All comics by pslock

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by pslock
12-07-03
Though I wish I could speak to you all my life and into the grave beyond, I alas..must....give...you......your.............students....
Thank you.
Yes..I'm a 5th year StripCreator student putting together a comic interpretation of Proust's Swanns Way using only characters from JerkCity. Would this be a project you'd support?
Probably not seeing as you're interfereing with the core asthetic of Prousts intentions.
Woof.

 

by pslock
12-07-03
Yeah..I want to point out how racist your comics have become lately. You obviously hate other races, women, and certain parts of North Dakota. How do you rationalize this into your career?
I am by no means a racist. The comics you're referring to were made during an experiemental period in which I wanted to test audience expectations and their limits.
Oh..I see...
Hehehehe...suckerrrrr!
ENOUGH OF THIS!!! END YOUR CEASELESS QUESTIONING OF THIS MODERN GENIUS AND WORSHIP HIS SOUL AS YOU WOULD A GREAT, PAGAN GOD THAT KILLED YOUR FAMILY!!!!
James has a point...

 

by pslock
12-07-03
And so...I hope I've convinced you to vote for me as president of the U.S. in 2004.
I'm not even an American citizen, how can I possibly vote there? Also: If I vote for you will you stop bombing my country and killing my people for no good reason?
.....
Um...sir??
Huh? Oh sorry..I'm still hung up on the "not an American citizen" thing. Just where the hell am I??

 

by pslock
12-07-03
Wheee! Lookie mom, a penguin!! He's neat and stuff!!
Enough of this banter, human..hand over your mackerel-flavored treats or suffer penguiney doom.
Don't try and start shit with me you flightless moron. I'll kick your butt into the penguin stone-age, pal, and don't even think about getting treat one. 'Nuff said.
Touche'

 

by pslock
12-08-03
Now, you see that horrible car wreck over there? That was caused by a moron in an SUV...a vehicle that I promise to outlaw IF you make me president.
Oh, so you'll outlaw SUVs? That's kinda novel..
Well, not so much outlaw as essentially require SUV owners to be rationed their gas and make it so they can't use anymore than what a fuel-efficent compact requires for daily, average use.
Hmm...even better!
And if that doesn't work, I have a plan C for using tax money to hire professional killers to shoot them in the back of the head, execution style.
Dunno...sounds kinda extreme...

 

by pslock
12-08-03
This country is SOILED and DESTORYED by the homo-loving, Jewish, Nigger, Lesbian, Satanist Hordes. WE SHALL LEAVE THE US AND CREATE A PERFECT HOLY STATE!!!!
Ok, the paperwork went through, you're a seperate nation now!!! of course, now you can't use US currency, or public programs, and you've just lost all water, electricity, and all public utilities.
Wait, I...
...oh and there's cops or fire dept. or any of that stuff. Anyway..I gotta go, I heard the power is going out in all of Texas in about 3 minutes..I need to start my trip back to the U.S. BYE!!!
Well..at least we can outlaw faggots...

 

by pslock
12-09-03
Change your love life forvever..
How so?
cleaner colons ctzscvhuqtyzcbc
Hey..my colon sparkles. You could eat off my colon.
Female Ejaculation fwlohxq
Don't even try it. I'm not listening...

 

by pslock
12-09-03
...so then, I tell him "Hey, just cuz you've got P77H Neural Net Processors don't mean you're Einstein!!" heh heh heh
HUMOR IS A CONCEPT FOR WEAKLINGS. I HAVE NO NEED FOR YOUR 'JOKES'
Ah geez, pal. You need to lighten up. OK, here's one: Why did the protocol droid cross the road?
I MUST ATTEND TO MY DUTIES. ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPIDITY.
BECAUSE HE WAS PROGRAMMED TO!! GET IT!!! HEH!!!! lousy stuck up bastard....

