All comics by AngryAmerican

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by AngryAmerican
7-14-09
Jesus fuck Timmy. Tell me what ya did ya fucking abject slave to the cock you don't even have!
Metaphorically I have one. We had one full day of metaphorically phenomenal filthy fuck-sex.
Metaphorical se... Have ya lost yer fucking mind Timmy? Have ya gone fuckin daft? Metaphorical sex is it?
Yeah. Hot, sweaty, cum drenched, no holes barred, just rape-the-shit-out-of-me-in -whatever-hole-is-handy, ball draining sex.
Fuck you ya dumb fuck! You're gonna burn for this Tim! First fucking Rule man! And...and...Fuck. It was totally worth it wasn't it?
Every glorious second, lad. Every metaphorically ball-draining second.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-14-09
Pizarro! my cousin! It is an almost unbelievable coincidence that we have met randomly here on the beach ot Aztland!
My dear Cortes! Indeed it is a splendid pleasure to inexplicably see you here also. I claim this land in the name of the King of Balboa.
What. Fuck you Pizarro! I was greeting you! You can't make a claim while returning a greeting. And in reply I say I claim this land in the name of the King of Castile!
No! These small, brown skinned people are mine to slaughter! I claimed them first!

 

by AngryAmerican
7-19-09
Some people think he's a myth. INTERPOL denies his existence while secretly asking him for tips. He brought elephants back to Siberia.
He once fought a ninja in a bullring. For Queen Elizabeth. He's been ridden more times than the monorail at Disneyland, but his ride never stops.
Mexican hookers swear his urine cures herpes, a claim he modestly denies. He once had a chinchilla named 'Scraps'.
I don't always drink beer. Like when I'n on LSD. But when I do, I drink Tres Equis. Stay thirsty, fuckheads.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-19-09
He once had bruising, amazon-style sex with Lynda Carter. The native villagers referred to him as "The White Python".
He made a name for himself by building simple things. Like the Orbiting Animal Sanctuary. And Never-Neverland.
In prison, he traded new fish for Snickers bars. Then wrote poems about it.
I don't always drink beer. Like when drinking toilet-fermented Kool-Aid. But when I do drink beer, I drink Tres Equis. Stay thirsty, asshats.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-19-09
Its rumored that his ball-musk is so strong that it attracts local fauna, such as wombats and ring-tailed lemurs. His greeting cards are pleasant and mildly humorous.
In 1974 he successfully campaigned to end the Vietnam War. He played a mean piccolo and Nixon danced to his tune.
Centuries from now, aboard the Orbiting Animal Sanctuary, he ministers to puppies.
I might not always drink beer. Sometimes I sniff glue . But when I drink beer, I drink Tres Equis.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-20-09
You're a bit late Timmy me boyo. I have already claimed the soul of Walter Cronkite.
Ya fookin bastard ya! I told ya I wanted to reap that soul!
Ach, fook you Timmy! If I have to do all the blacks and mexicans because you won't then I'll be damned if won't grab a celebrity when I get the chance!
Oh celebrities is it? I thought we were Alpha and Omega? I thought we transcended mere mortal concerns, ya fook!
Don't be an asshole Timmy! You know celebrities get a nice deli tray in Reception. All blacks get are hot wings, and I'm tired of hot wings!
Ah take yer hot wings and shove em right up yer arse Jimmy! Fook ya and the Pale Goddamn Horse ya damn well rode in on!

 

