All comics by Scyess

Profile

 

by Scyess
7-08-02
Hi! I noticed you're new around here. I'm Cowdjinn. What's your name?
Hi. I'm Curt.
Well, there's no need for elaborate detail, but at least tell me your name!
I don't remember where I came from, but I'm beginning to wish I was back there now.

 

by Scyess
7-08-02
So how the heck does a goat get amnesia, anyway?
... what? Hold on...
------------------------ mirror ------------------------
. . . !
! . . .
AAHHHH!!! I'm a goat!
I guess I couldn't really have expected you to know the answer to that question.

 

by Scyess
7-08-02
Hi! So, you're new! I've been trying to become a regular character around here for months, but so far no one likes me. If you want to become a regular, too, we should stick together!
You're right! In fact, I've got a great big present for you right outside the door.
For me? What could it... AH! bright... light... ... ...must... approach...
**FOOM!!** "AAYYYIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!"
Well, that was annoying.
Curt, I think you're going to fit in around here just fine.

 

by Scyess
7-08-02
Hi, welcome to Starbucks Coffee! Would you like a Frappucinno?
Actually, I was hoping to have something you mark up less than 1000% of your raw materials cost.
Sorry, we don't have that. We only carry overpriced coffee, which tastes nearly the same as any other coffee; and frilly, gay coffee-drinks with flavorings and whipped cream, also overpriced.
Uh, actually, I think I'll just have some water and a napkin.
That'll be $39.48.

 

by Scyess
7-09-02
Honey, I think it's time we had that talk with Chippy.
*sigh* You're right. It's going to be difficult for him, though.
You'll just have to let him know that he's still our son, and we still love him.
Okay... here goes...
Chippy, son... I'm afraid I've got some news for you -- you're adopted.
NNNOOOOOOOO!!!!! It' can't be true!

 

by Scyess
7-09-02
I'm sorry, I'm afraid there's no money in our fund to grant you $30,000 to cure liver cancer.
But the good news is that we're awarding Bob here the $40,000,000 he requested for his research on mold-resistant grout.
What the hell? I have 2 PhDs and 10 years of research experience; Bob had to take the test twice to get his GED! Why does he get the grant?
I look better on the brochures.

 

by Scyess
7-09-02
Tell me a story, Jon!
Okay, okay... a long time ago, there was a giant reptile with fierce horns who was constantly spewing smoke from a fire within its mouth!
*cough* *cough*
Your stories suck.
Um, that wasn't really the image I was going for...

 

by Scyess
7-09-02
Hi, I'm home!
*cough*
*cough* *cough* Having a dragon for a roommate really sucks. *cough*
All right, all right already -- I'll open a window.

 

by Scyess
7-09-02
I realize the university is commited to some misguided notion of "divirsity," but even you have to realize this is going too far!
Divirsity always equals good! I think you're due for some sensitivity training.
I mean, really! What the heck is a "Caprine American," anyway?
Yes, Professor, my lab partner ate my homework. Again.
Baa

 

by Scyess
7-09-02
Kani ha ne! Aisatsu dekiru yo!
Sou? Hontou?
Un! "Kani-chiwa!"
***gaCHAN!!***
Yappari shoujo ha dajare wo iu no ha iroppoi tte ha omowanai. Shimatta.

 

by Scyess
7-09-02
Here you go, sir! Ikura, sake, tai, masago...
Hey, this looks raw!
Yes, sir... sushi is served raw...
That's disgusting! I'm leaving!
10 minutes later, down the block...
Would you like the steak and kidney pie, guvna, or the liver 'n' onions?
Anything! As long as it comes from the excratory tract of a large animal, it's good eatin' in my book!

 

by Scyess
7-09-02
Hey, Cecil. Glad you could come over.
I always love to visit you, Puff! Hey, got any Doritos?
Xiau Xiang! Welcome!
Hi, Puff! Wow! Your carpet has such interesting fibers! I could just count and rub them all...
Little Known Fact: Puff the Magic Dragon became a lot more popular when he started puffin' the right stuff.
Big W! What's shakin'!
Dude -- I can't feel my body! This is so cool.

 

by Scyess
7-10-02
Well, my paternal grandmother was half Dutch, a quarter French, and a quarter German. She married my grandfather, who was Irish and Latvian...
I understand. You're white.
Well my MATERNAL grandmother was actually half Polish, but she had a quarter Estonian in her. The other quarter was Romanian, via Italy...
I get it. You're white.
Well, no... because my maternal grandfather was half Scottish and a quarter Slovenian. The other quarter, though, was American Indian, which would make me...
...white.

