All comics by deucepm

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by deucepm
10-07-02
The first time it happened, it was annoying.
Hello, Verizon? Internet no work. Make Internet be on now.
Oh, I am sorry, sir. We'll turn it back on right away, just a little mix-up on our end...
The second time, I chalked it up to incompetence.
Verizon? You said my DSL would be turned back on. Why do you fill my house with lies?
Sorry, sorry, yet another mix-up. Here you go.
Three times equals conspiracy.
WHO ARE YOU WITH? NSA? The Directorate? WHAT DO YOU WANT OF ME?
We'll turn your DSL back on, but first there's a little job we want you to do. You'll find the rifle in the back of your car. Remember: The woods are lovely, dark and deep...

 

by deucepm
10-07-02
Hewlett-Packard tech support.
Hi. I have a question. How come you guys are so successful, even though your products are like toys created by retarded monkey children?
Uh...
I just can't figure it. They're all so awful, and yet you have all the money. How do you do it? Are you powered by Satan?
What? No, no, no, no, no. We're...uh...just lucky, I guess.
Yeah, right. Seriously, if I offer you someone's soul, will you fix this piece of shit CD burner?

 

by deucepm
10-08-02
What have we got here?
Looks like BeNN_MaKK's horribly broken, barely-alive body.
Wow. It looks like he was trampled on by a thousand rabid mice riding atop large-footed Norwegians, controlling their thoughts with their whiskers.
Indeed. They seem to ave been wearing ruby slippers on their left feet and golf shoes on their right.
How very odd. So. Wanna pee in his mouth?
Can't think of a reason not to.

 

by deucepm
10-08-02
So what is Dadaism, anyway? I tried reading BeNN's explanation, but it made blood run out my ears.
According to this, Dada has no uniform characteristics... Dadaist art can be interpreted by each person how they want to see or read it.
So, it's like art for people with no artistic talent?
Pretty much, yeah.

 

by deucepm
10-08-02
This is the story of a dadaist who had dada in his heart! He tore his motor apart! He had dada in his heart!
Here's a little story I want to tell about three bad brothas ya know so well! It started way back in history with Ad Rock, MCA and me, Mike D!
The elevator lugged a king! He was a lumpy frail machine! He cut his right arm to the bone! Sent it to the pope in Rome!
Some voices got treble! Some voices got bass! We got the kind of voices that are in your face!
Will someone get this freak off the stage?!
ALI BABA AND THE FORTY THIEVES! ALI BABA AND THE FORTY THIEVES!

 

by deucepm
10-08-02
Hey, deuce. I just wanted you to know that I read your strips and I won't hold your anti-Dada bias against you when judging time comes. Now c'mon, how about a hug?
Well...sure, okay, BeNN. Nothing personal, right? After all, we're just having some fun he--
(BETRAY!)
(NECK SNAPPING!)
I really should have seen that coming.

 

by deucepm
10-09-02
Inside My Head
NOOOOOOOOO! KIIIIIILL! BLOOD! BLOOD! ALL MUST PAY FOR MY CLUMSINESS! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! SOCIETY IS TO BLAME!
Calm down! Okay, yes, you did just drop your bacon egg and cheese English muffin on the pavement, but there's no need to lose your temper!
RRRAAAAAAGH! HATE! HATE! HATE! WANT BREAKFAST! WANT BREAKFAST! WANT BREAKFAST OR WANT BLOOOOD!
NO! Your heart's about to explode! Look, instead of screaming and yelling, we can come to some sort of compromise...
Sir, is there any particular reason why you're eating that English muffin right off the ground?

 

by deucepm
10-09-02
Okay, everybody ready to bomb Iraq? What's the good word, CIA guy?
We've learned that if you bomb Iraq, there will be a wave of terrorism that will cost millions of American lives. If you DON'T bomb Iraq, NO ONE dies.
I was thinking of calling this "Operation: Desert Boom." How does that sound?
I'm gonna go swallow some anthrax and beat the rush. Anybody else wanna come?

 

by deucepm
10-09-02
If Saddam Hussein holds a gun to someone's head while he denies he even owns a gun, do you really want to take a chance that he'll never use it?
Please let this be an entry in the Dada contest.

 

by deucepm
10-11-02
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AH, SHADDAP!

 

by deucepm
10-11-02
*sniff* Why? Why, Mommy? Why?
Will you get up, you simpering invertebrate? So you're not gonna have DSL until November. What's the big deal?
But I NEED it! What if the Internet runs out of MP3s and porn while I'm gone?
There'll still be plenty when you get back. Come on, cowboy up.
You wouldn't be so brave if you had to go back to dial-up.
YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCH MY FUCKING CONNECTION AND I'LL--I mean, yes I would.

