All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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by kramer_vs_kramer
12-13-01
So who else is in our gang?
Well, there's the two of us, and my friends Sam, Pippin and Merry.
Merry? What the fuck kind of name is Merry? I'm not having anyone with a fucking gay name like that in MY gang.
Actually Merry is just his nickname. His real name is Frobisher Dangletramp of Twindlewood.
Fuck that! He's not getting in MY fucking gang unless he changes his name to H-Doggg. And he has to provide his own fucking gat, and it better not be painted pink!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-13-01
What the fuck? This isn't the fucking titty bar, this is some fucking cave or some shit!
Shhh! This is the cave of the dragon! We have to get past it if we are to reach mount Doom and destroy the ring.
I'm not scared of no fucking dragon. I'll go on ahead and kick its arse.
Okay, but I must warn you.They say it's very bad tempered...
So, you must be the fucking dragon. Get the fuck out of my way.
Fuck off.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-13-01
I mean it, lizard-boy. Get the fuck out my way or I'll turn you into a big bucket of shit or something.
Fuck you. I'd like to see you try.
I- I think I love you.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-17-01
Captain! Iceberg- dead ahead!
Piffle, my good man. The HMS Titanic can withstand any impact, especially from something as pitiful as an iceberg.
But Captain. According to the news, there's a rogue Soviet nuclear submarine out there with the ability to disguise itself as an iceberg. I say we change course, it's not worth the risk.
But you would say that, wouldn't you John? Or should I say Mr Groznov? I'm on to you, you filthy Commie!
What the hell are you talking about, Captain? Have you been at the rum again?
(Hic!) I'm the king of the world!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-19-01
Hey! Plank-boy! Don't you know beards went out of fashion years ago? And lose the loincloth, you look like a prick!
Don't mock the son of god, specky, or I'll get biblical on your tubby ass.
Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-24-01
Hmm. I'm bored. I think I'll hammer this nail into my head.
Not so fast!
Dr Who!
That's right. I have come from the future to warn you not to hammer that nail into your head, or there will be grave consequences!
Consequences? Will I inadvertantly cause the Earth to be taken over by some evil space aliens?
No. You're going to bleed on my carpet.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-24-01
Mmm, I think I'll drink this nice bottle of bleach.
Not so fast!
Dr Who!
Yes, it's me. I have come from the future to warn you- do not drink that bleach!
Why? Will it cause me to mutate into a giant monster that'll take over the world?
No, I need it to clean my sink.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-25-01
Bloody heatwave.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-28-01
Phew, Christmas is over. Now we can get out of these damn disguises.
It's about time too. I must have gone through a million bloody houses last night.
KER-TRANS-FORM!
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
So what did you get?
Nothing! I'm beginning to suspect this "Christmas Spirit" isn't a real drink.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-30-01
Hmm, there's nothing on TV, so I think I'll play Planetarion all day.
Not so fast!
Dr Who!
That's right! I have come to warn you that a massive Planetarion session would be a VERY bad thing to do.
Why, will it cause a drain on the Earth's power resources, leaving us open to alien attack?
No. It's just very very sad.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-31-01
yuo hav a choise. Yuop can play PLANTEARRION or I will rapp you. What'l it be?
oh no mr mad rappist taht is a meen choise. Butt PLANTERAIONN is bad so it must be the rapping.
Yes! Suck it hore feel mi luv trunchon bithc.
Aaah ahh taht is very sore butt it is better than PLANETTARION.
I kno it was a tricck! Knoibody evr chooses PLANETARIAN.
I hate you, Mr Mad Rappist.

 

Yo yo yo playa. You be a fly piece of ass. You be wanting to work for da mad pimp ass g-daddy?
I dunno, what are the benefits like?
Benefits? You be gettin' tha fly ice, and plenty of bling bling. Plus all the cock you can eat.
Mm, I do love that tasty cock, but I am having some doubts.
About what?
I just don't believe that this is a merchant bank.