 

by Scyess
7-10-02
So that would make my father a quarter dutch, 1/8 French, 1/8 German, a quarter Irish and a quarter Latvian...
Dude. Just face it. You're a cracker.
C'mon, I'm just trying to explain my intricate racial background.
What background? "German" isn't a race. You're a whitey, just like everyone other whitey.
Dammit, I'm an American, and I have to find some sort of psuedo-personal identity you... you... African Amercan!
Actually, my paternal grandfater was from Zaire, and he married my grandmother who was half Nigerian...

 

by Scyess
7-10-02
Anywhere, USA
Yep. I'm 100% pure German!
Wow! That's cool. Say something in German.
Uh, my family hasn't spoken German since they came to America 200 years ago.
Uh, so what makes you pure German again?
Dammit, my bloodline is RACIALLY German.
Yeah... the "German" race.

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
Welcome to our little group, Butch. I think you'll do well here. Now go out and meet some of your new coworkers.
Right.
Oh my god! A new guy! And you've got a hammer and nails! You're not going to nail them into your head, are you???!??!
Uh, no...
Whew! Job security!
I wonder if it's too late to get out of my contract.

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
...!
All right, girl... do what I say and no one gets hurt...
Aw, what's the fun if no one gets hurt? HIYA!!!
Gack!
See? I told you you'd get to see some panties.
Yeah... thanks...

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
Yep, I could just listen to Yanni for hours and hours! The music is just enchanting! I like to listen to it when I organize my stamp collection.
Um, that's great...
I try to be very worldly. I can cook like the Welsh, charm like the Germans, dance like the Japanese and have personal hygine like the French!
Fascinating... can you excuse me for a second?
...one phone call later...
Hello... Kill-A-Date? I've got an emergency at Ted's Bistro on 4th St.
I'll be right there. Will this be cash, charge, or should I put it on your tab?

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
Dammit... It's not enough we gave you axe murderers your own football team... now you want more?
No... you've been great, Lenny... but we have to do something about those idiot mascots you hired.
With a chop-chop here! And a chop-chop there! Go Squirrels! Go Squirrels! Kick their derrieres!
2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate! Axe-Murdering, Axe-Murdering Squirrels! Hooray!!

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
I... I think I love you.
Oh, Reginald!
Why do birds suddenly appear / Every time, you are near?
Just like me, they long to be / Close to you
Here at Date-Your-Match we can find the perfect made for anyone, from sado-massechists to axe-wielding bestiality fetishists. But for some reason, we can't find a match for you.
Actually, you know, that might not be a bad thing.

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
Uuhhh.... yes?
Hi, there, sir. Would you like to donate your organs to science?
I guess that's a good cause. Where do I sign?
No signatures necessary! Just hold still for a second...
*** SLAM! ***
Just so you know, selfish, unfeeling bastards like you are what's wrong with society today!

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
**KNOCK*KNOCK**
Whew... last house today...
AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
HELLO!! HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR, OR DO I HAVE TO CUT OFF YOUR BALLS AND FEED THEM TO YOU??!??
Wow! Not a single soul went unsaved today, Jesus. This new idea of yours is great.
Yeah, the whole "heaven" thing was too equivocal. People need an incentive they can grasp right now.

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
...yes?
Hahaha! Fool, you opened the door! Now prepare to d-- HOLY SHIT what the fuck are you?
Were you planning to hack me to pieces when I opened the door?
Uh... no! I was just going to... uh... tell you about great new offers from...
That's what I thought. Too bad for you.
AAAHHHHH!!!

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
ROAR! Who goes there!
It is I, the valiant knight sent by the king to vanquish you and rescue the princess! Have at thee!
No you're not. You're that anorexic carpenter from 9th Street.
The king's on a bit of a shoestring, okay? I assure you this wasn't my idea.

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
Aha! There you are, dragon, have at thee!
...?
Darn it, Frank, I told you I don't want to fight any stupid carpenters with no muscle tone! You're not worth my time.
It's just that kind of racism towards carptenters which made me want to come and kick your ass personally.
Oh, shit... it's PC Jesus! Run away!

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
My god, Edmud. Just look at this.
Whee! Haha! Fly through the air!
So long, seabound suckers!
Flying fish sure are obnoxious cunts, aren't they?
At least they're not Scottish!

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
Jacuzzi mode! Ready...
...GO!
PPPBBRRRRAAAAAAPPTHLTLTLTLT
All right! We could have capsized a fuel tanker with that one.
Let's go eat some more burritos!

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
So this is "Earth," huh? Pretty worthless, if you ask me. Let's blow it up.
Nah, there's gotta be something fun we can do with it.
Like what?
I know! Let's leave little messages for our friends hidden all over, then when they come here they can find them.
I've got it! Let's hide them in the asses of the inhabitants!
Great! The best part will be hearing their explanations of why aliens are digging around in there.