 

by deucepm
10-11-02
Well, what am I supposed to do while I'm stuck with shitty, awful, shitty dial-shitty-up?
Why don't you read a book?
B--boooooook?
Maybe I can hit him with it...

 

by deucepm
10-11-02
*THUD* *THUD* *THUD*
Look, here's a box of toys. Please stop bashing your head into the wall.
Will I be able to use those toys to connect to the 'net at 10 megabytes per second?
Well...well, no...
*THUD* *THUD* *THUD*
But if you squeeze this duckie, it makes a little squeaking sound.

 

by deucepm
10-11-02
Unbelievable. My computer is now nothing but an impotent, pathetic box of microchips. Useless. All is useless.
Didn't you get No One Lives Forever 2 the other day?
Daddy's sorry, baby! Daddy still loves you! Daddy won't throw you out the window like he said!
Luckily, it'll take him way longer than a month to get through this game. Or any game. l33t he ain't.

 

by deucepm
10-12-02
Okay, the first item up for bid is this copy of All-Star Comics #3. First appearance of the Justice Society! What am I bid?
$45,000!
Sold to the man in the "Monkey Boy" t-shirt! I'll just take your check...
Hey, this is for $44,984.
Yeah. I figure you owe me money for Captain Corelli's Mandolin and Gone In 60 Seconds.

 

by deucepm
10-12-02
Mr. Reynolds, you are accused of hanging a turkey from an I-95 overpass until it was hit by a car.
This kind of intolerable animal cruelty will not stand. What do you have to say for yourself?
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
Your hackneyed WKRP In Cincinatti references won't get you out of this, Mr. Reynolds!

 

by deucepm
10-13-02
Hey, what's that you're eating?
Strawberry Yo-Zels. They're pretzels filled with strawberry yogurt.
So what did it feel like when your last vestige of humanity withered and died? I'm curious.
They taste like little salty strawberries.

 

by deucepm
10-16-02
DIRTY MUD-HUMPING RAT BASTARD!
If I ever find the guy that set up our network at the office, I'm going to slap his damn face off.
Uh-huh.
Seriously. I'm going to slap him like that lady slaps Roy Scheider in "Jaws." Then I'm gonna start weeping and scream "You son of a BITCH!" and have to be led away in a blanket.
Pete, we live on different coasts. How the hell did you get here?

 

by deucepm
10-16-02
It makes no SENSE! IT MAKES NO DAMN--
Look, my computer knowledge begins and ends at Neverwinter Nights. Ask Tara. She might know.
Okay. We all connect to the net via a LAN. We've got six computers. Three can connect. Three can't. And they all have the same settings.
Okay, lemme check my files...oooh! Did you ever piss off a Norse God?
Aw, shit, I KNEW that'd come back to haunt me.
Yeah, that'll do it every time. Once, I forgot to send Heimdall a birthday card and I couldn't get connected for a week.

 

by deucepm
10-17-02
Uh...honey, you'dbetter come take a look at this.
What is it? It's not those damn Mormons again, is it?
No, there's a note here from Pete. The first part says they're making a "Young MacGyver" TV series.
Well, that's a stupid idea. What else does it say?
It's a note scrawled in blood. It says "GONE TO BRING ABOUT THE APOCALYPSE - BE BACK AFTER LUNCH."

 

by deucepm
10-17-02
Pete's gone to bring about the apocalypse? Well, I wouldn't worry. He'll probably be back in an hour, wet and crying.
Seriously. It's not like there's anything going on in the world that he could use...to his...
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Oooh, look at me, I'm North Korea, I've got nukes. You think that scares me? Wrong. YOUNG FUCKING MACGYVER SCARES ME!
Should I tell him I don't speak English?

 

by deucepm
10-17-02
Go ahead, drop them nukes! The quiet bliss of oblivion is preferable to a world that would actually create Young MacGyver.
Who is this man in the tiki mask who keeps screaming at me?
For God's sake, is original thought dead? Can we accept nothing but repackaged nostalgia and shit we've already seen? Remakes of Rollerball, for fuck's sake?
He seems to think I am a high government official, when it is perfectly obvious that I am but a humble foodseller.
And of all the properties to revive, fuckin' MacGyver! If it was Moonlighting, maybe I could get behind it, but MacGyver! MACGYVER!
Also, he keeps mentioning "MacGyver." Is the US President named "MacGyver?" I thought he was called "Gilligan."

 

by deucepm
10-17-02
rassin frassin dirty rotten...
Hey, there's the guy. So how'd the apocalypse go?
Total washout. Young MacGyver will go on as planned and destroy the minds of the nation's youth.
It says here there's also a Starman series coming out, based on the DC comic.
Don't toy with me, Matthew.
By the way, Mallory called. Something about you being missing for several days. I didn't catch it all.

 

by deucepm
10-21-02
Is my forehead bleeding yet?
Not yet, but it's only a matter of time.