 

The singer out of Alien Ant Farm appears to have more teeth than normal people.
This has led me to suspect that he is, in fact, and actual alien.
I have sent several e-mails mentioning this fact to the FBI, however they have yet to reply.

 

Some bastard tried to jam me into his cd player today.
He thought I was a battery hen.

 

Captain's Log. We have discovered traces of a lifeform in an abandoned space vehicle. We are beaming it up.
Although vaguely humanoid in appearance, the creature is wearing strange clothes and is clearly not of our world.
Yo yo yo daddio! You be looking for tha fly honeys? Bling bling baby! Word!
Our universal translators are unable to cope with the creature's strange dialect. I advise detaining him in the science bay for study.

 

Don't fuck with me, mate. I'm a fucking wizard.
Really? Let's see something then.
I'm so fucking magic I can set things on fire with my mind. Want to see?
I'd rather you didn't. There's only space for two characters per panel, so it's obvious you're just going to set me on fire.
Well, I'll be.

 

Fuck! I'm on fire! Fucking help me!
If you're such an all-powerful wizard, why don't you put the fire out with magic mind powers?
Ok, I'll give it a fucking go...

 

Fuck! It looks like this is the end for me.
Fucking A, baby!

 

Fantastic! I'm a fucking ghost! This means I can go anywhere I want and do whatever the fuck I want!
So...
C'mon, get them out...
Mmm, I think I'll have a nice bath and... HOLY SHIT! A GHOST!
Don't worry darling. I'm a friendly ghost.
That's alright then I'll just... Hold on, no. Get the hell out of my house!

 

It's shit being a ghost. Every just fucking runs off when they see me. I haven't seen a single pair of fucking tits yet. I want to be alive again!
But how the fuck will I do that? I can't do any magic like this, and anyway there's only one wizard on earth powerful enough to bring me back...
Meanwhile...
Oh my god, I can't believe I'm in Harry Potter's bedroom!
Yeah yeah yeah, now get sucking , before the missus gets back.

 

Before I go down on you, could you put that baby away? It's making me uncomfortable.
I can't.
Why not?
He's superglued to my arm.
Don't ask.

 

There he is, the specky twat. Fucking hell! It looks like she's going to shag him. Can't have that...
Oh Harry. Mmmm.
You're so sexy Harry. I want to- GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SPECKY FUCKING POOF!
Huh? What's going on?
I JUST HEARD YOU MOLEST KIDS AND TAKE IT UP THE FUCKING ARSE FROM GOATS.
Okay Javier, I know it's you. Don't make me exorcise you.

 

Professor Dominguez, I believe you had a complaint about the teaching methods of one of our lecturers?
Indeed I do, sir. It's Dr McDonald, the history lecturer. He's claiming that the the first thanksgiving meal was Chicken McNuggets and large fries.
Is this the same man who taught that the last supper was a Big Mac and a large shake? I think we'd better speak with this Dr McDonald.
I'll go get him, principal.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes... Ronald. I'm beginning to have doubts that you're really a history lecturer.

 

Okay Javier, what's going on. Why have you possessed the body of my groupie?
I got burned in a big fucking fire, and need you to bring me back to life.
You are joking, aren't you? I'm in big demand right now. I won't do magic for anything less than $50k and there's a year long waiting list.
Do it now you specky fucker or I'm calling rape!
Okay okay. I'll just go get my stuff.
Hold on, could you give me fifteen minutes? And a video camera and some cucumbers?

 

Okay Javier, here goes...
This had better work, or I'm going to kick your specky little cunt in.
Alakazam!
Oh dear. Maybe you should have gotten out of the groupie before we did that.
Ah, fuck her. She was a minger anyway.

 

India
Yee-haw! I sure would like to stop a war between the Injuns and the Pakis!
The Bronx
I'd like to say that I will bring about a greater standard of life for all niggers.
Home at last!
Evening darling. How did the world tour go?
Just swell, bitch.

 

Welcome to McDonald's Drive Through. How may I help you?
Thank you sir have a nice day sir enjoy your meal sir.
Why the fuck are we doing this? Surely with your magic powers, and my brains, we could achieve all sorts of things?
You mean like take over the whole fucking world?
Actually I was going to suggest knocking off the Ice Cream machine, but your idea is better.