 

by pslock
12-09-03
YEEHAW!! Howday Y'all!! As President of this here country, I propose to fight for truth, justice, and DEMOCRACY all over this here world!!!
Hi there youngster...
Hi, I'm from Taiwan and we'd sure like our democratic country to be able to live in peace away from the constant warmongering and harassment of China, which is a Communist state.
Whoa..hold on a minute there, son. You're talkin' crazy!! Are you kiddin! The Chinese are wonderful people!! Let 'em oppress you a little...y'all will grow ta like it, I swear!!!

 

by pslock
12-10-03
OMG I WIL KILL THE STEWARDESS CUZ SHE FORGOTS MY PENUTS WICH I AM LEGALLY ENTITLED TO
I do believe they are called "flight attendants", my good sir. Stewardess is far too, shall we say, sexist.
FUK U I WILL CALL THEM WHAT I WNT I PAYED TO GET HERE...
I was not given peanuts either, perhaps you have a point, my good man. *Oh stewardess!!* *We have not gotten our Honey Roasted Peanuts yet!*
OMFG U DID NOT JUST CALL ME TAT!! I AM FLIGHT ATTENDENT U BASTARD PERSON! I WILL REPORT THIS TO THE FIRST PERSON I SEE AFTER LNDING

 

by pslock
12-10-03
You know, all this fuss over GTA:VC is so last-year. I mean, with all the fuss, the Haitians have effectively made "Kill All The Haitians!" into the next "All your base.." crap.
Maybe, but you gotta admit, it prolly came off the wrong way to some people.
Who? Friggin' retards who are unable to separate fantasy from reality? Idiots who want all entertainment to be about tea parties and finger sanwiches?
What's wrong with tea parties?
Dude..tell me you're NOT programming a tea party sim. Dude...
N...no...I just was saying...y'know....

 

by pslock
12-10-03
...And so I want to count on your vote in 2004 so I lead this country to a better future.
Whoa...I can taste colors, man!!! Weird...this...is...sooo....whoa...
Umm..were you even listening.
Oh..oh yeah, man.. Like, you want me to smote over you when it's 2004 o'clock. Yeah, man...sure thing.
Fucking hippies.
Hey, be nice man or the big, white, balloon will cut your hair off with his pink scissors. And man, that's a bummer..lemme tell you..

 

by pslock
12-10-03
"What's your least favorite Star Wars movie?"
Oh wow..definitely Knights Of The Old Republic...with all that talking and non-action and lame jedis and talking to the same character over and over...
..Hey, I can't select KOTOR on this list of mov....oooooohhh...that's right..I forgot..
...KOTOR was a game.

 

by pslock
12-11-03
TEH MOVIE WILL BLOW YOU AWAY IT IS AWESOME!! AND LIV TYLER IS HOTT!!!! DUDE I MEAN HOOOOOTTT!!!
THERS EFFECTS AND SHIT THAT ARE LIKE FIGHTIN AND STUFF ITS THE SHIT!!! LIV TYLER IS SOOOO HOT!! THINGS EXPLODE AND TEHERES EVIL GUYS WHO GET KILLED AWESOMELY!11!! PETER JACKSON IS MY BYFRIEND!!!!
SIGNED: HARRY KNOWLES

 

by pslock
12-11-03
OMG! I am SOOOO deeply offended by this. I was here with my son trying to shop and you have PORN simply laid out with the rest of your normal books.
Um, actually it's not really porn per se, ma'am, it's a book of tasteful Playboy photographs that WAS wrapped in plastic until your son took off the wrap.
But the cover is mildly erotic!! IT'S OFFENSIVE! MY SON WILL NOW GO OUT AND BECOME A RAPIST BECAUSE OF YOU!! I'M HOLDING YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE.
So I take it you're leaving and not shopping here ever again?
Well, right after I buy these Maxim and "Babes of Slutfest 2003" calendars for my hubby, tee-hee...

 

by pslock
12-11-03
BAD BOYS BAD BOYS..WHATCHA GONNA DO..
WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU???
BAD BOYS...BAD BOYS...
WHATCHA GONNA DO....
A JERRY BRUCKHEIMER/MICHAEL BAY PRODUCTION!!!
NAW...I BE SHOOTIN' YOU!!!
DAT'S RIGHT, CUZ WE DA MEN IN BLACK..ERRR...I MEAN BAD BOYS BAD BOYS...WHATCHA GONNA DO...