 

by Scyess
7-11-02
Hey, cutie-pie. You wanna go 3-some with me and my boyfriend?
Sorry, dyke-o, I'm not into that; why don't you just kiss my ass.
Actually, that sounds fairly appealing.
Well, okay then...
...turned out she'd had a bad burrito for dinner yesterday -- why can't this ever happen to you, the coprophage?
I know! Say... that scent you're wearing is enchanting! *drool*

 

by Scyess
7-12-02
Hey, Cindy, I just want you to know I've had a great time on our date, and I'd like to invite you in for a nightcap.
I've had a great time too, Jon, but I don't know if I should...
Aw, sure you should, but be careful not to wake up my roommate, Cowdjinn. It's already 11:59.
11:59? Oh, no! I've got to go home. I've got to -- ak!
C'mon. What's the matter, Cindy? Do you turn into a pumpkin at midnight?
Errr... not exactly.

 

by Scyess
7-12-02
Hey, Cowdjinn! This is heavy; can you give me a hand, here?
**whoosh**
I honestly don't know what's more disturbing -- the fact you had a severed human arm on hand or that heinously awful pun.
Take your pick.

 

by Scyess
7-12-02
Concentrate... let your feelings go... let your mind be at peace...
...okay...
Feel your soul rise up out of your corporal shell. Do not listen to your inner turmoil, only your basic feelings. Feel yourself letting go; know a tranquility you've not experienced since birth.
Sure.
Look, I'm offering you eternal peace and happiness here. What the hell do you want?
I want... a bicycle.

 

by Scyess
7-12-02
Doc, you gotta help me! I can't stand to be a stick figure! I have 1-dimentional arms, ferchrissakes! Please! Can you help me?
In fact, maybe I can. I've just completed a machine that takes mass from parts of your body and moves it to other parts. Let's try it out.
Just a single touch of this button...
Ahh! I can feel it working!
It worked! IT WORKED!!! Uh, sort of.
You're lucky the arm that's left isn't the one with the knife in it, jackass.

 

by Scyess
7-12-02
Thank you for your order, sir. One small coffee. That will be an arm and a leg.
**clunk**
C'mon, c'mon... where's the rest?
I liked this place better before your prices go so dagblamed literal.

 

by Scyess
7-12-02
Aha! Just look behind me!
See?
No, I think you misunderstood... I said, "You and what arm-Y?"
Oh.

 

by Scyess
7-12-02
Help! Officer! My lab subject has escaped and is threatening to throttle me with his one good hand!
Help! Officer! My entire body has been sucked into my arm by a mad scientist!
...that's fucked up, Clem. What did you do then?
What any cop woulda done in my situation, Merv. I beat the shit out of both of them, had a donut, and drank a six pack.

 

by Scyess
7-12-02
I never even suggested feeding her peeled grapes before we were married, but after we got married she threw a fit when I didn't read her mind and do it on my own accord.
Women! Can't live with 'em... I think I have something in my teeth.
Heh heh. These comics about marriage sure are funny.
Yah, boy, ya think they're funny now, but you'll soon find out they're ALL TRUE! Women -- once they've got ya, they go NUTS! They suck the life out of ya and leave ya a whithered shell!
Wow, you must've struggled with your wife for many years to form that kind of opinion. But you're not whithered; you look good for your age.
I'm 24! I got married last Tuesday! And she's already started with the grape thing! Please... kill me!

 

by Scyess
7-14-02
You should watch your diet, Cowdjinn. You are what you eat.
Really? In that case I'm going to go eat some flying squirrels; then I'll be able to fly!
hhmmm...
Wow, Jon. This is really extravagant. I don't know how I can repay you.
The pleasure's all mine, Tataki, I assure you. Here, have some more blowfish.

 

by Scyess
7-15-02
Roaches check in...
Hi, room for one, please.
Ick. This is not going to help me resist the urge to formicate.
...but they don't check out!
AAAIIYYYEEE!!!!
J! I heard you scream! What's wrong?
That little bug bastard left without paying his bill!

 

by Scyess
7-15-02
I've had it with your shit! I'm not going to take it anymore! You're possibly the most incompetent carbon-based life form I've ever worked for! I quit!
You're pig-headed, slow, and smell like decaying feet. I'll bet the company keeps children as sex slaves in the mail room. And I'm sick of your staring at my ass! You can take_this_job_and_shove_it!
Who are you? Do you work here?
Actually, I have an interview tomorrow, but the whole "work" thing really cuts into my schedule so I thought I'd take care of this ahead of time.