 

What happened to you, Farmer Giles? You look like you've just gone ten rounds with Muhammed Ali-en.
I've just spent the morning trying to milk the thargon space cow. It wouldn't keep still, and all I got at the end of it was this quart of strangely thick milk.
That cow over there?
Yep, ol' Bessie.
Dude, that's the male cow.
That would explain why, when I gave some of the milk to my daughter to drink, she spat it straight out.

 

I've been thinking. How can I become bohemian like you?
Well, first you need a great car that's always broken down. And you need to be vegan.
I see. What's a vegan?
You don't eat any meat or animal products at all.
Uh-huh. Does cock count as an animal product?
Hell no. Get sucking, boy!

 

I'm beginning to have doubts about this bohemian lifestyle. All it seems to consist of is me repeatedly perfoming fellatio on your good self.
True, true. But you will learn, grasshopper. One day you will take upon a trainee of your own, and it will be you who receives the fellatio.
A trainee of my own? Really?
Yes, someday, maybe.
Does that mean you're going to let me out of this cupboard?
Hell no. Now get sucking, boy!

 

Well, my friend, the time has come for you to be reincarnated in a new form, and placed back onto the Earth.
Oh yes, my lord. And I will spend all my time spreading your word as the Bible says, and fighting off the forces of sin and darkness.
So be it. I hereby create you anew- so that you may preach the gospel and do good unto me and my father.
Wow! I feel the change coming over me- I am reborn!
Decepticons!
That's right, face-fungus-boy! Now screw the bible, someone get me a copy of The Good Pub guide!

 

Sucky sucky?
We love you long time!
Of course, we only do this because it requires no emotion.
We are uncomfortable with our young bodies, and so choose to please our men in a way that requires no eye contact.
The money's good, too.

 

Good evening, and welcome to Wendy's Wacky World of Weirdness. My first guest today is Mr Poot, the human erection.
Mr Poot was once a happy normal man, until one day he suffered a priapism that spread to the whole of his body. He is now totally rigid.
Mr Poot, do you have a message for our viewers?
Kill.... me ... now.

 

You want to stay away from me, kid. I'm dangerous.
Yeah yeah. I know all about the risk of cancer and lung disease.
No no no, that's not what I meant...
I've got a gun. Now gimme your wallet!

 

Mmmm, I'm gonna get me some chicken!
By "chicken", do you mean you want to have gay sex with underage boys?
No.
That's good, because otherwise I'd have to phone the police.
Shit.

 

One blowjob, please!
Sure that'll be five bucks.
Suckotron 2000 here will see to you in the alleyway.
-MEEP!- Sucky sucky?
Bloody subcontractors.

 

At last, my crowning piece of cosmetic surgery is complete!
Can I sit up yet?
Yes. Remove the bandage, sit up and let me see the beauty I have transformed your face into.
Okay, here goes...
Decepticons!
No shit, pixel-boy! Now pass me some of that medicinal alcohol!

 

God, I'm miserable. Maybe I should get me one of those recreational drug habits.
But Mister! My teacher says all drugs are bad!
That's so untrue, kid. Hey! Try some of these!
That's it, I'm getting my daddy on you!
Shit. You'd be the little girl's father then.
Damn right, bucko. How dare you offer those drugs to my daughter? Have you any idea how much money it cost to put her through rehab the last time?

 

That's odd, I'm sure I left my girlfriend around here...
She went to the shops twenty minutes ago. She decided she needed some biscuits.
Dammit! I'f I'd known she was going to the shops I'd have asked her to get me some pork scratchings.
I'm hungrier than a shark at a tourist resort. Maybe I should eat the baby, I never wanted it anyway.
Not so fast! I wish to sue your ass for slander. Now hand over the baby!