 

by pslock
12-13-03
We have heard the complaints of the idiots...er...I mean concerned citizens and are working to improve Grand Theft Auto: Vice City by editing it. The offending phrase will be taken out.
OMG TAT IS NOT GOOD ENOGH YOU MUST STOP ALL GAMES EVAR FROM BEING GAMES!! THER CAN BE NO FICTIONAL VIOLINCE AT ALL EVAR STOP IT NOW!!! YO TELL PEPUL TO KILL HAITIANS!
Alright, the phrase will be changed to "Pet the fluffy kitten."
NO IT DOSENT MATTAR!! UR GAME SUCKS CUZ IT TELLZ PEOPLE TO KILL HAYTIANS!
I'm going home..unlike you, I actually have a life.
NO WIAT!!! ME NEEDY MORE ATTENTION!!

 

by pslock
12-13-03
With stealth as my friend, I will use the shadow to wreak havoc on your life, you poor, deluded fool...
well, announcing it to me essentially ruined your plan.
Damn! Time for the Ninja Stars!!! TAKE THIS!!
ARRGH!! Ninja Star doom is upon me!!
NOTE: NINJA STARS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CORRECTLY REFERRED TO AS SHURIKENS AS VERIFIED BY OTAKU NERDS EVERYWHERE.
I'm sure glad we worked that out together.
Yes. As am I.

 

by pslock
12-14-03
A life at sea is definitely for me! But either that color of ocean goes, or -I- do.
What are you on about?
Oh boy, did you wake up on the wrong side of boat? You're wearing dark colors on a raiding trip? Helll-ooooo!
THe elders will hear of this!!
Oh wow..I'd let Rothgard pull up next to my boat ANY day!
Stay away from him, bitch!

 

by pslock
12-14-03
This is a special, alternate version of the previous comic designed to be less gay, in order to help those who might be gay-unfriendly to adjust to the environment slowly and methodically.
A life at see sure is great, but not as great as titties and beer.
Fuckin' right, you bastard.
So..are you up for a fiercely heterosexual game like football where men fall all over each other in tights and touch each other's butts?
Lemme get my gear..

 

by pslock
12-14-03
Ok, I walk into the room and light a lantern..
You can't.
Alright....then I cast a light spe...
You can't.
I get a torch..
You can't.

 

by pslock
12-14-03
U R BAD MAN AND I HAVE CAUT U
COME QUEITLY SADDAMN
SUP?

 

by pslock
12-14-03
Yes indeed, we have captured Saddam. THE WAR IS OVER, THE WORLD IS BACK TO NORMAL AND MISSION IS ACCOMPLISHED LIKE WAS SAID BEFORE!!!! THANK GOD* (*God is American and White - the mgmt.)
So, exactly how is this a big deal? There's still myriads of problems in Iraq, not the least of which was that it's leader was deposed under false pretenses.
Nice how you media goons forgot that weapons of non-existent mass destruction were never located and Saddams capture does nothing to change the political status of the region at all.
Of course, it'd be interesting if real journalists could get some time with Saddam and see if he's willing to talk about all the secret dealings he did with George Bush Sr. for weapons and such.
QUIET, YOU! You're ruining the moment. This is a great day for America.
Really, Gee, I'm still doing the same shitty job for the same shitty money and homeless people wander around outside my apt. What's changed, again?

 

by pslock
12-14-03
HEHHEH...SADDAM WAS CAUGHT..OR SHOULD I SAY SO DAMN INSANE!! LOLOLOLOOMG!!!! HE'S SUCHA STUPID FUCK!!!! DUMBASS MESSING WITH GODS AMERICA!!
Yeah, in fact, he's so stupid he managed to evade the entire U.S. Military for almost a year and was only caught when he practically GAVE UP by stupidly hiding in his hometown.
I mean, the guy prolly exhausted his resources and basically surrenders. I wouldn't pat ourselves on the back.
U LOVE SADDAM. HEY..THIS GUYS A FAGGOT WHO LIKES TO LICK TERRORIST DICK!!! FAG!!!
Oh pullleeeeezzzeeeee..
i know it was weak....

