All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
6-28-01
J'ai demandé wirthling pour observer ma maison ce week-end tandis que j'allais au pays.
Ce n'était pas une bonne idée. J'ai demandé wirthling pour observer ma maison une fois et il a baisé mon chien tandis que j'étais allé.
Si je seulement connu. Je confirmerai l'honneur de Fifi par wirthling provocant à un duel.
Vous devriez le défier à un cockfight. J'entends qu'il est arrêté comme un gerbil.
Peut-être je pourrais juste pénétrer par effraction dans sa maison et remplir son tiroir de chaussette vers le haut de pudding de tapioca.
C'est une bonne idée. Est-ce qu' hé, pourquoi vous ne allez pas extérieur et ne jouez pas la peau et ne allez pas baise vous-même?

 

by gabe_billings
6-29-01
What the hell was that guy whining about?
I dunno. Something about a legend of a blue hooker named Clarke who had MS. I think he must have been on drugs.
Whatever. Ok, one more time, only now we do rounds. You start.
o/` Boom boom boom BOOM! o/`
o/` Boom boom boom BOOM! o/`
o/` Gonna shoot you right down! o/`

 

by gabe_billings
6-30-01
Wirthling su....
Hold it! What the hell are you doing?
Working on this entry for the comic contest. I've got a great one about wirthling and a herd of nymphomaniac wildebeest.
Didn't you look at the rules, idiot? Robots, sci-fi backgrounds, 42... The wirthling sucks contest was back in the single digits.
But we won, didn't we? Why mess with a good thing?
You got a point there, sparky. So tell me about these wildebeest...

 

by gabe_billings
7-01-01
Well, Microbot. It looks like we're hosed unless we can get someone to fix our ship. How much money do you have on you?
Forty two bucks and change. And a couple Pokemon cards. You think that's enough?
I sure hope so. 'Cause there's only one man smart enough to fix our drives, and he doesn't come cheap.
Who is it? Robert Goddard? Geordi LaForge? MacGyver?
So, Butch. What do you think the problem is?
Shit, boy. Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!

 

by gabe_billings
7-01-01
IM OBIJO YOU STOOPID MONKEYTURD!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have met ObiJo. And you sir, are no ObiJo.
The stupid act could just be a clever ploy, you filth-ridden oozing pustule on the bottom of a wombat.
I could, however, be wrong.
HAHA!!!!! I FOOLD YOU!!!!! I READED A DIKSHUNARY LAST YESTERDAY, DUM HED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But probably not.

 

by gabe_billings
7-03-01
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafuckisthiscomiclong...

 

by gabe_billings
7-06-01
Gee Dr. Pedantic, I'd really like to thank you for pointing out my plethora of mistakes.
You're welcome. I'm always glad to point out the faults of others.
Say, Dr. Pedantic, do you know the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Of course I do.
I stole one from the zoo and let it loose into your backyard last night and it ate your dog. Which one was that?
Oh, you rascal, you!

 

by gabe_billings
7-06-01
So Doctor, give it to me straight. What've I got?
You've got strep throat.
Wow. That's it? I thought it was worse.
Oh... and both your kidneys seem to be missing. And your heart seems to have... hmmm.. what's the word? Oh yes, stopped.
Uh... what medical school did you say you went to?
I can't recall.... What's the one where you have to draw the picture of the turtle to get in?

 

by gabe_billings
7-07-01
Well Sir, thanks for hiring me. I'm certain that I can excel in this position. So when does my training begin?
RIGHT NOW JUNIOR MINT!!! JUST STAND OVER THERE IN THE CORNER AND WATCH ME DO MY MAGIC MOJO WITH THE CUSTOMER PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!
...and I've also got a couple of pairs of slacks, and this skirt. Oh, and light starch on my husband's shirts. And be careful with the buttons. They seem to break alot of butto...
CRAZY BITCH!!!! YOU DONT GET TO PICK THE THINGS WE DO!!!! WASH AND WASH!!!! NO STARCH AND STARCH!!!!! WE WASH IT ALL AND THEN WASH IT AGAIN!!!!
Interesting approach, sir. I especially liked it when she threw lye in your face.
MY EYES ARE BURNING!!!! BUT THAT STOOPID BITCH LEARNED HER LESSON, DIDN'T SHE????? WASH AND WASH. THATS US.

