure. Good bloody luck.
What I have here, girl, is a well-oiled, genuine leather saddle with a zinc and suede harness.
I'm yours!

 

by Scyess
6-04-02
Officer Donut, give me a report on crime in the area.
Yes sir, Lt. Jass. At 0900 hours Brad, the guy who runs that comic web site, was kidnapped again.
Anything else?
Only one thing. Melba Lunchtoast, a 73-year-old widdow, reported her kitten is stuck in a tree.
Put every man you've got on that kitten, Donut! Except for Johnson. Send him over to beat the Stripcreator server box with a tire-iron.
Yes, sir. As usual.

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
I hold in my hand the key to all of mankind's destruction. With a touch of one button, I can render him mindless, speechless, and powerless.
With the mere flick of my thumb, I can induce severe ADD-like symptoms in any human. This devices can reduce the once-proud human intellect to ashes! Observe. *click*
Hey, the TV turned on! How did it... Ooo... Jerry Springer!
*click* ..."Why you little... *BEEP* I'm gonna *BEEP* your *BEEEEEEEEEP*"

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
So did ya catch the season finale on TV last night?
TV? Ha! *I* don't watch TV *I* don't even own a TV! TV is stuuuupid.
I can't believe you still watch TV. It rots your brain. *I* don't eat meat, either. *I* do yoga and care for my body and mind. Unlike SOME people. How do you live with yourself?
*I* carry a loaded .357 magnum.
AWK!

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
"Formication" is a funny word. There has to be some way to make a joke out of "formication."
Let me know if you think of anything. I'll be watching TV in the den while your brain overheats.
hhmm... formication... formication... wha- OH SHIT!!
Yes, Jon! It is I! You've flushed me down the toilet for the last time! I will now slowly gnaw your legs off from the toes up!
"Help! Cowdjinn! The bug's back! Get him off me! Help! AAAHH!! He's got my foot! Cowdjinn! AAAHH!!!"
It's his business if he wants to waste his time on lame jokes; I just wish he'd do it more quietly.

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
My god! A dead fish in my bed! That means I'm going to be hit by the mafia! I'm doomed!
Zzzz...*! What? What the hell's all that noise!
Wait... it's not a dead fish, it's a live fish. A live TALKING fish... that means something else, I think...
It means I'm trying to sleep, bonehead! Keep it down and turn off the lights!
An OBNOXIOUS talking fish. What the heck kind of fish are you, anyway?
A red snapper, of course.

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
Why is there a fish in my bed?
Why is there a human in my room?
It's my room. Didn't you notice the lack of water? The sheets from K-Mart? Electricity? FURNITURE?
Hhmmm... you may be right.
What do you mean "MAY BE?" It's pretty darned obvious,don't you think?!
Hey, give me a break. I'm a FISH. If you want higher order reasoning you're going to have to at least get to mammals.

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
So we agree... you're in the wrong house...
Yes, sorry for the inconvenience. I'll just be going.
Great... now my bed smells like fish. Hey! Wait a second...
NO! that's disgusting! ... MUST... RESIST... URGE... TO...
*sigh* (This is not the proudest moment of my life...) **sniff** **fap*fap*fap*fap**

Showing page 5.

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