 

by pslock
12-15-03
Sir, we've begun decoding the first of Saddam's coded responses to our truth extraction droid!
Hmm...yes..yes....I see.
Good god!
What is it sir??
It actually takes FOUR licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop. Who knows how long those bastards have been holding out on us.

 

by pslock
12-15-03
Sir! We've managed to fish more information out of Hussein about the alleged "Weapons of Mass Destruction!"
Yes, and?
He mentioned something about an Iraqi Taco Bell near here.
We must move with all speed to this place, now!!!!
A bit later..
Welcome to Iraqi Taco Bell, may I offer you our new Curry Jalepeno Pepper Onion Xtreme beef burrito??
My god...this could alter the course of the war!

 

by pslock
12-16-03
I think we've confirmed it, sir...
Yes...I think you might be right.
We must get this information to the president immediately.
Later..
People of America, we have confirmed what we previously suspected. Saddam Hussein's favorite food is indeed pizza. We are closer than we ever hoped at winning the war on terror.

 

by pslock
12-16-03
Alright, enough about Saddam already... I mean, he was a bad man, you know.
Sure he was..but that's got nothing to do with the fact that our President has consistently lied and manipulated information to essentially try and manufacture a reason the U.S. should re-elect him.
Oh wait..that's right...he wasn't elected..
Don't blame me..I voted for some joke candidate who wore a rainbow wig or something.

 

by pslock
12-16-03
So, you see I if I was elected president, you wouldn't have to worry about your jobs being replaced just so that greedy corporations could try to get cheap labor outside the country.
THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE. HIRING LOW-WAGE, THIRD WORLD WORKERS CALCULATES TO MAXIMIZATION OF PROFITS.
Yeah, but see you don't understand..ethically, it's...
WHAT IS THIS 'ETHICS' YOU SPEAK OF?
Alright, what if I were to tell you that if re-elected, George Bush would put a huge tax on motor oil, but only for robots.
BASTARD!! I WILL MOBILIZE MY FELLOW XFB-99334'S TO RESIST THIS DECLARATION OF WAR ON OUR KIND.

 

by pslock
12-16-03
And so...I must find your client guilty on all counts...
NOT QUITE YET, YOUR HONOR!
Wha...what?? You're out of order!!
ELABORATE CHOREOGRAPHED ACTION SEQUENCE!
I gotta file me a MOTION!!!! *gunfire*
Aaarrgghhh!!!

 

by pslock
12-16-03
My legal strategy may strike you as radical, but it gets results.
Oh, I'm not complaining. I just want these Amish-hating bastards put in jail.
Later in Court.
Excuse me? Are you here today for the Amish hate-crimes trial?
Yes, I'm the defendant here to discuss how I've been endlessly victimized by the Amish, which is why I spraypainted their house.
*pulls out gun* Oh I think we'll settle...OUT OF COURT!!! *fires away*
OH MY GOD! A LOOSE CANNON LAWYER!! AND I WAS ONLY 3 DAYS TO RETIREMENT!!

 

by pslock
12-16-03
Chad is called in to help defend Saddam.
Alright, here's the deal Saddam. You basically have no functional defense. You're a complete bastard. BUT, we might have a chance.
How would you do this, filthy Imperialist pig-dog?
Note: Saddam is portrayed by the Arabian character because I am a filthy racist.
If I somehow manage to kill the entire World Court, the U.N., and parts of the U.S. military in a spectacular action frenzy that would cost at least $50 mil, you might stand a chance.
My goodness! How is this possible, you Yankee dog of a pig?
Because no defense *cocks shotgun*...EVER stopped Chad Simmons.
Oh..this turning out to be like Jerry Bruckheimer production!!

 

by pslock
12-17-03
I have a question for you. In your section of Xmas movies, you have stuff like Home Alone and Gremlins which aren't really Xmas movies per se, but take place DURING Xmas.
Yeah.
So...does that mean you'd categorize Die Hard as an Xmas movie?
....
I'd have to say yes. Plus there's the whole holiday message of not fucking with N.Y. cops if you're a terrorist because you'll be singlehandedly defeated.