 

by deucepm
10-21-02
Okay. Writing. Got a lot of writing to do. Lots of stories need tellin'. So here we go. Writing.
Here we go.
Wonder what's on TV.

 

by deucepm
10-21-02
Stupid, stupid brain! Why don't you transmit the electrical impulses to my fingers and make them type stuff? BAD brain!
You've got to calm down.
Easy for you to say. You don't have the literary equivalent of blue balls.
Look, it's not good to just sit here and stare at the screen, forcing yourself to try and write. Bad things could happen.
Like what?
Well, for one thing, you could hallucinate that your computer is speaking to you.

 

by deucepm
10-21-02
Hhhhhaaaaaaa... aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Okay, deep breaths. I want you to take all of that negative energy that's keeping you from writing and force it into your lungs...
Hhhhhaaaaaaa... aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Now, I want you to let all of that negative energy out on your next breath. Ready? Go!
Uh...I'm in terrible pain.
That means it's working.

 

by deucepm
10-24-02
Are you still here?
They're making Night Thrasher into a TV series.
Don't be absurd. Night Thrasher was a mass hallucination caused by Mark Gruenwald's ashes in comic ink seeping into the blood of fanboys.
Nope, it's gonna happen. Night Thrasher, the TV series, from the people who brought you Brown Sugar.
You expect me to believe that somebody would make a show about a black guy who skateboards, let alone fights crime with said device?
Did you not read the Young Macgyver scripts?

 

by deucepm
10-24-02
So what's so exciting about this Night Thrasher thing?
It's the story of a young African-American man who sees his parents murdered before his eyes...
...as the years go by, he decides to use his skateboarding skills to fight crime as... NIGHT THRASHER!
So, it's an unholy cross between Batman and Poochie.
That's the BEAUTY of it!

 

by deucepm
10-24-02
Meanwhile, in Hollywood...
Listen, Roger, we love the pilot script for Night Thrasher. There's just one thing we'd like to change.
Instead of a millionaire philanthropist, we'd like the main character to be the owner of a hip-hop clothing line.
You know, Dave, people will know the character is black just by looking at him.
Also, we'd like it if he would scream "DYNOMIIITE!" every so often. You know, just to keep it real.

 

by deucepm
10-24-02
I feel kind of bad for the other New Warriors now that Thrash has gone prime time. What about them?
I mean, honestly, what are the chances that Speedball will ever make it onto TV? Or Rage? Or that poor bastard Hindsight Lad? Slim, my friend. Slim.
You're not kidding, are you? They're really going to make a fucking Night Thrasher show.
What, you think I could make something like that up?

 

by deucepm
10-27-02
So Al Sharpton was speaking at the rally against war in Iraq. What, did he say something stupid?
No. In fact, he was very eloquent.
Come on, he must have said something retarded.
I can't think of anything. I found it kind of moving when he described the crowd as the progeny of men like Martin Luther King and Paul Wellstone.
Look, I can't live in a world where I agree with Al Sharpton. Was he at least wearing a jogging suit?
Nope. Not even a jab at Barbershop. My brain throbs just thinking about it.

 

by deucepm
10-28-02
So, Bobby...I understand that your roommate committed suicide.
Yeah, it was all tragic and shit. So where's my 4.0?
It's just that this is your third roommate in a row to commit suicide by slicing himself up with a scythe.
What can I say? I just attract very depressed people. Who are limber. And good with tools. You gonna 4.0 me or what?
I'm just wondering why his suicide note read "Ahhhhh Oh God it hurts please stop chopping at my pink, helpless flesh."
Hey, is it true that if the dean commits suicide, I get a free scholarship?

 

by deucepm
10-28-02
I just finished a book about the late Bill Hicks, who died of pancreatic cancer.
I've had three real heroes in my life. One, Hicks, is dead of cancer. Another, Warren Zevon, is gonna drop any day of cancer.
I'm really starting to worry for Spider-Man.

 

by deucepm
11-10-02
We watched Insomnia last night.
How was it?
It put us to sleep.
You know, I'm getting really sick of this straight man shit.

 

by deucepm
11-12-02
Welcome to Jackass: The Movie. Warning: The following movie features stunts performed by pros or idiots.
In either case, MTV insists that neither you nor your dumbass buddies attempt this dangerous crap. This applies to everyone.
Except Timmy! Go ahead and douse yourself in rubbing alcohol and then light yourself on fire, you brainless fucktard! Timmy gets to try!
YES! I KNEW it!