by AngryAmerican
7-20-09
Damn lad, that got messy. Don't fook with the Chinese government, eh?
I've never seen so many dead chinamen. Can't they just accept the 62" TV's and shut the hell up?
I remember Da telling us ya can't win versus a tank, boyo. Guess they didn't get that little gem from their Pas.
Well, we got a spot of work here lad and no mistake. We'd better get started.
So ya won't reap blacks or mexicans, but little dead chinamen are okay, huh?
Christ Jimmy. They're just wee asians. Shut up and grab a fookin handful.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-23-09
He got barred for life from the Playboy Mansion because his pheromones caused a sexual riot which injured 4 Bunnies and 2 of the Bee Gees.
He found the perfectly preserved body of Jesus Christ, who it turned out wasn't actually crucified, but had merely fallen into any icy crevasse while in Switzerland.
He taught billiards to an enitre tribe of pygmies, because it needed to be done.
I don't always drink beer. Like when I'm felching a shemale. But when I do, I drink Tres Equis. Stay thirsty, putos.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-25-09
He's the only man who ever received the Heisman Trophy, an Oscar, an Emmy , a Tony and an Adult Male Performer of the Year award. All in the same year.
He does expansive, ambitious puppet shows for the criminally insane. His next project is King Lear and will feature Socky, the polyester blend dog.
He's a black belt in 118 different martial arts.
I don't always drink beer. Like when I'm freebasing ping pong balls in a youth detention center. But when I do, I drink Tres Equis. Stay thirsty, sheep.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-25-09
He empathically communes with sharks, and defends them from brutal dolphin attacks. He taught them all he knows about fishooks.
He once accidentally destroyed an entire Yugoslavian town searching for his pants. He paid to have it rebuilt. With TWO movie theaters and a KFC.
He teaches English to small asain children.
I'm don't always drink beer. Like when I'm chasing the dragon. But when I do, I drink Tres Equis. Stay thirsty, bendajos.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-24-09
Okay ladies and gentlemen, can I have you attention please. I proudly present America's current bestselling novelist,
and recepient of the Nobel Prize for Peace. Dr. Alawicious Roon!
Hello groundhogs and lime trees! I will hover barrows now and keep tinsel importantly!
What Dr. Roon meant is that he will be signing copies of his book, "Why Chad From Nickelback Must Die." And answering questions.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-24-09
Dr. Roon! How will killing Chad result in a quote 'global enviornmental shift' unquote?
Blarney slugs defy arsehole reasoning. Therefore sodo-sluts will reverse they duodenums. Its obvious.
Small minded lemmings. Taste my commercial wrath and quiver in ecstasy.
What Dr Roon said was that the elimination of Chad would enable the pomposity level of mankind to drop by 2 full points,
Mark my feces O'Brian. This time the gladiators will result in a light, dry wine. I shall distill it reverentially.
and...and...I just don't know. Read the fucking book.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-24-09
Let's hear some testimonials!
I loved it when he wrote "permeated scrimps in a high velocity sauce verify the existence of unreasoning particons".
My favorite part was when he described beating Chad to death with four pound buttplug.
Dr Roon's recipies for Chad carcass are not only penially delicious, but also sexually arousing.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-20-09
Honey, I told you I didn't think we should get a dog.
Why honey? What happened?
Well you know how today was 'Take Your Pet To Work Day'?
Yeah...
"Well you know how he likes to chew things, right?

 

by AngryAmerican
1-28-10
What's wrong Brooke? You seem extra confused today.
The light thingy on...my four wheeled thing...won't make shiny anymore...
Hold on Brooke, you mean you have a headlight out?
Yes! Thank you! What do I do?
You're probably just out of halogen fluid. Just go to your dealership and ask for some halogen fluid.
OK. Thanks!

 

by AngryAmerican
6-27-10
Dude since I got that DJ job at the strip club I am getting SO MUCH pussy! I'm jugglin six bitches right now!
Wow. Banging strippers. How much blow does that cost you?
Seriously dude, I'm gettin laid so much my cock has racing stripes!
Um......I....... Why would you tell me that?
Oh God. I have stretch marks on my penis.
I don't know you anymore.

 

by AngryAmerican
6-27-10
Ladies and Gentlemen! May I draw your attention away from the trapeze and to Enigmus, The World's Greatest Mesmerist-Juggler!
Enigmus will now dazzle us by juggling 5 unwanted chinese babies and 3 sharp farm implements!
Ladies and Gentlemen, stare deep into my eyes. What you really heard was 4 unwanted chinese babies and ......

 

by AngryAmerican
7-09-10
Where's Bill? I needs to leave. My baby's Daddy's goin to jail and I got to go pick up my kee-id.
My Mommas can't watch her cuz its poker night and my cuz is in jail too and my Sister is still in rehab.
My Uncle used to touch me so I don't want him near my kee-id, my other sister's on tour with 2Live Crew and....
Shut up, bitch.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-09-10
Oh yeah! I'm fuckin you so good! You like that bitch! Huh? Are you a dirty little whore takin it from behind? Huh!?
Ooh yeah. I'm a dirty little whore. Yer so big. Give it to me baby.
Yeah I'm tappin yer little snizz, bitch! Who's my filthy little whore, huh? Are you my little whore?
Yes baby. I'm totally yer whore. Ooh yeah. Yer soooo big. (I think I'll make spaghetti later...)...
Uh yeah! Takin it from behind like the nasty slut you are! Oh God I love my little whore! Are you my little whore bitch?
Listen asshole! I already said numerous times that I WAS, indeed, yer dirty little whore. Now shut up already and nut in me. I haven't got all night and yer $12 is almost up.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-19-10
Brooke, why are you in your street clothes and still on the floor?
I'm in my street clothes?
Yes Brooke, you're in your street clothes. Go back to the dressing room.
We have a dressing room?
Brooke, your nipples are hanging out.
I have tits?