 

by gabe_billings
7-10-01
Did you hear? Crappy won the latest comic contest.
Holy shit!
Say, what's the weather like down there?
Funny you should ask. It's about ten below and snowing.

 

by gabe_billings
7-10-01
So what do you think of the rules for this contest, Dr. Pedantic?
They're absolute toad shit, Roger. I'd go so far as to say they suck worse than wirthling.
Wow, that's pretty sucky. Say, aren't you supposed to be a squirrel? And shouldn't we be shouting in caps?
If we gave two fucks about the rules, sure. But I'm drunk off my ass and don't have time for that mamby-pamby crap.
Isn't it about time one of us said something funny?
Who has time for funny? ChiPs is on, and I have a keg to finish.

 

by gabe_billings
7-11-01
Cock!
Cock!
This comic is shit.
What? You were expecting big time Marmaduke laughs?

 

by gabe_billings
7-14-01
...8...9...10. You're it!
Look, this is gay. If we're gonna play hide and go seek we need to do it somewhere bigger than your closet.

 

by gabe_billings
7-18-01
My name is ObiJo.
Hi, ObiJo!
It's been over a month since I've been to Lowpass.
Way to go, ObiJo!
With the time I saved I hiked the Appalachian trail, wrote a play and made a 1/4 scale replica of the Sistine Chapel out of cigarette butts.
DON'T FORGET ABOUT OUR TRIP TO CANCUN, MEAT PUPPET.

 

by gabe_billings
7-18-01
Where's crabby? He's due to rollerblade through the gila monster nest pretty soon!
Well, he thought the best way to get ready was to go chug some Mountain Dew.
And?
He was trying to get the machine to give him a free can and it fell on him. He's trapped under it right now, screaming for help.
HOLY SHIT! Is that Gabrielle Reece?
None other. Let's go talk to her. Maybe she'll autograph my dick.

 

by gabe_billings
7-18-01
1 + 1 ?
2
2 + 2 ?
4
( 4.3453^3.2 + ( 45 * 31.21)) - 539.23^85 * 23 ?
$#%@ &!*.

 

by gabe_billings
7-19-01
I don't know what's been going on with lately. I'm so confused. The guys ask me out for beers and I just want to stay home and read Marie Claire.
I have a serious jonesing for some munchies right now. I need some fucking nachos or I'm gonna start gnawing on my own arm.
I saw PJ Harvey on Behind the Music and instead of leering at her I was wondering if her skirt would look good on me.
I wonder how many marshmallows a monkey could eat in a week. Wait, wait... Two monkeys. And a wombat.
I hate to dump all this on you but you're the only one who ever listens to me.
My nuts itch.

 

by gabe_billings
7-23-01
You know, the underwear's supposed to go on the inside.

 

by gabe_billings
7-23-01
Hey there, Sonny. Time to pay the fiddler. Let's go.
Are you out of your mind? I told him 50 years or until my website gets more hits in a week than Yahoo.
Check your logs. Some guy named Crappy logged twelve billions hits alone since Tuesday.
Damn it. I told him to stop trying to vote for his own comics.
Hey. This is just temporary, right? I just have to like, atone for my sins or something?
Sure, Bradley. Just got one task for you. We've been saving a copy of every paper since the dawn of time and we need you to make a collage of Family Circus characters big enough to cover Saturn.

 

by gabe_billings
7-23-01
And up next is everyone's favorite scamp, crappy!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Crabby!
Fuck off.