 

by Scyess
7-15-02
I'm sorry, Puff... I just don't feel it's the right time in my life for a relationship with a mythological creature. I hope you understand.
But... but what about all those things you whispered into my ear-hole? WHAT ABOUT PARIS? We were going to burn down Paris together...
I'm so, so sorry... I just need some reality in my life right now. I'll never forget you! Goodbye!
I think he bought it.
Woo-hoo! Let's get naked.

 

by Scyess
7-15-02
Your friend Jim just showed up with a saddle. You can tell him if he tries to put that thing on me I'll skin him alive and eat his entrails.
...with a saddle? Oh, crap...
Howdy, Jon! I was bored, so I thought I'd come over and make you play "horsey." Bend over, bitch.
Actually, Jim, Cowdjinn was just saying he'd love to play with you. Why don't you go find him?

 

by Scyess
7-15-02
Yeah, so our band has two guitars, a bass, and a drummer. Our music are heavily influenced by --
-- That's great, Stu. I'd love to produce your record, but first...
...my enviornmentally conscious collegue here would like to have a few words with you about noise pollution.
*grunt*
"AAAIIIIIYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Jim! I didn't know you were a record producer.
I'm not, Jon, but I AM on the Committee to Reduce the Number of Shit Local Bands. This way's just easier.

 

by Scyess
7-15-02
Ho ho ho! You're new here! Why don't you introduce yourself?
Hi, I'm Jon. I just recently discovered I was... different. I thought I'd see what these meetings were about.
Hi! I heard you're new.
Uh, yeah... how ya doin'...
...they say the first meeting is always awkward.
Jon! I didn't expect to see you at the Fictional Characters Support Group! When did you first realize?

 

by Scyess
7-15-02
Ho ho ho! This meeting of the Fictional Characters Support Group now comes to order! First of all, we have a new member. Jon...?
Hi, everyone... I'm Jon. I realized I'm ficitional a few days ago, and wanted to meet others of my kind, and... Oh wow! In the back! Is that who I think it is?
Yes, yes, it's me, but please: don't tell anyone you saw me here. I have a reputation to protect.

 

by Scyess
7-16-02
They've got everything "kids" these days. Kids' meals. Kids' ticket prices. Even kids' butter. But I've got the next big thing... **ziiiiiip**
Kidz Kondums!® "Hi, Kids! I'm Korkey Kondum! I'm shy; can I hide in your 'special place?' I'm super-lubed for tight fits and help prevent incriminating genetic trails!"
Mere words cannot express my immutable desire never to have seen that.
**ziiiiiip** Just a shame Catholics don't use condoms -- there's an untapped market that I could retire on.

 

by Scyess
7-16-02
There's a little girl over there... nice, tight buttocks. A real nymphette. I wonder what I'd have to do to get her to...
Hey, there, Mr. Cowboy! Wanna plow my as-yet-untilled field?
Wow! This here's great! It's like a dream come true...
...and that's when she pulled out the tazer, doc. Thing musta been hooked up to a fucking car battery.
Gone are the days of childhood innocence.

 

by Scyess
7-16-02
I've spent all this time trying to get over my lust for beastiality, and then fate lands me alone in a field with a hot pink donkey.
Oh, no, this guy is looking at me funny. I think he may want to violate the sanctity of my donkey-hole.
I should just walk away... I can resist... I can resist... I can resist... remember the therapy... breathe, breathe...
He's trying to look innocent, then he's going to turn and strike! Or is he really harmless? I can't tell! The anticipation is killing me! I wish he would just get it over with.
Okay... I'm calming down now... I think I'll be able to resist as long as the donkey doesn't do anything overly tempting.
AAAHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT! GO ON, GET IT OVER WITH! JUST DO IT!

 

by Scyess
7-16-02
Kid, you look like an ass. When I was your age --
Sure, cowboy-dude, whatever. All I know is that I rock. I rock HARD! You wouldn't understand.
Rock hard, huh? I'll bet I could rock harder than you, ya little prarie turd.
You think so, gramps? Okay, then, let's start rockin'! One, two...
...turned out he was full of shit. I beat most of his brains out with my rock before he could even find a rock.
I could report this to the police, but is a guy who trepans guitar players with rocks really so bad? I think not.

 

by Scyess
7-16-02
Dude, you look a little -- ordinary to be at the Fictional Characters Support Group. What's your story?
Ordinary? I'm in black & white! And what about you? There's nothing at all improbable about you.
Me? I play grunge rock! I also do the best of the 70's and 90's, plus some easy listening. Also modern country and fusion jazz.
Well, so you're repitiore is diverse, but that's hardly improbable.
I have a huge fan base. Girls love me. I drive a BMW.
Okay, now you've passed "improbable" to "not even in the most fucked-up parallel universe ever."

Showing page 8.

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