 

by AngryAmerican
9-06-10
Holy shit that stripper's looking at me! Quick Uncle Trey, gimme $100! I'm gonna make it rain on her!
Whoa son. You don't go charging out of the gate at the first ho you see. Let's see the lineup first then we'll talk about getting some trim wet.
OK, gimme $50 and I'll make it drizzle!
Son, ya got ta bide yo time. Make the ho's come to you.
Fuck! Gimme somethin! I wanna make some weather happen on that bitch!
Let's settle for overcast. With a chance of showers. Here's $5.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-15-10
It turns out your goat was just very hungry Ezekiel. Starved for glucose and viscous proteins. Mobile cells and whatnot.
Yep! Really hungry! Darn near sucked my food cannon inside out, the little devil!
Well that is good news. So he's all right then?
All right? He was AWESOME!
Funny. I always thought it couldn't suck a dick worth a damn...

 

by AngryAmerican
9-15-10
You're sick. I hope you're ashamed for clicking on this.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-29-10
'Ould you toffle me where the sparrywhicker is?
Excuse me?
'Ould you nudge me toward where I ould dinkle the ole pangle-da-wangle?
Huh?
Where's the bloody loo, mate?
Oh. Right over there.

 

by AngryAmerican
12-01-10
I can't believe this fucking cereal.
Its like 30% meth-amphetamine.
Who the hell are we marketing it to anyway? What's our demographic?
Disenfranchised young black males. While only 3.9% of the possible consumer base, they eat 43% of the cereal sold in the US.
Fuck. So whatya got?
BITCH SMACKS!! Dey'rrrrrrre PHAT!

 

by AngryAmerican
12-01-10
I like it. OK, get those 2 young rapper brothers. You know, the black kids that wore they're pants backwards?
You mean Kriss Kross? That was like 20 years ago.
That's them. The black Jonas Brothers. Get em. Black kids'll love em. Where are they?
One overdosed on crack and the other had his face blown off by a 12 gauge in a failed robbery attempt.
All right, fuck that. Get me Gary Coleman!
Maybe watch some news Melvin. He spontaneously combusted about a year ago.

 

by AngryAmerican
12-01-10
OK. Fuck that. We get some muscular, towering buck to yell at the...
No way man. That will just remind them of the Dad that beat them or the one they never knew. They'll want to cap the cereal, not eat it!
Fuck! Shit! The board wants something to work with by 10! Arrrgh! WHAT ABOUT RICK JAMES?EVERYBODYLOVESRICKJAMES!
Dear God! Help me man!
DEAR GOD MAN! HELP ME!
I suggest we niggerfy some CGI animals. It worked for Disney and Nissan.

 

by AngryAmerican
2-28-11
Greetings people of Boliverialand! I am your new duly elected Leader, El Presidente For Life, Don Pupetillo!
I wish to thank all my supporters who waded through the proverbial 'sea of blood' to get me elected.
Just kidding about the 'proverbial' part. Little Dictator humor there.

 

by AngryAmerican
2-28-11
I speak to you now from the beautiful and bountiful farmland of Boliveraland, filled as far as the eye can see with lush coca plantations!
I know I made a lot of campaign promises and let me assure you, I will follow through on none of them.
On the brighter side though, I am by nature, a gentle man. Therefore mandatory torture will be reduced to every second Tuesday. Thank you!

 

by AngryAmerican
2-28-11
Are you saying that you want to suck my dog off?
....Yes.

 

by AngryAmerican
2-28-11
I hope you can help me Doctor! I just didn't know what to do!
Tell me again what happened. You've probably come to the right place.
My husband is an inventor and he made this teleportation machine. Well somehow I got caught in one pod and our cat was in the other!
So you think you genes have been blended with your pet cat's feline DNA?
Yes! That's exactly right! Can you help me Doctor Pembroke?
It depends on whether you have a taco or a wonton.

 

by AngryAmerican
3-20-11
So. Las Vegas, man. How was it?
Dude. We went to this place outside of city limits called Steak and a Blow Job!
There's a fucking restaurant called Steak and a Blow Job?
Hell yeah man! Anything goes out there, ya know?
How was the steak?
What steak?