 

by gabe_billings
7-27-01
How many wirthlings does is take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know. How many?
I don't know, either. He was eaten by a grue.
You know, if you stopped doing shit like spouting references to old computer games, you might actually get laid once in a while.
You think?
It wouldn't hurt to get some fucking pants, either.

 

by gabe_billings
7-30-01
I got a package of straws, a magnet shaped like a toaster and a sponge. How about you?
Three pair of queen sized pantyhose and a two-liter tube of some toothpaste called 'Whyte Teeth'. Made in Haiti.
You know what I'm thinking?
What's that?
The next time we decide to shoplift we do it somewhere other than the fucking dollar store.
I hear that.

 

by gabe_billings
8-01-01
When I was 8 I once ate two puddings out of the fridge, and when my mom asked who did it, I blamed it on my sister.
At age 11 I often stayed up 15 to 20 minutes past my bedtime, reading under the covers. I drank milk straight from the carton.
A month after my 12th birthday my friend Stu and I went to see a movie. And it was rated PG-13.
When I was 14 I got my finger caught in a bandsaw in shop class and I said the F-word. Twice. They sewed the finger back on.
When I was 17 I once went swimming ten minutes after eating lunch. And later that day I jaywalked.
Now that I'm 27 I'm making up for a life of repression by killing hoboes and hiding their heads in my freezer..

 

by gabe_billings
8-01-01
You're on my side, bitch.

 

by gabe_billings
8-02-01
I'm Kevin Costner. I live on a funny boat with my citrus tree and I drink my own urine.
Hey? Are those gills? Prepare to be repressed!
I've escaped! Now where the hell is Jeanne Tripplehorn? She's got nice boobs.
I dunno. Hey, did you see who moved into the oil tanker next door? That guy from Speed that blows up buses!
Wow. What a great movie. What do we owe?
Um... Thirty four cents. No wait, that's the stamp. Here we are. 174 million dollars.

 

by gabe_billings
8-03-01
Hey Sarge. I'm done cleaning the latrine like you asked. There's just one thing I'm curious about.
What's that, Beetle, m'boy?
Why did I have to do it wearing nothing but a rubber thong and nipple clamps?
The Army works in mysterious ways, Beetle. Check your handbook. Now get on over to the ammo dump and get to moving those crates like I asked.
Do I have to wear the French maid outfit like last time?
You're goddamn right you do, soldier! Now move out!

 

by gabe_billings
8-06-01
Say Billings! What's the deal with the milk can?
I'm helping wirthling with his Houdini act. I'm supposed to chop him out with the axe if he needs help.
Wow. How long has he been in there?
Oh, maybe half an hour or so. I did leave for about fifteen minutes to take a dump. I hope all that clanging I heard wasn't him.
Say, you wanna go get a waffle?
Sure.

 

by gabe_billings
8-07-01
Here's the deal. That 1.6 trillion tax cut was a load of bull. I'm actually using the money to fund what I like to call 'Operation Sneaky Bastard'.
And what exactly would that be, Mr. President?
I got two carrier battle groups 500 miles off Japan. We're gonna bomb the fuckers to get back for Pearl Harbor. Then we're gonna steal all their sake.
Call me crazy, sir, but I don't think that's very wise. I don't think the rest of the world would look too kindly upon us were we to start another war.
Fuck 'em. I'll take over their countries, too. Worked it all out last night playin' Risk. Long as we can git Kamchatka we're golden!
It sounds like someone needs a time-out.

 

by gabe_billings
8-07-01
Son, I've decided this whole deity thing is a bunch of shit. I bought a place in Tampa and I'm throwing in the towel. But don't worry; I found a replacement as well as a sweet condo.
Father, perhaps you should reconsider. This isn't the kind of thing you can just up and leave from.
Nonsense! I've got just the man for the job of overlord and master of the universe. He's done pretty well on his paper route, and he was nice enough to send me beef jerky with his application.
Beef jerky? A paper route? Father, what have you done?
THEIRS A NEW KING IN TOWN, FUCKERS!!!!!!! BETTER START BUIDLING YOUR ARCS CUZ CRABBY THINKS IT FEELS LIKE RANE!!!!!!!!!!