 

Alright bug. I know you survived the war, but you're not invading this planet of mine, nuclear winter or not. You're going down!
Whatcha gonna do about it, pig? Me and my pals run the show now, whether you like it or not! In fact, I think I'll eat you!
Do roaches eat people? I don't think they do.
That maybe true, but me and my four million friends are mutant radioactive roaches.
Really? In what way are you mutated?
I used to be a chartered financial advisor.

 

Good evening Jesus. What words of wisdom do you have today?
Your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on your mortgage or any other loan secured on it.
I don't believe him. I'm not going to pay my mortgage. I bet nothing happens.
Well, I'll be.

 

I really can't be bothered with this, Brigadier. I mean, one trillion dollars, is it really worth it?
Look, Corporal, I didn't spend years and years planning this master heist for you to chicken out.
Brigadier, that was the least pathetic pun I ever heard.
Thank you Colonel. You're the best Colonel in the whole entire universe, of which I am the supreme ruler. Now here's the plan...
The corner shop is just across the street. It is guarded by four million trained mercenaries, with special rail guns like the one Arnie had in the film "Eraser".
This all sounds too much like excessive strenuous hard work. Can't we just rob an ATM machine?

 

This is all your fucking fault. Now that cunt Potter's after me. I ought to take you back to that fucking karaoke bar and leave you for the fat housewives to drool over.
My fault? You're the one who murderised his wife. All I wanted was to make some cash to spend on smokes, strippers and booze.
-ahem-
Are you trying to square up to me?

 

Okay Javier, I know it was you who killed my wife. Now prepare to die!
Calm fucking down, Potter, won't all this violence affect your sponsorship deals?
No, I made sure when I signed the contracts that I'd be allowed to inflict horrific death on people, and still have full rights.
But what about the kids? You're supposed to be a role model!
The kids love violence. In fact, I was thinking of doing some shows with the WWF. Now prepare to die, because Harry Potter says so!
Before we start, promise me you won't hit my face.

 

Right, first I think I'll make your arms magically detach and insert themselves up your arse...
Hold on, hold on. Can I first say that the whole wife death thing wasn't me?
It was this bastard microphone over here.
You expect me to believe that this microphone talks and killed my wife? I've heard some lame excuses from you in my time, Javier, but...
I swear it talks! He's just pretending to be a normal microphone. Really it's an evil genius!

 

Right, now I'm going to remove your knob and replace it with your head.
Hold on a fucking minute! Isnt that Jesus over there?
Really?
Ah! He got away!
Get that bastard for me. I'm not really Jesus, he just thought nailing me to a tree would be 'really fucking funny'.

 

I need to think of something. Potter's gone fucking mental!
Not so fast!
Dr Who!
That's right, Javier. I've just come from the future. Harry Potter totally kicks your arse. It's not a pretty sight.
So you've come back to save me?
No. I just wanted to see how he gets you to eat your own leg like that.

 

That cunt Dr Who was no fucking help at all. I'd better give my gang a phone.
Hello? Fellowship of the Ring? Frodo speaking.
What did I fucking tell you, we're a fucking gang! Fellowships are gay! Where are you anyway?
I'm on my mobile. I'm in a disco with Pippin and Merry, er, I mean H-Doggg.
A disco? Wait a fucking minute - is that YMCA I hear in the background?

 

That's it, I'm done for. Potter's going to so fucking kick my arse.
Not so fast, Javier, I have an idea!
It's your fucking fault I'm in this mess. If it wasn't for you playing dumb I'd be safe and it'd be you Potter was after.
Well never mind that, now. I have found someone who can get Harry to calm down and leave us alone.
Who the fuck are you?
Good evening, sir. My name is Darius, and I have to say there's a lot of love in this room.

 

Mike, where the fuck did you find this mook, and how the fuck is he going to save us from Potter's rampage?
Relax, Javier. They say that music can sooth the savage beast, so I've hired Darius to sing calming songs to Harry. I told him if he helped us, you'd use your powers to make him famous.
Famous, eh?
6 months later...
Hey, aren't you the guy off of goatse.cx?
I am going to kill that bastard Javier...

Showing page 5.

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