All comics by choadwarrior

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by choadwarrior
4-30-03
Jesus, is it true God created us in His own image?
Yes, my child
And He also made us ashamed of our nakedness?
Yes, my child
So He has a tiny wang too?

 

by choadwarrior
4-30-03
Hey kids...cancer doesn't seem so bad now, does it?
Oh, Christ.
Are you going to be much longer, I have a 4:00?
Oh, Christ.
If you are going to hang around all day, I'm going to have to ticket you.
Oh, Christ.

 

by choadwarrior
4-30-03
Hopefully, you won't rot in the cave too long before you're resurected.
Fuck you, Lazarus.
Hey, thanks for the water/wine miracle. Is there anyway you can turn a sheep into a girlfriend for me?
Go to Hell.
Some day, you'll look back on this and laugh.
I hate you, dad.

 

by choadwarrior
4-30-03
Have you ever thought of donating your anus to science?
Yes.
At least you're not black.
Yeah, that would totally suck.
Well, excuse the fuck out of me, Jesus, but the safety word was NOT, "Stop nailing me to a cross"
Owie.

 

by choadwarrior
4-30-03
What brings you to the doctor's office today, Johhny?
Father Joe told me I need to get an HIV test, whatever that is.
Don't be afraid, we'll just need to draw some blood.
You're going to feel a little prick
Too late.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
Have you ever considered the benefits of afterlife insurance?
All things considered, I'm happy I didn't evolve.
How many virgins are you getting?
Sigh.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
How many virgins are you getting for this?
Look, it's really not important.
You can tell me.
Listen, my heretical friend, there is more to martyrdom than the promise of deflowering ethereal virgins.
So how many virgins are you getting?
Just me.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
In choir, we sing "He's got the whole wide world in His hands"
Sometimes I think about that and can't fall asleep.
I mean, what if the whole wide world slips through the holes?

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
I try to live up to your example, Lord, but I am just a man.
Sometimes I even feel that I am not worthy of your divine forgiveness.
Worry not, my son.
You're not.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
Messiah, I will tell of your death in every town, and preach your word of everlasting life.
Tell me, oh saviour, what is your wish?
Hmmm, let me see...
It's a toss up between scratching my nose and cutting me the fuck down.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
Jesus, I've lived my life by your example, and haven't let carnal desires interfere with the work of the Lord.
Like you, I have abstained from all sexual acts.
Yeah, about that...
I just couldn't get it up knowing my dad was watching.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
Son, I have to say that I'm really proud of you--you're quite the spin doctor...
Because of you, nobody remembers the dreary, old, vengeful God. Everybody loves me now!
Yeah, except for that crucifying-your-only-begotten-son part, you're a real fuckin' sweetheart.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
You have lived a perfect life, and now your sacrifice will save all those who follow my word from Hell.
As your eternal reward, you will take your place beside me in Heaven.
Yeah, but I'd trade it all for a nice, long, sloppy blow job.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
Jesus, some colored fellers wuz tryin' ta tell me that you wuz also a colored.
But I tol' 'em that I seen lotsa pitchers of you there ain't one where yer anything but white like me.
So they wuz lyin' ta me, right?
Fo' shizzle.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
I've been going to church my whole life, so I know you wouldn't abandon me...
True, true.
But I really needed you on the free-throw line last night. Where were you?
Oh, sorry, didn't you hear the post-game interviews with the winning team?
No.
I was helping them, instead.

 

by choadwarrior
5-01-03
How do you endure the pain, Lord?
I just keep thinking about how easy my circumcision was.
What are you doing down here? I thought you could walk on water.
Last time, I didn't have holes in my feet.
Scorcese is on board to direct, but he insists that you be played by Willem Dafoe.
Oy.

 

by choadwarrior
5-03-03
I would have been here sooner, but my uniform was in the dryer.
It's okay, I wasn't going anywhere.
Heavens!
That'll be fifty bucks.

 

by choadwarrior
5-03-03
So how do you like what I've done with the place?
Well, its full of sodomites and the greedy, but at least it's a dry heat.
Yeah, my decorator spent a lot of time in Palm Springs.

 

by choadwarrior
5-03-03
Hey, thanks for taking the kids up to 5th grade, I've got it from here.
So honestly, what are my chances here?
Hey, baby.
Nice pussy.

 

by choadwarrior
5-04-03
One last question before I let you into Heaven...
When I asked you to name your sexual partners, did you say "None," or "Nun?"
Oh, Fuck.

 

by choadwarrior
5-04-03
Thank you for staying by my side--all the other disciples have foresaken me.
There is no need to thank me, Messiah...
I just don't want to miss it if your loin cloth falls off.

 

by choadwarrior
5-04-03
It's okay if you have a small penis, Jesus, there are techniques to make it look bigger.
Like what?
Have you ever thought of shaving down there?
I did that once, but when all the ingrown hairs came in...
Let's just say that Moses wasn't the only one in the Bible with a burning bush.

 

by choadwarrior
5-04-03
In an effort to get published, here's a censored strip...
Father, please tell me a story about Jesus.
Here's one...Jesus rode ---- --------- ----
--- --- an -------- ass
---- -- ----- --- ---- into --- ---- -- town
Nice.
on Palm Sunday.

 

by choadwarrior
5-04-03
Okay, I cant stand it...here's the uncensored version:
Father, please tell me a story about Jesus.
Here's one...Jesus rode Mary Magdelene hard
She had an enormous ass
that he stuck his cock into and went to town
I like this story better.
Nice.
on Palm Sunday.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-03
Hey, it's nothing personal, it's just that since everyone found out you have lung cancer you don't make a very effective spokesman.
I'm sure you'll land on your feet and find another job soon.
Come to flavor country.
Oh, the kids are gonna love you!