 

by gabe_billings
8-09-01
Let's take a look at how folks are bucking up for the upcoming contest.
I watched all the Police Academy movies three times over. And I stopped sniffing glue.
I've been reading all the Garfield books I can get my hands on. Plus I sent Drexle a photocopy of my chest and a pair of panties.
I'm trying to extract the essence of funny out of a monkey. So far all I have to show for it is a painful bite on the ass.
I'm writing a script that will automatically reword user posts to vote for me.
And Gabe?
Piss off. I'm watching Renegade. 'Framed for murder, now he prowls the badlands, an outlaw hunting outlaws.'
If Esposito thinks he can just knock over an armored car and get away with it, he's got another thing coming. Let's roll.

 

by gabe_billings
8-16-01
Wow, I can't believe wirthling's gone. He was so young.
Yeah. It's a real bummer. Hey, it was nice of you to fly all the way over here from Australia.
I wasn't going to miss this for the world. It's the first funeral I've ever heard of with strippers and an open bar.
Wirthling wanted it that way. It probably should have been closed casket, though.
Why's that?
It's been less than an hour and Gabe's already stuffed Cheetos up wirthling's nose and pulled his pants down around his ankles.

 

by gabe_billings
8-16-01
Happy Birthday, Dumbass! I got you a cake with a mole of candles! And a ride on the Challenger, which incidentally, didn't blow up.
Wow, you used up those constraints pretty quickly. What are we gonna do for the rest of the strip?
Wirthling sucks!
Wirthling sucks!

 

by gabe_billings
8-18-01
Who's the letter from?
Brad. He writes, Dear Gabe. Dexx drew your character so you don't need to use the exploding dog stickmen anymore.
Yeah, right. Have you seen that thing? It's a freakish love child of Mr. Clean and Popeye in a polo shirt.
I hear that. You got a pen on you?
So what did it say?
It said, 'Dear Brad. Why don't you go shit in your hat? PS - Get a haircut, hippie.'

 

by gabe_billings
8-20-01
Bradley, my man. This day at the beach was a sweet idea.
Yeah it was. Say, you know where wirthling is? I haven't seen him since lunch.
Yeah, I was helping him work on his tan. His face was a little pale.
That was nice of you.
Get me out of this fucking hole, you cockmonkey! The ants are getting closer!

 

by gabe_billings
8-20-01
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. It looks as though the invisible comic is suffering from a bad case of evisceration with a steak knife..
Interestingly enough his insides are in fact visible. Which makes for a very creepy sight. Viewing is available in the lobby for $20.

 

by gabe_billings
8-21-01
I don't know about this, bunner.
Quit worrying. You'll be fine.
Are you sure that's what I'm supposed to ask for?
Of course I'm sure. Christ, you think I was born yesterday? That's what they call a blowjob in these parts.
I'd like one rimjob please.
Whatever kid. It's your money.

 

by gabe_billings
8-21-01
Shit boys. That was just about the sorriest fucking routine I've ever laid eyes on. Who taught you to dance? Your horses?
Sorry, boss. We ain't too good at this fancy stuff. Say, why didn't we do Annie Get Your Gun, or Oklahoma, anyway?
Roscoe's right. Who the fuck picked A Chorus Line?
I ain't puttin' on them goddamn tights again, I'll tell you what.

 

by gabe_billings
8-27-01
Hey, Wendy just called. She was wondering why I emailed her instructions on how to set the VCR clock and a reciple for flan.
That's funny. I thought for sure I sent that to your mom, just like you asked.
And the thing you were supposed to send to Wendy?
Um...
You didn't...
Hey, how many mothers can say they have a movie clip of their son inserting a zucchini into his ass?