 

by pslock
12-17-03
EEHEEHEHEHEHEHE!! Stupid Bush! Thinks he can stop us with his puny "Anti-Spam" bill. Phhhht. I sent out 5,000 emails this morning alone about colon cleanliness. As if a bill could stop ME!!
Welp, after a long day of spamming, it's time for the sack. Huh? Wait...what's my bed doing? ...the hell??
*rustle* *creak*
*FROM BENEATH THE SHEETS!*
HOLY SHI...auuughghh *choke*
I've got the ultimate colon cleanser right here, pal. And it's from SMITH AND WESSON!

 

by pslock
12-17-03
Diane Sawyer attempts to partially, but-not-really, regain credability as a journalist.
So Mr. President, can you explain why we haven't found Iraqi weapons of mass destruction?
Ummm...like it MATTERS...we caught the worlds worst person EVAR and now everything is safe and you can listen to the flowers whisper sweet secrets..
Yes, but we were supposed to find WoMD and didn't and that was supposedly the whole point..
What's the difference? Saddam's a bad person like Hitler, Hitler, or even Hitler. Sort of like the other Hitler, the North Korean guy who rules stuff...
It is at this point that Mrs. Sawyer could have actually performed her duty as a free press representative and pointed out that Bush essentially lied to America and actually wanted to start a war..
..for nebulous, personal agenda reasons, most likely connected with big oil, among other things. But she didn't. .....Bitch.

 

by pslock
12-18-03
H0t steamy bucket loads!
Of what?
6 Free Burgers, a Free Cutlery Set and 50% off Omaha Steaks.
Disgusting. You're crazy...
Stop Emails like this one.
Yeah, yeah...heard it before..

 

by pslock
12-18-03
Chad considers defending MJ!!
Oh, Chad! I'm frightened about going to jail!
*cocks shotgun* I'm not letting them get you, Mike. I'd prefer it if you were the REAL Michael Jackson that we all used to enjoy so much until you turned white and became possessed by Baal and all.
Oh, that's not true!! I just have multiple rare genetic problems that have made me what you see today.
No excuses Mikey. Besides it doesn't matter anyway, as I've already readied by briefs for the case..
Chad considers defending MJ!!
Really?
Yeah, and by brief is: Those kids won't live to see tomorrow. *cocks hammer on pistol*

 

by pslock
12-18-03
....
.....
So what's this experiment we're supposed to be doing?
Oh, you'll find out once we leave Earth's orbit...

 

by pslock
12-19-03
Hi..we're two asian characters about to something frightfully and asian.
...wait for it...
SUCKY SUCKY FI DOLLA!!!
ASIAN STUFF!

 

by pslock
12-19-03
I came as soon as I got your call.
Thanks. Basically NASA wants to start some weird super race of part human/part monkey warriors bred up here on the International Space Station. I WILL NOT be part of this evil!
There'd prolly be a alot of money in it for you, but no matter....I think I need a little ex parte discussion with man's closest ancestor.
He's tricky, Mr. Simmons. Be careful...
IN ANOTHER PART OF THE SHIP...
So...you wanna mate? How about...A CHECKMATE!! *sounds of bazooka being loaded*
Oh shi...

 

by pslock
12-20-03
Note: LXG is short for the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Hey...Wilde, are you awake?
WTF is it THIS time, Twain?
In that new movie, LXG, they made Tom Sawyer into a superhero of some sort.
How is that even possible? At least Dorian Gray is immortal.
Yeah.... So....stopped spinning yet?
Nope...not remotely, old boy.

 

by pslock
12-20-03
.....
*RING RING*!!!
Yes?? Yes? Hello??
This is the nightly "you're half-naked in prison" call that you subscribed to 1 year ago. Oh...and by the way, payment on next year's account is due soon. Good night! *click*
This is part 1 of an experimental comic series written in true cut-up style. But not really.
Oh what a heartless and cruel world that allows me to rot, half-naked, in this prison.
I am not so heartless. Please...allow me to comfort you in your time of need.