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-03
My Japanese cousin learned English from reading billboards in Tokyo.
Making friendships and eating snack. Hello rainbow. Hey, get with the spicy!
I think she just said she has a yeast infection.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-03
Do not fear. I have come to take you to my planet.
They have never heard of Jesus or the word of God there.
That sounds...
Perfect? It is.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-03
Of all the people on Earth, why have you chosen to abduct me?
Anal probe?
I thought you'd never ask.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-03
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I have frequently engaged in perverted sex acts with other men.
That will be 100 Hail Marys
And a reach-around.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-03
Billy Graham is coming to San Diego this weekend, you really ought to go see him.
Why is that?
Well, he's pretty old--If he dies, you'll never get an opportunity to see him again.
That's what you think.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-03
What happened to you?
Hey! My uncle from Sicily loves to come visit...
...so I took him to Olive Garden.
I'd eat you, but I see you have no taste.

 

by choadwarrior
5-09-03
Hey, do you really hide Easter eggs for all the children?
Ummmm....
Hey, do you really slide down chimneys and give presents to all the good boys and girls?
Ummmm....
Yeah, me too.

 

by choadwarrior
5-09-03
The thing I never got about the Fantastic 4 was Reed Richards...
I mean, Thing was a thing, the Human Torch was a human torch, and the Invisible Girl was an invisible girl...
What was so fucking fantastic about Mr. Fantastic?
Hellooooo, he could make any part of his body stretch real long. Helloooo!

 

by choadwarrior
5-09-03
I can't wait until Pride weekend.
Are you going to the parade?
No. Why?
Because you're gay.

 

by choadwarrior
5-09-03
Are you going to eat me?
Well, I'm a shark, that's kinda what I do.
How'd you find me so quickly down here?
You're menstruating.

 

by choadwarrior
5-09-03
How come you aliens keep abductin' us and cornholin' us with anal probes?
It's phase one of our evil plan.
To take over the Earth?
No, to make southerners seem stupid.
We believe in setting realistic goals.

 

by choadwarrior
5-09-03
Hi, I'm Brenda Van Dam. My daughter was abducted from my home while I was smoking pot and fucking strangers...
Now I'm campaigning for every child in San Diego to have an ID card, because you know...
David Westerfield would have thought twice before taking my daughter if he knew there was a laminated picture of her laying somewhere on her dresser.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
I don't know how you can laugh at racism.
I'm not a racist.
I know but my people died in the gas chambers.
So did mine.
Who, the queers?
Yes.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
I am going to abduct you and take you to the mother ship
You'll never get away with it...the media will broadcast live reports from my front lawn 24/7 until I am found.
That's where you're wrong...
Luckily for me, a white girl was also kidnapped today.
Oh, fuck.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
I really wish I had put on some sunblock.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
If you're really the son of God, why don't you just perform a miracle and let yourself down?
I would, but it's very complicated...
I have to cross my arms and blink.
You know...like on "I Dream of Jeanie."

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
Jesus, why are your legs so close together like that?
...because my legs were nailed that way...
...no, because it makes me look sexxxy...
...no, because I have to tinkle...
Thought so.
...no, because I'm tucking it back like the killer in "Silence of the Lambs."

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
You know, we aren't that different.
By that, do you mean that we are all God's creatures, put on this Earth to do His work?
No, I mean that we both like to hide our nuts in dark holes.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
The U.S. Government admitted today that John F. Kennedy was killed by multiple assassins working for the CIA and mafia...
Holy shit! Hey, come listen to this!
...When Lee Harvey Oswald threatened to expose the plot, the mafia ordered Jack Ruby to kill him...
Did it just get cold in here?
You aren't going to believe this.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
You know, we've worked together for two years and I know nothing about you...
You never say anything about your girlfriend, how you two met, what you do on the weekends, or anything...
There's not much to tell, I guess I just lead a boring life.
How was work today, dear?
The usual--I thought the day would never fucking end.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
Hey, Why Were You Cast Into the Eternal Pit of Despair?
I tried to usurp God and rule the kingdom of Heaven.
I didn't flush public toilets.
I asked God if he needed help writing a letter.
I jerked off while thinking about Mini-Me.
I said "suposably"
I wasn't baptized.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
Hey! DeWayne! What it is? Bling Bling, my brother!
Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house?
C'mon, it's me...Thraxon 13...I was on the alien ship that abducted you...you said to visit next time I was in your 'hood...
Well, I vaguely remember a bunch of you little guys violating me...
I was in the probing room...are you sure you don't remember me?
To be honest, all greys look alike to me.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
Remember that guy DeWayne we probed about a month ago?
No, I was convincing a cult to commit mass suicide that night, but I heard he was cool.
Well, get this...I dropped in on him and he didn't even remember me. He said all greys look alike to him.
How fucked up is that?
Which one are you again?

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-03
I had the weirdest dream last night...
I was wearing a suit made of lunch meat, and Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Star Jones and Rosanne were standing around me...
It was like I was the marble in Hungry Hungry Hippo

 

by choadwarrior
5-11-03
So when are you going to finally find someone and settle down?
I don't know...some day...
The wife and I are concerned about you. We don't want you to miss out on all the happiness marriage and children bring.
When was the last time you saw your testicles?
Ha ha ha. That's funny...What are those?

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