 

by gabe_billings
8-28-01
How come all you bastards got new bodies?
They aren't new bodies. They're just costumes. They slip on and off. DexX'll probably make you one.
So you can just change them whenever you want?
Sure. Check this out....
If it's just a suit, how come you got shorter?
Who gives a fuck? I've got boobs!

 

by gabe_billings
8-29-01
The combined might of the branches of the US military finally brought the creature down with a combination of rapier wit and horrific puns. But at a dear cost to the once mighty city.
The unsuspecting inhabitants of downtown Gotham were taken completely by surpise as the hideous beast laid waste to the city with the awesome power of its Sonic Capitalization Blast.
You tell 'em Judge Judy. He's a fuckin' li.... HOLY SHIT!
The trouble began when the eminent geneticist Dr. Boorite isolated the so called 'Godzilla Gene' in test subject Crabby Johnson and subjected it to doses of gamma rays.
HAY, THIS ISINT SO BAD!!!

 

by gabe_billings
9-05-01
No, you cannot have this planet. It is already owned by me.
Than you leave me no choice but to invade in a very unfriendly manner.
Ha! You don't scare me.
Put that down.
Make me.

 

by gabe_billings
9-06-01
How's your schedule look today? Can you squeeze in a conquest of Earth?
I've got a handball game at eleven, but after that I'm free.
Form up, Toons! Anyone late for practice has to wear underwear on his head. And Bean, take notes. We need to write a whole book about you.
Yes sir, Ender sir. Is it true you ganked Bonzo with a shiv and took out his heart?
Well there goes the planet. I told you this hive mind idea was shit. "But look at the Borg!" you said.
Oh blow me.

 

by gabe_billings
9-07-01
Hey there, Brad.
DX, my man. I've got a question. I noticed more than a third of your 300 plus strips were made on one day in February. What's up with that?
Well Brad, it's like this. Sometimes the muse strikes. And when she does, you've got to grab the moment with both hands. Creativity waits for no man.
Oh.
That and the fact that I got my hair stuck in the floppy drive and had to do something while waiting for the firefighters to show up and chop me out.

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-01
Wondergeek powers, activate!
Wondergeek powers, activate!
Form of, a sandwich!
Form of, hedgeclippers!
Wait a minute... Nothing happened. You didn't tell me to do this just so you could hold my hand, did you?
Yes.

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-01
Who is it?
Got some, uh, flowers here for a Mr. Wirthling.
You're that shark, aren't you?
Candygram.
Really?
Yup.

 

by gabe_billings
9-09-01
I heard he was working for a top secret government agency infiltrating middle-eastern terrorist groups.
I heard he was sitting in his basement for three months watching the Sci-Fi channel and eating Doritos.
I wonder where that ObiJo got to... I reckon he run off after some filly.
I'd say it's more likely he got picked up by a trucker in Arizona and is deep-throating his way across the country.
Say there hotpants, how'd you like to come inside for a beer?
Aren't we supposed to be talking about Obi?

 

by gabe_billings
9-12-01
Tennis, anyone?
Sure.
Mom likes me better.
I hear Michael Jordan is coming back.

 

by gabe_billings
9-16-01
Hey, Obi... you said this comic can't be any longer than fifteen words, right?
Right.
Cool.
Fuck.

 

by gabe_billings
9-16-01
You've got to help me, Reverend Dan. I've been butt ugly all my life, and I think it's because I'm possessed by demons. Can you make me handsome?
I'll see what I can do. This might sting a bit.
Demons out!
What happened?!? Did it work?
Oh, it worked, all right. You are one sexy bitch.

 

by gabe_billings
9-16-01
Rudolph's got the clap! Who'll guide the sleigh tonight?
Hmm...
I've got it!
Fuck.

Showing page 7.

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