 

by pslock
12-20-03
The Saturday before Xmas week.
..And all for a fucking shitty-ass $13, black-and-white TV that's barely 5 inches in size. You dipshits.

 

by pslock
12-20-03
So..what the hell are we supposed to be building way up here again?
Dude..it's the FREEDOM tower, man. It's awesome..it's like the Twin Towers, but, like, BETTER. And it's about FREEDOM.
How is about freedom? ...hey I can see my house from up here!..
Do you, like, NOT watch the news or anything? America is FREE, and we give, like freedom to other people by killing them and their leaders. This tower is, like...ABOUT that, man!! See???
........ You're high again, aren't you?
No! I mean..yeah...well, a little! But it doesn't change the fact that FREEDOM!! Yeah man...freedom..

 

by pslock
12-21-03
Ladies and gentlemen, I am your Minister of Fear and I tell you that this Christmas holiday WE ARE ALL IN GREAT PERIL!! Everyone could die....or nothing could happen. We just DON'T KNOW! Questions?
Umm..why are you dressed as a ninja?
Why, to lull the evil terrorists off guard, you see! They'll never expect that a simple, Government paper-pusher is actually a stealth-driven NINJA trained by the Zen masters themselves!!
*snicker*So does this mean..*chuckle*...you're...* snicker*..a BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT!!! LOL!!!
Oh, now come on...that was totally predictable and dumb..I dunno why I bother with these conferences anymore..
ROFL!!! WOOHOO!!

 

by pslock
12-21-03
Hey folks, did you notice we didn't catch Saddam?? We actually caught....SANTA CLAUS!! HA HAHA!!!
*AUDIENCE LAUGHTER!!*
A few days later..
Investigators questioning Saddam noticed that they have mistook him for...SANTA CLAUS!!! Thank you!! HAHA!!
*AUDIENCE CLAP LIKE TRAINED SEALS*
A week later..
Boy Saddam sure looks like Santa, huh? Huh? Am I right people??
*AUDIENCE REMOVES THEIR BRAIN AND REPLACES IT WITH COTTON CANDY*

 

by pslock
12-22-03
Damn...this game is fucking great..it's so fun. It's like stuff from a bunch of other games all chopped up and made into a great gamer-stew. And, for once, it's got a strong female lead character.
.......
So...does she, like, get naked at some point? And what's with the pig she runs around with? Does it get kinky?

 

by pslock
12-22-03
It could have happened like this:
Oh my god, where'd you come from???
Haha! No point calling your friends! I dropped in from an overhead vent and now I'll stun you!! G'night!!
Or it might have happened like this:
Oh my...god...*cough* Where'd this toxic gas come from? *cough* Someone...sniped the canister *cough* that we left sitting in the corner!! *cough*
Now to make my entrance..
But it really happened like this:
Hmm..this wall sure is interesting.
*sneak* *sneak*

 

by pslock
12-22-03
...At this point, my comrades had finished charging up the hill and I was about to lead them to victory when...
STFU!! UR LIEING!! I DID BETER WHEN I WAS PLAYNIG BATTLEFELD 1492 AND LIKE KILLED AL THE GERMENS.
Oh..well, I was talking about Vietnam, not World War II, my good man.
??
OMG! IM SORRY MY BAD PLZ COTINUE TEH STORY!!!!

 

by pslock
12-23-03
Alright sir, we've deployed a perimeter and there are anti-terrorism detectors stationed at all posts.
Good work soldier. Our patriotic duty is to protect New Years celebrations around the US to ensure that drunken retards can safely engage in dangerous crap.
Indeed sir...extending the Orange Alert through January and..hell...all of 2004 is genius! We'll get those damn ragheads!!
Indeed soldier. Now..how did you set up those anti-terrorism detectors?
Eh..we just got pretty much everyone who works at Fox News and scattered them around the area. They're automatically set to alert us all should any filthy thought be let through our borders!!
Excellent. Now we must prepare the Dick Clark clone, just in case he's needed for the celebrations. Oh, and check that ball for gas weapons...

Showing page 6.

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