 

Never underestimate the power of young Japanese girls.
What?
I just a schoolgirl.
by AngryAmerican, 5-31-11

 

Little Known Tourist Attractions #5: Stripcreator Noob Convention
No one saw this coming
WE ARE FUCKIN FUNNY!
by AngryAmerican, 5-31-11

 

Two Asians, One Chalice
by AngryAmerican, 5-31-11

 

Little Known Tourist Attractions #6: GacyLand
by AngryAmerican, 5-31-11

 

Little Known Tourist Attractions #15: Dahmerville Bar and Grill
by AngryAmerican, 5-31-11

 

Little Known Tourist Attractions #26: Harrington's Outdoor Baby Auction
by AngryAmerican, 5-31-11

 

When Comedy Duos Go Bad
Its my rock, bitch!
I'll cut you from gash to lash, whore.
by AngryAmerican, 5-31-11

 

When Comedy Duos Go Bad
Hey Chong, we should stop doing comedy based on weed.
Fuck you Cheech.
by AngryAmerican, 5-31-11

 

by AngryAmerican
6-22-11
So that's it. Ragnarok. The Gods are dead. The giants have won.
I thought it would look a bit.....more gloomy than this, ya know?
Fuckin Christians...
Assholes.
I feel the need.
The need for speed.

 

by AngryAmerican
6-22-11
Ragnarok sucks. I'm tired of this endless winter.
We've been out of marshmallows for weeks.
I'm so hungry I ate my saxon thrall.
I'm marinating my youngest son even as we speak.
I blew the Jarl from Galligan's Isle for a bowl of jellied eel.
That's no space station...

 

by AngryAmerican
9-19-11
Mr President I... cannot tell you what an honor...its been...helping you defeat Yarnek's foes.
Captain Kirk it has been my great privilege fighting beside you and the Vulcans against that merciless brood of evil.
And I am... insansely happy that our advanced technology could...heal your spear wound. Give you life!
You and your crew have my profound gratitude and the thanks of a grateful nation, sir.
And for exchanging...oral sex with me.
I probably gave you Romulan Herpes captain, but don't worry, once it hatches you might have some scarring, but will remain fully functional.

 

by AngryAmerican
11-03-11
Oh beautiful Mother Earth! You're even more awe inspiring from up here!
How can we atone for centuries of rape and waste?
A flea dip.

 

by AngryAmerican
11-03-11
Oh God, where am I?
I am your Totem.
What the hell were those pillls?
I am your Power Animal.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I?
Dude I'm a fucking hallucination, I don't know.

 

by AngryAmerican
11-03-11
How ya doin kid? Did ya bring everything I asked?
They say that talking to inanimate objects is a sign of insanity, you know.
That's all just psychobabble bullshit, kid. I talked to you first, remember? You were only being polite.
But Staniskowski clearly states in his 'Principles of....
Hey whoa kid! I'm just a sweater here, not a philosopher. You bring the gun or what?
*sigh* Yeah, I brought it.

 

by AngryAmerican
10-21-15
I really wish I could quit being a strip club bouncer for a living. I long to be free of all the bullshit, drugged out skanks and prostitutes.
I would LOVE to work with drugged out skanks instead of incompetent bureaucrats and crazy postal workers.
Your job must be great. You're on your own, can listen to whatever music you want and get to work outdoors.
God! Can you imagine it? Working around nude chicks all day, getting head in champagne rooms, no drug testing...
Seriously, I wish I could...
Here's your fucking welfare check.

 

by AngryAmerican
2-16-18
"I understand some people were upset with my choice of words when someone recorded me saying 'Grab em by the Pussy', a term which by the way I have since trademarked.
Bearing that in mind, I'd like to offer some non trademarked alternatives. Things like: Cuff Their Muff, Snag Em By The Quim, Grapple Her Brat Chute, Hook Some Cooter, Snaggum By The Snizz...
...Great, huh? Or you could go with Grip Em By The Lips, Grasp Their Nay-Nay, Grope Dat Puss-Say or even, and I'm just throwing this out there, Caressing Their Vulvas Lovingly. Like a Boss.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-03-18
All right, what's so important you can't talk about it over the phone?
I just scammed some old bitch out of her life savings, bro! Drinks are on me tonight!
Whoa dude. Karma's a bitch, man. Is that really how you want to go through life, ripping off old people?
If it pays for my weed and Mustang, and they're stupid enough to fall for it, you're damn right it is.
I don't know man. Karma's a bitch...
What the fuck does a stripper have to do with this?

 

by AngryAmerican
4-03-18
Hey coach! You amember when you told me not to fuck cats?
Yes son, I most certainly do. And the fact that you're bringing it up makes me nervous about your next words.
I stuck my weiner in the cat last night. It got real mad and clawed me til I stopped.
Is that all?
No sir. It came back when I was sleepin and shit on my chest.
Remember when I was trying to explain the concept of Karma to you? The talk we need to have about beastiality aside, that was a perfect example.

Showing page 6.

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