 

by deucepm
11-12-02
Stan Lee, the man who shaped the Marvel universe, is suing Marvel for ten percent of its ducats. Needless to say, this is pretty awesome.
'course, it would have been cooler if he'd done it a few years ago when the real bastards were in charge, but whatever.
Like all of you geeks, we're wondering how this is going to go down. So we put together a musical number.
So now, enjoy Stan Lee: Superstar.
A TEMPLE SHOULD BEEEE A HOUSE OF PRAYER!! BUT YOU HAVE MADE IIIIT A DEN OF THIIIIEVES! GET OOOOOUUUUUTTT!!!
Stan, I've met with the board. We'll give you the dough if you promise to put Kirby and Ditko's grandkids through college.

 

by deucepm
11-13-02
I have grave news, Mr. President.
Did that low-down yella-bellied skunk Hussein respond to the new UN resomalution?
Yes, sir. Iraq has agreed to it unconditionally.
Oh, come on, George, don't cry!
*snif* Leave me alone! You said I could have a war! I WANNA WAR!

 

by deucepm
11-13-02
Well, that last strip certainly stank like rotting veal.
Sure did. That strip has the fetid reek of ass hanging about it like a whore's perfume.
It was below our usual standard. Far below. Like, mole men walk on top of it below.
It was the comedic equivalent of sticking your hand into a warm, wet garbage bag.
Eh. It wasn't that bad.
Who cares?

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
Uh-oh.
What's the prob, Bob?
Well, I did my first comic on December 8, 2001. And I've only done 291 comics.
Interest fading. Need to kill the voices rising.
I'm gonna have to do 74 comics in the next week if I'm gonna bump that up to 365.
RISING...

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
Well, color me not-giving-a-shit, but who cares if you don't have a comic for every day of the year?
I dunno. It just bothers me. I want a comic for every day. I guess I'm anal.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear that last part?
I said I guess I'm anal! ANAL!
Wait...did I just--
ALL RIGHT! TOBOR HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WITH THAT KIND OF ENTHUSIASM!

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
Ooogh...what was I saying before I was horribly violated?
Something about anal?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fuck you and everybody who looks like you.
Awww, you're feeling sensitive. Must have been the giant metal phallus inserted in your Bad Place over and over.
You'll get yours, bitch.
Was that you I heard singing "Oh Sweet Mystery of Life At Last I've Found You?"

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
All right, let's just move on. We need to think of more strips. We've got a lot to fill.
We could do the erotic saga of a man's quest for robot dick.
Don't push it, boy.
Or what? What are you gonna do, tiki scum?
Are you forgetting who actually writes this stuff?
Yeah, but you already wrote yourself getting violated by Tobor. I figure I have nothing to fear.

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
So you think I can't make your life a living hell?
Pretty much, yeah. I say this with the expectation that I will not receive my comeuppance for this arrogant attitude.
Well, guess what, Buddy the Goon? I've just decided on the storyline for the rest of the fill-in strips.
Ooooh, I'm so scared. Bring it on!
Wait, who's that knocking at the door? Could it be the Karma Delivery Man?
Come on, stop padding out the strip.

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
Come on, hurry up. Let's get going.
All right. *ahem* Dark and Nightshade's Pandemonium Productions presents Matt 'n Pete, in...
...THE LI'L SOCIOPATHS SAVE CHRISTMAS!!
Y...you...you...
Oh, by the way, the mailman came by with a package for you marked "COMEUPPANCE. PERISHABLE."

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
FUCK THIS NOISE! I don't truck with no Christmas jive, honky! I'm catching the first kayak back to civilization!
I wouldn't do that.
Oh, really? And why n-- AIIIIGGGHHH!!
I...I taste copper.
Well, the microchip I implanted into your brain might be a deciding factor.

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
...so you see, I implanted a chip into your brain that forces you to accompany me on this holiday adventure.
Like Spike's chip on Buffy.
Yyyyes...so now you're going to be working for the forces of good instead of evil.
Just like Spike on Buffy.
YES, okay? Many aspects of your situation are similar to that of one William T. Bloody, all right?!
Now let's talk about this good and evil shit.

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
So let me get this straight. Because I choose not to participate in this capitalistic orgy of sanctimoniousness you choose to call Christmas, I'm on the side of evil?
Uh...yes?
YOU HYPOCRITICAL BASTARD! How dare you? I have nothing but bitter memories of Christmas! HARD-EARNED MEMORIES! What gives you the right to make me go along with this?
The chip I put in your head.
Oh. Yeah.
Did you forget about that already? That charge must not be very strong.

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
Great. Just great. Dragooned into saving Christmas by a power-mad holiday freak.
You know what the worst part is? You took away my choice. My CHOICE! My free will's been violated! Torn apart! It's bleeding, like...like...
...like your ass after Tobor got through with it?
Bin. Go.

 

by deucepm
12-01-02
All right, if we're gonna do this, let's get it done. So what are we saving Christmas from?
Oh! Well, we're saving it from...
Uh...
You don't know, do you.
Sure I do! It's...uh...Nazis!

Showing page 6.

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